It’s Not You,It’s Me

“It’s not you, it’s me,” is the biggest break up line that is used or heard, by all of us, who are in and out of relationships.More times than not, there is a great deal of truth to it, and we ourselves, are totally confused as to why this relationship,that we had so many hopes for, has failed.Other times, we/they knew it was doomed from the start and the words “It’s not you, it’s me” often are used to let someone we/they have dated or been with,for a while, down easy. It is equal to,”can we still be friends?”

When we understand there is more truth to it than not, we will be wise to examine ourselves to discover why it is that we cannot commit or are willing to settle for less than what we deserve. If that is not the problem, it is quite possible our alarms were going off and it is a good thing we got out of the relationship.

Other times we/they were just stringing us/them along, because we/they were lonely and had hopes that,maybe, if we/they gave us/them a chance, something could work out. Other times, we/they may be fearful of the aggression or anger in us/them, so we/they try to spare ourselves or themselves from the anger, as well.

If you follow or read my posts then you understand that I always encourage ourselves to take responsibility for the role we play in relationships.I do not do that because I feel we are always wrong or at fault. I do that because it is so much easier to deal with pain and heal from it, once we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and we understand our own motives.If we are looking for less than what we establish as our goals, or have placed the bar so high as to be unattainable for any human to achieve,we need to know both about ourselves,first.

Many times people are placed in our lives to teach us and to learn from them, so we quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and unless we evaluate ourselves, as to why we keep inviting the same type of person into our lives, we will never change the pattern.

It is hard enough to be betrayed or hurt once by someone without allowing them to hurt us over and over again, because we end up hating them and obsessing over it, for months or sometimes years. Each time we express hate and anger towards another we hurt ourselves one more time, because we fail to realize that it is many times ourselves, who we are angry at, since we were warned or recognized something was wrong, but ignored the warnings anyway.

We often feel we can handle the problem or allow others to mistreat us, and then later become upset at ourselves, because we find that it was a far greater problem than what we were prepared to deal with.By harboring hate against another, we many times harbor unrest against ourselves,as well.

When we do this,especially when it is the father or mother of our child or children, those who are the closest to us more times than not, are hurt by our obsessing as well.All the ranting and raving that we are doing is teaching our children that people of the other gender, will hurt us,so therefore they can’t trust anyone to the point that they will find they are going into relationships looking for and finding fault,many times, where fault does not even exist.

Too often, both we and they will dismiss relationships that are with honorable people because we/they go looking for the jerks since we have taught them as well as ourselves, that every one of the opposite gender, is a jerk or a bitch anyway, so we might as well let these people into our lives. Other times they will choose these people, looking for the love they felt they lost out on with their absent parents. Other times we and they will sell themselves or ourselves short, thinking they or we are damaged goods, and do not deserve any better.

We often hear people ask,”Do I have a jerk magnate attached somewhere?” If we are opposite of the person who does not learn to trust and are too trustworthy,the answer is sometimes,” yes,”and can be comparable to those who fail to trust.

The thing a jerk looks for, in their next relationship, is how easy we are to con or manipulate.If we are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings it will stand out as a “sore thumb”, to those who are only looking for someone to believe their bag of lies,hard luck stories, or they are planning on using us. Many women as well as men will check out our financial status before and then pretend to bump into us, when it has been planned from the beginning.

Other times we may be the type of person who responds well to having our ego stroked or to romance. They will pick up on that as well and flood us with compliments and roses followed by candle lit dinners. Other times they are only looking for the thrill of the challenge and will disappear once they can add another notch to their belts.

The reality of life is that not all people are nice people. Many are narcissists either giving the appearance of or living financially successful lives, because they are experts at getting what they want for themselves. Others will betray us,while others seek out the vulnerable to use, so they never have to work a day in their lives. Sometimes they are very charming and good-looking and can peel the clothes right off of us, but it does not change the fact that their motives are deceitful.

