We Find Our Own Happiness

This post is going to relate to my own interpretation of joy and happiness as I have experienced it, as most of my posts do.I’m sure many an expert will disagree with points that I make, but in the end, I have come to appreciate that none of us can base our own lives on what someone else thinks, but instead on what we know to be true.

I have never felt the need to discriminate against anyone, once I matured into an adult.As a result,I have been befriended by both the wealthy and the poor, as well as,different belief systems, genders and races, and I find what is true with one of us, is true about all of us.

We are all looking for happiness and contentment, in life. Many of us who have children will put their happiness first, until it does dawn on us that the things we buy for ourselves or our children, have a very short shelf life.

If we do not change our direction in thinking, “buying makes us happy,” too many times, we will resent our own children or others, that we buy for,because they lack appreciation. Even when we know that the problem is our own spending habits and we are going broke,doing so, some of us will need to learn. “We don’t always get our cake and eat it too.”.We need to understand that people who wish to do for themselves,will resent our continuous need to make ourselves feel better,at their expense, because many times in our need to buy, we only make them feel obligated to us.

It is the things that we do as well as the words we use to express our feelings towards others that, often times, brings happiness to both of us. Just a smile to a stranger, can many times turn the direction of both of our days. When we choose to smile back we share our own happiness with them.

I had been spending a great deal of my time with a wealthy person in my youth, so when the person who showed up in my life, neither had her front teeth and the sole on her shoe, was loose, the first thing that was most obvious to me, was how happy she was living such an uncomplicated life.

After having listened to the wealthy complain about having to attend another, “black tie,” function, that she was dreading attending, but worried she would be shunned if she did not, it was such a breath of fresh air to spend time with the woman, who had raised her family, and did not have a care in the world. She was retired living primarily on her social security check, but since she enjoyed good health and neither wanted or needed much, her life was her own. She was content and settled with her poverty and peace of mind.

In my estimation, all human beings are made up of the body the mind and the soul, or if you prefer,our mental,physical and spiritual well-being. When we over-balance attention to another and neglect the other, we feel restless or discontent with ourselves. If we tune into our own feelings, we will not turn the negatives that we feel within ourselves onto others.

People who have learned to express themselves through crafts,art, or creative talent can bring peace to their mental well-being but if we never deal with the problem that drives us to be unhappy, we only delay the root of the problem.We need to get to the bottom of what it is that truly is upsetting us, since we need to give equal attention to the balance of our physical,spiritual and mental parts. In short we place a band-aid on an arterial bleed that needs to be sewn shut, if we only live for the minute or the short time, without healing our own pain or looking for happiness that we can trust.

As I have mentioned in past posts, too often, the victims will feel guilt or the victimizers will pass blame.When we have been traumatized, we need to talk about it and heal it, with those who can help us. If we neither confront the truth and heal it, we deny ourselves happiness.No one can make us happy if we are ready to accept being miserable nor can we be happy unless we are happy with ourselves.

Plenty of people can interfere with our own happiness, if we allow them to, but no one but ourselves,can make us happy.No one is responsible for our seeking happiness and unless we do, we will too many times blame others, when we are not happy. Once we do establish happiness with ourselves then people in our lives can either add to or subtract from it, because we have let their emotions or upsets affect how we view or accept life.

Happiness is more than just an attitude. It is what comes from inside of us so that we live and breathe it, while sharing it with others. If we find it is impossible to maintain our own happiness,without using alcohol,drugs,out working everyone else in an effort to avoid our home, or buying things, then we do need to evaluate the reasons why, we are not making the changes that will and do lead to our own happiness.

Sometimes it can be the negative crowd or group, we hang with. We do, too many times, become like the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes it is because we do not feel good, and we cannot feel that any of us are going to feel good, when we feel physically,mentally, or spiritually, rotten.

When we know that we are a worse person with others, because we lower our own mental and spiritual well-being,in an effort to be included or fit in, we are not going to be happy, unless we do make the changes that will lead to becoming the person we wish to be.

When we over-look the truth and surround ourselves in denial, then we also are not being realistic about our own happiness. Perhaps we are the leader of the bunch, when it comes to a joyless group. We won’t know unless we try to change the direction within the group,first.

Many times, we will find it is our own lack of happiness that is spreading over all of the group. When we laugh because we are happy, they many times will laugh with us. However if they are laughing at us, then we can be certain, that we are not the leader.

The mean-spirited will always believe those who are hurt or get hurt as a result of their words or actions, are just too sensitive, so why do we stay? Happiness is a habit that is very real and is part of who we are. We find it within ourselves. We do not shove it onto others. We do not use it to judge others. We wake up with it and take it to bed with us. It lives within us when we are happy being the person we are.

We find happiness in children, who live in the present, because they can trust Mom and Dad to take care of everything. Happiness brings us back to the present, because we don’t have to worry about what we are going to do, as we already know our strengths and weaknesses.

We know or are reasonably certain, that we will react or respond according to a good day or a poor day, and as a result of how we are feeling about, ourselves. We know it all may change tomorrow but when or if it does, we can trust ourselves just like we always have before, because a Power higher than us has the last word. Happiness is truly all about feeling good about who we are and trusting our motives, as well as our love, without finding fault and blame in others.

