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Archive for the ‘appreciation’ Category

When disability becomes a part of our life as children we often see much in the make-up of the child who fights for a normal ability to function, we admire.  Parents who refuse to let their children feel sorry for themselves or to give up and quit are often Blessed with the results of an adult who lives a normal life and succeeds beyond the ability of many able-bodied adults.

Without knowing Matt Roloff, personally, I have no doubts that this Blessing was bestowed on Matt  as a child and his family.  When Matt struggled through a hundred surgeries as a child and a “little Person”, to fit into a “Big World” he not only showed himself and his family he could excel but we also became accustomed to watching him on reality television, do the same.

What Matt is now dealing with as an older adult is entirely different from what he dealt with as a child and as a disabled adult myself, I can almost feel his frustrations and doubts interfering with his enjoyment and expectations for himself in his life. Although Matt needs to re-invent his own abilities again, not too unlike he did as a child, it no longer is instinctual in an older adult the same way it is a child. After having spent years fighting against the idea he was disabled it must be just that more difficult for Matt to acknowledge that he now is disabled and nothing will change that fact, not even denial.

it is not always the disabled person who remains in denial but our loved ones who refuse to show us the respect we deserve in knowing our own abilities and limitations, who also go into denial. Too often we are treated as though we cannot make a decision for ourselves without it becoming a matter of family debate. There are emotional limitations involved in disability as to what we want to share with others along with the physical limitations. Many of us have become accustomed to hiding our feelings when they have been hurt by outside influences or attitudes, because we do not want family to worry. On some days of the year we can do more than on other days, and a great many families cannot appreciate the difference as those of us who are disabled can.

It is always a real rush for me to go into a casino over feeling like I am on display in other arenas so of course the release of endorphins or the thrill of being as normal as anyone else when I am sitting at a slot machine does improve my ability to get around over doing something that otherwise I know I can never fit in with or compete with, without feeling like a sore thumb.

On the opposite end of the spectrum of disability,too often we are viewed as the strong one, mom or dad will always be there for us, or family has become accustomed to our making the decisions and it becomes extremely frustrating when they go into denial about our disability and refuse to listen when we do try to level with them. Others will shut us out of their lives entirely as they view us as being incapable of handling the truth if it is bad news.

So in short, it is not uncommon when the disabled are both disregarded for their abilities when they are capable of doing more or understanding what others are going through, just as we are often ignored when we do require help. Both can be exhausting to those of us who are often disabled to have to constantly explain or deal with, so many times it is simply easier to avoid those venues that seemingly require repeating the same information over and over again, up to and including Doctors’ offices.

Too often families, not unlike the general population,  will believe that disabled people are faking to get out of work or family involvement because if disabled children can turn disability into ability then so should adults be able to do the same.  As a young person afflicted in early adulthood with a disease, more commonly seen in older adults, I too believed that disability was only a part of the vocabulary of people who refused to try.

There are two kinds of spinal stenosis. Congenital stenosis, although rare most commonly shows up in ages between 30 and 40 and still is a mystery and relatively unknown, but is seen in individuals who are born with it and even minimal changes from aging can lead to severe spinal stenosis. I was 32 when I first experienced pain from stenosis. It can never be predicted or prevented and is seen in all body types and often goes misdiagnosed. Acquired stenosis is more commonly seen in 60 year olds and due to disc herniation’s and wear and tear of the aging process. Although disc herniation can lead to spinal stenosis at varying ages. My mother had Scoliosis as a child and there have been studies that do show birth defects of the spine can present themselves in off spring.

Although I agree with you, that there needs to be a special place for those who judge our pain as nothing more than ,”punishment from Satan”, This opinion should never deter us from seeking out options available to us. When I heard, ” What was a sincere expression told me and I could spare my pain by praying for my soul to be taken from the devil,” I must  have had a look on my face that no one ever wanted to see again, as the same person never expressed it to me again even though she sincerely thought she was helping me. We often hear, “Such and such was in real pain. She/he got paid back for everything they ever did wrong.”

I do believe in the power of prayer but not because people who suffer chronic pain suffer, because we lived such bad lives that the Devil has set up residence in our souls.  It’s hard for me to even understand that Christians could even think such a thing since Christ suffered much more than we do, through Crucifixion. Pain does not come from bad deeds but rather from disorders in all of our own bodies brought on by injury or disease.

We must always discount the theory that pain is as a result of Satan’s  punishment for obvious reasons to most of us but also since we already know that finding is based on ignorance. ” Bad things do happen to good people,” and when we accept that as our own reality we can move on.

Many in the medical profession believe that there is no physical pain but only pain due to emotional pain.  In short all physical pain exists only because of unresolved emotions and these doctors understand we do feel physical pain, because of this. None of us can deny that pain and emotional upset are greatly intertwined but those who accept the above need to be aware of the problems that arise when they try to simplify pain and those who suffer when they do.

Many times patients will be accused of being hypersensitive to pain, malingering, or worse yet, blamed for being responsible for their own pain even when medical tests show numerous causes present as to why a person is suffering, before a Medically trained Doctor will acknowledge their own limitations to understanding pain. When hindsight shows that the testing results showed the problem but was miss-read or went undiscovered by the abilities present at the time, we will rarely be told the same or will it always become a matter of our medical record, if it does happen.

Why some people do not feel pain or can tolerate pain better than the next has sometimes simply been dismissed for the above reasons of hypersensitivity, malingering, or self-induced by those who do feel a great deal more pain and discomfort.As medicine learns more many times it also learns the frailty in previously long held beliefs in medicine. When Doctors refuse to leave their own egos out of a diagnoses the results often makes these diagnosis, incomplete or in some cases dangerous.

It is often too simple to place the blame for pain on an inadequacy within the behavior or weight of the patient. If every person who was over-weight or smoked were responsible for every disorder that exists in medicine, then we would all eventually have the same diseases and disorders because we would all be afflicted as smokers or in association to second hand smoke. Why some are afflicted and others aren’t still remains a mystery in medicine.

None of us deny that to quit smoking and to lose weight are both sound advice in the principles of the treatment of pain but to discount the ability to burn calories or that weight lost often requires complete fasting in those whose movement is limited and the soothing effects of smoking to calm the nerves in people who do suffer pain, is also often overlooked by those who are too quick to dismiss their own role in the treatment of the patient.

Too often the stability of the patient living in pain is dismissed by the urgency of those to add more discomfort through cessation of smoking and weight lost, by those who refuse to understand that underlying causes for the continuation of pain are present to the point when the patient can do both, the suffering does not cease.

In many cases pain can actually increase due to muscle spasms after the cessation of smoking and flu-like symptoms. When a patient does lose as much as a 100 pounds and feels little to no relief in pain, lost of hope or feelings of abject failure in the patient who does struggle to accept society’s’ judgments and lack of understanding along with that of the medical profession, itself, can often occur.

When drugs are introduced to replace the effects smoking had to relax muscles and pain, or when marijuana is denied for religious reasons, many times the drugs introduced as replacements, can be equally destructive through the damage they cause with increased problems that add to further discomforts. Doctors have known for years that both cortisone and narcotics can lead to kidney and liver failure, onset diabetes, as well as other pain treatments can cause cancer, but not all Doctors do advise their patients of the side effects prior to giving injections or the starting of treatment.

Many times when this does happen our complaints go dismissed as being normal for the drug we are taking, and in other cases denied, while other times another drug is simply added to compensate for the discomfort being caused by other prescribed drugs, when a patient is successful in stopping smoking. Perhaps in knowing this then, we ourselves can learn to be more tolerate, in knowing those who suffer from chronic pain often need to consider just how much of their health or life is being spared by treatment for pain, especially when the effectiveness of narcotics do wear off and often requires heavier doses in order to gain relief.

Other times because of the lack of understanding by many in the medical profession when it does come to drug re-actions or inter-actions patients health can become life threatening very rapidly. Too often, we the general public will accept a cocktail of drugs to relieve pain without questioning the harmful effects of the drugs when we do quit smoking, believing in doing so we are prolonging our own life but in truth we can be limiting it even further.

It often becomes true when in an attempt to treat one system of the body we often worsen or increase symptoms in another system of the body, that does require treatment as well, so there are really never any easy solutions for those of us who do suffer chronic pain when surgery fails or becomes too complicated to attempt. It is an equally frustrating choice for many Doctors to have to make, but almost all will tell us they prefer the drugs they prescribe over that of smoking either cigarettes or marijuana.

When the pain is so great that many of us are totally over-whelmed with living another hour of the same discomfort the great majority of us will need to take almost anything to get relief and suffer the consequences later, no differently from anyone else who is not seeking martyrdom. When this happens we are all very grateful that any drugs are available to treat pain that breaks the threshold that many of us cannot stand to live with for another moment.

Those who have not been exposed to smoking or do not have weight problem histories during pregnancy or childhood or later in life have no better guarantee of avoiding disability or death than those who do. Many of us, who have never learned to question test results or Doctors, and suffer chronic pain know ourselves, we will almost always accept the Doctors’ diagnoses and question ourselves instead.

When we are told, “it is our own fault”, it is not uncommon for those amongst us, who do receive poor medical opinion, to add to our own physical pain which also can be due to other yet undiagnosed problems such as: circulation problems, infections, joint deterioration, muscle or ligament tears, irritations, undiscovered poisonings and viruses, swelling due to inflammations or compromised nerves, or other injuries, when we haven’t yet been fully evaluated or there are causes yet hidden in normal testing or unknown by the medical profession, itself.

By believing it is our own fault we too many times will add to our own suffering by pushing ourselves beyond our own tolerance levels, go into denial when we do feel changes more severe taking place, and ultimately increase the pain already present and cause further damage to our own bodies or in other cases fall into a depression so great that emotional or mental problems do become greater than the physical pain that existed prior to the diagnoses of it being, “our own fault.”

When any of this does happen we do end up proving the wrong diagnoses made previously to be a correct diagnosis, because sometimes it is an easier explanation to accept. It is easier for some of us to believe that we can prevent our own disability since it is our own fault than it is to accept that we will live with the unknown and with an unknown cause that we have no control over.

When we and our Doctor refuse to understand there are many causes of pain yet undiscovered by medicine, just as there are many disorders yet diagnosed, we all run the risk of further suffering. Just as an example of that; the medical profession blamed ulcers on people who worried too much for centuries, before they discovered that ulcers are as a result of viruses and not of emotions.

