Steubenville Exposes Ugly Truth About Rape

We currently are hearing so many feigned voices of shock and surprise about the rape in Steubenville,Ohio, after having had an election while one Republican candidate for the Senate spoke of legitimate rape after having co-sponsored the same bill with the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Paul Ryan in Congress, to define legitimate rape as opposed to regular rape. Another Virginia Republican candidate called rape and the children born out of the same,” The intent of God.”

If women raped men we could all bet that women would be accused of being Jezebels and inspired by Satan if the reverse happened.  We could also guarantee ourselves it would be discussed as the most evil of acts and no woman would be left severely unpunished, regardless of how the rape occurred.

Men have gotten off with the excuse of going into a blind rage in an act of murder and instead charged with manslaughter when they kill another where women are often charged with murder 1 since the judicial system does not equate fear in women with the level of rage in men.  It totally discounts the idea that women can to act out of rage after years of abuse. Where women need a well documented history of rape or abuse, men need to establish little to no history either supportive or contrary to their own word in order to get a lesser sentence of manslaughter or for lawyers to refuse prosecution for rape charges.

When women are prosecuted for twice the amount of time that men are when death occurs in a domestic dispute, but treated more justly in other charges, we do not need to even guess how much harsher Society would be on a woman rapist than they are on men. Why so much shock and surprise over a statement that has been promoted for generations by the “Good Old Boys”,caused such a stir in the elections this year is beyond me.

Let me take this time to clarify the fact that rape amongst athletes has been taking place for generations just as the mentality has existed for Centuries, “That good girls cannot get pregnant from rape”, has existed as well. for the Republican Party or Press to deny the same is what is at the root of the ignorance in America.  To feign ignorance over rape amongst athletes or the idea that a child born from rape is a “Blessing from God,” are new ideas should leave us all sickened with those who continually dismiss the truth.  These ideas have existed since the beginning of time.

In the minds of the “Good Old Boy System”, and unfortunately some women as well, a legitimate rape is one that involves Street mugging or when a rapist breaks into the home of a woman and rapes her.  Any rapes that happen when a woman is in the company of men or marriage or in the man’s Apartment, barracks, frat house or territory, provocatively dressed or drinking, and the woman is raped it is no big deal to this mentality.  To many of both genders feel when this happens a woman is just asking for sex and rape does not happen under these circumstances.This attitude has always existed over the years, and continues being the attitude of to many.

Etiquette stated years ago, and perhaps still does,”One should never speak of politics,sex, or religion while in mixed company.”  Although I believe we have developed too casual of an attitude towards good manners, I do believe that not talking about politics,sex, or religion has left too many of us brain-dead on the issues that should matter and be discussed by all of us.  When we say the subject bores us then we are the ones who lose.  This post discusses all three subjects.

Allow me to tell you,the not so uncommon stories of its’ day in regards to women and rape.   I change the names and do not name the locations but I will not tell anything but the facts in the telling of these three stories. The names or locations are not important as these stories took place across our Nation in Jane and John Does and in anywhere U.S.A. during the era in which I write, along with years in advance of the same.

One generation does not often tell these kinds of stories from previous generations because it has to often been bred into the older generations to keep secrets in the past, or perhaps with time memory does get lost, behind both denial and disease.I begin from the truth of my own memory, that is still well-preserved. I Thank You for that Dear Lord, as I also inherited the mouth to tell the truth! Way back when there were the Landers Sisters writing and publishing the Nations problems, I was nicknamed Ann Landers since both men and women felt comfortable in telling me things that they would not even tell their husbands or wives.

1. It was the Spring of 1959 and an eighth grade girl ,who was rumored to  have been molested by a family member, was dating a young man,and together they had sex,previously,to the young girl attending a keg party with highschool athletes.  She was severely gang raped that night, as a result of drinking at the party.  No local lawyer, would take her case. The young victim had a wealthy aunt who lived 75 miles distance from the town, who could afford to pay for a lawyer, so they were able to hire an out-of-town lawyer.

When the case came before the judge, the victim’s boyfriend had been rounded up and forced to acknowledge that he had sexual relations with the girl who was the victim in this story.  The Judge threw the gang rape case out of Court and his finding stated,”No young man much less young boys could be held responsible for rape when the young girl in question, had previously de-flowered herself and was drinking alcohol under age.”Nothing was said about the young boys drinking illegally,of course.

2. In the Winter of 1964 a Catholic Priest, who the Church knew had a History of molesting young women, was given dispensation from duty as a Parish Priest and instead sent on the rounds of filling in as a speaker while conducting retreats in Convents and All Girls Catholic boarding Schools.  The same happened during this time with Priests celebrating retreats in all Boys Schools, when they had a history of molesting young boys.  The Catholic Church has come clean about their history but so many other Private Schools and Colleges are still denying that this still continues in their schools.  The Penn State Coach is NOT an uncommon story but just one of many.

3.  Going back to my farthest memory, any Sports player or Coach who brought fame to their sports program whether it was highschool, college, or the pros, were entitled to take anything they wanted to take, regardless of the size of the Town, City, or Religious affiliation. If the athlete is part of the team but not a star player then they will be used as the fall guy for the stars to remain clean. Unless it was burglary, where a Store refused to drop charges but in most cases even they could be bought off, if the athlete was a star and changed his ways.  Most Teams, while traveling elsewhere to play outside of their own town or City will have a team of scouts scouting out the local scene for a Party for them to return to.  These Parties since the 1960′s have both girls of questionable morality as well as virgins rounded up to attend.

Highschool girls have always been amongst the attendees of both sports and fraternity parties. It may be cool to a 16-year-old virgin, or not, to think they look older than they do and to go ahead and drink but when these girls do, it excuses the boys from showing the girls, respect. To many believe that when a girl says “NO” they are only teasing and instead they really want sex.  Boys have been told for generations that some girls need more convincing and when they say “No”, they really mean yes. Dress and drinking in women has always been grounds for rape, if they get drunk or even if drugs have been placed in their drinks, at these parties. I certainly do not accept that this mentality has ever been right but pretending we have not only tolerated it but promoted it for generations, makes it even more deplorable now when we deny the same.

A woman or young girl who is unconscious from drugs or alcohol has never been hands off in the minds of some boys and men and to pretend that this behavior does not happen or has not happened in the past is just another lie of the “Good Old Boy System.” I do not deny that there are some girls whose morality can make some mens’ behavior, pristine, but until we accept that prostitutes are raped, then we deny reality.

We fail women and our sisters alike, when we hold all women responsible for the behavior of a few.  All women have always been held responsible for those few women; where as all men and their behavior has been excused because of the behavior of the few women, who would set up men and yell “rape.” Rape is as unpleasant for most women to have to divulge the details and to relive the rape in a Court of law, regardless of their background, as it is for a man to get his penis removed, and yet we have always blamed victims of rape, for causing rape. Women, not men, are raped again by our judicial system.

Regardless, if it is a house party or a frat house across America the boys and men of the crowd are egged on to feel that rape is justified because “Good Girls” would not be there drinking if they didn’t want sex, has always been the mentality of the “Good Old Boy System”This mentality has existed in the “bad boys” as well as the Sports teams going back at least to the 1950′s when I first heard the stories told to me by the girls who had been raped.  Going to a man’s house or apt. under the guise of having a cup of coffee or to listen to his music, has existed for just as long, as a reason for rape.  It doesn’t have to be alcohol and to pretend that it does is only promoting the same lies. I’m sure those older than myself will tell my readers the same statement of fact, if they care to be honest with their grandchildren.

For a bunch of right-wing Republican men and the media that backs them,to feign ignorance or to act flabbergasted at the same while they continue to deny women,that this has been and remains the mentality amongst the “Good Old Boy System,” for centuries, sickened me in the Republican elections this year.  The fact that the media is now pointing a finger at Steubenville,Ohio, as being small town and unique in their cover up of the most recent rape being broadcasted, leaves me equally sick.

No one who has ever served as a cheerleader or been part of the popular or un-popular group could not possibly have attended highschool and had a successful Sports team, without knowing that this behavior took and takes place whether they were or are girls or boys.  The mentality that allows whole communities to protect rape and the behavior and mentality that broadcasts,” That these women deserve to be raped”,comes from a background in which we began early, hearing these stories as always being the fault of women. Too many women who serve on Juries are even worse than male juries when it comes to pointing a finger at the rape victims. To many times the lives of all boys, girls, and women who are raped, are destroyed by the men and women who protect these lies.

To deny that as a fact, has to make all of us ask,”Just how far has America slipped into denial?’  Will we deny that 67 Republican Tea Party members attempted to hold up funding for the Hurricane Sandy victims while FEMA was saying they were going broke and could not pay back the families who had paid into their flood Insurance?

Will we remain in denial of the fact that 183 Republican Congressmen and Senators could have cared less if it cost the middle class 100s of thousands of jobs, if we had gone over the fiscal cliff?  Did we elect them because their ideology is more important to us, than are our children and elderly, who will go hungry or without effective medical care? Will we all do better living on the Republican and the N.R.A. ideology that makes us feel unsafe without a gun in our homes even though a third of all deaths of children result as our having a gun in our homes. Will their ideology make us a better Democracy if we cannot provide for our families?

Does the N.R.A. lobbying the Republican Congress, who followed through on their bidding, to disallow funding to the Disease Control Center, make us feel even safer against Disease? If this sounds like a stupid analogy to those of you who protect the Republican Congress, rape, and guns, then just think of what you, yourselves, must sound like to the rest of the World!

Will we keep denying the fact that 50 some economists outside of Washington are saying that the only thing that is stagnating the American Economy is the 67 Tea Party members voting against the needs of the people along with the far right in Congress, who clearly want to see government go broke before they serve the needs of our elderly? Even Wall Street has joined the side of the Democrats on the damage being done to Business growth and jobs by the uncertainty of the Republican Congress. How much more can we deny until denial renders us all brainless when it comes to human decency and common sense?

I ask you,”Are we now going to pass the blame on to a bunch of kids in Steubenville,Ohio, for doing what men have always done or are we going to finally acknowledge the injustice of it, ALL! The guilty in Steubenville needs to be prosecuted along with others in our Nation.  I certainly do not mean to make allowances for the people responsible for such an ugly crime in Steubenville, Ohio, but it is our Nation’s problem. We all must take responsibility for denying these problems have always existed and still do exist.

We begin by eliminating the mindset that allows us to remain in denial, to the point that those amongst us simply accept it as “Just being the way it has always been,” before another election brings in more of the same mentality that cripples us as a Democracy. To accept it as being the way it is, has always been a second crime of humanity, against both our children and women. Those who tell us they want to go back to the 1950′s morality are lying to all of us about the truth that existed then just as it does today.

I warn all parents to think twice when they think popular,”is all that,” because a cheerleader and a popular girl are twice as likely to be raped than is a less popular girl. These girls also peak early just as the ball players do, and their best memories are as children or in highschool.  They learn ,too often, to settle for less and have a far greater chance of becoming pregnant as teenagers.  The “nerds”, on the other hand, have far greater statistics when it comes to those who go on to challenging careers following a College education and happy and contented lives.  If we parents cannot consider long-term results as a priority in our lives, then how can we expect those younger than ourselves to have common sense?