Everyone else in our life are the extras who bring us joy or sometimes disappointment, if we incorrectly assume anything about them or try to control them. We have learned that not all relationships are meant to last. We don’t worry so much who will be there for us because we have provided, as well as, possible for our own needs.

We miss you but understand our differences were too great to over come, for one of us if not both of us, or we understand that our lives were intended to take a different path or the Dear Lord was ready for you. We have grieved and healed from the lost, and understand that we only get to live this life once so we put in the hard work to live happy!It begins with one step at a time, towards changing ourselves.

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Don’t Bother Me

The people in our lives who never want to be bothered by others are usually the same who are bothered by everything. If they hold a job, which some never do while others never keep a job, those who do come home grab a beer or the Nintendo or Wii and start playing. Other times when they come home from the job, they grab a six-pack,several glasses of wine, or several drinks, turn on the television and spend the rest of the night in front of it, until they either fall asleep,sometimes in a stupor, in the chair or go to bed.The family will dish him/her up a plate of food and bring it to them. They never ask for or question what their spouse or children did during the day,because they have enough problems of their own, and simply do not want to be bothered.

When they are adult children; they will sleep until the afternoon get up and grab something to eat, and watch the soaps, and then the women will get ready to go out and shop,on Dad’s or Mom’s credit card, while the guys usually play video games and then both will go out to cruise the bars,casinos, or clubs, much later, again on the cash from Mom and Dad.

We see this more times in fathers who grew up as sons,being waited on by the women of the family, but it can be just as common in women. Both can and do apply to men and women who were never asked to do anything when it came to taking responsibility for their own rooms, much less, help out with the upkeep of the lawn,laundry,balancing the budget,cooking, or in the upkeep of the house, because Mom always did it. It is always much more difficult to teach children to take responsibility in a home than it is to do it ourselves, according to our own standards, and that is why they grow up to become adults who do not want to be bothered by anything.

Many times our own lack of ambition or that of our spouse, will spread onto our children who will repeat the same sloth like existence. This type of personality, often, pat themselves on their own back, as to how nothing ever bothers them and how easy-going they are, even though everyone else living with them are continuously stressed out and under pressure.

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand, all of the work and stress of keeping up the bills,the house,our children, and the lawn falls on the shoulders of the spouses or parents, if they are old enough to be out of the house on their own or holding down a job, but instead are remaining at home to be both supported and waited on by their parent or parents.It has not and will it ever occur to people, who do not take responsibility for their own lives, that it is much easier to be easy-going, when someone else is taking care of our responsibility.

In some Christian homes women are taught the men work to support them and the family, all day, so it is the women’s job to wait on the men and make certain they are kept content and happy when they return home at night. It is the job of the wife to make sure the children are well-disciplined and kept both away from their fathers, and even in some cases out of their sight, so that the man of the house is not bothered by their noise and racket. Fathers are entitled to relax and to enjoy their peace and quiet when they return home from a stressful day of work. They should not be bothered by the wife’s complaints or conversation nor by their own children.

The pathetic thing about treating adults so that they will not be bothered, is that many times when their children grow up they do become the generation most threatened by drugs and alcohol.They feel that they were both unloved and unwanted by their fathers,and why shouldn’t they feel that way?When adult children or adult men and women, do not want to be bothered by responsibility, they too, will turn to drug and alcohol to numb their own sense of worthlessness.

The great majority of mankind do find our own sense of importance from what we achieve in life. The older we get,having achieved nothing, the more cheated, we feel when we were never taught to be self-sufficient. The dysfunction that existed in the family homes, made the children feel,justifiably so, as a burden to their fathers or their mothers when they were told they should not bother mom or dad,as well.

A child does not, nor should they ever have to understand, why just being themselves, is a bother to their parents.When everything bothers us as an adult we will find out, that no one will be around to bother us, later. Being generous with our money does not equal love or parenting.

When the self-appointed-martyred parents or wife pass on, and no one is left to wait on these adult children or husbands,they will find that no one else will be as eager,naive or stupid to do so. If we were not there for our children, it is fairly certain that our children will not be there for us when they grow up,either.When we teach them that we will wait on them until they find a spouse to take our place,we teach them that they are not worth the bother, of our time or efforts, to parent them so that they can and will grow up to achieve their own purpose or success in life.

We parents do need to know that raising children always has been and always will be about,”Pay now or Pay later.” No generation can or will change the responsibility of parent to child and not come out the winner or the loser for having done the right or wrong thing by our children. We need to know, ourselves, what truly showing love, over not being bothered entails in the life of our own family.It is always different from one family to the next because we all have different personalities and value systems that we need to live by, and teach, through our own equal treatment of the same.

It has always been a disaster, to every marriage and family, when one person is left to take on all the responsibility of home and family while the others live a carefree existence in the home.Since jobs bring with it both a pay check and a 40 to 60 hour week but home life lasts 24/7 without a pay check or let up in the hours, the entire family needs to know how,when and where to assume responsibility.