Although there are many diseases that disable going back to the cavemen, when life expectancy was only 40 and before couch potatoes, obesity, and junk food, mankind was wearing out their own bodies and it often led to arthritis. Arthritis today is still the number one cause of disability amongst the population and can effect those as young as in their teen years. The remains of the caveman shows arthritis as the only disease present as the cavemen or the hunters would often need to travel miles in pursuit of game and berries that constituted their main diet and carry heavy loads often on their backs.

To relieve pain they chewed on tree bark and it would not be until the 1800’s that aspirin would be discovered followed by steroids in the 1930’s, which was then thought of as the real panacea to treat inflammation caused by joint deterioration. In the 1950’s and 1960’s Tylenol and n-saids were introduced to treat fevers and pain followed by the cox-2 inhibitors. Pharmaceutical companies continue to try to come up with drugs to re-place those that can be life threatening and each time new hope abounds with limited results.

Poke a perfectly happy baby, who has no emotional baggage, with a needle and they will cry. We can use the same analogy when a dog is kicked or we accidently step on their tail or foot and they yelp, even though dogs rarely show they are in pain. Pain can more often be as a result of real physical pain prior to emotional upset or mood changes and until the medical profession understands pain better people will continue to suffer despite all the advances already made in the Science of medicine.

Too little is known about the human body and especially the central nervous system for the medical profession to be 100% correct in many of their diagnoses and especially in all cases of physical pain, even though they know all pain is transmitted through neurons that run to and from the brain. Pain can neither be seen or measured by the medical profession to date.

Once we accept to be labeled by a diagnosis is a serious flaw in the convictions of those who do judge, for too many amongst us, the sooner we will all understand those who do think as they do and must make a diagnosis on limited knowledge, can sometimes help hinder our own ability to move outside of what is normal for the majority rule as well. The more Doctors do understand about the differences in the make up of each individual person they treat, the more they will no longer need to use generalities or statistics to reach diagnosis.

For now Doctors can only reach a diagnosis based on their best educated belief or guess and hold that belief to be true for all of us, in the exact same way.  Medicine is leap years away yet from individual diagnosis becoming our reality, since no two people’s bodies behave identical to each other’s, much in the same way no one shares the exact same DNA.  Not even identical twins will respond to treatment in the exact same way. For now they can only apply what they know to be true about majority views to all of us. 

The study of medicine is making greater in-roads into discoveries of the human body almost monthly and in the study of genes science offers greater hope to all of us that very well may lead to individual diagnosis and new hope for treatment of disease. I do not want to mislead my readers into believing that medicine does not already have far greater knowledge than it has ever had at any other time in history, but rather to make it clear that as far as medicine has advanced there is still much yet to discover. At the same time The diagnosis now held by some Doctors does carry weight in some people and medical cases but to attempt to simplify all pain by brushing all of us with the same brush, is to discount the causes of pain that are yet unknown.

As is typical  for the great majority of us, we usually fail to understand the differences amongst us, until and unless we experience those differences through the experience of living them.  We often hear people complain about handicapped parking and ramps being built, at tax payer’s expense, even though able-bodied people use them for baby strollers, walk ways, or their own conveniences of loading and unloading heavy items, without the majority of people even noticing the same.

Unless we are truly disabled by paralysis too few people understand or want to understand that pain can often be a greater deterrent to understanding the lost of normal functions, than is paralysis. The paralyzed are accepted by others to be limited in what they can do, and they too often suffer pain but they many times will get much greater help, attention, and understanding that is required for their needs while the same goes lacking in chronic pain sufferers. This is not to say their limitations aren’t far greater than most of us who do suffer from chronic pain, as we all will acknowledge.

Chronic pain sufferers, on the other hand, are expected to force themselves against or through the physical pain that even their own bodies resist, often without any understanding or help from those who fail to notice our plight or refuse to believe it. The pain levels vary amongst the disabled according to the ability to tolerate pain varies, and their responses to drugs vary, so no one should know better than the person who suffers pain what those abilities or limitations are, including the medical profession as well as our loved ones. We do need to force ourselves through acute pain that often follows joint replacements or  will be relieved following surgery, according to the advice of the medical profession but chronic pain that cannot be treated is different from acute pain that will remit with treatment and time.

When across the counter medicine like Tylenol, Alieve, Anacin, Motrin, or Aspirin treats the pain in many, then too many feel these pills can also treat the pain that is part of a normal day in those disabled by chronic pain. As we age the body also ages and when assaulted with surgeries, torn ligaments, many different kinds of injury, or simply over worked in our youth, the body quits functioning as we age and what we once could do or what is normal in the rest of the population, who neither experienced these assaults to the body or inherited genetics for the diseases, becomes more prevalent in those of us who did.

Aging of the joints and tissue scarring or injury catches up to us, as we get older, and  prevents people from functioning normally through pain that is no longer eradicated with across the counter drugs or our body becomes numb and stiff until it becomes impossible to move past the stiffness unless we do use aids such as canes or crutches to assist us until the muscles finally get the message from the brain to move again.  It is no longer as it was in childhood when the joints could learn to adjust to what was normal for untrained joints or muscles. The majority of people do understand this happens in the older generations but few understand that it also occurs in the younger generations, Doctors included in too many cases.

When the body is still young enough to with-stand the assault of  diseases or injuries there are still adjustments that can be made to forgiving muscles and joints that become impossible for the older body to do.  Too few Doctors will treat pain effectively in the younger people who suffer from chronic pain so many people do function beyond what would be pain too great for the majority to bear, themselves. It is too easy for those who have no idea of the pain levels that are present in the young to judge those who have not lived a life in pain, to adjust on the same levels as those who have. When we are young we can stand just about anything in our efforts to form normal day to day’s functions.

Sadly after all these years, there still is not very much of anything that is effective towards pain treatment other than narcotics whose addiction to the same can destroy our life sometimes greater than the pain itself, can. What I see Matt Roloff struggling with in his ability to keep up with the family or upset because the family doesn’t want to do the things he can do, is a very normal part of the frustrations that those of us who deal in disability eventually, some sooner than later, will have to deal with when we do accept disability.  Even Doctors who have seen the damage with the MRI of each of us will suggest that we get down on the floor and play with our children or grandchildren when they should know both are humanly impossible in the disabled.

Disability due to pain, when we view it as a new adventure instead of an end to a way of life, can bring all of us a greater appreciation to explore new avenues that were not even part of our thinking before.  It certainly, when viewed through the eyes of positive thinking, should bring with it a new hope of self-discovery and appreciation.  If we need help we will need to humble ourselves and ask for it.  This definitely isn’t the habit of many of us before we became disabled as too many of us have actually helped wear out our own bodies by insisting we do it ourselves.

Many times through asking another for help  we truly do learn to appreciate someone else more than we would have otherwise.  I see that appreciation in the hearts and minds of so many disabled people, myself included, when we view the world through the eyes of the disabled. On the other hand we cannot become so helpless that we leave the people who love us most feeling like they are real Pollyanna’s either, by insisting they give up their abilities and wants for our own needs and wants.

This is not to say, it can also take years of trial and error to get through the bitterness that we often feel when we are forced into letting go of what has been our dreams, plans, and hopes for decades, either. This often effects our loved ones as much as it does us and as a disabled person we need to listen to them when they express their needs and wants as well, without feeling hurt when they share their honesty with us. The more negative we are or the more negative or toxic people are who we surround ourselves with, the more difficult it can become following acceptance of disability.

The judgments of others and not being heard by those who need to listen are many times much harder to deal with than is the physical pain that does exist. Some of us can be the greatest pains our self, along with being extremely difficult people who others will have to deal with and when and if we are, professional help needs to be sought out by both the disabled and caregivers as too many care givers will take the bad moods often caused by pain, frustrations, and/or drugs more personally than they are intended to be, from the chronic pain sufferers amongst us.

What I discovered totally on my own is I could do much of what I had done before but by doing it differently.  When I could no longer stand for any length of time I used a portable light weight stool that I could carry myself; when I could no longer run distances I got a power chair, that could go at pretty good speeds and a custom van with a lift and one I could drive, myself; when I could no longer walk very far I got a scooter that could be broken down and was fortunate enough to know I had a husband with me that would put it together so I could at least do some things I enjoyed doing from the past, yet.

I got a 4 inch piece of foam rubber cut when no bed was any longer comfortable to lay down in and when I could no longer lay down to sleep at night, I began taking my comfortable chair from home with me along with the 4 inch foam rubber pad, when we were planning on extended stays in the same area. If we do not have back problems before we try to sleep in a hospital like bed, the majority of us will have after we do, so I forgot about getting a hospital-like bed. I had,”been there and done that,” with early hospitalizations and since with minor surgeries and know from experience just how uncomfortable these beds are to people who do have back problems. I also avoid lazy boys knowing full well the damage they do to a spine at rest. Maintaining the curve in our spines for as long as possible is always important and it is often lost when we spend time in a lazy boy. An upright chair, such as a wing chair and foot stool is always preferable.

When I could no longer stand up to shower I got a shower stool and a hand held shower head and when that became obsolete, I had a walk-in tub and spa put in. I thought ahead to my possible inability to step up into the walk-in tub and if I ever needed to rely entirely on the wheel chair, I would need a wheel-in-shower installed, so I had that put in with the walk-in-tub.

If I may, I will get off track for a moment and offer my own response to those who have pre-conceived ideas against the disabled and in regard to your money paid out in taxes going to benefit the disabled. Not all of us do file workmen’s compensation claims or hire lawyers in an effort to get something for nothing. Many of us are as repulsed, as you are, when it comes to “ambulance chasers”.

Disability payments are not filed on our behalf or by many of us whose spouse’s income is above what entitles people to file for the same, but I do appreciate the need of the people who require help to be able to do so. In cases where the main bread winner is disabled or the income barely stretches to maintain a family, which is almost always, the need for worker’s compensation or disability claims do become the difference between a roof over our heads or living on the Streets no differently from those who qualify.

Unlike popular belief, none of what I was able to do to maintain my own independence is provided for by the government or the tax-payers for the needs of the disabled. Without private insurance that pays for some small amounts of this, or our own funds, many people who can take care of their own needs but do not have the funds,have been left dependent on the mercy of others, when it would be so much cheaper to allow people with disabilities independence through government subsidies and to live in their own homes. Obama care can help but even it does not go far enough. Many older people do have good mental responses well into their 90’s, yet.

