It’s Not You,It’s Me

“It’s not you, it’s me,” is the biggest break up line that is used or heard, by all of us, who are in and out of relationships.More times than not, there is a great deal of truth to it, and we ourselves, are totally confused as to why this relationship,that we had so many hopes for, has failed.Other times, we/they knew it was doomed from the start and the words “It’s not you, it’s me” often are used to let someone we/they have dated or been with,for a while, down easy. It is equal to,”can we still be friends?”

When we understand there is more truth to it than not, we will be wise to examine ourselves to discover why it is that we cannot commit or are willing to settle for less than what we deserve. If that is not the problem, it is quite possible our alarms were going off and it is a good thing we got out of the relationship.

Other times we/they were just stringing us/them along, because we/they were lonely and had hopes that,maybe, if we/they gave us/them a chance, something could work out. Other times, we/they may be fearful of the aggression or anger in us/them, so we/they try to spare ourselves or themselves from the anger, as well.

If you follow or read my posts then you understand that I always encourage ourselves to take responsibility for the role we play in relationships.I do not do that because I feel we are always wrong or at fault. I do that because it is so much easier to deal with pain and heal from it, once we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and we understand our own motives.If we are looking for less than what we establish as our goals, or have placed the bar so high as to be unattainable for any human to achieve,we need to know both about ourselves,first.

Many times people are placed in our lives to teach us and to learn from them, so we quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and unless we evaluate ourselves, as to why we keep inviting the same type of person into our lives, we will never change the pattern.

It is hard enough to be betrayed or hurt once by someone without allowing them to hurt us over and over again, because we end up hating them and obsessing over it, for months or sometimes years. Each time we express hate and anger towards another we hurt ourselves one more time, because we fail to realize that it is many times ourselves, who we are angry at, since we were warned or recognized something was wrong, but ignored the warnings anyway.

We often feel we can handle the problem or allow others to mistreat us, and then later become upset at ourselves, because we find that it was a far greater problem than what we were prepared to deal with.By harboring hate against another, we many times harbor unrest against ourselves,as well.

When we do this,especially when it is the father or mother of our child or children, those who are the closest to us more times than not, are hurt by our obsessing as well.All the ranting and raving that we are doing is teaching our children that people of the other gender, will hurt us,so therefore they can’t trust anyone to the point that they will find they are going into relationships looking for and finding fault,many times, where fault does not even exist.

Too often, both we and they will dismiss relationships that are with honorable people because we/they go looking for the jerks since we have taught them as well as ourselves, that every one of the opposite gender, is a jerk or a bitch anyway, so we might as well let these people into our lives. Other times they will choose these people, looking for the love they felt they lost out on with their absent parents. Other times we and they will sell themselves or ourselves short, thinking they or we are damaged goods, and do not deserve any better.

We often hear people ask,”Do I have a jerk magnate attached somewhere?” If we are opposite of the person who does not learn to trust and are too trustworthy,the answer is sometimes,” yes,”and can be comparable to those who fail to trust.

The thing a jerk looks for, in their next relationship, is how easy we are to con or manipulate.If we are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings it will stand out as a “sore thumb”, to those who are only looking for someone to believe their bag of lies,hard luck stories, or they are planning on using us. Many women as well as men will check out our financial status before and then pretend to bump into us, when it has been planned from the beginning.

Other times we may be the type of person who responds well to having our ego stroked or to romance. They will pick up on that as well and flood us with compliments and roses followed by candle lit dinners. Other times they are only looking for the thrill of the challenge and will disappear once they can add another notch to their belts.

The reality of life is that not all people are nice people. Many are narcissists either giving the appearance of or living financially successful lives, because they are experts at getting what they want for themselves. Others will betray us,while others seek out the vulnerable to use, so they never have to work a day in their lives. Sometimes they are very charming and good-looking and can peel the clothes right off of us, but it does not change the fact that their motives are deceitful.

Not all people are deliberately devious,on the other hand,either. In many cases people simply do not learn common courtesy and are insensitive by nature, because they have not been exposed to living any differently.Many a husband or wife has had to provide what was missing in the life of their spouse, due to the lack of direction or maturity in taking responsibility, prior to meeting them.

We cannot provide them with what we think is/was missing, however, unless they recognize they need help and wish us to. We can only offer guidance according to the needs and understanding of both people co-operating. We will not fix or control them to get our own needs met or to force our parent’s idea of what works, on them, without having disastrous results.

Since neither we or our spouse are our parents or their parents,but instead two separate individuals, we need to establish a more amenable set of rules, to be able to conform to the new awareness of our generation, for our own sake and that of our children.If one of us came from an overly strict household where another came from a home that allowed more self-expression, then we need to reach an agreement on what rules to keep or which to discard.

We need to compete with the current generation in which we live by determining the mixture of morality from both of our homes, that we both agree to keep as a couple.Every couple needs to agree on and establish their own value system in order to keep confusion out of the lives of their children.

To go into a relationship,thinking differently, when we neither know who we are or if our own parenting reasoning is sound, often means that we will not know if what we find lacking or missing in them, is not our own interpretation, when in truth, they are the better prepared to help us, if we do not understand ourselves.It takes mutual respect of both our differences as well as our likes along with the person we are or are meant to be, to determine what will work best in any relationship. It is when we make demands on another to be someone they are not, we need to take responsibility for our own mistakes.

When we understand the differences, because we are better grounded ourselves,we will be able to distinguish between the naive,the confused and the deliberate, unless we come from a similar background.If neither of us have been taught morality then we need to establish a new set of rules. In that case we may both be helped by tuning in more to our own short comings and changing that part of ourselves in an effort to teach our children the importance of character. Compassion and empathy for each other, or the lack of it, will usually show through and are hard to disguise, long-term.If we cannot offer both we will usually find that both will be slow to be returned to us.

If we all know and understand ourselves first, then we will know the difference between what makes us respond or react. When our feelings are mixed up and confused then we need to use our common sense and reasoning.Common sense will tell us if we are confused when we do not refuse to listen to it.

No one human being has not been hurt as a result of making assumptions that were wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.We are not different or unique or stupid in doing the same. It does us no good to get down on ourselves when we do make a mistake,but we do need to learn from our mistakes by dealing with ourselves. Sometimes we will need to talk to someone who has been where we are and who can help us reason more clearly.We need to avoid those who we know are not good for us instead of seeking them out.

I am tired of seeing the true losers in life, destroy good people who are sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time. Any time we are vulnerable because we have not allowed ourselves to grieve from the lost of a loved one,our health, or income, then we need to be exceptionally careful before making rash decisions.

When we understand our own strength and weaknesses, then we will understand where and when we need to protect ourselves and forget about hurting the feelings of those who have ulterior motives. When we do we will recognize those who operate on both payback as well as their own agendas only.

