Successful Families

I have written about families who do not succeed, as obviously families who do and have been successful,clearly know and understand the value of taking responsibility for their own lives, and will continue doing just fine without the financial or moral advice of others, as long as other family members understand that they still need and want as much acceptance as the other member or members of the family, who do or does not achieve,at the same rate.

Successful families will spend as much time offering genuine congratulations as they will sympathy.They gain hope for themselves through the success of the other members who have made it, if that is their goal. If they know and are honest with themselves, that they will never achieve the same, because they have different goals or priorities,not to mention spending habits, they do not begrudge the success of their siblings. Money will never pass the hands of the adult members unless it is given of the free will and clear thinking of a family member in form of a Birthday or Christmas gift.

If we do give money or help, it is because we want to and not because we feel manipulated into doing so,but we do it with the acceptance of everyone involved. It needs to be money given freely that will not lead to our own hardships, later,if we do find we need the money. Families will help out when a member of the family has an emergency, due to a car breaking down, illness,moving,fires, or once in a life-time or extremely rare layoff,etc., when they are able to help, as long as, it does not take their life savings.

I haven’t come close to even skimming the surface, of truly painful dysfunctions in families, who do not even rate on the scale of remote acceptance, when it comes to family values. These family members have no regard for anyone beyond where they are going to get their next fix and how they will find the money to do so,even when it comes to stealing from family members or prostituting out their own spouse or children or themselves. Yet parents will blindly aid and abet them at a price or lost to the entire family. They will only get better,many times when they are arrested or sent to rehabilitation. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are so greedy they would sell their own mother, if they could make a profit on it. Instead I have pretty much stayed with what has been common in families over the generations, when families fail to last.

Where no member feels justified or entitled to borrow money, or money never enters the picture because of manipulation or guilt,much less where borrowing becomes habit,families eliminate the number one cause of families failing. The number two cause of failure is finding fault and passing blame and making assumptions based on the sense of entitlement. When families fail to understand that Mom and Dad do not owe us money for our childhood nor do we owe them money for it,unless a formal loan was made by word of mouth or contract, and parents do not make their children compete for their time and attention through the use of failure, while success goes unrewarded,families do work out and last.

The reason I have expressed taking responsibility for ourselves, when we become adults and it is time to move on, is because many times it is the child that fails in doing so, that parents feel most protective of defending. We parents do wear blinders, many times, in not understanding the damage we do to our own families when we feel the need to make the weak member of the household ,our favorites. To express that this child is and has always been our favorite, only adds flame to the fire, when the other children have never asked anything of us, but instead have only offered to help us when we needed help.

Successful families do not have a parent or child in it that is lying, in order to get attention or sympathy, in order to come out as the most favored child or sibling,they do not disown or exclude a member of the family from family gatherings,or lie to buy drugs, or lie to cover for the fact they have a spending problem,to cover for their gambling,or because they simply fail to work long enough and hard enough to reach their own goals through saving,etc. Successful families do not use their failures or claim to be the most unfortunate member of the family, in order to blackmail their parents or to play on their parents guilt.

Successful families are not made responsible for the sibling who fails to live within the boundaries of the income they earn. Successful families are accepting of our differences, over being critical of them. Successful families understand that we will each be tested in our own range of life and our tests of life do not need to be compared with theirs.

It is not uncommon that those who are tested the most severe, are often the most grateful amongst us as well as the last to complain about their hardship. They can and do appreciate the lesson that has been taught them and the value of having learned the lesson. Successful families will make room for the spouses of each family member, to express their own minds.Successful families are those who if they choose to marry, will understand that the wife deals with the issues in her family while the husband deals with the issues in his family but they come first, when it comes to communicating between the two, if and when problems arise.

I could go on forever, and not touch all the reasons why families fail or succeed, but for the most part when assumptions are made by us and other members of the family fail to live up to our expectations or demands, and we end up disappointed as a result of our own erroneous ideas, and when we place conditions on our love, then our families will enter the danger zone that does lead to failure.

Unconditional love and acceptance of our differences given freely without strings attached or expectations in return,garnered with respect for each member by all members who have not suffered hardship as a result of the behavior of another, will be behind the reason, families succeed.Pretty simple when we think about it, but if our family has a member in it, who will obsess over the sinfulness of Santa Claus, then we need to make certain our minds are as open as our hearts or understand at what point or level of abuse, will we be justified in walking away.

We need to understand we cannot control others or make decisions for them and each decision we make needs to be an individual decision based on our own thought process and made for ourselves,in an effort to spare our own sanity through truth and in avoidance of denial as well as our own physical well-being,sometimes for the survival of our own marriage or other times for the safeguard of our minor children.

MY hope then is that we all remember when we gather this weekend for an enjoyable Labor Day celebration to Truly celebrate what we love about each other and stay away from assumptions or anything that will divide us, and we will all do fine. The major thing to bear in mind is,”It is a camping trip”. Someone will forget something,someone will not always move at the speed that we would like,children living in close quarters are more apt to argue as are parents,there will be tears and bites but we hope the tears are not coming from the adults, and the number one thing to remember is,”Just think how nice it will be to be back home into the routine we complained about before we left to go camping.” If you are spending it elsewhere, without extended family, then enjoy the last break before the snow or rain flies with the cold. Have a safe but enjoyable trip,everyone!

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Respecting Our Differences

How many times do we hear parents say,”They may look-alike but none of them act the same,”in families, and yet we try to force identical behavior on all of the children. I understand the necessity to set rules and boundaries in our homes,in order to maintain equality for all the members of the family. I do not dispute the need to do so.

