It’s Not You,It’s Me

“It’s not you, it’s me,” is the biggest break up line that is used or heard, by all of us, who are in and out of relationships.More times than not, there is a great deal of truth to it, and we ourselves, are totally confused as to why this relationship,that we had so many hopes for, has failed.Other times, we/they knew it was doomed from the start and the words “It’s not you, it’s me” often are used to let someone we/they have dated or been with,for a while, down easy. It is equal to,”can we still be friends?”

When we understand there is more truth to it than not, we will be wise to examine ourselves to discover why it is that we cannot commit or are willing to settle for less than what we deserve. If that is not the problem, it is quite possible our alarms were going off and it is a good thing we got out of the relationship.

Other times we/they were just stringing us/them along, because we/they were lonely and had hopes that,maybe, if we/they gave us/them a chance, something could work out. Other times, we/they may be fearful of the aggression or anger in us/them, so we/they try to spare ourselves or themselves from the anger, as well.

If you follow or read my posts then you understand that I always encourage ourselves to take responsibility for the role we play in relationships.I do not do that because I feel we are always wrong or at fault. I do that because it is so much easier to deal with pain and heal from it, once we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and we understand our own motives.If we are looking for less than what we establish as our goals, or have placed the bar so high as to be unattainable for any human to achieve,we need to know both about ourselves,first.

Many times people are placed in our lives to teach us and to learn from them, so we quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and unless we evaluate ourselves, as to why we keep inviting the same type of person into our lives, we will never change the pattern.

It is hard enough to be betrayed or hurt once by someone without allowing them to hurt us over and over again, because we end up hating them and obsessing over it, for months or sometimes years. Each time we express hate and anger towards another we hurt ourselves one more time, because we fail to realize that it is many times ourselves, who we are angry at, since we were warned or recognized something was wrong, but ignored the warnings anyway.

We often feel we can handle the problem or allow others to mistreat us, and then later become upset at ourselves, because we find that it was a far greater problem than what we were prepared to deal with.By harboring hate against another, we many times harbor unrest against ourselves,as well.

When we do this,especially when it is the father or mother of our child or children, those who are the closest to us more times than not, are hurt by our obsessing as well.All the ranting and raving that we are doing is teaching our children that people of the other gender, will hurt us,so therefore they can’t trust anyone to the point that they will find they are going into relationships looking for and finding fault,many times, where fault does not even exist.

Too often, both we and they will dismiss relationships that are with honorable people because we/they go looking for the jerks since we have taught them as well as ourselves, that every one of the opposite gender, is a jerk or a bitch anyway, so we might as well let these people into our lives. Other times they will choose these people, looking for the love they felt they lost out on with their absent parents. Other times we and they will sell themselves or ourselves short, thinking they or we are damaged goods, and do not deserve any better.

We often hear people ask,”Do I have a jerk magnate attached somewhere?” If we are opposite of the person who does not learn to trust and are too trustworthy,the answer is sometimes,” yes,”and can be comparable to those who fail to trust.

The thing a jerk looks for, in their next relationship, is how easy we are to con or manipulate.If we are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings it will stand out as a “sore thumb”, to those who are only looking for someone to believe their bag of lies,hard luck stories, or they are planning on using us. Many women as well as men will check out our financial status before and then pretend to bump into us, when it has been planned from the beginning.

Other times we may be the type of person who responds well to having our ego stroked or to romance. They will pick up on that as well and flood us with compliments and roses followed by candle lit dinners. Other times they are only looking for the thrill of the challenge and will disappear once they can add another notch to their belts.

The reality of life is that not all people are nice people. Many are narcissists either giving the appearance of or living financially successful lives, because they are experts at getting what they want for themselves. Others will betray us,while others seek out the vulnerable to use, so they never have to work a day in their lives. Sometimes they are very charming and good-looking and can peel the clothes right off of us, but it does not change the fact that their motives are deceitful.

Not all people are deliberately devious,on the other hand,either. In many cases people simply do not learn common courtesy and are insensitive by nature, because they have not been exposed to living any differently.Many a husband or wife has had to provide what was missing in the life of their spouse, due to the lack of direction or maturity in taking responsibility, prior to meeting them.

We cannot provide them with what we think is/was missing, however, unless they recognize they need help and wish us to. We can only offer guidance according to the needs and understanding of both people co-operating. We will not fix or control them to get our own needs met or to force our parent’s idea of what works, on them, without having disastrous results.

Since neither we or our spouse are our parents or their parents,but instead two separate individuals, we need to establish a more amenable set of rules, to be able to conform to the new awareness of our generation, for our own sake and that of our children.If one of us came from an overly strict household where another came from a home that allowed more self-expression, then we need to reach an agreement on what rules to keep or which to discard.