Private Insurance will pay for a small amount of these needs where as Medicare won’t pay for a disabled person to remain independent,which makes no sense at all as these are often greater needs of the elderly than the young, in the majority of the cases.

The money that we have paid into Social Security would stretch much further, if people in general, did not view people with physical disabilities as being incapable of living alone and instead analyzed our ability or lack of ability to reason and make rational decisions for ourselves, on individual bases.

Many disabled people are very capable of living in our own homes and making decisions for ourselves. Hiring a little help from home help services, which Medicare does pay for, will often take care of the needs of independent disabled people. I gained new appreciation for the needs of the poor, who do not have the same advantage of funds as I had. I know the poor who neither splurged with funds they never had or were given the same advantages I had, needs all of us.

Returning back, before I digressed off of the subject I was on, when I was still a young adult and in total confusion from primarily misdiagnosis, I began a journey to find other family members who suffered as I was suffering.  In doing so I discovered that the personality that drove me to over-use my own body was prevalent in the family history I was born into.  I also discovered many misdiagnosis in my father’s family that were made prior to the MRI when it came to stenosis of the spine being present, whether they ever smoked or not.

Since it isn’t an interest of many young people, even I became amazed that it would be part of my make-up to want to discover the roots of previous generations.  I spent a number of years doing the ancestry of both mind and my husbands families. In doing so, it led to a love of research, history, politics, and antiques that had always been present in my interests but not developed further by me.  I found I enjoyed oil painting, even though I could not draw.  I did my own research on stocks until I realized that the stock market is primarily the territory of large investors, who even though it goes denied, do get insider trading tips.  I finally had the time to become an avid reader, which was something I never had time for before my life became more limited.  Writing has always been more the natural calling of my children over my own, so I was surprised when I too enjoyed writing.

The capabilities that exist in all of us, that often go unfounded in us, are available for the doing once we do understand what does makes us the person we are. The list of what we can do with disability is only limited by our own lack of imagination, when we finally do accept just how healthy change is to all of us and our own personal growth. Too many able-bodied people never do take the time to learn or to gain the same knowledge for themselves, that we are fortunate enough to learn because of disability.

I finally accepted that no one on a white horse or wearing a white coat would ride by and discover a cure or effective treatment and in knowing this through both false hope and false starts, I knew if I was going to find personal satisfaction as my body failed me, I needed to take control over my own cure.  The pain did not go away but instead of fighting against the pain by refusing to give up the normalcy of what had been my life I was able to lessen the pain by doing less to aggravate the same through living a different lifestyle. When I got together with able-bodied people who I was never going to be able to keep up with or fit into their conversation or activities, it would be my own responsibility to deal with the same. I did, just as an alcoholic must. I found it necessary to draw on my own courage to remain my own best friend rather than to be reminded by others the lack of my own capabilities. It was not fair of me to limit their activities anymore than it was fair of them to insist I join theirs’

It didn’t mean I couldn’t still travel and see my kids and grandkids and have family gatherings but it did mean I could ill afford to expect them to understand feelings that I would never have had if I had not experienced disability myself.

I still have moments I feel sorry for myself and feel others can be extremely insensitive and feel it the most the more time I spend around able-bodied people, but hopefully through the joy of being able to live another brand new life of challenges and adventures, I do not drag my loved ones down with me.

I still feel moments of resentment that very little is available to treat pain in a disease that has existed through out the ages and in my own failure to understand that the human body is not indestructible. Having grown up with a father who had back problems and watching him to continue to work hard, little did I know that inherited family disorders often show up in the next generation earlier than it does in the previous generation. At the same time the years of not knowing were the most difficult so I am grateful that I do have an easily diagnosable disability.

Resentment perhaps is the emotion I struggle with the most and I’m sure will battle until I die. I have been Blessed by a wonderfully independent family who help out as needed and ask nothing beyond what I want to give or can do. I unlike so many others am very fortunate in having a family who does deal with the stark honesty I often require, as well as the support I gain from their own independence.

For Amy and Matt Roloff, whom I’m sure have already learned the same, but simply need reminders, and others who are still struggling yet to understand the positive of life following disability, I can assure all of you that we need never to lose hope as we progress ahead with that which changes our lives, or our significant others, or marriage, be it disease or injury. The value of the Roloff marriage just as our commitments’ to loved ones and what commitment really means is just starting, at the point that a loved one along with all of us are forced to accept disability into our lives.

When we can understand after disability the major needs and wants of each person in our marriage or our lives must change, because we want our relationships or marriage to last, and we can respect the rights of all people involved, through genuine compassion we do find the Blessings of having fought for our lives on equal grounds with empathy for our loved ones, is the greatest accomplishment we can ever do, for another. Their are no losers in unconditional love when we all feel we are respected.

The day we get married is not the best day of our lives but rather the day our marriage can last through thick and thin and whatever we get hit with, and we know, “It’s the two of us together who made it, is what matters.” does become the greatest day of our lives. Divorce does not only mean giving up our futures but it also means giving up our past, and nothing is greater than the day we realize how truly Blessed we were to have found each other.

Since divorce rates sky rocket when one in a marriage gets sick or disabled while the other is well and able bodied, we must go into it knowing that disability is not for sissies or quitters. Its a hard road to follow for all people who do care as it changes all of us. It is the day, we know we made it, that the real fireworks goes off. Disability means letting go of old hurts, denial, and grudges with maturity and compromise, compromise and then compromise again, on not just our part but on the part of our loved ones as well. When we fail to forgive we never receive forgiveness in return. Like any relationship, it will never last if one remains nasty while the other remains committed.

As long as we who are disabled look for what is good in our own lives many of us will feel an abundance of possibilities surround us and we never need compare our lives to others nor do we ever have to let go of the fact;  we have tomorrows of all kinds of opportunity and new adventures that we had never before imagined we would enjoy doing, greater from what we had been doing. Let those possibilities begin in all of us today and give them a fair balance with what we believed we wanted, prior to disability.

When we finish our journey and put fear of the unknown behind us, we all can realize what others say or think is only to be pitied as no one will ever know the value of our own strengths more so than we do. While the able-bodied question their own weaknesses we have already,” been there and done that,” and no one need to know the value we place on our own strengths, other than through our smiles, compassion, and understanding we show them. We better than most, as disabled people, must know that getting even can never be part of our behavior or design if we are to find the happiness, all people seek.

No one but ourselves can ever be held responsible for our own unhappiness or happiness unless we wish to remain in a life of misery. There are people who can only be happy if they are miserable and we need to recognize them, if they are a part of our lives. Some people do want a life of sympathy and actually live longer when they get it,but that more than most attitudes, can lead to defeat, in all of us. We do need to know, more than most, the difference between those who want our help because they want to change or are confused, and those who we must let go of because they only want to control us. Just like the alcoholic needs to sometimes distant themselves from the drinkers in their lives in order to give up alcohol, so must we learn to distant ourselves from the opinions of those who wish to “rain on our parade” with constant complaints, restraints, and negativity. We can only make our own lives count by being present in our own life with recognition of our own capabilities and those of our loved ones who have stayed with us. Many times when we do, it will count far beyond all of our own individual expectations!

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When was the last time or have we ever taken a hard look at ourselves?  Many felt that candidate Mitt Romney defeated himself in the election because we really did not know the person, Mitt Romney, when his conversations in private were opposite of his public conversation. The young Tea Party members are expressing the fact that they need to be more inclusive of all Americans and talk about it.  Does conversation on a level of rhetoric convince any of us when the actions through their votes deny the same? When Congress holds the middle class hostage as they have for thirty years, in order to make certain the wealthy gain instead, will we believe that they care about all Americans?

Isn’t this true about many of us, in that our conversations are many times opposite of our actions? How inclusive are we in our actions?  When I first moved into the Rural areas or took a new job, and I still find it to be true, many of the people I met were so busy asking me questions about myself, while they failed to tell me much of anything about who they were or are.

When couples meet for the first time many times women will tell men much more about themselves than what men will tell about themselves. Many time a majority of men will talk about what jobs they are studying for or hope to get or they hold,hiking,sports,hunting,fishing,women,working out,or any other subject that does not reveal themselves long before they will reveal personal information about themselves.

In the heading about myself on this blog I reveal nothing about myself but state I prefer to let others define me because in writing anything, we will reveal ourselves.  Too often people will go into denial about the person they feel  they are before they will take an honest look at themselves. Many times if we ask what their belief or philosophies are on important issues of the day, we will many times get back a blank stare before we will get an answer.   Other times we hear, “I really am not interested in that,” “that kind of stuff just makes my mind go numb,” or “I haven’t got a clue about what you are talking about.”  Too many people fail to realize that we should at very least take time out to reflect or know our own philosophy on life in order to understand the person that we truly are and embrace.

If we fail to understand our own belief system and the triggers in our own life, that makes us understand why we react to the outside stimulus of life the way we do, then we too many times will spend a lifetime judging others according to standards we do not practice in our own lives.  Many times we will live beyond our means and makes excuses as to why we do or look down our noses at those who do with less and find much more happiness in life than we do.  Having the courage to look at ourselves on an honest level of really knowing and embracing the person who lives inside of us is what makes us find the joy that we seek.

When our own behavior defies the reality of the person that we are, we leave others feeling as though we are a misguided individual, or brain washed by Society or other people’s philosophy, while we have no clue as to what it is that we truly do embrace.  The 2010 election was a perfect example as to how quickly what we knew about our President Barack Obama, could be turned on lies both against him and against Obama care.  It took too many to finally realize that is was not our President who changed his commitments to us but the lies that we accepted as truth, that turn our views on him.  In the end he won because we recognized that his words matched his actions and as a leader he would fight for our rights.

When we fail to know ourselves then we too many times can be led in life by people who prey on our vulnerability. If we have to ask,”Why am I always attracted to people who are not good for me?” then it is time we discover for ourselves why we have to ask,”Why are we always attracted to the same and what are the triggers in me that makes me continually repeat the same mistakes?” Our friends will make excuses for us and so will our family say things such as,”You are just to kind or trustworthy”, or other answers that actually make us feel better about being attracted to those who prey on us.” When we do not get an honest answer but buy into what others tell us, we keep repeating the same mistakes.

