The Truth About Marriage

As someone who will be celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary on our next celebration, I can tell you that marriage is not too unlike the steps we take in childhood development.  Marriages that lasts have  periods of passion, angst, arguments, admiration, go through trial and error, sometimes one gives while the other takes but keeping both in perspective by both people will many times reverse itself and ultimately balance itself out.

Marriage is not all bliss and both negative and positive  emotions are very much a part of marriage.  No one should ever go into a marriage feeling arrogance or a need to control their partner.  If either exists then failure is sure to follow. The often quoted, “If Momma isn’t happy then no one is happy” is or should be a misnomer.  Just because momma sometimes feels put upon is not a reason to throw in the towel. Marriage and the commitment to marriage must run as deep as the mutual needs and wants of both partners.

Both people in the marriage that lasts will feel times when they do feel left out of the planning or treated less than their value.  Marriages must allow both time and space for separate interests in both partners to grow and take root just as the commitment to share equally in a marriage needs to remain strong.  None of us will ever get the balance perfectly correct, each time.  The need for mutual respect and sound reasoning for the financial needs and future wants and needs of the couple needs to be weighed by both partners in a marriage.  Financial turmoil  is often reported as the greatest driving edge that leads to divorce.

Commitment to marriage requires becoming each others’ best friend and confidant.  Mama’s boys and Daddy’s girls are often misleading relationships that can sour a marriage before it even has a chance to bond.  If adults are still referring to their parents as Mommy and Daddy after they marry, then an emotional immaturity often also exists.  Turning to parents and clinging to their wants and needs while confiding our marital problems in them instead of discussing our differences with our spouses often is done at the jeopardy of our spouses and is many times a ship wreck of a marriage in the making. When parents die many times these couples who have never discussed their problems or differences together, are left looking at each other wondering why they ever married each other, in the first place. Marriages need early bonding and growth that remains constant throughout the marriage.

Humans make mistakes all the time and that is why marriages go through both the highs and lows that all marriages do go through.  A patient and understanding spouse will often mean the difference between a successful marriage over one of failure. Those of us who think once the passion leaves marriage then the marriage ends are not , in my estimation, giving full consideration to marriage.  If lust is what drives the marriage or is the reason we marry then perhaps we were not ready to marry.  If we marry because we want arm candy or we thought we could change what we didn’t like in the person we dated then the marriage already has failure written all over it.

Before we marry we must set our own standards as to what is or isn’t acceptable behavior and discuss these standards in complete and full detail and understanding of the needs of each of us, together.  If our attraction to each other is intellectual and of mutual respect and consideration, even though we may both stray from time to time, eventually we will find our way back.  Genuine character and intellectual enjoyment mixed with a sense of humor and respect goes a long way in the success of a marriage.  When marriages develop over time we will finish each others’ sentence and settle into a comfortable routine knowing both the good and bad in each other and if we are fortunate enough to enjoy good health or have a committed spouse when our health fails that is what most marriages that last progress to.

People have different ideas of what their marriage will look like as some couples like to travel while others take comfort remaining in their communities and often die never having left it for any reason other than to attend funerals or weddings.  Some wish to climb mountains and seek out adventure together while others prefer separate interests. The important thing to always remember is that at the end of the day that consideration for the needs of both remain equally strong in both participates of a marriage. When couples are allowed to develop space from each other trust also needs to develop in both.

Too much is made of the expectations of love and marriage in storybook detail just as the old “Stand by your man “song has left a sour taste in the minds of too many others, who neither understand the marriage of another or have a right to judge it. If we can each look at our child or children and see the best of both of us in those children or child and know they carry the genes of both of us, our marriages will last.  If we can only see the worse of our mates in our child or children then for their sakes, our marriages should fail.  In homes where there are not off spring and we still remember the reasons we married and still enjoy those moments no matter the cause for debate, our marriages will last.  If we are abused or our lives threatened then we are doing the entire family a disfavor by staying.

If we determine a mate who strays has destroyed the marriage vows and he or she do not wish to return, they not us, have made any decision by us irrevocable.  None of us can determine 100% the character of another and when their character fails to meet the standards that the couple has agreed upon, or they or we enter into marriage under a set of half-truths or lies and the trust issues soon follow, then none of us should ever blame ourselves for the fact that our spouse failed to be less than honest with us.

We can sometime live a lifetime with another person and not know the full value or fault of the person we married. Lies and half-truths make it impossible for any of us to build a foundation of trust on. When only one person or in some cases neither, are willing to take the bad with the good or to commit for life then it is never the fault of the marriage but the lack of honor in the person or persons who refuses to commit to their spouse, that ends the marriage.

Marriage is always and without exception the commitment of two people working together to make their own marriage work in partnership. There should never be such a gap in a marriage between two people so that the opinion of  a third person’s advice over-rules or carries more weight than the opinions held by our spouse in our own marriage, unless their opinion is destructive to us as a person. In some cases both members of the couple can be so stubborn as to not hear what the other is saying and in these cases a good friend or parent can sometimes guide us to a more objective point of view as long as they show our marriage the respect it deserves. Just as we cannot build a house with only one wall we cannot build a marriage with another person when only one person is willing to commit to the marriage.

On the other hand if we think that our mates will never lie to us to cover up for a weakness in them or to spare themselves nagging or harassment then we are not being realistic either.   A wife will often hide a pair of shoes just as a husband will fudge on what he lost playing poker.  Both people’s ideas and opinions most certainly do either change for the worse or grow and become stronger once we learn what commitment truly is over the years.  Many times people with good intentions will find that marriage is much better, just as parenthood is in theory, before we actually put both to practice. We never want to lose sight of the fact that marriages, just like shoes, comes in all sizes, fits the needs and wants of both the people involved and lasts as long as the desire to forgive and to forget lasts.

When marriages are as phony as the false images some couples like to project onto their admiring friends then couples can remain together out of a need to maintain an image.  There are couples who have a greater commitment to making sure they get even with each other even if it means a daily life of unhappiness together.  Not all marriages that last do so for the right reasons. People stay in unhappy marriages while living separate lives due to Religious convictions or out of convenience.  Many times those marriages that appear to be a life of storybook romance are actually a marriage of abject failure behind closed doors. Other times marriages will last because neither have the gumption to get up and leave while others stay for the fortune they have amassed.  Longevity in marriage does not always spell a successful marriage.

In short then, marriages are as happy or unhappy as the behavior, expectations, and personality of the people in them.  When we reach the age of maturity and real commitment, we have no room to doubt or question our choices, and the harder both people involved work towards our commitments the greater our rewards in marriage usually become.  True love grows over the years and has very little to do with the act of sex that often predates the final years of our marriage, but more to do with our compassion and understanding of the needs and the make-up of ourselves and our spouse.

