The Risk Within

I have written many posts, at this point, on taking responsibility. My intention is to express to all, what we often find as fault or blame in others, can actually be as a result of a short coming, within ourselves.

I do not blame the victims or believe that anyone who is being mistreated should ever feel it is their fault. I simply want people to question,themselves, why they do tolerate such behavior and to find what changes they can make,to improve their own lives. Too often we never do ask ourselves what it is we can do or need to do, to improve our own lives. It is always easier to blame others than it is to look for or find solutions for ourselves.

As difficult as it is to accept,for some, the truth is that too many times we do become no different from robots, who go about our daily lives never questioning those who are controlling us or ourselves, if we have a strong urgency to control others, who do fine, without our need to control. We can become apathetic,indifferent,a bully, or too complacent or trusting with the people and power of the World that goes on around us, just as we can with ourselves.

If we simply follow routine, that we have slipped into and take programming from others in our lives, we can often wake up to discover, when the relationship ends, that we have taken too many people in our lives for granted or accepted too poor of a treatment,for ourselves.

As long as we insist that we do not care for politics or feel a need to vote, because we incorrectly think both parties are just alike,or we give our vote to another, without thought, we can often end up to discover the party that protects oil companies and big business is the same that allows Democracy to erode. We must always remember, for instance, that oil companies will and do control the politics of States where oil is King, such as Wyoming,Oklahoma and Texas.No different than what tourism is to Disneyland or Disney World.

If our daily life, ends up with our free time being limited by other’s recommendations or dedicated to the inter-net, some television and radio broadcasts that are not concerned with the truth or the news, but instead report slanted views, and we believe the lies that are often spread through the social media and paid ads, we can too often, end up believing lies over truth, not to mention, without having an original thought of our own.

Without educating ourselves, to the reality and truth over perceptions, the knowledge of which party or candidate will do the best job for us and the middle class,will be lost in ignorance or lies, when we do go to the polls and vote. When this happens it is sometimes ourselves, who are the most ill-equipped to vote,not to mention the most dangerous to Democracy.

It is easy to get caught up in our day-to-day habits and routine, to the point that we become lost to ourselves or perform as robots,never questioning the reality of what we are doing or hearing. The longer we do it the more accepting we become of things that do not make sense, when questioned.

It is not something that we are always aware of, in fact most of us do not even have a clue, until we do have trauma take place in our lives, and it forces us into acknowledging what we have accepted as truth, without questioning, a great deal of the time was merely perception, and does not even come close to being the truth.A for instance of that is, we commonly think modern medicine can cure anything until we get seriously ill, and the great majority of us are surprised at how little medicine does know about cause much less cure. Too many times, our own survival will depend on us being more honest and realistic, when dealing with our own lives.

We cannot blame those who we turned over control of our lives to, simply because we were taking comfort in our own lifestyle or stressing over what had very little real significance,in comparison to where our priorities needed to be, in our own lives, much less in the Democracy of America. We need to remain alert to both past and present history, both in ourselves and our own behavior, as well as in the world, that goes on around us.

I doubt, many of us would or could argue, that if we showed as little interests in our jobs or our families, who we have been Blessed with to guide, as we do in the maintenance of Democracy, we would not be at our current job or a reputable member of our family, for long.

Just as we need to stay on our toes, when it comes to the needs of our friends and family, we also need to be aware of how our own behavior affects those we profess to love, as well as, what happens in the World around us. When we fail to keep up with ourselves and our own needs and behavior, we often fail to keep up with the needs of those around us, as well.

We need to be comfortable in the knowledge, we gain, that our own vote just as our own behavior, can and will safeguard the equality as well as the quality of life for all of us, who do embrace freedom. If we fail to appreciate that those we love the most, ourselves included, can be a statistic tomorrow, we often risk the fact that we will deny our own freedom, when others start talking about changing the Constitution to deny others their rights.

It is too easy to think that as long as we are not complaining then those that we love do not have complaints either. If we are busy shopping and hiding the receipts from our spouses, we fail to realize the short high, that we receive, is often the long misery that they receive, when it comes to balancing the budget.

When we constantly sacrifice while our spouse spends or does nothing but argue with us or dismiss our efforts, we are not so content either.Just as we cannot continue to elect politicians who refuse to do anything for the American people, because the other Party may win. We can too many times go back to the fox guarding the hen-house when we refuse to educate ourselves, both in the future needs of our families as well as our Country.

When we all develop the attitude that we, each, are much more than a robot and the risk of both our family as well as American’s Democracy rests on the shoulders of individuals, we will prove we are all reliable to the rest of the World.We owe all those, who look to us for freedom, the responsibility of maintaining Democracy, by putting as much effort into, “Freedom for All”, as we do into our own families.