When we learn more about ourselves we often find that we have an irrational need to be needed,or to be made whole by someone else,or there is an insecurity in ourselves that can only be made to feel better by attracting or gathering those who we feel are inferior to us.  When we believe we are better than those who we attract too many times we feed our own false ego in the process. The difference between confident people and insecure people is: that those who do know themselves understand their own weaknesses and strengths and their lives indicate that they live according to their own philosophy of self, over that which has been defined by others.  When I tell my readers that I would rather be defined by others, it is because I am confident in the person that I am and yet aware enough that even with that, people will define me anyway.

It is when we can change and alter our actions according to the words that we speak that we do become the person we want to be.  We do not have one set of standards for ourselves, while holding another set of standards for the clique’s,or the job that we work or the group that we hang with during our free time. When we are true to ourselves then we are true to others as well.

Many times in life we are given tests, or run into road blocks in life, or even marry people that we had no business of marrying.  If we do not reflect on ourselves and what our own tolerances or rejections in life are all about, then too often we will go into denial about the person we are.  We need a clarity of why we react and why we need to fill an emptiness in ourselves with that which is bad for us.  If we do not understand ourselves It will exhibit itself in all kinds of judgement calls against others,acceptance of what we intellectually know and understand to be destructive but we will choose it anyway, and leave us in a state of confusion to the point that we can be led by undesirables.

We heard the word hypocrisy expressed many times during the election year because we did not feel that the candidates spoke on the truth of their own lives and how they have voted or spoken in the past. Too many times the candidates had one set of rules for others while having another set for us, when their own actions betrayed their own words.

When people criticize those who have affairs and gossip about it around the coolers or our coffee table, it is not all that unusual that they themselves have had affairs or will have in the future.  Many times the idea of the same has been entertained, at least in their minds, and by downgrading others that have had affairs, they often feel safe in the words that they speak. This is true about many other things that we tear apart in others as we too often fear,”But for the Grace of God there go I.”

Many of us can and do find hypocrisy in people who will malign others regardless of the conversation because we do know and understand our own strengths and weaknesses, and find gossip such a waste of the precious time each of us are allotted in life.  I personally am bored by such talk because I want to know you and what is your banner that you promote and stand for, or will fight for, and what it is about you that is special.

Each of us,regardless of what others think about us,will find that we are uniquely an individual that is special in an area of expertise that makes us the way we are.  We will also often discover that much of what made us think we knew better than others, is our weak point.  When we know ourselves we leave behind so much of the waste and the distractions that separates us from the joy,that we feel in knowing we are our own person and much stronger and competent that we believed ourselves to be in some cases and in other cases we find a total humbling experience.

Either way it is in knowing ourselves we will not only do what is best for us but we will also do what is best for everyone else as well.  When our actions match our words we do not tolerate bigots nor do we reject the equal rights of others but instead we become more inclusive of the understanding that we are all working towards the same goals in our lives.  Happiness often comes at a price and if we do not seek it through hard work and honesty of self, we often find that we fail it instead of it failing us.

I wish all of us a clarity of self this Holiday Season because we do know and understand that our limits range from the amount we can afford to spend on gifts to the amount of triggers in us that causes us to be upset by other’s rude behavior and words.  It is not wrong to discover sometimes, that it is time to throw the bums out of our lives, and to embrace the Independence in ourselves that makes all of us strong enough to carry the crosses we are asked to bear.  We must understand at the same time, there are triggers in us that causes bad reactions in others and work towards changing those triggers in ourselves, as well.May we all have a Blessed Holiday Season and a Happy New Year!

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Too often I have heard throughout my lifetime, “It is not fair,” or “someone should do something about it,”or similar statements. We all know people who face the most tragic life’s lessons and still keep moving on without ever giving up, but too many of us refuse to accept or acknowledge the fact that there are others who suffer much worse hardships from our own.

There are those who believe,” that they need to do nothing to help others because they already get enough help” or “such and such is lucky” or “never had a problem in their lives.”  It has also been my experience that people who believe this are the first to react the most poorly when they chip a nail or break a heel off of their shoe or their car gets scratched or their tie begins to unravel.

The people who really learn the importance that we place on things is pretty shallow,are those who will be humbled in some way by life and learn from the experience when they do. It isn’t always fair and the suffering is often very real, but it is how we accept or deal with the tragedies of life, that is the real test of mankind.  We can always rebuild things and many times re-heal bodies but if we give up or curse others,the price we pay can and will lead to defeat. Even when we exhaust all possibilities there does come the day that we must accept our own limitations and embrace the factors that make us the person we are, the person we accept. Often times in life we are presented with  re-inventing a new way to live life to its best abilities without making comparisons in life.

I certainly am not suggesting that we do not grieve an important lost of a  home,job,or even health.  What I am saying is that the longer we dwell on the injustice of the same, the longer we ultimately pay a price much larger than what we ever should have had to pay.  When we look at others and say, “they are lucky,” too many times we are being unrealistic about the sacrifices they made in order to achieve their success or giving ourselves an excuse for the fact that we would rather quit, drink beer, or shop than make the sacrifices needed. When we recognize that no one escapes life without a few bruises and some heart ache we realize that the difference is in how they handle or recover from the lost, is what sometimes separates them from us.

The reality is, people who are willing to get back up and dust themselves off following failure or mistakes,which we all will face at some point or time in our lives, will succeed with each time they vow to come back better than ever.  It has to be there in action and without resentment or fear overcoming our determination to move on or to begin again. As long as we have people in our lives we all will either experience the just or unjust.

Anyone of us can be grateful when things are going our way, the difficult part is learning gratitude when we feel that our life is not, by seeking out what is good in our lives.  No one will ever experience a life where they do not have something or someone good in it, unless they flee from it or reject the idea or the person who does support them. Other times it is our own gift of determination and awareness that refuses to give up, that makes us get up and move on. It is when we waste time blaming others that we weaken our own chances to start over again. When we understand the lesson taught us we will reach gratitude in the process, even though our loss may seem insurmountable in the beginning.  Starting over can be the best thing we ever do, if we learn from our past. If we refuse to accept our own role in it, then too often we will fail. It is the price we pay that often becomes our best teacher in life and teaches us gratitude for the lessons learned.

Life often gets down to how we deal with the insignificant that too often gets blown out of proportion. Sometimes we do find people are in the right place at the right time but too often we refuse to accept that it is not a place that we would ever have traveled to or a job we would have wanted or were qualified for taking. People who base everything on the almighty dollar often fail to understand or appreciate the joy found around the table of a family who has food on the table or a person who is content with just having the people in their lives that they do.

Life for most of us is as rewarding as the lessons it teaches us and the price we pay for it. It is when we learn not to repeat the mistakes but to be grateful for the lessons learned that we become comfortable with what we accept as our own success. When we hear people complain that they just never got the breaks another person did, too many times it was under their own feet but they refused to take the next step or  make the right move that would have given them more.

People do determine their own goals early in life.  It does appear that some people make one mistake and pay for it all of their lives while others mess up all the time and end up a success.  We fail to see that each time the person messes up they often learn what will or wont work towards their own goals.  What made the difference is that they were not afraid to start all over again. We all have different ideas of what exactly success is;for some it is wealth but for many others it is being comfortable in their own body by giving more of themselves than what they took  in life.  A proud Father or Mother can find joy in the Children that become adults and in the way they repeat the lessons taught them.  Many will find a warm roof over their head a welcoming step that predicts the success of their lives.  As people we are not all looking for the same ideas or have the same beliefs, but whatever steps we take we have to be willing to learn from them.

What is happening with all the excuses and the blame being passed around in the Conservative movement as well as the Republican Party,following the election, is the same thing that makes them fail to understand their own mistakes.  Unless and until they accept the responsibility for their own failure to hear the majority of voters, they are bound to repeat their mistakes again and again. We can all take a lesson from their failure to take responsibility for accepting their own mistakes and their own out of touch sensibilities to the needs of the people.

My husband and I together began our lives in poverty with him being a student and my working towards paying his tuition right along with his working a part-time job.  What we had together, was an education and it is what opened the door that began our future towards retiring well.  We have been poor and we know how it feels to go without eating because there was no money nor anyone who we would accept help from, if it had been offered.  We had a great deal of pride and determination to achieve over what we had money in our pockets.

We have been lower middle class and upper middle class and will retire comfortably. It didn’t just happen without our going without along the way.  Even today I just buy enough clothes and shoes to cover me.  The biggest waste of money a couple will ever make is on clothing, despite this idea,” that we must dress for success.”  A few good pieces of clothing intermixed with other pieces is all that is really necessary, to “dress for success.” If we do make it to CEO or are CFO of  a large firm, where this makes a difference, the wardrobe will be compensatory in the wages, as well.

As my husband retires and we plan the next journey of our life I know personally that the places that we have lived and the things we have done will take their right of passage just as they indicate the sacrifices we were willing to make. The employers we had that rewarded hard work, parents who taught us how to live morally,and the schools we came from,all figure into the success that we worked for as well as the children we raised into adulthood, who will contribute to the success of their own lives.

We could never have accomplished what we did on our own, as it took finding an appreciative and grateful employer who was willing to reward our hard work.  It took me a lifetime of living with chronic physical pain, while accepting my own limitations but helping others with the problems in life they faced, and the two of us never giving up on our dream. It is about accepting the price we pay in life and not letting it get us down nor spending a moments notice on what someone else had.  As we drive away to explore the next journey in our lives and to once more view the great beauty of America and her people,I pray that we accept what lies around the corner just as we always have. Too many times we let bitterness replace the gratitude for the lessons we should have learned, for the price we paid in living. Be grateful everyone and have a great day!

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I have chosen to write today on the manipulator as they are especially active during the Holiday Season. We all know the manipulative by different names and faces but at some time in our lives we will all know several.  They are often times the charming that are generous with both their praise and gifts, until they have us totally convinced they are the victims of others,before they begin their attempts to victimize us.

If we could all just remember that people who do not expect something from us will walk away since they have nothing to prove, nor will they waste our time or their’s convincing us, unless we seek them out and ask for the facts, then we would all be the wiser before we find ourselves trapped by the manipulator.

Some are very obvious to those of us who have been conned ourselves, and too often when we try to warn our loved ones who are being victimized by these people or the person,we are the ones who lose the affections of our loved ones instead.  They are so charming while they convince us that they are the benefactors or benefactress of the World, before we become sucked into their schemes and realize that those who tried to warn us,were our real friends.

