Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

“It’s not you, it’s me,” is the biggest break up line that is used or heard, by all of us, who are in and out of relationships.More times than not, there is a great deal of truth to it, and we ourselves, are totally confused as to why this relationship,that we had so many hopes for, has failed.Other times, we/they knew it was doomed from the start and the words “It’s not you, it’s me” often are used to let someone we/they have dated or been with,for a while, down easy. It is equal to,”can we still be friends?”

When we understand there is more truth to it than not, we will be wise to examine ourselves to discover why it is that we cannot commit or are willing to settle for less than what we deserve. If that is not the problem, it is quite possible our alarms were going off and it is a good thing we got out of the relationship.

Other times we/they were just stringing us/them along, because we/they were lonely and had hopes that,maybe, if we/they gave us/them a chance, something could work out. Other times, we/they may be fearful of the aggression or anger in us/them, so we/they try to spare ourselves or themselves from the anger, as well.

If you follow or read my posts then you understand that I always encourage ourselves to take responsibility for the role we play in relationships.I do not do that because I feel we are always wrong or at fault. I do that because it is so much easier to deal with pain and heal from it, once we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and we understand our own motives.If we are looking for less than what we establish as our goals, or have placed the bar so high as to be unattainable for any human to achieve,we need to know both about ourselves,first.

Many times people are placed in our lives to teach us and to learn from them, so we quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and unless we evaluate ourselves, as to why we keep inviting the same type of person into our lives, we will never change the pattern.

It is hard enough to be betrayed or hurt once by someone without allowing them to hurt us over and over again, because we end up hating them and obsessing over it, for months or sometimes years. Each time we express hate and anger towards another we hurt ourselves one more time, because we fail to realize that it is many times ourselves, who we are angry at, since we were warned or recognized something was wrong, but ignored the warnings anyway.

We often feel we can handle the problem or allow others to mistreat us, and then later become upset at ourselves, because we find that it was a far greater problem than what we were prepared to deal with.By harboring hate against another, we many times harbor unrest against ourselves,as well.

When we do this,especially when it is the father or mother of our child or children, those who are the closest to us more times than not, are hurt by our obsessing as well.All the ranting and raving that we are doing is teaching our children that people of the other gender, will hurt us,so therefore they can’t trust anyone to the point that they will find they are going into relationships looking for and finding fault,many times, where fault does not even exist.

Too often, both we and they will dismiss relationships that are with honorable people because we/they go looking for the jerks since we have taught them as well as ourselves, that every one of the opposite gender, is a jerk or a bitch anyway, so we might as well let these people into our lives. Other times they will choose these people, looking for the love they felt they lost out on with their absent parents. Other times we and they will sell themselves or ourselves short, thinking they or we are damaged goods, and do not deserve any better.

We often hear people ask,”Do I have a jerk magnate attached somewhere?” If we are opposite of the person who does not learn to trust and are too trustworthy,the answer is sometimes,” yes,”and can be comparable to those who fail to trust.

The thing a jerk looks for, in their next relationship, is how easy we are to con or manipulate.If we are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings it will stand out as a “sore thumb”, to those who are only looking for someone to believe their bag of lies,hard luck stories, or they are planning on using us. Many women as well as men will check out our financial status before and then pretend to bump into us, when it has been planned from the beginning.

Other times we may be the type of person who responds well to having our ego stroked or to romance. They will pick up on that as well and flood us with compliments and roses followed by candle lit dinners. Other times they are only looking for the thrill of the challenge and will disappear once they can add another notch to their belts.

The reality of life is that not all people are nice people. Many are narcissists either giving the appearance of or living financially successful lives, because they are experts at getting what they want for themselves. Others will betray us,while others seek out the vulnerable to use, so they never have to work a day in their lives. Sometimes they are very charming and good-looking and can peel the clothes right off of us, but it does not change the fact that their motives are deceitful.

Not all people are deliberately devious,on the other hand,either. In many cases people simply do not learn common courtesy and are insensitive by nature, because they have not been exposed to living any differently.Many a husband or wife has had to provide what was missing in the life of their spouse, due to the lack of direction or maturity in taking responsibility, prior to meeting them.

We cannot provide them with what we think is/was missing, however, unless they recognize they need help and wish us to. We can only offer guidance according to the needs and understanding of both people co-operating. We will not fix or control them to get our own needs met or to force our parent’s idea of what works, on them, without having disastrous results.

Since neither we or our spouse are our parents or their parents,but instead two separate individuals, we need to establish a more amenable set of rules, to be able to conform to the new awareness of our generation, for our own sake and that of our children.If one of us came from an overly strict household where another came from a home that allowed more self-expression, then we need to reach an agreement on what rules to keep or which to discard.

We need to compete with the current generation in which we live by determining the mixture of morality from both of our homes, that we both agree to keep as a couple.Every couple needs to agree on and establish their own value system in order to keep confusion out of the lives of their children.

To go into a relationship,thinking differently, when we neither know who we are or if our own parenting reasoning is sound, often means that we will not know if what we find lacking or missing in them, is not our own interpretation, when in truth, they are the better prepared to help us, if we do not understand ourselves.It takes mutual respect of both our differences as well as our likes along with the person we are or are meant to be, to determine what will work best in any relationship. It is when we make demands on another to be someone they are not, we need to take responsibility for our own mistakes.

When we understand the differences, because we are better grounded ourselves,we will be able to distinguish between the naive,the confused and the deliberate, unless we come from a similar background.If neither of us have been taught morality then we need to establish a new set of rules. In that case we may both be helped by tuning in more to our own short comings and changing that part of ourselves in an effort to teach our children the importance of character. Compassion and empathy for each other, or the lack of it, will usually show through and are hard to disguise, long-term.If we cannot offer both we will usually find that both will be slow to be returned to us.

If we all know and understand ourselves first, then we will know the difference between what makes us respond or react. When our feelings are mixed up and confused then we need to use our common sense and reasoning.Common sense will tell us if we are confused when we do not refuse to listen to it.