It can be more difficult to live with the person, who appoints themselves or accepts total responsibility, to be the martyr, as it is to live with the person who does not want to be bothered. Neither brings peace or harmony to our homes or family.Equality in a home, where everyone takes on their own responsibility, will always bring about a more successful lifestyle for all who reside there, by freeing up the time and commitment of all of us. Equality of the genders can not go away unless, we ourselves, ask for or accept without question, injustice.

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Learning From Our Teenagers

If we have made responsibility the central theme in our homes, long before the adolescent years, then we can often times see what we have taught our children, come back at us during the teenage years. Responsibility does not just mean making their school work their number one pursuit nor does it mean cleaning their rooms and looking after their own personal hygiene the only thing that matters. A great part of responsiblity also entails teaching them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and the words that come out of their own mouths.

They or we do not get to get off on being rude to us or others, because we have failed to teach them respect. They or we do not get to get off on lying or cheating on their homework, because we have made study time consistent in our homes and made it the top priority over anything else,first. Home work needs to be done where we can both watch them and help them when they need help.

If they are not asking us for help then that is a good clue they are not doing their homework. Sending them to their room so they can grab a book and pretend or switch to a web site every time they hear us in the hallway or knock on the door is not supervising homework. They or we do not go free from understanding that when we deal out discipline or punishment they will need to follow it through until they finish it because we have been consistent with our punishment.

In short then, just as all the lessons of life need to be taught to our children because we have done our job they need to take responsibility for their actions by doing their job. Do not use,”I trust my child or children” as a cop-out to get out of taking your own responsibility towards being there both as their supervisor and their guide.

The earlier children understand right from wrong and their responsibility in it, the sooner it becomes habit in their lives. Children who are not confused with morality,since they have learned to live the value of right over wrong until it has become a habit, many times, are more tuned in to the choices available to them. It takes so much more energy to lie and cheat because we are always called on to remember what it was we said in order to keep from exposing ourselves as a liar. Not to mention the guilt that often follows that all liars need to justify in order to live with the lie. Mankind was never made to lie. At the opposite end of that statement, since it is not accurate to generalize about anyone,many times, it is the parents who make the rules too strict,who have the children who behave the worse,once they find their freedom or rebel.

The chances are always better with honest children who are allowed to express themselves,because many times they are not conflicted by peer pressure or not understanding their own minds or direction. Since teenagers are no different from the rest of the population and anything is possible we need to keep in mind that they still need our direction during moments of doubt or confusion that will sometimes happen. Other times to be able to say,”My parents would kill me if I do”,offers a nice excuse for them to get out of doing what they know is wrong. No one can ever say,”My child never would.” and say it with certainty. Our chances are better with honest kids who do not have to lie in order to be able to spend time with their friends, though in a great deal of the cases.

Since self-expression as well as terminology and the way it gets expressed, is very much a part of each individual taste, be prepared to be humbled, if they do not always dress or appear to speak the same language as we do.Conformity will come soon enough,and it does us all well, to support their own desire to express who they are to themselves as well as their peers. Wanting to be different from everyone else is much better than wanting to be like everyone else,in an effort to be accepted or popular.Many times they will set the trend when they do decide to be different and if not they are showing more courage than most of us do, and that is a good thing.Creatitivity, often, brings along with it a life-time of success and contentment.

It is not the responsibility of the school, Church, grandparents or anyone else to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own behavior, it is our responsibility to teach them. The others will simply aid us or help us once we get them started in understanding that we are the parents and our children can both trust us to keep our word to them and they can rely on us to be there for them when they need us. They need to learn that our home is a safe place to return to at the end of the day when children have been children.

If we do not remember just how mean children can be to each other, then we need to take a refresher course by just listening to our children and offering the help where needed. If it is our own child who is mean and we are not handling it correctly because they are being mean to other children and even being bullies, then we need to get professional help,the earlier the better.

After all of that has been accomplished, we will have these wonderful people in our lives who are known as teenagers. They will bring home with them and their friends an enthusiasm and zest for life, at the point in our own lives, we feel our own enthusiasm is draining. They have a generosity of heart for all their fellow students, at a time, we have become too set in our ways or too complacent with the status quo. They will accept everyone because they have been taught to accept everyone and they will many times remind us that it was us who taught them the significance of doing so, at a time, we are becoming more cynical each day. They have a thirst for learning and getting involved with the world around them, at a time, we are not even keeping up with the magazine subscriptions on World affairs.

If we as parents remember that we need to start teaching our children no later than the age of 2 or 3 the significance of taking responsibility for their own actions as well as what is theirs and taking responsibility for it as well, then we will find that our teenagers have a great deal to teach us.

Many times, we had already taught them but until now, we were not always certain that they had heard. If our teenagers are not renewing our own youth while inspiring us to be more accepting of others, but instead are a consistent head ache, each day, then do them and you both a favor, do not stoop to their level and fight and argue with them but instead get them help that you both need. If we have done our job in early training,and we are maintaining a general acceptance of their right to express themselves, but there is no explanation for this sudden change in attitude, many times, this is the time that we will see mental illness and depression begin to play a role in the lives of our child or children.That can be true in poorly structured homes as well.Too often we over-look genetic factors that are often as a result of hereditary factors.

