The Significance Of Self

We hear all the time, “unless we love ourselves, we cannot love others.” I do believe, in some cases, when we start out life we have love to give and, as such, we are capable of loving, without loving ourselves. I’ve heard people say,” that they are in love but they have not yet met the person that they are in love with.” In those cases I have always felt, probably due to their own behavior, that they were actually in love with themselves but did not recognize it as such. In my own case, I do know that I have loved everyone else, long before I recognized, that I loved myself. Some of us grow up confused as to what love really is as it has never been given to us unconditionally or we only felt love according to if our behavior met with approval or not.

There is no such thing as a mommy gene universally in all mothers. Many children grow up hearing,”we were an accident,the day we were born was the worse day of our mother’s life, or the only reason we were even born was because our mothers thought that they would go to hell if they used birth control”. Complicate that with parents who never tell us that we are loved, that are remote and cold while we are growing up, parents who profess to love us as we live in fear of being beaten on a daily basis, or have parents beating each other up and the whole ideal of love becomes totally misconstrued to the point that many are fearful to love or commit if that is what love really is. Often it takes years and years, before children growing up in these environments can even dare trust what we are feeling, is really love or if someone else that professes to love us, is sincere.

Every human being’s survival depends on being born selfish. If a baby didn’t cry until their needs were meant they would end up malnourished or ill. Most of us would sleep through, sometimes every hour and half feedings, because as all new parents can attest many times during a baby’s life we are so tired we are not always certain if we did wake up or if we slept through a feeding. It is a time of total and complete exhaustion, especially if one parent is doing it all alone. In many ways we never lose the need to be selfish. Some are just better at recognizing it than others. Every action we take from seeking friendship,to marriage, to what brings us joy is intertwined with our own needs being met, if we are honest with ourselves in acknowledging it.

What separates a selfish person from a giving person is innate to their character, if I was to hazard a guess. It explains why one twin can be selfish while another generous, even when raised identically to each other, including the same punishment being meted our to both simultaneously, regardless who is to blame. If it is not genetic then the genetic make-up that drives perception,in my opinion, has to play a role. Where one saw injustice for the punishment they did not cause, another accepted the same as being normal or had the capacity to block pain or go into denial whereas the other didn’t or maintained reality.

Many children will block out their childhood if it was too bad or separate from it emotionally while others never forget and relive the nightmare for life. Abuse alters and changes a person’s personality, entirely, from who or whom they would have been, otherwise. That includes people who tell their children they were not wanted and verbally abuse their children. I’ve heard parents tell their children that they were an accident, in jest, and watched the child’s facial expression crumble. I think sometimes we adults are immune to teasing and lose sight of what effect it has on our children. Many times that same teasing can send our children off to bully others, if they take it literally, as many do. Some children will totally overlook or block abuse where as others can be haunted all their lives and I’m not sure anyone understands for certain,why?

I have absolutely no regrets that I came late to the table, as far as loving everyone else, before I recognized my love of myself, because it is the reason I now gather so much pleasure and enjoyment out of my life. If every action I ever did was as a conscious reaction on my part to do or give because I would get something back as a result of it, I’m sure I would feel much more guilt or discomfort with what damage I occurred to myself, now that I am limited in what I can do for others.

I am a sincere believer in the reality that everything that we do for others without expectation or return or without telling the world about our charity is returned to us here on earth. If we use it to improve our own image or to get an, “atta girl/boy” or to fulfill some need of our own we can sometimes end up in anger,hurt or mistrust because we assumed and when our assumptions do not prove out then we get angry or hurt about it. On the other hand, those of us that give without expectations, quickly learn the value of doing so brings with it, its own reward, even miracles. I don’t even have to explain that to those of you who do know, what I mean when I say it.

If we never know or understand ourself and the reasoning behind why we did what we did or do what we do, we can become really bitter with life and mistreat others. Once we know the true damage, we do to both ourselves and others, exist is because of our own assumptions then we can learn better ways to give of our self and time or choose not to. Except of course when it comes to paying taxes and I would hope we all appreciate the fact that Democracy gives us enough, so we can at least do that much. When gifting is a choice and we are constantly resenting doing anything for someones else, all of us would much rather you did nothing instead of listen to your constant bitching or sign carrying protest.

The significance of self is, to know ourselves, well enough so we bring both hope and joy to others or we take blame so we don’t make the rest of our family,work staff, group, or America in general, miserable right along with us. Listen to the way people and media are talking. We have to ask ourselves why children bully? Give us a break! As the old cliché goes,”If you have nothing good to say then say nothing, at all.”

