The Irrational NRA Leadership

When Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the NRA held his press conference today, and got up to speak I got so sick to my stomach of his propaganda that I hate to write this post drawing attention to his speech.  If I don’t talk about it and point out just how severely insensitive the man was then, I like to many others will let that type of mentality pass off to those who do not know the heart of the American citizen, think his brand of callousness lies in the hearts of the majority of Americans.  As expected he blamed everyone but the NRA. Politicians politicizing it, demonic behavior, gun free school zones as an advertisement for the disturbed,video games, the lack of guards in our schools, the entertainment industry and the media.

If anyone read my post yesterday entitled,”Why Do We Lead The World In Suicide’ then you know I pointed out the cultural differences that we all must share in and the responsibility we all must take to keep our children safe.  We do not need guns in schools because they offer a false sense of security to those who carry a gun.  They also offer a challenge to those like Timothy McVeigh who went to a bomb where armed guards were, instead.

The facts are that the majority of us who own a gun will not and cannot shoot to kill another human being and we will either freeze up when called on to do so or we will shoot wildly into a crowd and kill more innocent people. Even policemen, who are trained to use a gun, know to shoot their guns is the last possible choice they have to make,since we have an established record of collateral damage and more lives lost as a result of having to use a gun in a crowd, throughout our History. Armed guards in banks and air ports know not to shoot where people are gathering.  The guards only end up being another victim when a person enters the space or establishment and far more guards are killed in businesses,Court Houses, or banks than are armed robbers, because they do not want to harm the innocent around them.

I don’t know what kind of sick home Wayne LaPierre grew up in or raised his children in but his statement that,” today’s children will see 16,000 murder scenes by the time they reach the ripe old age of 18,” is so totally inaccurate that if it wasn’t such a serious subject it would be laughable.  Movies of sexual or violent content are rated in America and children who do not have an ID of proof of age cannot get into a PG13 or R rated movie.  I know that to be a fact, even when they are accompanied by an adult.

I don’t doubt there are irresponsible parents who could care less about the movies their children watch at home but to declare them as the norm is totally adding salt to the wound of parents who do not allow their children to watch these movies or play these games.  Many homes have controls on their computers and televisions that will not allow the viewing of these shows and television warns adults when something is not appropriate or wrong for children to watch as well.  Even our news programs will place a warning prior to showing it.

Facts number two are that the very same movies named and the very same video games that Wayne LaPierre named play in Countries like Britain and Japan and are the very same video games played in both Countries. A ten-year study shows that they do not influence children to kill but violence in a home acted out by parents can and does. The Industrial or Civilized Nations have as much porn and as many people who prostitute.  They work to buy and over spend as well.  All the same things we have in our culture they have as well.

Britain and Japan are as civilized and advanced as we are and have the same kind of Democracies as we do. Britain’s Military is as strong as our own. The prices and costs in Japan are extravagant along side of what we pay for the same. The raining London skies and the Cramped Tokyo Apts. lead to as much depression and thoughts of suicide in these Countries as much as they do in our own but they do not stigmatize mental illness the way we do. They have free treatment facilities where anyone who is suffering from mental illness or delusional thinking can get help free, at any hour.

What separates all other advanced or civilized Countries from the United States is they do not have a powerful lobbyist that has brain washed gun enthusiasts into believing that the right to own a gun is a higher right than the right for people to be able to live.  When murder happens they do not have a Wayne Lapierre blaming everyone and everything else but themselves for the murders in their Country because they have gun laws that lessen those deaths.  Britain averages 600 murders per year in total and Japan has practically none while the United States has 18,000 suicides or 32,000 murders per year.

The facts are that no other civilized Nation tolerates the mentality that the NRA has and the irrational thinking that they hold nor do they use the lies or the scare tactics and the despicable words the NRA uses to blame everyone but themselves. The National Rifle Association leadership, needs to convince gun enthusiasts that everyone else is wrong and they are right otherwise they may lose their own power through lost of membership dues.

They are amongst the most powerful lobbyists in the Nation and no conservative politician from either the Democrat or the Republican Party can get elected without the support of the NRA.  Other Countries refuse to fight murder and suicide by using guns to protect against guns because they are rational enough to understand that people cannot kill unless they have months of training or are disturbed enough to commit suicide/murder. These certified programs that Texas and Utah like to talk about are three-days of watching videos and training at a gun range while shooting at a target in order to get a certificate to carry a gun in school.

To give teachers and school workers,  in places like Utah and Texas a certificate of completion of  a gun training course does not qualify them for training that allows another human being to fire under threat of gun fire or to kill another human being while looking into the eyes of someone who is just a kid themselves. How much more desensitizing of our behavior towards the power of the gun over the value of life are we going to tolerate in teaching our children, as a Nation, before we yell enough! Do we really want our youngest and most innocent strapped with the knowledge or fear that their teacher or the nice man with a gun or themselves can be killed at any given moment?

Teachers are trained to keep our children safe and we want their thoughts to go first towards protecting our children, over running in fear or stopping to kill. Teachers who care are not trained to kill the next young man who walks into the building armed to shoot. Many times they are students or past students of theirs and they are not going to be able to shoot to kill.  It is irrational thinking on our part to think they can and equally as unfair as to think they should. We may think if it is our lives or the lives of a child we all can shoot to kill but it is pure and literal nonsense. Firing a gun is not like going out to the paint ball course and shooting paint balls at each other. The fear or the need to survive under pressure of assault in the untrained, takes over control of all rational thoughts that we have when our lives are not under threat of danger. We freeze,run, or if we shoot we shoot wildly injuring far more others than lives we save.  Firing at a target is not the same as looking a human being in the eyes and firing.

It takes a well trained or a disturbed mind to do so and even then that trauma follows those who are trained perfectly, the rest of their lives.  Ask any military personnel or policemen how devastating the effects are of taking another life in defense of the Country, is on their lives, even when it is done for a higher honor.  I have lived with the results of those who fought in wars and too many times they are haunted by it forever. Many come home and turn to alcohol just to live past the nightmares that enter their sleeping hours or become workaholics in an effort to forget.  Their marriages and their lives quite often fall apart.

The mistake the media made was to allow that kind of propaganda that is spread across America by the NRA and some of its followers to even be broadcasted. As soon as they knew they had been had by the National Rifle Association they should have shut them off just as they do when a politician says something that is not of their political persuasion.  When this propaganda is spread it only leads to desensitize the minds of those who are already desensitized to the point that it starts making perfectly good sense to them.

No person who hunts wild game, even after hours of target practice, will escape what is known as buck fever. It takes practice to be able to shoot game animals before becoming an accurate enough shot to make the bullet connect with the game animal being shot. Even seasoned bird hunters will experience buck fever when switching to larger game animals.  Buck fever is the name commonly given to the hunter who will both sub-consciously and automatically pull up on their gun when shooting rather than to kill the animal.

It is not an automatic reaction in clear thinking humans to kill with a gun on instinct and it requires months to train people to kill out of a necessity or a higher pursuit of justice. Both the Police Academies and Military training requires men and women shooting blanks or live rounds above the heads of those in the fields to acclimate them to the reality of being able to fire at a human being every bit as much as it takes hours to train humans to remain calm, in order to kill out of necessity in war or when under attack. These are not normal traits that we adapt to on a first reaction under attack.

The guns Mr. NRA said the media is lying about and the politicians are trying to find fame in and that are being politicized hold magazines that leads to massive deaths.  Does it really matter if they are military or assault weapons when they fire in rapid succession?  Don’t they kill just as quickly and destroy the lives of our innocent just as well. They certainly cannot be used for hunting anymore than the ammunition they protect can be used to hunt when its only purpose is to pierce the vests of policemen and police women who are killed in the act of duty by the same.

I have acknowledged that it is our culture and the love of the gun  that needs to share responsiblity with the NRA for gun deaths in America but it does not hold a candle to the deaths that are caused by people arming themselves with a false bravado of thinking they will be able to shoot to kill.   Nothing inspires the fantasy  or gives forth the power to kill more than those who are too meek to murder or encourages those who are disturbed enough to murder faster, than the thrust of a gun. The gun feeds those fantasies in the minds of the disturbed faster than anything else that they can do.

Those who will cause murder have no conscious and we cannot try to rationalize  our minds with theirs. I repeat, people who are armed are killed  far more often by the perpetrators than what the perpetrators are killed. They always have the element of surprise over us and a great many of them do not have the same fear of death because many of them are seeking out suicide by cop.

Guns in the hands of those who are not thinking realistically only offers us a false sense of security that is quickly over taken by the perpetrators. Those who are disturbed do not hear the noises and sounds we hear as many are disturbed or can only hear the voices in their own heads.  They do not even hear the screams around them that make us run out of fear but as soon as we think we can pull a gun and shoot we will be dead with or without our three-day certificate that gives us a license to carry a gun. It is a fact!

I am sick of the hate and the fear tactics of the NRA and if you viewed the same that I did and could not see that expressed yourselves, I can only respond that Americans are much more sicker than I thought.  The NRA fear and propaganda tactics are not only false but they are irrational and have no place in the power that runs America. It sickens me that such trash talk was allowed to be spoken on our media services at a time we are already sicken by the deaths of our innocent, by guns.

Instead of talking about banning ammunition and magazines that only serves to kill humans along with high powerful and assault weapons, Wayne Lapiere and the NRA paid for monkeys successfully changed the subject to arming personnel in our schools where our children would be subjected to even more violence.  Anyone who thinks the bullies or gangs who hang out in some of our schools across America would not find a gun a worthy challenge to be taken, are not being realistic about what really does go on when the disturbed are made to feel powerful behind a gun.

What can I say other than may the Season offer some design of light into the hearts and minds of all of us and may we be infused by the Holy Spirit and Guardian that guides us towards common sense and intelligence to know the difference.  May God help us all in letting the goodness in all of us shine through the insanity of it all. God Bless us and God Bless America.

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Why Do We Lead The World In Suicide?

Today I will offer my own opinion along with established fact that leads me personally to believe what the problem is behind the increase in murder/suicide in America.

We are second in the World in front of other advanced Nations after Montenegro in  percentage of suicides, where such records are kept.  When we think of ourselves as the Nation that people from other Countries want to immigrate to, we have to ask ourselves as to why our suicides are so high?