No one human being has not been hurt as a result of making assumptions that were wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.We are not different or unique or stupid in doing the same. It does us no good to get down on ourselves when we do make a mistake,but we do need to learn from our mistakes by dealing with ourselves. Sometimes we will need to talk to someone who has been where we are and who can help us reason more clearly.We need to avoid those who we know are not good for us instead of seeking them out.

I am tired of seeing the true losers in life, destroy good people who are sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time. Any time we are vulnerable because we have not allowed ourselves to grieve from the lost of a loved one,our health, or income, then we need to be exceptionally careful before making rash decisions.

When we understand our own strength and weaknesses, then we will understand where and when we need to protect ourselves and forget about hurting the feelings of those who have ulterior motives. When we do we will recognize those who operate on both payback as well as their own agendas only.

Unless we can get rid of the false bravado that too many of us carry, that it will never happen to us, because we are too smart, we will not learn to trust our own instincts. By understanding that bad things can happen to good people, we will take the blame off of ourselves and instead accept that we were unprepared but will make certain we will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Too many times it is as simple as our being in the wrong place at the wrong time emotionally or mentally,because we were not prepared or did not even know there would be risk. My posts are about learning that we can trust, once we trust the fact that we have prepared ourselves through knowledge of ourselves instead of wasting time blaming others.

Unless we take full responsibility for our own self as well as our own behavior, from rising in the morning to retiring at night, we leave a door open for jerks to enter. We will commonly know someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend are a real bitch or jerk, because many times we spend too much of our time judging them or evaluating our friend’s relationships, when this time would be better spent on evaluating ourselves.

Nothing protects or gives back more than learning our own strengths and weaknesses.Knowledge will teach us to strengthen our weaknesses, while letting up on our paranoia. Life and dating should always be about loving and enjoying because we can trust our own motives, as well as our own choices.

Read Full Post »

This post is going to relate to my own interpretation of joy and happiness as I have experienced it, as most of my posts do.I’m sure many an expert will disagree with points that I make, but in the end, I have come to appreciate that none of us can base our own lives on what someone else thinks, but instead on what we know to be true.

I have never felt the need to discriminate against anyone, once I matured into an adult.As a result,I have been befriended by both the wealthy and the poor, as well as,different belief systems, genders and races, and I find what is true with one of us, is true about all of us.

We are all looking for happiness and contentment, in life. Many of us who have children will put their happiness first, until it does dawn on us that the things we buy for ourselves or our children, have a very short shelf life.

If we do not change our direction in thinking, “buying makes us happy,” too many times, we will resent our own children or others, that we buy for,because they lack appreciation. Even when we know that the problem is our own spending habits and we are going broke,doing so, some of us will need to learn. “We don’t always get our cake and eat it too.”.We need to understand that people who wish to do for themselves,will resent our continuous need to make ourselves feel better,at their expense, because many times in our need to buy, we only make them feel obligated to us.

It is the things that we do as well as the words we use to express our feelings towards others that, often times, brings happiness to both of us. Just a smile to a stranger, can many times turn the direction of both of our days. When we choose to smile back we share our own happiness with them.

I had been spending a great deal of my time with a wealthy person in my youth, so when the person who showed up in my life, neither had her front teeth and the sole on her shoe, was loose, the first thing that was most obvious to me, was how happy she was living such an uncomplicated life.

After having listened to the wealthy complain about having to attend another, “black tie,” function, that she was dreading attending, but worried she would be shunned if she did not, it was such a breath of fresh air to spend time with the woman, who had raised her family, and did not have a care in the world. She was retired living primarily on her social security check, but since she enjoyed good health and neither wanted or needed much, her life was her own. She was content and settled with her poverty and peace of mind.

In my estimation, all human beings are made up of the body the mind and the soul, or if you prefer,our mental,physical and spiritual well-being. When we over-balance attention to another and neglect the other, we feel restless or discontent with ourselves. If we tune into our own feelings, we will not turn the negatives that we feel within ourselves onto others.

People who have learned to express themselves through crafts,art, or creative talent can bring peace to their mental well-being but if we never deal with the problem that drives us to be unhappy, we only delay the root of the problem.We need to get to the bottom of what it is that truly is upsetting us, since we need to give equal attention to the balance of our physical,spiritual and mental parts. In short we place a band-aid on an arterial bleed that needs to be sewn shut, if we only live for the minute or the short time, without healing our own pain or looking for happiness that we can trust.

As I have mentioned in past posts, too often, the victims will feel guilt or the victimizers will pass blame.When we have been traumatized, we need to talk about it and heal it, with those who can help us. If we neither confront the truth and heal it, we deny ourselves happiness.No one can make us happy if we are ready to accept being miserable nor can we be happy unless we are happy with ourselves.

Plenty of people can interfere with our own happiness, if we allow them to, but no one but ourselves,can make us happy.No one is responsible for our seeking happiness and unless we do, we will too many times blame others, when we are not happy. Once we do establish happiness with ourselves then people in our lives can either add to or subtract from it, because we have let their emotions or upsets affect how we view or accept life.

Happiness is more than just an attitude. It is what comes from inside of us so that we live and breathe it, while sharing it with others. If we find it is impossible to maintain our own happiness,without using alcohol,drugs,out working everyone else in an effort to avoid our home, or buying things, then we do need to evaluate the reasons why, we are not making the changes that will and do lead to our own happiness.

Sometimes it can be the negative crowd or group, we hang with. We do, too many times, become like the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes it is because we do not feel good, and we cannot feel that any of us are going to feel good, when we feel physically,mentally, or spiritually, rotten.

When we know that we are a worse person with others, because we lower our own mental and spiritual well-being,in an effort to be included or fit in, we are not going to be happy, unless we do make the changes that will lead to becoming the person we wish to be.

When we over-look the truth and surround ourselves in denial, then we also are not being realistic about our own happiness. Perhaps we are the leader of the bunch, when it comes to a joyless group. We won’t know unless we try to change the direction within the group,first.

Many times, we will find it is our own lack of happiness that is spreading over all of the group. When we laugh because we are happy, they many times will laugh with us. However if they are laughing at us, then we can be certain, that we are not the leader.