What I am talking about is how too many times we try to pin point each child into following the example of the child, that parents often pick,out of the family. More times than not it will be the oldest son or daughter of the home. There is even the philosophy or belief that exist, “raise the first child right and all the rest will follow.” Other times if parents find the oldest un-cooperative then they will pick the most submissive and hold her or him up as their favorite child or the example of the family, that the rest of the children need to follow.

We always do better as parents if we set the example that the children are to follow, instead of putting perfection on another child in the household. Too often the behavior of the child, is anything but perfection, but in a parents’ need to think they are raising the perfect child, they often blame that child more harshly, when they do prove that they are just a normal child and do and will make mistakes like all the rest of the children.

Other times parents are so intent in believing that this child is perfect that they will never make them take responsibility for their own mistakes or failures. In short parents will go into denial and refuse to believe anyone, who does not agree with their own estimation of their child. This will sometimes even include law enforcement, when they show up, and still these parents will deny this child made a mistake. It will always be the fault of another instead.

I think most people do understand the damage that parents do when they set their children against each other to compete for their approval or love, but sadly, it still does not stop that form of parenting ,in some cases. To call ourselves good parents when we will not tolerate anything beyond what we establish as “black and white”, reality, is an exaggeration of the word, “good.”

Just as we parents acknowledge, our children are all different, they will also excel in different areas of their life. The differences in maturity also tell us the need to raise our children as the individual they are. To simply pick out a child and expect the rest to follow the same behavior will only backfire and disappoint both them as well as ourselves. It is when we try to force a child into an image, we conceive, that we will have children who will rebel and often become the so-called,”losers”, that the parents have labeled them to be.

It can become very destructive to the families’ unity, when the child who disagrees with the parents has higher standards and becomes the real success of the family, instead, and they were not the “chosen one.”Sadly, there will always be families who would rather be right than to have a child of theirs’ prove their own judgment to be wrong, regardless how successful of a person, that child becomes. In cases where the entire family follows the lead of the parent, the child who feels differently in their belief system from the rest, will many times be branded by the siblings, especially when jealousy plays a role, no differently from the way the parents will brand the child,as well.

Just as adults have different ideas and opinions as well as different taste and some mature while others never do, the same is true of our children. If one of our children excels at sports and the other as a painter or writer, too many times fathers especially, will treat the son who enjoys something different from he did, as a child in the home who he simply shares the home with. Other times men will argue “they are girls. What do I know about shopping or volley ball?”

Mothers on the other hand, sometimes, will claim that they are just too nervous to watch sports while indulging the son or daughter who will go shopping with her. Other times it is the mothers who would not miss one of their child’s sports activities but will fail to show up at another child’s piano recital or the reverse. Children need equal time and attention from their parents and we cannot simply substitute our time by replacing it with an older sibling. If they fail to become a “mini Me” and instead find interests of their own, we need to keep our own disappointment out of it, and instead support them.

When we become lost in our own lives,children will misbehave, if they find that is the only way they can get our attention. Fathers cannot continuously expect mothers to cover for them in their child’s activities or the reverse, and not expect that at some point their child or children will act out their disappointment, as well.

To be good parents we all need to understand that our children will choose what interests them and when they do, our role is to support each child with the same amount of concern and interests that we show those who share our interests. If we cannot be enthusiastic just for the sake of it being our child, who is performing, then we need to make an attitude adjustment of our own. We need to make an effort to understand better why this holds an interest to our child. If we need to learn the game, then take time to learn it.

When we allow our own fears to enter into the lives of our children, too many times, we can let those fears stagnate the life that our child has a right to discover. Too often parents will believe that their “black and white” way of doing things is all that matters, and as long as a child steps up to that criteria, then we have been good parents. We can also apply this same theory to the kind of person we have become when it comes to accepting the differences in all of the human race.

Good parents are in truth, those parents who accept our children’s differences from ourselves as readily as we do their shared interests with us. Anyone can enjoy what we find enjoyable but it takes a good parent to acknowledge enjoyment and respect for our children’s differences, from our own.

It is always easy to raise a child who agrees with us, but the true test of our own ability, is raising the child who has a different opinion from our own, on almost everything, with the exception of morality. When we raise our children through love and support while teaching them the boundaries of respect, in return, we teach them the significance of unconditional love. They will then in return teach their children who will teach their children etc., and both the family as well as Society, will know the rewards.

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Learning From Our Teenagers

If we have made responsibility the central theme in our homes, long before the adolescent years, then we can often times see what we have taught our children, come back at us during the teenage years. Responsibility does not just mean making their school work their number one pursuit nor does it mean cleaning their rooms and looking after their own personal hygiene the only thing that matters. A great part of responsiblity also entails teaching them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and the words that come out of their own mouths.

They or we do not get to get off on being rude to us or others, because we have failed to teach them respect. They or we do not get to get off on lying or cheating on their homework, because we have made study time consistent in our homes and made it the top priority over anything else,first. Home work needs to be done where we can both watch them and help them when they need help.

If they are not asking us for help then that is a good clue they are not doing their homework. Sending them to their room so they can grab a book and pretend or switch to a web site every time they hear us in the hallway or knock on the door is not supervising homework. They or we do not go free from understanding that when we deal out discipline or punishment they will need to follow it through until they finish it because we have been consistent with our punishment.

In short then, just as all the lessons of life need to be taught to our children because we have done our job they need to take responsibility for their actions by doing their job. Do not use,”I trust my child or children” as a cop-out to get out of taking your own responsibility towards being there both as their supervisor and their guide.