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To Pre-teens And Parents Of

Although I have written before on this subject, it is such an important period of time in the life of a family that I feel it needs repeating. For you parents that are about to go into the teenage years as well as the youths looking ahead to the time in their life that they will be experiencing more freedom, if you go into these years with the right attitude, you will come out of them with the most valuable lessons of your lives. Both of you will learn the fine art of listening and then applying it, for perhaps the first time in your lives. Parents accept the fact that if you do not already know it, you are no longer Paul and Mary , but instead Mom and Dad of Julie or Jim.

There is never going to be a time in either of your lives that it is going to be more important as well as more difficult to listen to each other. Sadly too many times the mouths will out speak what the ears should be hearing. To the parents of the about to be teenagers: you still do not know everything you need to know about parenting. This time of life is not about you but about your teenagers and their needs. Really listen to what your teenagers are telling you. True they think they know more than you and most of what they think they know will never be shared by the teenager with their parent but this is the reason listening while keeping your own judgements to yourself is so important.

These years are not intended to be just humbling years. The first time you take the teenagers’ confusion and mixed moods personally, you are already headed to trouble. These years may reach down to the very last reserve of your unconditional love for each other and test it in a way it will never be tested again. Please parents be the adult and do not stoop to name calling regardless of the tone of your child. Pay attention to the tone of voice they use ( many times you won’t be able to miss it), their value system,be aware they will often use another person’s name before using their own on issues of sex, drugs, or suicide. There is no time in life more important in your relationship with your child than what these years are. At no time do they need more guidance nor will they object more to it, than now.

As much as we hear about relaxed sexual freedom, many times it is over exaggerated, and children are still getting and passing on the misconceptions that we all had and did when it comes to how to avoid pregnancy,diseases, and reputations. Many times a truly innocent girl is the same virgin that they were when some jerk or bitch, out of jealously usually but sometimes just pure meanness, set out to destroy their reputation today, as they were when we were young. Teenagers in many ways are still just as naive as they have always been. Do not assume that they will learn everything they need to know from their peers.

Too many parents have the mistaken idea that they and their child are the best of friends and their child tells them everything. There may be some truth to it but you do not know everything nor will you until they are around thirty and decide to laugh about it then. Unless you do really listen and keep your ears open, most of you will never hear the most important things you are being told. Teenagers speak in what the American Indians use to call “forked tongues” but is better known today as innuendo. If they are talking about their friends or someone whose name you have never heard, really concern about or hating something, they usually are talking about themselves.

Do not be surprised if your teenager feels that everything that comes out of your own mouth will be misconstrued to mean,”You are judging them or their friends, unfairly.” The difference in the generations are beginning to show up and many times the interpretations can be and are misunderstood. Choose your words wisely when offering advice and you will be amazed how well it is received by your teenager. Make sure any advice given is given to them separate from the presence of their friends.

Try to remember that teenagers are and should be sociable and need a place to land that is not always a planned school or Church activity,unsupervised park, mall or club. Unless we have parents that are willing to offer them both the right to express themselves and a safe place to gather quite often they will find a crowd or group that does not offer them the same safety that a home does. The likelihood that they will be polite mannerly children that no longer requires supervision is fairly naive thinking on our part. The more they are allowed the freedom of self-expression the more they will develop into independent adults capable of growing up to be self sufficient. When we refuse to offer them a supervised place to gather the more likely they are to make mistakes before they are capable of understanding the consequences.

If you offer them a space in your home, that is all their own to use, eliminate all rules beyond your teenagers themselves being responsible for keeping it up and cleaning it while maintaining order, It is time that both the parents and teenagers agree on what their freedom will look like, keep sodas in reserve and order an occasional pizza delivered, and stay out of their space other than perhaps a walk through to an office while the friends are there and most of the teenagers will be glad to have a place to land.

No teenager wants to go to the home where parents are unfriendly or they have to keep their feet off the furniture or use coasters under their drinks. If you are not fortunate enough to have extra space then call the parents where your children hangout. Get to know them. Find out what time your children are leaving and what time the parents would like to have them leave. Offer to drop off some sodas or leave money for a pizza.

To All parents: if something does not sound right it probably isn’t. Trust your instincts, but do not use them to judge. Have curfews and enforce them. If you are uncomfortable with the information that you have about your child going somewhere get a number first and then call it. Remember teenagers cover for each other so make sure you have the address and don’t be afraid to check it out for your child’s vehicle, if you think something is fishy.