It needs to be both our goal as well as our priority to know the differences between each candidate and party,including the Tea Party, before we vote. Democracy as well as the survival of our government,of “We the People,” in America and around the World, depends on it.

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Setting Standards In Our Life

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

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Reviewing Our Lives

Regardless of our age it is always important that we take out time to review our own lives. Too often we can get caught up into the “poor Me’ syndrome or cycle, and it is years later before we are even aware of the fact that we have gotten stuck there.

Negativity can be especially common in the lives of us who have had trauma or lost and we remain in denial instead of dealing with the grieving process.If we grow up in negativity, we often become comfortable living with it to a point that joy actually can frighten us.

We often know how to deal with life when things are going wrong but do not have a clue of how we should respond to things going right, in our life. Some of us will even find a need to apologize for being happy when those around us are struggling. Other times people will become so uncomfortable with things working out they will feel guilt or create a problem that leads to bad results, just to get that old familiar feeling of things going wrong back into their lives.

It is not uncommon that children will grow into adults thinking that if we are not arguing then we are not loved,since it has been so much a part of our life when we were younger.Both men and women, who come out of homes, where the parents stayed together and argued all of their natural life, will adapt to the thinking that if they argue with me, then they still care about me.

In other homes where we experienced a great deal of arguing and our parents divorced, following heated arguments, couples often times will refuse to even discuss their problems or disagree when they should. Too many times arguments will mean both the signal of divorce to both our children as well as ourselves.

Couples who discuss their differences,and we all have them, are not always going to remember to keep our voices down, as the act of yelling makes all of us feel that we have control over the conversation or the person we are disagreeing with,even though there is not truth in it. Yelling simply causes others to be intimidated or relieves stress in us. Yelling is actually a sign of the loss of control over our own behavior.

If we never ask ourselves, what role we play, in what our problems are and what led us to become so negative,but instead always find it easier to blame others, we will often find that sadness,anger, and excuses or an escape to “fantasy land” have become an old companion of our’s while we have been looking at the faults of others. We have simply transferred our own poor behavior onto those closest to us, in some instances.

When we are in our 20′s, we think we have the answers for everything and then we reach our thirties and think we finally understand, who we are, and that is true only if or when we compare ourselves to our twenties. We never really know who we are, if we never question our own motives and the reasons behind our responses or behavior,to people or life. When we review ourselves, while leaving others out of the self-examination entirely, regardless of what age we are, we can become more tuned into what makes us tick.

There is no magic moment, regardless of what age we are, until we can be and are brutally honest with ourselves in understanding what does make us act or react to stimulus of both people and life. We can be any age when we do discover ourself.

It is often brought on by our own health problems or trauma in our lives. When we reach the point our blood pressure is going out of control or we feel reality is slipping away from us, entirely, many will get help then, but in some cases the damage is already done to the psychics of those we have neglected and are responsible for, since we have been confused ourselves.

Too many of us will escape into denial, before we will confront ourselves, in full and complete honesty. Many times if we are going to quit making the same mistake over and over again, we will need to confront ourselves, for our own peace of mind,if nothing else. If we freeze up,out of denial or fear,because we are afraid of repeating the same mistake, then we never make any headway in life.

Confused parents or spouses do not make good spouses or parents, so there is much more at stake than just ourselves. Children never want all the things we buy for them nearly as much as they want our full attention and for us to be there for them. Confused parents are often lost in their own emotions or obsessions,instead of being the parent we want to be.The same is true with both husbands and wives.

We often hear of people’s lives flashing before their eyes on their deathbeds, because too many people do not want to confront what it is that makes them respond, either negatively or positively to life.Sadly if we wait until then, we have no time to correct our mistakes or to renew a healthier and more positive relationship with those who most of us would sacrifice our lives for. Those who truly love us will forgive us when we take time to show them that they can trust our love,some times, before we will forgive ourselves.

We may know our own likes and dislikes better, later in life, but too often we are still apt to go into denial until we do confront ourselves, regardless of our age. If we only see what causes us to react to life and still see the problem as our spouse,parent,or a hectic day at work or with the kids, we never do get that second chance that we all deserve, to explain to ourselves. Usually we have been our own worse judge and jury and we owe it to both ourselves to know why we did what we did, as well as to our children or loved ones.

I’m not suggesting that we blame ourselves for every problem, as too often, too many people will do that,as it is.Sadly, just as many will excuse themselves of everything when it is their own life, that is falling apart, just as well. Where some people will live their lives in denial others will take the blame for everything.

This is not uncommon in families, where children were held responsible for keeping another sibling, as well as themselves in line, before we were even able to understand the rules fully,ourselves. Other times it occurs when there is no guidance or rules for a child to follow.

We all need to understand what it is that does make us vulnerable towards repeating the mistakes of the past so that we can let go of both our obsessions as well as our anxiety and begin enjoying life instead of dreading it.