The mean-spirited will always believe those who are hurt or get hurt as a result of their words or actions, are just too sensitive, so why do we stay? Happiness is a habit that is very real and is part of who we are. We find it within ourselves. We do not shove it onto others. We do not use it to judge others. We wake up with it and take it to bed with us. It lives within us when we are happy being the person we are.

We find happiness in children, who live in the present, because they can trust Mom and Dad to take care of everything. Happiness brings us back to the present, because we don’t have to worry about what we are going to do, as we already know our strengths and weaknesses.

We know or are reasonably certain, that we will react or respond according to a good day or a poor day, and as a result of how we are feeling about, ourselves. We know it all may change tomorrow but when or if it does, we can trust ourselves just like we always have before, because a Power higher than us has the last word. Happiness is truly all about feeling good about who we are and trusting our motives, as well as our love, without finding fault and blame in others.

Everyone else in our life are the extras who bring us joy or sometimes disappointment, if we incorrectly assume anything about them or try to control them. We have learned that not all relationships are meant to last. We don’t worry so much who will be there for us because we have provided, as well as, possible for our own needs.

We miss you but understand our differences were too great to over come, for one of us if not both of us, or we understand that our lives were intended to take a different path or the Dear Lord was ready for you. We have grieved and healed from the lost, and understand that we only get to live this life once so we put in the hard work to live happy!It begins with one step at a time, towards changing ourselves.

Read Full Post »

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

Read Full Post »

I have written about families who do not succeed, as obviously families who do and have been successful,clearly know and understand the value of taking responsibility for their own lives, and will continue doing just fine without the financial or moral advice of others, as long as other family members understand that they still need and want as much acceptance as the other member or members of the family, who do or does not achieve,at the same rate.

Successful families will spend as much time offering genuine congratulations as they will sympathy.They gain hope for themselves through the success of the other members who have made it, if that is their goal. If they know and are honest with themselves, that they will never achieve the same, because they have different goals or priorities,not to mention spending habits, they do not begrudge the success of their siblings. Money will never pass the hands of the adult members unless it is given of the free will and clear thinking of a family member in form of a Birthday or Christmas gift.

If we do give money or help, it is because we want to and not because we feel manipulated into doing so,but we do it with the acceptance of everyone involved. It needs to be money given freely that will not lead to our own hardships, later,if we do find we need the money. Families will help out when a member of the family has an emergency, due to a car breaking down, illness,moving,fires, or once in a life-time or extremely rare layoff,etc., when they are able to help, as long as, it does not take their life savings.

I haven’t come close to even skimming the surface, of truly painful dysfunctions in families, who do not even rate on the scale of remote acceptance, when it comes to family values. These family members have no regard for anyone beyond where they are going to get their next fix and how they will find the money to do so,even when it comes to stealing from family members or prostituting out their own spouse or children or themselves. Yet parents will blindly aid and abet them at a price or lost to the entire family. They will only get better,many times when they are arrested or sent to rehabilitation. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are so greedy they would sell their own mother, if they could make a profit on it. Instead I have pretty much stayed with what has been common in families over the generations, when families fail to last.

Where no member feels justified or entitled to borrow money, or money never enters the picture because of manipulation or guilt,much less where borrowing becomes habit,families eliminate the number one cause of families failing. The number two cause of failure is finding fault and passing blame and making assumptions based on the sense of entitlement. When families fail to understand that Mom and Dad do not owe us money for our childhood nor do we owe them money for it,unless a formal loan was made by word of mouth or contract, and parents do not make their children compete for their time and attention through the use of failure, while success goes unrewarded,families do work out and last.

The reason I have expressed taking responsibility for ourselves, when we become adults and it is time to move on, is because many times it is the child that fails in doing so, that parents feel most protective of defending. We parents do wear blinders, many times, in not understanding the damage we do to our own families when we feel the need to make the weak member of the household ,our favorites. To express that this child is and has always been our favorite, only adds flame to the fire, when the other children have never asked anything of us, but instead have only offered to help us when we needed help.

Successful families do not have a parent or child in it that is lying, in order to get attention or sympathy, in order to come out as the most favored child or sibling,they do not disown or exclude a member of the family from family gatherings,or lie to buy drugs, or lie to cover for the fact they have a spending problem,to cover for their gambling,or because they simply fail to work long enough and hard enough to reach their own goals through saving,etc. Successful families do not use their failures or claim to be the most unfortunate member of the family, in order to blackmail their parents or to play on their parents guilt.

Successful families are not made responsible for the sibling who fails to live within the boundaries of the income they earn. Successful families are accepting of our differences, over being critical of them. Successful families understand that we will each be tested in our own range of life and our tests of life do not need to be compared with theirs.

It is not uncommon that those who are tested the most severe, are often the most grateful amongst us as well as the last to complain about their hardship. They can and do appreciate the lesson that has been taught them and the value of having learned the lesson. Successful families will make room for the spouses of each family member, to express their own minds.Successful families are those who if they choose to marry, will understand that the wife deals with the issues in her family while the husband deals with the issues in his family but they come first, when it comes to communicating between the two, if and when problems arise.

I could go on forever, and not touch all the reasons why families fail or succeed, but for the most part when assumptions are made by us and other members of the family fail to live up to our expectations or demands, and we end up disappointed as a result of our own erroneous ideas, and when we place conditions on our love, then our families will enter the danger zone that does lead to failure.

Unconditional love and acceptance of our differences given freely without strings attached or expectations in return,garnered with respect for each member by all members who have not suffered hardship as a result of the behavior of another, will be behind the reason, families succeed.Pretty simple when we think about it, but if our family has a member in it, who will obsess over the sinfulness of Santa Claus, then we need to make certain our minds are as open as our hearts or understand at what point or level of abuse, will we be justified in walking away.

We need to understand we cannot control others or make decisions for them and each decision we make needs to be an individual decision based on our own thought process and made for ourselves,in an effort to spare our own sanity through truth and in avoidance of denial as well as our own physical well-being,sometimes for the survival of our own marriage or other times for the safeguard of our minor children.