We need to compete with the current generation in which we live by determining the mixture of morality from both of our homes, that we both agree to keep as a couple.Every couple needs to agree on and establish their own value system in order to keep confusion out of the lives of their children.

To go into a relationship,thinking differently, when we neither know who we are or if our own parenting reasoning is sound, often means that we will not know if what we find lacking or missing in them, is not our own interpretation, when in truth, they are the better prepared to help us, if we do not understand ourselves.It takes mutual respect of both our differences as well as our likes along with the person we are or are meant to be, to determine what will work best in any relationship. It is when we make demands on another to be someone they are not, we need to take responsibility for our own mistakes.

When we understand the differences, because we are better grounded ourselves,we will be able to distinguish between the naive,the confused and the deliberate, unless we come from a similar background.If neither of us have been taught morality then we need to establish a new set of rules. In that case we may both be helped by tuning in more to our own short comings and changing that part of ourselves in an effort to teach our children the importance of character. Compassion and empathy for each other, or the lack of it, will usually show through and are hard to disguise, long-term.If we cannot offer both we will usually find that both will be slow to be returned to us.

If we all know and understand ourselves first, then we will know the difference between what makes us respond or react. When our feelings are mixed up and confused then we need to use our common sense and reasoning.Common sense will tell us if we are confused when we do not refuse to listen to it.

No one human being has not been hurt as a result of making assumptions that were wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.We are not different or unique or stupid in doing the same. It does us no good to get down on ourselves when we do make a mistake,but we do need to learn from our mistakes by dealing with ourselves. Sometimes we will need to talk to someone who has been where we are and who can help us reason more clearly.We need to avoid those who we know are not good for us instead of seeking them out.

I am tired of seeing the true losers in life, destroy good people who are sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time. Any time we are vulnerable because we have not allowed ourselves to grieve from the lost of a loved one,our health, or income, then we need to be exceptionally careful before making rash decisions.

When we understand our own strength and weaknesses, then we will understand where and when we need to protect ourselves and forget about hurting the feelings of those who have ulterior motives. When we do we will recognize those who operate on both payback as well as their own agendas only.

Unless we can get rid of the false bravado that too many of us carry, that it will never happen to us, because we are too smart, we will not learn to trust our own instincts. By understanding that bad things can happen to good people, we will take the blame off of ourselves and instead accept that we were unprepared but will make certain we will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Too many times it is as simple as our being in the wrong place at the wrong time emotionally or mentally,because we were not prepared or did not even know there would be risk. My posts are about learning that we can trust, once we trust the fact that we have prepared ourselves through knowledge of ourselves instead of wasting time blaming others.

Unless we take full responsibility for our own self as well as our own behavior, from rising in the morning to retiring at night, we leave a door open for jerks to enter. We will commonly know someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend are a real bitch or jerk, because many times we spend too much of our time judging them or evaluating our friend’s relationships, when this time would be better spent on evaluating ourselves.

Nothing protects or gives back more than learning our own strengths and weaknesses.Knowledge will teach us to strengthen our weaknesses, while letting up on our paranoia. Life and dating should always be about loving and enjoying because we can trust our own motives, as well as our own choices.

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We Find Our Own Happiness

This post is going to relate to my own interpretation of joy and happiness as I have experienced it, as most of my posts do.I’m sure many an expert will disagree with points that I make, but in the end, I have come to appreciate that none of us can base our own lives on what someone else thinks, but instead on what we know to be true.

I have never felt the need to discriminate against anyone, once I matured into an adult.As a result,I have been befriended by both the wealthy and the poor, as well as,different belief systems, genders and races, and I find what is true with one of us, is true about all of us.

We are all looking for happiness and contentment, in life. Many of us who have children will put their happiness first, until it does dawn on us that the things we buy for ourselves or our children, have a very short shelf life.

If we do not change our direction in thinking, “buying makes us happy,” too many times, we will resent our own children or others, that we buy for,because they lack appreciation. Even when we know that the problem is our own spending habits and we are going broke,doing so, some of us will need to learn. “We don’t always get our cake and eat it too.”.We need to understand that people who wish to do for themselves,will resent our continuous need to make ourselves feel better,at their expense, because many times in our need to buy, we only make them feel obligated to us.

It is the things that we do as well as the words we use to express our feelings towards others that, often times, brings happiness to both of us. Just a smile to a stranger, can many times turn the direction of both of our days. When we choose to smile back we share our own happiness with them.

I had been spending a great deal of my time with a wealthy person in my youth, so when the person who showed up in my life, neither had her front teeth and the sole on her shoe, was loose, the first thing that was most obvious to me, was how happy she was living such an uncomplicated life.