The earlier children understand right from wrong and their responsibility in it, the sooner it becomes habit in their lives. Children who are not confused with morality,since they have learned to live the value of right over wrong until it has become a habit, many times, are more tuned in to the choices available to them. It takes so much more energy to lie and cheat because we are always called on to remember what it was we said in order to keep from exposing ourselves as a liar. Not to mention the guilt that often follows that all liars need to justify in order to live with the lie. Mankind was never made to lie. At the opposite end of that statement, since it is not accurate to generalize about anyone,many times, it is the parents who make the rules too strict,who have the children who behave the worse,once they find their freedom or rebel.

The chances are always better with honest children who are allowed to express themselves,because many times they are not conflicted by peer pressure or not understanding their own minds or direction. Since teenagers are no different from the rest of the population and anything is possible we need to keep in mind that they still need our direction during moments of doubt or confusion that will sometimes happen. Other times to be able to say,”My parents would kill me if I do”,offers a nice excuse for them to get out of doing what they know is wrong. No one can ever say,”My child never would.” and say it with certainty. Our chances are better with honest kids who do not have to lie in order to be able to spend time with their friends, though in a great deal of the cases.

Since self-expression as well as terminology and the way it gets expressed, is very much a part of each individual taste, be prepared to be humbled, if they do not always dress or appear to speak the same language as we do.Conformity will come soon enough,and it does us all well, to support their own desire to express who they are to themselves as well as their peers. Wanting to be different from everyone else is much better than wanting to be like everyone else,in an effort to be accepted or popular.Many times they will set the trend when they do decide to be different and if not they are showing more courage than most of us do, and that is a good thing.Creatitivity, often, brings along with it a life-time of success and contentment.

It is not the responsibility of the school, Church, grandparents or anyone else to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own behavior, it is our responsibility to teach them. The others will simply aid us or help us once we get them started in understanding that we are the parents and our children can both trust us to keep our word to them and they can rely on us to be there for them when they need us. They need to learn that our home is a safe place to return to at the end of the day when children have been children.

If we do not remember just how mean children can be to each other, then we need to take a refresher course by just listening to our children and offering the help where needed. If it is our own child who is mean and we are not handling it correctly because they are being mean to other children and even being bullies, then we need to get professional help,the earlier the better.

After all of that has been accomplished, we will have these wonderful people in our lives who are known as teenagers. They will bring home with them and their friends an enthusiasm and zest for life, at the point in our own lives, we feel our own enthusiasm is draining. They have a generosity of heart for all their fellow students, at a time, we have become too set in our ways or too complacent with the status quo. They will accept everyone because they have been taught to accept everyone and they will many times remind us that it was us who taught them the significance of doing so, at a time, we are becoming more cynical each day. They have a thirst for learning and getting involved with the world around them, at a time, we are not even keeping up with the magazine subscriptions on World affairs.

If we as parents remember that we need to start teaching our children no later than the age of 2 or 3 the significance of taking responsibility for their own actions as well as what is theirs and taking responsibility for it as well, then we will find that our teenagers have a great deal to teach us.

Many times, we had already taught them but until now, we were not always certain that they had heard. If our teenagers are not renewing our own youth while inspiring us to be more accepting of others, but instead are a consistent head ache, each day, then do them and you both a favor, do not stoop to their level and fight and argue with them but instead get them help that you both need. If we have done our job in early training,and we are maintaining a general acceptance of their right to express themselves, but there is no explanation for this sudden change in attitude, many times, this is the time that we will see mental illness and depression begin to play a role in the lives of our child or children.That can be true in poorly structured homes as well.Too often we over-look genetic factors that are often as a result of hereditary factors.

For the sake of all adolescence and teenagers, everywhere, parents need to know and understand that personalities do not just change from happy-go-lucky to quiet and withdrawn. As parents we need to make certain that there is not an under lying cause and we as parents need to be aware if our children have had a life changing altercation or attack on them, are not doing street drugs or drugs stolen from our own medicine cabinets, or taking alcohol from our own homes.

If they have not had the early training in childhood or have had early training we need to get out of denial, and understand both are sometimes the other side of being teenagers. Children many times will be the alcohol or drug suppliers from our own home or from their grandparents without anyone being wiser for it. It is also, quite possible, that they are suffering from depression and need medical help.

Do not think that teenagers will always share the truth with us or for that matter anyone else either. Many times they carry an irrational shame or fear that can only surface with the help of a professionally trained person or people. Do not wait until the school decides to send them to counseling as many times kids can be great deceivers and schools do not always see the child we see.

Many times poor behavior is shown to us, as parents, as a scream for help when our child needs help. Our teenagers can teach us many things and all we have to do is be tuned in or knowledgeable enough to know the symptoms that are out-of-place when they happen.

We can only know that when we do know and understand we are their parent and their friends are their friends. Too many parents make the mistake that teenagers are adults now so we just have to let them learn on their own. Make certain we are learning as well, from the teenager, so we can step in when needed. The success of their life may depend on it. Teenagers are for enjoying and if they are unhappy we will be as well. Stay alert,be wise, and be there, and it can be the best years of all of our lives. Not only will we all be rewarded as a family, but so will, all of Society feel the imprint we have made on our children’s lives.

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Words Do Hurt…..They Destroy

Although, I quote a great deal of cliché’s because they do ring true, who ever came up with,”Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” had to be one callous human being or had no reality based idea just how often verbal abuse can and does destroy relationships for life.

The greatest tragedy of all is that painful words used amongst children are often the number one cause of suicide amongst our young people. What children are doing to children with the use of derogatory words on their computers,cell phones,the school bus and the playground across America has risen to a new level of hate. That adults would stoop to the level of children when using the same words against their own children or others should sicken us all.

I’m always amazed when I hear mothers firing back words like”little Bitch” to their daughters or you “little bastard” to their sons and forgetting they are supposed to be the adult. Calling our daughters and sons names when it is our job to eliminate the name calling is a tragedy in more ways than one.