When we set up our own children to continue under the system that many of us tried to stop, we punish our children for the sins of the parents.” When we lack common decency,our children lack the same.  When we make everything about ourselves then our children do as well. When we as adults deny truth of fact and our children are raised on the same, we create the monster that often leads to more half-truths and false accusations against the victims of our Society.

Ultimately the same mentality leads to an increase failure in families and a bigger concern of increased crime in children at a much younger age. We cannot deny that the viciousness of our youth crimes are not increasing with the mentality that blames the victims over the perpetrators. As a Society brain washed in gun ownership our children have emerged as the losers. We need to hold both parents responsible for the failure of the child while we increase our endeavors to spot and treat both mental illness and drug addiction as the diseases that they are.  We need to give trained professionals who recognize the need for early intervention and parents the ability to get the help these children need through our Court Systems.

Those who claim family values would not need to talk about family values, if they had any.  Conversation along the lines of family values or the worsening of morality ultimately gives our Churches a bad name for failing at their jobs. The Conservative right is doing a bang up job of destroying Religion along with the Republican Tea Party, when they are not doing it to themselves. When questionable and charismatic Religion preaches the “Prosperity Gospels” while bleeding money from the poor and middle class and then blame the poor and middle class for their own poverty due to a lack of Faith, it is time we all voice our outrage. It takes the voice of the people to stand up to the injustices taking place and have taken place under our noses for generations. It begins with placing the emphasis on the right priorities without attacking the victims.

It never solves anything to talk when we need to be acting to stop the mentality in all of the new generations while charging those,” who do not get it”,in a Court of Law.  The mentality of,”Boys will be Boys,” has always laid at the root of the corruption in morality, since the beginning of mankind. If we want to make a difference, then we must begin today in telling the younger generations, who are our future, the ugly truth of yesterday.

To tell our grandchildren that children and women experienced a kinder gentler time in History, is and always has been a lie. Any adult who refuses to accept reality, needs to also accept that they are jeopardizing the future of their children and grandchildren, when they choose denial of the facts, over the truth. When we know better then we need to do better as a Society and as a Nation of laws.

To blame Steubenville alone is ludicrous, because if we leave them carrying the bag for what has been wrong for generations,around the World, we leave all of our children unprotected against rape,guns, and our own stupidity.  For the sake of our children, we must begin with changing the mentality, that we have allowed to go on.  We can no longer deny our own behavior and motives when technology shows us the truth and refuses to tolerate lies.

Read Full Post »

Why Do We Lead The World In Suicide?

Today I will offer my own opinion along with established fact that leads me personally to believe what the problem is behind the increase in murder/suicide in America.

We are second in the World in front of other advanced Nations after Montenegro in  percentage of suicides, where such records are kept.  When we think of ourselves as the Nation that people from other Countries want to immigrate to, we have to ask ourselves as to why our suicides are so high?

We  again begin with the N.R.A. interference into gun registration and add to that Americans’ love of the gun and its accessibility to people in America.  When the NRA not only fights against gun laws but also fights against people having to show proof of the lack of mental illness or treatment for depression when buying a gun, then guns end up in the hands of too many people who should never own guns.  They spend millions in litigation to fight privacy laws in favor of gun ownership. With the sponsorship of gun shows by the NRA across the Nation that require no waiting period what-so-ever and the illegal guns of street sales, America is flooded with guns.

Living in the land of guns and honey brings along with it the stress that often goes along with keeping up with the Jones. People do not miss that which they cannot hold,own, or goes unseen in their lives. American workers work longer hours in more extended days straight than any other Nation in the World.  We have fewer and less holiday and vacation days of any other Civilized Nation. We out work all other Nations in the World. Todays’s workers work longer hours than any generation has before them.

A person who struggles to feed their family or to provide basics are not nearly as likely to feel that they are missing out as those who are accustomed to getting what they want over what they need.  If we have paid attention to school shootings at all, we must have noticed that the majority of these children are white males who come from upper middle class or wealthy homes when murder/suicide does occur. It is much easier never to have had it than it is to have had it and to lose.   Americans many times marry their jobs since they spend many more hours on the job than they do at home, and when they find their jobs pulled out from underneath them it can and does trigger murder/suicide in the work place.

We are a Capitalist Society that invests in trade over the needs of the people. We are the only civilized Nation in the World that does not pay the entire healthcare costs of 100% of its people but yet we remain the richest Nation in the World. We  subsidize commerce to a far greater degree than do all other Nations just as our costs of the greatest military in the World cost 10 times more that what the rest of the World combined pays to maintain a defense system.

We live under stress every day of the week and often with wants that we either can’t provide for or feel we need. Many of us have not learned to make sacrifices now in order to enjoy life later. The exposure to goods in America,technology,clothing stores, and all other retail stores leave us wanting or feeling we are being denied.

With the breaking of the backs of our Unions across America by men like Sam Adelson who has vowed millions to eliminate them and the Tea Party Governors along with Republican legislatures  supporting the right to work laws without the same coming up for vote in our States, the middle class are dropping $5500.00 per year. Despite the facts, 47% of the American people who are primarily middle class voted to guard the gate of the 1% by voting Republican in our past elections. Stress in America is the number one killer because of the message driven home by too many for the need to own more, at the expense of the middle class.

When we started closing down mental Institutions because of the absolute abuse that was triggered by the lack of laws protecting our citizens, we went the other way and left our loved ones defenseless when it came to getting help for mental illness.

Previously to closing down the mental Institutions across America and the passage of the Equal rights amendment husbands could declare their wives unfit to raise the children and have her committed without even a record of instability. The husbands word alone was enough and many times he could get a Dr. to agree to the same without even seeing the woman. People who suffered from vision or hearing loss or were slow learners were committed into Institutions.  When the laws were lax towards those who could commit others, so much abuse reigned across America that it led to shutting them all down.

We are now in a cycle where those who are desperate for need of treatment for mental illness cannot get the help they need.  It is too easy to prescribe drugs without any follow-up or counseling.  Some general practitioners along with chiropractors, will prescribe both narcotics and antidepressants that lead to both aggression as well as further anxiety and depression.  In America if a person knows the right people or wants to find someone who will prescribe or supply drugs or guns all things are possible.  It only takes money to get whatever an American citizen wants both legally and illegally.

Even with good counseling and a drug plan that works parents cannot force adult children to remain on their treatment program.  The very symptom of some of the most grievous of diseases that lead to bouts of severe depression is that the patient will be made to feel better and believe that they can quit treatment which only aggravates the disease and makes it worse.

Drugs are readily available in America to both Street people and those who start out life as high achievers.  We are a Country that has a high tolerance for both guns and drugs while our Conservative politicians appear to be against the same with public messages over the years. They in reality will never face off against the lobbyists or the NRA who put millions into their pockets for re-election. Illicit drugs in America makes up 33% of our Gross National Product. Many killings in America are as a result of the flow of illegal drugs and the need to protect the distribution of the same.

We have 17 Republican controlled States that have passed the “Stand Your Ground Laws” with 6 more States discussing arming teachers. Too many amongst us have no concept of the danger of guns because it has been romanticized as part of our culture and of the old Wild West. When these same States are talking about arming teachers they are ignoring that any gun on school property is susceptible to causing collateral damage even in the hands of trained policemen.  They also are denying that even guns that are safe guarded in schools can be easily over taken by the gangs of bullies who often hang out in our school systems and intimidate teachers. When sliding steel pocket doors that close instantaneously and are impenetrable to those who threaten entry  from the outside are being used in facilities across the World the mentality of the American mind instead goes to more guns to protect against guns.

When people who suffer from mental illness are not confined for their own good or their own needs because Insurance Companies refuse to pay and  Obama care is ridiculed and fought against in sectors in fits of rage, then we leave ourselves and our loved ones vulnerable to the stresses and ills along with fits of depression that can and do lead to suicide. Instead of treating our mentally ill and  drug addicts we imprison them.

Any Nation of wealth encompasses people who make comparisons because too many times the politicians themselves will belittle or blame the have-nots while promoting those who have. The Republican Party appeared to accelerate that belief this past election with attacks against the poor in their own leadership and the need to adopt the Ryan Plan in order to deny the needs or in most cases the rights of the people. When those who are feeling rejected from loss of jobs and incomes, or are being bullied by others, are made to find their own uniqueness a fault rather than a plus, we leave open the potential to not only suicide but we harbor those who would take down our children with them.

We are a Society who puts too much importance and stress on the things we own, on beauty,skin color,appearance,money, and popularity. We encourage sameness or like beliefs, over encouraging individual expression.  We too often fail to encourage value in the uniqueness of each individual to express that uniqueness but instead demand that we all share the same belief system. Those who fail to fit into a cli’que of like mentality are often shunned,ridiculed, and bullied.  We support violence in the games we play and the movies we watch.  The movie industry knows and understands that movies without sex or violence will too often fail at attendance and revenues.

Our educational system is not supported by the Conservative causes and ranks low in comparison to other civilized Nations as a result of it. Bright children are too often criticized for their superior intelligence and not supported by a system that inspires them up to their abilities to succeed, due to limited funds granted to the School districts in our States.To many amongst us push our children in all categories that will gain them popularity over education and in doing so, to often it leads to mediocrity while insisting they excel in sports.  When highschool coaches feel that winning is the only thing that will save their jobs they offer steroids and muscle enhancers to their young players and it starts a panacea of corruption in our sports’ programs. The stress to always have more and to do better leads us in advancement in many fields in the world,  but it also breeds the ravages of failure, in those who feel as though they cannot achieve or have been left behind.

We self medicate on drugs and alcohol to cover up feelings of inadequacy or pain, because we place a astigmatism against mental illness. We do not tolerate those who expose our own weaknesses. The people who cause such carnage as was done in NewTown Connecticut, are usually those who are coming down off of a bad drug trip, are feeling neglected, powerless,weak,or worthless. Behind a gun they feel omnipotent and powerful and ready to show others who they often feel have either ignored them or made them to feel less of the person than they are.

We as a Society ignore and deny the power of the gun in the hands of those who would not otherwise kill, because of the control of the N.R.A. in our Nation or the fear tactics used against us to protect ourselves. They are not the only ones who use fear tactics as home alarm companies call and exaggerate home invasions in areas where none exist along with those who promote gun sales and under ground bunkers. The home alarm companies calls are being made in homes illegally as I have received the same  even though I am on the government “Do not call list.” They get around the law by claiming to offer a free prize. People rush gun stores and buy military weapons that have no business in any of our homes each time they think they will be denied their guns by law.

Those who act out in total disregard of human life do so because they lack empathy for anyone but themselves or they feel disrespected. In neighborhoods where drugs are sold on street corners,others die over drug sales. Others feel that they have been so ridiculed that they can only seek justice behind a gun. They may suffer from irrational beliefs  but they know full well that they will leave behind pain and destruction. Many times they feel that they will be a person whose name will go down in history as having made a difference, while knowing full well the misery they cause.  We as a Nation have romanticized people like Jesse James,Billy the Kid, Bonney and Clyde, Annie Oakley and other outlaws of the old West as heroes over generations, and in doing so we have romanticized the use of the gun to settle disputes.