After having listened to the wealthy complain about having to attend another, “black tie,” function, that she was dreading attending, but worried she would be shunned if she did not, it was such a breath of fresh air to spend time with the woman, who had raised her family, and did not have a care in the world. She was retired living primarily on her social security check, but since she enjoyed good health and neither wanted or needed much, her life was her own. She was content and settled with her poverty and peace of mind.

In my estimation, all human beings are made up of the body the mind and the soul, or if you prefer,our mental,physical and spiritual well-being. When we over-balance attention to another and neglect the other, we feel restless or discontent with ourselves. If we tune into our own feelings, we will not turn the negatives that we feel within ourselves onto others.

People who have learned to express themselves through crafts,art, or creative talent can bring peace to their mental well-being but if we never deal with the problem that drives us to be unhappy, we only delay the root of the problem.We need to get to the bottom of what it is that truly is upsetting us, since we need to give equal attention to the balance of our physical,spiritual and mental parts. In short we place a band-aid on an arterial bleed that needs to be sewn shut, if we only live for the minute or the short time, without healing our own pain or looking for happiness that we can trust.

As I have mentioned in past posts, too often, the victims will feel guilt or the victimizers will pass blame.When we have been traumatized, we need to talk about it and heal it, with those who can help us. If we neither confront the truth and heal it, we deny ourselves happiness.No one can make us happy if we are ready to accept being miserable nor can we be happy unless we are happy with ourselves.

Plenty of people can interfere with our own happiness, if we allow them to, but no one but ourselves,can make us happy.No one is responsible for our seeking happiness and unless we do, we will too many times blame others, when we are not happy. Once we do establish happiness with ourselves then people in our lives can either add to or subtract from it, because we have let their emotions or upsets affect how we view or accept life.

Happiness is more than just an attitude. It is what comes from inside of us so that we live and breathe it, while sharing it with others. If we find it is impossible to maintain our own happiness,without using alcohol,drugs,out working everyone else in an effort to avoid our home, or buying things, then we do need to evaluate the reasons why, we are not making the changes that will and do lead to our own happiness.

Sometimes it can be the negative crowd or group, we hang with. We do, too many times, become like the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes it is because we do not feel good, and we cannot feel that any of us are going to feel good, when we feel physically,mentally, or spiritually, rotten.

When we know that we are a worse person with others, because we lower our own mental and spiritual well-being,in an effort to be included or fit in, we are not going to be happy, unless we do make the changes that will lead to becoming the person we wish to be.

When we over-look the truth and surround ourselves in denial, then we also are not being realistic about our own happiness. Perhaps we are the leader of the bunch, when it comes to a joyless group. We won’t know unless we try to change the direction within the group,first.

Many times, we will find it is our own lack of happiness that is spreading over all of the group. When we laugh because we are happy, they many times will laugh with us. However if they are laughing at us, then we can be certain, that we are not the leader.

The mean-spirited will always believe those who are hurt or get hurt as a result of their words or actions, are just too sensitive, so why do we stay? Happiness is a habit that is very real and is part of who we are. We find it within ourselves. We do not shove it onto others. We do not use it to judge others. We wake up with it and take it to bed with us. It lives within us when we are happy being the person we are.

We find happiness in children, who live in the present, because they can trust Mom and Dad to take care of everything. Happiness brings us back to the present, because we don’t have to worry about what we are going to do, as we already know our strengths and weaknesses.

We know or are reasonably certain, that we will react or respond according to a good day or a poor day, and as a result of how we are feeling about, ourselves. We know it all may change tomorrow but when or if it does, we can trust ourselves just like we always have before, because a Power higher than us has the last word. Happiness is truly all about feeling good about who we are and trusting our motives, as well as our love, without finding fault and blame in others.

Everyone else in our life are the extras who bring us joy or sometimes disappointment, if we incorrectly assume anything about them or try to control them. We have learned that not all relationships are meant to last. We don’t worry so much who will be there for us because we have provided, as well as, possible for our own needs.

We miss you but understand our differences were too great to over come, for one of us if not both of us, or we understand that our lives were intended to take a different path or the Dear Lord was ready for you. We have grieved and healed from the lost, and understand that we only get to live this life once so we put in the hard work to live happy!It begins with one step at a time, towards changing ourselves.

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Setting Standards In Our Life

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

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Accepting Me Accepting You

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

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Iiving A Contented Life

Contentment is the epitome of life itself, in my opinion. I have had people tell me that they need more thrill in life or need to keep things stirred up more in order to enjoy themselves. I understand that a contented life probably isn’t for everyone but, in my book, it can’t be beat.