When we can honestly say and believe the happiness of our marriage partner is equal or as great as our own, then we have reached the epitome of a successful marriage.  Sadly, we do find couples who do not know the full value of their mates, until after they die.  As people we often fall into the rut of taking our lives and each other for granted, and some do fail to realize what is important about their spouse’s happiness, until after they  are gone.  Along life’s way many of us will stumble but it is always the getting up and brushing ourselves off, and starting all over again, that matters as much in the final analysis of both marriage and life. Much is said against marriage but if the majority of us did not believe marriage was the best thing that ever happened in our lives, then so many people would not continue to get married.

Just because, some things may be too great for some of us to forgive and we are very much justified in believing and accepting that knowledge about ourselves, it  may not be for the next person, and to continually to degrade or judge another person’s marriage, as if we are a mean-spirited mother-in-law, is both a waste of our own time and character.  As parents, siblings, and close friends we all do well in remembering just one thing when it comes to the marriage of another, so long as their or their children’s safety is not at stake; MYOB or more rudely put, mind your own business will help the couple more than any other suggestion that we will ever make, even when they cry on our shoulders about their marriages and often over trivial matters. If the complaints prolong to true exhaustion on their or our part then suggesting they  get counseling will usually heal or cure the problem. Have a great day all!

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The Risk Within

I have written many posts, at this point, on taking responsibility. My intention is to express to all, what we often find as fault or blame in others, can actually be as a result of a short coming, within ourselves.

I do not blame the victims or believe that anyone who is being mistreated should ever feel it is their fault. I simply want people to question,themselves, why they do tolerate such behavior and to find what changes they can make,to improve their own lives. Too often we never do ask ourselves what it is we can do or need to do, to improve our own lives. It is always easier to blame others than it is to look for or find solutions for ourselves.

As difficult as it is to accept,for some, the truth is that too many times we do become no different from robots, who go about our daily lives never questioning those who are controlling us or ourselves, if we have a strong urgency to control others, who do fine, without our need to control. We can become apathetic,indifferent,a bully, or too complacent or trusting with the people and power of the World that goes on around us, just as we can with ourselves.

If we simply follow routine, that we have slipped into and take programming from others in our lives, we can often wake up to discover, when the relationship ends, that we have taken too many people in our lives for granted or accepted too poor of a treatment,for ourselves.

As long as we insist that we do not care for politics or feel a need to vote, because we incorrectly think both parties are just alike,or we give our vote to another, without thought, we can often end up to discover the party that protects oil companies and big business is the same that allows Democracy to erode. We must always remember, for instance, that oil companies will and do control the politics of States where oil is King, such as Wyoming,Oklahoma and Texas.No different than what tourism is to Disneyland or Disney World.

If our daily life, ends up with our free time being limited by other’s recommendations or dedicated to the inter-net, some television and radio broadcasts that are not concerned with the truth or the news, but instead report slanted views, and we believe the lies that are often spread through the social media and paid ads, we can too often, end up believing lies over truth, not to mention, without having an original thought of our own.

Without educating ourselves, to the reality and truth over perceptions, the knowledge of which party or candidate will do the best job for us and the middle class,will be lost in ignorance or lies, when we do go to the polls and vote. When this happens it is sometimes ourselves, who are the most ill-equipped to vote,not to mention the most dangerous to Democracy.

It is easy to get caught up in our day-to-day habits and routine, to the point that we become lost to ourselves or perform as robots,never questioning the reality of what we are doing or hearing. The longer we do it the more accepting we become of things that do not make sense, when questioned.

It is not something that we are always aware of, in fact most of us do not even have a clue, until we do have trauma take place in our lives, and it forces us into acknowledging what we have accepted as truth, without questioning, a great deal of the time was merely perception, and does not even come close to being the truth.A for instance of that is, we commonly think modern medicine can cure anything until we get seriously ill, and the great majority of us are surprised at how little medicine does know about cause much less cure. Too many times, our own survival will depend on us being more honest and realistic, when dealing with our own lives.

We cannot blame those who we turned over control of our lives to, simply because we were taking comfort in our own lifestyle or stressing over what had very little real significance,in comparison to where our priorities needed to be, in our own lives, much less in the Democracy of America. We need to remain alert to both past and present history, both in ourselves and our own behavior, as well as in the world, that goes on around us.

I doubt, many of us would or could argue, that if we showed as little interests in our jobs or our families, who we have been Blessed with to guide, as we do in the maintenance of Democracy, we would not be at our current job or a reputable member of our family, for long.

Just as we need to stay on our toes, when it comes to the needs of our friends and family, we also need to be aware of how our own behavior affects those we profess to love, as well as, what happens in the World around us. When we fail to keep up with ourselves and our own needs and behavior, we often fail to keep up with the needs of those around us, as well.

We need to be comfortable in the knowledge, we gain, that our own vote just as our own behavior, can and will safeguard the equality as well as the quality of life for all of us, who do embrace freedom. If we fail to appreciate that those we love the most, ourselves included, can be a statistic tomorrow, we often risk the fact that we will deny our own freedom, when others start talking about changing the Constitution to deny others their rights.

It is too easy to think that as long as we are not complaining then those that we love do not have complaints either. If we are busy shopping and hiding the receipts from our spouses, we fail to realize the short high, that we receive, is often the long misery that they receive, when it comes to balancing the budget.

When we constantly sacrifice while our spouse spends or does nothing but argue with us or dismiss our efforts, we are not so content either.Just as we cannot continue to elect politicians who refuse to do anything for the American people, because the other Party may win. We can too many times go back to the fox guarding the hen-house when we refuse to educate ourselves, both in the future needs of our families as well as our Country.

When we all develop the attitude that we, each, are much more than a robot and the risk of both our family as well as American’s Democracy rests on the shoulders of individuals, we will prove we are all reliable to the rest of the World.We owe all those, who look to us for freedom, the responsibility of maintaining Democracy, by putting as much effort into, “Freedom for All”, as we do into our own families.

It needs to be both our goal as well as our priority to know the differences between each candidate and party,including the Tea Party, before we vote. Democracy as well as the survival of our government,of “We the People,” in America and around the World, depends on it.

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It’s Not You,It’s Me

“It’s not you, it’s me,” is the biggest break up line that is used or heard, by all of us, who are in and out of relationships.More times than not, there is a great deal of truth to it, and we ourselves, are totally confused as to why this relationship,that we had so many hopes for, has failed.Other times, we/they knew it was doomed from the start and the words “It’s not you, it’s me” often are used to let someone we/they have dated or been with,for a while, down easy. It is equal to,”can we still be friends?”