Unless we can get rid of the false bravado that too many of us carry, that it will never happen to us, because we are too smart, we will not learn to trust our own instincts. By understanding that bad things can happen to good people, we will take the blame off of ourselves and instead accept that we were unprepared but will make certain we will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Too many times it is as simple as our being in the wrong place at the wrong time emotionally or mentally,because we were not prepared or did not even know there would be risk. My posts are about learning that we can trust, once we trust the fact that we have prepared ourselves through knowledge of ourselves instead of wasting time blaming others.

Unless we take full responsibility for our own self as well as our own behavior, from rising in the morning to retiring at night, we leave a door open for jerks to enter. We will commonly know someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend are a real bitch or jerk, because many times we spend too much of our time judging them or evaluating our friend’s relationships, when this time would be better spent on evaluating ourselves.

Nothing protects or gives back more than learning our own strengths and weaknesses.Knowledge will teach us to strengthen our weaknesses, while letting up on our paranoia. Life and dating should always be about loving and enjoying because we can trust our own motives, as well as our own choices.

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We Find Our Own Happiness

This post is going to relate to my own interpretation of joy and happiness as I have experienced it, as most of my posts do.I’m sure many an expert will disagree with points that I make, but in the end, I have come to appreciate that none of us can base our own lives on what someone else thinks, but instead on what we know to be true.

I have never felt the need to discriminate against anyone, once I matured into an adult.As a result,I have been befriended by both the wealthy and the poor, as well as,different belief systems, genders and races, and I find what is true with one of us, is true about all of us.

We are all looking for happiness and contentment, in life. Many of us who have children will put their happiness first, until it does dawn on us that the things we buy for ourselves or our children, have a very short shelf life.

If we do not change our direction in thinking, “buying makes us happy,” too many times, we will resent our own children or others, that we buy for,because they lack appreciation. Even when we know that the problem is our own spending habits and we are going broke,doing so, some of us will need to learn. “We don’t always get our cake and eat it too.”.We need to understand that people who wish to do for themselves,will resent our continuous need to make ourselves feel better,at their expense, because many times in our need to buy, we only make them feel obligated to us.

It is the things that we do as well as the words we use to express our feelings towards others that, often times, brings happiness to both of us. Just a smile to a stranger, can many times turn the direction of both of our days. When we choose to smile back we share our own happiness with them.

I had been spending a great deal of my time with a wealthy person in my youth, so when the person who showed up in my life, neither had her front teeth and the sole on her shoe, was loose, the first thing that was most obvious to me, was how happy she was living such an uncomplicated life.

After having listened to the wealthy complain about having to attend another, “black tie,” function, that she was dreading attending, but worried she would be shunned if she did not, it was such a breath of fresh air to spend time with the woman, who had raised her family, and did not have a care in the world. She was retired living primarily on her social security check, but since she enjoyed good health and neither wanted or needed much, her life was her own. She was content and settled with her poverty and peace of mind.

In my estimation, all human beings are made up of the body the mind and the soul, or if you prefer,our mental,physical and spiritual well-being. When we over-balance attention to another and neglect the other, we feel restless or discontent with ourselves. If we tune into our own feelings, we will not turn the negatives that we feel within ourselves onto others.

People who have learned to express themselves through crafts,art, or creative talent can bring peace to their mental well-being but if we never deal with the problem that drives us to be unhappy, we only delay the root of the problem.We need to get to the bottom of what it is that truly is upsetting us, since we need to give equal attention to the balance of our physical,spiritual and mental parts. In short we place a band-aid on an arterial bleed that needs to be sewn shut, if we only live for the minute or the short time, without healing our own pain or looking for happiness that we can trust.

As I have mentioned in past posts, too often, the victims will feel guilt or the victimizers will pass blame.When we have been traumatized, we need to talk about it and heal it, with those who can help us. If we neither confront the truth and heal it, we deny ourselves happiness.No one can make us happy if we are ready to accept being miserable nor can we be happy unless we are happy with ourselves.

Plenty of people can interfere with our own happiness, if we allow them to, but no one but ourselves,can make us happy.No one is responsible for our seeking happiness and unless we do, we will too many times blame others, when we are not happy. Once we do establish happiness with ourselves then people in our lives can either add to or subtract from it, because we have let their emotions or upsets affect how we view or accept life.

Happiness is more than just an attitude. It is what comes from inside of us so that we live and breathe it, while sharing it with others. If we find it is impossible to maintain our own happiness,without using alcohol,drugs,out working everyone else in an effort to avoid our home, or buying things, then we do need to evaluate the reasons why, we are not making the changes that will and do lead to our own happiness.

Sometimes it can be the negative crowd or group, we hang with. We do, too many times, become like the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes it is because we do not feel good, and we cannot feel that any of us are going to feel good, when we feel physically,mentally, or spiritually, rotten.

When we know that we are a worse person with others, because we lower our own mental and spiritual well-being,in an effort to be included or fit in, we are not going to be happy, unless we do make the changes that will lead to becoming the person we wish to be.

When we over-look the truth and surround ourselves in denial, then we also are not being realistic about our own happiness. Perhaps we are the leader of the bunch, when it comes to a joyless group. We won’t know unless we try to change the direction within the group,first.

Many times, we will find it is our own lack of happiness that is spreading over all of the group. When we laugh because we are happy, they many times will laugh with us. However if they are laughing at us, then we can be certain, that we are not the leader.

The mean-spirited will always believe those who are hurt or get hurt as a result of their words or actions, are just too sensitive, so why do we stay? Happiness is a habit that is very real and is part of who we are. We find it within ourselves. We do not shove it onto others. We do not use it to judge others. We wake up with it and take it to bed with us. It lives within us when we are happy being the person we are.

We find happiness in children, who live in the present, because they can trust Mom and Dad to take care of everything. Happiness brings us back to the present, because we don’t have to worry about what we are going to do, as we already know our strengths and weaknesses.

We know or are reasonably certain, that we will react or respond according to a good day or a poor day, and as a result of how we are feeling about, ourselves. We know it all may change tomorrow but when or if it does, we can trust ourselves just like we always have before, because a Power higher than us has the last word. Happiness is truly all about feeling good about who we are and trusting our motives, as well as our love, without finding fault and blame in others.

Everyone else in our life are the extras who bring us joy or sometimes disappointment, if we incorrectly assume anything about them or try to control them. We have learned that not all relationships are meant to last. We don’t worry so much who will be there for us because we have provided, as well as, possible for our own needs.

We miss you but understand our differences were too great to over come, for one of us if not both of us, or we understand that our lives were intended to take a different path or the Dear Lord was ready for you. We have grieved and healed from the lost, and understand that we only get to live this life once so we put in the hard work to live happy!It begins with one step at a time, towards changing ourselves.