Even in the best of situations (if we can call it that) name calling is the one thing that women or children will never forget.When parents call their daughters little whore or slut or equally disturbing words there is never any taking the words back. The more childish we behave as adults with the name calling the more we are destroying the ability for a loved one to like us and the more damage we are doing to Society as a whole. Too often these words are being learned from parents and passed on to children.

Just as adults when the men we love or care about or our family members label us with name calling or claim we are worthless, it hurts, even when we are older. When abusers think we are just using the milder of names, there is no such thing, because under moments of high stress, if we are in the habit of name calling the worse of the worse will slip out. Words are like brands on cattle we can never take them back or remove them. All apologies will ring hollow in the ears of the verbally abused, for a lifetime.

Too many people seem to be clueless to the fact that loving each other is not the problem. Liking each other is a real struggle. The more we use words in the form of name calling or in other derogatory forms to try to end an argument the more we set ourselves up to destroy our relationships for life. Not only do we need to stop acting like children and quit using name calling as a response mechanism; our children need to be punished with cell phone or Wii removal for a period of time, or something that will cause a hardship in their lives the first time we hear the words of disrespect come out of their mouths. We can not expect our children to respect us or others, if we never teach respect.

If we are calling names ourselves then it is going to be tough for them to have any respect for us if we do it and punish them for it.”Do as I say not as I do,” has never worked and we only fool ourselves by thinking or saying,”this is my home and I can do anything I want,” or “as long as you live under my roof you will do as you are told.” Both phrases only convince them that we are either a bully or think they are stupid.

They know we not only have a moral obligation to raise our children to adulthood but a legal one as well. If our children are still living at home after they are old enough to be on their own it only tells them that we will never force them out anyway, regardless of how they speak to us.

Verbal abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to defend against. When we allow ourselves to stoop to the level of children by name calling we destroy the respect of our children many times for life.No different than husbands and wives do when they do the same thing.

We give to and sacrifice for our children because we love them and want to give to them,in many cases, but another well-worn phrase that means nothing to our children is,”after all the things that I have done for you.” Children are about as manipulative as they come and they get smarter every year. They also understand that if they tell us that such and such has and I don’t have…..a great deal of what we will buy for them, is many times purchased to stop the child from whining,to gain our children’s love,to make ourselves look good,to compete with our friends, or simply that they won when they got what they wanted because we were too stupid (in their minds) to know we were being played by them.

Too many people just form the idea that our children are rebelling and do not bother to do anything about it. Yes if we have done our jobs and taught them to be self-sufficient and then turn around and treat them like babies or if we haven’t done our jobs, teenagers will rebel. What too many parents do not understand is there is almost always a reason for those bad moods as well. We need to get to the bottom of why the outbursts are becoming more and more frequent. Parents who withdraw during this time of their children’s’ life thinking what ever it is they are just going to have to work it out for themselves because they are adults now, can make or break the difference in the lives of their child.

“Our children need to know we trust them,” is the most ridiculous response we can give to rebellion.What they really need to know is they have a parent in their life who gives a damn if they do make a mistake. Many times they are going through the worse struggles of their lifetimes and there will never be any time in their lives that they will need their parents more than during this time. They need our ability to guide them when they are in doubt or do not have the capacity to work themselves out of the mess they may have gotten themselves into,still often after they leave home, but definitely while they are still at home.

We must make them know we are approachable and welcome them in our lives. If we offer both a refrigerator filled with Coke or Pepsi and a private place for them to gather they will many times make our homes their “crash Pads”(sorry that is an old 60′s phrase). Other times if we are up when they come home they many times will want to talk if they know we are accessible and we are playing the adult role expected of parents.

They all have friends what they really need are parents.I do understand the difficulty of getting them to talk, sometimes is like trying to have a conversation with a porcupine, but reaching out to them at this time in their lives will often spell the difference between success or failure in their lives.If we are ever going to be the grown ups it is never more important than this time of their lives.

If we are childish enough to call them names or go after them on attack they will be at their friends houses getting the advice, many times, that will be the last thing we want them to be getting. Like for instance,” have another beer or do you want a smoke before you leave?” Our children only bring their nicest friends around to meet us. Those that they know we will never approve of but who have the connections to the”good times” are the ones we never meet.

We parents need to reach out and offer understanding during the teen years as well as be on our toes full-time as to where they are hanging out and who they are spending time with. When we do find out we need to ask questions in regards to what their thoughts are in how they plan on handling a situation and ask them if we can offer a little imput to the situation. When we go in with all barrels drawn on the attack and stinging them with name calling we will never be part of this important time of their lives.

I repeat that both children and sometimes adults, become what we say they are. The more positive you/we are towards our/your children and wives the more positive they will be in return and it works the same with negativity. Call your daughters or wife a whore and they will often prove you correct, regardless of what age they are.For all of us adults who do not already know and understand this, many times it is the person who is having the affair that yells foul the fastest and the loudest.

If we refuse to grow up our children will do the same. They are faced with so many mixed emotions as in one way they cannot wait until they leave home and in another they wouldn’t mind being a child for a lifetime if we have been generous to them while they were growing up. We have already had our chance and now its time we be the grown up who guides the family through the storm. When we guide them through the toughest parts of adolescence and their young adult years so they become the people they were meant to be,it will be the best journey we ever take when the grandchildren are placed in our arms.

(If this subject matter sounds familiar it is because I have written on it several times in the past. I will continue doing so until I quit hearing Parents say,”What can we do? They are teenagers,” Next to the new-born stages they are the most important years of our child’s development, in my opinion. Good Luck and enjoy the humbling experience they teach us all.)