MY hope then is that we all remember when we gather this weekend for an enjoyable Labor Day celebration to Truly celebrate what we love about each other and stay away from assumptions or anything that will divide us, and we will all do fine. The major thing to bear in mind is,”It is a camping trip”. Someone will forget something,someone will not always move at the speed that we would like,children living in close quarters are more apt to argue as are parents,there will be tears and bites but we hope the tears are not coming from the adults, and the number one thing to remember is,”Just think how nice it will be to be back home into the routine we complained about before we left to go camping.” If you are spending it elsewhere, without extended family, then enjoy the last break before the snow or rain flies with the cold. Have a safe but enjoyable trip,everyone!

Read Full Post »

The people in our lives who never want to be bothered by others are usually the same who are bothered by everything. If they hold a job, which some never do while others never keep a job, those who do come home grab a beer or the Nintendo or Wii and start playing. Other times when they come home from the job, they grab a six-pack,several glasses of wine, or several drinks, turn on the television and spend the rest of the night in front of it, until they either fall asleep,sometimes in a stupor, in the chair or go to bed.The family will dish him/her up a plate of food and bring it to them. They never ask for or question what their spouse or children did during the day,because they have enough problems of their own, and simply do not want to be bothered.

When they are adult children; they will sleep until the afternoon get up and grab something to eat, and watch the soaps, and then the women will get ready to go out and shop,on Dad’s or Mom’s credit card, while the guys usually play video games and then both will go out to cruise the bars,casinos, or clubs, much later, again on the cash from Mom and Dad.

We see this more times in fathers who grew up as sons,being waited on by the women of the family, but it can be just as common in women. Both can and do apply to men and women who were never asked to do anything when it came to taking responsibility for their own rooms, much less, help out with the upkeep of the lawn,laundry,balancing the budget,cooking, or in the upkeep of the house, because Mom always did it. It is always much more difficult to teach children to take responsibility in a home than it is to do it ourselves, according to our own standards, and that is why they grow up to become adults who do not want to be bothered by anything.

Many times our own lack of ambition or that of our spouse, will spread onto our children who will repeat the same sloth like existence. This type of personality, often, pat themselves on their own back, as to how nothing ever bothers them and how easy-going they are, even though everyone else living with them are continuously stressed out and under pressure.

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand, all of the work and stress of keeping up the bills,the house,our children, and the lawn falls on the shoulders of the spouses or parents, if they are old enough to be out of the house on their own or holding down a job, but instead are remaining at home to be both supported and waited on by their parent or parents.It has not and will it ever occur to people, who do not take responsibility for their own lives, that it is much easier to be easy-going, when someone else is taking care of our responsibility.

In some Christian homes women are taught the men work to support them and the family, all day, so it is the women’s job to wait on the men and make certain they are kept content and happy when they return home at night. It is the job of the wife to make sure the children are well-disciplined and kept both away from their fathers, and even in some cases out of their sight, so that the man of the house is not bothered by their noise and racket. Fathers are entitled to relax and to enjoy their peace and quiet when they return home from a stressful day of work. They should not be bothered by the wife’s complaints or conversation nor by their own children.

The pathetic thing about treating adults so that they will not be bothered, is that many times when their children grow up they do become the generation most threatened by drugs and alcohol.They feel that they were both unloved and unwanted by their fathers,and why shouldn’t they feel that way?When adult children or adult men and women, do not want to be bothered by responsibility, they too, will turn to drug and alcohol to numb their own sense of worthlessness.

The great majority of mankind do find our own sense of importance from what we achieve in life. The older we get,having achieved nothing, the more cheated, we feel when we were never taught to be self-sufficient. The dysfunction that existed in the family homes, made the children feel,justifiably so, as a burden to their fathers or their mothers when they were told they should not bother mom or dad,as well.

A child does not, nor should they ever have to understand, why just being themselves, is a bother to their parents.When everything bothers us as an adult we will find out, that no one will be around to bother us, later. Being generous with our money does not equal love or parenting.

When the self-appointed-martyred parents or wife pass on, and no one is left to wait on these adult children or husbands,they will find that no one else will be as eager,naive or stupid to do so. If we were not there for our children, it is fairly certain that our children will not be there for us when they grow up,either.When we teach them that we will wait on them until they find a spouse to take our place,we teach them that they are not worth the bother, of our time or efforts, to parent them so that they can and will grow up to achieve their own purpose or success in life.

We parents do need to know that raising children always has been and always will be about,”Pay now or Pay later.” No generation can or will change the responsibility of parent to child and not come out the winner or the loser for having done the right or wrong thing by our children. We need to know, ourselves, what truly showing love, over not being bothered entails in the life of our own family.It is always different from one family to the next because we all have different personalities and value systems that we need to live by, and teach, through our own equal treatment of the same.

It has always been a disaster, to every marriage and family, when one person is left to take on all the responsibility of home and family while the others live a carefree existence in the home.Since jobs bring with it both a pay check and a 40 to 60 hour week but home life lasts 24/7 without a pay check or let up in the hours, the entire family needs to know how,when and where to assume responsibility.

It can be more difficult to live with the person, who appoints themselves or accepts total responsibility, to be the martyr, as it is to live with the person who does not want to be bothered. Neither brings peace or harmony to our homes or family.Equality in a home, where everyone takes on their own responsibility, will always bring about a more successful lifestyle for all who reside there, by freeing up the time and commitment of all of us. Equality of the genders can not go away unless, we ourselves, ask for or accept without question, injustice.

Read Full Post »

If we have made responsibility the central theme in our homes, long before the adolescent years, then we can often times see what we have taught our children, come back at us during the teenage years. Responsibility does not just mean making their school work their number one pursuit nor does it mean cleaning their rooms and looking after their own personal hygiene the only thing that matters. A great part of responsiblity also entails teaching them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and the words that come out of their own mouths.

They or we do not get to get off on being rude to us or others, because we have failed to teach them respect. They or we do not get to get off on lying or cheating on their homework, because we have made study time consistent in our homes and made it the top priority over anything else,first. Home work needs to be done where we can both watch them and help them when they need help.