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Reviewing Our Lives

Regardless of our age it is always important that we take out time to review our own lives. Too often we can get caught up into the “poor Me’ syndrome or cycle, and it is years later before we are even aware of the fact that we have gotten stuck there.

Negativity can be especially common in the lives of us who have had trauma or lost and we remain in denial instead of dealing with the grieving process.If we grow up in negativity, we often become comfortable living with it to a point that joy actually can frighten us.

We often know how to deal with life when things are going wrong but do not have a clue of how we should respond to things going right, in our life. Some of us will even find a need to apologize for being happy when those around us are struggling. Other times people will become so uncomfortable with things working out they will feel guilt or create a problem that leads to bad results, just to get that old familiar feeling of things going wrong back into their lives.

It is not uncommon that children will grow into adults thinking that if we are not arguing then we are not loved,since it has been so much a part of our life when we were younger.Both men and women, who come out of homes, where the parents stayed together and argued all of their natural life, will adapt to the thinking that if they argue with me, then they still care about me.

In other homes where we experienced a great deal of arguing and our parents divorced, following heated arguments, couples often times will refuse to even discuss their problems or disagree when they should. Too many times arguments will mean both the signal of divorce to both our children as well as ourselves.

Couples who discuss their differences,and we all have them, are not always going to remember to keep our voices down, as the act of yelling makes all of us feel that we have control over the conversation or the person we are disagreeing with,even though there is not truth in it. Yelling simply causes others to be intimidated or relieves stress in us. Yelling is actually a sign of the loss of control over our own behavior.

If we never ask ourselves, what role we play, in what our problems are and what led us to become so negative,but instead always find it easier to blame others, we will often find that sadness,anger, and excuses or an escape to “fantasy land” have become an old companion of our’s while we have been looking at the faults of others. We have simply transferred our own poor behavior onto those closest to us, in some instances.

When we are in our 20′s, we think we have the answers for everything and then we reach our thirties and think we finally understand, who we are, and that is true only if or when we compare ourselves to our twenties. We never really know who we are, if we never question our own motives and the reasons behind our responses or behavior,to people or life. When we review ourselves, while leaving others out of the self-examination entirely, regardless of what age we are, we can become more tuned into what makes us tick.

There is no magic moment, regardless of what age we are, until we can be and are brutally honest with ourselves in understanding what does make us act or react to stimulus of both people and life. We can be any age when we do discover ourself.

It is often brought on by our own health problems or trauma in our lives. When we reach the point our blood pressure is going out of control or we feel reality is slipping away from us, entirely, many will get help then, but in some cases the damage is already done to the psychics of those we have neglected and are responsible for, since we have been confused ourselves.

Too many of us will escape into denial, before we will confront ourselves, in full and complete honesty. Many times if we are going to quit making the same mistake over and over again, we will need to confront ourselves, for our own peace of mind,if nothing else. If we freeze up,out of denial or fear,because we are afraid of repeating the same mistake, then we never make any headway in life.

Confused parents or spouses do not make good spouses or parents, so there is much more at stake than just ourselves. Children never want all the things we buy for them nearly as much as they want our full attention and for us to be there for them. Confused parents are often lost in their own emotions or obsessions,instead of being the parent we want to be.The same is true with both husbands and wives.

We often hear of people’s lives flashing before their eyes on their deathbeds, because too many people do not want to confront what it is that makes them respond, either negatively or positively to life.Sadly if we wait until then, we have no time to correct our mistakes or to renew a healthier and more positive relationship with those who most of us would sacrifice our lives for. Those who truly love us will forgive us when we take time to show them that they can trust our love,some times, before we will forgive ourselves.

We may know our own likes and dislikes better, later in life, but too often we are still apt to go into denial until we do confront ourselves, regardless of our age. If we only see what causes us to react to life and still see the problem as our spouse,parent,or a hectic day at work or with the kids, we never do get that second chance that we all deserve, to explain to ourselves. Usually we have been our own worse judge and jury and we owe it to both ourselves to know why we did what we did, as well as to our children or loved ones.

I’m not suggesting that we blame ourselves for every problem, as too often, too many people will do that,as it is.Sadly, just as many will excuse themselves of everything when it is their own life, that is falling apart, just as well. Where some people will live their lives in denial others will take the blame for everything.

This is not uncommon in families, where children were held responsible for keeping another sibling, as well as themselves in line, before we were even able to understand the rules fully,ourselves. Other times it occurs when there is no guidance or rules for a child to follow.

We all need to understand what it is that does make us vulnerable towards repeating the mistakes of the past so that we can let go of both our obsessions as well as our anxiety and begin enjoying life instead of dreading it.

When we review our own lives we often find that those we blamed, the most, did not play a role in our own hate but became a part of the lie, we told ourselves, while hanging onto our own denial.Sometimes we maybe surprised to find that we have in truth, hated ourselves, while blaming another.

In understanding ourselves we heal at least 3 generations along with us, many times. To deny ourselves and our loved ones, this opportunity towards healing and reuniting, can be far worse than anything else we have done wrong to date.

It is many times a 15 minute exercise that most of us can do on our own during a quiet time, usually in the evening, when we ask ourselves what worked for me today and what didn’t. We also need to ask ourselves what did I do to change the direction today took, both positively and negatively, without the name of another person coming into the picture to blame while we make excuses for ourselves. From there we simply take it the direction it needs to go. If we are not making any progress because we are no longer able to recognize truth or work beyond a habit or obsession, then please ask for the help of those who will guide you.

Mankind was neither meant to lie or to hate and too often denial brings both with it,while doing harm to those we love most. It is never just as simple as “She or He did me wrong” or “After all he/she did to me, I am entitled to be a bitch or a jerk,” when we keep growing the list, and never see our own name on it, we have a problem that needs healing.

Nothing is more satisfying in life than finding peace of mind and the satisfaction of waking up and feeling joy, on a daily basis. On the other hand, nothing is more troubling or painful than waking up hating a new day and making those that we love,fear us or being continually at unrest or confused,ourselves.We have no one to blame but ourselves, if we refuse to look for and find our own happiness. I can’t imagine living life being any other way, nor would I want anyone I know to ask for less.The good news is our loved ones feel the same about us, when we both give and receive unconditional love.

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Successful Families

I have written about families who do not succeed, as obviously families who do and have been successful,clearly know and understand the value of taking responsibility for their own lives, and will continue doing just fine without the financial or moral advice of others, as long as other family members understand that they still need and want as much acceptance as the other member or members of the family, who do or does not achieve,at the same rate.