For the sake of all adolescence and teenagers, everywhere, parents need to know and understand that personalities do not just change from happy-go-lucky to quiet and withdrawn. As parents we need to make certain that there is not an under lying cause and we as parents need to be aware if our children have had a life changing altercation or attack on them, are not doing street drugs or drugs stolen from our own medicine cabinets, or taking alcohol from our own homes.

If they have not had the early training in childhood or have had early training we need to get out of denial, and understand both are sometimes the other side of being teenagers. Children many times will be the alcohol or drug suppliers from our own home or from their grandparents without anyone being wiser for it. It is also, quite possible, that they are suffering from depression and need medical help.

Do not think that teenagers will always share the truth with us or for that matter anyone else either. Many times they carry an irrational shame or fear that can only surface with the help of a professionally trained person or people. Do not wait until the school decides to send them to counseling as many times kids can be great deceivers and schools do not always see the child we see.

Many times poor behavior is shown to us, as parents, as a scream for help when our child needs help. Our teenagers can teach us many things and all we have to do is be tuned in or knowledgeable enough to know the symptoms that are out-of-place when they happen.

We can only know that when we do know and understand we are their parent and their friends are their friends. Too many parents make the mistake that teenagers are adults now so we just have to let them learn on their own. Make certain we are learning as well, from the teenager, so we can step in when needed. The success of their life may depend on it. Teenagers are for enjoying and if they are unhappy we will be as well. Stay alert,be wise, and be there, and it can be the best years of all of our lives. Not only will we all be rewarded as a family, but so will, all of Society feel the imprint we have made on our children’s lives.

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Accepting Me Accepting You

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

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Showing Our Kids Love, By Saying”NO”

When the soldiers came back from World War II we welcomed them as the heroes that they were. It was the first generation of women that worked out of the home. Many worked in plants to keep Industries running while their husbands were off to war. When the men came home some women found that they liked having jobs and incomes of their own while others went back to the kitchens. America could not throw up the small clapboard row houses fast enough. We think that families have always owned their homes but it was not true prior to this time in America. Homes were primarily owned by the wealthy and the rest of the Country worked for the Company store and rented or lived three generations in one home.

It was also the first generation to say they wanted to give their kids more than they had. Prior to this children were born to help out parents in the company businesses or on the farms and were expected to work in order to pay back their parents for feeding and clothing them or help parents earn the family income. Each generation since has been given,more and more and more.

I doubt it would hurt, if we did start saying,” we want to give and show our kids love by saying “no” to their every want, in some cases, because the truth is many of us got too much and now do not have a clue of what the difference between a need and a want is,ourself. How many of us for instance, have a ten pound bag of flour and sugar in our own homes and can bake from scratch? Know that hair permanents and nails can be done at home or massages and spas are not common around many homes in America? Gas ovens and televisions in each room are not needs?

I certainly do not recommend that we parents that give our children everything, deprive ourselves of the rewards of our own doing, because in many instances, parents do that naturally for their kids,anyway. I do believe our children need to hear that becoming adults and accepting responsibilities does mean we earn our rewards. If we all looked around our own homes, and asked ourselves, would we know what is a need as versus a want? Would you know the difference? Did you name the house, itself, since rentals are going left unwanted and home ownership has never been a guarantee but instead should be provided strictly on our own ability to provide and budget? The government has never owed us private ownership of a house at anytime in Democracy.

Although, most of us no longer abuse our children with beatings, we have developed a new form of abuse, and that is showing our love through material goods and in some cases,false expectations. Don’t you think when your children look around their homes and hear,”I want to give my children more than I had” they must be totally lost as to what it is we don’t have? Isn’t it time that we tell our kids “no” because we want you to have both the honor and privilege of feeling a sense of accomplishment for having earned what you have. We love you enough to say, “No” might not be a bad idea for a new phrase to replace the old tired and tried phrase, “we want you to have more than we had.” In many cases when children have everything, we rob both their natural drive and ambition, from them. How many of us are aware that 1/3 of the prison population were the kids that were not told “No”? Is it any wonder that we are finding out that our children have less self-esteem as civilization advances?

In giving them everything, we also rob their creative spirits as well. We have children not unlike robots or zombies that become incapable of making in-depth or considerate, respectful, decisions or very lacking in common sense. When they have everything, doesn’t that leave drugs and alcohol, as the only things that they are being denied? Don’t you think that would have as much appeal to them as say, the apple had for Adam and Eve? I personally think, going way back then, mythology was teaching us the lesson of what happens to mankind, when they have everything and are only denied one thing, don’t you?

I’m thinking it might not be a bad idea for me, grandma, to take to heart as well, before I get all of my Christmas shopping done. Then again the kids do put their foot down, and it is the only time of the year that I do get to spoil?????…………………Not so easy done as said. Enjoy your day, everyone.

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Free Will and Intellect and What Are We Owed?

The two areas in our lives that are becoming more blurred all the time, in my opinion, are what and exactly are we owed and who and what exactly has the right to our free will and intellect. I will try to keep it short and sweet and to the point, as the answers are nothing and no one, once we become of age.