Many times they enter our lives when we are the most vulnerable and reaching out to gain knowledge or comfort.  They will many times be so perfect in our minds that we cannot believe ourselves that anyone so kind and generous can be in our lives. They run the gamut from Religious schemers such as Rev. Jones, who convinced or forced 900 people to drink the Kool-Aid,to claims of being a charitable organization but unless we check them out first they can be very convincing in their efforts to deceive, or many times they are a member of our own family.  No one is a better manipulator than the family member who needs alcohol or drug money and they often times do not stop with the family members but move on to the neighbors and strangers who will fall for their stories of victimization, just as we do.

When the charm runs out of the manipulator,because they can only sustain it for so long,we will either be made to feel that we  owe them the rest of our lives or we will wise up and run because just as charming as they can be, they can also be as intimidating.  While we are convincing ourselves that we have welcomed the perfect people or person into our lives they are learning our weak or vulnerable points and they learn to use them to their advantage when the charm wears off.  They capitalize on the negative feelings of guilt or feelings of betrayal in us, and use it to their benefits.  We should never think it is just our imagination or we are being unfair to them, after they have been so good to us, because they trap us into believing just that so they can gain control over us.

As we gain more knowledge and comfort with ourselves we recognize them readily and  to often think they are rather harmless to those of us who are aware of people who play on others’ emotions.  While we ourselves are no contest to them they often times see us as a challenge to defeat and will deliberately,in some cases, prey on those who we befriend, is our child, or another loved one, just to prove that they can out smart us and defeat us when we do think of them as being harmless. It often serves in the best interests of all of us if we do not make it obvious to them that we do not believe them, but remain firm in what our ground rules are because then the more likely they will be to move onto their next victim.  If we try to warn the next candidate to be victimized by the manipulator before they become victimized, they will not believe us either, unless they themselves are already wary of the charmers  who manipulate.

They appear at family gatherings such as Thanksgiving,in the malls,in our group of friends,at the  work place, at our church gatherings and in some cases even lead us in prayer,they are anywhere that the vulnerable can be isolated from others. If we donate to them once they will continue flooding our mail boxes or e-mail with more requests to give until they wear us down or convince us they need our donations, often under false pretenses. Other times they reach out through our telephones or the internet, as it is the perfect cover for the deceitful who never wish to be found out once they scam us into believing we are the most beautiful person in the World or they promise us that we will inherit a fortune if we just pay the taxes on it.If we are being manipulated or conned ourselves, we must first accept that we are as much at fault for allowing it to happen, once we become aware of it,as are the people who manipulate us.

So I offer all of us this Thanksgiving this simple advice even though I know those who need to heed it most, will not hear it, “If it is too good to be true, it almost always is.” We all make the dreams in our own lives come true.  It takes a lot of doing without sometimes and the understanding of those who help us to realize our dream.  No person ever realizes a dream as a single unit. It always takes a lot of hard work and co-operation to achieve our dreams.  It doesn’t fall from the sky and land in our laps, we have to earn it, and anytime we find others trying to take from us on a song and a dance or a story of victimization, we should never question our own motives but always question their motives, first.

Good luck is only what others are waiting for because they were not willing to make the sacrifices for others who truly needed their help or to make their own dreams come true.  Sometimes it is being in the right place at the right time but if we are not willing to put out the efforts it takes to achieve then we will not gain from the placement either. Dreams can still come true when we recognize our own strengths and weaknesses and accept help from those who do help us, by rewarding those who help us, through just and fair wages.

I wish each and all of you all the joy of giving that Thanksgiving can bring to all of us if we give in the spirit of giving.  Once we become aware of the manipulator and we make ourselves dependent on the kindness or intimidation of the same, or allow those who do help ruin the spirit of giving, we must accept our role in the same. All the denial in the World cannot force us to fail to acknowledge that if we are being played by a manipulator there are others as well.

Sometimes people are placed in our lives to test the respect that we have for ourselves and humanity in general, and when we fail that test we will also fail the tests of showing respect to others, who truly do deserve our time and love.  We have a responsibility to not only ourselves but to those who care about us to understand the difference of those in our lives who do respect our spirit of giving as verses the manipulators who take without a conscious. Once we become aware of the fact that we are the ones being used, then we need to accept that we enable the manipulators of the world and we need to stop the time,attention,and money often given to the manipulators, for all the reasons that allow them to operate on the unsuspecting. If we cannot stop them for our sake or the sake of the manipulator themselves, then we need to be aware of those who we hurt by going into denial of the part we play in it.

Thanksgiving is a time of appreciation and when we fail to appreciate those who should matter to us, we lose everything else of value as well. I feel truly Blessed for having the husband I have had for 45 years,my terrific daughters and son-in-law, and the two Bestest grandsons that a grandmother could ever have. I appreciate the value they add to my life by just being the genuine people that they are and their own faith in their own achievements.

All we who truly love really want is for our loved ones to be happy and for us to be aware when they are not, by offering them the emotional support they need,if they need our help. Too many times I have made the assumption that they needed my help when their maturity was leap years ahead of my own, at the same age they are.  Age may be a teacher to those of us who are willing to learn, but we should not always assume that we know better because of it. May we all be Blessed this Thanksgiving while we remember those who are really victims with our generosity and prayers.  Have a safe trip and a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!

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I am not writing this post for those of you who are suffering or have done without this Thanksgiving, because if you have been suffering for a while now, most of you are already grateful for the significant things in life, such as food on the table or life itself.  Others may be grateful for electricity being restored or for the Insurance adjuster showing up.  It has been a matter of fact for years now, that the more mankind suffers, the more likely we are to be grateful for the things that others take for granted.

I write this instead for those who are gathering for Thanksgiving and dreading the moment.  There are families who all have that one person, if not two or three, who feel it their yearly obligation.” to rain on our parades.”  We all know them, they will say things like,”Why can’t Mary find a man?”; “Will Johnny ever get a decent job?;”or “Whats wrong with you anyway that you can’t be more like your Saintly sister?; “You know what your brother said about you?”; “I don’t know how your husband or wife can stand you or just the opposite I don’t know how you can stand your husband or wife,”  or why are you so fat when your brothers and sisters aren’t?” Anything they can find to ridicule us about and then sit and laugh about it when they do insult us or hurt our feelings, like it is some kind of a fabulous joke. If they can’t show their own resentment in life, through turning us against the family, then they will turn the family against us.

When they are not making comparisons with one of us on the losing side of what they think is acceptable behavior in us, then they are putting their leg on a chair so no one can miss the fact that their arthritis is acting up in their knee or they belabor their suffering in  great detail.  There will be others who suggest that we can make a better broth or gravy if we just add such and such to it while others insist on carrying a conversation with us through the walls of a different room, while complaining that they cannot hear us, while we are trying to time the turkey coming out with the dinner rolls being finished.  Others will complain about it being too hot while others complain about it being two cold. These same people will be the last to even notice that we are caring for a sick child or suffering from the end results of the flu, while we try to put on a brave front so we do not spoil our own family’s Thanksgiving.

Speaking from someone who swore each year that I was not going to go through another Holiday where the person involved in ALL of the above behaviors could ruin it for my family, it took years before I found the courage to tell her that we would be spending the holiday without her.  Since there were 4 other children in 4 different States who could have paid her expenses and asked her for the Holidays but refused to, I had to learn to ignore the criticism and bear it, until it reached the point the only other one of her children who would take a turn ,decided to match the bullying techniques move by move, and then I washed my hands of it completely.

It is not easy to enjoy the Holidays with a mother only 4 blocks away and alone.  I was greatly criticized by those who refused to give me a break by taking our mother in my place, and by others who knew a different person from the one both myself and my family knew. There does come a day in all of our lives that we must reach our own decisions on our own priorities.  When we had honor rolls, graduations from not just highschool but college and grad school as well as engagements and marriage plans, there did come a time that as a grateful family, we did have the right to celebrate without the center of attention going to my mother who gains attention with continued hurtful or negative comments.

If you find that someone is ruining your Holidays, I do hope you take the time to understand their suffering and give them the attention that they crave,but I also want you to know when the negatives in your family is denying the other family members from giving thanks and celebrating the joys of the family, perhaps it is time to reverse your course or to ask,” what are the priorities of your loved ones?”

Respect walks a two-way street beginning with respecting our own needs as well as the needs of those who depend on us.  For those who can deal with both, despite the abusive grumbling of spouses,mothers and bitchy fathers,jealous siblings,ungrateful children,complaining Aunts and Uncles or Grandparents, I congratulate you on your strength and forbearance.  I hung in for 35 years out of my own sense of duty to my mother, but with growing health problems, myself, it was time to eliminate the negativity in order to enjoy the positive in our lives.

I know other people who deliberately make a habit of working the Holidays,or  leaving for better weather, Vegas or the Beach, in order to avoid having to confront the issues of family.  Others will go ahead and put up with it and then make their friends lives miserable for a month in both the dreading of it before the Holidays and the hurt of it when they leave.  The Holidays can be stressful, because as much as many of us look forward to them there are many others who go into a depression that spreads through the family because they are hanging onto a time in their child hood or life when they felt deprived.

Others will lose loved ones on the Holiday and we do understand that they grieve, as a result of it.  What I am describing here are those who feel that even though they got cheated in life, they are the experts over the entire family, and will not rest until they feel they get the upper hand even though they contribute nothing other than the complaints that brings all of the rest of us down.

We all hear how elderly parents are left to spend the Holidays alone by ungrateful children but never do we hear that parents are left to spend Holidays alone because they themselves have established a record of being ungrateful for those of us who do make the effort to include them until they themselves wear out their welcome.

Many times these same people will become the favorites of strangers or the nursing staff and then treat their own children like they are beneath them because they refused to believe as they were told to believe,accept the faith of their parents,loved someone their parents forbade them to love, or did not become the person the parent thought they should become.  The parent was continually ashamed or embarrassed by their own children’s appearance or the way they dressed. At the same token some parents had reason for concern, when the adult child’s behavior was out of control or they were too willing to accept abuse,themselves.  There are any number of ways beside ungrateful children, as to why family members do end up alone on Holidays.