If they are not asking us for help then that is a good clue they are not doing their homework. Sending them to their room so they can grab a book and pretend or switch to a web site every time they hear us in the hallway or knock on the door is not supervising homework. They or we do not go free from understanding that when we deal out discipline or punishment they will need to follow it through until they finish it because we have been consistent with our punishment.

In short then, just as all the lessons of life need to be taught to our children because we have done our job they need to take responsibility for their actions by doing their job. Do not use,”I trust my child or children” as a cop-out to get out of taking your own responsibility towards being there both as their supervisor and their guide.

The earlier children understand right from wrong and their responsibility in it, the sooner it becomes habit in their lives. Children who are not confused with morality,since they have learned to live the value of right over wrong until it has become a habit, many times, are more tuned in to the choices available to them. It takes so much more energy to lie and cheat because we are always called on to remember what it was we said in order to keep from exposing ourselves as a liar. Not to mention the guilt that often follows that all liars need to justify in order to live with the lie. Mankind was never made to lie. At the opposite end of that statement, since it is not accurate to generalize about anyone,many times, it is the parents who make the rules too strict,who have the children who behave the worse,once they find their freedom or rebel.

The chances are always better with honest children who are allowed to express themselves,because many times they are not conflicted by peer pressure or not understanding their own minds or direction. Since teenagers are no different from the rest of the population and anything is possible we need to keep in mind that they still need our direction during moments of doubt or confusion that will sometimes happen. Other times to be able to say,”My parents would kill me if I do”,offers a nice excuse for them to get out of doing what they know is wrong. No one can ever say,”My child never would.” and say it with certainty. Our chances are better with honest kids who do not have to lie in order to be able to spend time with their friends, though in a great deal of the cases.

Since self-expression as well as terminology and the way it gets expressed, is very much a part of each individual taste, be prepared to be humbled, if they do not always dress or appear to speak the same language as we do.Conformity will come soon enough,and it does us all well, to support their own desire to express who they are to themselves as well as their peers. Wanting to be different from everyone else is much better than wanting to be like everyone else,in an effort to be accepted or popular.Many times they will set the trend when they do decide to be different and if not they are showing more courage than most of us do, and that is a good thing.Creatitivity, often, brings along with it a life-time of success and contentment.

It is not the responsibility of the school, Church, grandparents or anyone else to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own behavior, it is our responsibility to teach them. The others will simply aid us or help us once we get them started in understanding that we are the parents and our children can both trust us to keep our word to them and they can rely on us to be there for them when they need us. They need to learn that our home is a safe place to return to at the end of the day when children have been children.

If we do not remember just how mean children can be to each other, then we need to take a refresher course by just listening to our children and offering the help where needed. If it is our own child who is mean and we are not handling it correctly because they are being mean to other children and even being bullies, then we need to get professional help,the earlier the better.

After all of that has been accomplished, we will have these wonderful people in our lives who are known as teenagers. They will bring home with them and their friends an enthusiasm and zest for life, at the point in our own lives, we feel our own enthusiasm is draining. They have a generosity of heart for all their fellow students, at a time, we have become too set in our ways or too complacent with the status quo. They will accept everyone because they have been taught to accept everyone and they will many times remind us that it was us who taught them the significance of doing so, at a time, we are becoming more cynical each day. They have a thirst for learning and getting involved with the world around them, at a time, we are not even keeping up with the magazine subscriptions on World affairs.

If we as parents remember that we need to start teaching our children no later than the age of 2 or 3 the significance of taking responsibility for their own actions as well as what is theirs and taking responsibility for it as well, then we will find that our teenagers have a great deal to teach us.

Many times, we had already taught them but until now, we were not always certain that they had heard. If our teenagers are not renewing our own youth while inspiring us to be more accepting of others, but instead are a consistent head ache, each day, then do them and you both a favor, do not stoop to their level and fight and argue with them but instead get them help that you both need. If we have done our job in early training,and we are maintaining a general acceptance of their right to express themselves, but there is no explanation for this sudden change in attitude, many times, this is the time that we will see mental illness and depression begin to play a role in the lives of our child or children.That can be true in poorly structured homes as well.Too often we over-look genetic factors that are often as a result of hereditary factors.

For the sake of all adolescence and teenagers, everywhere, parents need to know and understand that personalities do not just change from happy-go-lucky to quiet and withdrawn. As parents we need to make certain that there is not an under lying cause and we as parents need to be aware if our children have had a life changing altercation or attack on them, are not doing street drugs or drugs stolen from our own medicine cabinets, or taking alcohol from our own homes.

If they have not had the early training in childhood or have had early training we need to get out of denial, and understand both are sometimes the other side of being teenagers. Children many times will be the alcohol or drug suppliers from our own home or from their grandparents without anyone being wiser for it. It is also, quite possible, that they are suffering from depression and need medical help.

Do not think that teenagers will always share the truth with us or for that matter anyone else either. Many times they carry an irrational shame or fear that can only surface with the help of a professionally trained person or people. Do not wait until the school decides to send them to counseling as many times kids can be great deceivers and schools do not always see the child we see.

Many times poor behavior is shown to us, as parents, as a scream for help when our child needs help. Our teenagers can teach us many things and all we have to do is be tuned in or knowledgeable enough to know the symptoms that are out-of-place when they happen.

We can only know that when we do know and understand we are their parent and their friends are their friends. Too many parents make the mistake that teenagers are adults now so we just have to let them learn on their own. Make certain we are learning as well, from the teenager, so we can step in when needed. The success of their life may depend on it. Teenagers are for enjoying and if they are unhappy we will be as well. Stay alert,be wise, and be there, and it can be the best years of all of our lives. Not only will we all be rewarded as a family, but so will, all of Society feel the imprint we have made on our children’s lives.

Read Full Post »

Although, I quote a great deal of clich√©’s because they do ring true, who ever came up with,”Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” had to be one callous human being or had no reality based idea just how often verbal abuse can and does destroy relationships for life.