When we understand there is more truth to it than not, we will be wise to examine ourselves to discover why it is that we cannot commit or are willing to settle for less than what we deserve. If that is not the problem, it is quite possible our alarms were going off and it is a good thing we got out of the relationship.

Other times we/they were just stringing us/them along, because we/they were lonely and had hopes that,maybe, if we/they gave us/them a chance, something could work out. Other times, we/they may be fearful of the aggression or anger in us/them, so we/they try to spare ourselves or themselves from the anger, as well.

If you follow or read my posts then you understand that I always encourage ourselves to take responsibility for the role we play in relationships.I do not do that because I feel we are always wrong or at fault. I do that because it is so much easier to deal with pain and heal from it, once we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and we understand our own motives.If we are looking for less than what we establish as our goals, or have placed the bar so high as to be unattainable for any human to achieve,we need to know both about ourselves,first.

Many times people are placed in our lives to teach us and to learn from them, so we quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and unless we evaluate ourselves, as to why we keep inviting the same type of person into our lives, we will never change the pattern.

It is hard enough to be betrayed or hurt once by someone without allowing them to hurt us over and over again, because we end up hating them and obsessing over it, for months or sometimes years. Each time we express hate and anger towards another we hurt ourselves one more time, because we fail to realize that it is many times ourselves, who we are angry at, since we were warned or recognized something was wrong, but ignored the warnings anyway.

We often feel we can handle the problem or allow others to mistreat us, and then later become upset at ourselves, because we find that it was a far greater problem than what we were prepared to deal with.By harboring hate against another, we many times harbor unrest against ourselves,as well.

When we do this,especially when it is the father or mother of our child or children, those who are the closest to us more times than not, are hurt by our obsessing as well.All the ranting and raving that we are doing is teaching our children that people of the other gender, will hurt us,so therefore they can’t trust anyone to the point that they will find they are going into relationships looking for and finding fault,many times, where fault does not even exist.

Too often, both we and they will dismiss relationships that are with honorable people because we/they go looking for the jerks since we have taught them as well as ourselves, that every one of the opposite gender, is a jerk or a bitch anyway, so we might as well let these people into our lives. Other times they will choose these people, looking for the love they felt they lost out on with their absent parents. Other times we and they will sell themselves or ourselves short, thinking they or we are damaged goods, and do not deserve any better.

We often hear people ask,”Do I have a jerk magnate attached somewhere?” If we are opposite of the person who does not learn to trust and are too trustworthy,the answer is sometimes,” yes,”and can be comparable to those who fail to trust.

The thing a jerk looks for, in their next relationship, is how easy we are to con or manipulate.If we are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings it will stand out as a “sore thumb”, to those who are only looking for someone to believe their bag of lies,hard luck stories, or they are planning on using us. Many women as well as men will check out our financial status before and then pretend to bump into us, when it has been planned from the beginning.

Other times we may be the type of person who responds well to having our ego stroked or to romance. They will pick up on that as well and flood us with compliments and roses followed by candle lit dinners. Other times they are only looking for the thrill of the challenge and will disappear once they can add another notch to their belts.

The reality of life is that not all people are nice people. Many are narcissists either giving the appearance of or living financially successful lives, because they are experts at getting what they want for themselves. Others will betray us,while others seek out the vulnerable to use, so they never have to work a day in their lives. Sometimes they are very charming and good-looking and can peel the clothes right off of us, but it does not change the fact that their motives are deceitful.

Not all people are deliberately devious,on the other hand,either. In many cases people simply do not learn common courtesy and are insensitive by nature, because they have not been exposed to living any differently.Many a husband or wife has had to provide what was missing in the life of their spouse, due to the lack of direction or maturity in taking responsibility, prior to meeting them.

We cannot provide them with what we think is/was missing, however, unless they recognize they need help and wish us to. We can only offer guidance according to the needs and understanding of both people co-operating. We will not fix or control them to get our own needs met or to force our parent’s idea of what works, on them, without having disastrous results.

Since neither we or our spouse are our parents or their parents,but instead two separate individuals, we need to establish a more amenable set of rules, to be able to conform to the new awareness of our generation, for our own sake and that of our children.If one of us came from an overly strict household where another came from a home that allowed more self-expression, then we need to reach an agreement on what rules to keep or which to discard.

We need to compete with the current generation in which we live by determining the mixture of morality from both of our homes, that we both agree to keep as a couple.Every couple needs to agree on and establish their own value system in order to keep confusion out of the lives of their children.

To go into a relationship,thinking differently, when we neither know who we are or if our own parenting reasoning is sound, often means that we will not know if what we find lacking or missing in them, is not our own interpretation, when in truth, they are the better prepared to help us, if we do not understand ourselves.It takes mutual respect of both our differences as well as our likes along with the person we are or are meant to be, to determine what will work best in any relationship. It is when we make demands on another to be someone they are not, we need to take responsibility for our own mistakes.

When we understand the differences, because we are better grounded ourselves,we will be able to distinguish between the naive,the confused and the deliberate, unless we come from a similar background.If neither of us have been taught morality then we need to establish a new set of rules. In that case we may both be helped by tuning in more to our own short comings and changing that part of ourselves in an effort to teach our children the importance of character. Compassion and empathy for each other, or the lack of it, will usually show through and are hard to disguise, long-term.If we cannot offer both we will usually find that both will be slow to be returned to us.

If we all know and understand ourselves first, then we will know the difference between what makes us respond or react. When our feelings are mixed up and confused then we need to use our common sense and reasoning.Common sense will tell us if we are confused when we do not refuse to listen to it.

No one human being has not been hurt as a result of making assumptions that were wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.We are not different or unique or stupid in doing the same. It does us no good to get down on ourselves when we do make a mistake,but we do need to learn from our mistakes by dealing with ourselves. Sometimes we will need to talk to someone who has been where we are and who can help us reason more clearly.We need to avoid those who we know are not good for us instead of seeking them out.

I am tired of seeing the true losers in life, destroy good people who are sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time. Any time we are vulnerable because we have not allowed ourselves to grieve from the lost of a loved one,our health, or income, then we need to be exceptionally careful before making rash decisions.

When we understand our own strength and weaknesses, then we will understand where and when we need to protect ourselves and forget about hurting the feelings of those who have ulterior motives. When we do we will recognize those who operate on both payback as well as their own agendas only.

Unless we can get rid of the false bravado that too many of us carry, that it will never happen to us, because we are too smart, we will not learn to trust our own instincts. By understanding that bad things can happen to good people, we will take the blame off of ourselves and instead accept that we were unprepared but will make certain we will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Too many times it is as simple as our being in the wrong place at the wrong time emotionally or mentally,because we were not prepared or did not even know there would be risk. My posts are about learning that we can trust, once we trust the fact that we have prepared ourselves through knowledge of ourselves instead of wasting time blaming others.