What ever kind of life we choose to live, the facts are, the important thing to remember is to not delay making the decisions or make the decisions in too much haste. Life was intended to be lived on balance in all things, and sadly, the great majority of all of us do tend to go from one extreme to the other. We must have a plan as those who do just let life happen are the same who often end up bitter thinking that they got screwed while such and such just set back and watched it fall in their lap. It never happens that way, folks, to anyone, other than possibly the fraudulent who ultimately pay a larger price when they get caught and the lottery winners, who many times regret that they won, as it often costs very important relationships in the process.

Opportunity ventures its face in the life of all of us and as the saying goes”he who hesitates is lost” but on the other hand the opposite applies as well that”good things comes to those who wait”.It is a matter of knowing the difference when it happens because we either planned for it or was in a position to make the decisions necessary when it arrived.

To contradict that statement on very rare and I do mean rare occasions people do seem to have a luck that does out surpass most. Although I’m not a big fan of the idea that success has much of anything to do with luck, I do know that sometimes even the unconscious will stumble onto something and come out smelling like roses as a result of it.Anyone who counts on luck though is usually going to be sadly disappointed.

It does none of us any good to blame anyone else for the life we are living because we always have options to make choices that will reflect our own lifestyle. We cannot predict the market anymore than we can predict a slot machine. Con men and women will always take us for a ride. Credit cards all need to be paid for as do the bills. Not sooner or later but on time. Checkbooks need to be kept balanced, just as, we need to live according to what we make and not according to how someone else lives. It is our responsibility to know and understand the difference, and at the same time understand that if we fail today then there is another day to try again. The important thing is with practice we eliminate failure and not increase it. Most especially we do need to understand,that our adult children need to make their own decisions as well and live according to their own earned means and not according to our means.If we do not raise them to be responsible,self-sufficient, and kind we have only ourselves to blame.

It is true that, “bad things do happen to good people,” and my experience is that the great majority of people who do have the worse of tragedy in their lives are often the ones that set the best example for the rest of us to follow. They seem much wiser in their knowledge of the value of forgiveness and giving up on hate than many of us whose lives have simply followed the pattern of what life is intended to follow. Health problems can and will destroy the life that many of us had planned on living as does crime. I give you all exemption from the rule of thumb,”that we make our own decisions”,however at the same time, we all will need to decide how we are going to make the best out of what we have left with life, so it does get back to the decisions we make for ourselves.

Whatever life we choose for ourselves we all need to understand it takes planning and sitting around waiting to hit it big with the lottery is not going to cut it. We also have all different kinds of ways at looking at just what contentment means to each of us. I knew if I married someone just like myself that life would probably get quite boring if not downright dragging in a short time. What has made my marriage interesting has been our differences. Believe me, my husband and I are totally polar opposites. Our main and abiding sameness is our morality. Our sense of right and wrong, if not identical, is as close to it as any two people can get. Others will bully in order to get their mates to be identical to them in their thinking, or go out looking for a mini-me. Not me boy. I will always want to know what the other side of life looks like.

Money is the sign of contentment for some, to others having the luxury of good health , being able to travel for another,the time to read for those who never had time before is contentment, and spending time with grandchildren for others. My idea of contentment is living life with a clear conscience, owing no person anything, and having given better than I took from life, while hoping my husband and I live long enough that our grandchildren remember who we were and what we stood for, and their evaluation comes out on a positive note over a negative. I also hope I leave behind a few that can think of me and smile. The beauty of living a content life is that it can and is as variable as there are people. For some it is what they feel or look like, to others what they do or own, and to many others who they have become. That is why we need to seek for ourselves what mysteries life holds for each of us.

I’ve had enough money to know that the more that we have the more responsibility we owe and the more expectation people have in us. I have traveled well enough to know after two weeks I want to be home on my own mattress and cooking home cooked meals.As much as I love my grandchildren I owe it to their Mom and Dad to stay out of their way as much as I can. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to keep doing as much of it as I can and gaining even more from the adventure.

Contentment to all of us, in my estimation, should mean taking care of ourselves and our own problems for as long as is humanly possible and then asking for help when we need it. Often times when parents have been overly generous and bailed out their adult children they are owed definite financial help when the adult children can help out financially and the parents have met with hardship.If bailing them out consists of more than once or twice or became a frequent occurrence it is unrealistic to think that they or us, either one, will have income for our old age.

In other cases adult children have taken responsibility for themselves from the minute they turned 18 and owe us nothing more than they choose to give. Our children are our responsibility up to the age of 18 and they are not responsible for what we choose to give them anymore than they are for what we fail to give them, prior to their becoming an adult. All the money we spend on spoiling them that does not go into an education or teaching responsibility is spent more for our own purposes to make ourselves look and feel good than it is spent towards making our own children more responsible or self-sufficient. Too many people when they get older either think their kids owe them and move in to aggravate their lives when they still have the capacity to look out after themselves or are so stubborn they force their children into making the tough decisions that the elderly should had made before they got so old they became incapacitated.