If they get mad remember to remind them that you are still in charge. Other kid’s parents are not your responsibility. You trust your children but are not foolish enough to trust everyone else’s children. When names of friends start changing suspect a problem that requires due-diligence and do not rest until you do get to the bottom of it. As a rule your child is leaving behind a crowd that has gotten into drugs or is joining one that is already into something their peers do not approve of.

When children are made responsible for their peers in their homes they will not always follow according to your specifications when it comes to standards of cleaning but they won’t destroy the home either. Many teenagers still have to have a job and pay for their gas so they are delighted to save on gas money and gather to play wii or board games, listen to music, or watch movies on DVD or telecast with free cokes and occasional pizzas. When your children are home you are the parents that benefit the most as you more than anyone else will get to know these truly wonderful young adults. Also you always know where they are and they are safe. The extra sleep lost or expense paid out is well worth the peace of mind. I speak from experience, relax and enjoy the time as it always ends too soon.

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People,Decorating, and Pet Trivia

Sometimes trivia is commonly or not so commonly known and other times it is counter-acting or dispelling of “old wives tales”. It is, however, always fact. This very well is a combination of both common and uncommon knowledge. I will let you be the judge.

1. Baldness comes from the mother’s side of the family. No matter how bald your father is/was you will not be bald unless baldness was on your mother’s side of the family.
2. The gender of the child is always determined by the father and never the mother.
3. There are more male babies born than female babies so it is easier to have a boy baby than a girl baby.
4. All children’s personalities are formed by the age of 3.
5. All cholesterol levels are established by the age of 2.
6. All blonde hair blue-eyed people are related to each other through the DNA of one common ancestor.
7. The combination of red hair and black hair leads to blonde haired babies.
8. Sugar does not make kids hyper, nor anyone for that matter.
9. Going out into the cold without socks or hat or sitting in a draft, does not lead to colds or flu. Both are as a result of germs, period.
10. People that continue to study and learn into old age have less incidence of Alzheimer than those who don’t.
11. The most used baby names are John for boys and Mary for girls.
12. The fox is a member of the cat family. All dogs are a member of the wolf family.
13. When decorating or doing flower arrangements all should be done in uneven numbers instead of even numbers. In other words three instead of two or five instead of four.
14. Complimentary colors are red and green, blue and orange, yellow and purple, and are always safe to use in the same tones when decorating a room or buying furniture for the same. The tone such as dark on light or light on dark can create the pop and leads to contrast. Black and white have all the colors combined so are always safe to add as the third color in a room.
15. Of all the crimes committed murder is the least likely to recur when convicts are released from jail. It has only a 1.5 recidicism rate.
16. Daily use or abuse of alcohol leads to anxiety, depression, paranoia and psychosis along with brain damage.
17. It is harder to recover from verbal abuse than it is physical abuse.
18. Dogs have the intelligence of a 2-year-old child and the emotions of humans.
19. It takes 72 hours for the sperm to reach the egg and cause pregnancy.
20. The Jewish race is the most intelligent race.

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Apathy And The Danger Of It

If you have read my blog then you understand that the underlying core in all of the posts deal with feelings. Apathy is a total void of feelings(emotions) or interest in the environment around us. With apathy we become no more than a computer or robot. These are the people that could run over the neighbor’s dog and not apologize or alert them to it. The ones that a bomb could go off next door and they would complain about it interfering with their television viewing. We all know the kind.

Men were raised for generations being told that to display or have conversations based on emotions were a display of weakness. Real men did not cry. Only mothers could comfort a child. Children of both sexes were called “Big Babies” if they did cry. Men used and some still do, the arguement that women are too emotional to hold prestigious or powerful jobs. Sadly in many homes and corporations these attitudes still exist, so is it any wonder why we as a Nation have become so apathetical over the years?

Recent history does show some movement towards recognizing that any time we dismiss the feelings of others or show a lack of interest in them then relationships cease to exist. Unless we as a society do take interest in the feelings of others as well as Nations then we can expect Society, as we know it, to crumble. Although one in high places should not base decisions on emotions alone it is a great risk not to take into consideration the emotions,feelings and cultural differences of both people and Nations. The show of women as Secretary of State since the Clinton years offers some hope that we as a nation are starting to recognize that women can do well with positions of power.