Those who cause a silent suicide or one that does not draw attention to the outside World often do so because they are suffering, or cannot face the future, or feel that they are a burden on their loved ones.  Others are fearful of the future because they become so steeped in Religious conviction of Armageddon, or that God wants them or their children saved  from a sinful World, or suffer severe mental illness to the point they hear voices from the devil to kill. Other suicide/murders are committed over child custody or domestic disputes when they have access to a gun. Often times those who are afraid that they are lacking because Societal norms do not accept them for the person they are, will feel that life is not worth living or are driven by the need to gain revenge and do not consider the pain they leave behind because the act of murder/suicide itself, is most often an act of “Me Only.”

People who are sensitive to those who criticize, and often times are made to feel they are inadequate or weak are made to feel powerful behind the gun. It is just as likely to be a meek personality as it is an aggressive personality that uses a gun to kill.  America has 18,000 suicides a year where other Civilized Nations, who keep records of suicide, do not reach higher than into the 200′s. In total of murders and suicides we have 32,000 people lost each year. All other advanced Nations who have a much lower suicide and murder rate offer free mental health services that give parents more control over the treatment of mental health and much stricter gun laws.  It does not take a rocket Scientist to understand why America excels in the numbers of suicides and murders over all other advanced Nations in the World

Along with the greatest Democracies in the World comes the freedom to misuse that freedom through both abuse of others and self-inflicted wounds. With freedom comes the need to protect its citizens through just laws.  Americans should have a much greater right to live over the right to own guns.  We need to do a better job in understanding that our people as well as our children should never have to feel that they are less than the need or greed of Capitalism in a free Society. If we keep electing a Republican majority in Congress and in our States, who refuses to act in the best interests of our people, then don’t we have some responsibility to bear for the same? We are coming out lacking as a Nation because of our own lack of demand and insistence on the fact that our politicians can do better.

It brings some comfort to me to see that at long last we have hope at least that those responsible will do something but the proof still remains in the pudding. I long for the days when we can again promote the many qualities of all of the American people who are supported by all of our elected politicians, instead of a few.  America is still the best Country in the World but we need to be honest about our faults in order to make much-needed changes. May all of our politicians be strong enough to stand up against the lobbyists and brave enough to bring forth all the good qualities that are representative of America.  Wishing all of us hope this Holiday Season!

Read Full Post »

Grief And Grieving

According to the process of teaching, “All truth passes through three stages, First it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed.Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”–Arthur Schopenhauer

Many of us feel a genuine sorrow each time that we hear of the deaths of children or mistreatment of pets, even when we have not known or spent time with them.  Not all people do, nor do they need to feel guilt if they don’t.  Not all people bond with children or pets and cultural differences in the way we accept death, also plays a role in why some people will grieve profoundly while others feel a compassion and act differently from those who grieve the lost of strangers. This was very prevalent in the attacks of 9/11, as well. Some people also remain more resilient while they prefer to spring into action first.

The NewTown tragedy, is one of many killings of our children by those who use guns but it leaves a profound lost on all of us as a Nation, because there are so many 6 and 7 year olds who have lost their lives.  Even those who do not have any particular fondness for children, can remember those hopeful years of their own lives, and feel that this tragedy leaves them with a genuine sense of regret for the lives lost.

We generally accept the Kubler-Ross model of grieving even though it has its share of critics as well.  The study was based on people who were terminally ill and how they coped with the lost of their health and the acceptance of death and they later applied the same emotions to all lost of that which we are bonded to.  I repeat the 5 steps here;

1.  Denial—”I feel fine”

2.  Anger—-”Why me?  It’s not fair.”

3.  Bargaining–”I’ll do anything for a few more years or one more moment”.

4. Depression—”I’m so sad, why bother with anything”.

5.  Acceptance–”Its going to be o.k.”

Others have added two other emotions and they are shock which most commonly accompanies denial and leaves us feeling numb and guilt.   Guilt is common with care givers who feel they should have been able to do more or with survivors who are involved in the same act of violence or car accident or in death of any kind. It is also common is spouses and siblings,especially when a twin is lost through death or separation.  It directly affects those who fight together in wars, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

Emotions can also be very varied without fitting a pattern of any kind.  They can run from solemn to trepidation to anxiety or to rage and disgust.  Many times feelings of jealousy or envy or even hate can follow when we see other children graduate with their classes or marry or we see other spouses with their mates, even after we feel that our sadness has dissipated. It is important that those who are experiencing many ranges of emotions are not alone but instead with friends and family members until the pain or shock that often triggers these erratic or difficult to deal with emotions calm down. When we are more clear of our own emotions then we can reflect on our own if we have the capacity to do so and know our own strengths and weaknesses. Any shooting of any nature often leads to temporary trauma in all of us.

In years past, the Medical Association did  not talk about post traumatic stress disorder in other situations outside of war.  As modern techniques expose more about the human brain, it is now more generally accepted that PTSD can and does exist on many levels of trauma and often times does accompany shock when death is totally unexpected.

The important thing with grieving is that we all know that there is not a clear-cut pattern for those who grieve.  Many emotions can be involved just as the more resilient or people with a history or exposure to death will feel fewer emotions.  Some may spend days crying while others who have been exposed to death can move on with few tears and gain acceptance earlier.  It is when grieving goes on for months into years with a total sense of helplessness that we should be certain to get professional help without any sense or feeling like we are weak or a failure.

We all have different ways of coping throughout life and a different time-frame in which we grieve.  Some find genuine laughter over memories of loved ones their healing tool.  Others will memorialize their loved one while still others who are use to solving their own problems in life will remain isolated amongst family members and choose to grieve alone.  Some will feel a responsibility and duty to do something first, and then grieve later when things become more quiet. Others will turn to Religion and the hope offered through its teachings while others will commit their lives to doing for others in an effort to feel good about themselves and to help lift the veil of sadness. Some delay going back to work and grieve immediately and find it only takes a few months to reach acceptance.  Others lose themselves in work and delay their grieving, because they feel a need to analyze the reasons why, first. When they finally accept the fact that there are no answers to the why they move on to the acceptance of death.

The main thing is that we acknowledge that not all things are great and that we do understand a necessity to grieve with the understanding that it should not be a lifetime condition that brings debilitating sadness. Some people will feel better talking about the death while others will want to choose who they discuss it with, if they wish to discuss it at all.  Many times those who grieve will blame the innocent bystander or take out their bad feelings on the closest people to them.

Grieving takes a high level of understanding sometimes. We cannot excuse poor behavior as being normal,and need  to understand that we may need to learn three simple words such as:”I am sorry.” Some people become over protective or obsessive out of fear of another loss during the period of grieving.  They will sometimes use poor behavior in order to deliberately drive away others who they love because they cannot bear the lost of another person in their lives. People who have a previous history of relieving bad feelings in themselves,on those closest to them, many times should ask for help during this time, while those who are close by understand this is not a time to judge, harshly.

Too many times we get stuck in one step of grieving and rather than feel the pain or get grief counseling will turn to alcohol or drugs and only compound our own grieving.  Grieving needs to take place, as the longer we delay it, the more problems will arise in the family as a result of our doing so. It is not uncommon for parents to delay their own grieving while making sure their children are o.k. first.  It is important that we understand that if we are not well then our children will not be  either.  Alcohol and drugs in moderation may help with sleep in the earlier days but should never replace or be used to deny the feelings of pain that we need to heal from, through grieving our loss.

We can grieve while also feeling genuine appreciation for having had our loved ones in our lives, and many recover as a result of the same. Some want to leave pictures up as a reminder of their loved ones, while others want to remove all reminders of them.  Some will continue to celebrate birthdays while others will feel a need to mourn. People are all different in their expressions of sorrow and we need to respect the same, but also remain cognizant of those who need professional help in order to cope. It is o.k to find moments of laughter and to look back after a few months or a couple of years and to acknowledge that we were not always rational during our grieving process.  Very many aren’t.

It is important that we understand that various levels of grieving in a marriage often leads to disputes that can lead to divorce if one of the members in the marriage are ready to move on and remember the good moments shared by the deceased while the other mate is still asking,”Why Me?” Grieving too many times will lead to intolerance in couples while it will bring others closer together since no one else can entirely understand their shared lost as clearly as they can.

We can often times treat those closest to us, during the grieving time pretty poorly, if we do not move ahead with the grieving process.  Children as young as 18 months can feel the loss of the bond of a sibling or parent and grieve. Children who lose their best friends can withdraw and be afraid of initiating new friends because to do so feels like betrayal to them. They can not always voice their feelings, or understand them, themselves. Children grieve differently from adults in that they often times do not cry but instead will act out.

Children may have episodes of unexplained rage or with draw into themselves.  When adults grieve it is especially important that when a child loses a sibling or a friend at an early age, that we understand that the children are losing the person in their lives that has always been part of their lives that they have confided in and made plans with for a future as well.  The most neglected lost of loved ones often does lie in the lack of understanding for the death of a friend or sibling, when they lose their friend or sibling too early.

The lost of a sibling is difficult for adults to deal with, but too few amongst us, understands the difficulty as the sympathy and understanding goes more often to  the parents,spouses, or their children. Siblings are often called on to be strong and to act as spokes people instead. The loss of a twin can compare to the lost of a spouse as many ideas,hopes,jokes,love,hate,upsets,plans for the future, and people in their lives are shared from birth and through out their lives. The identity or feeling of losing half of ourselves, when we lose a twin, is most like that of losing a spouse.  No relationship is more involved or longer lasting than that of  a twin relationship when their relationship begins in the womb they share.

What we as parents need to do is to make certain that our sadness does not spread over to our children or lose patience with our children if they are not shedding tears but are acting out. It helps  instead to discuss with them what they are feeling to make them behave the way they are.  Children should not hear everything about the shootings but sadly many will hear it from other sources and we need to be aware of the fact that details often become exaggerated and lead to nightmares in our children. When questioning them we need to be careful not to offer details but instead to find out what they know or are feeling and answer them honestly.

Just as some adults will cry for days while others don’t, the same is true with children. Children,depending on age, do not clearly understand the permanence of death.  They just know that their parent,friend, or sibling is not with them now and do not understand the long-term of death but feel a real unexplained sadness in themselves. Some will need our understanding on their level to cope without us forcing our own coping measures or the lack of the same on them. Grieving needs to be age appropriate just like everything else in life does.

The tragedy effecting our Nation in NewTown,Connecticut can affect our children around the globe and it is especially important that we communicate with our children about their concerns without expressing our own concerns.  It is alright to say Mommy and Daddy are feeling sad because they know that already but they should not be made to feel as a replacement for the children lost, or be compared to them.

We are each uniquely our own person and that applies to grieving as well.  We will not always be on the same page together nor do we have a time clock running.  If we need grief counseling we most definitely need to seek it out before we are left to deal with an unnecessary guilt or a prolonged sense of hopelessness.  It is important that we also rest during this time, when we can.  Grieving is exhausting and requires that we do get sleep.