I welcome the idea that mankind is one family and when our own blood family drives us away with their own behavior that they do find a friend or care giver that befriends them when we ourselves cannot.  I think I speak for many this Holiday Season when I say that we are very grateful that our loved one’s have you in their lives.  We do love them, despite the fact that when we try to love them, they themselves drive us away with their words and behavior against us.

Those of you who think  I am talking about simple cantankerous relatives who are suffering, and it is the same that you welcome into your lives, all I can say for the rest of us is,”NO They Are Not! Not all of us are as fortunate as to have family members who are any different at 70 than they were at 30 or at 3, and there in lies the difference. We grow old as we grew young while some wounds are never allowed to scar or heal by those who spend a lifetime taking out their hurt on those of us who are the closest to them, while they refuse to get the help we offer them. Many times you instead can be the catharsis to them that we cannot be, and as a result we remain grateful to you, a total stranger.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be grateful for all of those who we too often take for granted and love each other. The less said the better Thanksgiving will be for all of us, if the only thing that crosses our minds has criticism attached to it, just because we may think it is constructive criticism, it has no place at the dinner table, now or ever.  Perhaps constructive criticism does exist on a job where an employee struggles to learn the same, but criticism in a family is criticism.

If we can not treat family members with the human dignity of respect how can we teach our own children or grandchildren to give respect and to demand the same respect, in their own lives? If discussing our differences becomes as lop-sided as the lack of respect shown, then we need to make decisions in the best interests of those who do care about us and who depend on us. We cannot expect others to defend us if we refuse to defend our own right to be treated with human dignity. As adults if we cannot discuss our differences without demeaning ourselves or others, then it is time to consider another recourse.  If we do not like receiving criticism ourself, then we must learn to be adults and not give it, as what goes around will come around. If you are traveling have a safe trip and God Bless us all!

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I wish everyone Merry Christmas and the best of Holidays! Last year I wrote a great deal about giving and Christmas and/or Holiday Cheer but I spent this week on politics for two reasons:

The first being from the stories being reported, I recognized there are still in America, many wonderful and generous people, who do understand and get that this time of year is about the Good will that we show those less fortunate or who struggle and do need our help. It does not stop the giving, that many times goes on throughout the year, as well. I have always believed in anonymous giving, myself, but whether you do or not, the important thing is that we give. Too many times those who can justify anything, are quick to say Christ has been taken out of Christmas and we have commercialized Christmas instead, when at least 90% of all shopping, if not more than that, is given away to bring joy to others.

I have always believed if we are Christians or of another Faith or Belief, Christ would Bless the American people, because we do have a great and generous heart during this time of His celebrated birth, as we do during times of great tragedy, as well as throughout the year. Somehow those who would criticize the American giver,in my opinion, are simply bitter that some one other than themselves are receiving. How else can we explain it differently, when it is the spirit of generosity of a person’s heart that joins with their actions,in compassion and empathy, in order for us to give to others, that they are criticizing.

I know in my heart and mind, that many of us will give up our time when we cannot afford to give from our wallet. Those of us who appreciate that we still have a home, will show our appreciation by helping those who do not have a home. Many will remember the shut-ins who are sick and suffering while others have sacrificed all year to bring joy to the children in their own lives, as well as, those who would not receive, otherwise.

People eat, who would not be fed without those who give food or food stamps, because when the food comes to their homes or neighborhoods, they are able to keep their poverty better hidden and their pride and dignity intact. The food pantries as well as food stamps, give them the selections, that we all take for granted, because of those who donate or pay taxes,(they pay taxes in most cases,as well) and the paid and free volunteer staffs, who accommodate the hungry. The educational benefits given to others can and does turn around the lives of many.As many needs as there are,there are people trying to help others.

Anyone who would criticize the giving that is so predominate this time of year, and profess that we have taken Christ out of Christmas, have lost touch with their own humanity,as in compassion and empathy for someone other than ourselves, in my opinion. We are never more Christ-like ourselves,than when we give for reasons of love, without expectation of return. Giving back,for the kindness and generosity that we receive from others in our lives, is what both we Christians and Americans do. We Christians are not alone in our generosity, as those who celebrate Hanukkah as well as those who believe in the Muslim Holidays, share in our generosity, as well, even though it was more a part of the practice of early Christians to give alms to the poor, than it was other religions.

Just as this time of year is about bringing Joy to others, instead of what we get out of it, and it has nothing to do with trying to force our own beliefs on others, is alive and well with many of us; still other Americans, believe that if we do not spend this time on our knees and in worship, then we take Christ out of Christmas. Mankind judges way too harshly, the love and the way we express it in my opinion. I think that what we do in sincerity and with a pure heart is always smiled on, regardless of those who would complain otherwise. I swell up with pride every time I hear the media announce the generosity of my fellow Americans who gave anonymously so that others can enjoy this Season.

Entirely too much of what is wrong with a few, is what we almost always hear about by the naysayers and in the media, who would rather report shootings or pepper spray over sale items in stores, by the very few who do not or never will represent those who are generous of both heart and spirit. I commend CNN for taking their time out to recognize just a few of the gracious donors in America as well as the World. We may not all be able to give as much as those who can accomplish more with name recognition or great wealth, but so many of our small contributions do add up to make other lives better. I commend all of you who do give and share generously of your own time and good fortune.

The second reason, that I stayed on politics this week, is because after spending three years listening to the right-wing and far right-wing as in Tea Party, destroy our right to enjoy the accomplishments of President Barack OBama, we Independents, Republicans, and Democrats, who voted for him and have seen through the lies, have instead had to listen to 3 straight years of complaints and lies being told about him.

Even when OBama brought justice to Osama Ben Laden, instead of our being able to say thanks or feel vindicated just a little for the great harm Osama Ben Laden, did to us as Americans and the suffering he caused so many American families, OBama was having to show his birth certificate, to prove he was a citizen.

Just to be able to see the Republicans eat crow and stop their “pie holes” from more lies,even though spin it they are, we Democrats could smile, and smile we did. I could not miss the opportunity, to just once, not to take the smile off my face, knowing they in their hate lost. That they caved,and it wasn’t for the wealthy but instead for those who have had to suffer the most for the Republican arrogance and obstructionism, just makes it that much sweeter, especially when they announced just 2 weeks ago they had no intentions of giving in.

When Boehner professed; to quote him,”Sometimes it is difficult to do the right thing,” and then repeated it several times, it should have said a lot to all of us. What I would like to tell him and all of the Republicans,is, “Doing the right thing for the people is never difficult, if you keep in mind why you were sent to Washington.” When you recognize,as we do, it is “We the People” who elect you and we expect all of you to do the right thing, then it will become as natural as tying your shoes, combing your hair or eating when your hungry. The laws of the land and the Constitution as well as the oath of office you take,is or should be your guidelines, mixed with the compassion and desire to want to do the right thing, for all Americans, regardless of race,creed,color, or gender, should make it simple enough, since we pay your wages.

It may not be all in the Christmas Spirit, but somehow I do not think Christ would mind if those who have led by lies or the lack of leadership themselves, as the Republicans in Congress have, would be exposed for their own lack of leadership and lies.I just feel that maybe He too is smiling this Christmas and or Holiday Season, even though I do not speak for Him or pretend to.

Regardless of why you subscribe to my blog, press the like button, make a comment, or just stop by, I wish you all the very Best, this Holiday Season.I appreciate each and every time you visit. I wish all who are traveling a safe and uncomplicated trip. May all things that make you smile come your way during the Holiday Season and if you are gathering with your family or their family or spending a quiet Holiday at home alone, remember to Hug the cook!God Bless us all!

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I was watching a cable network show the other day, and the question asked of the viewing public was,”When will the government tell us the truth about the Iraq War?”,there were a various number of answers and of course the ever stupid one blaming OBama, but in truth just how much do we need to know?

Those of us who do not bore ourselves with research,read, or study foreign policy probably did not understand that British Petroleum owns 66% of Iraq oil rights and American Corporations owns 18% with Iraq having more oil than, any Country in the Middle East. American oil reserves were at one of the lowest if not the lowest before we went into Iraq. Since we had sanctions against Saddam Hussein he was refusing or making it difficult at least for British Petroleum and American oil companies to get their oil out to the refineries.

Cheney served on the board of Halliburton for years, before becoming Vice President and I believe history will show that he spear-headed the movement into Iraq and the war as plenty have indicated the same. Once an oil man always an oil man is fairly common as with most other occupations. Our other allies did not go to war with us because it was a commerce problem not a problem for war.The American people as well as members of the military, Congress and the Senate were incorrectly led to believe that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and when none were found just as the people on the ground, whose job it was to report back to the U.N., had told the United Nations previously before our going to war, then the people were lied to and told they had faulty information.

Since I did know this,as I regularly check out foreign policy.gov, and I believe that oil is no excuse to go to war, I was very much against the war in Iraq. I believe unless the people or our allies ask us for help, as the Libya people did, we should remain neutral other than when we are attacked on our soil or the soil of our allies or for humane reasons when we are asked to intercede.

America was very much justified to go into Afghanistan and Pakistan,once we had been attacked as we were by Osama Ben Laden. I believe we are justified, to enter any country to eliminate him. I am neither a Pacifist or a Hawk, but I do believe that America should and does have a right to eliminate injustice when asked by those who need our help, since we have the most superior of all military in the World. However after once entering and they feel confidant to continue as Iraq did, we do need to leave when they ask us to. Many times communications or sanctions can solve more than war, and we owe it to our young men and women to open up communications before going to war.

Although I would never advocate that the American voter bury their heads in the sand, or not educate themselves, before going to the polls to vote on the candidates, who do run for office, a great deal of American interests does need to remain in secret in order to better protect our own shores from terrorism,to safeguard our military personnel over-seas, and to serve Democracy. It is no different from a drug bust ever being made, a murder solved, a chop-shop broken up or any crime solved, if the press and criminals were all aware of what the authorities were doing.

The important thing is that our military, regardless of what they were told, fought with honor and after leaving Kuwait today, will all be home, with the exception of 160 troops who are still training the Iraqi troops and those who will remain to protect our Embassy, in Iraq. We need to understand that those who have and are coming home, in so many ways, their war is still going on and may continue doing so for years, while they battle against both physical and emotional wounds. Their families who are making the adjustments and who sacrificed right along with them, will learn as all war families do, that a different person from whom they knew, has returned home. We Americans must never forget their sacrifice when or if the legislatures try to dismiss the long-term care that many will need and have earned.