The greatest tragedy of all is that painful words used amongst children are often the number one cause of suicide amongst our young people. What children are doing to children with the use of derogatory words on their computers,cell phones,the school bus and the playground across America has risen to a new level of hate. That adults would stoop to the level of children when using the same words against their own children or others should sicken us all.

I’m always amazed when I hear mothers firing back words like”little Bitch” to their daughters or you “little bastard” to their sons and forgetting they are supposed to be the adult. Calling our daughters and sons names when it is our job to eliminate the name calling is a tragedy in more ways than one.

Even in the best of situations (if we can call it that) name calling is the one thing that women or children will never forget.When parents call their daughters little whore or slut or equally disturbing words there is never any taking the words back. The more childish we behave as adults with the name calling the more we are destroying the ability for a loved one to like us and the more damage we are doing to Society as a whole. Too often these words are being learned from parents and passed on to children.

Just as adults when the men we love or care about or our family members label us with name calling or claim we are worthless, it hurts, even when we are older. When abusers think we are just using the milder of names, there is no such thing, because under moments of high stress, if we are in the habit of name calling the worse of the worse will slip out. Words are like brands on cattle we can never take them back or remove them. All apologies will ring hollow in the ears of the verbally abused, for a lifetime.

Too many people seem to be clueless to the fact that loving each other is not the problem. Liking each other is a real struggle. The more we use words in the form of name calling or in other derogatory forms to try to end an argument the more we set ourselves up to destroy our relationships for life. Not only do we need to stop acting like children and quit using name calling as a response mechanism; our children need to be punished with cell phone or Wii removal for a period of time, or something that will cause a hardship in their lives the first time we hear the words of disrespect come out of their mouths. We can not expect our children to respect us or others, if we never teach respect.

If we are calling names ourselves then it is going to be tough for them to have any respect for us if we do it and punish them for it.”Do as I say not as I do,” has never worked and we only fool ourselves by thinking or saying,”this is my home and I can do anything I want,” or “as long as you live under my roof you will do as you are told.” Both phrases only convince them that we are either a bully or think they are stupid.

They know we not only have a moral obligation to raise our children to adulthood but a legal one as well. If our children are still living at home after they are old enough to be on their own it only tells them that we will never force them out anyway, regardless of how they speak to us.

Verbal abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to defend against. When we allow ourselves to stoop to the level of children by name calling we destroy the respect of our children many times for life.No different than husbands and wives do when they do the same thing.

We give to and sacrifice for our children because we love them and want to give to them,in many cases, but another well-worn phrase that means nothing to our children is,”after all the things that I have done for you.” Children are about as manipulative as they come and they get smarter every year. They also understand that if they tell us that such and such has and I don’t have…..a great deal of what we will buy for them, is many times purchased to stop the child from whining,to gain our children’s love,to make ourselves look good,to compete with our friends, or simply that they won when they got what they wanted because we were too stupid (in their minds) to know we were being played by them.

Too many people just form the idea that our children are rebelling and do not bother to do anything about it. Yes if we have done our jobs and taught them to be self-sufficient and then turn around and treat them like babies or if we haven’t done our jobs, teenagers will rebel. What too many parents do not understand is there is almost always a reason for those bad moods as well. We need to get to the bottom of why the outbursts are becoming more and more frequent. Parents who withdraw during this time of their children’s’ life thinking what ever it is they are just going to have to work it out for themselves because they are adults now, can make or break the difference in the lives of their child.

“Our children need to know we trust them,” is the most ridiculous response we can give to rebellion.What they really need to know is they have a parent in their life who gives a damn if they do make a mistake. Many times they are going through the worse struggles of their lifetimes and there will never be any time in their lives that they will need their parents more than during this time. They need our ability to guide them when they are in doubt or do not have the capacity to work themselves out of the mess they may have gotten themselves into,still often after they leave home, but definitely while they are still at home.

We must make them know we are approachable and welcome them in our lives. If we offer both a refrigerator filled with Coke or Pepsi and a private place for them to gather they will many times make our homes their “crash Pads”(sorry that is an old 60’s phrase). Other times if we are up when they come home they many times will want to talk if they know we are accessible and we are playing the adult role expected of parents.

They all have friends what they really need are parents.I do understand the difficulty of getting them to talk, sometimes is like trying to have a conversation with a porcupine, but reaching out to them at this time in their lives will often spell the difference between success or failure in their lives.If we are ever going to be the grown ups it is never more important than this time of their lives.

If we are childish enough to call them names or go after them on attack they will be at their friends houses getting the advice, many times, that will be the last thing we want them to be getting. Like for instance,” have another beer or do you want a smoke before you leave?” Our children only bring their nicest friends around to meet us. Those that they know we will never approve of but who have the connections to the”good times” are the ones we never meet.

We parents need to reach out and offer understanding during the teen years as well as be on our toes full-time as to where they are hanging out and who they are spending time with. When we do find out we need to ask questions in regards to what their thoughts are in how they plan on handling a situation and ask them if we can offer a little imput to the situation. When we go in with all barrels drawn on the attack and stinging them with name calling we will never be part of this important time of their lives.

I repeat that both children and sometimes adults, become what we say they are. The more positive you/we are towards our/your children and wives the more positive they will be in return and it works the same with negativity. Call your daughters or wife a whore and they will often prove you correct, regardless of what age they are.For all of us adults who do not already know and understand this, many times it is the person who is having the affair that yells foul the fastest and the loudest.

If we refuse to grow up our children will do the same. They are faced with so many mixed emotions as in one way they cannot wait until they leave home and in another they wouldn’t mind being a child for a lifetime if we have been generous to them while they were growing up. We have already had our chance and now its time we be the grown up who guides the family through the storm. When we guide them through the toughest parts of adolescence and their young adult years so they become the people they were meant to be,it will be the best journey we ever take when the grandchildren are placed in our arms.

(If this subject matter sounds familiar it is because I have written on it several times in the past. I will continue doing so until I quit hearing Parents say,”What can we do? They are teenagers,” Next to the new-born stages they are the most important years of our child’s development, in my opinion. Good Luck and enjoy the humbling experience they teach us all.)