We  again begin with the N.R.A. interference into gun registration and add to that Americans’ love of the gun and its accessibility to people in America.  When the NRA not only fights against gun laws but also fights against people having to show proof of the lack of mental illness or treatment for depression when buying a gun, then guns end up in the hands of too many people who should never own guns.  They spend millions in litigation to fight privacy laws in favor of gun ownership. With the sponsorship of gun shows by the NRA across the Nation that require no waiting period what-so-ever and the illegal guns of street sales, America is flooded with guns.

Living in the land of guns and honey brings along with it the stress that often goes along with keeping up with the Jones. People do not miss that which they cannot hold,own, or goes unseen in their lives. American workers work longer hours in more extended days straight than any other Nation in the World.  We have fewer and less holiday and vacation days of any other Civilized Nation. We out work all other Nations in the World. Todays’s workers work longer hours than any generation has before them.

A person who struggles to feed their family or to provide basics are not nearly as likely to feel that they are missing out as those who are accustomed to getting what they want over what they need.  If we have paid attention to school shootings at all, we must have noticed that the majority of these children are white males who come from upper middle class or wealthy homes when murder/suicide does occur. It is much easier never to have had it than it is to have had it and to lose.   Americans many times marry their jobs since they spend many more hours on the job than they do at home, and when they find their jobs pulled out from underneath them it can and does trigger murder/suicide in the work place.

We are a Capitalist Society that invests in trade over the needs of the people. We are the only civilized Nation in the World that does not pay the entire healthcare costs of 100% of its people but yet we remain the richest Nation in the World. We  subsidize commerce to a far greater degree than do all other Nations just as our costs of the greatest military in the World cost 10 times more that what the rest of the World combined pays to maintain a defense system.

We live under stress every day of the week and often with wants that we either can’t provide for or feel we need. Many of us have not learned to make sacrifices now in order to enjoy life later. The exposure to goods in America,technology,clothing stores, and all other retail stores leave us wanting or feeling we are being denied.

With the breaking of the backs of our Unions across America by men like Sam Adelson who has vowed millions to eliminate them and the Tea Party Governors along with Republican legislatures  supporting the right to work laws without the same coming up for vote in our States, the middle class are dropping $5500.00 per year. Despite the facts, 47% of the American people who are primarily middle class voted to guard the gate of the 1% by voting Republican in our past elections. Stress in America is the number one killer because of the message driven home by too many for the need to own more, at the expense of the middle class.

When we started closing down mental Institutions because of the absolute abuse that was triggered by the lack of laws protecting our citizens, we went the other way and left our loved ones defenseless when it came to getting help for mental illness.

Previously to closing down the mental Institutions across America and the passage of the Equal rights amendment husbands could declare their wives unfit to raise the children and have her committed without even a record of instability. The husbands word alone was enough and many times he could get a Dr. to agree to the same without even seeing the woman. People who suffered from vision or hearing loss or were slow learners were committed into Institutions.  When the laws were lax towards those who could commit others, so much abuse reigned across America that it led to shutting them all down.

We are now in a cycle where those who are desperate for need of treatment for mental illness cannot get the help they need.  It is too easy to prescribe drugs without any follow-up or counseling.  Some general practitioners along with chiropractors, will prescribe both narcotics and antidepressants that lead to both aggression as well as further anxiety and depression.  In America if a person knows the right people or wants to find someone who will prescribe or supply drugs or guns all things are possible.  It only takes money to get whatever an American citizen wants both legally and illegally.

Even with good counseling and a drug plan that works parents cannot force adult children to remain on their treatment program.  The very symptom of some of the most grievous of diseases that lead to bouts of severe depression is that the patient will be made to feel better and believe that they can quit treatment which only aggravates the disease and makes it worse.

Drugs are readily available in America to both Street people and those who start out life as high achievers.  We are a Country that has a high tolerance for both guns and drugs while our Conservative politicians appear to be against the same with public messages over the years. They in reality will never face off against the lobbyists or the NRA who put millions into their pockets for re-election. Illicit drugs in America makes up 33% of our Gross National Product. Many killings in America are as a result of the flow of illegal drugs and the need to protect the distribution of the same.

We have 17 Republican controlled States that have passed the “Stand Your Ground Laws” with 6 more States discussing arming teachers. Too many amongst us have no concept of the danger of guns because it has been romanticized as part of our culture and of the old Wild West. When these same States are talking about arming teachers they are ignoring that any gun on school property is susceptible to causing collateral damage even in the hands of trained policemen.  They also are denying that even guns that are safe guarded in schools can be easily over taken by the gangs of bullies who often hang out in our school systems and intimidate teachers. When sliding steel pocket doors that close instantaneously and are impenetrable to those who threaten entry  from the outside are being used in facilities across the World the mentality of the American mind instead goes to more guns to protect against guns.

When people who suffer from mental illness are not confined for their own good or their own needs because Insurance Companies refuse to pay and  Obama care is ridiculed and fought against in sectors in fits of rage, then we leave ourselves and our loved ones vulnerable to the stresses and ills along with fits of depression that can and do lead to suicide. Instead of treating our mentally ill and  drug addicts we imprison them.

Any Nation of wealth encompasses people who make comparisons because too many times the politicians themselves will belittle or blame the have-nots while promoting those who have. The Republican Party appeared to accelerate that belief this past election with attacks against the poor in their own leadership and the need to adopt the Ryan Plan in order to deny the needs or in most cases the rights of the people. When those who are feeling rejected from loss of jobs and incomes, or are being bullied by others, are made to find their own uniqueness a fault rather than a plus, we leave open the potential to not only suicide but we harbor those who would take down our children with them.

We are a Society who puts too much importance and stress on the things we own, on beauty,skin color,appearance,money, and popularity. We encourage sameness or like beliefs, over encouraging individual expression.  We too often fail to encourage value in the uniqueness of each individual to express that uniqueness but instead demand that we all share the same belief system. Those who fail to fit into a cli’que of like mentality are often shunned,ridiculed, and bullied.  We support violence in the games we play and the movies we watch.  The movie industry knows and understands that movies without sex or violence will too often fail at attendance and revenues.

Our educational system is not supported by the Conservative causes and ranks low in comparison to other civilized Nations as a result of it. Bright children are too often criticized for their superior intelligence and not supported by a system that inspires them up to their abilities to succeed, due to limited funds granted to the School districts in our States.To many amongst us push our children in all categories that will gain them popularity over education and in doing so, to often it leads to mediocrity while insisting they excel in sports.  When highschool coaches feel that winning is the only thing that will save their jobs they offer steroids and muscle enhancers to their young players and it starts a panacea of corruption in our sports’ programs. The stress to always have more and to do better leads us in advancement in many fields in the world,  but it also breeds the ravages of failure, in those who feel as though they cannot achieve or have been left behind.

We self medicate on drugs and alcohol to cover up feelings of inadequacy or pain, because we place a astigmatism against mental illness. We do not tolerate those who expose our own weaknesses. The people who cause such carnage as was done in NewTown Connecticut, are usually those who are coming down off of a bad drug trip, are feeling neglected, powerless,weak,or worthless. Behind a gun they feel omnipotent and powerful and ready to show others who they often feel have either ignored them or made them to feel less of the person than they are.

We as a Society ignore and deny the power of the gun in the hands of those who would not otherwise kill, because of the control of the N.R.A. in our Nation or the fear tactics used against us to protect ourselves. They are not the only ones who use fear tactics as home alarm companies call and exaggerate home invasions in areas where none exist along with those who promote gun sales and under ground bunkers. The home alarm companies calls are being made in homes illegally as I have received the same  even though I am on the government “Do not call list.” They get around the law by claiming to offer a free prize. People rush gun stores and buy military weapons that have no business in any of our homes each time they think they will be denied their guns by law.

Those who act out in total disregard of human life do so because they lack empathy for anyone but themselves or they feel disrespected. In neighborhoods where drugs are sold on street corners,others die over drug sales. Others feel that they have been so ridiculed that they can only seek justice behind a gun. They may suffer from irrational beliefs  but they know full well that they will leave behind pain and destruction. Many times they feel that they will be a person whose name will go down in history as having made a difference, while knowing full well the misery they cause.  We as a Nation have romanticized people like Jesse James,Billy the Kid, Bonney and Clyde, Annie Oakley and other outlaws of the old West as heroes over generations, and in doing so we have romanticized the use of the gun to settle disputes.

Those who cause a silent suicide or one that does not draw attention to the outside World often do so because they are suffering, or cannot face the future, or feel that they are a burden on their loved ones.  Others are fearful of the future because they become so steeped in Religious conviction of Armageddon, or that God wants them or their children saved  from a sinful World, or suffer severe mental illness to the point they hear voices from the devil to kill. Other suicide/murders are committed over child custody or domestic disputes when they have access to a gun. Often times those who are afraid that they are lacking because Societal norms do not accept them for the person they are, will feel that life is not worth living or are driven by the need to gain revenge and do not consider the pain they leave behind because the act of murder/suicide itself, is most often an act of “Me Only.”

People who are sensitive to those who criticize, and often times are made to feel they are inadequate or weak are made to feel powerful behind the gun. It is just as likely to be a meek personality as it is an aggressive personality that uses a gun to kill.  America has 18,000 suicides a year where other Civilized Nations, who keep records of suicide, do not reach higher than into the 200′s. In total of murders and suicides we have 32,000 people lost each year. All other advanced Nations who have a much lower suicide and murder rate offer free mental health services that give parents more control over the treatment of mental health and much stricter gun laws.  It does not take a rocket Scientist to understand why America excels in the numbers of suicides and murders over all other advanced Nations in the World

Along with the greatest Democracies in the World comes the freedom to misuse that freedom through both abuse of others and self-inflicted wounds. With freedom comes the need to protect its citizens through just laws.  Americans should have a much greater right to live over the right to own guns.  We need to do a better job in understanding that our people as well as our children should never have to feel that they are less than the need or greed of Capitalism in a free Society. If we keep electing a Republican majority in Congress and in our States, who refuses to act in the best interests of our people, then don’t we have some responsibility to bear for the same? We are coming out lacking as a Nation because of our own lack of demand and insistence on the fact that our politicians can do better.

It brings some comfort to me to see that at long last we have hope at least that those responsible will do something but the proof still remains in the pudding. I long for the days when we can again promote the many qualities of all of the American people who are supported by all of our elected politicians, instead of a few.  America is still the best Country in the World but we need to be honest about our faults in order to make much-needed changes. May all of our politicians be strong enough to stand up against the lobbyists and brave enough to bring forth all the good qualities that are representative of America.  Wishing all of us hope this Holiday Season!