When we review our own lives we often find that those we blamed, the most, did not play a role in our own hate but became a part of the lie, we told ourselves, while hanging onto our own denial.Sometimes we maybe surprised to find that we have in truth, hated ourselves, while blaming another.

In understanding ourselves we heal at least 3 generations along with us, many times. To deny ourselves and our loved ones, this opportunity towards healing and reuniting, can be far worse than anything else we have done wrong to date.

It is many times a 15 minute exercise that most of us can do on our own during a quiet time, usually in the evening, when we ask ourselves what worked for me today and what didn’t. We also need to ask ourselves what did I do to change the direction today took, both positively and negatively, without the name of another person coming into the picture to blame while we make excuses for ourselves. From there we simply take it the direction it needs to go. If we are not making any progress because we are no longer able to recognize truth or work beyond a habit or obsession, then please ask for the help of those who will guide you.

Mankind was neither meant to lie or to hate and too often denial brings both with it,while doing harm to those we love most. It is never just as simple as “She or He did me wrong” or “After all he/she did to me, I am entitled to be a bitch or a jerk,” when we keep growing the list, and never see our own name on it, we have a problem that needs healing.

Nothing is more satisfying in life than finding peace of mind and the satisfaction of waking up and feeling joy, on a daily basis. On the other hand, nothing is more troubling or painful than waking up hating a new day and making those that we love,fear us or being continually at unrest or confused,ourselves.We have no one to blame but ourselves, if we refuse to look for and find our own happiness. I can’t imagine living life being any other way, nor would I want anyone I know to ask for less.The good news is our loved ones feel the same about us, when we both give and receive unconditional love.

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Don’t Bother Me

The people in our lives who never want to be bothered by others are usually the same who are bothered by everything. If they hold a job, which some never do while others never keep a job, those who do come home grab a beer or the Nintendo or Wii and start playing. Other times when they come home from the job, they grab a six-pack,several glasses of wine, or several drinks, turn on the television and spend the rest of the night in front of it, until they either fall asleep,sometimes in a stupor, in the chair or go to bed.The family will dish him/her up a plate of food and bring it to them. They never ask for or question what their spouse or children did during the day,because they have enough problems of their own, and simply do not want to be bothered.

When they are adult children; they will sleep until the afternoon get up and grab something to eat, and watch the soaps, and then the women will get ready to go out and shop,on Dad’s or Mom’s credit card, while the guys usually play video games and then both will go out to cruise the bars,casinos, or clubs, much later, again on the cash from Mom and Dad.

We see this more times in fathers who grew up as sons,being waited on by the women of the family, but it can be just as common in women. Both can and do apply to men and women who were never asked to do anything when it came to taking responsibility for their own rooms, much less, help out with the upkeep of the lawn,laundry,balancing the budget,cooking, or in the upkeep of the house, because Mom always did it. It is always much more difficult to teach children to take responsibility in a home than it is to do it ourselves, according to our own standards, and that is why they grow up to become adults who do not want to be bothered by anything.

Many times our own lack of ambition or that of our spouse, will spread onto our children who will repeat the same sloth like existence. This type of personality, often, pat themselves on their own back, as to how nothing ever bothers them and how easy-going they are, even though everyone else living with them are continuously stressed out and under pressure.

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand, all of the work and stress of keeping up the bills,the house,our children, and the lawn falls on the shoulders of the spouses or parents, if they are old enough to be out of the house on their own or holding down a job, but instead are remaining at home to be both supported and waited on by their parent or parents.It has not and will it ever occur to people, who do not take responsibility for their own lives, that it is much easier to be easy-going, when someone else is taking care of our responsibility.

In some Christian homes women are taught the men work to support them and the family, all day, so it is the women’s job to wait on the men and make certain they are kept content and happy when they return home at night. It is the job of the wife to make sure the children are well-disciplined and kept both away from their fathers, and even in some cases out of their sight, so that the man of the house is not bothered by their noise and racket. Fathers are entitled to relax and to enjoy their peace and quiet when they return home from a stressful day of work. They should not be bothered by the wife’s complaints or conversation nor by their own children.

The pathetic thing about treating adults so that they will not be bothered, is that many times when their children grow up they do become the generation most threatened by drugs and alcohol.They feel that they were both unloved and unwanted by their fathers,and why shouldn’t they feel that way?When adult children or adult men and women, do not want to be bothered by responsibility, they too, will turn to drug and alcohol to numb their own sense of worthlessness.

The great majority of mankind do find our own sense of importance from what we achieve in life. The older we get,having achieved nothing, the more cheated, we feel when we were never taught to be self-sufficient. The dysfunction that existed in the family homes, made the children feel,justifiably so, as a burden to their fathers or their mothers when they were told they should not bother mom or dad,as well.