When we are children, our parents owe us an education,protection,one set of clothes on our back and shoes on our feet,food in our stomachs,medical care, and a roof over our heads. Once we become adults, no matter how many times we announce,”that we did not ask to be born,” it is our responsibility to do all and the same for ourselves. Anything we get as both children and adults beyond that, is strictly based on the good will or charity of our parents. Without charity at home most of us would never have the head start in life that most of our parents give willingly and cheerfully. For those of us to think that somehow Uncle Sam or Corporate America owes us the same, is where the lines start becoming less clear.

Since it is easy to answer the question:” as to who do we owe our free will and intellect?” that we all own, regardless of gender, race,creed or color, I will answer it first. Once we become adults and are no longer living under the roof or having our needs met or provided for us by our parents and their guidance;No one on earth, not our parents, boy/girl friend, spouse,Church,employer,government or corporate have a right to infringe on or usurp our own right to think for ourself and to choose.

That includes what we think,what we believe in, on all levels of our life,who we marry, where we work and how we vote. Absolutely everything that makes us the person that we are and become, is in our hands to determine for ourselves, once we move out of the homes provided for us by our parents. Along with the awesome freedom, when we live in America, comes the responsibility to obey ALL the laws of our land and to provide for our own mental,physical and spiritual needs on what level we choose or are capable of providing.

When we work at Corporate America we are owed an honest days pay for an honest days work along with the benefits that many of us pay into or are guaranteed to us before they hire us. Corporate does not owe us a job even when it feels we are qualified for the same. That is why education beyond highschool along with the willingness to travel or move, is so important to the well-being of our livelihood. Government at the same token, owes us nothing more than what “we the people” have paid into. If the voters of the land chose to take away even those entitlements, that we have paid into, tomorrow, we would be entitled to nothing. That is why giving away our vote to anyone person or group,regardless of what function they play in our lives, has paramount importance to it.

One of the biggest divides between the Republican Party as vs. the Democratic Party, in their philosophy is ,to what effect, we as a civilized Nation, do morally owe our less fortunate brothers and sisters that are often hit with hardship, amongst us. Many times ,in my opinion, common sense along with our experience tells many of us, that when people refuse to give, they often times are the first to need the benefits of the more generous amongst us, and many times become the loudest with their complaints, when they do not receive.

It does, many times, depend on how important it is to a Democracy to become the people we wish to be, that does make us the person that many of us wish to become. Giving back, for a great many of us, becomes a necessity for peace of mind and joy of living. In short, our own well-being and happiness, often times depends on remaining the great Democracy that others have fought and died for, regardless of what walk of life we start from, as that is what keeps us United, even while living in opposite parts of our Nation.

So much of what makes both family and America great, is as a result of the good will and charity of both, “we the people” as well as our family. When they both lend a hand to our own well-being it should earn both gratitude and appreciation. We all would be well advised to remember just how important our current Democracy is to all of us, and to understand and remember, to what extent we owe both it as well as family, instead of feeling entitlement as to what they owe us.

Nothing is more precious that living in an American society and that is the reason so many have sacrificed their life to maintain our Democracy,as it is. Again, all well bodied healthy adults are responsible for their own success or failure as well as peace of mind. Use the gifts that each of us are fortunate enough to receive through the genetics of our ancestors, or if we are a believer,God, and make it count.

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The High Risk Of Popularity

Life, as a general rule, is fairly simple, it is people who complicate it. For instance, most people are comfortable with being themselves as well as accepting others as themselves, until different people start picking them apart about their style of dress, way of thinking, their belief system, affiliations, where they live and what they do. How many of us recognize that as children we did genuinely enjoy someone but because we were pressured into thinking something was wrong with that person,we began finding fault with them as well? That then is just the beginning of the real danger of popularity. Combine with it, the fact that parents are all but bankrupting themselves in some cases, to make sure their children are or remain popular, and we end up with a society that has lost touch with their own priorities and the significance of the same.

If we were told, if we allowed our child to drink a poison, he or she would end up being confused, they would perform as a robot trying to please everyone but themselves, lose their own ability to know and understand who they were or what they represented, separate from what their friends thought,would achieve, only to please someone else, many of us would make sure that we would safeguard our child from the poison. However, this is exactly what we insist our children become, when we insist they be popular. Instead we should be making them aware of the fact that they will suffer more as a result of popularity rather than gain from it. Every child on earth wants to be popular but few know the price they pay for the same.

Many times they grow up lost and very shallow as a result of our having forced popularity on them or not educating them in the significance of being true to their own goals. It is fine for children to have the comfort of friends that support their own goals and needs but if they are simply following the lead they are already facing complications in their life.Often times they will fail at something for the first time in their life, when they are away from their parents or group, be the first to do drugs, turn towards risky behavior, and be unable to cope, if they do not understand clearly their own reasoning for saying no to such behaviour. We see many highschool valedictorians become tomorrow’s failure because they peaked early in life and cannot handle the stress of having discovered they are unable to make decisions on their own, think on their feet, or are totally lacking in street smarts.

In short they become lost very quickly when left to think,plan, and decide their own futures, if they have never had the chance to do so, on their own. Some will still go on and be high achievers but they also will sometimes be the person with the Dr.s degree, waiting tables, as they may be both socially as well as book smart but be very life and skill naive. In short they have no ideal of where they would best perform in life so go on and attend college because they are confused as to what it is they do want to do. Although college is extremely important to open doors for our future sometimes others will go on and on with college because it gives them more time to avoid dealing with themselves and their own reality. They have always relied on others, their book intelligence, sports skills, or friends to make decisions for them with or without their own imput.