Good luck and my condolences are with all of you.  I, like the rest of the Nations around the World, are wishing you the strength to recover on your own time and in your own space knowing our prayers and thoughts are with all of you.  May the goodness of the Season offer all of us the hope that we as a Nation will do something about such needless tragedies, in the New Year. God Bless all of us!  (See my previous post,”Guns And Mental Illness”)

Read Full Post »

Being Genuine

Webster dictionary describes genuine as actually having the reputed or apparent qualities or character.  To many times we have people using words to describe others when they do not own or practice the qualities needed to possess or own character, themselves.  It was a repeated error made by candidates for election throughout the Nation this past election year.

When Governor Chris Christy of New Jersey showed his own Party what real character was or expressed genuine feelings in his praise of President Barack Obama’s quick response to the disaster in his State, due to the hurricane, men who like to refer to  themselves, as men who protect the standards of family values in America,criticized Christy for being genuine in his complement to our President.

When we as a Nation have leaders who criticize others who are genuine or fail to compliment others and treat it as a heresy when they compliment  or speak to a member of the opposite side of the aisle, can we really expect them to do what is genuinely in the best interests of those of us who are in need of their leadership?  Will men like Paul Ryan,Scott Walker, or Rubio, meeting and discussing the need of the Republican Party to become inclusive of the Hispanics, lead us to believe that they are genuine if they continue to vote against the equal rights of women to make decisions on their own procreation or to their own health, or when their Republican members in Washington filibusters immigration reform?

Are these, the often spoken about, the young new hopefuls of the Republican Party, any better than what has destroyed the “Grand Old Party?”When they speak about the Americans who fall on hard times as being the “takers”, while they vote against the needs of the people or refer to those of us who paid into government as, “people with their hands out who feel entitled”,or try to pass laws against victims of rape in defining legitimate rape, will we see any genuine change in the Republican Party when these young men are chosen to lead our Nation?

Doesn’t the Republican Party need men in it instead like Bob Dole who was genuine in his actions towards the disabled, the poor, and the need of the Republican Party to know and understand the needs of the people?  Aren’t these new young Tea Party members only an extension of what is wrong in the Republican Party?  Aren’t we the American People totally tired of words that are opposite of the actions they practice when it comes to voting against our rights and needs?

Too many times in our own personal lives we make allowances for those who practice disingenuous behavior because they are the beautiful people,the most charming of our children or friends, or because we want to be more like them or a part of their group. The new generation just wants to be respected by their parents instead. When we ourselves are less than genuine it shows all over our bodies and faces to those of us who recognize phony or shallow values.

When these politicians do the same, too many people, who are less than honest themselves, will be taken in by those who are not genuine. I once had a person tell me that my biggest problem was that I was too moral for the group as they did not place a high value on morality.  Isn’t that also at the root of why we keep electing people who are less than genuine in their leadership? I applaud the American people who did not accept or support the practice of lies , that won these men the elections in our States and Washington in 2010.

Have we forgotten already the way they won or their legislation that brought in the right to work laws that eliminated our protection from the Unions against unfair labor laws?  Will we forget the bills that they tried to pass against a woman’s right to choose or the involvement of the Tea Party militia in hate groups?  Will the Corporate Press be able to convince us of all the wonders done by these men of the future who stormed our States in 2010 and began laying off teachers,firemen and police while decreasing the wages of the workers?

When Republicans are promoted to run in the highest office of the land in 2014 and 2016 by the GOP, will we forget that they have been less than genuine in their practice towards the needs of the middle class when it came to an economic recovery and of giving us real jobs with fair hours and wages? Will we forget the passage of the right to work laws that denied the American workers and their Unions the right to vote because 27 States had Republican governors who were financed by the Koch Brothers? Didn’t many of the Republican governors lie to the people while they denied the workers their right to Democracy? Isn’t this currently  happening with Republican Governor Rick Snyder in Michigan?   Don’t these Governors represent the future of the Republican Party and the mentality of the Tea Party while the wages of the middle class continue to decline but the wealth of the rich increases two-fold?

Despite their argument that without the right to work laws corporations fail to move to their States and that these laws release people from having to join the Unions; they fail to say that Federal law already states people who do not want to join a Union need not do so.  These Republicans offer absolutely no proof of the truth in their Statements.  There is a simple explanation for the same and that is because there is no proof in what they state.  The proof that does exist is that the average worker’s income drops by $5500.00 per year along with benefits while their working conditions worsen.

The Corporations continue to win while the workers continue to lose is the fact with the right to work laws and there is no proof when 22 States have adopted these laws that corporations do move in. Why should they change from the States they already do set up residence in, when the majority if not all of the Red States where these laws have passed previously, have always offered corporate welfare to Corporations previously to these laws being passed in swing States? Are we the middle class foolish enough to believe that these Corporations will give up all their bread and honey, along with their facilities, equipment and trained staffs in the Red States in order to take less in the swing States?

If they should happen to move to the swing States, which is unrealistic, how much more concessions and job lost do we think it will cost the middle class workers? Would the workers in the Red States continue to believe that they lost their jobs,health care,and pensions because they were taken over by vulture Capitalists in the claim their Company was losing money? Don’t we already know the truth is that the greed of the Republican Party along with the greed of Wall Street is responsible for job lost over job gain?  What will it take for all Americans to understand this concept?

Michigan Republican Governor,Rick Snyder, like so many other Republican Governors in 21 other States,totally ignored the right of the workers to vote when the polls showed that only 6% of the people in the State of Michigan favored this move. Many in the Red States do not even know if they are a right to work State because they have such a heavily backed Republican legislature along with a conservative media, who does not keep them informed.

Do we feel that the current Republican Party is genuine in their representation of the truth when it comes to balancing the budget and avoiding the fiscal cliff in Washington?The truth is that the Tea Party members have dug in their heals again, just as they did the last time, and refuse to accept President Obama’s proposal of at least lowering the taxes on those who make less than $250,000. and John Boehner, is blaming President Obama instead of himself when it is his job to lead his own Party as Speaker of the House in Congress. They all appear on camera instead for their photo opts and profess in unison that the problem is that President Obama has sent them nothing while they reject his offer of cutting 4 trillion dollars and raising the taxes on the wealthy.  The only thing they seem to be able to agree on is to lie in unison to the American people. They began as “the Do Nothing Congress and they will finish out the four years” as the same.

Are they any different from the Republican Governors in our States? Have we already forgotten their 100 plus filibuster attempts against the middle class that would have protected the needs of the people and gave jobs to the same over their protection of Corporate? Don’t we realize their main goal was to make certain that President Barack Obama was a one term President?  Do we really believe that these same men will now compromise in order to keep the economy improving when they have fought against President Barack Obama’s attempts to do the same in the past?

With all their excuses as to why they lost just how genuine are they in understanding their need to be all-inclusive of the American people?  Is it just another example of empty words on their part? Does our own belief system fail us when we are asked  to remember the behavior directed against us by them? Do we learn to hate others who do us no harm, because we have a genuine belief system that tells us that hate is acceptable? Does our own belief system excuse us from making excuses for ourselves instead of taking action?

Is our problem that we long- ago lost touch with practicing any kind of value system based on genuine values, ourselves? Do we have a clue what we believe when we are called on to fight for the same?  Do we believe instead what we have been told to believe so we go into denial when we see or hear a real lack of sincerity in the same?Are those who promote family values, actually those who talk about values but find morality too difficult to maintain themselves?  We need to be interested in politics and the history of our politicians if we are to hold them and ourselves to a higher standard.

When we fail to hold those who would lead us to higher standards, it is we who lose.  This is true when it comes to raising our children and in teaching them right from wrong because we practice what we preach.  When we fail to make morality a priority in our own life the first to understand that our words do not match our actions, are our children.

Many a straying spouse does not just prove to their spouse that they are not trustworthy but they also teach their children that adults cannot be trusted or the person they most admire lacks morality when it comes to being an adult. Many children will turn a deaf ear to what they feel is nothing more than gibberish when they recognize that the behavior of the adult in their lives does not match the words they speak. Sadly, others will emulate the same behavior when they become adults but they will many times prove to their parents that they can do a better job of failing  than what their parent or parents did when it comes to being less than genuine.

When we talk about how busy we are but our children never see us get off the couch they believe the ”busy talk” in us is less than genuine.   When  our children’s  needs to be disciplined go unprovided for, but are replaced by wants instead, we raise children who grow up feeling entitled without them making any efforts towards justifying the same in themselves; too often some will adopt a grandiose image of themselves while being totally void of human empathy for others while they often lack the understanding of what it takes to be ambitious.  If we never teach our children to take genuine responsibility for their own behavior or to care for their own needs in the home, but instead we make excuses for them or wait on them, we deny them the right to find genuine satisfaction in their own accomplishments.

When children are left untrained and untaught they often grow up fearful of being independent from us or to immature to leave home and to form their own belief system.  If we always treat work as something to be dreaded, we teach our children to be lazy instead. Too often we adults will go into denial before we accept the truth of the fact that our child’s behavior is out of control. The lives our children live while they watch us, when it fails to match the genuineness of the words we speak, often leads to denial in us and confusion in our children.

This is true about any behavior or words that leave our lips.  When we are less than genuine the first to accept it as being normal behavior in adults, are our children.  The fact that the youth vote went over whelmingly for President Barack Obama should show all of us who fear the “Me first and now” traits in the youth vote, that we are dead wrong in our judgements. Just as sometimes  the callous of heart appear to belong to the Tea Party or National Rifle Ass., we totally over look the value in the young who would put many of our generations to shame. President Ronald Regan means nothing to them and invoking his name did nothing towards winning their votes.

We forget that this generation of young people learned from us not to trust.When one out of every three homes on the block experience some form of  abuse in it, they have learned that they cannot trust adults to protect them.  We cannot turn around and place the blame on them without taking our share of the blame and pretend to begin to solve the problems that we face as a Nation, while talking about family values,if we do not understand that as adults our generations were far from perfect,as well.

The 1950′s were anything but what they have been romanticized to be but instead were hidden under the lies of injustice and under the veil of secrecy. The same environment allowed for the inhumane and violence of the Jim Crow laws to continue unchecked along with the violence and inequality of not just the tragedies of those laws but also the lack of laws that protect women and children against extreme abuse.

Those who would advocate the return to the 1950′s are not being fully cognizant or honest of the hardships and lack of humanity of the era.  When we fail to act out of genuine concern for all of our people, ourselves, we are certain to elect officials who would ignore the tragedies of the era,and instead repeat a history of genuine injustice. We as a Nation cannot return to a time of ignorance and injustice but we need to move forward by electing legislatures who  protect all Americans by making certain that the laws protect our children regardless of race,creed,gender or gender orientation, who are the most vulnerable amongst us. The spread of half truths and ignorance only makes hate breed.