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Grief And Grieving

According to the process of teaching, “All truth passes through three stages, First it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed.Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”–Arthur Schopenhauer

Many of us feel a genuine sorrow each time that we hear of the deaths of children or mistreatment of pets, even when we have not known or spent time with them.  Not all people do, nor do they need to feel guilt if they don’t.  Not all people bond with children or pets and cultural differences in the way we accept death, also plays a role in why some people will grieve profoundly while others feel a compassion and act differently from those who grieve the lost of strangers. This was very prevalent in the attacks of 9/11, as well. Some people also remain more resilient while they prefer to spring into action first.

The NewTown tragedy, is one of many killings of our children by those who use guns but it leaves a profound lost on all of us as a Nation, because there are so many 6 and 7 year olds who have lost their lives.  Even those who do not have any particular fondness for children, can remember those hopeful years of their own lives, and feel that this tragedy leaves them with a genuine sense of regret for the lives lost.

We generally accept the Kubler-Ross model of grieving even though it has its share of critics as well.  The study was based on people who were terminally ill and how they coped with the lost of their health and the acceptance of death and they later applied the same emotions to all lost of that which we are bonded to.  I repeat the 5 steps here;

1.  Denial—”I feel fine”

2.  Anger—-”Why me?  It’s not fair.”

3.  Bargaining–”I’ll do anything for a few more years or one more moment”.

4. Depression—”I’m so sad, why bother with anything”.

5.  Acceptance–”Its going to be o.k.”

Others have added two other emotions and they are shock which most commonly accompanies denial and leaves us feeling numb and guilt.   Guilt is common with care givers who feel they should have been able to do more or with survivors who are involved in the same act of violence or car accident or in death of any kind. It is also common is spouses and siblings,especially when a twin is lost through death or separation.  It directly affects those who fight together in wars, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

Emotions can also be very varied without fitting a pattern of any kind.  They can run from solemn to trepidation to anxiety or to rage and disgust.  Many times feelings of jealousy or envy or even hate can follow when we see other children graduate with their classes or marry or we see other spouses with their mates, even after we feel that our sadness has dissipated. It is important that those who are experiencing many ranges of emotions are not alone but instead with friends and family members until the pain or shock that often triggers these erratic or difficult to deal with emotions calm down. When we are more clear of our own emotions then we can reflect on our own if we have the capacity to do so and know our own strengths and weaknesses. Any shooting of any nature often leads to temporary trauma in all of us.

In years past, the Medical Association did  not talk about post traumatic stress disorder in other situations outside of war.  As modern techniques expose more about the human brain, it is now more generally accepted that PTSD can and does exist on many levels of trauma and often times does accompany shock when death is totally unexpected.

The important thing with grieving is that we all know that there is not a clear-cut pattern for those who grieve.  Many emotions can be involved just as the more resilient or people with a history or exposure to death will feel fewer emotions.  Some may spend days crying while others who have been exposed to death can move on with few tears and gain acceptance earlier.  It is when grieving goes on for months into years with a total sense of helplessness that we should be certain to get professional help without any sense or feeling like we are weak or a failure.

We all have different ways of coping throughout life and a different time-frame in which we grieve.  Some find genuine laughter over memories of loved ones their healing tool.  Others will memorialize their loved one while still others who are use to solving their own problems in life will remain isolated amongst family members and choose to grieve alone.  Some will feel a responsibility and duty to do something first, and then grieve later when things become more quiet. Others will turn to Religion and the hope offered through its teachings while others will commit their lives to doing for others in an effort to feel good about themselves and to help lift the veil of sadness. Some delay going back to work and grieve immediately and find it only takes a few months to reach acceptance.  Others lose themselves in work and delay their grieving, because they feel a need to analyze the reasons why, first. When they finally accept the fact that there are no answers to the why they move on to the acceptance of death.

The main thing is that we acknowledge that not all things are great and that we do understand a necessity to grieve with the understanding that it should not be a lifetime condition that brings debilitating sadness. Some people will feel better talking about the death while others will want to choose who they discuss it with, if they wish to discuss it at all.  Many times those who grieve will blame the innocent bystander or take out their bad feelings on the closest people to them.

Grieving takes a high level of understanding sometimes. We cannot excuse poor behavior as being normal,and need  to understand that we may need to learn three simple words such as:”I am sorry.” Some people become over protective or obsessive out of fear of another loss during the period of grieving.  They will sometimes use poor behavior in order to deliberately drive away others who they love because they cannot bear the lost of another person in their lives. People who have a previous history of relieving bad feelings in themselves,on those closest to them, many times should ask for help during this time, while those who are close by understand this is not a time to judge, harshly.

Too many times we get stuck in one step of grieving and rather than feel the pain or get grief counseling will turn to alcohol or drugs and only compound our own grieving.  Grieving needs to take place, as the longer we delay it, the more problems will arise in the family as a result of our doing so. It is not uncommon for parents to delay their own grieving while making sure their children are o.k. first.  It is important that we understand that if we are not well then our children will not be  either.  Alcohol and drugs in moderation may help with sleep in the earlier days but should never replace or be used to deny the feelings of pain that we need to heal from, through grieving our loss.

We can grieve while also feeling genuine appreciation for having had our loved ones in our lives, and many recover as a result of the same. Some want to leave pictures up as a reminder of their loved ones, while others want to remove all reminders of them.  Some will continue to celebrate birthdays while others will feel a need to mourn. People are all different in their expressions of sorrow and we need to respect the same, but also remain cognizant of those who need professional help in order to cope. It is o.k to find moments of laughter and to look back after a few months or a couple of years and to acknowledge that we were not always rational during our grieving process.  Very many aren’t.

It is important that we understand that various levels of grieving in a marriage often leads to disputes that can lead to divorce if one of the members in the marriage are ready to move on and remember the good moments shared by the deceased while the other mate is still asking,”Why Me?” Grieving too many times will lead to intolerance in couples while it will bring others closer together since no one else can entirely understand their shared lost as clearly as they can.

We can often times treat those closest to us, during the grieving time pretty poorly, if we do not move ahead with the grieving process.  Children as young as 18 months can feel the loss of the bond of a sibling or parent and grieve. Children who lose their best friends can withdraw and be afraid of initiating new friends because to do so feels like betrayal to them. They can not always voice their feelings, or understand them, themselves. Children grieve differently from adults in that they often times do not cry but instead will act out.

Children may have episodes of unexplained rage or with draw into themselves.  When adults grieve it is especially important that when a child loses a sibling or a friend at an early age, that we understand that the children are losing the person in their lives that has always been part of their lives that they have confided in and made plans with for a future as well.  The most neglected lost of loved ones often does lie in the lack of understanding for the death of a friend or sibling, when they lose their friend or sibling too early.

The lost of a sibling is difficult for adults to deal with, but too few amongst us, understands the difficulty as the sympathy and understanding goes more often to  the parents,spouses, or their children. Siblings are often called on to be strong and to act as spokes people instead. The loss of a twin can compare to the lost of a spouse as many ideas,hopes,jokes,love,hate,upsets,plans for the future, and people in their lives are shared from birth and through out their lives. The identity or feeling of losing half of ourselves, when we lose a twin, is most like that of losing a spouse.  No relationship is more involved or longer lasting than that of  a twin relationship when their relationship begins in the womb they share.

What we as parents need to do is to make certain that our sadness does not spread over to our children or lose patience with our children if they are not shedding tears but are acting out. It helps  instead to discuss with them what they are feeling to make them behave the way they are.  Children should not hear everything about the shootings but sadly many will hear it from other sources and we need to be aware of the fact that details often become exaggerated and lead to nightmares in our children. When questioning them we need to be careful not to offer details but instead to find out what they know or are feeling and answer them honestly.

Just as some adults will cry for days while others don’t, the same is true with children. Children,depending on age, do not clearly understand the permanence of death.  They just know that their parent,friend, or sibling is not with them now and do not understand the long-term of death but feel a real unexplained sadness in themselves. Some will need our understanding on their level to cope without us forcing our own coping measures or the lack of the same on them. Grieving needs to be age appropriate just like everything else in life does.

The tragedy effecting our Nation in NewTown,Connecticut can affect our children around the globe and it is especially important that we communicate with our children about their concerns without expressing our own concerns.  It is alright to say Mommy and Daddy are feeling sad because they know that already but they should not be made to feel as a replacement for the children lost, or be compared to them.

We are each uniquely our own person and that applies to grieving as well.  We will not always be on the same page together nor do we have a time clock running.  If we need grief counseling we most definitely need to seek it out before we are left to deal with an unnecessary guilt or a prolonged sense of hopelessness.  It is important that we also rest during this time, when we can.  Grieving is exhausting and requires that we do get sleep.

Good luck and my condolences are with all of you.  I, like the rest of the Nations around the World, are wishing you the strength to recover on your own time and in your own space knowing our prayers and thoughts are with all of you.  May the goodness of the Season offer all of us the hope that we as a Nation will do something about such needless tragedies, in the New Year. God Bless all of us!  (See my previous post,”Guns And Mental Illness”)

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Being Genuine

Webster dictionary describes genuine as actually having the reputed or apparent qualities or character.  To many times we have people using words to describe others when they do not own or practice the qualities needed to possess or own character, themselves.  It was a repeated error made by candidates for election throughout the Nation this past election year.

When Governor Chris Christy of New Jersey showed his own Party what real character was or expressed genuine feelings in his praise of President Barack Obama’s quick response to the disaster in his State, due to the hurricane, men who like to refer to  themselves, as men who protect the standards of family values in America,criticized Christy for being genuine in his complement to our President.

When we as a Nation have leaders who criticize others who are genuine or fail to compliment others and treat it as a heresy when they compliment  or speak to a member of the opposite side of the aisle, can we really expect them to do what is genuinely in the best interests of those of us who are in need of their leadership?  Will men like Paul Ryan,Scott Walker, or Rubio, meeting and discussing the need of the Republican Party to become inclusive of the Hispanics, lead us to believe that they are genuine if they continue to vote against the equal rights of women to make decisions on their own procreation or to their own health, or when their Republican members in Washington filibusters immigration reform?

Are these, the often spoken about, the young new hopefuls of the Republican Party, any better than what has destroyed the “Grand Old Party?”When they speak about the Americans who fall on hard times as being the “takers”, while they vote against the needs of the people or refer to those of us who paid into government as, “people with their hands out who feel entitled”,or try to pass laws against victims of rape in defining legitimate rape, will we see any genuine change in the Republican Party when these young men are chosen to lead our Nation?