It is possible when my husband and I both get to that point that we will be the biggest pains of all, but I hope not. We have made plans to do a little of what he wants to do and a little of what I want to do at the same time we both understand that”life is what we are busy planning for when the uncontrollable happens.” If we don’t at least plan and accumulate savings, one thing we all know for certain, when we cannot afford to retire is we will have no plans or choices to make, beyond being a Wal-Mart greeter or something comparable or living a life we never planned on living.

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Bitterness vs. Congenial

Have you noticed,as I have, that those who are bitter tend to blame as those who are congenial tend to reason? I have a great deal of admiration for those who are betrayed and “dumped on” and are able to find their own blame in the relationship. This is common in first divorces where the couple were more mature when they did marry, according to my experiences, and other times, when a couple married young and have spent years growing up together. I see divorces that often end in compassion for each other when couples are realistic enough to accept their own blame and able to reason the “why” of its failure.

The hard divorce to ever get a handle on are those who profess to be in love, yet two weeks later, they are straying and justifying their leaving by blaming the same person they just said two weeks before, was perfect for them. The lack of character in these people usually becomes quite obvious, fairly quickly, when we realize that there has never been any depth to what they do believe in or stand for. This is the person who agrees with us instead of taking a stand of their own or showing any backbone for what they do believe in. There are very immature people who will see themselves as God’s gift to women in many cases or many times women who find out that an old boyfriend is now available.

So why is it, those who have been married 5 or 6 times seem to be more bitter than those who are trusting? I can’t personally think that after that many divorces any of us are going to be credible in playing a victims role in our marriage. Isn’t there a pretty good clue there, somewhere, that commitment to this person is going to be a real bitch? At the very least why do they keep choosing losers?

I can’t imagine putting one person, I profess to love, through the heartache of divorce much less 5 or 6, and calling myself humane or compassionate. On the other hand, if we are the one being left behind each time, shouldn’t we wise up and question our own choices without being bitter because yet another finds us difficult to live with?

When shit happens, which it always does, we have two choices: either learn from it in an effort not to repeat it or grow bitter and hate everyone else for it. I don’t know many people, unless they are strung out on drugs or alcohol, who do find bitter an attractive trait. It is true that while we grieve loss we will all have days of bitterness or anger until we are healed but it should not become a lifetime personality disorder. It is when children grow up never knowing a day that their parent was not bitter, that we have to recognize, the real tragedy of bitterness.

We all know people, who regardless of how hard we try to please them, they are never going to be pleased. These types of marriages, when people remain married, often times, do lead their mate to an early grave. The biggest mistake, I think, that we all make before we so naively go into marriage or a committed relationship, is to think that all people can be pleased if we truly work at it, or we can make a bitter person, happy.

Somewhere, someone lied to all of us in that assumption. The truth is there are selfish mean-spirited people who will never be pleased nor will they work towards pleasing others, no matter how hard we try. Sadly, they never show us that side of themselves before we say “I Do” in many cases. Because dating, itself, can be such a phony experience for most of us, we can never think that our marriages will not fail or are fail-proof while others will have marriages fail or that ours will never work while others make theirs’ work. More times than not, it is based on the choice of character in the person who we choose or our own lack of maturity, and how well they or we can disguise their or our real or lack of character. Other times people are not always ready to marry or they mistake lust for love and commitment.

Marriages that succeed, are not always based on the effort that we put into them. People are people and sometimes people just like marriages fail. Only the brainwashed, those who wear rose-colored glasses and live in denial, or those who choose a badge of honor, for lack of effort extended, will insist on staying and making their mates, as well as their children,as miserable as they themselves are, often in the name of God. Sadly, God, would prefer we would all show some congeniality and work towards a family who had a chance towards happiness instead of staying in a miserable dysfunctional home, in my own personal book.

It does pay to at least look for character first and foremost in the person who we do marry, but so many con people are out to please until after they marry, so like life in general, none of us ever come with a guarantee. Since people are getting acquainted on-line, be certain you ask them what is important to them first as there are too many who do not have a clue as to what is important to them and many times will only parrot us, in an effort to please.

Too many can and do show just how empty the real truth of their character is, and prove it, only after we marry them. Like everything else in life though, marriage, also has the possibility of being the greatest thing in life that we can ever do. No one should cheat themselves out of that experience, at least once, because of fear of failure. When two people click for a lifetime there will never be a greater experience in our lives, than a happy marriage. Whatever happens, the best friends any of us have a potential of ever meeting, is the person we marry and the one that looks back at us, from a mirror. Good Luck and make it a fun experience!