Just as those who are aware of past injustices, and fight against the return to the same, we need to acknowledge in more recent times our children were victims of their babysitters, Ministers,coaches, and Priests,others their uncles,neighbors or Boy Scouts leaders,still others their step fathers, dads or mothers, others grew up with drugged,beaten,or alcoholic parents, and still others were prostituted by their own parents. They were warned about pedophiles and terrible behavior in adults that many of our generations were not aware of even existing.

Much of this same behavior happened throughout previous generations as well, but when it is kept as a secret in the closet to take to the grave we grew up being told it was our sin to bear and an isolated happening or worse yet, normal behavior, to practice as adults ourselves.  In keeping the secrets of those we were led to believe we should emulate, we lived our lives in turmoil being convinced we were the demon seed, where as todays generation understands that it is not their fault but the fault of the adult, once they are of voting age. This behavior is not limited to poor neighborhoods but happens on every block regardless the socio-economic conditions.

Many of our young people grew up to find their Sports heroes, steroid addicts or shot or killed in drunken accidents. Others were given drugs by their coaches and told to take it or else.  We adults left them devoid of the heroes we took for granted.  They did not have Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, or Martin Luther King to offer them hope in their lives.  They have no reason to trust the adults in their lives because if they were not victimized they have a friend who was.  They certainly are not going to take a politician’s word for something when their actions are less than genuine and they watched their mom’s work two or sometimes three jobs because they were not paid the wage that their Dad’s were.

They were not bought off as Mitt Romney said with “free birth control” but they have seen too much disingenuous behavior in adults in their lives to be bamboozled by less than genuine politicians. Many of them have no reason to any longer fall for the charismatic who will lie to them.  When abuse was not a part of their life they grew up with the ability to express themselves.

The fortunate ones had parents who encouraged them because they had parents who did or are doing a better job of instilling morality in the next generations than our parents or we did, so the young amongst us who are our future, do recognize the lack of words matching the actions in those who would lead us. It is way past time that we, just as the youth vote does, demand proof of the genuine actions of our politicians to hear us the American Public, and to act as our leaders over lying to us. If the Republican Party continues to fail to understand that their behavior and performance has been exposed and has come out failing,  they will continue to lose elections.

When the Republican Party learns to run legitimate candidates who are genuine in their words matching their actions, then the Grand Old Party will return fully vindicated of its past history and will again be representative of the needs of the people. Talking about it will prove nothing when the conversations are about play acting warm and fuzzy feelings or concerns for the middle class,women, and minorities but their actions taken, prove otherwise.   They cannot deny the voters the truth when their own votes, platform,voter suppression, and actions betray them as less than genuine, nor will it win them votes of the American people.

When the Republicans refuse to accept genuine actions speak to the heart of the youth vote and those votes that they are accustomed of getting, are the votes of the dying generations, then they must change their own actions or become distinct along with the dinosaurs. Unlike those of our generation and before, young people do not buy into the belief that a candidate is a “Nice Young Man”, nor do they vote the way they are told to vote.

Todays’ young people grew up on the internet and are much more likely to check  out the voting records of the candidates  against  their campaign speeches. Bullshippers in politics are on their way out with tomorrow’s voters. The Republicans need much more than empty words or the Hispanic vote in their corner and in most cases, they are assuming that the Hispanics have a short memory and are not computer savvy as well.  No one takes the privilege of voting more seriously than an immigrant, denied.

I wish all of us the appreciation of having genuine people in our lives who surround us this Holiday Season.  May we all be so Blessed as to attract the same with our own honesty while understanding the need of it in all of our own lives. The Holiday Season is not about making comparisons with our neighbors, but about taking pride in the generosity of the American spirit that we helped inspire, while embracing those of us who express the truth of that same spirit.  Celebrate the genuine goodness in all of us by giving of ourselves to what ever Religious or Spiritual belief we hold dear, or as a sign of our genuine love expressed, and give what we can spare to the less fortunate, as a reminder of the real purpose of this Holiday Season.  God bless us all!

Read Full Post »

The Fiscal Cliff

Speaking as someone who has been the majority tax payer, and speaking for many others, it is a crime how low our taxes really are in America.  We have not paid as low of a tax rate as we are paying today since the 1950′s when a cup of coffee was a nickel and a Coke cost a dime.  We are paying the same taxes that we paid when a child could take a dime into a candy store and come out with a sack full of candy or a comic book. The cost of gasoline was 22 cents for a gallon of gas and a Ford automobile cost $1500.00.  A baby could be born in a hospital for $200 and a good quality dress cost $25.00 while we could buy dresses from stores like J.C. Penney for $5.00 each.

The average wage that was considered good pay was $1.06 per hour in the 1950′s, and was years prior to minimum wage going into effect.  When minimum wage went into effect in 1968 it started at $2.25. Companies said they would go broke and got around the law then by hiring two part time workers to replace the full-time worker.  If you were considered a service then you did not have to pay minimum wage.  There were no benefits from healthcare to 401ks. The taxes went up and climbed higher in the 1960′s,  over what we pay today.  If they and we could pay the taxes then or more than we do now, and it was long before the baby-boomers were retiring,  then something is terribly wrong when the Republicans dig in and refuse to let the taxes go higher to meet the needs of the people at today’s prices.

We do not want people going hungry in America or our children and the elderly unable to buy medicines just because a bunch of Tea Party members cheered when one of their own said that the poor in a coma should be left to die if they did not have the funds to pay their hospital bill.  The majority of us are not of the mentality of The Koch Brothers and are not the kind of people who the Republican Congress claims to be representing by not letting all of the Bush tax cuts run out.

The richest Nation on earth should be able to pay for the needs of its people without it being called socialism.  We are the only Nation  of the civilized world that currently refuses to pay for the total healthcare needs or to invest in the educational needs of its people, as a priority, because of the current Republican Party. When they put greed of Capitalism before the needs of  ”We the People”, and refuse to believe that the American people have given them a referendum to put us first, then it is time we all question their motives to do otherwise. We can no longer make excuses for them as they make excuses for themselves as well.  We are not against Capitalism but when its greed continues to be protected by the Republican Party over the needs of the people, then it is time that we tell the Congress we are watching your stall tactics and judging you accordingly.

To have a bunch of Congressmen who operate on the Grover Norquist tax pledge to continue to hold the middle class hostage in an effort to deny food stamps for the hungry or healthcare to our children or elderly is the same disgrace that is represented in the Republican Party and encouraged by the Tea Party.  The Congress has the misguided idea that they won a mandate instead of accepting the fact that they won a handful of people with the hope they would bring better clarity to their own Party in an effort to force the Congress majority into hearing the needs of the people over the greed of the Country.

Does the Republican Party believe that the middle class who have already been stuck with the fact that the Republicans spent the “lock box” on Social Security that provided for the future healthcare needs of the retirees through 2072 and were asked to bail out the greed of Wall Street, while the same Republicans refused to pay for two wars and stuck the middle class with all the same, that they can now convince the middle class that we have a Republican majority who are looking out for a balanced approach to the economic woes that we  face? Do they assume that the middle class is so out of touch as not to be aware of Republicans insistence to back the same programs that have failed us will be supported by us?

The real American majority re-elected President Obama in the hopes that the Republican Party would quit arguing amongst themselves and accept President Obama’s agenda for the middle class.  The Republican Congress do not have a leg to stand on. When people like myself, who truly do pay the highest tax rates in America, are saying we  pay too little in order to support the needs of the people and therefore we are willing to pay more in order to balance the budget in Washington, then how can the Republicans deny that they are dug in so far, in order to represent  American men such as Sam Adelson or Donald Trump, over “We the People”?.

When we add to that the  fact that Billionaires for tax increases have gone to Washington to lobby the Congress to increase their taxes then we realize the Republican Congress is operating on their own agenda and totally ignoring the mandate that they were given by “We the People.” We did not hear about the Billionaires lobbying because that was a little secret kept by many in the media in order for them to use their own fear tactics spread against the dangers of going over the fiscal cliff.  The truth is that it will cost little to nothing if we do because even the Republican Party are smart enough to know it will cost them elections for years to come, since they will be blamed for it and their own ideology is responsible for the same.  Most of what the media are reporting is just more of the Republican hype while they continue to stall.

As a Nation, none of us can any longer afford the Bush tax cuts and we are all willing to pay our fair share as long as it is fair and balanced for everyone.  If the only way we will get resolution and fairness or have the Republican Congress hear us, when we are telling them. “we are willing to pay more,”  is if we go over the fiscal cliff then I say,” let’s go over it.”  Hell lets even jump over it.  Does anyone have a  parachute or a bungee cord, they do not need? Its time we stop the bullies in Congress and if the only way we can do that is to go over the fiscal cliff, then let’s go!

Read Full Post »

Do We Know Ourselves?

When was the last time or have we ever taken a hard look at ourselves?  Many felt that candidate Mitt Romney defeated himself in the election because we really did not know the person, Mitt Romney, when his conversations in private were opposite of his public conversation. The young Tea Party members are expressing the fact that they need to be more inclusive of all Americans and talk about it.  Does conversation on a level of rhetoric convince any of us when the actions through their votes deny the same? When Congress holds the middle class hostage as they have for thirty years, in order to make certain the wealthy gain instead, will we believe that they care about all Americans?

Isn’t this true about many of us, in that our conversations are many times opposite of our actions? How inclusive are we in our actions?  When I first moved into the Rural areas or took a new job, and I still find it to be true, many of the people I met were so busy asking me questions about myself, while they failed to tell me much of anything about who they were or are.

When couples meet for the first time many times women will tell men much more about themselves than what men will tell about themselves. Many time a majority of men will talk about what jobs they are studying for or hope to get or they hold,hiking,sports,hunting,fishing,women,working out,or any other subject that does not reveal themselves long before they will reveal personal information about themselves.

In the heading about myself on this blog I reveal nothing about myself but state I prefer to let others define me because in writing anything, we will reveal ourselves.  Too often people will go into denial about the person they feel  they are before they will take an honest look at themselves. Many times if we ask what their belief or philosophies are on important issues of the day, we will many times get back a blank stare before we will get an answer.   Other times we hear, ”I really am not interested in that,” “that kind of stuff just makes my mind go numb,” or “I haven’t got a clue about what you are talking about.”  Too many people fail to realize that we should at very least take time out to reflect or know our own philosophy on life in order to understand the person that we truly are and embrace.

If we fail to understand our own belief system and the triggers in our own life, that makes us understand why we react to the outside stimulus of life the way we do, then we too many times will spend a lifetime judging others according to standards we do not practice in our own lives.  Many times we will live beyond our means and makes excuses as to why we do or look down our noses at those who do with less and find much more happiness in life than we do.  Having the courage to look at ourselves on an honest level of really knowing and embracing the person who lives inside of us is what makes us find the joy that we seek.

When our own behavior defies the reality of the person that we are, we leave others feeling as though we are a misguided individual, or brain washed by Society or other people’s philosophy, while we have no clue as to what it is that we truly do embrace.  The 2010 election was a perfect example as to how quickly what we knew about our President Barack Obama, could be turned on lies both against him and against Obama care.  It took too many to finally realize that is was not our President who changed his commitments to us but the lies that we accepted as truth, that turn our views on him.  In the end he won because we recognized that his words matched his actions and as a leader he would fight for our rights.