Unless we take full responsibility for our own self as well as our own behavior, from rising in the morning to retiring at night, we leave a door open for jerks to enter. We will commonly know someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend are a real bitch or jerk, because many times we spend too much of our time judging them or evaluating our friend’s relationships, when this time would be better spent on evaluating ourselves.

Nothing protects or gives back more than learning our own strengths and weaknesses.Knowledge will teach us to strengthen our weaknesses, while letting up on our paranoia. Life and dating should always be about loving and enjoying because we can trust our own motives, as well as our own choices.

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We Find Our Own Happiness

This post is going to relate to my own interpretation of joy and happiness as I have experienced it, as most of my posts do.I’m sure many an expert will disagree with points that I make, but in the end, I have come to appreciate that none of us can base our own lives on what someone else thinks, but instead on what we know to be true.

I have never felt the need to discriminate against anyone, once I matured into an adult.As a result,I have been befriended by both the wealthy and the poor, as well as,different belief systems, genders and races, and I find what is true with one of us, is true about all of us.

We are all looking for happiness and contentment, in life. Many of us who have children will put their happiness first, until it does dawn on us that the things we buy for ourselves or our children, have a very short shelf life.

If we do not change our direction in thinking, “buying makes us happy,” too many times, we will resent our own children or others, that we buy for,because they lack appreciation. Even when we know that the problem is our own spending habits and we are going broke,doing so, some of us will need to learn. “We don’t always get our cake and eat it too.”.We need to understand that people who wish to do for themselves,will resent our continuous need to make ourselves feel better,at their expense, because many times in our need to buy, we only make them feel obligated to us.

It is the things that we do as well as the words we use to express our feelings towards others that, often times, brings happiness to both of us. Just a smile to a stranger, can many times turn the direction of both of our days. When we choose to smile back we share our own happiness with them.

I had been spending a great deal of my time with a wealthy person in my youth, so when the person who showed up in my life, neither had her front teeth and the sole on her shoe, was loose, the first thing that was most obvious to me, was how happy she was living such an uncomplicated life.

After having listened to the wealthy complain about having to attend another, “black tie,” function, that she was dreading attending, but worried she would be shunned if she did not, it was such a breath of fresh air to spend time with the woman, who had raised her family, and did not have a care in the world. She was retired living primarily on her social security check, but since she enjoyed good health and neither wanted or needed much, her life was her own. She was content and settled with her poverty and peace of mind.

In my estimation, all human beings are made up of the body the mind and the soul, or if you prefer,our mental,physical and spiritual well-being. When we over-balance attention to another and neglect the other, we feel restless or discontent with ourselves. If we tune into our own feelings, we will not turn the negatives that we feel within ourselves onto others.

People who have learned to express themselves through crafts,art, or creative talent can bring peace to their mental well-being but if we never deal with the problem that drives us to be unhappy, we only delay the root of the problem.We need to get to the bottom of what it is that truly is upsetting us, since we need to give equal attention to the balance of our physical,spiritual and mental parts. In short we place a band-aid on an arterial bleed that needs to be sewn shut, if we only live for the minute or the short time, without healing our own pain or looking for happiness that we can trust.

As I have mentioned in past posts, too often, the victims will feel guilt or the victimizers will pass blame.When we have been traumatized, we need to talk about it and heal it, with those who can help us. If we neither confront the truth and heal it, we deny ourselves happiness.No one can make us happy if we are ready to accept being miserable nor can we be happy unless we are happy with ourselves.

Plenty of people can interfere with our own happiness, if we allow them to, but no one but ourselves,can make us happy.No one is responsible for our seeking happiness and unless we do, we will too many times blame others, when we are not happy. Once we do establish happiness with ourselves then people in our lives can either add to or subtract from it, because we have let their emotions or upsets affect how we view or accept life.

Happiness is more than just an attitude. It is what comes from inside of us so that we live and breathe it, while sharing it with others. If we find it is impossible to maintain our own happiness,without using alcohol,drugs,out working everyone else in an effort to avoid our home, or buying things, then we do need to evaluate the reasons why, we are not making the changes that will and do lead to our own happiness.

Sometimes it can be the negative crowd or group, we hang with. We do, too many times, become like the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes it is because we do not feel good, and we cannot feel that any of us are going to feel good, when we feel physically,mentally, or spiritually, rotten.

When we know that we are a worse person with others, because we lower our own mental and spiritual well-being,in an effort to be included or fit in, we are not going to be happy, unless we do make the changes that will lead to becoming the person we wish to be.

When we over-look the truth and surround ourselves in denial, then we also are not being realistic about our own happiness. Perhaps we are the leader of the bunch, when it comes to a joyless group. We won’t know unless we try to change the direction within the group,first.

Many times, we will find it is our own lack of happiness that is spreading over all of the group. When we laugh because we are happy, they many times will laugh with us. However if they are laughing at us, then we can be certain, that we are not the leader.

The mean-spirited will always believe those who are hurt or get hurt as a result of their words or actions, are just too sensitive, so why do we stay? Happiness is a habit that is very real and is part of who we are. We find it within ourselves. We do not shove it onto others. We do not use it to judge others. We wake up with it and take it to bed with us. It lives within us when we are happy being the person we are.

We find happiness in children, who live in the present, because they can trust Mom and Dad to take care of everything. Happiness brings us back to the present, because we don’t have to worry about what we are going to do, as we already know our strengths and weaknesses.

We know or are reasonably certain, that we will react or respond according to a good day or a poor day, and as a result of how we are feeling about, ourselves. We know it all may change tomorrow but when or if it does, we can trust ourselves just like we always have before, because a Power higher than us has the last word. Happiness is truly all about feeling good about who we are and trusting our motives, as well as our love, without finding fault and blame in others.

Everyone else in our life are the extras who bring us joy or sometimes disappointment, if we incorrectly assume anything about them or try to control them. We have learned that not all relationships are meant to last. We don’t worry so much who will be there for us because we have provided, as well as, possible for our own needs.

We miss you but understand our differences were too great to over come, for one of us if not both of us, or we understand that our lives were intended to take a different path or the Dear Lord was ready for you. We have grieved and healed from the lost, and understand that we only get to live this life once so we put in the hard work to live happy!It begins with one step at a time, towards changing ourselves.

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Setting Standards In Our Life

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

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Reviewing Our Lives

Regardless of our age it is always important that we take out time to review our own lives. Too often we can get caught up into the “poor Me’ syndrome or cycle, and it is years later before we are even aware of the fact that we have gotten stuck there.

Negativity can be especially common in the lives of us who have had trauma or lost and we remain in denial instead of dealing with the grieving process.If we grow up in negativity, we often become comfortable living with it to a point that joy actually can frighten us.