‘If we learn to rely on ourself and do our own thinking and planning while still in the home with support from our families then we learn the significance of being independent from our group. It is really quite simple. We all know that some of our favorite moments are those times we have to spend alone with a good book and a bubble bath but instead of allowing our child the same, we are constantly on the go in an effort to make sure they do not miss out on being popular or what many foolishly think, prepared for success.

It should occur to us all, unless our child is given time to self reflect, think on their own two feet, work towards a goal that will please themselves,and not always us or others etc., we will not be preparing our children towards understanding and welcoming the idea that life decisions are their’s and their’s alone to determine and make. How can they possibly make them if they do not have a clue as to who they are?

Life is simple, we need to recognize how badly we are complicating it in our own lives and learn to let go and relax a little, or get off our duffs and become the leaders/examples we were meant to become. Our background does not make us the people we become but the way we view life exclusively, ourself, makes us become the person that we are. So often we expect so much more of others than we are willing to do or give ourselves. When we make today, along with all of our own tomorrows, count in ways that are important to each of us, our life will count for something as well.

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Accepting Disability

Congratulations! By now you and your loved ones as well as the medical profession, are all on the same page. I would not interfere with or suggest that I know how or why you reached this mile stone in your life, but I understand as you must have, that we each have our own path to take when reaching this point.

If you have followed my posts, then you understand as I do, that I cannot write about the disabled through mental illness, severely brain-damaged, catatonic, or severely paralyzed as, I, just like you, have never experienced this type of disability. Just as there are stages in cancer or heart disease there are also stages in disability. Sometimes, especially with injury, it is a very slow progression, if it progresses at all, and with others, that include disease, it can be fairly rapid. I do believe it is safe to say though that regardless of the disability, unless we have reached the mental state of acceptance, none of us do totally understand how we will react or respond a year from now.

I hope that by talking about my own experience then, I can help you discover,as I have, that the mind needs to be in the place of acceptance in order for the body to respond accordingly. When I reached the point that I understood any further testing would simply update medical records and bring no further relief or change of treatment to me and that.” it was what it was,” then I understood,I was left with nothing further than accepting what I could do and what would be very painful to do.

I began my introduction to the idea that things would never be normal in my life, as I had planned it, when my body was sending out all kinds of warning signals that seemed to be untreatable but at the same time was raising my blood pressure. Along with the disabling disease that caused a great deal of pain, I was reacting to the treatment. Our children were still quite young as I was only 28 years of age, and initially I could not distinguish between symptoms of what ailed me, versus symptoms of drug reactions. It is extremely difficult to do, especially when the diagnosis is inaccurate or someone has deemed themselves God in our lives, and decided to withhold the truth from us, by playing down our symptoms when we ourselves already are experiencing debilitating pain.

I went through all the emotional upset and trauma that we all go through as I had always had the attitude that it would be easier for me to die than to be disabled. I, like everyone else, had heard of,” all the miracles of modern medicine” so it came as a shock to me that medicine could not cure everything much less not be able to treat everything. Just like you, I asked the question, “why me” until I was able to answer it with “why not me?” All kinds of mistakes were made by me and those around me, and I definitely suffered dark periods in my life. Whenever they attempted to treat one area of my body then it would throw off another system of my body. This is quite common in treating the central nervous system.

Many times I had to complain for several years before I was taken seriously about my complaint once the Dr.s did get the diagnosis correct. There was a real sense of, “we can’t do anything about her complaint so lets find something wrong elsewhere and get her to concentrate on that.” I would advise everyone prior to having surgery of any type to ask if it is elective or mandatory for the condition in which you need relief. It took me much too long to see past this ploy, I’m afraid.

In short it was a helluva place for me to be as I tried to protect my loved ones from it and never spent a day in bed outside of when I was hospitalized. I went ahead and took care of my own responsibilities along with most everyone elses, other than my immediate family who understood as they lived with me, until I reached the point that to push myself any harder was very destructive to both myself as well as my longevity.

Still today I will go ahead and do something that causes a great deal of pain like refinish a piece of furnish just in order for me to understand that if I had effective pain treatment I would not be physically disabled. Effective pain treatment at this point would definitely put me into an almost catatonic state due to the increase of the necessary amount of drugs it would take to allow me to operate pain-free and under normal ability. Sadly, I am allergic to the standard form of treatment for my particular disease.

At the very least, abusing or increasing substantially, the only drugs available to my treatment themselves, would lead to mental confusion,anxiety and depression, if not cause early death, so I gladly live with the pain treatment that dulls pain if I do little to nothing. I can still determine to what length of time and rest I can take and still feel well enough to enjoy my life. I plan on staying in charge of my brain since I do have less and less to say about my physical abilities and must use the necessary aids available to me.

With all diseases, there are good days and bad days. My best days will always be the days that I can accomplish doing some of what I want to do. Many times because I have developed interests in oil painting,collecting,reading,genealogy,research and writing I can have a terrific day doing very little according to Society’s point of view, and still be relatively pain-free, as well. I can do most hobbies upwards of an hour a day. Most of us will learn that we have never really done what it is that we truly love doing, prior to our injury. At this point it is all about keeping my mind healthy to both concentrate, learn, and to becomes less dependent on the pain treatment.