Not all people are deliberately devious,on the other hand,either. In many cases people simply do not learn common courtesy and are insensitive by nature, because they have not been exposed to living any differently.Many a husband or wife has had to provide what was missing in the life of their spouse, due to the lack of direction or maturity in taking responsibility, prior to meeting them.

We cannot provide them with what we think is/was missing, however, unless they recognize they need help and wish us to. We can only offer guidance according to the needs and understanding of both people co-operating. We will not fix or control them to get our own needs met or to force our parent’s idea of what works, on them, without having disastrous results.

Since neither we or our spouse are our parents or their parents,but instead two separate individuals, we need to establish a more amenable set of rules, to be able to conform to the new awareness of our generation, for our own sake and that of our children.If one of us came from an overly strict household where another came from a home that allowed more self-expression, then we need to reach an agreement on what rules to keep or which to discard.

We need to compete with the current generation in which we live by determining the mixture of morality from both of our homes, that we both agree to keep as a couple.Every couple needs to agree on and establish their own value system in order to keep confusion out of the lives of their children.

To go into a relationship,thinking differently, when we neither know who we are or if our own parenting reasoning is sound, often means that we will not know if what we find lacking or missing in them, is not our own interpretation, when in truth, they are the better prepared to help us, if we do not understand ourselves.It takes mutual respect of both our differences as well as our likes along with the person we are or are meant to be, to determine what will work best in any relationship. It is when we make demands on another to be someone they are not, we need to take responsibility for our own mistakes.

When we understand the differences, because we are better grounded ourselves,we will be able to distinguish between the naive,the confused and the deliberate, unless we come from a similar background.If neither of us have been taught morality then we need to establish a new set of rules. In that case we may both be helped by tuning in more to our own short comings and changing that part of ourselves in an effort to teach our children the importance of character. Compassion and empathy for each other, or the lack of it, will usually show through and are hard to disguise, long-term.If we cannot offer both we will usually find that both will be slow to be returned to us.

If we all know and understand ourselves first, then we will know the difference between what makes us respond or react. When our feelings are mixed up and confused then we need to use our common sense and reasoning.Common sense will tell us if we are confused when we do not refuse to listen to it.

No one human being has not been hurt as a result of making assumptions that were wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.We are not different or unique or stupid in doing the same. It does us no good to get down on ourselves when we do make a mistake,but we do need to learn from our mistakes by dealing with ourselves. Sometimes we will need to talk to someone who has been where we are and who can help us reason more clearly.We need to avoid those who we know are not good for us instead of seeking them out.

I am tired of seeing the true losers in life, destroy good people who are sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time. Any time we are vulnerable because we have not allowed ourselves to grieve from the lost of a loved one,our health, or income, then we need to be exceptionally careful before making rash decisions.

When we understand our own strength and weaknesses, then we will understand where and when we need to protect ourselves and forget about hurting the feelings of those who have ulterior motives. When we do we will recognize those who operate on both payback as well as their own agendas only.

Unless we can get rid of the false bravado that too many of us carry, that it will never happen to us, because we are too smart, we will not learn to trust our own instincts. By understanding that bad things can happen to good people, we will take the blame off of ourselves and instead accept that we were unprepared but will make certain we will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Too many times it is as simple as our being in the wrong place at the wrong time emotionally or mentally,because we were not prepared or did not even know there would be risk. My posts are about learning that we can trust, once we trust the fact that we have prepared ourselves through knowledge of ourselves instead of wasting time blaming others.

Unless we take full responsibility for our own self as well as our own behavior, from rising in the morning to retiring at night, we leave a door open for jerks to enter. We will commonly know someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend are a real bitch or jerk, because many times we spend too much of our time judging them or evaluating our friend’s relationships, when this time would be better spent on evaluating ourselves.

Nothing protects or gives back more than learning our own strengths and weaknesses.Knowledge will teach us to strengthen our weaknesses, while letting up on our paranoia. Life and dating should always be about loving and enjoying because we can trust our own motives, as well as our own choices.