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Accepting Me Accepting You

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

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The Movement Against Policemen and Women

It certainly must occur to many who surf the net or use it to socialize or blog that the next great movement against government by so called, “grassroots types” is to attack the policemen of America. There are innuendoes non too slight occurring all over the net. There is a deliberate attempt underway to sensationalize, undo police force, on the web today, and the only conclusion anyone with any common sense, could conclude, is there are people out to destroy the public image of the police by sensationalizing it as the tabloids do.

The latest to destroy their image is, the story of the policeman that fed the child he felt was hungry. The first was the lemonade stand in Portland. This type of sensationalizing of police force or control, in other words nonsense, will only transplant the idea of a police state in the minds of the radicals, that believe conspiracy is around every corner. Sadly, it will work with too many. As we honor all the heroes of the war today, we should also not forget the heroes involved in the gang and drug wars on our streets that are going on or have been areas of concern in places like San Francisco, Chicago and Miami to name a few, on a daily basis, either. The police men and women of America have every right to be both honored and respected by all of us.

If there is any truth to any of the stories to begin with, all I can say is “Thank God we had a policeman that was concerned enough to think the little child might be neglected and came to their aid with food. The line of decency needs to be drawn by, we clear thinking, Americans. If all Americans did treat their children as children deserve to be treated the police would not have to be concern about children that go hungry, are sold into sex slavery(the latest count stands as high as 300,000), run the streets and join gangs where the only thing that stops murder in some of our poorer neighborhoods, is, if you belong to their gang. The atrocities happening to our children are many, and sadly, many times the number one culprits of neglect are the parents. Both Police men and women are already understaffed in many parts of our Country, and we have some of the finest of American citizens protecting us all, and keeping us safe in our homes, they need to be praised and not disrespected, nor attempts made, to disgrace them, as is currently under way.

It was the right-wing, in its influence in the 20th Century, who started accusing educated Americans as well as College professors as being commies, reds,pinks, and anything nasty they could use or think of, liberal became the new buzz words. When the professors of our Universities were the first to say that Capitalism was less than perfect and failed some Americans the word liberal and leftist became the nemesis and hate word of the right-wing.

The hate built by the right-wing in America, reached its pinnacle in the 1930′s, and went on to what was known as the McCarthyism era, where every man or every woman behind every wall or tree was a communist pink or spy. Not too unlike the Jesse Ventura show on Tru t.v. is trying to make all the fanatics in America believe conspiracy everywhere, today, in my opinion.

Although there was a movement underway of some Hollywood type executives flirting with the idea of communism, it got totally out of control as a result of the paranoia of McCarthy, Many innocent men and women had their lives as well as lively hood destroyed as a result of the furor that existed in the day. If you listen to the right wing of the era,the liberals or leftist, found their birth place in the State ran universities of America. It would appear the right-wing are now trying to attempt to move toward the diatribe of America being a police state, by trying to sensationalize these stories. That is how all these lies get started. First of all they have to split and divide us, as a Nation, before they can find a stand hold to operate from. I would say they have done a good job of doing just that, at this point.

We can all agree that there are extremists on the far left every bit as destructive to Democracy as the right-wing but to categorize every ,Democrat or American, who care more about the needs of the working class and their continuation of the middle class as communist or socialists, is bizarre. By sensationalizing the efforts of the police, they can then move on to attack the Unions that protect the wages and benefits of both the police and firemen of America. As we have already seen by their advertizing and opt out plea,they won’t stop until they try to eliminate or break the backs of all Unions who were established to protect the wages and benefits of the working class. It is possible for capitalism to co-exist with the working class, American. Capitalism will never fail as a result of paying a fair wage to the people they employ.To heft every lie and fault on the shoulders of education as well as the working people in favor of maintaining Capitalism so the rich get richer is to deny the platform of Democracy.

Yes, there are bad policemen amongst the group of our American heroes who risk their lives on a daily basis, but it is one organization that does work, when it comes to policing itself. They are not always quick enough, sometimes to recognize the losers amongst them, but unlike other powerful lobbyist, they do not protect their fellow police, at all cost to the citizenry of our Country, as a rule either.

So as we pause today, lets give thanks not only to all the heroes of America that have fought in battles and wars, both foreign and on our land, but also those proud men and women, that wear the blue 24 hours around the clock, to keep both us and Democracy safe. It will take those of us with common sense and decency to stand up to the new onslaught of lies heading our way. We owe it to the heroes that fight for us all around the world as well as in our own home town and city, of America. It is the least that we can do. Thanks to all of you who have ever worn a uniform. We are proud and grateful of your courage to protect all we hold dear. A simple thanks rings empty in comparison to your great sacrifice to “we the people”. Those of us that appreciate You offer it anyway.

(please note: I apologize to you, that not a single site tagged by me on this post printed this. I wonder if it is, since I do present an opposing view from others who do have control of the sites on wordpress, is the reason It wasn’t printed? I have found that I get zapped off of many sites to do with Democracy,politics, or anything relavent. That is why I find it necessary to do so many tags in hopes the truth will be read)

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The Significance Of Self

We hear all the time, “unless we love ourselves, we cannot love others.” I do believe, in some cases, when we start out life we have love to give and, as such, we are capable of loving, without loving ourselves. I’ve heard people say,” that they are in love but they have not yet met the person that they are in love with.” In those cases I have always felt, probably due to their own behavior, that they were actually in love with themselves but did not recognize it as such. In my own case, I do know that I have loved everyone else, long before I recognized, that I loved myself. Some of us grow up confused as to what love really is as it has never been given to us unconditionally or we only felt love according to if our behavior met with approval or not.