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Certificate Of Parenthood Awarded Later

Most of us think when we give birth we are automatically parents, because giving birth does make us parents. However, ‘the certificate of parenthood’, should never be granted until after our job is done.

With most children that have been raised to be independent and self-sufficient, that usually comes at the age of 18. When, for one reason or the other, they have not been taught to do their laundry,feed themselves including cooking,get themselves out of bed, and balance a checkbook from the income they have earned the certificate should be delayed. Do not think shopping, applying make-up,choosing their clothes and dating will teach them independence or self-sufficiency. Taking care of their own needs does. It is sometimes too easy to grant privileges and then fail to teach responsibility. Sometimes we only get one chance in life, so it is very important that we do understand they will require our guidance, even when they fight us on it.

So many parents will go ahead and pat themselves on their back when their children are yet young saying what they will do and what they won’t do when their children get older and this is always a sad mistake to make. Most of us think we know how to raise children before we give birth to our children and then realize,”Hey we didn’t have a clue” once we do become parents. The truth is, none of us know what we will do later, either. Just because we may have dated at 13 or held a job at 15 does not mean our children will be ready to date at 13. Just because Willy and Mary are now easily spotted when they do wrong does not mean they will be when they are out of our homes most of the day. Each child is an individual, living at a different time and era with different pressures than what we had.

If our socio-economic situation is different from our parents,public schools and technology changes,our belief system changes with using our own brains to express ourselves instead of mom and dad doing our thinking for us, or we share the duties of parenthood with our mates, who were raised differently from us, then we go through what is commonly known as a generation gap. Children are not the only ones that are continually changing as we adults change as well. We do not just have the terrible twos and all of a sudden it jumps to adolescence, and then adulthood and then bingo the life changes are accomplished. With each decade, if we mature accordingly, we will change as well as our mate and children will change differently from us.

I agree it is important to let go of our children at an appropriate time but to announce that when they screw up they will be on their own to fly and to correct their mistakes, but if someone else makes them screw up, we will help them, never really comes into play. The truth is just like us, their brain is not fully functional and operable until the age of 21. If you did not make mistakes or made them all deliberately before that age, then you were an exception to the rule rather than the norm. Many mistakes will be made both by parent and child before they turn 21, and if we love each other unconditionally, they will forgive us and we will forgive them and make the decisions at the time they happen.

Once we go through the humbling years of teenagers and we have done our job right, and our children do have resentment boarding on hate for us,and we look older and are getting grayer each day, then we will be much nearer to earning, “that certificate of parenthood.” Until then it is always a safe bet that we would be wise to never say my children would never or I would never because we will find out yes our children would and we will, as well. Right now you are just wasting time and breath by making a judgement call usually against people who you will understand better, later.

(Please note: Although it is true that once our children do leave home our job as a parent is finished when it comes to child rearing, we never quit being a parent. More times than not our children will be 30 before we know if the advice or training we or society gave them was sufficient for success. No matter how old they get they will always need our love and emotional support.)

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“Its The Way We Roll”

A while back when I asked my 5-year-old grandchild why he liked to put so much cinnamon on his oatmeal, he replied, “It’s the way I roll, grandma.” We often find young children comfortable with being who they are and it is only as they age that they start changing their own personality to conform into the thinking or the lifestyle of others. We are all born with a creative side to us and those that are encouraged to express that side often times will be the great artists amongst us. So often many of us do grow up to put more emphasis on becoming the person that we think others want us to become instead of remaining the person that we are meant to be.

It is when we lose sight of what makes us strong as a human and the talents that we possess that we often fall into the trap that others set for us. “Misery loves company” proves itself out long before we reach the knowledge of what effect that misery does have on our own persona. The more negative the people are that we hang with the more likely we will become just as negative. The only way most of us can go back to enjoying life again, as we did when we did have the courage to believe in ourselves, is to detach ourselves from those that do want to make misery their companion.

Although I noticed early on in life that when children start acting out it is usually as a result of wanting to be the center of attention, it took me much longer to recognize that people who are miserable actually get off on misery. In some ways when children are feeling neglected or are confused as to where they fit into the family, they will act out and start talking back. Often times the eldest child will become the confidant of the adults and no longer know if he or she is now an adult or a child. Too often we parents will share adult problems with children that should still be involved with play. Many times when a child does act out they will find that, “the squeaky wheel gets the most attention” and as long as they are getting attention they do not much care if it is positive or negative as long as the parents are focusing on them.