Sadly, some families are still failing to place the importance on the individual’s feelings in their homes. Young girls and boys are given all the privileges and material products of youth and yet denied responsibility towards the same along with the parents’ time to sit down and converse on matters that are important to their children. If a child grows up hearing,”Oh toughen up” or “that is Silly” or “Don’t be such a big sissy” or “That is stupid” and all of the other variables that come out of the mouths of parents then we are raising them to be void of both interests and emotions. They grow up feeling that the lack of their parent’s interest in what they are interested in means that they are not valued or loved.

All the mental health experts will tell us that those inappropriate statements of fact and lack of interest, in lieu of giving importance to the emotional needs of family members can and often does lead to mental abuse. We all know that physical abuse is wrong but there still remains a huge group of parents’ that do not understand that emotional abuse can be and often is so much harder to recover from and the scars of verbal abuse often last throughout our lifetime. Eventually physical abuse will get the attention of authorities somewhere , we hope, and will be dealt with accordingly. It is the emotional abuse that goes on in homes that is so much harder to defend against.

Adults still are unable today to recognize the damage they are doing in trying to toughen up their children so that they can stand up to the bullies of the world. If we all understood that the mere nature of being a child means that they will all learn , given time, the appropriate manner in dealing with the bullies of society then perhaps we would offer them more comfort, love, and understanding in our homes. The number one statements that comes out of the mouths of young women with teenage pregnancy and young adults who turn to alcohol and drugs when asked “why” almost always is,” because I needed to feel loved by someone, I was bored, or my parents did not understand me”

This is why I write about feelings. Most of us can understand how we feel when we get our feelings hurt but then not have a clue as to what we are doing wrong when our children exhibit behavior that shows low self-esteem or poor judgement. We as parents need to understand that everything in our children’s lives are important to them. Even if we do not tell them they are stupid or silly if we tell them what they enjoy doing is stupid or silly they still will then feel that they are stupid and silly because their interests are.

Name calling is so destructive to the pysches of young people especially, that many times our children will grow up to prove their parents right. If you tell your child that they or what they enjoy doing, is stupid, many times they will grow up and make stupid choices. If you refer to your young daughter as being a whore or slut then expect to welcome home your first grand baby while she is still a teen. Children will become what we say they are. Although it is hard to believe sometimes, the words that come out of the mouths of their parents, are the most important words of all. That is the significance that words or teaching our children apathy plays on their lives.

If all we do is give our children material goods and never teach them responsibility towards taking care of them, from the hamper to the wash machine, to the closet then we are giving them all the privileges of adult hood without any of the responsibilities, Just as we get bored doing nothing so do our children.

If we think the conversations we have transporting our children to their activities is quality time and then when they get home everyone heads to their own rooms then you need to be aware that you are risking a child making decisions that their brain is not capable of seeing the long-term consequences to. AT some point your children have turned from their parents to their friends because at another time we made it clear to them that we were either too busy or not interested.

Teach them to be responsible first and give them privileges second and spend time with them at home not always in the car and you will see a difference. The home needs to be the one safe place for them to do the things that they enjoy, free from the temptations of alcohol and drugs and from all the ugly names that they will learn from kids who parents will toughen them up because they are bringing it from the home that is just as lame as what you are mistakenly teaching your children.

The world is filled with apathy so please do not allow it into your own homes. Children need love, attention, empathy and compassion from their home. Do not worry, you will not ruin your children by teaching them the value of love. You will simply give them the time that they need to grow up and be prepared to give love in an adult rather than an immature relationship.

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Why Don’t Women Support Women?

It’s been a long held question on my part and one I certainly will never be able to understand. Prosecutors know that if they are prosecuting a case of rape it will be necessary to limit the number of women on the jury as women will be more likely to find the rape victim (the woman) guilty of causing the rape before men will.

Defense attorneys know to limit women on the jury when defending a bantered woman because of the risk that there will be women on the jury that have been bantered themselves and they will show less mercy for the bantered woman they are defending because they feel that it was their fault that they were bantered. Typically women think that they caused their own rapes or set themselves up to be beaten so they then will believe so did the woman on trial do the same.

The only thing that makes any sense to me is that women early in their lives become competitive with each other where as men are more accepting of each other. What I do not understand is when that starts and why. As we get older I understand full well what makes us competitive as there are all kinds of ads for products being sold that infiltrate the brain of women. We are told if we do not use their product then we will not be hip or cool and if we do not have the barbie figure then we are fat and undesirable to men and any number of messages that do weaken the morale of young girls and set them up to feeling inferior to others.