Doesn’t the Republican Party need men in it instead like Bob Dole who was genuine in his actions towards the disabled, the poor, and the need of the Republican Party to know and understand the needs of the people?  Aren’t these new young Tea Party members only an extension of what is wrong in the Republican Party?  Aren’t we the American People totally tired of words that are opposite of the actions they practice when it comes to voting against our rights and needs?

Too many times in our own personal lives we make allowances for those who practice disingenuous behavior because they are the beautiful people,the most charming of our children or friends, or because we want to be more like them or a part of their group. The new generation just wants to be respected by their parents instead. When we ourselves are less than genuine it shows all over our bodies and faces to those of us who recognize phony or shallow values.

When these politicians do the same, too many people, who are less than honest themselves, will be taken in by those who are not genuine. I once had a person tell me that my biggest problem was that I was too moral for the group as they did not place a high value on morality.  Isn’t that also at the root of why we keep electing people who are less than genuine in their leadership? I applaud the American people who did not accept or support the practice of lies , that won these men the elections in our States and Washington in 2010.

Have we forgotten already the way they won or their legislation that brought in the right to work laws that eliminated our protection from the Unions against unfair labor laws?  Will we forget the bills that they tried to pass against a woman’s right to choose or the involvement of the Tea Party militia in hate groups?  Will the Corporate Press be able to convince us of all the wonders done by these men of the future who stormed our States in 2010 and began laying off teachers,firemen and police while decreasing the wages of the workers?

When Republicans are promoted to run in the highest office of the land in 2014 and 2016 by the GOP, will we forget that they have been less than genuine in their practice towards the needs of the middle class when it came to an economic recovery and of giving us real jobs with fair hours and wages? Will we forget the passage of the right to work laws that denied the American workers and their Unions the right to vote because 27 States had Republican governors who were financed by the Koch Brothers? Didn’t many of the Republican governors lie to the people while they denied the workers their right to Democracy? Isn’t this currently  happening with Republican Governor Rick Snyder in Michigan?   Don’t these Governors represent the future of the Republican Party and the mentality of the Tea Party while the wages of the middle class continue to decline but the wealth of the rich increases two-fold?

Despite their argument that without the right to work laws corporations fail to move to their States and that these laws release people from having to join the Unions; they fail to say that Federal law already states people who do not want to join a Union need not do so.  These Republicans offer absolutely no proof of the truth in their Statements.  There is a simple explanation for the same and that is because there is no proof in what they state.  The proof that does exist is that the average worker’s income drops by $5500.00 per year along with benefits while their working conditions worsen.

The Corporations continue to win while the workers continue to lose is the fact with the right to work laws and there is no proof when 22 States have adopted these laws that corporations do move in. Why should they change from the States they already do set up residence in, when the majority if not all of the Red States where these laws have passed previously, have always offered corporate welfare to Corporations previously to these laws being passed in swing States? Are we the middle class foolish enough to believe that these Corporations will give up all their bread and honey, along with their facilities, equipment and trained staffs in the Red States in order to take less in the swing States?

If they should happen to move to the swing States, which is unrealistic, how much more concessions and job lost do we think it will cost the middle class workers? Would the workers in the Red States continue to believe that they lost their jobs,health care,and pensions because they were taken over by vulture Capitalists in the claim their Company was losing money? Don’t we already know the truth is that the greed of the Republican Party along with the greed of Wall Street is responsible for job lost over job gain?  What will it take for all Americans to understand this concept?

Michigan Republican Governor,Rick Snyder, like so many other Republican Governors in 21 other States,totally ignored the right of the workers to vote when the polls showed that only 6% of the people in the State of Michigan favored this move. Many in the Red States do not even know if they are a right to work State because they have such a heavily backed Republican legislature along with a conservative media, who does not keep them informed.

Do we feel that the current Republican Party is genuine in their representation of the truth when it comes to balancing the budget and avoiding the fiscal cliff in Washington?The truth is that the Tea Party members have dug in their heals again, just as they did the last time, and refuse to accept President Obama’s proposal of at least lowering the taxes on those who make less than $250,000. and John Boehner, is blaming President Obama instead of himself when it is his job to lead his own Party as Speaker of the House in Congress. They all appear on camera instead for their photo opts and profess in unison that the problem is that President Obama has sent them nothing while they reject his offer of cutting 4 trillion dollars and raising the taxes on the wealthy.  The only thing they seem to be able to agree on is to lie in unison to the American people. They began as “the Do Nothing Congress and they will finish out the four years” as the same.

Are they any different from the Republican Governors in our States? Have we already forgotten their 100 plus filibuster attempts against the middle class that would have protected the needs of the people and gave jobs to the same over their protection of Corporate? Don’t we realize their main goal was to make certain that President Barack Obama was a one term President?  Do we really believe that these same men will now compromise in order to keep the economy improving when they have fought against President Barack Obama’s attempts to do the same in the past?

With all their excuses as to why they lost just how genuine are they in understanding their need to be all-inclusive of the American people?  Is it just another example of empty words on their part? Does our own belief system fail us when we are asked  to remember the behavior directed against us by them? Do we learn to hate others who do us no harm, because we have a genuine belief system that tells us that hate is acceptable? Does our own belief system excuse us from making excuses for ourselves instead of taking action?

Is our problem that we long- ago lost touch with practicing any kind of value system based on genuine values, ourselves? Do we have a clue what we believe when we are called on to fight for the same?  Do we believe instead what we have been told to believe so we go into denial when we see or hear a real lack of sincerity in the same?Are those who promote family values, actually those who talk about values but find morality too difficult to maintain themselves?  We need to be interested in politics and the history of our politicians if we are to hold them and ourselves to a higher standard.

When we fail to hold those who would lead us to higher standards, it is we who lose.  This is true when it comes to raising our children and in teaching them right from wrong because we practice what we preach.  When we fail to make morality a priority in our own life the first to understand that our words do not match our actions, are our children.

Many a straying spouse does not just prove to their spouse that they are not trustworthy but they also teach their children that adults cannot be trusted or the person they most admire lacks morality when it comes to being an adult. Many children will turn a deaf ear to what they feel is nothing more than gibberish when they recognize that the behavior of the adult in their lives does not match the words they speak. Sadly, others will emulate the same behavior when they become adults but they will many times prove to their parents that they can do a better job of failing  than what their parent or parents did when it comes to being less than genuine.

When we talk about how busy we are but our children never see us get off the couch they believe the ”busy talk” in us is less than genuine.   When  our children’s  needs to be disciplined go unprovided for, but are replaced by wants instead, we raise children who grow up feeling entitled without them making any efforts towards justifying the same in themselves; too often some will adopt a grandiose image of themselves while being totally void of human empathy for others while they often lack the understanding of what it takes to be ambitious.  If we never teach our children to take genuine responsibility for their own behavior or to care for their own needs in the home, but instead we make excuses for them or wait on them, we deny them the right to find genuine satisfaction in their own accomplishments.

When children are left untrained and untaught they often grow up fearful of being independent from us or to immature to leave home and to form their own belief system.  If we always treat work as something to be dreaded, we teach our children to be lazy instead. Too often we adults will go into denial before we accept the truth of the fact that our child’s behavior is out of control. The lives our children live while they watch us, when it fails to match the genuineness of the words we speak, often leads to denial in us and confusion in our children.

This is true about any behavior or words that leave our lips.  When we are less than genuine the first to accept it as being normal behavior in adults, are our children.  The fact that the youth vote went over whelmingly for President Barack Obama should show all of us who fear the “Me first and now” traits in the youth vote, that we are dead wrong in our judgements. Just as sometimes  the callous of heart appear to belong to the Tea Party or National Rifle Ass., we totally over look the value in the young who would put many of our generations to shame. President Ronald Regan means nothing to them and invoking his name did nothing towards winning their votes.

We forget that this generation of young people learned from us not to trust.When one out of every three homes on the block experience some form of  abuse in it, they have learned that they cannot trust adults to protect them.  We cannot turn around and place the blame on them without taking our share of the blame and pretend to begin to solve the problems that we face as a Nation, while talking about family values,if we do not understand that as adults our generations were far from perfect,as well.

The 1950′s were anything but what they have been romanticized to be but instead were hidden under the lies of injustice and under the veil of secrecy. The same environment allowed for the inhumane and violence of the Jim Crow laws to continue unchecked along with the violence and inequality of not just the tragedies of those laws but also the lack of laws that protect women and children against extreme abuse.

Those who would advocate the return to the 1950′s are not being fully cognizant or honest of the hardships and lack of humanity of the era.  When we fail to act out of genuine concern for all of our people, ourselves, we are certain to elect officials who would ignore the tragedies of the era,and instead repeat a history of genuine injustice. We as a Nation cannot return to a time of ignorance and injustice but we need to move forward by electing legislatures who  protect all Americans by making certain that the laws protect our children regardless of race,creed,gender or gender orientation, who are the most vulnerable amongst us. The spread of half truths and ignorance only makes hate breed.

Just as those who are aware of past injustices, and fight against the return to the same, we need to acknowledge in more recent times our children were victims of their babysitters, Ministers,coaches, and Priests,others their uncles,neighbors or Boy Scouts leaders,still others their step fathers, dads or mothers, others grew up with drugged,beaten,or alcoholic parents, and still others were prostituted by their own parents. They were warned about pedophiles and terrible behavior in adults that many of our generations were not aware of even existing.

Much of this same behavior happened throughout previous generations as well, but when it is kept as a secret in the closet to take to the grave we grew up being told it was our sin to bear and an isolated happening or worse yet, normal behavior, to practice as adults ourselves.  In keeping the secrets of those we were led to believe we should emulate, we lived our lives in turmoil being convinced we were the demon seed, where as todays generation understands that it is not their fault but the fault of the adult, once they are of voting age. This behavior is not limited to poor neighborhoods but happens on every block regardless the socio-economic conditions.

Many of our young people grew up to find their Sports heroes, steroid addicts or shot or killed in drunken accidents. Others were given drugs by their coaches and told to take it or else.  We adults left them devoid of the heroes we took for granted.  They did not have Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, or Martin Luther King to offer them hope in their lives.  They have no reason to trust the adults in their lives because if they were not victimized they have a friend who was.  They certainly are not going to take a politician’s word for something when their actions are less than genuine and they watched their mom’s work two or sometimes three jobs because they were not paid the wage that their Dad’s were.

They were not bought off as Mitt Romney said with “free birth control” but they have seen too much disingenuous behavior in adults in their lives to be bamboozled by less than genuine politicians. Many of them have no reason to any longer fall for the charismatic who will lie to them.  When abuse was not a part of their life they grew up with the ability to express themselves.