When we fail to know ourselves then we too many times can be led in life by people who prey on our vulnerability. If we have to ask,”Why am I always attracted to people who are not good for me?” then it is time we discover for ourselves why we have to ask,”Why are we always attracted to the same and what are the triggers in me that makes me continually repeat the same mistakes?” Our friends will make excuses for us and so will our family say things such as,”You are just to kind or trustworthy”, or other answers that actually make us feel better about being attracted to those who prey on us.” When we do not get an honest answer but buy into what others tell us, we keep repeating the same mistakes.

When we learn more about ourselves we often find that we have an irrational need to be needed,or to be made whole by someone else,or there is an insecurity in ourselves that can only be made to feel better by attracting or gathering those who we feel are inferior to us.  When we believe we are better than those who we attract too many times we feed our own false ego in the process. The difference between confident people and insecure people is: that those who do know themselves understand their own weaknesses and strengths and their lives indicate that they live according to their own philosophy of self, over that which has been defined by others.  When I tell my readers that I would rather be defined by others, it is because I am confident in the person that I am and yet aware enough that even with that, people will define me anyway.

It is when we can change and alter our actions according to the words that we speak that we do become the person we want to be.  We do not have one set of standards for ourselves, while holding another set of standards for the clique’s,or the job that we work or the group that we hang with during our free time. When we are true to ourselves then we are true to others as well.

Many times in life we are given tests, or run into road blocks in life, or even marry people that we had no business of marrying.  If we do not reflect on ourselves and what our own tolerances or rejections in life are all about, then too often we will go into denial about the person we are.  We need a clarity of why we react and why we need to fill an emptiness in ourselves with that which is bad for us.  If we do not understand ourselves It will exhibit itself in all kinds of judgement calls against others,acceptance of what we intellectually know and understand to be destructive but we will choose it anyway, and leave us in a state of confusion to the point that we can be led by undesirables.

We heard the word hypocrisy expressed many times during the election year because we did not feel that the candidates spoke on the truth of their own lives and how they have voted or spoken in the past. Too many times the candidates had one set of rules for others while having another set for us, when their own actions betrayed their own words.

When people criticize those who have affairs and gossip about it around the coolers or our coffee table, it is not all that unusual that they themselves have had affairs or will have in the future.  Many times the idea of the same has been entertained, at least in their minds, and by downgrading others that have had affairs, they often feel safe in the words that they speak. This is true about many other things that we tear apart in others as we too often fear,”But for the Grace of God there go I.”

Many of us can and do find hypocrisy in people who will malign others regardless of the conversation because we do know and understand our own strengths and weaknesses, and find gossip such a waste of the precious time each of us are allotted in life.  I personally am bored by such talk because I want to know you and what is your banner that you promote and stand for, or will fight for, and what it is about you that is special.

Each of us,regardless of what others think about us,will find that we are uniquely an individual that is special in an area of expertise that makes us the way we are.  We will also often discover that much of what made us think we knew better than others, is our weak point.  When we know ourselves we leave behind so much of the waste and the distractions that separates us from the joy,that we feel in knowing we are our own person and much stronger and competent that we believed ourselves to be in some cases and in other cases we find a total humbling experience.

Either way it is in knowing ourselves we will not only do what is best for us but we will also do what is best for everyone else as well.  When our actions match our words we do not tolerate bigots nor do we reject the equal rights of others but instead we become more inclusive of the understanding that we are all working towards the same goals in our lives.  Happiness often comes at a price and if we do not seek it through hard work and honesty of self, we often find that we fail it instead of it failing us.

I wish all of us a clarity of self this Holiday Season because we do know and understand that our limits range from the amount we can afford to spend on gifts to the amount of triggers in us that causes us to be upset by other’s rude behavior and words.  It is not wrong to discover sometimes, that it is time to throw the bums out of our lives, and to embrace the Independence in ourselves that makes all of us strong enough to carry the crosses we are asked to bear.  We must understand at the same time, there are triggers in us that causes bad reactions in others and work towards changing those triggers in ourselves, as well.May we all have a Blessed Holiday Season and a Happy New Year!

Read Full Post »

The Price We Pay

Too often I have heard throughout my lifetime, “It is not fair,” or “someone should do something about it,”or similar statements. We all know people who face the most tragic life’s lessons and still keep moving on without ever giving up, but too many of us refuse to accept or acknowledge the fact that there are others who suffer much worse hardships from our own.

There are those who believe,” that they need to do nothing to help others because they already get enough help” or “such and such is lucky” or “never had a problem in their lives.”  It has also been my experience that people who believe this are the first to react the most poorly when they chip a nail or break a heel off of their shoe or their car gets scratched or their tie begins to unravel.

The people who really learn the importance that we place on things is pretty shallow,are those who will be humbled in some way by life and learn from the experience when they do. It isn’t always fair and the suffering is often very real, but it is how we accept or deal with the tragedies of life, that is the real test of mankind.  We can always rebuild things and many times re-heal bodies but if we give up or curse others,the price we pay can and will lead to defeat. Even when we exhaust all possibilities there does come the day that we must accept our own limitations and embrace the factors that make us the person we are, the person we accept. Often times in life we are presented with  re-inventing a new way to live life to its best abilities without making comparisons in life.

I certainly am not suggesting that we do not grieve an important lost of a  home,job,or even health.  What I am saying is that the longer we dwell on the injustice of the same, the longer we ultimately pay a price much larger than what we ever should have had to pay.  When we look at others and say, “they are lucky,” too many times we are being unrealistic about the sacrifices they made in order to achieve their success or giving ourselves an excuse for the fact that we would rather quit, drink beer, or shop than make the sacrifices needed. When we recognize that no one escapes life without a few bruises and some heart ache we realize that the difference is in how they handle or recover from the lost, is what sometimes separates them from us.

The reality is, people who are willing to get back up and dust themselves off following failure or mistakes,which we all will face at some point or time in our lives, will succeed with each time they vow to come back better than ever.  It has to be there in action and without resentment or fear overcoming our determination to move on or to begin again. As long as we have people in our lives we all will either experience the just or unjust.

Anyone of us can be grateful when things are going our way, the difficult part is learning gratitude when we feel that our life is not, by seeking out what is good in our lives.  No one will ever experience a life where they do not have something or someone good in it, unless they flee from it or reject the idea or the person who does support them. Other times it is our own gift of determination and awareness that refuses to give up, that makes us get up and move on. It is when we waste time blaming others that we weaken our own chances to start over again. When we understand the lesson taught us we will reach gratitude in the process, even though our loss may seem insurmountable in the beginning.  Starting over can be the best thing we ever do, if we learn from our past. If we refuse to accept our own role in it, then too often we will fail. It is the price we pay that often becomes our best teacher in life and teaches us gratitude for the lessons learned.

Life often gets down to how we deal with the insignificant that too often gets blown out of proportion. Sometimes we do find people are in the right place at the right time but too often we refuse to accept that it is not a place that we would ever have traveled to or a job we would have wanted or were qualified for taking. People who base everything on the almighty dollar often fail to understand or appreciate the joy found around the table of a family who has food on the table or a person who is content with just having the people in their lives that they do.

Life for most of us is as rewarding as the lessons it teaches us and the price we pay for it. It is when we learn not to repeat the mistakes but to be grateful for the lessons learned that we become comfortable with what we accept as our own success. When we hear people complain that they just never got the breaks another person did, too many times it was under their own feet but they refused to take the next step or  make the right move that would have given them more.

People do determine their own goals early in life.  It does appear that some people make one mistake and pay for it all of their lives while others mess up all the time and end up a success.  We fail to see that each time the person messes up they often learn what will or wont work towards their own goals.  What made the difference is that they were not afraid to start all over again. We all have different ideas of what exactly success is;for some it is wealth but for many others it is being comfortable in their own body by giving more of themselves than what they took  in life.  A proud Father or Mother can find joy in the Children that become adults and in the way they repeat the lessons taught them.  Many will find a warm roof over their head a welcoming step that predicts the success of their lives.  As people we are not all looking for the same ideas or have the same beliefs, but whatever steps we take we have to be willing to learn from them.

What is happening with all the excuses and the blame being passed around in the Conservative movement as well as the Republican Party,following the election, is the same thing that makes them fail to understand their own mistakes.  Unless and until they accept the responsibility for their own failure to hear the majority of voters, they are bound to repeat their mistakes again and again. We can all take a lesson from their failure to take responsibility for accepting their own mistakes and their own out of touch sensibilities to the needs of the people.

My husband and I together began our lives in poverty with him being a student and my working towards paying his tuition right along with his working a part-time job.  What we had together, was an education and it is what opened the door that began our future towards retiring well.  We have been poor and we know how it feels to go without eating because there was no money nor anyone who we would accept help from, if it had been offered.  We had a great deal of pride and determination to achieve over what we had money in our pockets.

We have been lower middle class and upper middle class and will retire comfortably. It didn’t just happen without our going without along the way.  Even today I just buy enough clothes and shoes to cover me.  The biggest waste of money a couple will ever make is on clothing, despite this idea,” that we must dress for success.”  A few good pieces of clothing intermixed with other pieces is all that is really necessary, to “dress for success.” If we do make it to CEO or are CFO of  a large firm, where this makes a difference, the wardrobe will be compensatory in the wages, as well.

As my husband retires and we plan the next journey of our life I know personally that the places that we have lived and the things we have done will take their right of passage just as they indicate the sacrifices we were willing to make. The employers we had that rewarded hard work, parents who taught us how to live morally,and the schools we came from,all figure into the success that we worked for as well as the children we raised into adulthood, who will contribute to the success of their own lives.

We could never have accomplished what we did on our own, as it took finding an appreciative and grateful employer who was willing to reward our hard work.  It took me a lifetime of living with chronic physical pain, while accepting my own limitations but helping others with the problems in life they faced, and the two of us never giving up on our dream. It is about accepting the price we pay in life and not letting it get us down nor spending a moments notice on what someone else had.  As we drive away to explore the next journey in our lives and to once more view the great beauty of America and her people,I pray that we accept what lies around the corner just as we always have. Too many times we let bitterness replace the gratitude for the lessons we should have learned, for the price we paid in living. Be grateful everyone and have a great day!

Read Full Post »

Family Gathering For Thanksgiving

I am not writing this post for those of you who are suffering or have done without this Thanksgiving, because if you have been suffering for a while now, most of you are already grateful for the significant things in life, such as food on the table or life itself.  Others may be grateful for electricity being restored or for the Insurance adjuster showing up.  It has been a matter of fact for years now, that the more mankind suffers, the more likely we are to be grateful for the things that others take for granted.