I understand that on days that I want to do something I will pay the price in pain but I prefer doing it, to being waited on by a caregiver and being bed or chair bound permanently, due to the fact that my mind has been lessened as a result of pain treatment. Since pain is no longer relieved by rest my tolerance to pain has built naturally over the years. There is a real danger with Doctors either under-treating or over-treating with pain medication so make sure, you yourself, knows the difference.

Long story short, it is my hope that all of you can and do reach the point that you have cried your last tear, yelled out of anger and frustration, for the last time, and found genuine peace in the things that you can do. I hope you find real joy of waking up each day knowing that you and only you are still in charge of the areas in your life that matter the most.

I hope you never question or listen to what people who have never experienced your level of disability have to say on the subject.(unless they are medically or spiritually trained to offer relief or peace of mind or are kind enough to act as your caregiver and to listen to you) I hope you have found a Dr. that will be honest with you and help when you do ask for help. I hope you know to celebrate and rejoice in what you can do and no longer grieve what you can not do.

I hope you have learned the value of this moment,hour, day and see the beauty in each day. I hope if you require a caregiver and still have responsibilities that you do not ask others to do what you can still do ,yourself. I hope you have a good imagination that allows you to figure out a different way of doing the same thing that you use to do and have learned patience in doing so.

I hope you get a genuine”kick” or “hoot” out of life and count your Blessings for being a part of the human race, regardless of what the ignorant or ill-informed seem to think or believe to the contrary. I hope you despise sympathy and understand and empathize with others who have less than you do. But most importantly of all, I hope you do know your own strengths as well as your own limitations, and have a support system that applauds you for knowing the difference. If that includes no one more than yourself and a good book and you still know the joy of waking up each day, then you have made it, my friend. I do know it is all possible with the right attitude, just as you have already learned, yourself. Congratulations! I’m proud of you!

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Disability Before Acceptance

The in-between stage, from the shock to acceptance of disability, can be and often is a time of turmoil. Even if family is slow to accept or the medical profession itself is not responding to our symptoms, most of us find that we can not deny those strange things that are happening to us, in our own bodies. The next big step is in the frustration of getting family to accept it. In some cases where it is disease over injury, just getting the medical profession, itself, to understand can be an equal frustration.

I recommend family get all the necessary help and opinions that are available to them, as well as research on their own, so that they can understand the disease as well as ask questions based on the same. This is not a time to hide behind denial, manipulation, or intimidation, as the sooner we react the better the results will become, in many cases. Doctors,as a rule, will be slow to volunteer any information unless we do ask the questions.

Once we do get over the shock of understanding that so little is still known or understood about the central nervous system (the system most effected by disease or injury that leads to disability) then we understand a bit better why the answers are not coming. Any of us that do deal with chronic disease or injury get a quick lesson in,” the lesson of cause and effect”, because the medical profession is still leap years away from understanding or knowing what does cause most diseases.

I have had Doctors who leave the room and send in the nurse without answering my questions when I do ask questions and have been yelled at for asking them,told there was something going on in my own environment causing it, treated like it was hopeless so why bother, lied to, and heard a lot of, “we simply do not know the answers.” If your Doctor is not forth coming with answers or explanations, then get another opinon. Doctors, themselves, many times get frustrated and their behavior or bedside manner can add to the already difficult position that many of us face. People react differently to stimulus or answers and because Doctors treat on averages instead of individuals, many times the treatments themselves are either ineffective or can jeopardize our health further.

We all reach our level of acceptance with trial and error and many times feel very lonely in the process. People as a general rule can be insensitive, rude or very unkind as well as reverse and become terribly understanding. Do not give up on them, but if it is necessary to put distance in between, then do so. It is a time to surround ourselves with a strong support system or to accept that we are in it for the duration.

Just a note, to the people who will set themselves up to be caregivers or inherit the job. The more you accept the fact that the disabled person needs to test and find out their own abilities and or limitations the easier it will be for both of you. Many times caregivers will baby or accuse the disabled person out of their own frustrations and this only adds to an already difficult time. For the most part the more normal we make life the better the results. If it is a child that needs to be taught right from wrong then teach them the same as you would the rest of the children in the household. Even if it requires repeating and repeating it is important, regardless of the disease or injury, they learn to behave. It clearly will add to the difficulty, but disabled children that grow up to not understand their own responsibilities to society, often times become a further statistic.

With time and a lot of communication and many wonderful people to compensate for the jerks that exist in all “walks of life” when it comes to disability,everything is possible. Hope for the best while preparing for the worse and the results can often times be amazing. We must base that on the accomplishment of the disabled and the functional ability of the same.

Do not get caught up on who can do what or think age matters as many times it does not. Nothing will teach gratitude, acceptance of the unknown, release of fear and knowing and understanding our own priorities in life, more than what the lessons that currently lie ahead of you will teach. Good luck and do not misplace your direction, but expect to fall off the path a time or two, as it is expected and normal to do so.