The fortunate ones had parents who encouraged them because they had parents who did or are doing a better job of instilling morality in the next generations than our parents or we did, so the young amongst us who are our future, do recognize the lack of words matching the actions in those who would lead us. It is way past time that we, just as the youth vote does, demand proof of the genuine actions of our politicians to hear us the American Public, and to act as our leaders over lying to us. If the Republican Party continues to fail to understand that their behavior and performance has been exposed and has come out failing,  they will continue to lose elections.

When the Republican Party learns to run legitimate candidates who are genuine in their words matching their actions, then the Grand Old Party will return fully vindicated of its past history and will again be representative of the needs of the people. Talking about it will prove nothing when the conversations are about play acting warm and fuzzy feelings or concerns for the middle class,women, and minorities but their actions taken, prove otherwise.   They cannot deny the voters the truth when their own votes, platform,voter suppression, and actions betray them as less than genuine, nor will it win them votes of the American people.

When the Republicans refuse to accept genuine actions speak to the heart of the youth vote and those votes that they are accustomed of getting, are the votes of the dying generations, then they must change their own actions or become distinct along with the dinosaurs. Unlike those of our generation and before, young people do not buy into the belief that a candidate is a “Nice Young Man”, nor do they vote the way they are told to vote.

Todays’ young people grew up on the internet and are much more likely to check  out the voting records of the candidates  against  their campaign speeches. Bullshippers in politics are on their way out with tomorrow’s voters. The Republicans need much more than empty words or the Hispanic vote in their corner and in most cases, they are assuming that the Hispanics have a short memory and are not computer savvy as well.  No one takes the privilege of voting more seriously than an immigrant, denied.

I wish all of us the appreciation of having genuine people in our lives who surround us this Holiday Season.  May we all be so Blessed as to attract the same with our own honesty while understanding the need of it in all of our own lives. The Holiday Season is not about making comparisons with our neighbors, but about taking pride in the generosity of the American spirit that we helped inspire, while embracing those of us who express the truth of that same spirit.  Celebrate the genuine goodness in all of us by giving of ourselves to what ever Religious or Spiritual belief we hold dear, or as a sign of our genuine love expressed, and give what we can spare to the less fortunate, as a reminder of the real purpose of this Holiday Season.  God bless us all!

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Do We Know Ourselves?

When was the last time or have we ever taken a hard look at ourselves?  Many felt that candidate Mitt Romney defeated himself in the election because we really did not know the person, Mitt Romney, when his conversations in private were opposite of his public conversation. The young Tea Party members are expressing the fact that they need to be more inclusive of all Americans and talk about it.  Does conversation on a level of rhetoric convince any of us when the actions through their votes deny the same? When Congress holds the middle class hostage as they have for thirty years, in order to make certain the wealthy gain instead, will we believe that they care about all Americans?

Isn’t this true about many of us, in that our conversations are many times opposite of our actions? How inclusive are we in our actions?  When I first moved into the Rural areas or took a new job, and I still find it to be true, many of the people I met were so busy asking me questions about myself, while they failed to tell me much of anything about who they were or are.

When couples meet for the first time many times women will tell men much more about themselves than what men will tell about themselves. Many time a majority of men will talk about what jobs they are studying for or hope to get or they hold,hiking,sports,hunting,fishing,women,working out,or any other subject that does not reveal themselves long before they will reveal personal information about themselves.

In the heading about myself on this blog I reveal nothing about myself but state I prefer to let others define me because in writing anything, we will reveal ourselves.  Too often people will go into denial about the person they feel  they are before they will take an honest look at themselves. Many times if we ask what their belief or philosophies are on important issues of the day, we will many times get back a blank stare before we will get an answer.   Other times we hear, ”I really am not interested in that,” “that kind of stuff just makes my mind go numb,” or “I haven’t got a clue about what you are talking about.”  Too many people fail to realize that we should at very least take time out to reflect or know our own philosophy on life in order to understand the person that we truly are and embrace.

If we fail to understand our own belief system and the triggers in our own life, that makes us understand why we react to the outside stimulus of life the way we do, then we too many times will spend a lifetime judging others according to standards we do not practice in our own lives.  Many times we will live beyond our means and makes excuses as to why we do or look down our noses at those who do with less and find much more happiness in life than we do.  Having the courage to look at ourselves on an honest level of really knowing and embracing the person who lives inside of us is what makes us find the joy that we seek.

When our own behavior defies the reality of the person that we are, we leave others feeling as though we are a misguided individual, or brain washed by Society or other people’s philosophy, while we have no clue as to what it is that we truly do embrace.  The 2010 election was a perfect example as to how quickly what we knew about our President Barack Obama, could be turned on lies both against him and against Obama care.  It took too many to finally realize that is was not our President who changed his commitments to us but the lies that we accepted as truth, that turn our views on him.  In the end he won because we recognized that his words matched his actions and as a leader he would fight for our rights.

When we fail to know ourselves then we too many times can be led in life by people who prey on our vulnerability. If we have to ask,”Why am I always attracted to people who are not good for me?” then it is time we discover for ourselves why we have to ask,”Why are we always attracted to the same and what are the triggers in me that makes me continually repeat the same mistakes?” Our friends will make excuses for us and so will our family say things such as,”You are just to kind or trustworthy”, or other answers that actually make us feel better about being attracted to those who prey on us.” When we do not get an honest answer but buy into what others tell us, we keep repeating the same mistakes.

When we learn more about ourselves we often find that we have an irrational need to be needed,or to be made whole by someone else,or there is an insecurity in ourselves that can only be made to feel better by attracting or gathering those who we feel are inferior to us.  When we believe we are better than those who we attract too many times we feed our own false ego in the process. The difference between confident people and insecure people is: that those who do know themselves understand their own weaknesses and strengths and their lives indicate that they live according to their own philosophy of self, over that which has been defined by others.  When I tell my readers that I would rather be defined by others, it is because I am confident in the person that I am and yet aware enough that even with that, people will define me anyway.

It is when we can change and alter our actions according to the words that we speak that we do become the person we want to be.  We do not have one set of standards for ourselves, while holding another set of standards for the clique’s,or the job that we work or the group that we hang with during our free time. When we are true to ourselves then we are true to others as well.

Many times in life we are given tests, or run into road blocks in life, or even marry people that we had no business of marrying.  If we do not reflect on ourselves and what our own tolerances or rejections in life are all about, then too often we will go into denial about the person we are.  We need a clarity of why we react and why we need to fill an emptiness in ourselves with that which is bad for us.  If we do not understand ourselves It will exhibit itself in all kinds of judgement calls against others,acceptance of what we intellectually know and understand to be destructive but we will choose it anyway, and leave us in a state of confusion to the point that we can be led by undesirables.

We heard the word hypocrisy expressed many times during the election year because we did not feel that the candidates spoke on the truth of their own lives and how they have voted or spoken in the past. Too many times the candidates had one set of rules for others while having another set for us, when their own actions betrayed their own words.

When people criticize those who have affairs and gossip about it around the coolers or our coffee table, it is not all that unusual that they themselves have had affairs or will have in the future.  Many times the idea of the same has been entertained, at least in their minds, and by downgrading others that have had affairs, they often feel safe in the words that they speak. This is true about many other things that we tear apart in others as we too often fear,”But for the Grace of God there go I.”

Many of us can and do find hypocrisy in people who will malign others regardless of the conversation because we do know and understand our own strengths and weaknesses, and find gossip such a waste of the precious time each of us are allotted in life.  I personally am bored by such talk because I want to know you and what is your banner that you promote and stand for, or will fight for, and what it is about you that is special.

Each of us,regardless of what others think about us,will find that we are uniquely an individual that is special in an area of expertise that makes us the way we are.  We will also often discover that much of what made us think we knew better than others, is our weak point.  When we know ourselves we leave behind so much of the waste and the distractions that separates us from the joy,that we feel in knowing we are our own person and much stronger and competent that we believed ourselves to be in some cases and in other cases we find a total humbling experience.

Either way it is in knowing ourselves we will not only do what is best for us but we will also do what is best for everyone else as well.  When our actions match our words we do not tolerate bigots nor do we reject the equal rights of others but instead we become more inclusive of the understanding that we are all working towards the same goals in our lives.  Happiness often comes at a price and if we do not seek it through hard work and honesty of self, we often find that we fail it instead of it failing us.

I wish all of us a clarity of self this Holiday Season because we do know and understand that our limits range from the amount we can afford to spend on gifts to the amount of triggers in us that causes us to be upset by other’s rude behavior and words.  It is not wrong to discover sometimes, that it is time to throw the bums out of our lives, and to embrace the Independence in ourselves that makes all of us strong enough to carry the crosses we are asked to bear.  We must understand at the same time, there are triggers in us that causes bad reactions in others and work towards changing those triggers in ourselves, as well.May we all have a Blessed Holiday Season and a Happy New Year!

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It Is Not About Us

As Congress looks for and finds blame with their insistence that the deficit be balanced on the backs of the middle class,the students,the elderly,and the poor while refusing to look at the role they play by the continuation of the same, there is plenty going on in our lives that is about us.  While Corporations refuse to hire here but instead send jobs overseas to increase the wealth of its board members, it is about us. When we are not educated to meet the demands of the ever-changing market place it is about us. When weather causes havoc and turmoil in our lives, it is about us.  When we lose loved ones and are left to grieve our lost, it is about us. When others who can afford to do so, refuse to carry healthcare and we get stuck with their healthcare costs with increased premiums because Congress wants to eliminate Obama care, it is about us. With so much in our lives that affects us it is sometimes difficult to understand a lot of other things in our lives is not about us,as well.

Many times things happen around us and unless we understand that “it is not about us”, but rather our response to it, that causes us to get involved and often times it leads to our own pain, we will waste way to much precious time in our lives that will keep us from enjoying life. When a couple divorces to often,if we allow them to drag us into their lives by taking sides, we will end up feeling like we are the loser as well.  If it is a special friend and we take sides while the couple separates, it will to often cost us what we feel is a close friend, if the couple decides to reunite.  Even if we do not take sides but try to help the couple to understand each other, many times they will regret what they confided in us and feel uncomfortable around us because they told us to much about themselves, and too often we lose both friendships, even when they divorce.

The above situation had nothing to do with us but it is when we get involved in other people’s problems that it can become about us unless we realize it is they who have lost a valuable friend in us, and we cannot call ourselves a friend unless we do try to help, that we realize it is not about us but instead all about them.