There is no such thing as a mommy gene universally in all mothers. Many children grow up hearing,”we were an accident,the day we were born was the worse day of our mother’s life, or the only reason we were even born was because our mothers thought that they would go to hell if they used birth control”. Complicate that with parents who never tell us that we are loved, that are remote and cold while we are growing up, parents who profess to love us as we live in fear of being beaten on a daily basis, or have parents beating each other up and the whole ideal of love becomes totally misconstrued to the point that many are fearful to love or commit if that is what love really is. Often it takes years and years, before children growing up in these environments can even dare trust what we are feeling, is really love or if someone else that professes to love us, is sincere.

Every human being’s survival depends on being born selfish. If a baby didn’t cry until their needs were meant they would end up malnourished or ill. Most of us would sleep through, sometimes every hour and half feedings, because as all new parents can attest many times during a baby’s life we are so tired we are not always certain if we did wake up or if we slept through a feeding. It is a time of total and complete exhaustion, especially if one parent is doing it all alone. In many ways we never lose the need to be selfish. Some are just better at recognizing it than others. Every action we take from seeking friendship,to marriage, to what brings us joy is intertwined with our own needs being met, if we are honest with ourselves in acknowledging it.

What separates a selfish person from a giving person is innate to their character, if I was to hazard a guess. It explains why one twin can be selfish while another generous, even when raised identically to each other, including the same punishment being meted our to both simultaneously, regardless who is to blame. If it is not genetic then the genetic make-up that drives perception,in my opinion, has to play a role. Where one saw injustice for the punishment they did not cause, another accepted the same as being normal or had the capacity to block pain or go into denial whereas the other didn’t or maintained reality.

Many children will block out their childhood if it was too bad or separate from it emotionally while others never forget and relive the nightmare for life. Abuse alters and changes a person’s personality, entirely, from who or whom they would have been, otherwise. That includes people who tell their children they were not wanted and verbally abuse their children. I’ve heard parents tell their children that they were an accident, in jest, and watched the child’s facial expression crumble. I think sometimes we adults are immune to teasing and lose sight of what effect it has on our children. Many times that same teasing can send our children off to bully others, if they take it literally, as many do. Some children will totally overlook or block abuse where as others can be haunted all their lives and I’m not sure anyone understands for certain,why?

I have absolutely no regrets that I came late to the table, as far as loving everyone else, before I recognized my love of myself, because it is the reason I now gather so much pleasure and enjoyment out of my life. If every action I ever did was as a conscious reaction on my part to do or give because I would get something back as a result of it, I’m sure I would feel much more guilt or discomfort with what damage I occurred to myself, now that I am limited in what I can do for others.

I am a sincere believer in the reality that everything that we do for others without expectation or return or without telling the world about our charity is returned to us here on earth. If we use it to improve our own image or to get an, “atta girl/boy” or to fulfill some need of our own we can sometimes end up in anger,hurt or mistrust because we assumed and when our assumptions do not prove out then we get angry or hurt about it. On the other hand, those of us that give without expectations, quickly learn the value of doing so brings with it, its own reward, even miracles. I don’t even have to explain that to those of you who do know, what I mean when I say it.

If we never know or understand ourself and the reasoning behind why we did what we did or do what we do, we can become really bitter with life and mistreat others. Once we know the true damage, we do to both ourselves and others, exist is because of our own assumptions then we can learn better ways to give of our self and time or choose not to. Except of course when it comes to paying taxes and I would hope we all appreciate the fact that Democracy gives us enough, so we can at least do that much. When gifting is a choice and we are constantly resenting doing anything for someones else, all of us would much rather you did nothing instead of listen to your constant bitching or sign carrying protest.

The significance of self is, to know ourselves, well enough so we bring both hope and joy to others or we take blame so we don’t make the rest of our family,work staff, group, or America in general, miserable right along with us. Listen to the way people and media are talking. We have to ask ourselves why children bully? Give us a break! As the old cliché goes,”If you have nothing good to say then say nothing, at all.”

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Living In OUR Safe Homogenized World

The problem that exists, as I see it, when it comes to subjects that are considered taboo like sex education and abortion, is, it becomes very easy to become smug and arrogant in our little Christian world. Ask Doctors, Cops,Those living in poverty, and District Attorneys, just what the human race is capable of doing to each other, and most of us would faint away in the telling of the cruelty. That is why we need laws that are not always definable in black and white.

Pathetically, much of this behavior has been going on for a 100 years and we are no better off today when it comes to finding prevention than we were then. What gains that we made in equal rights and civil rights is being undermined by denying rights to gays. The argument goes that since Christ was not involved in social problems then neither should the churches be, at the same time they try to prevent both women and gays their State and Federal rights.

It is rare to find either male or female prostitutes, in any city in America, that were not first a victim of incest, but if we do not know it, then it is easy to believe only 1% of the abortions are as a result of incest, or that there are only a hand full of victims,even when there is no basis for truth on that estimate. People do not report abuse when done by a family member, many times, so it is impossible to get any conclusive percentage of incest. We want to believe that the Catholic priests that molested these young boys did it in secrecy, one victim at a time, until we watch Oprah and hear the twins discuss the gang rape and torture that involved 33 Catholic priest, together at the same time, and happened years ago. The details are just now seeing the light of day. We may have acknowledgement and apology but pay off in cash, is not justice, for a crime of pedophilia.

Certainly they are lying about Bishop Long, we say, because we like him so. The worse our children ever face, most certainly we tell ourselves, has to be drugs that we prefer to ignore, and starvation and even that is rare because of free school lunches and Church ran free meals for the homeless, we like to believe. Certainly we the taxpayers, who are paying less in taxes than anyone since the 1950′s, are entitled to a break from all our struggles, we are convinced of, in our own self-congratulatory manner, because we are generously giving out free school lunches. Never mind we are closer everyday to needing them,ourselves, not because our taxes have increased due to government spending(YET) but because of our own spending habits. It is always easier to blame the liberals, who new key hate word is progressive, for the mess we are in. God forbid if we were able to take blame, ourselves.