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The Other Family Member

In some homes across America there will always be that one family member, who is often times, the most spoiled or the most neglected. This member will always be the most loyal regardless of how they are treated. They ask very little of the family beyond being fed and watered once they receive their yearly or bi-yearly shots, and will many times give up their own life if called on, for the family. The return of the family to the home is always the most exciting part of the day, for them. They worship, usually one member of the family more, unless we are fortunate enough to find that special one, who chooses more than one family member to tag behind.

Some families can love this member to its grave and make sure they know they are special and others can leave them outdoors in the elements totally neglected or in a house where they bring shame on themselves, since they are forgotten, and have no place to relieve themselves except in the filth of the home.

If there is any other place that the extremes of humanity are shown,in such huge numbers in America, between good and bad, than with this family member, I’m not aware of where that exists. The cruelty against them can be so atrocious that it often will raise the ire of the public in a way that no others can. Other times people will be quick to call people,who show their love to this family member as silly or ridiculous,because of the affection they shower on them.

I am talking about the family dog,of course, but cats can receive the same treatment. Cats are less loyal,however, and will often choose two other families in the neighborhood to adopt who will feed them, incase their original family fails their expectations. Unless of course, we keep the cat indoors, at all times, and then they are more than content to run our households.A spoiled dog can also run a home, until or unless, we let them know that there is an alpha male or female living in the home and then they are more than glad to take orders and remain in their order of the wolf pack mentality, that still goes back in their instincts for years and years, before the family dog became domesticated.

It has been awhile since I have updated you on our faithful old companion, so I will update you now. Just to refresh everyone, in March of 2010, we went on a vacation and left him in the Veterinary kennel, where he has always stayed while we have been out-of-town in the past. They do an excellent job, and in the past he has always resigned himself to staying with them.

Whatever the reason, perhaps because we took vacation earlier in the year than usual and threw off his routine or because he was 13 years of age and suffering a little dementia, due to being older, no one knows why for sure. He refused to eat and suffered a nervous break down with our being gone.

We got back home just in the nick of time, to rescue him from his own self-imposed-victimzation. It was touch and go for a while but he made a full and quick recovery.He is a toy cocker spaniel and was purchased to be a companion for me, while I traveled. As is typical, many times,life is what happens while we are busy making plans and my health altered the traveling dog plans.

Despite that though, he has settled in to be both a good traveler when my husband and I take him with us as well as a super house dog. We have not been able to leave home without him for more than a couple of hours since his break down. As a result we have spent trips or vacations in some pretty seedy motel rooms when we travel East.The farther West we go, dogs are accepted as a member of the family, and people look at us strange if we even doubt if they will take dogs in some of the most upscale suites and penthouses.

The fact that our youngest daughter lives in Portland, Oregon, and we plan our longest vacations around seeing her or meeting her elsewhere on the Coast, it has not been too bad of a hinderance to have him with us.We worry of course,especially this year when we met our daughter in Reno and went on to the California Coast and wine Country, if the trip will be too hard on him.

He ended up making the trip better than my husband and I, and came back just as perky as ever. He fits in well with us as he has a little arthritis and is content to take a nap in his chair:)I am pleased to say that he is going on to his 15th year of life and still not suffering old age, beyond his ability to still enjoy life. So that is the long and short of the update of our other family member.

I hope you take out time, even if it is only a few minutes, as most dogs will understand that our time is sometimes limited, to appreciate and praise your other family member, today. Any of us who do own dogs and are able to give them the proper care do know and understand that the little critters return love on a magnanimous level, when we are able to give love.

If you can no longer care for your pet due to financial difficulties or health, then please make certain that you place them with someone who can. I cannot urge enough, the need to give food,water and love to these family members, who ask for so little and give back the best in all of us and more. Have them spayed and neutered and their shots kept updated, and if you cannot afford to, then contact your local humane or animal shelter, as many times they will be able to do it for you, for little or no cost.