I had an incidence in my life that took place when I won at the Casino and the person I was treating said,”God let me win because He knew I would be more generous and share than she would have been if she won.”  First of all, I do not believe that God had anything to do with my winning nor does He have anything to do with money.  I think people use the idea that God is in control of every facet of our lives to the point that if we even sneeze that God caused us to, instead of the fact that it was an allergy or cold that caused us to sneeze. I choose to believe that God is with those who suffer and give of themselves instead, since He gave us all free will and helps those who helps themselves. If God was responsible for everything in a person’s life then He would have no time left for those who call on Him in time of need.  My winning was not necessary for me to live,eat,breath, or find joy in my life,nor did my gambling cause us any hardship.I was thrilled when the machine hit, just as all of us are when we win.

I won because I went to the casino, without the other person even being in the same State much less the same Casino, I took the risk that gambling involves, and I chose the right machine at the same time it was ready to pay off.  Any person in the Casino could have put the same dollar amount in as I did and won the same jackpot. Our generous spirit may be a gift from God, as He does reward the generous in spirit ten fold, but my winning at the Casino had nothing to do with God nor the person who said I won instead of her.  We to often in our lives look at other people’s success or failure and think that either has anything to do with us.

We may all make mistakes as parents but once our children become adults they also take on the responsibility for their own behavior and if they allow others to mistreat them or they mistreat themselves,we can not help them if they refuse our help. If they become a success,then they deserve the credit over us because, “It is not about us.”  We can be concerned about them or proud of them but ultimately as adults they do decide what road they travel, with or without our approval.

As their parents,we only have control over our own response to our adult children’s actions and can only offer support when they ask us for the same. To force our beliefs on them robs them of the ability to form their own ideas or beliefs or to accept the mixing of their belief system with that of their spouses. Our adult children, and especially once they marry, need to make their own decisions even when we do not approve of it and they refuse to listen to what we often think is sound reasoning. “Sink or swim” our adult children’s behavior,  is no longer about us beyond our own reactions to it.

The sadder part of life is when our own children, who are not adults, emulate that character flaw in us that thinks everything is all about us, by thinking it is their fault when bullies bully them.  Bullies are made at home by over demanding parents in some cases or by neglectful parents in other cases.  If a child feels defenseless against the parent who thinks they are disciplining but instead the parent makes the child feel like they are  being bullied by the parent or a child cannot find reprieve from their own hurt feelings, many times they will bully others who they feel cannot or will not fight back.  When parents tell their children to hit back they help create another bully on the playground.  When teachers punish both children because they fear the parent of the bully or have not seen who is being bullied then to often it can lead to tragedy.

If we could as a Society tell our children that the anger that is unleashed by the bully is “not about them”,but instead about the home the child who bullies comes out of, then we could begin sitting down and discussing our differences with the bully. When Schools refuse to play a role in the discussion when the bullying takes place on their property, they fail the child who is being bullied by expelling them from school for the equal amount of time they expel the bully. When negative behavior is enforced by negative responses we teach our children that the adults in their lives cannot be trusted to do the right thing.

I had a case,myself, where I thought it might be possible to have an adult conversation with the parent of the bully, but instead the parent went into name calling and telling me it was not her problem when the child I was speaking about did not haul off and hit her daughter back.  It was not about us, but the children that needed to be heard, and it was lost on the mother of the bully.  Teachers run into this same attitude of these same parents, when they do show up but many times it is the concerned parents who show up instead.

We parents first, need to understand that there are people who are going to try to control the circumstances in their own lives by controlling those around them and it has nothing to do with us, unless we demand zero tolerance of bullies in our own homes,schools, or environment and do something about it instead of obsessing over it.  When we make everything about us, and then do nothing but complain we teach our children the same. When worry or inaction is viewed from the seat of children, they learn to tolerate what we have tolerated for to many generations,as being normal behavior. If schools,businesses, or we do not punish small children who bully,or permanently expel people who play on our fear or lack of action, then we all tolerate the bullies and it does become about us. Our children learn nothing through fists or violence but to be violent in return.

Just as there are kind-hearted people, there are mean-spirited people as well. Both types of people will co-mingle in almost any kind of group.  It has been my experience that a majority of men will just consider the source of an insult when issued by a woman, but some will fight it out when it comes from a man.  Not many people look at a fist fight as much of anything other than plain stupidity, so why do we tell our children to do the same?  If we ourselves cannot treat the person as having their own problems and know they treat everyone else the same way, then how can we tell our own children that, “It is not about us, if we do nothing to protect them when we do have supervision over them?”

I ask everyone this Holiday Season to consider what I am saying.  Store policy is not about us but about others who do shop lift or steal.  We may pay for their theft but if we feel that the questions being asked are about us, instead of policy, too often tempers will flare and our children are watching our own performance.  The same is true when someone is rude enough to cut in line; for us to allow someone else to spoil the experience of the Holiday shopping, when,” it is not about us” because we lose sight of the fact,that angry words will never make it right, but instead is a negative response from us who only adds to the chaos, then we understand what our own response does to inflame the problem.  Two wrongs never does make a right.  As Bill Clinton said,”it’s about the math.”

We need to spend more time thinking and communicating civilly if we are going to succeed as a Nation,as parents, or as the person we most want to spend time with during the Holiday Season.  If we ourselves are filled with anger that is spreading all around us,if we are rude to others, if we have a need to control, if we take a bad day out on others around us, if we are mean-spirited, then it is about us.

If we are none of those things, “Then It Is Not About Us.” When we understand the reality of another person’s bad behavior “is not about us”, we refuse to let their bad dispositions destroy our own joy.  If we insist on the opposite, then we are making our feelings dependent on their negative feelings which they are responsible for, and  as adults who said or did nothing to harm them, we are not responsible for their lack of respect.  Everyone will have a bad day but everyone is not entitled to ruin our day unless we give them permission to do so.

Have a good day everyone and enjoy the responses in yourself that you create ,that ARE about you, and let the other things that you allow to destroy your day go. The majority of harm that is done to us as individuals are many times as a result of our own reactions to life and is often created by our reactions to a disagreeable human being, who has their own issues to deal with, without our taking their negativity to heart. Enjoy the Holidays and celebrate!

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AHHhhhhh!

For those who missed it, the above title is a sigh.  The Thanksgiving meal has become a recent memory and the turkey an ugly carcass and the next Holiday meal with all the trimmings will be fixed by my son-in-law and daughter while I spoil those terrific grandsons of our’s.

I have the Holiday gifts purchased wrapped and mailed, and I am down to charitable giving.  We purchased the car that we will be revisiting America in while we travel both Canada and the U.S.A. My husband is a tall man so it is always a challenge to find something that is tall enough to give him the head and leg room he needs, that is comfortable for me, and that I no longer have to use a running board to step on to pull myself into the vehicle.

Lucky me that the market is flooded with Japanese and Korean vehicles that are made for the 5 foot 8  or under people and the taller Americans appear to get the smaller American sedans appear to become, due to all the added technology.   We have never purchased a vehicle not made in the U.S.A., and probably never will.  The only vehicle that fit our qualifications was the Mercedes-Benz SUV.

The American-made pick ups,suv’s, and custom vans fit my husband’s size and we have had our share of them, but they require me to step on a footstool or to swing my leg up on the running board and then to pull myself up and I am  hurting before I even leave home, since my health problem is as compounded in the arms as it is the legs. We feel somewhat justified buying the Mercedes since it is made in Alabama, and you do what needs to be done.

Some people on the internet and Facebook, that seem to think it their job, have done their number on degrading the Chevy Volt, that was one vehicle that caught on fire when it was put through rigorous test results that would not happen with normal driving, and the Mercedes-Benz SUV because 8,700 vehicles had their floor mats recalled because of the potential of it sticking under the gas pedal.

I have no idea what drives people to downgrade others who have their best interests at heart, much less vehicles, but the Chevy Volt even got a dressing down by the Fox news panel even though it is the model other Countries are copying in order to catch up with its technology. It is almost impossible to get lost,killed, or bored in today’s fully loaded vehicles if we follow the speed limits, do not get caught in a pile up due to bad drivers and weather, or do not meet drunk drivers, regardless of where they are made.

I need to send out very few Christmas cards yet and the decorations and the lights were up and went on Thanksgiving night. We needed to stay at the Kids’ house as it was their turn for the other side of the Family for Thanksgiving, and we bought the SUV across the river from where they live but a distance from our own home.  My husband got sick from shell-fish and we were grateful that they extended us the offer.  Their cats were as well and they got a nice airing out of it.

It was a delight to see their tree up and lights strung as well.  I learned years ago that the weeks before Thanksgiving run as good of sales as the stores do after Thanksgiving,because often they need to attract buyers worse before Thanksgiving than they do after.  Any time I can get 40% off across the board and not fight the crowds or stand in line, it is worth shopping early. I understand that many wait for their bonus but since I pay my credit card off during the year I do not feel bad paying a little interests until the bonus is paid.

The Christmas Season or Holiday Season has always been my favorite time of year.  If I stay away from the grumpy or harassed Christmas shoppers who are shopping on Black Friday or the last-minute, I never have to see the dark side of the Holidays.  The generosity of the majority of Americans shown during the Holiday Season is always amazing and almost magical to me.  It is not an easy task to remember all those who we share our thoughts,prayers,cash, and gifts with during the Season.  When we add the meals and goodies anyone who can, do, and we see the best of mankind all around us, how can we not be inspired by the graciousness of the American people? Why anyone would resent or hate the Season is beyond me, but many do.

The complainers totally over look the generous spirit of the Christmas Season and instead complain that Christmas has become too commercial. Those who are members of a Religion, such as The 7th Day of Adventist, even refer to the mention of Santa as being sinful and deny all mention of his name in their home,totally disregarding the fact that Santa comes from the name of Saint Nickolas who was admired for his spirit of giving.  Children in these Religions are never able to celebrate beyond attending Church and being reminded of the Christ child. I do not criticize those who truly believe as they do or their right to do so.

My own personal experience with the complainers has not been so much that they  themselves resented giving as it was that they felt cheated on the Holidays when they were children,felt to give to children meant they would be spoiled and lose the meaning of Christmas, felt they should be receiving and not giving to their children,were too drunk on alcohol or drugged out to care, or felt giving to children left their bank accounts lower.