We often know how to deal with life when things are going wrong but do not have a clue of how we should respond to things going right, in our life. Some of us will even find a need to apologize for being happy when those around us are struggling. Other times people will become so uncomfortable with things working out they will feel guilt or create a problem that leads to bad results, just to get that old familiar feeling of things going wrong back into their lives.

It is not uncommon that children will grow into adults thinking that if we are not arguing then we are not loved,since it has been so much a part of our life when we were younger.Both men and women, who come out of homes, where the parents stayed together and argued all of their natural life, will adapt to the thinking that if they argue with me, then they still care about me.

In other homes where we experienced a great deal of arguing and our parents divorced, following heated arguments, couples often times will refuse to even discuss their problems or disagree when they should. Too many times arguments will mean both the signal of divorce to both our children as well as ourselves.

Couples who discuss their differences,and we all have them, are not always going to remember to keep our voices down, as the act of yelling makes all of us feel that we have control over the conversation or the person we are disagreeing with,even though there is not truth in it. Yelling simply causes others to be intimidated or relieves stress in us. Yelling is actually a sign of the loss of control over our own behavior.

If we never ask ourselves, what role we play, in what our problems are and what led us to become so negative,but instead always find it easier to blame others, we will often find that sadness,anger, and excuses or an escape to “fantasy land” have become an old companion of our’s while we have been looking at the faults of others. We have simply transferred our own poor behavior onto those closest to us, in some instances.

When we are in our 20’s, we think we have the answers for everything and then we reach our thirties and think we finally understand, who we are, and that is true only if or when we compare ourselves to our twenties. We never really know who we are, if we never question our own motives and the reasons behind our responses or behavior,to people or life. When we review ourselves, while leaving others out of the self-examination entirely, regardless of what age we are, we can become more tuned into what makes us tick.

There is no magic moment, regardless of what age we are, until we can be and are brutally honest with ourselves in understanding what does make us act or react to stimulus of both people and life. We can be any age when we do discover ourself.

It is often brought on by our own health problems or trauma in our lives. When we reach the point our blood pressure is going out of control or we feel reality is slipping away from us, entirely, many will get help then, but in some cases the damage is already done to the psychics of those we have neglected and are responsible for, since we have been confused ourselves.

Too many of us will escape into denial, before we will confront ourselves, in full and complete honesty. Many times if we are going to quit making the same mistake over and over again, we will need to confront ourselves, for our own peace of mind,if nothing else. If we freeze up,out of denial or fear,because we are afraid of repeating the same mistake, then we never make any headway in life.

Confused parents or spouses do not make good spouses or parents, so there is much more at stake than just ourselves. Children never want all the things we buy for them nearly as much as they want our full attention and for us to be there for them. Confused parents are often lost in their own emotions or obsessions,instead of being the parent we want to be.The same is true with both husbands and wives.

We often hear of people’s lives flashing before their eyes on their deathbeds, because too many people do not want to confront what it is that makes them respond, either negatively or positively to life.Sadly if we wait until then, we have no time to correct our mistakes or to renew a healthier and more positive relationship with those who most of us would sacrifice our lives for. Those who truly love us will forgive us when we take time to show them that they can trust our love,some times, before we will forgive ourselves.

We may know our own likes and dislikes better, later in life, but too often we are still apt to go into denial until we do confront ourselves, regardless of our age. If we only see what causes us to react to life and still see the problem as our spouse,parent,or a hectic day at work or with the kids, we never do get that second chance that we all deserve, to explain to ourselves. Usually we have been our own worse judge and jury and we owe it to both ourselves to know why we did what we did, as well as to our children or loved ones.

I’m not suggesting that we blame ourselves for every problem, as too often, too many people will do that,as it is.Sadly, just as many will excuse themselves of everything when it is their own life, that is falling apart, just as well. Where some people will live their lives in denial others will take the blame for everything.

This is not uncommon in families, where children were held responsible for keeping another sibling, as well as themselves in line, before we were even able to understand the rules fully,ourselves. Other times it occurs when there is no guidance or rules for a child to follow.

We all need to understand what it is that does make us vulnerable towards repeating the mistakes of the past so that we can let go of both our obsessions as well as our anxiety and begin enjoying life instead of dreading it.

When we review our own lives we often find that those we blamed, the most, did not play a role in our own hate but became a part of the lie, we told ourselves, while hanging onto our own denial.Sometimes we maybe surprised to find that we have in truth, hated ourselves, while blaming another.

In understanding ourselves we heal at least 3 generations along with us, many times. To deny ourselves and our loved ones, this opportunity towards healing and reuniting, can be far worse than anything else we have done wrong to date.

It is many times a 15 minute exercise that most of us can do on our own during a quiet time, usually in the evening, when we ask ourselves what worked for me today and what didn’t. We also need to ask ourselves what did I do to change the direction today took, both positively and negatively, without the name of another person coming into the picture to blame while we make excuses for ourselves. From there we simply take it the direction it needs to go. If we are not making any progress because we are no longer able to recognize truth or work beyond a habit or obsession, then please ask for the help of those who will guide you.

Mankind was neither meant to lie or to hate and too often denial brings both with it,while doing harm to those we love most. It is never just as simple as “She or He did me wrong” or “After all he/she did to me, I am entitled to be a bitch or a jerk,” when we keep growing the list, and never see our own name on it, we have a problem that needs healing.

Nothing is more satisfying in life than finding peace of mind and the satisfaction of waking up and feeling joy, on a daily basis. On the other hand, nothing is more troubling or painful than waking up hating a new day and making those that we love,fear us or being continually at unrest or confused,ourselves.We have no one to blame but ourselves, if we refuse to look for and find our own happiness. I can’t imagine living life being any other way, nor would I want anyone I know to ask for less.The good news is our loved ones feel the same about us, when we both give and receive unconditional love.

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Successful Families

I have written about families who do not succeed, as obviously families who do and have been successful,clearly know and understand the value of taking responsibility for their own lives, and will continue doing just fine without the financial or moral advice of others, as long as other family members understand that they still need and want as much acceptance as the other member or members of the family, who do or does not achieve,at the same rate.

Successful families will spend as much time offering genuine congratulations as they will sympathy.They gain hope for themselves through the success of the other members who have made it, if that is their goal. If they know and are honest with themselves, that they will never achieve the same, because they have different goals or priorities,not to mention spending habits, they do not begrudge the success of their siblings. Money will never pass the hands of the adult members unless it is given of the free will and clear thinking of a family member in form of a Birthday or Christmas gift.

If we do give money or help, it is because we want to and not because we feel manipulated into doing so,but we do it with the acceptance of everyone involved. It needs to be money given freely that will not lead to our own hardships, later,if we do find we need the money. Families will help out when a member of the family has an emergency, due to a car breaking down, illness,moving,fires, or once in a life-time or extremely rare layoff,etc., when they are able to help, as long as, it does not take their life savings.