We, simply, do not want to believe that parents can do to their children what they do and have done for decades, so we pat ourselves on the back, while we plant the white crosses in the fields and believe it, when we are told that most abortions occur because women want to look good in their bikinis. It is easier to feel Christian, when we believe that these terrible things never happened and it is all lies. Parents would never prostitute out their own children or give babies drugs, so they sleep around the clock, or put Coke in their baby bottles because it cost less than milk. Would they?

We do need to think about the denial, that we Christians, are in and why we do not listen to our Religious leaders when it comes to beating up on our mates, fraud, cheating on our taxes, failing to pay our bills, secret liaisons, adultery, birth control,greed or all the other things we do and feel justified in doing without our Religious leaders knowing. Why is it then that we all vote like a herd of sheep in order to prevent women freedom of choice granted to us by the Constitution and the equal rights amendment as well as law? Isn’t that social interference? How we vote is one thing that our Church Leaders cannot influence or tell us what to do, without breaking the law of Man or God or our Constitution.

Those of us that no longer attend Churches are not atheist, nor are we out to close the doors on religion, as you are being told. We just simply refuse to break any law whether it is Man’s law or God’s law, because we have developed our own responsiblity and conscious to do the right thing, in many cases. It is difficult for many of us to accept Church law as being God’s law due to the behavior of the Church leadership in most cases. Many of us still hold a deep and abiding faith in both God and Jesus and would like to see religion get out of politics as it is stated in the Constitution and in the separation of Church and State law.

No one person or group or organization should ever be given the power to be above the law of the Land, in my opinion as well as many other voters, even though the Churches have chosen to break the law by doing so. The agreement made in the 1940′s was to give all religion tax-free privileges and they would remain separate from state and not influence the vote. There is some conversation going on to take away their tax-free privileges since they have broken the law.

It always has been in the hands of “we the people” as to if they should or should not receive the same. Many Christians see the hypocrisy that apparently others don’t see, because of denial. It becomes impossible to put much stock in a Spiritual advisor that preaches,”do as we say not as we do.” Many of us grew up, a half of century or so ago, with that in our homes and saw the injustices in the thinking then as well.

It is no wonder, then, there is so much hate going on as a result of the self-righteous spreading the hate and lies. After all, if I was blind to what was going on, right under my own nose, I might too, be confused and angry. Whatever the decisions are, that are being made in Washington, we cannot elect politicians that can clean up a mess like the one we are in, without expecting some mistakes being made along the way in their efforts. This is and has been brand new ground that needs to be broken through trial and error. We admit that there have been some mistakes made, but not as nearly colossal, as the years prior to these last two years, but not because OBama is out to create Socialism as you claim.

We are taking things out on OBama, that should have been taken out on Bush and Cheney and those of us who voted for them,(However,even that would be somewhat immature and a waste in futility, as we should have known that they were a few short of a six-pack when we voted for them) but we do owe the Office of the Presidency and the man in it better than what we have given OBama. Anyone doing the job that he has had to do with a say “No” Republican party holding him back on every attempt, was and is going to make mistakes.

I would hope the new Congress coming in would try a little honey instead of announcing their main goal is to get OBama out of office. We are all going through withdrawals while waiting for co-operation amongst the elected officials and perhaps that is partially responsible for both “the dry drunk behavior” and the meanness that is going wild. Can’t we all agree a little honey might be the better of two evils? It still has to get past the Senate and the Dem.s are still in control of that,as well. After all, respect and courtesy, use to be the Christian way. Can’t we give it a try and all just try to get along, and see if together we can correct some problems without being afraid of who will get the credit or blame in 2012?

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Christian Religion In Denial

We hear all the time about the leftists or the liberals being on the attack against Christianity,Christianity in crises, and various degrees of fault and blame being passed around in the community, as to why Christian Religion is losing it’s connection to the people. Never do we hear much of anything about the failure of the Religious leaders,taking responsibility for creating the problems within the Churches,themselves.

This is part of the reason that Churches are not fulfilling the need of its parishioners. People should never be afraid to question their Church, for fear they will be excommunicated or attacked for doing so. The more we question, the deeper our faith does become. Without questioning our own religion, we can not really develop faith. Giving or receiving answers that have been written,told,brow beaten, or brainwashed into us by somone else, does not mean we have faith. Faith is a deep abiding belief that lies deeply in our souls, that we know individually, to be the truth. It is our own private relationship then, with God and or Jesus, if we are Christian.

As mankind learns more about itself, churches can no longer cling to sin. If what was once considered sin, has been proven to exist due to birth, to mental illness, or a long-lost instinct in mankind, that dates back to the survival of cavemen, then the Churches can not simply change the history books or deny science its rightful place in society, as it has done in the past.

Christ was not so much about preaching against sin, nor pointing out sinners, as He was about charity and forgiveness. As long as Christians preach hell and damnation over charity and forgiveness they will chase off their own followers. One religion stands out in my mind,especially, when it comes to its’ ministers preaching against attendees who will go to hell or are evil, at the same time a family is grieving and burying their dead. Can we deny that this is the fault of anyone, other than the Church itself, if it’s members choose to leave it? They cannot blame the fact that it is because people no longer will sacrifice for their faith, or it is the influence of the left, or society in general has done it. As Free citizens, who have been granted equality by our Constitution, religion cannot deny us the same.

The days of blind faith being brought back by brainwashing children in summer camps, may work temporarily but long-term, it too will fail. The Churches own involvement in politics, business and its own infighting amongst the different and variable Christian beliefs, has robbed it of credibility. When Christians unite, in one Church with its splinter groups of both Evangelicals and Fundamentalist, as other religions have, then the Christian faith will be empowered to lead again.