A child does not, nor should they ever have to understand, why just being themselves, is a bother to their parents.When everything bothers us as an adult we will find out, that no one will be around to bother us, later. Being generous with our money does not equal love or parenting.

When the self-appointed-martyred parents or wife pass on, and no one is left to wait on these adult children or husbands,they will find that no one else will be as eager,naive or stupid to do so. If we were not there for our children, it is fairly certain that our children will not be there for us when they grow up,either.When we teach them that we will wait on them until they find a spouse to take our place,we teach them that they are not worth the bother, of our time or efforts, to parent them so that they can and will grow up to achieve their own purpose or success in life.

We parents do need to know that raising children always has been and always will be about,”Pay now or Pay later.” No generation can or will change the responsibility of parent to child and not come out the winner or the loser for having done the right or wrong thing by our children. We need to know, ourselves, what truly showing love, over not being bothered entails in the life of our own family.It is always different from one family to the next because we all have different personalities and value systems that we need to live by, and teach, through our own equal treatment of the same.

It has always been a disaster, to every marriage and family, when one person is left to take on all the responsibility of home and family while the others live a carefree existence in the home.Since jobs bring with it both a pay check and a 40 to 60 hour week but home life lasts 24/7 without a pay check or let up in the hours, the entire family needs to know how,when and where to assume responsibility.

It can be more difficult to live with the person, who appoints themselves or accepts total responsibility, to be the martyr, as it is to live with the person who does not want to be bothered. Neither brings peace or harmony to our homes or family.Equality in a home, where everyone takes on their own responsibility, will always bring about a more successful lifestyle for all who reside there, by freeing up the time and commitment of all of us. Equality of the genders can not go away unless, we ourselves, ask for or accept without question, injustice.

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Guilt—-A Heavy Burden To Carry

Although, we all should be pleased just a little, when we do feel guilt as it can be an indication of good mental health; it is when we carry way too much guilt, for the circumstances that surround the event, we have need for concern. As I have mentioned in another post,”Only the narcissist,anti-social, and seriously psychotic do not feel guilt.”

Many times it is the self-righteous or the mean-spirited who would force guilt on us. Their profession of sin is not our sin, and it does us all well to remember that. For an example:A predator,manipulator or abuser can many times make us responsible for their own misdeeds out of fear or power and this will often times lead to guilt on our part, although we are being victimized by them to believe we are wrong. Too many times we will assume the guilt of another when we have been brainwashed into believing so.

What we should always ask ourself when we do make our own individual mistakes before accepting guilt is: Did we deliberately hurt the feelings of another by our own volition?Did our words or actions lead to irreparable harm in or to another? Did we consider a better way to behave but talked ourselves out of doing so,even though we knew it was wrong, because we wanted to please our friends? Did we give into pressure to be a crowd pleaser? Did we lie to make ourselves look better, or repeat something that we did not know was true, and in the process ruin another’s good name? Did we knowingly take what was not ours’ or destroy that which we had no right to destroy? How much was our own conscious thought involved in the poor decision that we made? Did our decision cause another to suffer? Long story short then, our brain needs to know what we are doing is wrong and WE decide to do it anyway.

Too many people, commonly the immature, will make snap decisions or act without thought and end up causing pain to others, only to feel bad about it later. Although we need to take responsibility for these actions or re-actions, and suffer the guilt that is appropriate to the crime, we do also sometimes, need to understand our own human frailties without beating ourselves up when we react or act thoughtlessly. If we find this behavior is more common than rare, then it would do us all well to receive help from someone who can train us in better behavior. Many of us enjoy those times where everything is not planned but done on the spur of the moment and when we can do this without doing any harm, then more power to us!

During my drinking days, when my inhibitions were down, I made many a faux pas that led to a great deal of embarrassment or guilt the next day. We need to take responsibility for not only our behavior towards others while under the influence but also for the way we often times demean ourselves, in the process. To become obsessed by it with guilt, to the point that we make excuses for it or suffer irreparable harm because of it, can and does become a problem. If and when this does happen and if it is interfering with our own self-worth, as well as how we function in life, by leading to depression or negative emotions or behavior, we need to consider getting professional help.

“I am sorry” offered in sincerity and directed towards those who we offend, should relieve a great deal of guilt. Most people, who are not inclined to hold a grudge, will accept an apology. If on the other hand, our actions led to something as tragic, as a death, we may need to do much more than a simple apology and let the victim’s loved ones determine what the punishment will be. This includes the passengers and friends in some cases, as well. Although friends and passengers are not held legally responsible, in these cases, we may be morally wrong and need to eliminate our guilt through the correct behavior while we make amends to those we have injured.