Our men and women fought with honor, in many cases, to save and spare their own comrades while the great majority of we Americans went on with our lives. It is now time that we rise to the occasion of meeting their needs. We all must remember that 1/3 of our homeless are military vets, when we take umbrage with the poor, and fight for them, when they can no longer fight for themselves.

Before you accuse me of seeing UFO’s and or The Loch Ness Monster, since the Day of the Trojan Horse, much of what has been told to the people, is not always as is, when it comes to matters of war. Even the Civil War began as a war over secession over high tariffs charged by the North to the South and later changed to a war over slavery.For those who think the movies resemble war-time then we all need to reassess reality. There has been much conversation, about the drone that was lost by the CIA into Iran. So much of espionage looks different to the civilian population than it does to those who do know exactly what they are doing.

Because the press sometimes keeps us too well-informed, I can simply say, if I was Iran, I would at least take the smirk off of my face if not consider destroying it, rather than risk the fact that it wasn’t a deliberate “Oops” moment. Do we even know if it is fully equipped or with what or was it set down to mislead? It would not be the first spy plane, that was set down to mislead those we were at war with. I acknowledge that it also may not be anything less than reported, but we too quickly want to believe the worse in the news about OBama or are too quick to accept the spin doctors who promote or pay for the lies that we hear, instead of realizing none of us know a damn thing, if we do not ever question what we read or hear.

A good example of what is currently being reported as fact is that the Republicans are expounding and that is that the Keystone pipeline will produce 20,000 jobs and not cause the American tax payers anything. The truth is the Company itself as well as Cornell University, who makes a point of checking the facts out, says it will produce 6500 part-time jobs and lead to 50 permanent jobs while the Republicans continue to hold up the tax break to the middle class tax payers, without the Keystone Pipeline included.

I think it does us all well to remember:”that a great deal of what we don’t know, does not hurt us,” when we are ignorant of those who do protect our best interest in the World. The inter-net along with some establishment owned networks, some cable television news,radio air ways and print owned by Murdoch and the establishment make it a habit to spin the truth to those of us who would remain better off not knowing their brand of so-called truth. Let’s face it,most of all the lies we hear, even when it is not on the inter-net,media, newsprint or from a politician, do come from an insecurity complex or a narcissist, or an ego or the establishment. As teenagers we seem to know this and sadly, as adults we resign ourselves to accepting it,or worse yet, go into denial and believe the lies.

What we all need to remember is just where our priorities should be and what we should make a point to know and that is during this Christmas, or if you prefer Holiday Season, our goals need to be “Goodwill towards our fellow-man, woman and child,who are in need and or suffering whether it be our own family or our neighbors, and especially that our thoughts and prayers go out to all of our military families.”

I will use this medium to tell all military families.”Thanks to you all” for your service and sacrifices for us, and speaking for myself,I greatly appreciate your heroism, even though I was against the reason we went to war, I am capable of admitting that I was wrong, when I hear about the dreadful treatment suffered by the people under Saddam Hussein.

I just like some of you,would have felt better about the sacrifices you were asked to make, if America had gone to war for humane reasons or if the Iraqi people had asked us to come in, and without the lie of weapons. I have lived enough years to know that even when life may look its darkest or the reasoning behind it is not always sound, more times than not, another door will open and flood brightly with light on the justice of it all. It will all make sense with time, when the press stops reporting the negatives and lies against Obama being weak, and catches on to the protection Iraq will have as an ally of America. War is hell and rare has it been when the troops left, they did not feel the quilt of leaving behind the misplaced people.

The possibility of having a new ally sitting between Israel and Iran, not to mention getting rid of a cruel dictator, is already telling us your time was worth much more than perhaps you can now appreciate, as you gave us more than any of us dared hope for more than a decade ago when Saddam Hussein turned against America, after we set him up with technology and weapons. The potential for a civil war looms great, and I ask patience of us all, while the Kurds, Sunni and Shiites fight for supremacy, as I know it will be hard on the Iraqi people and require more sacrifice on their part, as well. Once there is a victor, then we will begin to see your sacrifices recognized, right along with theirs’.

Once trade opens up between our two Countries and the American people see our economy turn around because Corporations will be forced into hiring back the workers out of need to produce, as we join with our ally in shared interest of rebuilding Iraq and bringing security back to the Iraqi people, then your efforts will become a part of the history you sacrificed for, and the naysayers will know just how much you did contribute to the American welfare, on the back of your own suffering. What the politicians could not accomplish you will accomplish and we will all be better Blessed for your sacrifices.

I am confident that we learned our lessons from what happened with Saddam Hussein and have another chance to be more firm, observant and ever watchful, thanks to your sacrifices. Never forget,” your second wind.” as those of us who care, respect you when you lose sight of it. God Bless you all and again, Thanks! Welcome home where you belong!

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Finally!What can I say that those of us who knew this was a miscarriage of justice, for both Amanda Knox and Raeffaele Sollecito, haven’t already been saying for almost 4 years now? On May 23, 2010, I wrote a post entitled “A Black Eye On Italian Justice,”and seriously questioned the justice of this case.

For those who do not know:on the very first day following the murder of Amanda’s roommate, Meridith Kercher of Britain, the police gathered together 100 items for forensic testing. Up to this point all was quite above-board. Those 100 items of uncontaminated forensic items clearly showed the murderer and rapist to be Rudy Guede.It would take time to get the results back as well as track down Guede,as prior to this, no one was even considering Rudy. Amanda and Raeffaele were considered suspects from the first day, although they had no evidence on either of them at this time. Guede would flee and be arrested later and then acknowledge his presence at the apartment, later.

He was considered a nuisance by the girls. Amanda barely knew him and Raeffaele did not know him at all. There are no records,witnesses, or evidence, phone or otherwise,tying Raffaele or Amanda to Rudy at anytime, much less the night in question. The District Attorney had a fascination with the Occult and a gut feeling about Amanda and Raeffaele from the start and refused to let go of them as suspects.

After the initial testing of the clean DNA, the prosecution office would wait 46 days and gather up seriously contaminated items from the crime scene. Much of this evidence was piled on top of other evidence,as well as walked on, and both would further contaminate it. This forensic evidence set and collected dust,of skin cells and hair that fly through the air in any contained apartment or home, for the 46 days, so the material collected did not even come close to fitting the International code of forensic standards nor the FBI’s, when collected, for DNA purposes.

When they found the finger prints on the knife, were those of Amanda’s, this was forensics that would be disputed by the person doing the autopsy, and it could never reach the standards set for forensic evidence if the D.A hadn’t of kept lowering the bar of acceptance lower and lower, as has been reported elsewhere. The person doing the autopsy, would say, “this knife was too large to be the murder weapon.” They would then find a totally clean pocket knife of Raeffaele’s and say, “there must have been two knifes since his was smaller.”

The so-called forensic evidence of Raeffaele’s was as poor as if he shook the hand of someone else, and those skin cells of the person he touched, or DNA, would be found on a sink he later touched or even on another’s hand. An example would be; If he used the toilet and flushed it and Meredith then followed him and flushed it, she would pick up Raeffaele’s skin cells or DNA, after she used it, and then transfer his DNA when she fastened the clasp on her own bra: this then is the same kind of forensic DNA they found of Raeffaele’s, on Meredith’s bra clasp. Three other people’s DNA would be found on this same section of her bra, as well, since it was so poorly mishandled.

These two things would convict the two of them.Even though no forensic lab in the World accepts this kind of contaminated DNA as both are way below even considering as accurate DNA standards anywhere in the World.Every forensic Scientist knows to change their gloves after touching each piece of evidence but they did not do so, as pictures showed that all of their gloves were filthy. Instead of wearing the disposable plastic gloves, they chose to wear white cloth gloves. Everything was highly transferred and contaminated,due to the absorbency of these gloves,and as a result of not changing gloves with each piece of evidence.

Amanda also showered and tracked the blood of the victim, Meredith Kercher, she later discovered on the bathroom rug, into her room with her wet feet. This along with all the forensic evidence they collected was so contaminated that no forensic laboratory would ever accept this type of DNA, either.None of the evidence after the first day even came close to qualifying in any lab in the World.

As all of we women know, when washing a knife, we will sometimes pick up a knife, while hanging onto the handle, and simply wipe off the blade and put it back in the drawer.Even if Amanda’s finger prints were not highly contaminated she would have finger prints as well as blood smears in her own apt. 4 women living together, all would have blood smears, as a result of their periods or just cutting themselves while slicing or cooking, as is fairly typical around any home or apartment.

The prosecutor in this case was found guilty of misuse of his office in another case separate from Amanda’s and kept setting the bar lower and lower on the DNA evidence and then would announce that it was uncontaminated when not a single lab in the World would have even looked at this evidence, since after the first day when they found neither Amanda’s or Raeffele’s DNA, none of the DNA, was anything but sub par to any standards set in the International forensic labs, and would never be acceptable.

They were denied lawyers and Amanda did not understand the language. When they demanded that she imagine or speculate how the murder may have happened, she had no choice, because they had kept them up for hours and even hit her on the head with books so she co-operated. The room was reportedly, filled with policemen, When she tried to speculate they accepted it as her confession and she was given 26 years with Raeffaele given 25 years both for murder.

Thanks to one judge saying.” something was not right with the DNA evidence and they needed to hear them on appeal,” she and Raeffaele won the attention of this judge on appeal and have been acquitted of murder by two judges and a jury. Appeals are all automatic in Italy just as they are in the United States. Amanda will be released and coming back to Seattle where she grew up; it is also the area that never gave up hope for her or wavered on their support of her innocence.

Yellow journalism entered the picture in both Perugia as well as Britain, and since it was Halloween,and the District Attorney was bent towards thinking in terms of the Occult, witches and satan worship, along with corruption and gossip would be speculated on as far as Amanda and Raeffaelle were concern.

Amanda, when encouraged to think in terms of the occult, would involve another person with her speculation and for that she has been fined and served the time. Sadly the same people interrogating her and Raeffaelle are experienced with interrogating the mafia and Amanda was only 20 years of age and still quite naive, along with not understanding the language.

All kinds of false information along with corruption would surround this case. Also the attitude that all American women are loose or whores would be intermingled with the case that would lead to gossip of sex games gone awry. The “Foxy Knoxy” stories coming out of Brittain, along with what was being confused with Amanda’s own behavior as to bewilderment, which all innocent people would most likely express, would also add to the stories being told.