Women are raised believing that as the person that gives birth they are responsible for everything that is wrong if their child functions in less than perfect appearance, popularity,health, and ambition. Professionals on all level of the spectrum will hold mothers at fault for the failure of a child to thrive and praise men for taking a role in child rearing. Churches make it clear that the loss of virginity is not the fault of the boys or men as they are not able to control themselves, but the girl or women have a duty to remain virtuous. Even though abortions are greatly influenced by men, it is the woman’s fault if she goes ahead and gets one, regardless of the threats, coming from men if she does not get the abortion.

Women also know and understand how nasty women can be to each other much earlier than what boys are to boys. It is understandable to me that men would hold a man liable in both rape and bantering as many men will tell us that they know how men think and men can be real dogs when it comes to their view of the woman’s anatomy. So as we get older I understand the back ground that leads to the lack of support of women for women.

I then can go back to what I know about parenting and that is that children do not listen starting at a very early age but they do watch the way parents speak and function. Knowing that, I can only conclude, that girls learn to take fault or blame for everything early on in their lives and to be nasty to other girls because they learn this behavior before they are capable of understanding it, from watching their mothers. If anyone else has another explanation please feel free to comment. Thanks.

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Why My Favorite Years Were the Pre-Teen and the Teen Years!

As I’ve written previously, during the pre-teen and teen years all the imprints of childhood will come out in full force. All the behavior in ourselves,that, we thought little of, when we were trying to figure out our own behavior, does come out in form of accusation from our children, in their adolescent and teenager years. Especially in homes, where children are disciplined, but allowed self expression.

Why then, in the name of God, would they be anyone’s favorite years of parenting? I guess it was because, it wasn’t until then, that I could actually see the value of raising my daughters to be independent. Although a good many days were spent “biting my tongue” and “turning the other cheek”. it was during these years, that I knew, that if they could challenge me, they could challenge the World.

I do not want to leave anyone with the impression that these years are all spent in disharmony, as they were/are not. It definitely is a time of parenting, when all things are challenged, but it is also an opportunity to give us the last few years to reach out and show them unconditional love. To take their judgements with a “grain of salt” is as big of a mistake as to take them personally, and retire into our bedrooms in tears.

Next to the new born years, their will never be a time in our lives, that our children need our guidance more or reject it more. It is a perfect opportunity in our lives, to “get over ourselves.” Their emotions are going all directions, they may indeed feel close to us, but if that isn’t sancro-sanct with their friends, then they will rebell as well. Yes, even with independent children, and I might add, especially with independent children. After all, these are the children that will spread their wings and leave the nest with ambition enough to prove to us that they can do a better job, than we did. It is our job as parents to prepare them to do just that. As much as we want them to feel as we do, they have their own futures, to make the difference in. They will have challenges that we don’t even know exist. The same way my grandparents were introduced to television, and our parents were introduced to tech. They better be prepared to compete with the NEEDS of their generations.

I was fortunate in that our basement became, home central, as that way, I always knew where they were. They also were with children that they helped bring up the moral code on, or were of similiar moral values. Again as a parent, it is naive, however, to think that all their friends will be of the same value system. Afterall, it is the time, that most will at least think of exploring the wild side. If they do not do it during this time, they will definitely do it later. I always felt it better to explore, while under my watchful eyes, than after they left home.

I patted myself on the back for thinking I was on my toes enough to catch them before they had a chance to explore too far, but they assured me, that I didn’t catch them in all things. Yes I was Blessed as being able to be home and be a full time parent during this dramatic time in their lives, so they could use me to make statements like”my Mom is home she will kill me if I’m not home” worked in their favors, if they found themselves being pressured, but I knew with years ahead to make their own mistakes, these were the only years I would have, as well as they would have, to avoid peer pressure.

Again, these were my favorite years because they did test my resolve for undconditional love, I shared in a time of their lives where they were really just opening their eyes to view the world on what would be their terms, not mind, and I enjoyed a pride and joy, under neath it all, that I had never felt more, at any other time of my life.

If you are yet to experiene these years, then just keep in mind, these years are meant to be, between you and your childrens’ struggles, to be the people they were meant to be, and not a blue print of us. It all works out, as long as we stay on our toes, and let them know that , “Sorry YOU still have parents!” I only warn you that they are also meant to be the years that we parents did everything wrong and thereby our humbling years. It’s always good for the soul to be humbled as it opens our eyes to the fact that we all need to work on ourselves more, while judging others less. Good Luck!

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