Successful families will spend as much time offering genuine congratulations as they will sympathy.They gain hope for themselves through the success of the other members who have made it, if that is their goal. If they know and are honest with themselves, that they will never achieve the same, because they have different goals or priorities,not to mention spending habits, they do not begrudge the success of their siblings. Money will never pass the hands of the adult members unless it is given of the free will and clear thinking of a family member in form of a Birthday or Christmas gift.

If we do give money or help, it is because we want to and not because we feel manipulated into doing so,but we do it with the acceptance of everyone involved. It needs to be money given freely that will not lead to our own hardships, later,if we do find we need the money. Families will help out when a member of the family has an emergency, due to a car breaking down, illness,moving,fires, or once in a life-time or extremely rare layoff,etc., when they are able to help, as long as, it does not take their life savings.

I haven’t come close to even skimming the surface, of truly painful dysfunctions in families, who do not even rate on the scale of remote acceptance, when it comes to family values. These family members have no regard for anyone beyond where they are going to get their next fix and how they will find the money to do so,even when it comes to stealing from family members or prostituting out their own spouse or children or themselves. Yet parents will blindly aid and abet them at a price or lost to the entire family. They will only get better,many times when they are arrested or sent to rehabilitation. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are so greedy they would sell their own mother, if they could make a profit on it. Instead I have pretty much stayed with what has been common in families over the generations, when families fail to last.

Where no member feels justified or entitled to borrow money, or money never enters the picture because of manipulation or guilt,much less where borrowing becomes habit,families eliminate the number one cause of families failing. The number two cause of failure is finding fault and passing blame and making assumptions based on the sense of entitlement. When families fail to understand that Mom and Dad do not owe us money for our childhood nor do we owe them money for it,unless a formal loan was made by word of mouth or contract, and parents do not make their children compete for their time and attention through the use of failure, while success goes unrewarded,families do work out and last.

The reason I have expressed taking responsibility for ourselves, when we become adults and it is time to move on, is because many times it is the child that fails in doing so, that parents feel most protective of defending. We parents do wear blinders, many times, in not understanding the damage we do to our own families when we feel the need to make the weak member of the household ,our favorites. To express that this child is and has always been our favorite, only adds flame to the fire, when the other children have never asked anything of us, but instead have only offered to help us when we needed help.

Successful families do not have a parent or child in it that is lying, in order to get attention or sympathy, in order to come out as the most favored child or sibling,they do not disown or exclude a member of the family from family gatherings,or lie to buy drugs, or lie to cover for the fact they have a spending problem,to cover for their gambling,or because they simply fail to work long enough and hard enough to reach their own goals through saving,etc. Successful families do not use their failures or claim to be the most unfortunate member of the family, in order to blackmail their parents or to play on their parents guilt.

Successful families are not made responsible for the sibling who fails to live within the boundaries of the income they earn. Successful families are accepting of our differences, over being critical of them. Successful families understand that we will each be tested in our own range of life and our tests of life do not need to be compared with theirs.

It is not uncommon that those who are tested the most severe, are often the most grateful amongst us as well as the last to complain about their hardship. They can and do appreciate the lesson that has been taught them and the value of having learned the lesson. Successful families will make room for the spouses of each family member, to express their own minds.Successful families are those who if they choose to marry, will understand that the wife deals with the issues in her family while the husband deals with the issues in his family but they come first, when it comes to communicating between the two, if and when problems arise.

I could go on forever, and not touch all the reasons why families fail or succeed, but for the most part when assumptions are made by us and other members of the family fail to live up to our expectations or demands, and we end up disappointed as a result of our own erroneous ideas, and when we place conditions on our love, then our families will enter the danger zone that does lead to failure.

Unconditional love and acceptance of our differences given freely without strings attached or expectations in return,garnered with respect for each member by all members who have not suffered hardship as a result of the behavior of another, will be behind the reason, families succeed.Pretty simple when we think about it, but if our family has a member in it, who will obsess over the sinfulness of Santa Claus, then we need to make certain our minds are as open as our hearts or understand at what point or level of abuse, will we be justified in walking away.

We need to understand we cannot control others or make decisions for them and each decision we make needs to be an individual decision based on our own thought process and made for ourselves,in an effort to spare our own sanity through truth and in avoidance of denial as well as our own physical well-being,sometimes for the survival of our own marriage or other times for the safeguard of our minor children.

MY hope then is that we all remember when we gather this weekend for an enjoyable Labor Day celebration to Truly celebrate what we love about each other and stay away from assumptions or anything that will divide us, and we will all do fine. The major thing to bear in mind is,”It is a camping trip”. Someone will forget something,someone will not always move at the speed that we would like,children living in close quarters are more apt to argue as are parents,there will be tears and bites but we hope the tears are not coming from the adults, and the number one thing to remember is,”Just think how nice it will be to be back home into the routine we complained about before we left to go camping.” If you are spending it elsewhere, without extended family, then enjoy the last break before the snow or rain flies with the cold. Have a safe but enjoyable trip,everyone!

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Words Do Hurt…..They Destroy

Although, I quote a great deal of cliché’s because they do ring true, who ever came up with,”Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” had to be one callous human being or had no reality based idea just how often verbal abuse can and does destroy relationships for life.

The greatest tragedy of all is that painful words used amongst children are often the number one cause of suicide amongst our young people. What children are doing to children with the use of derogatory words on their computers,cell phones,the school bus and the playground across America has risen to a new level of hate. That adults would stoop to the level of children when using the same words against their own children or others should sicken us all.

I’m always amazed when I hear mothers firing back words like”little Bitch” to their daughters or you “little bastard” to their sons and forgetting they are supposed to be the adult. Calling our daughters and sons names when it is our job to eliminate the name calling is a tragedy in more ways than one.

Even in the best of situations (if we can call it that) name calling is the one thing that women or children will never forget.When parents call their daughters little whore or slut or equally disturbing words there is never any taking the words back. The more childish we behave as adults with the name calling the more we are destroying the ability for a loved one to like us and the more damage we are doing to Society as a whole. Too often these words are being learned from parents and passed on to children.

Just as adults when the men we love or care about or our family members label us with name calling or claim we are worthless, it hurts, even when we are older. When abusers think we are just using the milder of names, there is no such thing, because under moments of high stress, if we are in the habit of name calling the worse of the worse will slip out. Words are like brands on cattle we can never take them back or remove them. All apologies will ring hollow in the ears of the verbally abused, for a lifetime.

Too many people seem to be clueless to the fact that loving each other is not the problem. Liking each other is a real struggle. The more we use words in the form of name calling or in other derogatory forms to try to end an argument the more we set ourselves up to destroy our relationships for life. Not only do we need to stop acting like children and quit using name calling as a response mechanism; our children need to be punished with cell phone or Wii removal for a period of time, or something that will cause a hardship in their lives the first time we hear the words of disrespect come out of their mouths. We can not expect our children to respect us or others, if we never teach respect.