This is the same principle that adults use when it comes to constant complaints. The person capable of taking care of their own needs and does not borrow from our time or attention often times goes ignored and gets set to the side. I asked my cousin who taught Psychology at the University and had years into private practice if he thought there were people who did use misery in order to be happy or at peace.

At the time I was worn down by two people in my life that I foolishly thought at one time I might be able to help, but was realizing that they were draining me of my energy with their hard luck stories and it was taking a toll on my own health. My cousin, the Doctor, was quick to answer, “Oh sure there are people who are happy being miserable” When I recognize them I always refer them out to another psychologist that will take the time to listen to them as that is all they really want, is to be heard and the focal point.” He then added that he got into Psychiatry in order to help people understand or change their lives in order to live a more satisfactory life and so often people who enjoy being miserable are already getting what they want, and do not want help to change, so he referred them to Dr.s more interested in gaining revenue.(Please note: people with severe mental illness who are incapable of understanding reality or living it do not fit this pattern)

I found, that if I refused to answer the phone as I was busy, that the two people in my life at the time, would deliberately call and call and wait until I finally would give in and answer the phone and would then hang up on me. It gave them the sick idea that if I would no longer listen to their constant complaints nor allow them to manipulate me, then they would show me what it felt like by hanging up on me. Never mind the fact that I could care less as I wasn’t in the habit of complaining to them nor was I asking anything of them anyway. I do have to admit that the constant calling was irritating at the time.

By their own immature actions it actually relieved me of all guilt or need to feel responsible to either of them again. Prior to this I would even save and sacrifice my own financial lifestyle in order to pay their expenses or take them somewhere to try to lighten their moods. I was being manipulated to the point that I was losing touch of my own priorities and doing for one of the families what I needed to be doing for my own.

Once I realized that misery was the level that they all drew to, to try to out miserable each other with who had life worse or to gain sympathy in order to use others, it was then my option to gain control of me again.

I still do acts of random kindness for one of them, because of her place in my life, but it is on my time frame and my availability to do so. I find great peace of mind in the idea of leaving the others to enjoy their misery. I am back to being the person that I had lost and loving every minute of it! When we realize as great of a friend as we are to others is the same friend we can be to ourselves, we learn to be grateful and appreciate our own lives that much more from having had the experience.

This is the best way, that I have of explaining to anyone, why it is that we can many times make our own lives as simple as or as complicated as we want to make them. How about you–Do you have any “misery seeking company” in your lives? Usually these people do start out needing our help and sympathy but many times they will become comfortable in the role and unless we learn to back off they will never seek out their own happiness by letting go of their misery. Lets face it, they are getting more attention,gifts,excuses, entitlement, and praise through sympathy than they ever got through being responsible because we are guaranteeing that they do.

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When Life Works And Mainly It Does

I’ve written mainly on the problems that exist in life and marriage because we as a Society often times spend entirely too much of our time living in denial or inventing a fantasy land that does not exist.

Men and women are simply different in the way they approach life and how they perceive people. When a woman is complaining many times it is just a mechanism to relieve a stressful day but often men feel they are complaining because they are looking for or asking for a solution to a problem. Because of this difference alone, so many times, problems will erupt in the communication of the couple and it is neither right or wrong or anyone’s fault when it does. It is simply the difference in how men approach life as versus what a woman is reacting to.

I am always amazed to hear women complaining over something in their mate which is nothing more than the man’s simple attempt to show his wife that he hears her and wants to help. I have heard women go on and on about something that is nothing more than a man’s interpretation of how to deal with a situation where as the woman is not looking for a solution but rather complaining for the sake of complaining. I have a difficult time myself, understanding what it is that makes some women happy as versus what she truly is needing. I think all of we women can agree to this ourselves that our sisters can be and are moody if not down right bitchy, but instead we tend to group together and get our feelings hurt because a man does not understand us.

Most marriages work because we do fall into a comfortable routine eventually and accept the differences between the sexes. Men as a whole do not batter their wives and not all women nag their husbands to death. So many couples actually start resembling each other in their appearances and their mannerisms. If we are mature enough to accept the differences in our lives while respecting the need for space in both ourselves as well as our spouse, then marriage can be and is one of the best things that will ever happen in our lives.

We do many times start the marriage out with our lovers and kindred spirits and fall into a life of enjoyment and successes sprinkled with failures with our best friends. As we advance in our years, once we do understand that all marriages sometimes do need breathing room, separate interests, and equal priorities while attaining and reaching our goals together, we will find that we do become almost mirror images of each other internally if not externally. A good marriage makes both of us better people.

Recently I had a friend visit and she said she had spent the last 20 years of her life convinced she hated her husband and was only staying with him because they were at long last building their dream home. Their marriage had started out very rocky with him being abusive until she put her foot down and he quit the bad behavior. As we visited over the period she was here, I noticed she often said ,”That must be a man thing” when my husband and I were talking.