Read Full Post »

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

Read Full Post »

Too many of us fail to follow our own instincts when we know that something is not quite right or when something will work. If we would train ourselves, to trust our instincts, we would sometimes do better in life.

Our own instincts go into high alert when danger is near by. In many ways we are not that far removed from the wild, as animals are. Just as their ears perk and they stomp, when danger is near by, we also sense that same foreboding. Our hearts will race a little and we need to train our attention towards our surroundings and to go on high alert as well. We need to learn to trust and rely on our own instincts more than we do. Too many of us just dismiss them and go along willingly. It is often times a sense of fatalism on our parts that takes over and does make us give in. Many of us mistake the warning or alerts for,”I knew this was going to happen” and instead succumb to them.Other times we think I must just be dreaming or imagining things.

If it is not typical behavior for us to imagine things or to hear things then we need to trust those instincts, more clearly. We cannot live our lives on our instincts alone, although some do. We do need to mix in a little common sense. For instance if we live in the plains and have a fear of heights we do need to either determine if we are going to test our limits by getting over the fear or if we are just going to accept that our fear of heights is real and stay away from cliffs and mountain tops.

If everything makes us afraid then we do need professional help to sort out when our instincts are real or if we are suffering from Anxiety, an Obsessive compulsive disorder or Post traumatic Stress or some other affliction, and get the help we need, so that we can learn to trust our instincts better as well as enjoy life more. I stress if fear or anxiety, is not common behavior for us, then we need to trust our instincts for what they are telling us.

I have always imagined that if I faced a dangerous situation, I would just freeze up, and go along but with age comes more understanding of who we are and a little more sense of our own reactions to life,sometimes. Carrying a cane gives me a new sense of hope as to having a weapon. I now think I would be “hell on wheels” and pity the poor sucker that would try to take me and my cane on. I came to that conclusion when a mother and daughter were having a “knock down drag out fight.” and I came between them, only to find out later the mother always carries a knife. I am pleased to say that they were so shocked that a stranger would care, that they no longer hit each other, according to rumor. When I finished talking to them, they were apologizing and telling each other they were sorry.

We could prevent some of the muggings or rapes if we would learn to trust our instincts and how we react to stress. For those who have not heard yet:Never get in a car or vehicle and leave the area because our chances are much better of getting help if we remain in the area that we are in, as versus, being taken out to an isolated area where no one will hear our screams for help. A scream or a proper placed kick or resisting many times will scare off the attacker.However many are successful because they do use the element of surprise so we do need to check our backs as well.

When our instincts are on high alert we need to turn around and look behind us, as well as, look to both sides. If we run into a store or business when we feel this alert, or in the open where other people are, we may feel like we would embarrass ourselves but it is always better to do that than it is to not trust our own instincts.

Think of an excuse that you will use if you have to make a quick dodge into a business or store. We were feeling a little faint and could we sit for a moment, many times will do the trick.Other times people are coming and going to the point we may not even be noticed as being out-of-place. If we are in a neighborhood then turn and go up to an apartment building as if we live there and sometimes they will drive on by, if they have been stalking us for a while. Do not forget to pull out the phone and act like you are placing a call. Sometimes cell phones can make us less alert so make certain you are tuned in as you walk.Do remember though that most of the attacks will happen at night-time and make a schedule of taking a different route or going with a friend and do not walk if you can take transportation instead.

If I could take a quote from Dr. Phil,”The best judge of future behavior is past behavior.” If when we are dating someone we find something is not working or we are not communicating on the same level then we need to question ourselves. If we are ever abused by either name calling or they are expressing a great deal of anger by hitting windows or dashes or even ourselves,or throwing objects at us while breaking everything in the place, or they manipulate us by crying to get what they want from us when we know there simply is not money to buy it, then please know marriage will only make it worse. When two people learn to live together and share the same check book as well as the same hours and bed we take on stress in a relationship, through marriage, we do not relieve it. When we add children to it then it doubles.

If our instincts are telling us that this person is not just right somehow, then trust ourselves or trust that we are not right for them. It is easy to think that others are disturbed when in truth we ourselves are not always operating with,” a light on in the antic.”, ourself. Anytime anyone is using anger and aggression to control us or others over their common sense or judgment to show and give us respect, then the problem is us.When we give over control of our own life, instead of taking control of our life, we fail not only ourselves,but everyone else who cares about us.

Run, don’t walk away from this type of relationship. If our friends are telling us what we obviously refuse to see,we have a duty to ourselves, to trust them as well as our own instincts that are warning us, if we are trying to deny what our conscience already knows is the truth. If, on the other hand, our friends and family can not see what we know to be true and are telling us that it is just jitters or we are nuts because he/she are a nice person and come from a good family, and we know differently, then we need to listen to only ourself.

Just as instincts can warn us against danger our instincts can tell us when we are on the right path when solving a mystery,protecting our own safety, making a decision,or even investing in something we feel strongly will work. Many times the most successful amongst us are those who do rely on and do trust their instincts. What our instincts are telling us will not hold up in a Court of law,it does not offer proof to others, sometimes too often people will use it to speculate about others, but it like our conscience seldom fails us morally. So the next time our instincts tell us that the decision we are making is a right one or alarms are going off, remember,”Sometimes we just know what we know,” and learn to trust it. We can only empower ourselves by taking control of our own life. No one else can do it for us nor can we contol their lives, and expect positive results.

Read Full Post »

The challenge of starting over in life that many of us will be asked to do is always a little bit frightening until we do become settled. Many times it is not just our re-adjustment but that of our children as well. If we bring with our new start, “the same old garbage,” of the past then we can not just plan on it, but we can count on it, that we will be repeating the same mistakes that we made in the past.

If it is a new job and we were laid off in the past because the employees had no protection against layoffs then we will find ourselves in the same position again when the next downturn in the economy hits, if we can climb out of the current one. By eliminating the Unions as is happening, thanks to the efforts of the right-wing and the Tea Party candidates, we can be certain that the future of the employee will remain out of the hands of ourselves. Before the Unions there was no middle class. Just the poor and the wealthy and if they have their way, we will return to that.