If we are calling names ourselves then it is going to be tough for them to have any respect for us if we do it and punish them for it.”Do as I say not as I do,” has never worked and we only fool ourselves by thinking or saying,”this is my home and I can do anything I want,” or “as long as you live under my roof you will do as you are told.” Both phrases only convince them that we are either a bully or think they are stupid.

They know we not only have a moral obligation to raise our children to adulthood but a legal one as well. If our children are still living at home after they are old enough to be on their own it only tells them that we will never force them out anyway, regardless of how they speak to us.

Verbal abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to defend against. When we allow ourselves to stoop to the level of children by name calling we destroy the respect of our children many times for life.No different than husbands and wives do when they do the same thing.

We give to and sacrifice for our children because we love them and want to give to them,in many cases, but another well-worn phrase that means nothing to our children is,”after all the things that I have done for you.” Children are about as manipulative as they come and they get smarter every year. They also understand that if they tell us that such and such has and I don’t have…..a great deal of what we will buy for them, is many times purchased to stop the child from whining,to gain our children’s love,to make ourselves look good,to compete with our friends, or simply that they won when they got what they wanted because we were too stupid (in their minds) to know we were being played by them.

Too many people just form the idea that our children are rebelling and do not bother to do anything about it. Yes if we have done our jobs and taught them to be self-sufficient and then turn around and treat them like babies or if we haven’t done our jobs, teenagers will rebel. What too many parents do not understand is there is almost always a reason for those bad moods as well. We need to get to the bottom of why the outbursts are becoming more and more frequent. Parents who withdraw during this time of their children’s’ life thinking what ever it is they are just going to have to work it out for themselves because they are adults now, can make or break the difference in the lives of their child.

“Our children need to know we trust them,” is the most ridiculous response we can give to rebellion.What they really need to know is they have a parent in their life who gives a damn if they do make a mistake. Many times they are going through the worse struggles of their lifetimes and there will never be any time in their lives that they will need their parents more than during this time. They need our ability to guide them when they are in doubt or do not have the capacity to work themselves out of the mess they may have gotten themselves into,still often after they leave home, but definitely while they are still at home.

We must make them know we are approachable and welcome them in our lives. If we offer both a refrigerator filled with Coke or Pepsi and a private place for them to gather they will many times make our homes their “crash Pads”(sorry that is an old 60′s phrase). Other times if we are up when they come home they many times will want to talk if they know we are accessible and we are playing the adult role expected of parents.

They all have friends what they really need are parents.I do understand the difficulty of getting them to talk, sometimes is like trying to have a conversation with a porcupine, but reaching out to them at this time in their lives will often spell the difference between success or failure in their lives.If we are ever going to be the grown ups it is never more important than this time of their lives.

If we are childish enough to call them names or go after them on attack they will be at their friends houses getting the advice, many times, that will be the last thing we want them to be getting. Like for instance,” have another beer or do you want a smoke before you leave?” Our children only bring their nicest friends around to meet us. Those that they know we will never approve of but who have the connections to the”good times” are the ones we never meet.

We parents need to reach out and offer understanding during the teen years as well as be on our toes full-time as to where they are hanging out and who they are spending time with. When we do find out we need to ask questions in regards to what their thoughts are in how they plan on handling a situation and ask them if we can offer a little imput to the situation. When we go in with all barrels drawn on the attack and stinging them with name calling we will never be part of this important time of their lives.

I repeat that both children and sometimes adults, become what we say they are. The more positive you/we are towards our/your children and wives the more positive they will be in return and it works the same with negativity. Call your daughters or wife a whore and they will often prove you correct, regardless of what age they are.For all of us adults who do not already know and understand this, many times it is the person who is having the affair that yells foul the fastest and the loudest.

If we refuse to grow up our children will do the same. They are faced with so many mixed emotions as in one way they cannot wait until they leave home and in another they wouldn’t mind being a child for a lifetime if we have been generous to them while they were growing up. We have already had our chance and now its time we be the grown up who guides the family through the storm. When we guide them through the toughest parts of adolescence and their young adult years so they become the people they were meant to be,it will be the best journey we ever take when the grandchildren are placed in our arms.

(If this subject matter sounds familiar it is because I have written on it several times in the past. I will continue doing so until I quit hearing Parents say,”What can we do? They are teenagers,” Next to the new-born stages they are the most important years of our child’s development, in my opinion. Good Luck and enjoy the humbling experience they teach us all.)

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Will We Ever Stop Abusers?

Until we can make women and men understand and realize that the only way we can stop abuse is for adult people, who are being abused, to empower themselves,abuse will always remain.Unless we accept the reality of it happening in one out of every three homes on every block in every town,city or village, and being protected by our Christian-Judeo Society with the power of the right-wing, Tea Party and special interest groups in their corner, abuse will remain the corner-stone of crime in America.

If you have been reading my posts then you understand that I write about taking responsibility for ourselves and teaching our children to do the same. We women cannot get stronger as long as we all hold the hand of the women who are being abused, since in doing so we continue weakening them as well as ourselves. Instead we need to point out to women who will and do protect abuse and abusers what their responsibilities are and help to empower them against such treatment. Sitting in judgment of them or pointing fingers and finding blame, is no better than offering sympathy and doing nothing.

If they do get the courage to leave then we need to be certain that they are kept safe by making laws that will keep them safe as well as providing the necessary support systems that they will need. We have already made good gains in those areas and now we must convince them through our Churches that love does not hurt. Divorce is acceptable when the protection of our families are at stake. As long as abused and neglected children are growing up to become criminals and being put to death, then we need to empower ourselves into knowing and understanding that we cannot be treated like second class citizens or worse, unless we allow ourselves to be treated that way.

We know that anger-management classes that are court ordered for abusive people,whether men or women fail. We know the laws are set up to let men off sometimes in a matter of months when they kill their children and wives and are found guilty of manslaughter. Women will serve much longer if not the full 20 years, when they kill the abusers. We know that rapist and pedophiles are never cured.

We know that men have been viewed for centuries as being weak if they cannot control their women.We offer very little in the form of help or understanding for men who are victims of abuse.A real man settles his differences with fist in many parts of our Society.

We know 9 million Morman people believe women cannot go to Heaven unless a man takes them there. We know the many other millions into the billions of women have been brain washed into believing it is their duty to serve their man and make them happy regardless of how they are being treated in return. They do tell the men they must respect their women,wink wink.

Is there any wonder that bullies start out on the playgrounds of school and grow up to bully all their lives? We as a Society are clearly condoning if not promoting the superiority of men in a Christian-Judeo environment. When we add ignorance to power we get abuse.