Sorry about the public health message, but animal over-population to the point of feral dogs running wild in major cities,as well as, upsetting the balance of nature in rural areas is becoming a problem and will become more than just a nuisance, if we don’t make certain our beloved family members are treated in the way we need to accept is a must, for the animal population, and our Human children’s future safety.

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The Dangers of Judging from Hind-Sight

As a new Nation struggling to gain control over the social ills of Society it is a dangerous practice to judge the past generations from the hind-sight of the future generations. If you read my previous blog it is easy to criticize the use of the homes for wayward girls, until we understand, that it was a civilized as well as charitable approach to the problems of the previous generations.

As I stated before, young women that became pregnant without benefit of marriage, were forced out of their homes and disowned for bringing disgrace to their families. With no where to go or with few skills or abilities to care for themselves and child there were many dangers presented as well as people that would exploit them for their own purposes and uses. The wayward homes for girls quickly became the perfect solution to the problems of the time.

When one understands the only available choices prior to this was the practice, to seek out the dark alleys or deplorable conditions of rural hospitals in order to gain an illegal abortion or placing children into both unclean and unsafe, often times with very little food, of both private and State ran orphanages, then the use of the homes for wayward girls become less of an exploitation and makes clearer sense as to being a charitible approach to a difficult situation. Young women were kept safe and not exploited as well as the babies went to a respectable church attending family, was the thinking of the time.

At no time in history, I’m sure, even though the Churches do tend to always be on the wrong side of history, has there not been an attempt to correct the ills of society by the churches. I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt in the possibilty, they were just incompetent but well intended. It is easy to point a finger as we become more civilized but we must always first remember the ignorance of the time in regards to today’s enlightenment. Just as the previous generations were not all bad they certainly were not as good as what they often got romantisized into being with the nostalgia that followed, either. In other words there has never been”The Good Old Days.” Mankind has always and still is struggling to find it’s own feet.

The 60′s generation may have been the beginning of the sexual revolution but it certainly did not invent illicit sex. Since all birth control use was impossible to measure prior to the invention of the birth control pill and there are no records to the extent of home remedies or use of the condoms the sexual history is totally missing prior to the 1960′s. At that point young women were becoming more open about sex, it was no longer the big,deep, dark secret it had been, and records were being established by prescription birth control records.

My problem isn’t with yesterday’s mistakes that proved to mankind the failures of their decisions but rather why are the churches as well as the right wing conservative Democrats and Republicans now fighting to rid the Constitution of the amendments and rid women and minorities of the laws that did correct the tragedies of yesterday, now?

It is one thing to hurt races, genders,children out of ignorance but also another thing to deliberately sit out to return the people to a time when all were exploited and mistreated. What is happening in the Jesus camps and the churches across America in the training of young women and children to be once more exploited is the real tragedy of society. To return women barefoot and pregnant to the kitchen, on known lies, so that white males can regain the jobs currently held by women is nothing more than cruel, unjust, and highly illegal and has been for the churches to even be involved in politics since the 1940′s, once we are aware enough to understand the cruelty of man having ownership over another.

We women need to wake up, as before we had no choice, since we did not have laws to protect us. Those laws are now in place. Trust your instincts when they tell you that returning yourself as well as your daughter to a subserviant role to men is WRONG.

Our grandmothers did not know any better but certainly we should and must know the difference if we are not to lose the freedom that we have gained as a result of the changes in law as well as the additions of the admendments to the constitution. Truly you do not believe that only the gays stand to lose their rights if the churches and the right wing conservative politicians win, do you? Whenever one segment of society loses we all lose. Except of course, “The Good Old Boys” that become more empowered at our expense. History, rather than hind-sight, proves it out!

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Larry King Files for Seventh Divorce!

I won’t make this about Larry King, per se, as I do not know the man and they’re plenty that will make something about it, claiming to know him. I simply use it as my lead in for questions that I have had for years now. For instance what makes a person marry so often and why would people marry them? Are they such romantics that when it comes to affairs of the heart they are simply blind sided?