It was, with surprise to me, that before she left, she had diagnosed her own problem through watching our marriage. She announced to me, she felt she could go back and have a friendship with her husband who she thought she had hated for the last 20 years. I was delighted for her and asked what had made the difference.

She said she has been in a rut for years now talking with two of her sisters who were both her best friends and all they do is compare notes on who has the worse husband of the 3. After watching my husband, who is just a big teddy bear, she realized that her husband for the last 20 years had been reaching out to be her friend and it had been her that had read in ulterior motives or was only looking to find fault. She felt if she started talking about what is right in her marriage perhaps she could save it after all. Sometimes solutions in life are just that simple.

People can be highly suggestive or subjective and many times we will see where one friend becomes restless and bored so does the other. This is just as true in men as it is in women. It is not uncommon to see three couples split up following the first couple of the group breaking up. It is not just children who submit to suggestions as well as peer pressure. Marriage rquires maturity and that does not always come with specified numbers or age.

When we watch the program “hoarders” so many of the people acknowledge that they began hoarding when their mothers died. Truly these were people who never learned how to let go, as realistically we all know that our parents as a rule, will die before we will and yet if mothers do not enforce the untying of the apron string or we do not take the initiative to let go emotionally, the grieving becomes more difficult that it should be.

Marriage is about turning to each other and working through our life’s struggles together. If it is not working then perhaps we need to understand that the two of us are not communicating without finding fault and passing blame and get the necessary professional help that we need.

The bad thing about divorce is that we not only give up our future together we also give up our past. So many will remarry the same person that they just divorced without the shared history that made their first marriages wonderful. Just like my friend noted, “she was stuck in a group of negative women” that found their strength on what was wrong instead of what is right. It is not unusual at all to hear couples say they make much better friends than they made lovers when they were married and not even realize that when most couples divorce they also give up their groups that often times led to or influenced the discontent amongst them.

(Please note this does not apply to marriages or relationships that are both abusive or adulterous. In both these cases blame must be shouldered or it will be repeated. The person doing both the abuse or having affairs has already broken the vows)

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The Heartache of Abuse: People Who Protect

Abuse of an innocent child, woman, or minority is difficult enough to deal with but it is magnified ten times by the people who protect the abusers. The question is why do people find it necessary to protect abusers and what is behind their drive to do so?

Those of us that have experienced abuse may be in time able to rationalize the sickness that drove these people to abuse but to find that they are protected and we are called liars is where the pain of abuse becomes totally unjust. Many of us that have confronted the abusers only end up to find that the cop that has a long history of abuse in the Department,is protected and found innocent by internal affairs; the child reports the father or grandfather and the mother calls them a liar and leaves them alone with Dad or Grandpa to continue the abuse; the child reports the school official and their peers mock and bully them; the child reports their minister or priest and their parents call them liars while the Bishops send them elsewhere to offend again.

We are talking about millions of lives that get destroyed by the true liars amongst us who are not just the abusers but the people who deny the abuse happened or know it happened, and lie about it. When an abuser is protected then neither the abuser or the abused get the help that will ultimately help heal the pain of the offense.

What drives these people who protect the abusers if it is not some selfish or mean spirited reason on their part? Be it reputation of the family, police department, school, or Church or some other sinister reason of money,power or position gained or lost? Reality should tell us that there is no real reason that abusers should be protected that we can morally justify.

Unfortunately, the people who could have helped and saved a child, woman, or minority will never be contacted and instead the victim will many times turn to alcohol, drugs, prostitution, or other destructive means that include making poor spouses as well as choices because they become workaholics or spendaholics or victims of other abusers. Ultimately the victims will go to one relationship after another to only find the approval or support that they should have gotten from the people responsible to protect them.

Not only do these people protect the abuser and call the abused liars many times they will complain about the victims attitudes or report them as cranks, hysterical,enemies of justice, evil, or ban them from the family, school, or Church. No one can be expected to heal appropriately unless the abusers admit and ask for forgiveness of their role in the abuse and that rarely happens as long as the abusers’ protectors are supporting the abuser. If you are currently protecting an abuser or have protected them for years then know the consequences of the abuse will ultimately be paid for by you.

The truth will not be denied, trampled on or buried. Truth does win out and the victim many times becomes the prosecutor. Much truth comes from the old cliché’, “What goes around comes around.” The sad thing is, many times the victims are as eager to forgive the abuser as the abuser is to apologize, but the protectors of the abusers render it impossible to ever happen as many times the protectors belittle the victim further by convincing the abuser that they are the innocent ones. As I have said before, “If we want justice then we must first give justice.”

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