Statistically, it is always the educated who have more input into what their next terms of employment will look like. Any education we can gain while unemployed always works in our own favor. If we are already educated then we must accept that the only thing available to any of us is going to sometimes mean a drastic cut in pay but the fact that we are educated gives us a better chance of beginning over than those who lack an education. People who apply themselves once they do get a job are often recognized for working below their potential and will rise accordingly in the Company. No good managerial staff will keep an over qualified person in the position when they can be better utilized else where in the Company.

Other times many of us have our own definition of what we feel we would be a success at and never had the courage or the time to try. Small business loans are clearing up a little since you last tried to appeal for one in some areas, so try again. If we do nothing to change our own circumstances then we can count on it, that nothing will happen. Sometimes new beginnings begin again in an entirely new location or region. We are as limited as our own imagination.

If the new beginning consists of relationships and we fail to look at our own mistakes or errors made, then we simply continue looking for the same kind of person who failed us previously and keep setting ourselves up to being mistreated again. On the other hand if we are the aggressor,adulterer, or just plain lazy then we need serious psychological help as to why it is that we keep defeating our own self in relationships.

The likelihood that we can change or we find change behind a glass of wine or a bottle of beer in a night club,bar or lounge is next to nil. Eyes do not meet across a table with a blaring band in the background and we behold the person that we have been waiting our whole life for. That happens in the mind of a romance novelist on a cloudy day somewhere in Manhattan or the burbs or in an isolated cabin in the woods.

When new beginnings are about new relationships or the fulfillment of a life long dream we need to depend on reality in a way that we have never done so in the past. The problem with on-line dating is anyone can agree with what we are saying and too many times we are trapped into the moment of,”Oh wow! We have so much in common. They like the same things that I like and so on and so forth. It might help if before you told them every thing about yourself that you ask them first who they admire and why,what they believe in and why, and if they depend on themselves or someone else first and any of the other character based questions, so that they do not have an opportunity to parrot your own beliefs or Character.

Meeting people in Church activities does not guarantee us that we are going to find someone who is as dedicated to their religion and the Church as we are as the word has been out for a while now that it is a good place to meet new men or new chicks. Even if the commitment is there too many fail to understand that being a Christian does not guarantee morality. Some times people who do attend are trying to clear a conscience that clearly needs to be cleared and are doing it without success.

We need to trust our own instincts and have a clear understanding of what makes us tick and what our own standards are. If people would get counseling before they dated instead of when they are ready to get a divorce they would be so much wiser. Too many times people will tell themselves that their standards are just too high and end up with real jerks time and time again. There are those who claim a nice guy just is not exciting enough without realizing that many times relationships like wine take time to age. It is when we give the nice guys a chance to develop that we do find the person we have been looking for all our life. We cannot fix anyone other than ourselves. We can only improve on what is already there.

Too many times men look for the most shallow of reasonings for their future mates. They like the personality of the woman who will speak out and stand up for herself, until they marry them and find out sometimes they are also a selfish bitch who is taking him for a ride or who has no wish to ever uphold her end of the bargain, but foolishly they lost touch of their male logic and allowed themselves to be rushed into a marriage. Other times they are looking for a woman who wears a size 3 and is a virgin and has no interests at shopping at the mall, and do not see the humor in that, that the rest of us see. Other times they do want the woman on their arm to be arm candy and look good and do not have a clue just how much that is going to cost them.

Other times and ladies beware, he is looking for an income large enough to support his dream of being a rock star. That interprets into this man is never going to support you. Other times men are looking for a woman he can control and then will complain that they cannot even communicate on any level beyond what her sisters and mother are doing.

When it comes to people, and we want them to care about us, we have to accept if they are obsessing over their own looks they are rarely going to put us second much less first. I do understand we all want people who wear deodorant and is pleasing to our sensibilities but the places most people are looking for them is not the most realistic places to meet, all the times. I do not suggest that we quit looking in those places so much as I do that we beware of what strikes are against us when we do meet there. Common sense should tell all of us if we meet in a location where it is easy for another person to know and parrot our own feelings,religious beliefs, or we are uninhibited due to that last drink, then we need to be that more alert of who we are meeting,before we invite them into our own space.

Sometimes starting over has nothing to do with replacing or meeting new relationships but we feel that we are losing control over our own ability to discipline,maintain, or become all we want to be, and like a ship “we feel a little lost at sea.” We have become Mrs. So and So or the Mom of So and So and we realize that we have or are close to losing our own identity. We need to discover, through a new beginning many times, when it was that we felt we did not matter as much as the rest of the family.

Other times we wake and discover that the life we dreamt about all our lives is not nearly as fulfilling as we thought it would be. We all do well to understand that many times the problem is not with or in the people that we are living with but instead something that we missed out on in ourselves. We can leave and destroy all that is and was sacred to us but ultimately we solve nothing because the problem is in ourselves. We need to get the help to find out what makes us tick.

Just praying does not always bring us answers, although I am a big supporter of prayer, sometimes we need to find that person who does work with us on a professional level and helps us understand ourselves better. Well intentioned friends are always going to give us a way out and too many times that is what we are looking for. A professional will not let us excuse ourselves. If we are fortunate to have a friend who will not let us b.s. ourselves and short of funds then sometimes that will work as well. Men and women alike, often feel that they are doing nothing they ever wanted to do or are locked in a place that they can’t get out and will turn to alcohol and or other women and men because their wives or husbands do not understand them.

Do our family the favor of getting help before we do something so stupid or rash, since way too many men and women do find when we do get help we already had everything we wanted but were too foolish or stupid to know it. Many times we let our own pride or insecurities lead to hearing things that were not said and having hurt feelings as well as all the other issues that go along with living with the same person for so long, really get misconstrued. Do not spend the rest of our lives grieving the loss that we create during a moment of temporary emotions gone astray. Many times our family are more than willing to help out and offer us the breaks we need or listen to us but it is we ,ourselves, who are shutting them out. More times than not, we do find that we had all the support we ever needed but refused to see it. New beginnings are about getting rid of yesterday’s garbage and finding we are not all that bad of a person to spend time with nor are those we did our best to try to drive away.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: