Do We Know Ourselves?

When was the last time or have we ever taken a hard look at ourselves?  Many felt that candidate Mitt Romney defeated himself in the election because we really did not know the person, Mitt Romney, when his conversations in private were opposite of his public conversation. The young Tea Party members are expressing the fact that they need to be more inclusive of all Americans and talk about it.  Does conversation on a level of rhetoric convince any of us when the actions through their votes deny the same? When Congress holds the middle class hostage as they have for thirty years, in order to make certain the wealthy gain instead, will we believe that they care about all Americans?

Isn’t this true about many of us, in that our conversations are many times opposite of our actions? How inclusive are we in our actions?  When I first moved into the Rural areas or took a new job, and I still find it to be true, many of the people I met were so busy asking me questions about myself, while they failed to tell me much of anything about who they were or are.

When couples meet for the first time many times women will tell men much more about themselves than what men will tell about themselves. Many time a majority of men will talk about what jobs they are studying for or hope to get or they hold,hiking,sports,hunting,fishing,women,working out,or any other subject that does not reveal themselves long before they will reveal personal information about themselves.

In the heading about myself on this blog I reveal nothing about myself but state I prefer to let others define me because in writing anything, we will reveal ourselves.  Too often people will go into denial about the person they feel  they are before they will take an honest look at themselves. Many times if we ask what their belief or philosophies are on important issues of the day, we will many times get back a blank stare before we will get an answer.   Other times we hear, ”I really am not interested in that,” “that kind of stuff just makes my mind go numb,” or “I haven’t got a clue about what you are talking about.”  Too many people fail to realize that we should at very least take time out to reflect or know our own philosophy on life in order to understand the person that we truly are and embrace.

If we fail to understand our own belief system and the triggers in our own life, that makes us understand why we react to the outside stimulus of life the way we do, then we too many times will spend a lifetime judging others according to standards we do not practice in our own lives.  Many times we will live beyond our means and makes excuses as to why we do or look down our noses at those who do with less and find much more happiness in life than we do.  Having the courage to look at ourselves on an honest level of really knowing and embracing the person who lives inside of us is what makes us find the joy that we seek.

When our own behavior defies the reality of the person that we are, we leave others feeling as though we are a misguided individual, or brain washed by Society or other people’s philosophy, while we have no clue as to what it is that we truly do embrace.  The 2010 election was a perfect example as to how quickly what we knew about our President Barack Obama, could be turned on lies both against him and against Obama care.  It took too many to finally realize that is was not our President who changed his commitments to us but the lies that we accepted as truth, that turn our views on him.  In the end he won because we recognized that his words matched his actions and as a leader he would fight for our rights.

When we fail to know ourselves then we too many times can be led in life by people who prey on our vulnerability. If we have to ask,”Why am I always attracted to people who are not good for me?” then it is time we discover for ourselves why we have to ask,”Why are we always attracted to the same and what are the triggers in me that makes me continually repeat the same mistakes?” Our friends will make excuses for us and so will our family say things such as,”You are just to kind or trustworthy”, or other answers that actually make us feel better about being attracted to those who prey on us.” When we do not get an honest answer but buy into what others tell us, we keep repeating the same mistakes.

When we learn more about ourselves we often find that we have an irrational need to be needed,or to be made whole by someone else,or there is an insecurity in ourselves that can only be made to feel better by attracting or gathering those who we feel are inferior to us.  When we believe we are better than those who we attract too many times we feed our own false ego in the process. The difference between confident people and insecure people is: that those who do know themselves understand their own weaknesses and strengths and their lives indicate that they live according to their own philosophy of self, over that which has been defined by others.  When I tell my readers that I would rather be defined by others, it is because I am confident in the person that I am and yet aware enough that even with that, people will define me anyway.

It is when we can change and alter our actions according to the words that we speak that we do become the person we want to be.  We do not have one set of standards for ourselves, while holding another set of standards for the clique’s,or the job that we work or the group that we hang with during our free time. When we are true to ourselves then we are true to others as well.

Many times in life we are given tests, or run into road blocks in life, or even marry people that we had no business of marrying.  If we do not reflect on ourselves and what our own tolerances or rejections in life are all about, then too often we will go into denial about the person we are.  We need a clarity of why we react and why we need to fill an emptiness in ourselves with that which is bad for us.  If we do not understand ourselves It will exhibit itself in all kinds of judgement calls against others,acceptance of what we intellectually know and understand to be destructive but we will choose it anyway, and leave us in a state of confusion to the point that we can be led by undesirables.

We heard the word hypocrisy expressed many times during the election year because we did not feel that the candidates spoke on the truth of their own lives and how they have voted or spoken in the past. Too many times the candidates had one set of rules for others while having another set for us, when their own actions betrayed their own words.

When people criticize those who have affairs and gossip about it around the coolers or our coffee table, it is not all that unusual that they themselves have had affairs or will have in the future.  Many times the idea of the same has been entertained, at least in their minds, and by downgrading others that have had affairs, they often feel safe in the words that they speak. This is true about many other things that we tear apart in others as we too often fear,”But for the Grace of God there go I.”

Many of us can and do find hypocrisy in people who will malign others regardless of the conversation because we do know and understand our own strengths and weaknesses, and find gossip such a waste of the precious time each of us are allotted in life.  I personally am bored by such talk because I want to know you and what is your banner that you promote and stand for, or will fight for, and what it is about you that is special.

Each of us,regardless of what others think about us,will find that we are uniquely an individual that is special in an area of expertise that makes us the way we are.  We will also often discover that much of what made us think we knew better than others, is our weak point.  When we know ourselves we leave behind so much of the waste and the distractions that separates us from the joy,that we feel in knowing we are our own person and much stronger and competent that we believed ourselves to be in some cases and in other cases we find a total humbling experience.

Either way it is in knowing ourselves we will not only do what is best for us but we will also do what is best for everyone else as well.  When our actions match our words we do not tolerate bigots nor do we reject the equal rights of others but instead we become more inclusive of the understanding that we are all working towards the same goals in our lives.  Happiness often comes at a price and if we do not seek it through hard work and honesty of self, we often find that we fail it instead of it failing us.

I wish all of us a clarity of self this Holiday Season because we do know and understand that our limits range from the amount we can afford to spend on gifts to the amount of triggers in us that causes us to be upset by other’s rude behavior and words.  It is not wrong to discover sometimes, that it is time to throw the bums out of our lives, and to embrace the Independence in ourselves that makes all of us strong enough to carry the crosses we are asked to bear.  We must understand at the same time, there are triggers in us that causes bad reactions in others and work towards changing those triggers in ourselves, as well.May we all have a Blessed Holiday Season and a Happy New Year!

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Merry Christmas And Happy Holidays

I wish everyone Merry Christmas and the best of Holidays! Last year I wrote a great deal about giving and Christmas and/or Holiday Cheer but I spent this week on politics for two reasons:

The first being from the stories being reported, I recognized there are still in America, many wonderful and generous people, who do understand and get that this time of year is about the Good will that we show those less fortunate or who struggle and do need our help. It does not stop the giving, that many times goes on throughout the year, as well. I have always believed in anonymous giving, myself, but whether you do or not, the important thing is that we give. Too many times those who can justify anything, are quick to say Christ has been taken out of Christmas and we have commercialized Christmas instead, when at least 90% of all shopping, if not more than that, is given away to bring joy to others.

I have always believed if we are Christians or of another Faith or Belief, Christ would Bless the American people, because we do have a great and generous heart during this time of His celebrated birth, as we do during times of great tragedy, as well as throughout the year. Somehow those who would criticize the American giver,in my opinion, are simply bitter that some one other than themselves are receiving. How else can we explain it differently, when it is the spirit of generosity of a person’s heart that joins with their actions,in compassion and empathy, in order for us to give to others, that they are criticizing.

I know in my heart and mind, that many of us will give up our time when we cannot afford to give from our wallet. Those of us who appreciate that we still have a home, will show our appreciation by helping those who do not have a home. Many will remember the shut-ins who are sick and suffering while others have sacrificed all year to bring joy to the children in their own lives, as well as, those who would not receive, otherwise.

People eat, who would not be fed without those who give food or food stamps, because when the food comes to their homes or neighborhoods, they are able to keep their poverty better hidden and their pride and dignity intact. The food pantries as well as food stamps, give them the selections, that we all take for granted, because of those who donate or pay taxes,(they pay taxes in most cases,as well) and the paid and free volunteer staffs, who accommodate the hungry. The educational benefits given to others can and does turn around the lives of many.As many needs as there are,there are people trying to help others.

Anyone who would criticize the giving that is so predominate this time of year, and profess that we have taken Christ out of Christmas, have lost touch with their own humanity,as in compassion and empathy for someone other than ourselves, in my opinion. We are never more Christ-like ourselves,than when we give for reasons of love, without expectation of return. Giving back,for the kindness and generosity that we receive from others in our lives, is what both we Christians and Americans do. We Christians are not alone in our generosity, as those who celebrate Hanukkah as well as those who believe in the Muslim Holidays, share in our generosity, as well, even though it was more a part of the practice of early Christians to give alms to the poor, than it was other religions.

Just as this time of year is about bringing Joy to others, instead of what we get out of it, and it has nothing to do with trying to force our own beliefs on others, is alive and well with many of us; still other Americans, believe that if we do not spend this time on our knees and in worship, then we take Christ out of Christmas. Mankind judges way too harshly, the love and the way we express it in my opinion. I think that what we do in sincerity and with a pure heart is always smiled on, regardless of those who would complain otherwise. I swell up with pride every time I hear the media announce the generosity of my fellow Americans who gave anonymously so that others can enjoy this Season.

Entirely too much of what is wrong with a few, is what we almost always hear about by the naysayers and in the media, who would rather report shootings or pepper spray over sale items in stores, by the very few who do not or never will represent those who are generous of both heart and spirit. I commend CNN for taking their time out to recognize just a few of the gracious donors in America as well as the World. We may not all be able to give as much as those who can accomplish more with name recognition or great wealth, but so many of our small contributions do add up to make other lives better. I commend all of you who do give and share generously of your own time and good fortune.

The second reason, that I stayed on politics this week, is because after spending three years listening to the right-wing and far right-wing as in Tea Party, destroy our right to enjoy the accomplishments of President Barack OBama, we Independents, Republicans, and Democrats, who voted for him and have seen through the lies, have instead had to listen to 3 straight years of complaints and lies being told about him.

Even when OBama brought justice to Osama Ben Laden, instead of our being able to say thanks or feel vindicated just a little for the great harm Osama Ben Laden, did to us as Americans and the suffering he caused so many American families, OBama was having to show his birth certificate, to prove he was a citizen.

Just to be able to see the Republicans eat crow and stop their “pie holes” from more lies,even though spin it they are, we Democrats could smile, and smile we did. I could not miss the opportunity, to just once, not to take the smile off my face, knowing they in their hate lost. That they caved,and it wasn’t for the wealthy but instead for those who have had to suffer the most for the Republican arrogance and obstructionism, just makes it that much sweeter, especially when they announced just 2 weeks ago they had no intentions of giving in.

When Boehner professed; to quote him,”Sometimes it is difficult to do the right thing,” and then repeated it several times, it should have said a lot to all of us. What I would like to tell him and all of the Republicans,is, “Doing the right thing for the people is never difficult, if you keep in mind why you were sent to Washington.” When you recognize,as we do, it is “We the People” who elect you and we expect all of you to do the right thing, then it will become as natural as tying your shoes, combing your hair or eating when your hungry. The laws of the land and the Constitution as well as the oath of office you take,is or should be your guidelines, mixed with the compassion and desire to want to do the right thing, for all Americans, regardless of race,creed,color, or gender, should make it simple enough, since we pay your wages.

It may not be all in the Christmas Spirit, but somehow I do not think Christ would mind if those who have led by lies or the lack of leadership themselves, as the Republicans in Congress have, would be exposed for their own lack of leadership and lies.I just feel that maybe He too is smiling this Christmas and or Holiday Season, even though I do not speak for Him or pretend to.

Regardless of why you subscribe to my blog, press the like button, make a comment, or just stop by, I wish you all the very Best, this Holiday Season.I appreciate each and every time you visit. I wish all who are traveling a safe and uncomplicated trip. May all things that make you smile come your way during the Holiday Season and if you are gathering with your family or their family or spending a quiet Holiday at home alone, remember to Hug the cook!God Bless us all!

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We Find Our Own Happiness

This post is going to relate to my own interpretation of joy and happiness as I have experienced it, as most of my posts do.I’m sure many an expert will disagree with points that I make, but in the end, I have come to appreciate that none of us can base our own lives on what someone else thinks, but instead on what we know to be true.

I have never felt the need to discriminate against anyone, once I matured into an adult.As a result,I have been befriended by both the wealthy and the poor, as well as,different belief systems, genders and races, and I find what is true with one of us, is true about all of us.

We are all looking for happiness and contentment, in life. Many of us who have children will put their happiness first, until it does dawn on us that the things we buy for ourselves or our children, have a very short shelf life.

If we do not change our direction in thinking, “buying makes us happy,” too many times, we will resent our own children or others, that we buy for,because they lack appreciation. Even when we know that the problem is our own spending habits and we are going broke,doing so, some of us will need to learn. “We don’t always get our cake and eat it too.”.We need to understand that people who wish to do for themselves,will resent our continuous need to make ourselves feel better,at their expense, because many times in our need to buy, we only make them feel obligated to us.

It is the things that we do as well as the words we use to express our feelings towards others that, often times, brings happiness to both of us. Just a smile to a stranger, can many times turn the direction of both of our days. When we choose to smile back we share our own happiness with them.

I had been spending a great deal of my time with a wealthy person in my youth, so when the person who showed up in my life, neither had her front teeth and the sole on her shoe, was loose, the first thing that was most obvious to me, was how happy she was living such an uncomplicated life.

After having listened to the wealthy complain about having to attend another, “black tie,” function, that she was dreading attending, but worried she would be shunned if she did not, it was such a breath of fresh air to spend time with the woman, who had raised her family, and did not have a care in the world. She was retired living primarily on her social security check, but since she enjoyed good health and neither wanted or needed much, her life was her own. She was content and settled with her poverty and peace of mind.

In my estimation, all human beings are made up of the body the mind and the soul, or if you prefer,our mental,physical and spiritual well-being. When we over-balance attention to another and neglect the other, we feel restless or discontent with ourselves. If we tune into our own feelings, we will not turn the negatives that we feel within ourselves onto others.

People who have learned to express themselves through crafts,art, or creative talent can bring peace to their mental well-being but if we never deal with the problem that drives us to be unhappy, we only delay the root of the problem.We need to get to the bottom of what it is that truly is upsetting us, since we need to give equal attention to the balance of our physical,spiritual and mental parts. In short we place a band-aid on an arterial bleed that needs to be sewn shut, if we only live for the minute or the short time, without healing our own pain or looking for happiness that we can trust.

As I have mentioned in past posts, too often, the victims will feel guilt or the victimizers will pass blame.When we have been traumatized, we need to talk about it and heal it, with those who can help us. If we neither confront the truth and heal it, we deny ourselves happiness.No one can make us happy if we are ready to accept being miserable nor can we be happy unless we are happy with ourselves.

Plenty of people can interfere with our own happiness, if we allow them to, but no one but ourselves,can make us happy.No one is responsible for our seeking happiness and unless we do, we will too many times blame others, when we are not happy. Once we do establish happiness with ourselves then people in our lives can either add to or subtract from it, because we have let their emotions or upsets affect how we view or accept life.

Happiness is more than just an attitude. It is what comes from inside of us so that we live and breathe it, while sharing it with others. If we find it is impossible to maintain our own happiness,without using alcohol,drugs,out working everyone else in an effort to avoid our home, or buying things, then we do need to evaluate the reasons why, we are not making the changes that will and do lead to our own happiness.

Sometimes it can be the negative crowd or group, we hang with. We do, too many times, become like the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes it is because we do not feel good, and we cannot feel that any of us are going to feel good, when we feel physically,mentally, or spiritually, rotten.

When we know that we are a worse person with others, because we lower our own mental and spiritual well-being,in an effort to be included or fit in, we are not going to be happy, unless we do make the changes that will lead to becoming the person we wish to be.

When we over-look the truth and surround ourselves in denial, then we also are not being realistic about our own happiness. Perhaps we are the leader of the bunch, when it comes to a joyless group. We won’t know unless we try to change the direction within the group,first.

Many times, we will find it is our own lack of happiness that is spreading over all of the group. When we laugh because we are happy, they many times will laugh with us. However if they are laughing at us, then we can be certain, that we are not the leader.

The mean-spirited will always believe those who are hurt or get hurt as a result of their words or actions, are just too sensitive, so why do we stay? Happiness is a habit that is very real and is part of who we are. We find it within ourselves. We do not shove it onto others. We do not use it to judge others. We wake up with it and take it to bed with us. It lives within us when we are happy being the person we are.

We find happiness in children, who live in the present, because they can trust Mom and Dad to take care of everything. Happiness brings us back to the present, because we don’t have to worry about what we are going to do, as we already know our strengths and weaknesses.

We know or are reasonably certain, that we will react or respond according to a good day or a poor day, and as a result of how we are feeling about, ourselves. We know it all may change tomorrow but when or if it does, we can trust ourselves just like we always have before, because a Power higher than us has the last word. Happiness is truly all about feeling good about who we are and trusting our motives, as well as our love, without finding fault and blame in others.

Everyone else in our life are the extras who bring us joy or sometimes disappointment, if we incorrectly assume anything about them or try to control them. We have learned that not all relationships are meant to last. We don’t worry so much who will be there for us because we have provided, as well as, possible for our own needs.

We miss you but understand our differences were too great to over come, for one of us if not both of us, or we understand that our lives were intended to take a different path or the Dear Lord was ready for you. We have grieved and healed from the lost, and understand that we only get to live this life once so we put in the hard work to live happy!It begins with one step at a time, towards changing ourselves.

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Learning From Our Teenagers

If we have made responsibility the central theme in our homes, long before the adolescent years, then we can often times see what we have taught our children, come back at us during the teenage years. Responsibility does not just mean making their school work their number one pursuit nor does it mean cleaning their rooms and looking after their own personal hygiene the only thing that matters. A great part of responsiblity also entails teaching them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and the words that come out of their own mouths.

They or we do not get to get off on being rude to us or others, because we have failed to teach them respect. They or we do not get to get off on lying or cheating on their homework, because we have made study time consistent in our homes and made it the top priority over anything else,first. Home work needs to be done where we can both watch them and help them when they need help.

If they are not asking us for help then that is a good clue they are not doing their homework. Sending them to their room so they can grab a book and pretend or switch to a web site every time they hear us in the hallway or knock on the door is not supervising homework. They or we do not go free from understanding that when we deal out discipline or punishment they will need to follow it through until they finish it because we have been consistent with our punishment.

In short then, just as all the lessons of life need to be taught to our children because we have done our job they need to take responsibility for their actions by doing their job. Do not use,”I trust my child or children” as a cop-out to get out of taking your own responsibility towards being there both as their supervisor and their guide.

The earlier children understand right from wrong and their responsibility in it, the sooner it becomes habit in their lives. Children who are not confused with morality,since they have learned to live the value of right over wrong until it has become a habit, many times, are more tuned in to the choices available to them. It takes so much more energy to lie and cheat because we are always called on to remember what it was we said in order to keep from exposing ourselves as a liar. Not to mention the guilt that often follows that all liars need to justify in order to live with the lie. Mankind was never made to lie. At the opposite end of that statement, since it is not accurate to generalize about anyone,many times, it is the parents who make the rules too strict,who have the children who behave the worse,once they find their freedom or rebel.

The chances are always better with honest children who are allowed to express themselves,because many times they are not conflicted by peer pressure or not understanding their own minds or direction. Since teenagers are no different from the rest of the population and anything is possible we need to keep in mind that they still need our direction during moments of doubt or confusion that will sometimes happen. Other times to be able to say,”My parents would kill me if I do”,offers a nice excuse for them to get out of doing what they know is wrong. No one can ever say,”My child never would.” and say it with certainty. Our chances are better with honest kids who do not have to lie in order to be able to spend time with their friends, though in a great deal of the cases.

Since self-expression as well as terminology and the way it gets expressed, is very much a part of each individual taste, be prepared to be humbled, if they do not always dress or appear to speak the same language as we do.Conformity will come soon enough,and it does us all well, to support their own desire to express who they are to themselves as well as their peers. Wanting to be different from everyone else is much better than wanting to be like everyone else,in an effort to be accepted or popular.Many times they will set the trend when they do decide to be different and if not they are showing more courage than most of us do, and that is a good thing.Creatitivity, often, brings along with it a life-time of success and contentment.

It is not the responsibility of the school, Church, grandparents or anyone else to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own behavior, it is our responsibility to teach them. The others will simply aid us or help us once we get them started in understanding that we are the parents and our children can both trust us to keep our word to them and they can rely on us to be there for them when they need us. They need to learn that our home is a safe place to return to at the end of the day when children have been children.

If we do not remember just how mean children can be to each other, then we need to take a refresher course by just listening to our children and offering the help where needed. If it is our own child who is mean and we are not handling it correctly because they are being mean to other children and even being bullies, then we need to get professional help,the earlier the better.

After all of that has been accomplished, we will have these wonderful people in our lives who are known as teenagers. They will bring home with them and their friends an enthusiasm and zest for life, at the point in our own lives, we feel our own enthusiasm is draining. They have a generosity of heart for all their fellow students, at a time, we have become too set in our ways or too complacent with the status quo. They will accept everyone because they have been taught to accept everyone and they will many times remind us that it was us who taught them the significance of doing so, at a time, we are becoming more cynical each day. They have a thirst for learning and getting involved with the world around them, at a time, we are not even keeping up with the magazine subscriptions on World affairs.

If we as parents remember that we need to start teaching our children no later than the age of 2 or 3 the significance of taking responsibility for their own actions as well as what is theirs and taking responsibility for it as well, then we will find that our teenagers have a great deal to teach us.

Many times, we had already taught them but until now, we were not always certain that they had heard. If our teenagers are not renewing our own youth while inspiring us to be more accepting of others, but instead are a consistent head ache, each day, then do them and you both a favor, do not stoop to their level and fight and argue with them but instead get them help that you both need. If we have done our job in early training,and we are maintaining a general acceptance of their right to express themselves, but there is no explanation for this sudden change in attitude, many times, this is the time that we will see mental illness and depression begin to play a role in the lives of our child or children.That can be true in poorly structured homes as well.Too often we over-look genetic factors that are often as a result of hereditary factors.

For the sake of all adolescence and teenagers, everywhere, parents need to know and understand that personalities do not just change from happy-go-lucky to quiet and withdrawn. As parents we need to make certain that there is not an under lying cause and we as parents need to be aware if our children have had a life changing altercation or attack on them, are not doing street drugs or drugs stolen from our own medicine cabinets, or taking alcohol from our own homes.

If they have not had the early training in childhood or have had early training we need to get out of denial, and understand both are sometimes the other side of being teenagers. Children many times will be the alcohol or drug suppliers from our own home or from their grandparents without anyone being wiser for it. It is also, quite possible, that they are suffering from depression and need medical help.

Do not think that teenagers will always share the truth with us or for that matter anyone else either. Many times they carry an irrational shame or fear that can only surface with the help of a professionally trained person or people. Do not wait until the school decides to send them to counseling as many times kids can be great deceivers and schools do not always see the child we see.

Many times poor behavior is shown to us, as parents, as a scream for help when our child needs help. Our teenagers can teach us many things and all we have to do is be tuned in or knowledgeable enough to know the symptoms that are out-of-place when they happen.

We can only know that when we do know and understand we are their parent and their friends are their friends. Too many parents make the mistake that teenagers are adults now so we just have to let them learn on their own. Make certain we are learning as well, from the teenager, so we can step in when needed. The success of their life may depend on it. Teenagers are for enjoying and if they are unhappy we will be as well. Stay alert,be wise, and be there, and it can be the best years of all of our lives. Not only will we all be rewarded as a family, but so will, all of Society feel the imprint we have made on our children’s lives.

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Accepting Me Accepting You

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

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It Is Time To Be A Grownup

As someone, who went through screaming, tears, and general upset once Santa was exposed as a fraud in our home, I cannot express enough how important it is to tell grownups to be grownups, at the very least, during the Holiday season. The tree was never again put up unless my sister and I could find an axe and chop down a lonely tree somewhere in the region, the fudge and divinity no longer made and any gift was absent beyond that of what my dad gave to my mother. Each Christmas Eve became one of turmoil, because my father did not buy my mother the gift she felt entitled to receive. He would always buy practical instead of luxury and it would open the flood gates of hell.The family pictures taken, show the disappointment in the eyes of the children and are a lasting reminder as to how Christmas should never be spent, all these years later.

I’m sure it has everything to do with my believing that Santa is real and every act of kindness, done by we adults, to others is not only because of our spiritual need to express our love and gratitude to Christ and God but also to express our human side to mankind. Christmas, is indeed, a very miraculous time of year and it is important that we adults, do understand, it is about the children. Just as the Magi presented gifts to the Christ child, so should we present gifts to the children, granted us through God.

At no other time of the year, is it even wise to spoil our children, except their birthdays and during the holidays. If that means we don’t buy ourselves a new wardrobe just now,or lay off the egg nog, we still put up a tree or buy a gift, even though we may not feel like it, we do it anyway. The memories we are making now are not about us, but about our children and grandchildren. It is not about what your husband or wife, boy or girl friend, adult children gets you. During these financially difficult times, it is o.k., to spend what little we have on the children or grandchildren. I assure you, they will not be spoiled for life. Somehow I think both God and Christ would approve.

We adults need to keep Christmas in perspective but not by denying our own children the joy of Christmas or the Holidays. We can better watch the number of times we eat out instead of cook and how we are the example of dollars being wasted. In families where there is no money at all,draw an outline of a tree on the wall with string or thread, and have the children decorate the same with their own creations made of paper or glitter. Children need to feel that they are loved enough or important enough to know their parents will make an effort to make them feel the same. For what you spend on alcohol, use the money to buy a game the family can play, together, instead. Children know when they are poor today, unlike another time before tech and name brands were noticed, so the time you spend with them ,often times, is the best gift of all.

For those who will and do attend the Churches across America during the Holiday Season, remember children do not find the same sense of peace that we do in Church services. It takes all of us years to develope faith. To deny a child, their moment of joy, either with making them the center of attention, or gifting them with a warm coat, or new shoes, a full stomach, or yes even a toy, does us well to remember that Christmas is also about the type of grownup or human being we also are. To pay honor strictly to the spirituality and our needs and then to deny our children joy, speaks mountains of the kind of person we are not. Do not let your pride come before the generosity, being offered out of love to you and your children, by those Santa Claus amongst us, who wish to share our bounty with you. It is not a sin to be poor but it is unfair to deny our children happiness, when people are willing to help make it possible, out of love.

At no other time of the year, is there more good will towards men, more generosity and sharing given and done, and more thanks expressed amongst mankind. We grownups have both an opportunity to make warm and lasting memories for all children as well as a responsibility to make certain that all children know and feel they are a part of this enchanting time of, “peace on earth and good will towards men.” God Bless us all, man, woman, and child!

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Grieving During The Holidays

My heart goes out to all the people in the world who find Christmas and the Holidays a particularly difficult time of year. Most have broken up with someone special, lost a mate, parent or child and as bad as the coping is, the Holidays and everyone else’s cheer or lack of understanding, sometimes leaves us cold. Most just want to pull their heads into their covers and let the Season pass. It is important that you do take the time necessary to grieve and to go through the necessary steps of grieving, so please know, you all are in the thoughts of many of us this Season, who do care. Grieving, does not need guilt attached to it, so if you are not yet ready to enter the World to participate, please know many of us as well as your true friends, do understand.

For those of you who are,” sick and tired” of being “sick and tired” and ready to move on but are at a lost as to how to do it, I recommend the art of giving. Nothing will brighten your own outlook in life more than to reach out to a family, friend’s or neighbor’s child and to play Santa Claus in their life. This does not mean you have to dress up as Santa. It only means that you are the unknown who blesses a child with a gift they would never have received unless you had been generous. The Canadians have a nice Holiday called “Box Day” where they leave food or gifts on the step of a needy person and get away unrecognized. Whichever way would be fun for you,and if you do not wish to see anyone yet, this is a splendid way to make yourself feel better and to honor your loved one, while renewing a child’s innocent need to believe in the goodness of mankind.

If you do not feel comfortable being part of a Holiday celebration,bake cookies and leave them in the mailbox of a needy family, write a check in the memory of your loved one and put it is the bucket of the Salvation Army where the bell ringers are collecting donations. If you prefer to keep it private, then slip in cash anonymously. If you have extra money, go to a Department store and have toys, shoes or coats delivered. You can have a meal, a ham and the trimmings, or a pizza delivered after going to the restaurant and paying for it. If they do not deliver then perhaps a friend or taxi cab driver would be glad to deliver it for you. If someone you know has lost their job or been laid off, a few dollars in a envelope placed in their mailbox or shoved under their door, might go a long way with the utilities. Even if funds are limited, as long as we have our health,we all have a talent we can share, we can offer to carry a heavy load or offer a ride, we can shovel a sidewalk, or work in a soup kitchen.The only thing that limits us, in our giving, is our lack of imagination and desire.

Nothing heals a broken heart faster than knowing we put a smile on the face of a child who believes Santa Claus only comes to the rich boys or girls. You may not see the smile on the child or the warmth of the food in their stomach, but you can bet your loved one will. If it is loss through divorce then wouldn’t you’d rather a child was fed or “shouted out in glee” than your Ex fight over it? Wishing you all a recovery, in your own time and at your own pace! The time clock does not run on grief nor can anyone else tell you when it is over. Grief is as individual as we all are different. God Bless each and everyone of you!

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Bitter Is For Limes And Lemons

As we enter the Holiday Season, there will be the self-righteous and bitter amongst us, that will complain about using Happy Holidays over Merry Christmas because they are justified by their religious convictions, and yet others that will demoralize Santa as nothing more than a consumer hoax to get others to spend money and forget about the birth of Christ. The very mention of Hanukkah over Christmas will raise the hackles of others. The truth is no matter how we entertain or live this special time of year, it is about the children as well as the Christ Child. If we wish to tell the story of Jesus, light the candles, or play Santa in our homes or to others,I can’t help but think, that God who judges and Christ whose birthday it is, would be pleased we remembered to celebrate our Blessings from above. Afterall mankind, as a whole, can grasp more than one thought in a celebration, at a time, without being accused of being atheist, pagan or heathen, in doing so.

One of the greatest gifts, we all have received, along with the birth of Christ is our own unique differences.Not all celebration need be literal to another time or place either, as who can find complaint, about the spirit of giving through love? Isn’t that really the lesson our children are learning? It is a fine tradition to give thanks, make sacrifices for others, and to give of ourselves to those less fortunate than ourselves. It has been my experience, that people who go to little or no trouble beyond a few Christmas cards or who ban Christmas altogether, or perhaps hand over cash out of a sense of obligation,duty or image and often resent the same ,instead of going to the effort and joy of personal shopping and giving, are often the first to slam Santa. Some will never understand the spirit of, “Santa,” as many of them will openly hang onto the idea that Christmas has become too commercialised. There does appear to be a real bitterness found in these people who would criticize the Santa Claus believers. Often, not always, I have found they do lack empathy for others, beyond their own black and white self-righteous world.

Santa Claus is very much alive and real, carried often to the grave of many of us, who give of our time, love, and thought in the memory of God or Christ. One is not a commercial entity that separates itself from the other, just as people who drop coins or money into the buckets of the blind,limbless, and poor, often do understand. If you have never tried it,then please do. You will be surprised how often you hear the less fortunate giving praise and thanksgiving to their Maker, along with words like God Bless You!” or “We have been Blessed by God” if it were not for God’s guidance of you to us,”We would not have made it.” We who play Santa in the real world, soon realize, every action of the generous who gives anonymously and without expectations of return, comes back in the praise of our Redeemer. Rare is the person who receives, who does not credit God or Jesus. I’m sure Christ would not mind at all.

The white hair and beard, along with the jolly belly and reindeer, is simply,an image we pass onto our children who have a more privileged life than others, to entertain a child’s curiosity of giving. The child whose parents could never afford the bike, the pretty doll, or the loving teddy bear and who smells the ham baking, sees and knows another kind of Santa who makes the lives of these children miraculous for a day as well as sends them to bed with a full stomach, if they are Blessed enough to receive from the kindness of others.

These Santa’s never dress in red suits, or ride in sleighs and often are never seen in public. They are not gender biased, faith affiliated, or any certain race. They are the True Santa Claus, that live amongst us, regardless of the season. Whether we are rich or poor, sick or well, or happy or sad, once we take giving to heart, the deed itself will raise our own spirits and bring joy into our own lives. So this Holiday or Christmas Season, lay off of Santa and instead stay out of the shoe department for yourself sometime during the year, as bitter belongs in limes and lemons. If you have not already discovered the joy of giving or playing Santa, now is as good time as any to learn it. Feed a hungry child or gift a poor child, even if all you can afford are the children in your own family or neighborhood, and you will be jolly or Blessed all Season. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to us all!

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Accepting Disability

Congratulations! By now you and your loved ones as well as the medical profession, are all on the same page. I would not interfere with or suggest that I know how or why you reached this mile stone in your life, but I understand as you must have, that we each have our own path to take when reaching this point.

If you have followed my posts, then you understand as I do, that I cannot write about the disabled through mental illness, severely brain-damaged, catatonic, or severely paralyzed as, I, just like you, have never experienced this type of disability. Just as there are stages in cancer or heart disease there are also stages in disability. Sometimes, especially with injury, it is a very slow progression, if it progresses at all, and with others, that include disease, it can be fairly rapid. I do believe it is safe to say though that regardless of the disability, unless we have reached the mental state of acceptance, none of us do totally understand how we will react or respond a year from now.

I hope that by talking about my own experience then, I can help you discover,as I have, that the mind needs to be in the place of acceptance in order for the body to respond accordingly. When I reached the point that I understood any further testing would simply update medical records and bring no further relief or change of treatment to me and that.” it was what it was,” then I understood,I was left with nothing further than accepting what I could do and what would be very painful to do.

I began my introduction to the idea that things would never be normal in my life, as I had planned it, when my body was sending out all kinds of warning signals that seemed to be untreatable but at the same time was raising my blood pressure. Along with the disabling disease that caused a great deal of pain, I was reacting to the treatment. Our children were still quite young as I was only 28 years of age, and initially I could not distinguish between symptoms of what ailed me, versus symptoms of drug reactions. It is extremely difficult to do, especially when the diagnosis is inaccurate or someone has deemed themselves God in our lives, and decided to withhold the truth from us, by playing down our symptoms when we ourselves already are experiencing debilitating pain.

I went through all the emotional upset and trauma that we all go through as I had always had the attitude that it would be easier for me to die than to be disabled. I, like everyone else, had heard of,” all the miracles of modern medicine” so it came as a shock to me that medicine could not cure everything much less not be able to treat everything. Just like you, I asked the question, “why me” until I was able to answer it with “why not me?” All kinds of mistakes were made by me and those around me, and I definitely suffered dark periods in my life. Whenever they attempted to treat one area of my body then it would throw off another system of my body. This is quite common in treating the central nervous system.

Many times I had to complain for several years before I was taken seriously about my complaint once the Dr.s did get the diagnosis correct. There was a real sense of, “we can’t do anything about her complaint so lets find something wrong elsewhere and get her to concentrate on that.” I would advise everyone prior to having surgery of any type to ask if it is elective or mandatory for the condition in which you need relief. It took me much too long to see past this ploy, I’m afraid.

In short it was a helluva place for me to be as I tried to protect my loved ones from it and never spent a day in bed outside of when I was hospitalized. I went ahead and took care of my own responsibilities along with most everyone elses, other than my immediate family who understood as they lived with me, until I reached the point that to push myself any harder was very destructive to both myself as well as my longevity.

Still today I will go ahead and do something that causes a great deal of pain like refinish a piece of furnish just in order for me to understand that if I had effective pain treatment I would not be physically disabled. Effective pain treatment at this point would definitely put me into an almost catatonic state due to the increase of the necessary amount of drugs it would take to allow me to operate pain-free and under normal ability. Sadly, I am allergic to the standard form of treatment for my particular disease.

At the very least, abusing or increasing substantially, the only drugs available to my treatment themselves, would lead to mental confusion,anxiety and depression, if not cause early death, so I gladly live with the pain treatment that dulls pain if I do little to nothing. I can still determine to what length of time and rest I can take and still feel well enough to enjoy my life. I plan on staying in charge of my brain since I do have less and less to say about my physical abilities and must use the necessary aids available to me.

With all diseases, there are good days and bad days. My best days will always be the days that I can accomplish doing some of what I want to do. Many times because I have developed interests in oil painting,collecting,reading,genealogy,research and writing I can have a terrific day doing very little according to Society’s point of view, and still be relatively pain-free, as well. I can do most hobbies upwards of an hour a day. Most of us will learn that we have never really done what it is that we truly love doing, prior to our injury. At this point it is all about keeping my mind healthy to both concentrate, learn, and to becomes less dependent on the pain treatment.

I understand that on days that I want to do something I will pay the price in pain but I prefer doing it, to being waited on by a caregiver and being bed or chair bound permanently, due to the fact that my mind has been lessened as a result of pain treatment. Since pain is no longer relieved by rest my tolerance to pain has built naturally over the years. There is a real danger with Doctors either under-treating or over-treating with pain medication so make sure, you yourself, knows the difference.

Long story short, it is my hope that all of you can and do reach the point that you have cried your last tear, yelled out of anger and frustration, for the last time, and found genuine peace in the things that you can do. I hope you find real joy of waking up each day knowing that you and only you are still in charge of the areas in your life that matter the most.

I hope you never question or listen to what people who have never experienced your level of disability have to say on the subject.(unless they are medically or spiritually trained to offer relief or peace of mind or are kind enough to act as your caregiver and to listen to you) I hope you have found a Dr. that will be honest with you and help when you do ask for help. I hope you know to celebrate and rejoice in what you can do and no longer grieve what you can not do.

I hope you have learned the value of this moment,hour, day and see the beauty in each day. I hope if you require a caregiver and still have responsibilities that you do not ask others to do what you can still do ,yourself. I hope you have a good imagination that allows you to figure out a different way of doing the same thing that you use to do and have learned patience in doing so.

I hope you get a genuine”kick” or “hoot” out of life and count your Blessings for being a part of the human race, regardless of what the ignorant or ill-informed seem to think or believe to the contrary. I hope you despise sympathy and understand and empathize with others who have less than you do. But most importantly of all, I hope you do know your own strengths as well as your own limitations, and have a support system that applauds you for knowing the difference. If that includes no one more than yourself and a good book and you still know the joy of waking up each day, then you have made it, my friend. I do know it is all possible with the right attitude, just as you have already learned, yourself. Congratulations! I’m proud of you!

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The Tragedy Of Dependency

I must agree as a parent there is some comfort in thinking our children will always need us and will never be able to leave us but rationally we all know the cruelty and tragedy of raising our children to grow up and not have an identity beyond what we give them.

The sad truth is that there are more adult children ,than most realize, that never do untie the apron string just for that reason. Parents that refuse to let their children grow up, for fear that they will leave them, is a form of abuse that has been going on for generations.

Other times, it is the child that refuses to grow up. They are content and happy with being Mama’s boy or Daddy’s girl. As such, they never do have to do anything that normal adults do and they end up, many times, wards of the State, when their parents do die because they are incapable of holding down a job or making a decision. If they do marry, at anytime in their life, the marriages quickly ends due to parental interference.

Often parents will deliberately sabotage their childrens’ dreams in both preventing them from leaving home beyond a local college and if they do try to strike out on their own,they will guilt them into staying home and then it becomes a joint effort, of fear and failure, on both the adult child as well as the parents’ efforts. Many times parents want their children to forget about education in favor of taking over the family business. Never mind if there is no real interests on the part of the adult child, they will justify it with, “Look at all that I am doing for them.”

These people often live in denial or fantasy land or fill their heads full of dreams that will never take place or happen. If they did get out for a year or so and away from the influence of their parents they will relive that time over and over again in their heads. It will either become the reason for why they did or did not achieve. Remember, people living in denial or fantasy land, never have to own up or take responsibility for their own failures. Denial is permanent in their lives.
Or it will be the year they would have been a success story to top all success stories, if their parents had supported them, or in their mind allowed them to become the person they wanted to become.

Sometimes there is truth to this as many times these children will excel only to be afraid to stand on their own and have parents that will then insist they come home rather than stay and follow it through. Instead if these parents had encouraged them to try harder , we often times would have had the advantage of the next great:technologists, Doctors, Supreme Court judges, philosophers,scientists,teachers,researchers,artists,musicians,Wall street tycoon, financier, or inventors etc. It may have made a huge difference not only in their lives but also in the future of our Nation and society as a whole.

In cases ,where parents do their job, and try to encourage or teach their children to be independent and self-sufficient, it is not uncommon, that one child, will refuse to grow up no matter how hard the parents try to enforce their independence. In these cases even if the child does leave home and marry, many times they will not be able to make a decision, without first conferring with their parents or will become totally dependent on their husbands or wives if the parents do tell them they need to make their own decisions.

We often see these people lose their mates through either death or divorce and they will develop all kinds of destructive habits in order to fill the hole made by the absence of their mates. Many will be unable to go on with their lives and unable to support themselves as a result of never having made their own decisions due to their own dependency.

Regardless why parents or child refuse to do their job and make sure the apron strings get untied or couples refuse to insist on having their own space, if we never do learn to make an independent decision on our own or insist on taking on separate ideas, (no two people will ever see the same thing the same way 100% of the time) we will all find, that loss through death or divorce, will ultimately bring out the weaknesses in us.

At this time, grief and loss, will be so much more difficult than if we had kept some part of our lives or identity separate, as our own. The real danger, then of dependency, is that without developing our own identity we never do know who we are or what the purpose of our lives was and many times die quite bitter as a result of not having done so. Dependency, whether on drugs or people, becomes a crutch that will weaken us in areas that render us, irresponsible.

Joy of life and living comes from experimenting or knowing instinctively what direction and what path we were intended to take. We only recognize this through making decisions on our own and knowing that we ourselves are responsible for our own joy and happiness in life. No one but we, ourselves, can ever find out or learn this direction.

No one will ever know or understand our own dream as well as we do.The people that we allow into our lives are simply the frosting on the cake. Parents and Spouses, it is our duty, not to stand in the way of these dreams and efforts, when they are based in reality, on the part of either our spouse or child. People that are both dedicated and unselfish instinctively understand and know this, but in cases, where parents as well as adult children, always did as they were told, we as a society, only perpetuate the tragedy by repeating it.

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