Once we recognize, while we are making our own behavior paramount in our own life, many times very few are or were even aware of it, then we can begin to start forgiving ourselves while making an honest resolve to stop the behavior that led us to feel guilt. No matter how much we would like to believe we are good people they’re none who will not make mistakes that will and sometime should lead to guilt. Our intentions at the time of doing so,needs to and should play a large role, before assessing the damage of guilt that we should carry or the extent of the amends we need to make.

It is human for all people who lose loved ones, through death or divorce, to feel guilt. None of us will ever be able to feel comfortable in believing that we did not leave things unsaid and undone and now do not have a chance to tell them or treat them differently. We need to understand this form of guilt is almost always nothing more than our profession of love for the departed.To suffer prolong guilt during this time is such a needless, as well as,wasted emotion. None of us can predict what tomorrow may bring and to behave in any manner than what is normal for us, would be a slap in the face of our loved ones who felt comfort in our behavior.To feel guilty through hind-site means exactly what it says. We got wiser after we knew the truth than we were before we knew the truth. How can anyone find blame in that? Only those who cause death or divorce need to suffer guilt and punishment. To punish ourselves further, after we have already been victimized, only adds to the travesty perpetrated on us.

None of us have the fore-vision or fore-thought to re-act or to act in a predictable fashion prior to these unknown circumstances. To carry guilt for the rest of our lives or to remain bitter because we feel that we were robbed of these opportunities, ultimately will only lead to our own self-destruction. We all have people who are relying on us to remain aware and mentally healthy to be there for them. It is when we refuse to let go of this guilt or anger, that we do need to get professional help, if we are unable to help ourself.

Many times we are certainly justified in our emotions but too many people are unaware of what their own guilt is doing in the lives of those who depend on them or love them. We can all understand what hate and denial does, when it comes to destroying a family and pulling them apart, but too few of us understand that the guilt that we carry is not a personal choice that hurts no one, but ourself.

Guilt, like a secret in the family, can cut like a knife into the heart of a family. We all need to, “let it go,”by resolving to not to repeat the behavior that led to the guilt, in order to find the balance of our own life and to bring our loved ones the opportunity to find happiness and to love themselves as well as us.

If we need professional help in order to do so, then understand so does the great majority of us, under the same circumstances. To not ask for emotional or mental help quite often just adds to what has already become a tragedy. The real hero in the life of all of us, are the ones who are strong enough to understand their own real weaknesses and value and then set about changing their own behavior to make the adjustments that will bring peace to us all. Everything worth doing is worth working towards, and often brings with it, its’ own rewards. “God helps them who helps themselves.”

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It Is Time To Be A Grownup

As someone, who went through screaming, tears, and general upset once Santa was exposed as a fraud in our home, I cannot express enough how important it is to tell grownups to be grownups, at the very least, during the Holiday season. The tree was never again put up unless my sister and I could find an axe and chop down a lonely tree somewhere in the region, the fudge and divinity no longer made and any gift was absent beyond that of what my dad gave to my mother. Each Christmas Eve became one of turmoil, because my father did not buy my mother the gift she felt entitled to receive. He would always buy practical instead of luxury and it would open the flood gates of hell.The family pictures taken, show the disappointment in the eyes of the children and are a lasting reminder as to how Christmas should never be spent, all these years later.

I’m sure it has everything to do with my believing that Santa is real and every act of kindness, done by we adults, to others is not only because of our spiritual need to express our love and gratitude to Christ and God but also to express our human side to mankind. Christmas, is indeed, a very miraculous time of year and it is important that we adults, do understand, it is about the children. Just as the Magi presented gifts to the Christ child, so should we present gifts to the children, granted us through God.

At no other time of the year, is it even wise to spoil our children, except their birthdays and during the holidays. If that means we don’t buy ourselves a new wardrobe just now,or lay off the egg nog, we still put up a tree or buy a gift, even though we may not feel like it, we do it anyway. The memories we are making now are not about us, but about our children and grandchildren. It is not about what your husband or wife, boy or girl friend, adult children gets you. During these financially difficult times, it is o.k., to spend what little we have on the children or grandchildren. I assure you, they will not be spoiled for life. Somehow I think both God and Christ would approve.

We adults need to keep Christmas in perspective but not by denying our own children the joy of Christmas or the Holidays. We can better watch the number of times we eat out instead of cook and how we are the example of dollars being wasted. In families where there is no money at all,draw an outline of a tree on the wall with string or thread, and have the children decorate the same with their own creations made of paper or glitter. Children need to feel that they are loved enough or important enough to know their parents will make an effort to make them feel the same. For what you spend on alcohol, use the money to buy a game the family can play, together, instead. Children know when they are poor today, unlike another time before tech and name brands were noticed, so the time you spend with them ,often times, is the best gift of all.

For those who will and do attend the Churches across America during the Holiday Season, remember children do not find the same sense of peace that we do in Church services. It takes all of us years to develope faith. To deny a child, their moment of joy, either with making them the center of attention, or gifting them with a warm coat, or new shoes, a full stomach, or yes even a toy, does us well to remember that Christmas is also about the type of grownup or human being we also are. To pay honor strictly to the spirituality and our needs and then to deny our children joy, speaks mountains of the kind of person we are not. Do not let your pride come before the generosity, being offered out of love to you and your children, by those Santa Claus amongst us, who wish to share our bounty with you. It is not a sin to be poor but it is unfair to deny our children happiness, when people are willing to help make it possible, out of love.

At no other time of the year, is there more good will towards men, more generosity and sharing given and done, and more thanks expressed amongst mankind. We grownups have both an opportunity to make warm and lasting memories for all children as well as a responsibility to make certain that all children know and feel they are a part of this enchanting time of, “peace on earth and good will towards men.” God Bless us all, man, woman, and child!

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Showing Our Kids Love, By Saying”NO”

When the soldiers came back from World War II we welcomed them as the heroes that they were. It was the first generation of women that worked out of the home. Many worked in plants to keep Industries running while their husbands were off to war. When the men came home some women found that they liked having jobs and incomes of their own while others went back to the kitchens. America could not throw up the small clapboard row houses fast enough. We think that families have always owned their homes but it was not true prior to this time in America. Homes were primarily owned by the wealthy and the rest of the Country worked for the Company store and rented or lived three generations in one home.

It was also the first generation to say they wanted to give their kids more than they had. Prior to this children were born to help out parents in the company businesses or on the farms and were expected to work in order to pay back their parents for feeding and clothing them or help parents earn the family income. Each generation since has been given,more and more and more.

I doubt it would hurt, if we did start saying,” we want to give and show our kids love by saying “no” to their every want, in some cases, because the truth is many of us got too much and now do not have a clue of what the difference between a need and a want is,ourself. How many of us for instance, have a ten pound bag of flour and sugar in our own homes and can bake from scratch? Know that hair permanents and nails can be done at home or massages and spas are not common around many homes in America? Gas ovens and televisions in each room are not needs?

I certainly do not recommend that we parents that give our children everything, deprive ourselves of the rewards of our own doing, because in many instances, parents do that naturally for their kids,anyway. I do believe our children need to hear that becoming adults and accepting responsibilities does mean we earn our rewards. If we all looked around our own homes, and asked ourselves, would we know what is a need as versus a want? Would you know the difference? Did you name the house, itself, since rentals are going left unwanted and home ownership has never been a guarantee but instead should be provided strictly on our own ability to provide and budget? The government has never owed us private ownership of a house at anytime in Democracy.

Although, most of us no longer abuse our children with beatings, we have developed a new form of abuse, and that is showing our love through material goods and in some cases,false expectations. Don’t you think when your children look around their homes and hear,”I want to give my children more than I had” they must be totally lost as to what it is we don’t have? Isn’t it time that we tell our kids “no” because we want you to have both the honor and privilege of feeling a sense of accomplishment for having earned what you have. We love you enough to say, “No” might not be a bad idea for a new phrase to replace the old tired and tried phrase, “we want you to have more than we had.” In many cases when children have everything, we rob both their natural drive and ambition, from them. How many of us are aware that 1/3 of the prison population were the kids that were not told “No”? Is it any wonder that we are finding out that our children have less self-esteem as civilization advances?

In giving them everything, we also rob their creative spirits as well. We have children not unlike robots or zombies that become incapable of making in-depth or considerate, respectful, decisions or very lacking in common sense. When they have everything, doesn’t that leave drugs and alcohol, as the only things that they are being denied? Don’t you think that would have as much appeal to them as say, the apple had for Adam and Eve? I personally think, going way back then, mythology was teaching us the lesson of what happens to mankind, when they have everything and are only denied one thing, don’t you?

I’m thinking it might not be a bad idea for me, grandma, to take to heart as well, before I get all of my Christmas shopping done. Then again the kids do put their foot down, and it is the only time of the year that I do get to spoil?????…………………Not so easy done as said. Enjoy your day, everyone.

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The New Bullies:Social Media

I will pick on Facebook since it is the most recognizable along with Tweeter of all of the social media. The social media gives all the bullies amongst us a platform to make up lies and to spread it across the internet. When a bully has the ability to make up lies and to bully without revealing who they are or their real name then they have unlimited access to stoop to any and all levels of disgusting behavior.

One reason that bullies do get by with being a bully is because they can hide behind others and usually function in a group, since they are all cowards, at heart. The internet gives them the ability to act alone by changing their identity so they can sink to a new level of slime. Many times a bully will ingratiate their self to the victim and in doing so they are placed on their Facebook friends page where they have access to the e-mail or the e-mail itself is given out by others if the victim is leery of the bully. Some children being bullied are the gentle amongst us, that are seeking or looking for a friend, so they are almost always vulnerable or receptive to the kindness offered by this type of bully.

It use to be, the bullies were primarily at school and our personal life was never infringed on by them after school hours. Sure they showed up with their bullies in hand between school property and home or on the buses or in the parking lots but once out of the sight of the bully, our free time was unencumbered, by them.

With the invent of the computer and the social networking there is no way to get away from them, short of parental supervision or denying the use of all technology. Many kids never let their parents know they are being bullied as it only adds to the shame the child already feels. A bully, is in most cases, readily recognizable by the bunch that they hang out with, even though a great deal of them also function on charm. For an adult to deny, they do not know who the bully is both at school and at home, is many times, ludicrous.

By the time our children reach highschool age, it does become naive of anyone to think that a parent does have the ability to supervise all movement of their teenagers, but on the other hand, it does not mean that teenagers should be left carte blanc without supervision either.

Since the majority of suicides are happening in the grade school or junior high levels of education we need to place special emphasis or study into these years of education. With most victimizations, there usually are a set of symptoms of behavior or withdrawal that precedes it, with both the victims and the bullies. Both parents and schools need to know and understand more clearly what they should be looking for. Teachers who are supervising the areas, need to be given the ability to deal with it when it happens. We need to get over the attitude that,”words cannot hurt us” because in many ways verbal abuse is much harder to recognize as well as deal with than physical abuse, since we can all see physical abuse happening whereas verbal abuse can be and is often times more subtle.

Then our communities must determine if bullies or in some cases,their parents, will be treated like all other assault or hate crime criminals are treated. We can not say we want something done about it and then scream about government or authorities infringing on our lives. In some cases it may include giving authorities both the right to enter our homes as well as to remove the computer from the same.

Unless adults are ready to act against bullies, then we remain where we have been for years and that is with adults being the bullies, that not only spread but also condone hate and everything continues getting worse, while our children continue committing suicide. If that sounds callous, then isn’t it time that we adults do something to change the reality of it, ourselves, by setting and showing example? Clearly this redneck attitude of,” just hit back”, has solved nothing over the years and we can no longer claim ignorance or innocence when bullies can and do kill, regardless of the way they use to bully or who condones the behavior.

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We Write Our Own Story Of Life

Each day that we get up we begin the next chapter of our life. If we all put those chapters into a daily binder or in book form how would our story look? Would we bore the paint off the wall or add excitement to the life of a person that lives vicariously through us? How would we want our final chapter to read?

At another period in life we could own our own accomplishment but anymore it appears we cannot take credit for our own life or the joy in our life without first praising God. In many ways we have taken our spiritual beliefs which use to be a personal matter and gone overboard in a public saturation with them. None of us that do have faith in a Higher Power seldom fail to give credit where credit is due but must we always enforce those views on others? Shouldn’t faith be a personal matter between us and our own beliefs?

I would put my Faith up against anyone elses and most of us that have faith feel the same but on some days can’t we just all give people a break and allow them to come to conclusions in regard to their spiritual life on their own? Remember when conversations of politics, religion, and pay raises were considered highly private and personal? We have such a saturation of religious views going on in our music, writings,airways, realty t.v., and life in general, that it strikes me that it is time that we back off as we lose more people in the long run than what we gain when we constantly force those views into the brains of others.

It is almost as though someone found out how to wholesale God or Jesus and sell Them on the commodities market. Mention God or Jesus and I will listen to your program, vote for your candidate, buy your record or book, or watch the show and buy your products. Americans we are obsessing on God and Jesus and to do so does a disservice to Them. No one can get up each day obsessing on a view and expect others to want to follow through on the obsession.

I suggest instead that we get back to our own lives and writing the story of our successes as well as failures. The reason most of my posts are all about taking charge of our own responsibilities and being self-sufficient and teaching our children the same, is too many people have lost sight of their common sense and replaced it instead with God will provide,instead of, God helps those who help themselves, in my estimation.

I hope when I do write the final chapter of my life that I have lived a life that gave more than I took from humanity. I hope I taught about the struggles that we all face and came back to the idea that the solutions for our own problems can be best handled by ourselves. I hope that I leave behind at least one person, that I do not have a moral responsibility to, whose life I made a difference in. I hope no one will feel that I was a burden to them or on them. I hope that the Dear Lord judges me kindly and that others know that their judgements of me have or had no effect on me so that they need not feel as though they need to relieve guilt with my passing. I hope by my being here I have left a story of humor or two behind. I hope that more people will chuckle than cry at their memory of me. But most of all I hope I rest in peace.

It’s a very simple dream that I have but when we do wake up and recognize that life itself can and often does have simple solutions but more times than not we shift our responsibility of the solutions onto others, we miss out on the joy of accomplishment and self-satisfaction of knowing we gave it our best shot. How can any of us possibly find joy in always judging others or finding fault in them as well as their belief system? No one will ever live our exact life, no one will ever know exactly the way we felt, no one will ever know from where we derived our strengths nor will anyone know or understand our individual Faith and somehow I am comfortable with knowing that.

If Americans do not know by now that religion in every form in America is available to them and all they need to do is seek it out, they will never know that. Perhaps we would not see the need for competition or judgement that often leads to bitter or hurt feelings between the faithful, and we all could rest in peace, knowing that we are not responsible for driving people further away due to our own obsessions or judgements if we allowed people to choose their own paths. How great would that be!

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Recovering From Guilt: Battered Women

One thing that stands out and is prominent, in the women that I have experienced, as having been battered by their husbands is the guilt that they carry as a result of the combination of being told that they are worthless and the fact that the churches tell them to try harder to be a better wife. The responsibility of having caused a damaging cycle of guilt has rarely been placed on the shoulders of the men responsible for destroying the psyche of these women.

I do not fully understand why these women do carry and wear the cloak of guilt other than they become so brain washed into believing they are inferior and the responsibility for harmony in their homes lies on their shoulders. In our Society, due to the Jewish-Christian up bringing, we do hold women responsible for the behavior of the children as well as the success of the marriage.

In a faith-based system of taking the Bible literally, that should be a contradiction of itself, as in the Bible it is clearly spelled out that Fathers who spare the rod spoil the child. Lets face it, when a man is beating his wife and it usually follows children, they are and should be held responsible for the hell the whole family is experiencing. Instead, we as a society,tend to excuse the men and blame the women.

In one of my previous posts I wrote,”when did anger become an acceptable excuse?” The truth is, it has always been used and justified when applied to men, regardless, if we are in a Church or a Court of law. Anger and striking out in anger has always been the difference between murder 1 and manslaughter in the eyes of our justice system and becomes the difference between spending 4 to 6 years in jail as versus the death penalty.

For years, in our Puritan established society, a wife was the property of a man and he could not be charged for either rape or assault no matter how badly he mistreated his wife. That was, “a man’s business and none of ours”. Any mention of the same generally was swept under the rug as late as the 1970′s and in some rural areas even, later. Although, it is now against the law and a criminal offense in all the States, the theory still is played out in many areas of our Country, that it still is none of our business.

Now that we know the reason women that are battered carry guilt is because they are being told by both the men in their lives inside and outside of their Churches the responsibility is theirs’, most of us would ask,” shouldn’t it be natural that the battered women recognize the injustice of it all and seek out counseling?”

In order for women or any adult to be subjugated to abuse, first of all, their natural reaction towards self-protection and survival has to be removed. In doing so by battering them or placing fear in them, they become totally and 100% dependent on these men. In a few cases, women will set back and watch their own child get beaten and feel relief that it is not them that are being hit. In other cases, the abusers teach the children to mistreat their mothers and get them to side with them by buying them favors to encourage the mistreatment of their mothers, so that they feel they must be at fault as not even their children will side with them. In so many ways these women if they divorce or stay in the marriage will carry the wounds into their old age still feeling worthless and the mistreatment will continue until one of them loses the energy to hit or they die.

Battered women are not a phenomena that just happens. They are made. There is something in the sick mind of the men that treat women this way that should be treated and recognized by an early age but since we have given men the excuse of anger being justified it follows that boys also are able to use it as an excuse. When any human is mistreated and bantered they lose all ability to protect themselves beyond what they are told to do. We recognize this in prisoner of war camps and yet refuse to open our eyes to the fact that many families are living this same tragedy in their homes on a daily basis.

For a woman to recover from guilt it will take the support of an entire village from neighbors, to friends, to family, to Churches pointing out to her that the problem lies in the sickness of men that have been excused from taking responsibility for their own sick behavior from the beginning of time. There is not a thing that she can do or could have done to heal the sickness of the man who professed love and then set out to destroy her. Even anger management classes statistically show failure over success when these men do seek help.

It is time that we as a Nation, wake up to the fact, that many times these were not weak women that were destroyed but women as strong and capable as the rest of us, who were treated no different from prisoners of war, who are the bravest amongst us, and yet many of them, will crack under the constant pressure of abuse. It is when we as a society, quit using the Bible to judge others, that we will allow common sense, the place it deserves in the lives of all of us. If we want justice for ourselves then we must first give it to others.
(Please note: Hopefully I have been able to change all the banter for battered. If not I apologize. It does not always pay to rely on spell-check. I will repeat that 10 times now and thank you for having endured it)

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