Unless we women empower ourselves to realize that the only way our children will be safe is for women to be safe, then abuse will never stop.As long as we concern ourselves about abortion then we will never concern ourselves about the real problem and that is our own safety and empowerment.

We know that in families where men and sons are being waited on that the sons will grow up and expect it of their wives. We also know that young girls are growing up being taught that the only future they do have is to serve her man and make babies that they cannot afford to educate if they were not already being taught that education is the damnation of all mankind,anyway.

We know there is more abuse in these families than there is in families that teach equality. We know that Church goers are being taught that people who teach equality in a marriage and home are no good liberals spreading lies in order to defeat religion,such as myself. We know that if men hit they do not stop hitting.The few that do leave women living in fear with the words and anger that continues. We know their sons will grow up and do the same. We also know when mothers abuse their daughters grow up to abuse as well. Both men and women are abused.

We know that when men and women are abused so are the children abused. We know far more women are abused by the cowards who are bigger and stronger than they are and the only defense a woman has against the men is a weapon, unless they are granted all of our Blessings and Dispensations to leave the marriage without making them feel guilt. We know the scars left on children watching mom being beaten or killed will travel hurt and harm through at least three, if not more, of the generations of that family.

We know that if we believe that incest is in low numbers and we keep the real numbers protected, then people will be less concern about young women who are abused and less understanding of the need for abortion. We know if we can keep women’s’ emotions upset over abortion then we can get them to vote for the right-wing and tea party candidates who want to change the Constitution to deny equal rights.

We know that poverty and prostitution is the number one cause of abortion and yet there is a movement under way, that does not seem to concern the religious community, to legalize prostitution. The fact that it has served the pleasure of the superior male species only and has not been considered adultery in past history and existed since the days of the bible makes it acceptable,sadly. Even when it is the number one cause of death in young women either through, disease,murder or addiction.

I have only scratched the surface of why abuse happens and if not smiled on, certainly we are and have been blinding ourselves to the truth of it since the beginning of time. The only way we can stop it is by women taking responsibility for their own poor behavior because men never will give up the place of superiority over women unless we women make it clear that we and our children will no longer tolerate being treated that way. We begin today by educating ourselves.

If he is abusive he is abusive. It is not our fault that he is an inhumane jerk but it is our fault if we put up with it. If we date jerks we will marry jerks. If we marry jerks our children will pay the biggest price of all for the poor choices we make. If we sleep with everyone we meet then we will definitely fall for one of them and it only takes one to destroy the rest of our life along with our children. Divorce does cause pain to our children but it causes less pain than watching their mothers being beaten or cleaning up their blood.

Just as we women and the majority of good descent men, who come from functional homes, want to see our children happy our children want to see their moms and dads happy and the only way we can accomplish that is in equality of the genders. Women need to take the choices they make much more serious than what a man looks like and how he dresses and men need to do the same. Character can be disguised for a while but it can’t be hidden forever and for the sakes of ourselves as well as our children we need to make it our top priority.

No self-respecting human being will want to take control over another adult human being who is family, much less call the mother of their children a whore, bitch,slut and worse.Unless we are a policeman, a member of the Court system, or a jailer we guide and offer help to people, we do not control them. We need to take ownership of our own responsibility and teach our children the same by practicing and teaching equal respect for all the God-given abilities that both genders are given. We begin today.

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We Know When We Know

Too many of us fail to follow our own instincts when we know that something is not quite right or when something will work. If we would train ourselves, to trust our instincts, we would sometimes do better in life.

Our own instincts go into high alert when danger is near by. In many ways we are not that far removed from the wild, as animals are. Just as their ears perk and they stomp, when danger is near by, we also sense that same foreboding. Our hearts will race a little and we need to train our attention towards our surroundings and to go on high alert as well. We need to learn to trust and rely on our own instincts more than we do. Too many of us just dismiss them and go along willingly. It is often times a sense of fatalism on our parts that takes over and does make us give in. Many of us mistake the warning or alerts for,”I knew this was going to happen” and instead succumb to them.Other times we think I must just be dreaming or imagining things.

If it is not typical behavior for us to imagine things or to hear things then we need to trust those instincts, more clearly. We cannot live our lives on our instincts alone, although some do. We do need to mix in a little common sense. For instance if we live in the plains and have a fear of heights we do need to either determine if we are going to test our limits by getting over the fear or if we are just going to accept that our fear of heights is real and stay away from cliffs and mountain tops.

If everything makes us afraid then we do need professional help to sort out when our instincts are real or if we are suffering from Anxiety, an Obsessive compulsive disorder or Post traumatic Stress or some other affliction, and get the help we need, so that we can learn to trust our instincts better as well as enjoy life more. I stress if fear or anxiety, is not common behavior for us, then we need to trust our instincts for what they are telling us.

I have always imagined that if I faced a dangerous situation, I would just freeze up, and go along but with age comes more understanding of who we are and a little more sense of our own reactions to life,sometimes. Carrying a cane gives me a new sense of hope as to having a weapon. I now think I would be “hell on wheels” and pity the poor sucker that would try to take me and my cane on. I came to that conclusion when a mother and daughter were having a “knock down drag out fight.” and I came between them, only to find out later the mother always carries a knife. I am pleased to say that they were so shocked that a stranger would care, that they no longer hit each other, according to rumor. When I finished talking to them, they were apologizing and telling each other they were sorry.

We could prevent some of the muggings or rapes if we would learn to trust our instincts and how we react to stress. For those who have not heard yet:Never get in a car or vehicle and leave the area because our chances are much better of getting help if we remain in the area that we are in, as versus, being taken out to an isolated area where no one will hear our screams for help. A scream or a proper placed kick or resisting many times will scare off the attacker.However many are successful because they do use the element of surprise so we do need to check our backs as well.

When our instincts are on high alert we need to turn around and look behind us, as well as, look to both sides. If we run into a store or business when we feel this alert, or in the open where other people are, we may feel like we would embarrass ourselves but it is always better to do that than it is to not trust our own instincts.

Think of an excuse that you will use if you have to make a quick dodge into a business or store. We were feeling a little faint and could we sit for a moment, many times will do the trick.Other times people are coming and going to the point we may not even be noticed as being out-of-place. If we are in a neighborhood then turn and go up to an apartment building as if we live there and sometimes they will drive on by, if they have been stalking us for a while. Do not forget to pull out the phone and act like you are placing a call. Sometimes cell phones can make us less alert so make certain you are tuned in as you walk.Do remember though that most of the attacks will happen at night-time and make a schedule of taking a different route or going with a friend and do not walk if you can take transportation instead.