I haven’t come close to even skimming the surface, of truly painful dysfunctions in families, who do not even rate on the scale of remote acceptance, when it comes to family values. These family members have no regard for anyone beyond where they are going to get their next fix and how they will find the money to do so,even when it comes to stealing from family members or prostituting out their own spouse or children or themselves. Yet parents will blindly aid and abet them at a price or lost to the entire family. They will only get better,many times when they are arrested or sent to rehabilitation. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are so greedy they would sell their own mother, if they could make a profit on it. Instead I have pretty much stayed with what has been common in families over the generations, when families fail to last.

Where no member feels justified or entitled to borrow money, or money never enters the picture because of manipulation or guilt,much less where borrowing becomes habit,families eliminate the number one cause of families failing. The number two cause of failure is finding fault and passing blame and making assumptions based on the sense of entitlement. When families fail to understand that Mom and Dad do not owe us money for our childhood nor do we owe them money for it,unless a formal loan was made by word of mouth or contract, and parents do not make their children compete for their time and attention through the use of failure, while success goes unrewarded,families do work out and last.

The reason I have expressed taking responsibility for ourselves, when we become adults and it is time to move on, is because many times it is the child that fails in doing so, that parents feel most protective of defending. We parents do wear blinders, many times, in not understanding the damage we do to our own families when we feel the need to make the weak member of the household ,our favorites. To express that this child is and has always been our favorite, only adds flame to the fire, when the other children have never asked anything of us, but instead have only offered to help us when we needed help.

Successful families do not have a parent or child in it that is lying, in order to get attention or sympathy, in order to come out as the most favored child or sibling,they do not disown or exclude a member of the family from family gatherings,or lie to buy drugs, or lie to cover for the fact they have a spending problem,to cover for their gambling,or because they simply fail to work long enough and hard enough to reach their own goals through saving,etc. Successful families do not use their failures or claim to be the most unfortunate member of the family, in order to blackmail their parents or to play on their parents guilt.

Successful families are not made responsible for the sibling who fails to live within the boundaries of the income they earn. Successful families are accepting of our differences, over being critical of them. Successful families understand that we will each be tested in our own range of life and our tests of life do not need to be compared with theirs.

It is not uncommon that those who are tested the most severe, are often the most grateful amongst us as well as the last to complain about their hardship. They can and do appreciate the lesson that has been taught them and the value of having learned the lesson. Successful families will make room for the spouses of each family member, to express their own minds.Successful families are those who if they choose to marry, will understand that the wife deals with the issues in her family while the husband deals with the issues in his family but they come first, when it comes to communicating between the two, if and when problems arise.

I could go on forever, and not touch all the reasons why families fail or succeed, but for the most part when assumptions are made by us and other members of the family fail to live up to our expectations or demands, and we end up disappointed as a result of our own erroneous ideas, and when we place conditions on our love, then our families will enter the danger zone that does lead to failure.

Unconditional love and acceptance of our differences given freely without strings attached or expectations in return,garnered with respect for each member by all members who have not suffered hardship as a result of the behavior of another, will be behind the reason, families succeed.Pretty simple when we think about it, but if our family has a member in it, who will obsess over the sinfulness of Santa Claus, then we need to make certain our minds are as open as our hearts or understand at what point or level of abuse, will we be justified in walking away.

We need to understand we cannot control others or make decisions for them and each decision we make needs to be an individual decision based on our own thought process and made for ourselves,in an effort to spare our own sanity through truth and in avoidance of denial as well as our own physical well-being,sometimes for the survival of our own marriage or other times for the safeguard of our minor children.

MY hope then is that we all remember when we gather this weekend for an enjoyable Labor Day celebration to Truly celebrate what we love about each other and stay away from assumptions or anything that will divide us, and we will all do fine. The major thing to bear in mind is,”It is a camping trip”. Someone will forget something,someone will not always move at the speed that we would like,children living in close quarters are more apt to argue as are parents,there will be tears and bites but we hope the tears are not coming from the adults, and the number one thing to remember is,”Just think how nice it will be to be back home into the routine we complained about before we left to go camping.” If you are spending it elsewhere, without extended family, then enjoy the last break before the snow or rain flies with the cold. Have a safe but enjoyable trip,everyone!

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Don’t Bother Me

The people in our lives who never want to be bothered by others are usually the same who are bothered by everything. If they hold a job, which some never do while others never keep a job, those who do come home grab a beer or the Nintendo or Wii and start playing. Other times when they come home from the job, they grab a six-pack,several glasses of wine, or several drinks, turn on the television and spend the rest of the night in front of it, until they either fall asleep,sometimes in a stupor, in the chair or go to bed.The family will dish him/her up a plate of food and bring it to them. They never ask for or question what their spouse or children did during the day,because they have enough problems of their own, and simply do not want to be bothered.

When they are adult children; they will sleep until the afternoon get up and grab something to eat, and watch the soaps, and then the women will get ready to go out and shop,on Dad’s or Mom’s credit card, while the guys usually play video games and then both will go out to cruise the bars,casinos, or clubs, much later, again on the cash from Mom and Dad.

We see this more times in fathers who grew up as sons,being waited on by the women of the family, but it can be just as common in women. Both can and do apply to men and women who were never asked to do anything when it came to taking responsibility for their own rooms, much less, help out with the upkeep of the lawn,laundry,balancing the budget,cooking, or in the upkeep of the house, because Mom always did it. It is always much more difficult to teach children to take responsibility in a home than it is to do it ourselves, according to our own standards, and that is why they grow up to become adults who do not want to be bothered by anything.

Many times our own lack of ambition or that of our spouse, will spread onto our children who will repeat the same sloth like existence. This type of personality, often, pat themselves on their own back, as to how nothing ever bothers them and how easy-going they are, even though everyone else living with them are continuously stressed out and under pressure.

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand, all of the work and stress of keeping up the bills,the house,our children, and the lawn falls on the shoulders of the spouses or parents, if they are old enough to be out of the house on their own or holding down a job, but instead are remaining at home to be both supported and waited on by their parent or parents.It has not and will it ever occur to people, who do not take responsibility for their own lives, that it is much easier to be easy-going, when someone else is taking care of our responsibility.

In some Christian homes women are taught the men work to support them and the family, all day, so it is the women’s job to wait on the men and make certain they are kept content and happy when they return home at night. It is the job of the wife to make sure the children are well-disciplined and kept both away from their fathers, and even in some cases out of their sight, so that the man of the house is not bothered by their noise and racket. Fathers are entitled to relax and to enjoy their peace and quiet when they return home from a stressful day of work. They should not be bothered by the wife’s complaints or conversation nor by their own children.