I have been married for 40 plus years but could never in a 100 years put the person that I chose to spend my life with, through the pain that I have watched so many other wonderful people suffer through, by divorcing him. I think it is safe to say, that those of us that stay married have at one time or the other considered or at least looked at divorce as an option but instead we take a deep breath and regain our strength to go on with the commitment that we made. To some, our word has a greater influence on staying married than with others, is the conclusion, that I have drawn.

The idea that both agree to the divorce may be a concept that would make divorce palatible to some, but I sincerely, doubt that they do. It is only when their word means nothing or that there has been so much pain, as a rule, that both agree to the divorce. I would imagine that if the two of you realize you have nothing in common, or he/she cheats often enough, or the two of you turn into worse people together than what you are alone then there might be something to the idea of mutual agreement to a divorce. It is hard for me to believe though, that there hasn’t been a lot of pain or anxiety prior to reaching mutual agreement. I accept,that regardless of the situation, there are always those that do break the mold though, and anything is possible once, even mutual agreement.

The thing is that this circumstance is not going to happen 7 times and may only happen once. I truly have felt that loved ones suffer worse pain generated by divorce than many times is generated by death. When a mate dies, a person at least has the option to grieve, accept their loss and look back on the good memories. A person that divorces, taking into consideration one of them was ready and willing to love the other for a lifetime, as a rule needs to lose the memories in order to heal.

There is always the difficulty that makes a person that suffers through the pain of divorce, to ultimately question what they could have done differently or what is wrong with them and they not only have to give up their future but they also have to give up their past in order to move on. How can one person have such little empathy or respect for the person they profess to love, that they would cause that person such pain?

I can certainly see that a person that gets tired of the beatings or the control freaks or the liars wanting out and certainly there are grounds for divorce. Thank God that divorce is a possibility for victims. I do not have any problems with understanding that people are and can be very nasty and mean to each other, but often times those marriages are the one that last, out of fear, until someone kills the other.

I have heard marriages end however, because he is no fun anymore, she/he got sick and act old, he leaves the stool up and even more petty characterizations that get used when people discover that they are not either going to be able to change,control or manipulate the person that they married. The big one is “we just do not love each other, anymore.” I hate to tell you, if that is the case, more than likely they never did.

Some women, especially, dream of their weddings and put much more thought into it that they do looking at the character of the person they are going to marry. And for Heaven sakes—Does anyone really want to marry a person that will allow themselves to be hurt or is willing to hurt someone else five or six, or seven times? The percentages are great that if a person can go through that many divorces without pain then they are either narcisists or sociopaths with the ability to love no one other than themselves. If not they are addicted to being a victim and no one will make them happy because they really do enjoy being a victim

I’m always amazed with the people that divorce because they are sick of his drinking or her drinking. Didn’t it dawn on you that when he was falling down drunk or you were carrying her to the car because she was passed out, while dating them that they might also drink after marriage? What about the people that marry people that drop out of highschool, have done time in jail, or works part time while living with mommy and daddy and then complain because they are tired of never having anything after they married? Didn’t it ocur to them that there probably wasn’t much ambition there or at the very least some really red flags were waving?

Even though the most important decision a person will ever make in their entire lifetime, is marriage, more times than not lust, not love, wins out and leads to the marriage happening and then turns it’s ugly face to another person and becomes the excuse to divorce.

To truly love someone means that more times than not we ourselves will make the sacrifices necessary to make sure that we do not ever hurt the person that we promise to love, cherish and to hold dear for the rest of our lives. No matter how long it takes to get what we oursleves would like to have. Even though all rational people,understand that there will be times that we do hurt each other, because we are human.