If I could take a quote from Dr. Phil,”The best judge of future behavior is past behavior.” If when we are dating someone we find something is not working or we are not communicating on the same level then we need to question ourselves. If we are ever abused by either name calling or they are expressing a great deal of anger by hitting windows or dashes or even ourselves,or throwing objects at us while breaking everything in the place, or they manipulate us by crying to get what they want from us when we know there simply is not money to buy it, then please know marriage will only make it worse. When two people learn to live together and share the same check book as well as the same hours and bed we take on stress in a relationship, through marriage, we do not relieve it. When we add children to it then it doubles.

If our instincts are telling us that this person is not just right somehow, then trust ourselves or trust that we are not right for them. It is easy to think that others are disturbed when in truth we ourselves are not always operating with,” a light on in the antic.”, ourself. Anytime anyone is using anger and aggression to control us or others over their common sense or judgment to show and give us respect, then the problem is us.When we give over control of our own life, instead of taking control of our life, we fail not only ourselves,but everyone else who cares about us.

Run, don’t walk away from this type of relationship. If our friends are telling us what we obviously refuse to see,we have a duty to ourselves, to trust them as well as our own instincts that are warning us, if we are trying to deny what our conscience already knows is the truth. If, on the other hand, our friends and family can not see what we know to be true and are telling us that it is just jitters or we are nuts because he/she are a nice person and come from a good family, and we know differently, then we need to listen to only ourself.

Just as instincts can warn us against danger our instincts can tell us when we are on the right path when solving a mystery,protecting our own safety, making a decision,or even investing in something we feel strongly will work. Many times the most successful amongst us are those who do rely on and do trust their instincts. What our instincts are telling us will not hold up in a Court of law,it does not offer proof to others, sometimes too often people will use it to speculate about others, but it like our conscience seldom fails us morally. So the next time our instincts tell us that the decision we are making is a right one or alarms are going off, remember,”Sometimes we just know what we know,” and learn to trust it. We can only empower ourselves by taking control of our own life. No one else can do it for us nor can we contol their lives, and expect positive results.

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Friendship And Irritations

Is it just me or don’t we all want our friendships to be kept on the lighter side of life? My experiences have been that if we do tell too many people our problems, as a rule, they will listen a couple of times, especially if they’re women as men will have a difficult time hearing it the first time, and then will tune us out.

Most of us are fortunate enough to have that one really good friend that we can discuss the most private thoughts to,(thats what our spouses or best friends, are for) and otherwise it is my opinion, that we all have burdens enough with problems that the true value of friendship lies in cheering each other up. As I have said before, I have deliberately complained and bitched, at times, just to get a manipulator out of my life when telling them “No” does not work.Nothing in my estimation will drive people away faster than an obsessive complainer.

We all have that friend or had that friend that will tell anyone who will listen, even strangers on the street or janitors at the school, about her or his disappointing or ungrateful or equally defaming words of a loser of a husband,wife,child,friend,neighbor,boss,parent,sibling, etc. and if we do try to offer some good constructive advice, they either have an excuse or ignor it anyway.The sad thing about people who do this, unfortunately, is often times there are people who are truly abused or abusive and it confuses all of us as to if it is a cry for help or a chronic habit.

Too many people do end up feeling dreadfully guilty if they find out later it was a cry for help, and we did not know that it was until our friend is brutalized. I certainly do not suggest that if we are truly friends that we ever desert anyone in a time of crises. Anyone that does will have a very difficult time, I think, in believing they do value friendship. I am talking about the people who want us to live their life for them to the point it becomes habit or interferes in our taking care of our own responsibilities.

Many people, who become comfortable being victims or playing the helpless role, will cry wolf over too many petty things sometimes that we do tend to tune out instead of offer help to those who truly do need our help. We need to lighten up with the understanding that friendship is about love,laughter, and good times, a great majority of the time, as well.

Speaking of petty:), a real pet peeve, I have, are the people who would not sacrifice their own effort an hour much less a week of their time without pay to do something patriotic for someone other than a friend or themself or their Church group, but instead will wear a flag pin in their lapel, everywhere they go to show their Patriotism. When they then tell me.”they hate all Muslims”, Or support those who “Gay Bash”, or say “profiling by the police is necessary for our Freedom and anyone who disagrees with that are just plain stupid”, while wearing the pin, I can’t help but think they are missing the point?

Isn’t Patriotism all about acceptance and sacrifices for and of our differences and diversity so that we all can enjoy Democracy and are willing to sacrifice through our actions? (A personal aside,it does explain to me why so many Republican and Tea Party Politicians appear to have a need to wear the pin while telling those we did elect, “Our way or the Highway.” How long will we the voters tolerate that–Flag Pin or no Flag Pin?)

How about the person that accepts our gifts or pictures and we find out they give them away to another person who we would just as soon not have it? Wouldn’t we all rather that they would be honest enough to tell us that they would just as soon not take it or give it back to us as to find out they gave it away?

You guessed it, my problem at the moment is,”Do I give back the flag pins or keep them and keep my mouth shut?” I’m certainly not such a fickle friend as to regift them or to have a friend’s feelings hurt because they find out I gave them to someone else. Anything to do with politics is probably not a good gift to give unless perhaps it has to do with that individuals own value system. Perhaps I will be able to keep them in the spirit of friendship.

Gifting in an effort to turn anothers’ political views, in my estimation, makes about as much sense as a White Supremist wearing their flag pins to denote their Patriotism. I’m sure I won’t join their club but at the moment I am having a hard time in saying thanks without feeling like a hypocrit, in the process, by being less than honest about how I do feel. People who live their convictions of Patriotism, like all else in life, do not need to advertise or stoop to the level of those who wear them out of a hate grudge. Sadly, the Patriotic Pins have become so much more than what they were intended to be because of those who do choose to hate.

The other thing that amuses me about friends are those who think it is fine to say something insulting but instead call it constructive criticism on how we dress, our views, our appearances and how we spend our time, whenever we see them, and then play the victim role when it comes to,”Why don’t you ever stop and see me anymore?”

Well folks this is my bitch for the day. That’s the good thing about writing a blog. We can truly tune it out if we do not recognize ourselves in it and simply not read it. Blogs aren’t in our face and most of them are nothing more than self expression.

The best friend any and all of us will ever have or can have is ourselves. No one on earth understands us just in quite the same way as we do understand ourselves and as long as we expect someone else to understand us in the same way, we are always going to be sadly disappointed.

To all of us then Cheers and give yourself a hug! The only advice that I will offer today is to take a good look in the mirror when you get a moment,as you should see your best friend looking back. Loneliness, like all emotions, derives from our own refusal to be the kind of person we would most want to spend time with. It only takes doing for others, being appreciative, and having a dog/cat greet us to learn just how significant we all are, if we cannot value ourselves and others as the person God loves.