I understand the difficulty of the Season if we have lost a loved one since the memories of past Holidays can sadden all of us, if they are all alone, do not have a job, or cannot afford to buy the gift the children want from Santa, but often times these are not the people who chronically complain about the Holidays. Many of them learn to seek out others who share their pain or learn the healing power of bringing joy to others brings to them. Others are also the grateful ones, since they end up on the receiving line of American generosity just as our family members do, when they too will accept the love given at Christmas time. I grew up under the roof with one of the chronic complainers at Christmas time and I was determined to reverse the cycle by compensating for my loss by being generous instead.

We, who love the Season, are all driven by some time or memory of our own or by our spiritual beliefs of Christ’s birth to do a little extra for those we sometimes spend too much time forgetting during the rest of the year.  I know people who will leave their Christmas lights up year around as a reminder to themselves to treat others the same during the year, as they do during the Holiday Season. Some people keep their decorations up until their loved ones return home from military duty. Others work in soup Kitchens while others deliver packages to those who have not fared as well during the year. The joy on the children’s faces are thanks enough to those of us who share our good fortune with others during the Holiday Season.  Neighbors often bring baked goodies to the shut ins or sing Christmas carols each year,while others send or bring good will and cheer to those they have not seen or heard from, for years.

Even though I have been through many other Christmases, I am still touched by the magic that changes each of us, just for a while at least, when we remember why we celebrate the Holidays. Since no one knows for certain the real date of Christmas,some how, I do not feel like Christ minds too much when or how we celebrate the spirit of giving in His memory, since He instructed all of us to love each other and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Sadly, to often we need the Holidays to remember that which we should know all year; Just as much as we need to be reminded to be grateful for what we have, for our lives, and our loved ones.  If it takes commercial means to remind some that it isn’t the things that we buy but instead the spirit of giving out of love that we pass on to others in the form of a gift to cheer them, that matters,or it takes the same reminder to donate to worthy causes, is that really so bad?

As much as I love the Season I can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief knowing that most of my work of the Season has been completed and now I can stay inside for a while and enjoy the snow from our recent storm, light a fire if I feel like it, and listen to my favorite Christmas music. AHHhhhh!

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The Price We Pay

Too often I have heard throughout my lifetime, “It is not fair,” or “someone should do something about it,”or similar statements. We all know people who face the most tragic life’s lessons and still keep moving on without ever giving up, but too many of us refuse to accept or acknowledge the fact that there are others who suffer much worse hardships from our own.

There are those who believe,” that they need to do nothing to help others because they already get enough help” or “such and such is lucky” or “never had a problem in their lives.”  It has also been my experience that people who believe this are the first to react the most poorly when they chip a nail or break a heel off of their shoe or their car gets scratched or their tie begins to unravel.

The people who really learn the importance that we place on things is pretty shallow,are those who will be humbled in some way by life and learn from the experience when they do. It isn’t always fair and the suffering is often very real, but it is how we accept or deal with the tragedies of life, that is the real test of mankind.  We can always rebuild things and many times re-heal bodies but if we give up or curse others,the price we pay can and will lead to defeat. Even when we exhaust all possibilities there does come the day that we must accept our own limitations and embrace the factors that make us the person we are, the person we accept. Often times in life we are presented with  re-inventing a new way to live life to its best abilities without making comparisons in life.

I certainly am not suggesting that we do not grieve an important lost of a  home,job,or even health.  What I am saying is that the longer we dwell on the injustice of the same, the longer we ultimately pay a price much larger than what we ever should have had to pay.  When we look at others and say, “they are lucky,” too many times we are being unrealistic about the sacrifices they made in order to achieve their success or giving ourselves an excuse for the fact that we would rather quit, drink beer, or shop than make the sacrifices needed. When we recognize that no one escapes life without a few bruises and some heart ache we realize that the difference is in how they handle or recover from the lost, is what sometimes separates them from us.

The reality is, people who are willing to get back up and dust themselves off following failure or mistakes,which we all will face at some point or time in our lives, will succeed with each time they vow to come back better than ever.  It has to be there in action and without resentment or fear overcoming our determination to move on or to begin again. As long as we have people in our lives we all will either experience the just or unjust.

Anyone of us can be grateful when things are going our way, the difficult part is learning gratitude when we feel that our life is not, by seeking out what is good in our lives.  No one will ever experience a life where they do not have something or someone good in it, unless they flee from it or reject the idea or the person who does support them. Other times it is our own gift of determination and awareness that refuses to give up, that makes us get up and move on. It is when we waste time blaming others that we weaken our own chances to start over again. When we understand the lesson taught us we will reach gratitude in the process, even though our loss may seem insurmountable in the beginning.  Starting over can be the best thing we ever do, if we learn from our past. If we refuse to accept our own role in it, then too often we will fail. It is the price we pay that often becomes our best teacher in life and teaches us gratitude for the lessons learned.

Life often gets down to how we deal with the insignificant that too often gets blown out of proportion. Sometimes we do find people are in the right place at the right time but too often we refuse to accept that it is not a place that we would ever have traveled to or a job we would have wanted or were qualified for taking. People who base everything on the almighty dollar often fail to understand or appreciate the joy found around the table of a family who has food on the table or a person who is content with just having the people in their lives that they do.

Life for most of us is as rewarding as the lessons it teaches us and the price we pay for it. It is when we learn not to repeat the mistakes but to be grateful for the lessons learned that we become comfortable with what we accept as our own success. When we hear people complain that they just never got the breaks another person did, too many times it was under their own feet but they refused to take the next step or  make the right move that would have given them more.

People do determine their own goals early in life.  It does appear that some people make one mistake and pay for it all of their lives while others mess up all the time and end up a success.  We fail to see that each time the person messes up they often learn what will or wont work towards their own goals.  What made the difference is that they were not afraid to start all over again. We all have different ideas of what exactly success is;for some it is wealth but for many others it is being comfortable in their own body by giving more of themselves than what they took  in life.  A proud Father or Mother can find joy in the Children that become adults and in the way they repeat the lessons taught them.  Many will find a warm roof over their head a welcoming step that predicts the success of their lives.  As people we are not all looking for the same ideas or have the same beliefs, but whatever steps we take we have to be willing to learn from them.

What is happening with all the excuses and the blame being passed around in the Conservative movement as well as the Republican Party,following the election, is the same thing that makes them fail to understand their own mistakes.  Unless and until they accept the responsibility for their own failure to hear the majority of voters, they are bound to repeat their mistakes again and again. We can all take a lesson from their failure to take responsibility for accepting their own mistakes and their own out of touch sensibilities to the needs of the people.

My husband and I together began our lives in poverty with him being a student and my working towards paying his tuition right along with his working a part-time job.  What we had together, was an education and it is what opened the door that began our future towards retiring well.  We have been poor and we know how it feels to go without eating because there was no money nor anyone who we would accept help from, if it had been offered.  We had a great deal of pride and determination to achieve over what we had money in our pockets.

We have been lower middle class and upper middle class and will retire comfortably. It didn’t just happen without our going without along the way.  Even today I just buy enough clothes and shoes to cover me.  The biggest waste of money a couple will ever make is on clothing, despite this idea,” that we must dress for success.”  A few good pieces of clothing intermixed with other pieces is all that is really necessary, to “dress for success.” If we do make it to CEO or are CFO of  a large firm, where this makes a difference, the wardrobe will be compensatory in the wages, as well.

As my husband retires and we plan the next journey of our life I know personally that the places that we have lived and the things we have done will take their right of passage just as they indicate the sacrifices we were willing to make. The employers we had that rewarded hard work, parents who taught us how to live morally,and the schools we came from,all figure into the success that we worked for as well as the children we raised into adulthood, who will contribute to the success of their own lives.

We could never have accomplished what we did on our own, as it took finding an appreciative and grateful employer who was willing to reward our hard work.  It took me a lifetime of living with chronic physical pain, while accepting my own limitations but helping others with the problems in life they faced, and the two of us never giving up on our dream. It is about accepting the price we pay in life and not letting it get us down nor spending a moments notice on what someone else had.  As we drive away to explore the next journey in our lives and to once more view the great beauty of America and her people,I pray that we accept what lies around the corner just as we always have. Too many times we let bitterness replace the gratitude for the lessons we should have learned, for the price we paid in living. Be grateful everyone and have a great day!

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The Manipulative

I have chosen to write today on the manipulator as they are especially active during the Holiday Season. We all know the manipulative by different names and faces but at some time in our lives we will all know several.  They are often times the charming that are generous with both their praise and gifts, until they have us totally convinced they are the victims of others,before they begin their attempts to victimize us.

If we could all just remember that people who do not expect something from us will walk away since they have nothing to prove, nor will they waste our time or their’s convincing us, unless we seek them out and ask for the facts, then we would all be the wiser before we find ourselves trapped by the manipulator.

Some are very obvious to those of us who have been conned ourselves, and too often when we try to warn our loved ones who are being victimized by these people or the person,we are the ones who lose the affections of our loved ones instead.  They are so charming while they convince us that they are the benefactors or benefactress of the World, before we become sucked into their schemes and realize that those who tried to warn us,were our real friends.

Many times they enter our lives when we are the most vulnerable and reaching out to gain knowledge or comfort.  They will many times be so perfect in our minds that we cannot believe ourselves that anyone so kind and generous can be in our lives. They run the gamut from Religious schemers such as Rev. Jones, who convinced or forced 900 people to drink the Kool-Aid,to claims of being a charitable organization but unless we check them out first they can be very convincing in their efforts to deceive, or many times they are a member of our own family.  No one is a better manipulator than the family member who needs alcohol or drug money and they often times do not stop with the family members but move on to the neighbors and strangers who will fall for their stories of victimization, just as we do.

When the charm runs out of the manipulator,because they can only sustain it for so long,we will either be made to feel that we  owe them the rest of our lives or we will wise up and run because just as charming as they can be, they can also be as intimidating.  While we are convincing ourselves that we have welcomed the perfect people or person into our lives they are learning our weak or vulnerable points and they learn to use them to their advantage when the charm wears off.  They capitalize on the negative feelings of guilt or feelings of betrayal in us, and use it to their benefits.  We should never think it is just our imagination or we are being unfair to them, after they have been so good to us, because they trap us into believing just that so they can gain control over us.