The pathetic thing about treating adults so that they will not be bothered, is that many times when their children grow up they do become the generation most threatened by drugs and alcohol.They feel that they were both unloved and unwanted by their fathers,and why shouldn’t they feel that way?When adult children or adult men and women, do not want to be bothered by responsibility, they too, will turn to drug and alcohol to numb their own sense of worthlessness.

The great majority of mankind do find our own sense of importance from what we achieve in life. The older we get,having achieved nothing, the more cheated, we feel when we were never taught to be self-sufficient. The dysfunction that existed in the family homes, made the children feel,justifiably so, as a burden to their fathers or their mothers when they were told they should not bother mom or dad,as well.

A child does not, nor should they ever have to understand, why just being themselves, is a bother to their parents.When everything bothers us as an adult we will find out, that no one will be around to bother us, later. Being generous with our money does not equal love or parenting.

When the self-appointed-martyred parents or wife pass on, and no one is left to wait on these adult children or husbands,they will find that no one else will be as eager,naive or stupid to do so. If we were not there for our children, it is fairly certain that our children will not be there for us when they grow up,either.When we teach them that we will wait on them until they find a spouse to take our place,we teach them that they are not worth the bother, of our time or efforts, to parent them so that they can and will grow up to achieve their own purpose or success in life.

We parents do need to know that raising children always has been and always will be about,”Pay now or Pay later.” No generation can or will change the responsibility of parent to child and not come out the winner or the loser for having done the right or wrong thing by our children. We need to know, ourselves, what truly showing love, over not being bothered entails in the life of our own family.It is always different from one family to the next because we all have different personalities and value systems that we need to live by, and teach, through our own equal treatment of the same.

It has always been a disaster, to every marriage and family, when one person is left to take on all the responsibility of home and family while the others live a carefree existence in the home.Since jobs bring with it both a pay check and a 40 to 60 hour week but home life lasts 24/7 without a pay check or let up in the hours, the entire family needs to know how,when and where to assume responsibility.

It can be more difficult to live with the person, who appoints themselves or accepts total responsibility, to be the martyr, as it is to live with the person who does not want to be bothered. Neither brings peace or harmony to our homes or family.Equality in a home, where everyone takes on their own responsibility, will always bring about a more successful lifestyle for all who reside there, by freeing up the time and commitment of all of us. Equality of the genders can not go away unless, we ourselves, ask for or accept without question, injustice.

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Respecting Our Differences

How many times do we hear parents say,”They may look-alike but none of them act the same,”in families, and yet we try to force identical behavior on all of the children. I understand the necessity to set rules and boundaries in our homes,in order to maintain equality for all the members of the family. I do not dispute the need to do so.

What I am talking about is how too many times we try to pin point each child into following the example of the child, that parents often pick,out of the family. More times than not it will be the oldest son or daughter of the home. There is even the philosophy or belief that exist, “raise the first child right and all the rest will follow.” Other times if parents find the oldest un-cooperative then they will pick the most submissive and hold her or him up as their favorite child or the example of the family, that the rest of the children need to follow.

We always do better as parents if we set the example that the children are to follow, instead of putting perfection on another child in the household. Too often the behavior of the child, is anything but perfection, but in a parents’ need to think they are raising the perfect child, they often blame that child more harshly, when they do prove that they are just a normal child and do and will make mistakes like all the rest of the children.

Other times parents are so intent in believing that this child is perfect that they will never make them take responsibility for their own mistakes or failures. In short parents will go into denial and refuse to believe anyone, who does not agree with their own estimation of their child. This will sometimes even include law enforcement, when they show up, and still these parents will deny this child made a mistake. It will always be the fault of another instead.

I think most people do understand the damage that parents do when they set their children against each other to compete for their approval or love, but sadly, it still does not stop that form of parenting ,in some cases. To call ourselves good parents when we will not tolerate anything beyond what we establish as “black and white”, reality, is an exaggeration of the word, “good.”

Just as we parents acknowledge, our children are all different, they will also excel in different areas of their life. The differences in maturity also tell us the need to raise our children as the individual they are. To simply pick out a child and expect the rest to follow the same behavior will only backfire and disappoint both them as well as ourselves. It is when we try to force a child into an image, we conceive, that we will have children who will rebel and often become the so-called,”losers”, that the parents have labeled them to be.

It can become very destructive to the families’ unity, when the child who disagrees with the parents has higher standards and becomes the real success of the family, instead, and they were not the “chosen one.”Sadly, there will always be families who would rather be right than to have a child of theirs’ prove their own judgment to be wrong, regardless how successful of a person, that child becomes. In cases where the entire family follows the lead of the parent, the child who feels differently in their belief system from the rest, will many times be branded by the siblings, especially when jealousy plays a role, no differently from the way the parents will brand the child,as well.

Just as adults have different ideas and opinions as well as different taste and some mature while others never do, the same is true of our children. If one of our children excels at sports and the other as a painter or writer, too many times fathers especially, will treat the son who enjoys something different from he did, as a child in the home who he simply shares the home with. Other times men will argue “they are girls. What do I know about shopping or volley ball?”

Mothers on the other hand, sometimes, will claim that they are just too nervous to watch sports while indulging the son or daughter who will go shopping with her. Other times it is the mothers who would not miss one of their child’s sports activities but will fail to show up at another child’s piano recital or the reverse. Children need equal time and attention from their parents and we cannot simply substitute our time by replacing it with an older sibling. If they fail to become a “mini Me” and instead find interests of their own, we need to keep our own disappointment out of it, and instead support them.

When we become lost in our own lives,children will misbehave, if they find that is the only way they can get our attention. Fathers cannot continuously expect mothers to cover for them in their child’s activities or the reverse, and not expect that at some point their child or children will act out their disappointment, as well.

To be good parents we all need to understand that our children will choose what interests them and when they do, our role is to support each child with the same amount of concern and interests that we show those who share our interests. If we cannot be enthusiastic just for the sake of it being our child, who is performing, then we need to make an attitude adjustment of our own. We need to make an effort to understand better why this holds an interest to our child. If we need to learn the game, then take time to learn it.

When we allow our own fears to enter into the lives of our children, too many times, we can let those fears stagnate the life that our child has a right to discover. Too often parents will believe that their “black and white” way of doing things is all that matters, and as long as a child steps up to that criteria, then we have been good parents. We can also apply this same theory to the kind of person we have become when it comes to accepting the differences in all of the human race.

Good parents are in truth, those parents who accept our children’s differences from ourselves as readily as we do their shared interests with us. Anyone can enjoy what we find enjoyable but it takes a good parent to acknowledge enjoyment and respect for our children’s differences, from our own.