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The High Risk Of Popularity

Life, as a general rule, is fairly simple, it is people who complicate it. For instance, most people are comfortable with being themselves as well as accepting others as themselves, until different people start picking them apart about their style of dress, way of thinking, their belief system, affiliations, where they live and what they do. How many of us recognize that as children we did genuinely enjoy someone but because we were pressured into thinking something was wrong with that person,we began finding fault with them as well? That then is just the beginning of the real danger of popularity. Combine with it, the fact that parents are all but bankrupting themselves in some cases, to make sure their children are or remain popular, and we end up with a society that has lost touch with their own priorities and the significance of the same.

If we were told, if we allowed our child to drink a poison, he or she would end up being confused, they would perform as a robot trying to please everyone but themselves, lose their own ability to know and understand who they were or what they represented, separate from what their friends thought,would achieve, only to please someone else, many of us would make sure that we would safeguard our child from the poison. However, this is exactly what we insist our children become, when we insist they be popular. Instead we should be making them aware of the fact that they will suffer more as a result of popularity rather than gain from it. Every child on earth wants to be popular but few know the price they pay for the same.

Many times they grow up lost and very shallow as a result of our having forced popularity on them or not educating them in the significance of being true to their own goals. It is fine for children to have the comfort of friends that support their own goals and needs but if they are simply following the lead they are already facing complications in their life.Often times they will fail at something for the first time in their life, when they are away from their parents or group, be the first to do drugs, turn towards risky behavior, and be unable to cope, if they do not understand clearly their own reasoning for saying no to such behaviour. We see many highschool valedictorians become tomorrow’s failure because they peaked early in life and cannot handle the stress of having discovered they are unable to make decisions on their own, think on their feet, or are totally lacking in street smarts.

In short they become lost very quickly when left to think,plan, and decide their own futures, if they have never had the chance to do so, on their own. Some will still go on and be high achievers but they also will sometimes be the person with the Dr.s degree, waiting tables, as they may be both socially as well as book smart but be very life and skill naive. In short they have no ideal of where they would best perform in life so go on and attend college because they are confused as to what it is they do want to do. Although college is extremely important to open doors for our future sometimes others will go on and on with college because it gives them more time to avoid dealing with themselves and their own reality. They have always relied on others, their book intelligence, sports skills, or friends to make decisions for them with or without their own imput.

‘If we learn to rely on ourself and do our own thinking and planning while still in the home with support from our families then we learn the significance of being independent from our group. It is really quite simple. We all know that some of our favorite moments are those times we have to spend alone with a good book and a bubble bath but instead of allowing our child the same, we are constantly on the go in an effort to make sure they do not miss out on being popular or what many foolishly think, prepared for success.

It should occur to us all, unless our child is given time to self reflect, think on their own two feet, work towards a goal that will please themselves,and not always us or others etc., we will not be preparing our children towards understanding and welcoming the idea that life decisions are their’s and their’s alone to determine and make. How can they possibly make them if they do not have a clue as to who they are?

Life is simple, we need to recognize how badly we are complicating it in our own lives and learn to let go and relax a little, or get off our duffs and become the leaders/examples we were meant to become. Our background does not make us the people we become but the way we view life exclusively, ourself, makes us become the person that we are. So often we expect so much more of others than we are willing to do or give ourselves. When we make today, along with all of our own tomorrows, count in ways that are important to each of us, our life will count for something as well.

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Emotional Beginnings To Disability

So often people are injured or diseased and do not have a chance to even contemplate their life, prior to needing physical aides, in order to maintain independence in their lives. As a rule family members are so grateful, many times, that they still have their husband,son,daughter,wife or loved ones alive, that they dismiss the emotions of the victim.

All of medicine is notorious towards the lack of compassion shown the emotional pain of a disabled person, unless they are injured doing a heroic deed, in comparison to families who have lost a loved one. The research that goes into crippling disease along side of life threatening disease is a disgrace around the world. The religious tell us to pray, ask for mercy or to give thanks for being alive at a time we aren’t sure ourselves, we are better off being alive.

When Dr. Kervorkian seemed to be the only Doctor that understood and listened on this issue, he was eventually sent to prison to serve out a jail term because he, and he alone, heard people when they said, “it would be better for them to die than to suffer the disabling disease”, that would cause them to suffer but allow them to live. When a patient becomes terminally ill most compassionate Doctors will allow a patient to end their suffering by prescribing a morphine patch that will kill them, if and when they are ready.

Many religious beliefs, from the mystics to the common person on the street, hold that pain is as a result of Satan and we must have done something bad to deserve living in pain. So common is the belief that disabled people do it to themselves, that some people hold genuine hate for the disabled. Is it any wonder then, when people left on their own to work through their own pain often choose suicide? After all, we have the majority of doctors saying, “the only reason that Dr. Kervorkian’s patients chose death over life was because they were depressed.”

Never do we hear, unless it is terminal or caused as a result of a heroic act, that the pain was more than anyone could bear and unfortunately medicine still has a long way to go when treating pain, or finding Dr.s willing to treat it effectively. Our loved ones may hear it, after we are gone, but we will never hear it ourselves.

Who in their right mind would not be depressed when people that we should be able to count on from Church,to medicine,to friends, to family would rather blame, undertreat, pretend to understand, or act indifferent to it all, over trying to listen and understand? Throwing a pill at everything is not always the answer either, sometimes surgery or acknowledging ignorance or fault of your own will go a long way.

Regardless of the truth of disability, mankind has built within them, the unique Blessing and gift to survive. It is true that both depression as well as anger do follow through with pain. We do feel we are being rejected by people we should be able to count on. Many times it does become our responsibility to tell Doctors how to treat us, convince our loved ones we are fine when we are not sure we can go on another minute. Many times in their excitement to have us alive or for having saved our life, they will totally dismiss we are grieving our loss of limb or normal pain-free body. Many times we do not know it ourselves.

I don’t care if those of us that are disabled are over-weight, smoke, drove too fast, inherited a familial disorder that went misdiagnosed, or worked at a high risk job. The exact same way a family does not get up in the morning and thinks today their loved one will die, neither does the victim of disability believe that it can happen to them.

Somewhere, along the line, we have become such a physical fit, fear filled, or diet conscious society that we have lost all compassion or empathy for those that do suffer. If you are relating to this as you read it, let me assure you that with time and healing and placing one foot in front of another we who do become disabled, often are the lucky ones.

Unlike, all the others that probably are telling you how to better deal with your disability, I will leave it up to you, to discover how and why disabled people could possibly be the lucky ones. The Blessings are many as are the numbers that do understand and do think you will make it to where we are so that you too do know and understand. Good luck and make each day count more, when you are up to it!

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