I write this instead for those who are gathering for Thanksgiving and dreading the moment.  There are families who all have that one person, if not two or three, who feel it their yearly obligation.” to rain on our parades.”  We all know them, they will say things like,”Why can’t Mary find a man?”; “Will Johnny ever get a decent job?;”or “Whats wrong with you anyway that you can’t be more like your Saintly sister?; “You know what your brother said about you?”; “I don’t know how your husband or wife can stand you or just the opposite I don’t know how you can stand your husband or wife,”  or why are you so fat when your brothers and sisters aren’t?” Anything they can find to ridicule us about and then sit and laugh about it when they do insult us or hurt our feelings, like it is some kind of a fabulous joke. If they can’t show their own resentment in life, through turning us against the family, then they will turn the family against us.

When they are not making comparisons with one of us on the losing side of what they think is acceptable behavior in us, then they are putting their leg on a chair so no one can miss the fact that their arthritis is acting up in their knee or they belabor their suffering in  great detail.  There will be others who suggest that we can make a better broth or gravy if we just add such and such to it while others insist on carrying a conversation with us through the walls of a different room, while complaining that they cannot hear us, while we are trying to time the turkey coming out with the dinner rolls being finished.  Others will complain about it being too hot while others complain about it being two cold. These same people will be the last to even notice that we are caring for a sick child or suffering from the end results of the flu, while we try to put on a brave front so we do not spoil our own family’s Thanksgiving.

Speaking from someone who swore each year that I was not going to go through another Holiday where the person involved in ALL of the above behaviors could ruin it for my family, it took years before I found the courage to tell her that we would be spending the holiday without her.  Since there were 4 other children in 4 different States who could have paid her expenses and asked her for the Holidays but refused to, I had to learn to ignore the criticism and bear it, until it reached the point the only other one of her children who would take a turn ,decided to match the bullying techniques move by move, and then I washed my hands of it completely.

It is not easy to enjoy the Holidays with a mother only 4 blocks away and alone.  I was greatly criticized by those who refused to give me a break by taking our mother in my place, and by others who knew a different person from the one both myself and my family knew. There does come a day in all of our lives that we must reach our own decisions on our own priorities.  When we had honor rolls, graduations from not just highschool but college and grad school as well as engagements and marriage plans, there did come a time that as a grateful family, we did have the right to celebrate without the center of attention going to my mother who gains attention with continued hurtful or negative comments.

If you find that someone is ruining your Holidays, I do hope you take the time to understand their suffering and give them the attention that they crave,but I also want you to know when the negatives in your family is denying the other family members from giving thanks and celebrating the joys of the family, perhaps it is time to reverse your course or to ask,” what are the priorities of your loved ones?”

Respect walks a two-way street beginning with respecting our own needs as well as the needs of those who depend on us.  For those who can deal with both, despite the abusive grumbling of spouses,mothers and bitchy fathers,jealous siblings,ungrateful children,complaining Aunts and Uncles or Grandparents, I congratulate you on your strength and forbearance.  I hung in for 35 years out of my own sense of duty to my mother, but with growing health problems, myself, it was time to eliminate the negativity in order to enjoy the positive in our lives.

I know other people who deliberately make a habit of working the Holidays,or  leaving for better weather, Vegas or the Beach, in order to avoid having to confront the issues of family.  Others will go ahead and put up with it and then make their friends lives miserable for a month in both the dreading of it before the Holidays and the hurt of it when they leave.  The Holidays can be stressful, because as much as many of us look forward to them there are many others who go into a depression that spreads through the family because they are hanging onto a time in their child hood or life when they felt deprived.

Others will lose loved ones on the Holiday and we do understand that they grieve, as a result of it.  What I am describing here are those who feel that even though they got cheated in life, they are the experts over the entire family, and will not rest until they feel they get the upper hand even though they contribute nothing other than the complaints that brings all of the rest of us down.

We all hear how elderly parents are left to spend the Holidays alone by ungrateful children but never do we hear that parents are left to spend Holidays alone because they themselves have established a record of being ungrateful for those of us who do make the effort to include them until they themselves wear out their welcome.

Many times these same people will become the favorites of strangers or the nursing staff and then treat their own children like they are beneath them because they refused to believe as they were told to believe,accept the faith of their parents,loved someone their parents forbade them to love, or did not become the person the parent thought they should become.  The parent was continually ashamed or embarrassed by their own children’s appearance or the way they dressed. At the same token some parents had reason for concern, when the adult child’s behavior was out of control or they were too willing to accept abuse,themselves.  There are any number of ways beside ungrateful children, as to why family members do end up alone on Holidays.

I welcome the idea that mankind is one family and when our own blood family drives us away with their own behavior that they do find a friend or care giver that befriends them when we ourselves cannot.  I think I speak for many this Holiday Season when I say that we are very grateful that our loved one’s have you in their lives.  We do love them, despite the fact that when we try to love them, they themselves drive us away with their words and behavior against us.

Those of you who think  I am talking about simple cantankerous relatives who are suffering, and it is the same that you welcome into your lives, all I can say for the rest of us is,”NO They Are Not! Not all of us are as fortunate as to have family members who are any different at 70 than they were at 30 or at 3, and there in lies the difference. We grow old as we grew young while some wounds are never allowed to scar or heal by those who spend a lifetime taking out their hurt on those of us who are the closest to them, while they refuse to get the help we offer them. Many times you instead can be the catharsis to them that we cannot be, and as a result we remain grateful to you, a total stranger.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be grateful for all of those who we too often take for granted and love each other. The less said the better Thanksgiving will be for all of us, if the only thing that crosses our minds has criticism attached to it, just because we may think it is constructive criticism, it has no place at the dinner table, now or ever.  Perhaps constructive criticism does exist on a job where an employee struggles to learn the same, but criticism in a family is criticism.

If we can not treat family members with the human dignity of respect how can we teach our own children or grandchildren to give respect and to demand the same respect, in their own lives? If discussing our differences becomes as lop-sided as the lack of respect shown, then we need to make decisions in the best interests of those who do care about us and who depend on us. We cannot expect others to defend us if we refuse to defend our own right to be treated with human dignity. As adults if we cannot discuss our differences without demeaning ourselves or others, then it is time to consider another recourse.  If we do not like receiving criticism ourself, then we must learn to be adults and not give it, as what goes around will come around. If you are traveling have a safe trip and God Bless us all!

Read Full Post »

Never Getting Burned

If you read my previous post entitled “Emotions Denied” then you know that I have stressed the importance of knowing and releasing ourselves from our past emotional baggage.  I love people who give of themselves without question or suspicion but I do not love it when these same people regret their doing so and they either end up bitter for life or they complain obsessively about it, and then turn around and repeat it again and again.

It is our job to understand the difference between real need as versus those who go through every member of the group or family pulling a fast one, while they play a victim with their hands out. If we do not learn this lesson fairly quickly then we will get burned by those who deceive. We do not owe con people or those who have such little respect for us, that they would lie to us, anything so we need to stop them from their own bad habits by having the courage to say,”No.”

We should never feel an obligation to support those who have a better lifestyle than we do. Intellectually, we all know this so why do we allow these destructive people to ruin even a  moment of our day much less,years and years? If we can’t stop our obsessions over the same shouldn’t we question our own emotional development instead of their’s? People who can deceive us will always deceive us, if we do not have the power to be honest with them as well as ourselves.

We will all have at least one or two extreme or real hurts in our life time that makes each of us obsessive until we heal. We often think the first time we are betrayed by a friend is the worst hurt of all until we do mature enough to understand the real priorities in life.  Many will be tested much further than the rest of us and still remain in charge of their own emotional well-being, because they do recognize they cannot do it alone and they need help. When it comes to the lost of a child perhaps we will never recover.  This is not the kind of pain that I am writing about today.  What I am talking about is when people make sacrifices to give of their time or money and then complain because they get “screwed” and it leads to a lifetime of grudge matches or hate to the point they remain bitter and take it out on those closest to them for life.

My biggest complaints about joining charitable groups in the past and what led me to get out of all of them, was not my enjoyment of doing so but the complaining I heard from the individuals working in them.  Some one was always complaining that they worked harder than the next person or “so and so” felt they needed to point out what “butter paddies” were over just butter”,or the person in charge had no life beyond making their own image look good and it meant the rest of us should ignore our families and fall in line as well. I decided the best way I could give of real charity was to go anonymous and form my own.  The type of groups I was in had nothing to do with being charitable.

True charity is giving when we know we have nothing to gain ourselves, in return.  I have gone into a number of relationships in my lifetime knowing full-well that I would be betrayed,used, or rejected afterwards. I was aware of the fact that it was their behavior that was at fault, not my own, but my conscience told me that if I ignored their needs, it would make me less of a person than the one I wanted to be because I did have the ability,money, and time to help them.  In saying yes I  also knew I risked the fact of being mistreated because as does happen, some of them would feel, if I helped them once, they were entitled to my help again and again. I did not take on these challenges in my life until I had learned that once burnt twice learned.  It did not give me the excuse to never again show charity to others but instead to understand that losing people who would betray me is not the worse thing in life to lose.

It is when we take on extreme views in life that never bend or because John Doe hurt us we can never trust men again or if Jane Doe behaves in such a way then we will never speak to her again, that we take on the views of a person who would rather dwell on our extreme views over that of a person who would learn humility and charity.  I certainly do not advocate spending time with people who have a past history of being untrustworthy but if we can instead learn from the mistakes of our own roles in life we can also let go of the judgements we place against others.

Most obsessions come from our own lack of understanding that our extreme views led to judging another’s person’s right to operate as a free agent or we assumed to much about them, when we have no right to judge the behavior of anyone other than our own behavior.  When we spend time understanding why we respond the way we do, we make it more difficult for others to burn us.  The mere fact that we refer to it as being burned often means we are not looking at the full picture as it presents itself as others can not burn us if we do not give them permission to do so. Obsessions that continue are only a cover for the fact that we are human and have been hurt more sometimes from our own assumptions than by the person or people we have misjudged.

Having been disabled by pain, all my adult life, I have come to appreciate that we all have limits and if we do not say “NO” but instead resent people by saying “Yes”, then we do both of us a disservice. When we are at peace with our own emotions it is neither foolish or stupid to do so but it is the act of true empathy for someone whose need is greater than our own, when we can make a difference.  It is called Charity. It is also charity to say “NO” when we mean “No” because we set our own ground rules by knowing our own as well as our loved ones limitations to give, as well.

Giving because we expect something in return, because it is our cultural belief,we are doing it for our own image, we are told to by superiors or a court,or we obligate another person so they feel guilt if they do not do us a favor when we need a favor, is neither charity or an act of kindness.  There is no place for the word me in charity or empathy if we do wish to help and can without hurting ourselves or our loved ones, in the process.

When charity is done at the expense of the future of our own children, then it can be as destructive as doing nothing. It is through charity that we can best teach right from wrong to our children, when we keep it in balance with the rest of our life.When I see members of the Tea Party such as Ron Paul say,”Why should I have to pay because they lost their Beach house in a storm,” I can relate to what he is saying but I do know that if we ever reach the point in America that all Americans develop,” that me first and only attitude,” we will fail to exist as a Democracy or we will become a Country without a conscious.

The point I am making today is if we give with our compassion,time or money and have expectations in return every time we do, then we should not spend the rest of our lives obsessing over the fact that we got nothing back in return when we keep giving to the same person or people who never will return their own compassion,time,or money, but instead will mistreat us or betray us.