The sad thing is they had a simple robbery that led to rape and murder with the clean DNA, collected the next day, and if Guede was not pressured to include both Amanda and Raeffaele, even though neither were there, this case would have been settled almost 4 years ago. The Meredith Kercher family could have begun their grieving almost immediately.Sadly there will now always be those who believe Amanda and Raeffaele, who are entirely innocent, are suspect.

To the Italian judge, who questioned this case and to the jury who found contaminated DNA unacceptable, we say,”Thank You! To all who put in dedication, money,sweat equity,had to deal with insults, and believed in the innocence of Amanda and Raeffaele,in this case, I salute You! I feel your joy and celebrate with you. I was hopeful 14 months ago that a higher power than these mere men would set both Amanda and Raeffaele free, but not until today could we dare say, “Welcome Home Amanda and Raeffaele!”

The world, who has both followed this case and brought pressure on those involved,as well as believed in the innocence of these two College kids, is delighted that the Italian justice system did work, eventually, in this case. My apology to all Italians and your Court system, for doubting that it would.

Our hearts and prayers go out to the Kercher family, who have suffered unmercifully and who will always have to live with unnecessary questions, and to Amanda and Raeffaele, and their loved ones who have had to suffer unjustly, and will always have to live with a cloud over their head, because of the misguided path chosen by the DA, in this case, and Judges who bought into it.

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The people in our lives who never want to be bothered by others are usually the same who are bothered by everything. If they hold a job, which some never do while others never keep a job, those who do come home grab a beer or the Nintendo or Wii and start playing. Other times when they come home from the job, they grab a six-pack,several glasses of wine, or several drinks, turn on the television and spend the rest of the night in front of it, until they either fall asleep,sometimes in a stupor, in the chair or go to bed.The family will dish him/her up a plate of food and bring it to them. They never ask for or question what their spouse or children did during the day,because they have enough problems of their own, and simply do not want to be bothered.

When they are adult children; they will sleep until the afternoon get up and grab something to eat, and watch the soaps, and then the women will get ready to go out and shop,on Dad’s or Mom’s credit card, while the guys usually play video games and then both will go out to cruise the bars,casinos, or clubs, much later, again on the cash from Mom and Dad.

We see this more times in fathers who grew up as sons,being waited on by the women of the family, but it can be just as common in women. Both can and do apply to men and women who were never asked to do anything when it came to taking responsibility for their own rooms, much less, help out with the upkeep of the lawn,laundry,balancing the budget,cooking, or in the upkeep of the house, because Mom always did it. It is always much more difficult to teach children to take responsibility in a home than it is to do it ourselves, according to our own standards, and that is why they grow up to become adults who do not want to be bothered by anything.

Many times our own lack of ambition or that of our spouse, will spread onto our children who will repeat the same sloth like existence. This type of personality, often, pat themselves on their own back, as to how nothing ever bothers them and how easy-going they are, even though everyone else living with them are continuously stressed out and under pressure.

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand, all of the work and stress of keeping up the bills,the house,our children, and the lawn falls on the shoulders of the spouses or parents, if they are old enough to be out of the house on their own or holding down a job, but instead are remaining at home to be both supported and waited on by their parent or parents.It has not and will it ever occur to people, who do not take responsibility for their own lives, that it is much easier to be easy-going, when someone else is taking care of our responsibility.

In some Christian homes women are taught the men work to support them and the family, all day, so it is the women’s job to wait on the men and make certain they are kept content and happy when they return home at night. It is the job of the wife to make sure the children are well-disciplined and kept both away from their fathers, and even in some cases out of their sight, so that the man of the house is not bothered by their noise and racket. Fathers are entitled to relax and to enjoy their peace and quiet when they return home from a stressful day of work. They should not be bothered by the wife’s complaints or conversation nor by their own children.

The pathetic thing about treating adults so that they will not be bothered, is that many times when their children grow up they do become the generation most threatened by drugs and alcohol.They feel that they were both unloved and unwanted by their fathers,and why shouldn’t they feel that way?When adult children or adult men and women, do not want to be bothered by responsibility, they too, will turn to drug and alcohol to numb their own sense of worthlessness.

The great majority of mankind do find our own sense of importance from what we achieve in life. The older we get,having achieved nothing, the more cheated, we feel when we were never taught to be self-sufficient. The dysfunction that existed in the family homes, made the children feel,justifiably so, as a burden to their fathers or their mothers when they were told they should not bother mom or dad,as well.

A child does not, nor should they ever have to understand, why just being themselves, is a bother to their parents.When everything bothers us as an adult we will find out, that no one will be around to bother us, later. Being generous with our money does not equal love or parenting.

When the self-appointed-martyred parents or wife pass on, and no one is left to wait on these adult children or husbands,they will find that no one else will be as eager,naive or stupid to do so. If we were not there for our children, it is fairly certain that our children will not be there for us when they grow up,either.When we teach them that we will wait on them until they find a spouse to take our place,we teach them that they are not worth the bother, of our time or efforts, to parent them so that they can and will grow up to achieve their own purpose or success in life.

We parents do need to know that raising children always has been and always will be about,”Pay now or Pay later.” No generation can or will change the responsibility of parent to child and not come out the winner or the loser for having done the right or wrong thing by our children. We need to know, ourselves, what truly showing love, over not being bothered entails in the life of our own family.It is always different from one family to the next because we all have different personalities and value systems that we need to live by, and teach, through our own equal treatment of the same.

It has always been a disaster, to every marriage and family, when one person is left to take on all the responsibility of home and family while the others live a carefree existence in the home.Since jobs bring with it both a pay check and a 40 to 60 hour week but home life lasts 24/7 without a pay check or let up in the hours, the entire family needs to know how,when and where to assume responsibility.

It can be more difficult to live with the person, who appoints themselves or accepts total responsibility, to be the martyr, as it is to live with the person who does not want to be bothered. Neither brings peace or harmony to our homes or family.Equality in a home, where everyone takes on their own responsibility, will always bring about a more successful lifestyle for all who reside there, by freeing up the time and commitment of all of us. Equality of the genders can not go away unless, we ourselves, ask for or accept without question, injustice.

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In some homes across America there will always be that one family member, who is often times, the most spoiled or the most neglected. This member will always be the most loyal regardless of how they are treated. They ask very little of the family beyond being fed and watered once they receive their yearly or bi-yearly shots, and will many times give up their own life if called on, for the family. The return of the family to the home is always the most exciting part of the day, for them. They worship, usually one member of the family more, unless we are fortunate enough to find that special one, who chooses more than one family member to tag behind.

Some families can love this member to its grave and make sure they know they are special and others can leave them outdoors in the elements totally neglected or in a house where they bring shame on themselves, since they are forgotten, and have no place to relieve themselves except in the filth of the home.

If there is any other place that the extremes of humanity are shown,in such huge numbers in America, between good and bad, than with this family member, I’m not aware of where that exists. The cruelty against them can be so atrocious that it often will raise the ire of the public in a way that no others can. Other times people will be quick to call people,who show their love to this family member as silly or ridiculous,because of the affection they shower on them.

I am talking about the family dog,of course, but cats can receive the same treatment. Cats are less loyal,however, and will often choose two other families in the neighborhood to adopt who will feed them, incase their original family fails their expectations. Unless of course, we keep the cat indoors, at all times, and then they are more than content to run our households.A spoiled dog can also run a home, until or unless, we let them know that there is an alpha male or female living in the home and then they are more than glad to take orders and remain in their order of the wolf pack mentality, that still goes back in their instincts for years and years, before the family dog became domesticated.

It has been awhile since I have updated you on our faithful old companion, so I will update you now. Just to refresh everyone, in March of 2010, we went on a vacation and left him in the Veterinary kennel, where he has always stayed while we have been out-of-town in the past. They do an excellent job, and in the past he has always resigned himself to staying with them.

Whatever the reason, perhaps because we took vacation earlier in the year than usual and threw off his routine or because he was 13 years of age and suffering a little dementia, due to being older, no one knows why for sure. He refused to eat and suffered a nervous break down with our being gone.

We got back home just in the nick of time, to rescue him from his own self-imposed-victimzation. It was touch and go for a while but he made a full and quick recovery.He is a toy cocker spaniel and was purchased to be a companion for me, while I traveled. As is typical, many times,life is what happens while we are busy making plans and my health altered the traveling dog plans.

Despite that though, he has settled in to be both a good traveler when my husband and I take him with us as well as a super house dog. We have not been able to leave home without him for more than a couple of hours since his break down. As a result we have spent trips or vacations in some pretty seedy motel rooms when we travel East.The farther West we go, dogs are accepted as a member of the family, and people look at us strange if we even doubt if they will take dogs in some of the most upscale suites and penthouses.

The fact that our youngest daughter lives in Portland, Oregon, and we plan our longest vacations around seeing her or meeting her elsewhere on the Coast, it has not been too bad of a hinderance to have him with us.We worry of course,especially this year when we met our daughter in Reno and went on to the California Coast and wine Country, if the trip will be too hard on him.

He ended up making the trip better than my husband and I, and came back just as perky as ever. He fits in well with us as he has a little arthritis and is content to take a nap in his chair:)I am pleased to say that he is going on to his 15th year of life and still not suffering old age, beyond his ability to still enjoy life. So that is the long and short of the update of our other family member.

I hope you take out time, even if it is only a few minutes, as most dogs will understand that our time is sometimes limited, to appreciate and praise your other family member, today. Any of us who do own dogs and are able to give them the proper care do know and understand that the little critters return love on a magnanimous level, when we are able to give love.

If you can no longer care for your pet due to financial difficulties or health, then please make certain that you place them with someone who can. I cannot urge enough, the need to give food,water and love to these family members, who ask for so little and give back the best in all of us and more. Have them spayed and neutered and their shots kept updated, and if you cannot afford to, then contact your local humane or animal shelter, as many times they will be able to do it for you, for little or no cost.

Sorry about the public health message, but animal over-population to the point of feral dogs running wild in major cities,as well as, upsetting the balance of nature in rural areas is becoming a problem and will become more than just a nuisance, if we don’t make certain our beloved family members are treated in the way we need to accept is a must, for the animal population, and our Human children’s future safety.

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