It is always easy to raise a child who agrees with us, but the true test of our own ability, is raising the child who has a different opinion from our own, on almost everything, with the exception of morality. When we raise our children through love and support while teaching them the boundaries of respect, in return, we teach them the significance of unconditional love. They will then in return teach their children who will teach their children etc., and both the family as well as Society, will know the rewards.

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Learning From Our Teenagers

If we have made responsibility the central theme in our homes, long before the adolescent years, then we can often times see what we have taught our children, come back at us during the teenage years. Responsibility does not just mean making their school work their number one pursuit nor does it mean cleaning their rooms and looking after their own personal hygiene the only thing that matters. A great part of responsiblity also entails teaching them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and the words that come out of their own mouths.

They or we do not get to get off on being rude to us or others, because we have failed to teach them respect. They or we do not get to get off on lying or cheating on their homework, because we have made study time consistent in our homes and made it the top priority over anything else,first. Home work needs to be done where we can both watch them and help them when they need help.

If they are not asking us for help then that is a good clue they are not doing their homework. Sending them to their room so they can grab a book and pretend or switch to a web site every time they hear us in the hallway or knock on the door is not supervising homework. They or we do not go free from understanding that when we deal out discipline or punishment they will need to follow it through until they finish it because we have been consistent with our punishment.

In short then, just as all the lessons of life need to be taught to our children because we have done our job they need to take responsibility for their actions by doing their job. Do not use,”I trust my child or children” as a cop-out to get out of taking your own responsibility towards being there both as their supervisor and their guide.

The earlier children understand right from wrong and their responsibility in it, the sooner it becomes habit in their lives. Children who are not confused with morality,since they have learned to live the value of right over wrong until it has become a habit, many times, are more tuned in to the choices available to them. It takes so much more energy to lie and cheat because we are always called on to remember what it was we said in order to keep from exposing ourselves as a liar. Not to mention the guilt that often follows that all liars need to justify in order to live with the lie. Mankind was never made to lie. At the opposite end of that statement, since it is not accurate to generalize about anyone,many times, it is the parents who make the rules too strict,who have the children who behave the worse,once they find their freedom or rebel.

The chances are always better with honest children who are allowed to express themselves,because many times they are not conflicted by peer pressure or not understanding their own minds or direction. Since teenagers are no different from the rest of the population and anything is possible we need to keep in mind that they still need our direction during moments of doubt or confusion that will sometimes happen. Other times to be able to say,”My parents would kill me if I do”,offers a nice excuse for them to get out of doing what they know is wrong. No one can ever say,”My child never would.” and say it with certainty. Our chances are better with honest kids who do not have to lie in order to be able to spend time with their friends, though in a great deal of the cases.

Since self-expression as well as terminology and the way it gets expressed, is very much a part of each individual taste, be prepared to be humbled, if they do not always dress or appear to speak the same language as we do.Conformity will come soon enough,and it does us all well, to support their own desire to express who they are to themselves as well as their peers. Wanting to be different from everyone else is much better than wanting to be like everyone else,in an effort to be accepted or popular.Many times they will set the trend when they do decide to be different and if not they are showing more courage than most of us do, and that is a good thing.Creatitivity, often, brings along with it a life-time of success and contentment.

It is not the responsibility of the school, Church, grandparents or anyone else to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own behavior, it is our responsibility to teach them. The others will simply aid us or help us once we get them started in understanding that we are the parents and our children can both trust us to keep our word to them and they can rely on us to be there for them when they need us. They need to learn that our home is a safe place to return to at the end of the day when children have been children.

If we do not remember just how mean children can be to each other, then we need to take a refresher course by just listening to our children and offering the help where needed. If it is our own child who is mean and we are not handling it correctly because they are being mean to other children and even being bullies, then we need to get professional help,the earlier the better.

After all of that has been accomplished, we will have these wonderful people in our lives who are known as teenagers. They will bring home with them and their friends an enthusiasm and zest for life, at the point in our own lives, we feel our own enthusiasm is draining. They have a generosity of heart for all their fellow students, at a time, we have become too set in our ways or too complacent with the status quo. They will accept everyone because they have been taught to accept everyone and they will many times remind us that it was us who taught them the significance of doing so, at a time, we are becoming more cynical each day. They have a thirst for learning and getting involved with the world around them, at a time, we are not even keeping up with the magazine subscriptions on World affairs.

If we as parents remember that we need to start teaching our children no later than the age of 2 or 3 the significance of taking responsibility for their own actions as well as what is theirs and taking responsibility for it as well, then we will find that our teenagers have a great deal to teach us.

Many times, we had already taught them but until now, we were not always certain that they had heard. If our teenagers are not renewing our own youth while inspiring us to be more accepting of others, but instead are a consistent head ache, each day, then do them and you both a favor, do not stoop to their level and fight and argue with them but instead get them help that you both need. If we have done our job in early training,and we are maintaining a general acceptance of their right to express themselves, but there is no explanation for this sudden change in attitude, many times, this is the time that we will see mental illness and depression begin to play a role in the lives of our child or children.That can be true in poorly structured homes as well.Too often we over-look genetic factors that are often as a result of hereditary factors.

For the sake of all adolescence and teenagers, everywhere, parents need to know and understand that personalities do not just change from happy-go-lucky to quiet and withdrawn. As parents we need to make certain that there is not an under lying cause and we as parents need to be aware if our children have had a life changing altercation or attack on them, are not doing street drugs or drugs stolen from our own medicine cabinets, or taking alcohol from our own homes.

If they have not had the early training in childhood or have had early training we need to get out of denial, and understand both are sometimes the other side of being teenagers. Children many times will be the alcohol or drug suppliers from our own home or from their grandparents without anyone being wiser for it. It is also, quite possible, that they are suffering from depression and need medical help.

Do not think that teenagers will always share the truth with us or for that matter anyone else either. Many times they carry an irrational shame or fear that can only surface with the help of a professionally trained person or people. Do not wait until the school decides to send them to counseling as many times kids can be great deceivers and schools do not always see the child we see.

Many times poor behavior is shown to us, as parents, as a scream for help when our child needs help. Our teenagers can teach us many things and all we have to do is be tuned in or knowledgeable enough to know the symptoms that are out-of-place when they happen.

We can only know that when we do know and understand we are their parent and their friends are their friends. Too many parents make the mistake that teenagers are adults now so we just have to let them learn on their own. Make certain we are learning as well, from the teenager, so we can step in when needed. The success of their life may depend on it. Teenagers are for enjoying and if they are unhappy we will be as well. Stay alert,be wise, and be there, and it can be the best years of all of our lives. Not only will we all be rewarded as a family, but so will, all of Society feel the imprint we have made on our children’s lives.

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