If we are not willing to learn through our own feelings of making a mistake  but instead assume or insist they pay us back in kind, we are only hurting ourself through denial or assumption of their being the people we think they should be rather than the person or people they are. When we do an act of kindness we should understand that it is its own reward instead of having a view of injustice when it is we who are acting irrational. There is a reason that the cliché’ exists and it is,”No good Deed shall go left unpunished.”  It is the quickest way there is to teach each of us two things and those are:  How secure are we in giving and do we have an ulterior motive when we give? Clearly if we are going to obsess about how we got burned from 3 to 30 years, then we pretty much have our answer, don’t we?

The whole point of giving is the comfort we gain when we look ourselves in the mirror or lay our heads on our pillow at night and know our joy of living is complete.  It should never have either a price or expectation on it, beyond the fact that we are comfortable enough in the act of giving and in our own emotional health that we are made complete as a result of doing so. If we are giving when we don’t wish to give then whose fault is it if no one is there to give us a hand up when we fall? We need to determine our own limitations as well as the past history of others who we do deal with and if we are emotionally strong enough to continue dealing with those we are obsessing over.  If not it is way past time we acknowledge that we no longer have a role to play in their lives and if the cost is walking away then we do so.  Ask yourself,”If this person’s need had led to starvation,suicide, or accident would that had made you feel bitter because you got nothing back from them?

If  all of us had expectations of what we would gain in return for our compassion or when we gave, then none of us would ever enjoy life.  Trust me when I say,” if I am speaking about you, then would you please keep your time,money,or charitable work, before obligating others,establishing an image for yourself, or following through out of guilt, or you tell yourself you have an obligation to do so.” We all need to understand that giving isn’t done to gain personally and if it is, it will gain you nothing when it comes to peace of mind. It will instead only add to your own denial and inadequacies of just how out of keel with your emotional health you are or will become.  It will also drive all the rest of us right up a wall if we ever hear you obsess over it one more time!

The truth is those of us who care, which is the majority of us, are going to get burned by people like yourself, if we look at life as you do and ask to what can you do for me or how entitled am I, especially if you plan on giving nothing in return, unless you have strings attached to your generosity. A Nation that legislates by taking advantage of those who jeopardize their life for our freedoms,the sick or elderly who paid in,the poor and the hungry who teach us what real humanity is,or the disabled and disadvantaged who refuse to quit, while we pay for the wealthy tax breaks, is a legislature out of touch with the needs of the people who they take an oath of office to protect.

Those who give back to all of us, through their inspirations and constant struggles and those who teach us unselfish dedication along with giving us the hope through their own strengths,are the people we need to help and certainly over the greed of the people who wouldn’t waste their time trying to understand what real struggle or charity is unless they stood to gain. If we are going to call ourselves civilized or a Democracy, we cannot continue to reward bad behavior in favor of good behavior.

Our giving to those in need, as a Nation and through our tax base, is what should give all of us peace of mind. Knowing they have been there for us in the lessons we should have learned from them and the struggles they made for us or the hope they offer us, needs to be paid for by a grateful Country. To hate or obsess over doing so only indicates to the rest of us, you fail to appreciate those of us who will care for you, even when you have expectations in return. So can we quit obsessing and get back to compassion? Please stop the hurt and hate in you that feeds into driving your obsessions of feeling like you got burned, so those who do care about you, want to spend time with you.

I hope this brings a smile to the face of those of us who can remember a time in our life when we were to wrapped up with the negative side of life and to you who understand about which I write.  It would be equally as wonderful if it offers sage advice to those who don’t.  Remember the advice given by someone much wiser than I and it goes like this,”I asked you how you were, not how your ailments are?”Make life work for you in the best manner you can and then add others when you are strong enough to understand your own strengths and weaknesses.  Life takes a lifetime to get it right for a reason, with peace of mind following when we do.

Enjoy the empathy and compassion granted us through out our life as to destroy it is a real waste! Life really is too short to waste it in upset and hate, while obsessing over those who we make assumptions about according to our own extreme beliefs! Loving those who cannot love others because they cannot love themselves makes it even more difficult for those of us who try.   Understanding that as individuals we have a right to choose just as you do, goes a long way towards healing our Nation, and is the goal of all of us without your hate in it, hopefully with that  lesson learned in our election. Despite that hope the hate will continue if we do not put a stop to it in our Churches, legislatures,media, and lives.

Read Full Post »

The Government Will Rebuild Your Lives

Mitt Romney has said,” government does not give jobs or build businesses but private business is what makes our lives better and gives us jobs.”  Mitt Romney is going to have a hard time convincing those on the East Coast,that government does not make their lives better or won’t give them jobs.  We in the Heartland have learned following tornadoes as have those in the South and on the West Coast  learned following  hurricanes and earthquakes and already know, that Mitt Romney is wrong because yes government does. We have all learned, regardless of the situations in our lives, that government does rebuild our lives,our businesses,gives us checks to rebuild our homes, and gives us jobs to repair our transportation and infra-structure when we need them most.

With the Army Corp of Engineers building up and rebuilding walls to protect the American people on the East Coast from future storms and government paid firemen,first responders, and police protecting their lives and property,the military reserves making rescues and protecting their property from looters, bringing gasoline in when gas stations run out, giving aid to the Red Cross and the Salvation Army to feed the hungry,offering roofs over their heads, working to turn the power back on,repairing their transportation systems,rebuilding bridges and the boardwalk, removing strewn garbage and wreckage from their property, pumping water out of their homes,businesses, and subways,they as we already know, are seeing just how much Americans do depend on our government to be there for them and to give a damn without gouging them in the process. It doesn’t matter what race, religion,skin color,how much money they have, if they are employed, or what social economic position they belong to, they all need government to be there for them now, just as we have had to depend on them in the past or will need to in the future.

Is there an American left in the Nation that believes private Industry along with private Insurance Companies would do the same for us, without gouging us on prices in the process? We know that the system is rigged to keep smaller businesses out by lobbyists who pay the Republican Party in forms of gifts and feel entitled to the contracts in return, and they demand all things business belongs to them,the 1%, unless they choose to reject it. The Republican Party has become their prostitute of the night who when taken out to dinner are expected to perform.

We should also know that we as a private business will not qualify when it comes to gaining contracts from the government, if it is turned over to private Industry, because instead of government deciding our fate the Wall Street lobbyists tell the politicians what our fate is once they are done deciding it themselves. The Republicans are not against the Federal government sponsoring their pork programs they are just against the Federal government sponsoring our programs. When Mitt Romney said,”We need to eliminate FEMA and send it back to the States or better yet turn it over to private Industry, he was speaking for his own belief system which is the same and just more of the problem that created the mess we have spent 4 years trying to climb out of in order to correct the system. We cannot afford their policies and it has been proven that it does not work.

If their cronies are given contracts during the rebuilding of the East Coast won’t there be companies who proceed with business as usual, by charging the people exorbitant costs through the use of government?We may find at times that the wheels of government and the bureaucracy of red tape moves too slowly but in the end they will eventually make it right and we cannot always say that about those who take our money and give us nothing in return. Regardless of what we think of government aren’t they the ones that we find we rely on the most in a disaster situation?Isn’t it important because of lobbyist, who get an unfair break in free enterprise over our own needs, that we keep the needs of the people in the hands of government?

Don’t we rely on our government to maintain many of these same services on any day of our lives, to keep our town,cities,businesses,lending,agriculture and our health care running smoothly?  Isn’t it government that guarantees us that if we pay into the system or fight for the Democracy, we hold dear, then we will be provided for in our older years or on our return from battle?  Do we really believe that private business would protect us from safety in air flight,against diseases and pay for new discoveries in medicine that will heal us ,without price gouging in the open market? Will they protect the life of we the consumers against inferior and often dangerous products and produce if they stand to make a profit?  How efficient and willing will private business be to let go of their own profits in order to defend us against criminal activity,abusers, against terrorist,global warming,pollution that chokes the life out of our children and destroys their futures, find new discoveries that improve our health and longevity of life without forcing us to over-pay for their discoveries or services?

Don’t we need that protection from the greed of Private Industry more now than we ever have, with a Tea Party filled Republican Party that does not believe in a middle class being entitled to a good wage for a honest days work or Democracy? Don’t we need government to defend our right to equality regardless of gender,race,creed,or color of our skin? Don’t we need government to enforce the laws that protect us against these would be abusers,makes sure education is available to all Americans,and frees itself of corruption because “We the People” vote for those who will while we eliminate those who won’t?

When our own community is decimated by Mother Nature or man-made fires or disasters, we need people in government to be there for us who are knowledgeable on helping us regain our footing.We need people who do believe in the warnings given to us from Scientists on global warming and other man-made disasters being there to help us correct the problems before they arise if we are fortunate enough to get a warning, and certainly after a crises occurs. We all depend on our early warning systems provided to us by our government.  We do not need a Republican Party who refuses to accept these realities by making certain it is not part of their platform or they do away with a government who protects our needs, in favor of private Industry, who too often charges us outlandish prices when they do help or cancels our policies after we have paid into them for years..

We have heard for a year how the Republicans will repeal affordable healthcare or Obama care and turn Medicare into vouchers while sending Medicaid back to the States.  Is there anyone left, who thinks after New York and New Jersey along with other States like Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Connecticut get done rebuilding from their recent hardships, that they will have funds left to care for the healthcare needs of their people if the Republicans repeal Obama care and send Medicaid back to the States while they get rid of the Federal governmental Agencies that protects all of us? Like everything else about Mitt Romney, he like every Republican before him will not tell us what he will replace it with but we should know it will be with private Industry making a generous profit and at added expense to all of us, because it is the Republican way to make sure it is always at the expense of the middle class.

As sad as it is to all of us, as a Nation, to know so many people are suffering and have suffered unimaginable lost, isn’t this a wake up call to all of us that “We do need Government in our lives?” When we hear men who belong to the Tea Party, such as Ron Paul say,”We shouldn’t have to pay for it because they lost their house,”doesn’t it make our skin crawl? Don’t we want government there for us when we face our next tragedy?  As Americans aren’t we all,” One Nation under God conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal with freedom and justice  for all?”

It is true that sometimes out of tragedy there often comes a reminder to all of us that we do need each other and it does take all of us pulling together with the help of our government, to come back better and stronger than ever.  This has been the focal point of the Obama/Biden campaign from the beginning, and they need to be thanked by all of us for not having lost sight of that message and for having led consistently and admirably by putting in the good fight for us, the American citizens.

When we forgot just how important it is that as Americans we all pull together, they never lost sight of the fact that we all are in it together, because we are Americans and that is what Americans do. They will continue to insist that we all play by the same rules from Wall Street to Main Street. We know we can trust their character as being real because they have earned our trust and lived our lives. They fight for us because they have not forgotten from where they came.

If you haven’t already voted for the candidates who will make certain that those who lead our government will be there to guarantee all of us our rights and freedoms as Americans, in a United Nation, then I urge you to make certain that you do. Vote!

Read Full Post »