As we gain more knowledge and comfort with ourselves we recognize them readily and  to often think they are rather harmless to those of us who are aware of people who play on others’ emotions.  While we ourselves are no contest to them they often times see us as a challenge to defeat and will deliberately,in some cases, prey on those who we befriend, is our child, or another loved one, just to prove that they can out smart us and defeat us when we do think of them as being harmless. It often serves in the best interests of all of us if we do not make it obvious to them that we do not believe them, but remain firm in what our ground rules are because then the more likely they will be to move onto their next victim.  If we try to warn the next candidate to be victimized by the manipulator before they become victimized, they will not believe us either, unless they themselves are already wary of the charmers  who manipulate.

They appear at family gatherings such as Thanksgiving,in the malls,in our group of friends,at the  work place, at our church gatherings and in some cases even lead us in prayer,they are anywhere that the vulnerable can be isolated from others. If we donate to them once they will continue flooding our mail boxes or e-mail with more requests to give until they wear us down or convince us they need our donations, often under false pretenses. Other times they reach out through our telephones or the internet, as it is the perfect cover for the deceitful who never wish to be found out once they scam us into believing we are the most beautiful person in the World or they promise us that we will inherit a fortune if we just pay the taxes on it.If we are being manipulated or conned ourselves, we must first accept that we are as much at fault for allowing it to happen, once we become aware of it,as are the people who manipulate us.

So I offer all of us this Thanksgiving this simple advice even though I know those who need to heed it most, will not hear it, “If it is too good to be true, it almost always is.” We all make the dreams in our own lives come true.  It takes a lot of doing without sometimes and the understanding of those who help us to realize our dream.  No person ever realizes a dream as a single unit. It always takes a lot of hard work and co-operation to achieve our dreams.  It doesn’t fall from the sky and land in our laps, we have to earn it, and anytime we find others trying to take from us on a song and a dance or a story of victimization, we should never question our own motives but always question their motives, first.

Good luck is only what others are waiting for because they were not willing to make the sacrifices for others who truly needed their help or to make their own dreams come true.  Sometimes it is being in the right place at the right time but if we are not willing to put out the efforts it takes to achieve then we will not gain from the placement either. Dreams can still come true when we recognize our own strengths and weaknesses and accept help from those who do help us, by rewarding those who help us, through just and fair wages.

I wish each and all of you all the joy of giving that Thanksgiving can bring to all of us if we give in the spirit of giving.  Once we become aware of the manipulator and we make ourselves dependent on the kindness or intimidation of the same, or allow those who do help ruin the spirit of giving, we must accept our role in the same. All the denial in the World cannot force us to fail to acknowledge that if we are being played by a manipulator there are others as well.

Sometimes people are placed in our lives to test the respect that we have for ourselves and humanity in general, and when we fail that test we will also fail the tests of showing respect to others, who truly do deserve our time and love.  We have a responsibility to not only ourselves but to those who care about us to understand the difference of those in our lives who do respect our spirit of giving as verses the manipulators who take without a conscious. Once we become aware of the fact that we are the ones being used, then we need to accept that we enable the manipulators of the world and we need to stop the time,attention,and money often given to the manipulators, for all the reasons that allow them to operate on the unsuspecting. If we cannot stop them for our sake or the sake of the manipulator themselves, then we need to be aware of those who we hurt by going into denial of the part we play in it.

Thanksgiving is a time of appreciation and when we fail to appreciate those who should matter to us, we lose everything else of value as well. I feel truly Blessed for having the husband I have had for 45 years,my terrific daughters and son-in-law, and the two Bestest grandsons that a grandmother could ever have. I appreciate the value they add to my life by just being the genuine people that they are and their own faith in their own achievements.

All we who truly love really want is for our loved ones to be happy and for us to be aware when they are not, by offering them the emotional support they need,if they need our help. Too many times I have made the assumption that they needed my help when their maturity was leap years ahead of my own, at the same age they are.  Age may be a teacher to those of us who are willing to learn, but we should not always assume that we know better because of it. May we all be Blessed this Thanksgiving while we remember those who are really victims with our generosity and prayers.  Have a safe trip and a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!

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Family Gathering For Thanksgiving

I am not writing this post for those of you who are suffering or have done without this Thanksgiving, because if you have been suffering for a while now, most of you are already grateful for the significant things in life, such as food on the table or life itself.  Others may be grateful for electricity being restored or for the Insurance adjuster showing up.  It has been a matter of fact for years now, that the more mankind suffers, the more likely we are to be grateful for the things that others take for granted.

I write this instead for those who are gathering for Thanksgiving and dreading the moment.  There are families who all have that one person, if not two or three, who feel it their yearly obligation.” to rain on our parades.”  We all know them, they will say things like,”Why can’t Mary find a man?”; “Will Johnny ever get a decent job?;”or “Whats wrong with you anyway that you can’t be more like your Saintly sister?; “You know what your brother said about you?”; “I don’t know how your husband or wife can stand you or just the opposite I don’t know how you can stand your husband or wife,”  or why are you so fat when your brothers and sisters aren’t?” Anything they can find to ridicule us about and then sit and laugh about it when they do insult us or hurt our feelings, like it is some kind of a fabulous joke. If they can’t show their own resentment in life, through turning us against the family, then they will turn the family against us.

When they are not making comparisons with one of us on the losing side of what they think is acceptable behavior in us, then they are putting their leg on a chair so no one can miss the fact that their arthritis is acting up in their knee or they belabor their suffering in  great detail.  There will be others who suggest that we can make a better broth or gravy if we just add such and such to it while others insist on carrying a conversation with us through the walls of a different room, while complaining that they cannot hear us, while we are trying to time the turkey coming out with the dinner rolls being finished.  Others will complain about it being too hot while others complain about it being two cold. These same people will be the last to even notice that we are caring for a sick child or suffering from the end results of the flu, while we try to put on a brave front so we do not spoil our own family’s Thanksgiving.

Speaking from someone who swore each year that I was not going to go through another Holiday where the person involved in ALL of the above behaviors could ruin it for my family, it took years before I found the courage to tell her that we would be spending the holiday without her.  Since there were 4 other children in 4 different States who could have paid her expenses and asked her for the Holidays but refused to, I had to learn to ignore the criticism and bear it, until it reached the point the only other one of her children who would take a turn ,decided to match the bullying techniques move by move, and then I washed my hands of it completely.

It is not easy to enjoy the Holidays with a mother only 4 blocks away and alone.  I was greatly criticized by those who refused to give me a break by taking our mother in my place, and by others who knew a different person from the one both myself and my family knew. There does come a day in all of our lives that we must reach our own decisions on our own priorities.  When we had honor rolls, graduations from not just highschool but college and grad school as well as engagements and marriage plans, there did come a time that as a grateful family, we did have the right to celebrate without the center of attention going to my mother who gains attention with continued hurtful or negative comments.

If you find that someone is ruining your Holidays, I do hope you take the time to understand their suffering and give them the attention that they crave,but I also want you to know when the negatives in your family is denying the other family members from giving thanks and celebrating the joys of the family, perhaps it is time to reverse your course or to ask,” what are the priorities of your loved ones?”

Respect walks a two-way street beginning with respecting our own needs as well as the needs of those who depend on us.  For those who can deal with both, despite the abusive grumbling of spouses,mothers and bitchy fathers,jealous siblings,ungrateful children,complaining Aunts and Uncles or Grandparents, I congratulate you on your strength and forbearance.  I hung in for 35 years out of my own sense of duty to my mother, but with growing health problems, myself, it was time to eliminate the negativity in order to enjoy the positive in our lives.

I know other people who deliberately make a habit of working the Holidays,or  leaving for better weather, Vegas or the Beach, in order to avoid having to confront the issues of family.  Others will go ahead and put up with it and then make their friends lives miserable for a month in both the dreading of it before the Holidays and the hurt of it when they leave.  The Holidays can be stressful, because as much as many of us look forward to them there are many others who go into a depression that spreads through the family because they are hanging onto a time in their child hood or life when they felt deprived.

Others will lose loved ones on the Holiday and we do understand that they grieve, as a result of it.  What I am describing here are those who feel that even though they got cheated in life, they are the experts over the entire family, and will not rest until they feel they get the upper hand even though they contribute nothing other than the complaints that brings all of the rest of us down.

We all hear how elderly parents are left to spend the Holidays alone by ungrateful children but never do we hear that parents are left to spend Holidays alone because they themselves have established a record of being ungrateful for those of us who do make the effort to include them until they themselves wear out their welcome.

Many times these same people will become the favorites of strangers or the nursing staff and then treat their own children like they are beneath them because they refused to believe as they were told to believe,accept the faith of their parents,loved someone their parents forbade them to love, or did not become the person the parent thought they should become.  The parent was continually ashamed or embarrassed by their own children’s appearance or the way they dressed. At the same token some parents had reason for concern, when the adult child’s behavior was out of control or they were too willing to accept abuse,themselves.  There are any number of ways beside ungrateful children, as to why family members do end up alone on Holidays.

I welcome the idea that mankind is one family and when our own blood family drives us away with their own behavior that they do find a friend or care giver that befriends them when we ourselves cannot.  I think I speak for many this Holiday Season when I say that we are very grateful that our loved one’s have you in their lives.  We do love them, despite the fact that when we try to love them, they themselves drive us away with their words and behavior against us.

Those of you who think  I am talking about simple cantankerous relatives who are suffering, and it is the same that you welcome into your lives, all I can say for the rest of us is,”NO They Are Not! Not all of us are as fortunate as to have family members who are any different at 70 than they were at 30 or at 3, and there in lies the difference. We grow old as we grew young while some wounds are never allowed to scar or heal by those who spend a lifetime taking out their hurt on those of us who are the closest to them, while they refuse to get the help we offer them. Many times you instead can be the catharsis to them that we cannot be, and as a result we remain grateful to you, a total stranger.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be grateful for all of those who we too often take for granted and love each other. The less said the better Thanksgiving will be for all of us, if the only thing that crosses our minds has criticism attached to it, just because we may think it is constructive criticism, it has no place at the dinner table, now or ever.  Perhaps constructive criticism does exist on a job where an employee struggles to learn the same, but criticism in a family is criticism.

If we can not treat family members with the human dignity of respect how can we teach our own children or grandchildren to give respect and to demand the same respect, in their own lives? If discussing our differences becomes as lop-sided as the lack of respect shown, then we need to make decisions in the best interests of those who do care about us and who depend on us. We cannot expect others to defend us if we refuse to defend our own right to be treated with human dignity. As adults if we cannot discuss our differences without demeaning ourselves or others, then it is time to consider another recourse.  If we do not like receiving criticism ourself, then we must learn to be adults and not give it, as what goes around will come around. If you are traveling have a safe trip and God Bless us all!

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