It is impossible to watch Christians fight over who will go to hell and who will not, according to the different Churches’ belief systems, and not come away disillusioned by the idea,when we all believe in the same God and Jesus. We all decide to what extent we will make personal sacrifices for Him, according to whether the Church we belong to dictates it or not. We have developed independence and refined the ability to think for ourselves over that of our ancestors. If we are not granted our rights to free will and knowledge, granted to us both by God and our constitution we will pick and choose another faith that allows the same. That does not make us atheist,liberal or sinners. It only deepens our own resolve in our relationship with God as well as gives each of us the choice to choose how we will worship Our Redeemer.

Churches quickly learned that by forcing tithing and by loading up their followers’ farm animals or collateral against the tithing they would lose more followers than they kept. How can mankind decide who will burn in hell and who will not. As we advance in knowledge, we become more aware of our own sense of right and wrong. Communications have opened up a much broader realization of the world around us and whereas parishioners use to see the priest or minister as being infallible and a spokes person for God we now recognise that they are people learned in theology, struggling just as we are, and are teachers rather than God’s replacement. I repeat, it is when we learn the courage to question our own Religion through our own convictions, is when we find a lasting faith, in our relationship with God and Jesus.

The Churches of America, made a serious mistake, when they decided to throw out man’s law for God’s law and entered into politics and business, in my opinion. The days of pulpit worship have left us and will no longer allow for religion being above the law. It is through our own example that we lead and the example sit by the Churches do not and will not inspire Faith until they do realize that the real need of religion, is to forgive and offer comfort,without sitting in judgement, as Christ taught.

We have a greater need than ever to want our religious leaders to counsel us in ways of compassion and practicing what they preach. We see way too much hypocrisy in our own families,fellow workers,politicians and daily lives to want to see it in our Churches as well. When the Churches understand that our need for Truth of our spiritual peace and therefore religion is at an all time high, then religion will return to its’ own rightful place of respect, by hearing our needs first.

No One, and I do mean no one, gets a free ride any longer. Every few centuries the Churches have had to revamp themselves to fit the needs of their followers more effectively. That is not always a bad thing, as it does force all of us to earn our rightful place in Society and brings balance without passing the buck, judging, or pointing the finger at the next religion or person. Religion still has and aways will have, a great need to fullfill in our lives as well as to serve, as long as it is willing to humble itself enough to get back to serving the needs and equalities of All of God’s children.

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We Write Our Own Story Of Life

Each day that we get up we begin the next chapter of our life. If we all put those chapters into a daily binder or in book form how would our story look? Would we bore the paint off the wall or add excitement to the life of a person that lives vicariously through us? How would we want our final chapter to read?

At another period in life we could own our own accomplishment but anymore it appears we cannot take credit for our own life or the joy in our life without first praising God. In many ways we have taken our spiritual beliefs which use to be a personal matter and gone overboard in a public saturation with them. None of us that do have faith in a Higher Power seldom fail to give credit where credit is due but must we always enforce those views on others? Shouldn’t faith be a personal matter between us and our own beliefs?

I would put my Faith up against anyone elses and most of us that have faith feel the same but on some days can’t we just all give people a break and allow them to come to conclusions in regard to their spiritual life on their own? Remember when conversations of politics, religion, and pay raises were considered highly private and personal? We have such a saturation of religious views going on in our music, writings,airways, realty t.v., and life in general, that it strikes me that it is time that we back off as we lose more people in the long run than what we gain when we constantly force those views into the brains of others.

It is almost as though someone found out how to wholesale God or Jesus and sell Them on the commodities market. Mention God or Jesus and I will listen to your program, vote for your candidate, buy your record or book, or watch the show and buy your products. Americans we are obsessing on God and Jesus and to do so does a disservice to Them. No one can get up each day obsessing on a view and expect others to want to follow through on the obsession.

I suggest instead that we get back to our own lives and writing the story of our successes as well as failures. The reason most of my posts are all about taking charge of our own responsibilities and being self-sufficient and teaching our children the same, is too many people have lost sight of their common sense and replaced it instead with God will provide,instead of, God helps those who help themselves, in my estimation.

I hope when I do write the final chapter of my life that I have lived a life that gave more than I took from humanity. I hope I taught about the struggles that we all face and came back to the idea that the solutions for our own problems can be best handled by ourselves. I hope that I leave behind at least one person, that I do not have a moral responsibility to, whose life I made a difference in. I hope no one will feel that I was a burden to them or on them. I hope that the Dear Lord judges me kindly and that others know that their judgements of me have or had no effect on me so that they need not feel as though they need to relieve guilt with my passing. I hope by my being here I have left a story of humor or two behind. I hope that more people will chuckle than cry at their memory of me. But most of all I hope I rest in peace.

It’s a very simple dream that I have but when we do wake up and recognize that life itself can and often does have simple solutions but more times than not we shift our responsibility of the solutions onto others, we miss out on the joy of accomplishment and self-satisfaction of knowing we gave it our best shot. How can any of us possibly find joy in always judging others or finding fault in them as well as their belief system? No one will ever live our exact life, no one will ever know exactly the way we felt, no one will ever know from where we derived our strengths nor will anyone know or understand our individual Faith and somehow I am comfortable with knowing that.

If Americans do not know by now that religion in every form in America is available to them and all they need to do is seek it out, they will never know that. Perhaps we would not see the need for competition or judgement that often leads to bitter or hurt feelings between the faithful, and we all could rest in peace, knowing that we are not responsible for driving people further away due to our own obsessions or judgements if we allowed people to choose their own paths. How great would that be!

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