We make sacrifices because it is more important to see them happy than ourselves happy. We do not need to be paid or to accept money in order to make the sacrifices as we make them from the joy of loving them. If they truly love us as we do them the biggest arguments we will have will be over which of us will make the sacrifice necessary, instead of one always making them. We know that most things that are delayed are better enjoyed later, anyway. True love grows, it does not weaken. We may all need distance from time to time but it never lasts as to be gone too long means we become too lonely for each other. We know that if we make them happy we will be happy because they are that important to us.

It should never be “I’m horny–lets get married”; “Honey, I’m pregnant, we need to get married”; “Look at that wedding dress don’t you love it! If we don’t marry now the dress will be out of style” ; “He/she lives at home now but they want to move out”, if ambition is important in a mate to you; or “When he gets out of jail, we are going to get married. He didn’t do it” if character is important to you; And finally his/her first mate did not understand them” as I guarantee you it won’t be that long and they will be saying the same thing about you.

First and foremost, answer the question, “What is important to me in a mate” and then find them and pay attention to what they say and do and not to what you say and do. It is not a manner of some people just finding the only good person out there, because they are more lucky than you are. There are still more good people than bad in this world and the good are as impatient with finding the right person as you are to find him/her.

Never settle as all the scum always settles either on the top or the bottom and when it thickens it also entraps. It is a much happier life to be free! If you do wish marriage though, pay attention to the red flags when they warn you while you date. As Mayuo Angelo says, “People will show you who they are, let them.” That is wisdom worth repeating over and over and over again.

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Sometimes It Isn’t The Right Time

I believe that life is all about the right timing. That we hit the slot machine for the big hit or win the lottery or get the job because we were at the right place at the right time. Also that the, Dear Lord ,helps him/her who helps themselves. Some people call that luck and I call it Divine Guidance. It depends on where we place our values or the depth of our Spiritual quest. I do think though that we can all agree that there are people, usually the nicest of people, that are hit time and time again with tragedy and they come out seemingly even more committed to life. On the other hand we also all know people that fall apart if they break a nail or chip a tooth.

The significance of all of the actions is that, we that do keep an open mind, understand that luck is just a word that is used to answer questions that most of us can not understand. We meet people that we are sure we have meant before. I worked with a man that fought in World War 2 that said when he and his men were under heavy artillery attack he remembered a cave in the area and he was able to lead his men to it and thereby save them all. The only problem was, after coming through it, he realized that there was no way he could have remembered it, as he had never been there before in his life.

Whatever, we call it, if it works for us, and it is working with us, most of us would do well to go along with it. It is that warning that many women talk about having prior to being attacked. When people knew something didn’t feel right, and acted accordingly, to find out if they had gotten on the plane and not changed their minds at the last minute, they would not be alive.

A friend of mine, had looked for years for a friend that had saved him and kept him alive during the Viet Nam war. He had hired a person whose job it was to find people and still had no luck finding the man that had saved his life. Although we had known each other for years, I knew nothing about the fact that he was badly injured and if this guy had not of grabbed him and gotten him on the hellicopter at the time that he did, he certainly would had died. When he decided to share the story with me at a party that night, I didn’t even own a computer, but once I realized that he had been searching for this man, I knew I wanted to find him.

I called my daughter at graduate school and asked her to look in New York as that was where he came from, and an hour later, they had each other’s telephone numbers and were re-united. A couple of years later after my friend had had a chance to take his family back to New York to meet his buddy, that saved him. His friend died of leukemia. My friend is the type that if he hadn’t of had this opportunity, to thank him for saving his life, I’m sure he would have been deeply adversely effected, for life.

Whatever it is, call it what we may, we all own it, it is in our instincts. Some believe it is their conscience, since it has no voice, others think it comes in a dream. More than one person has discussed winning the lottery by dreaming the numbers. Some think it is our angels. The same angels that they believe kept the man under rumble alive for a month in Haiti. It is something that is our own safety net, it does not tell us to go steal children from Haiti or it does not lead us to danger. I am of the mind set that whatever any of us decide to name it, is o.k. with me.

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