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Power Chair Versus Electric Scooter

When the time came that I was no longer willing to depend on being pushed in a regular wheel chair in order to maintain a length with normalcy, I was sent to the physical therapist by my Doctor to be measured for a power chair. Naive as I was, I did not know or understand the options available to me so I will try to educate those of you that are in the position I was in.

My particular disease will allow for sporadic walking, currently. This means I can walk to a table and be seated or go through a small antique store or do limited walking and standing with a cane, and with the knowledge that I have to be willing to suffer pain and discomfort in doing so. Due to injury to my arms as well as my legs as a result of both lower and upper spine deterioration, I am not able to use the large wheeled hand-operated wheelchair that I can empower myself. I would definitely encourage this mode of transportation for those that still have upper body strength as muscles that are not used are lost.

I have since learned more about the availability of what I like to refer to as toys available to the disabled and will give you my take on both. Unless you get a foldable power chair that will break down or fold up and be placed into a trunk of a car you will need both a van and a lift of some type to put the chair into the van. In my case since I and my husband both are taller than normal, it required a custom van that would allow for standing. Regardless of the type of lift you do get, they have not yet perfected them to run consistently with the doors opening effectively each time. If you go this route, you soon learn to only enter or exit on a flat service, for more operable use of both.

Although I have never had the foldable or take apart power chair, I have checked into them and tried them out but found, in my opinion, for them to be fairly cheaply made and the price difference reflects that. Power chairs when recommended by Dr.s are paid for by the Insurance Companies. Medicare rarely if ever pays for them. The other large difference between the foldable light weight power chair and the regular power chair, is the lack of speed and power to both climb and dislodge from ruts, since in order for the light weight chair to be loaded by hand. it takes considerably smaller batteries to run.

A typical power chair that needs a lift weighs in at approximately 250 pounds due to larger and heavier duty batteries, whereas a portable or foldable one can weigh as little as 40 pounds. I applaud the power chair business that works with the medical field in developing the power chair as I have had little to no problems with the standard chair that requires a lift.

Scooter companies, I also own a scooter, works as a retail outlet and it becomes important that we understand like all retail companies there are good and not so good ones. Check out a consumers report site or magazine on the ones ranked the best before buying. Although there are also foldable and breakdown (can be taken apart without tools) in the scooters they also have the same power deficiencies as the power chair when it comes to both power and speed, when they are of the light weight variety. Scooters with three wheels will turn in a smaller circle than with the 4 wheels but they also are more susceptible to upsetting if turned too sharply.

If we want to use our chairs and scooters outdoors on more rugged terrain or on a beach the standard size chair and scooter are going to be a must. If you only need a scooter or chair to shop or enter casinos,businesses or Church then the foldable or break-apart will perhaps suffice, but I repeat that they do not have the power to pull or become dislodged from what sometimes is nothing more than a small rut and they can not be pushed beyond the power of the battery to pull itself out of the hole.

The standard power chair will meet all requirements for any need for the disabled but the aggravation of trying to get a lift and automatic doors to respond can be and is a consistent problem when using them. We have had to remove both bolts and carry a rope in order to tie doors shut or to crank in the lift. This is simply something that most disabled people are not capable of doing since most of us cannot bend sufficiently,get up and down off of a floor, or are paralyzed. I would also warn that all power chairs have hollow tires with tubes much as a bicycle and they can be or are punctured by nails,Texas sand burrs, glass etc. The scooters are solid rubber tires and do not ever go flat.

I much prefer the power chair to the scooter as they do turn on a dime and can get in and out of places a scooter will never be able to get in and out of. I was fortunate that I was steered to go that direction first. The custom van (some people may be able to make a standard van work) will run between $55,000 to $60,000 and this is money a great many people simply do not have. There is State aid of some type, I did not look into it, for the lifts but we are all on our own to raise the money for our vans.

All scooters, even when they are not advertised to be, are able to be taken apart, as a rule. They are idea to do outdoor activities as they can be both hand loaded when taken apart in 4 easy pieces, and have both fairly good power and speed if they are of the more heavy-duty type. Since the tires are made of solid hard rubber they never go flat. They are not covered by health insurance, as a rule, and need to be paid for out of our own pockets.

They are much less expensive and need a wide berth to turn, especially when using the four wheel. If we try to shop with a scooter we will need to be prepared to back up when there is traffic in the aisle as versus turning around as we can with the chair. The scooters however, are able to get in and out of a single door easier that the power chair. For the most part, the scooter is more of a transportation need and requires far less dollar output but is not to be mistaken for use where medical requirements are needed for the use of a chair.

Since it does not require the same level place to both load and unload due to the fact that there is no lift required, I much prefer taking the scooter on vacation with me, and using the power chair for shopping. It is a personal choice on my part.

I still use strictly a cane or canes while in and around my home, with the advantage of carrying a lightweight stool, and recommend that everyone that can, devise a system for themselves, that will give them better ability to develop over-all muscle strength, when possible. Any time spent out of both the scooter or chair will prolong our own ability to perform for ourselves as well as others, when possible, as well as maintain our own independence. Although both the electric scooter and powerchair will give us much more freedom outside of our homes and enable us to live more independently from requiring help from others. I hope I have offered you some help here, as I found very little to none, when I needed to know the difference.

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