Friendship And Irritations

Is it just me or don’t we all want our friendships to be kept on the lighter side of life? My experiences have been that if we do tell too many people our problems, as a rule, they will listen a couple of times, especially if they’re women as men will have a difficult time hearing it the first time, and then will tune us out.

Most of us are fortunate enough to have that one really good friend that we can discuss the most private thoughts to,(thats what our spouses or best friends, are for) and otherwise it is my opinion, that we all have burdens enough with problems that the true value of friendship lies in cheering each other up. As I have said before, I have deliberately complained and bitched, at times, just to get a manipulator out of my life when telling them “No” does not work.Nothing in my estimation will drive people away faster than an obsessive complainer.

We all have that friend or had that friend that will tell anyone who will listen, even strangers on the street or janitors at the school, about her or his disappointing or ungrateful or equally defaming words of a loser of a husband,wife,child,friend,neighbor,boss,parent,sibling, etc. and if we do try to offer some good constructive advice, they either have an excuse or ignor it anyway.The sad thing about people who do this, unfortunately, is often times there are people who are truly abused or abusive and it confuses all of us as to if it is a cry for help or a chronic habit.

Too many people do end up feeling dreadfully guilty if they find out later it was a cry for help, and we did not know that it was until our friend is brutalized. I certainly do not suggest that if we are truly friends that we ever desert anyone in a time of crises. Anyone that does will have a very difficult time, I think, in believing they do value friendship. I am talking about the people who want us to live their life for them to the point it becomes habit or interferes in our taking care of our own responsibilities.

Many people, who become comfortable being victims or playing the helpless role, will cry wolf over too many petty things sometimes that we do tend to tune out instead of offer help to those who truly do need our help. We need to lighten up with the understanding that friendship is about love,laughter, and good times, a great majority of the time, as well.

Speaking of petty:), a real pet peeve, I have, are the people who would not sacrifice their own effort an hour much less a week of their time without pay to do something patriotic for someone other than a friend or themself or their Church group, but instead will wear a flag pin in their lapel, everywhere they go to show their Patriotism. When they then tell me.”they hate all Muslims”, Or support those who “Gay Bash”, or say “profiling by the police is necessary for our Freedom and anyone who disagrees with that are just plain stupid”, while wearing the pin, I can’t help but think they are missing the point?

Isn’t Patriotism all about acceptance and sacrifices for and of our differences and diversity so that we all can enjoy Democracy and are willing to sacrifice through our actions? (A personal aside,it does explain to me why so many Republican and Tea Party Politicians appear to have a need to wear the pin while telling those we did elect, “Our way or the Highway.” How long will we the voters tolerate that–Flag Pin or no Flag Pin?)

How about the person that accepts our gifts or pictures and we find out they give them away to another person who we would just as soon not have it? Wouldn’t we all rather that they would be honest enough to tell us that they would just as soon not take it or give it back to us as to find out they gave it away?

You guessed it, my problem at the moment is,”Do I give back the flag pins or keep them and keep my mouth shut?” I’m certainly not such a fickle friend as to regift them or to have a friend’s feelings hurt because they find out I gave them to someone else. Anything to do with politics is probably not a good gift to give unless perhaps it has to do with that individuals own value system. Perhaps I will be able to keep them in the spirit of friendship.

Gifting in an effort to turn anothers’ political views, in my estimation, makes about as much sense as a White Supremist wearing their flag pins to denote their Patriotism. I’m sure I won’t join their club but at the moment I am having a hard time in saying thanks without feeling like a hypocrit, in the process, by being less than honest about how I do feel. People who live their convictions of Patriotism, like all else in life, do not need to advertise or stoop to the level of those who wear them out of a hate grudge. Sadly, the Patriotic Pins have become so much more than what they were intended to be because of those who do choose to hate.

The other thing that amuses me about friends are those who think it is fine to say something insulting but instead call it constructive criticism on how we dress, our views, our appearances and how we spend our time, whenever we see them, and then play the victim role when it comes to,”Why don’t you ever stop and see me anymore?”

Well folks this is my bitch for the day. That’s the good thing about writing a blog. We can truly tune it out if we do not recognize ourselves in it and simply not read it. Blogs aren’t in our face and most of them are nothing more than self expression.

The best friend any and all of us will ever have or can have is ourselves. No one on earth understands us just in quite the same way as we do understand ourselves and as long as we expect someone else to understand us in the same way, we are always going to be sadly disappointed.

To all of us then Cheers and give yourself a hug! The only advice that I will offer today is to take a good look in the mirror when you get a moment,as you should see your best friend looking back. Loneliness, like all emotions, derives from our own refusal to be the kind of person we would most want to spend time with. It only takes doing for others, being appreciative, and having a dog/cat greet us to learn just how significant we all are, if we cannot value ourselves and others as the person God loves.

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It Is Time To Be A Grownup

As someone, who went through screaming, tears, and general upset once Santa was exposed as a fraud in our home, I cannot express enough how important it is to tell grownups to be grownups, at the very least, during the Holiday season. The tree was never again put up unless my sister and I could find an axe and chop down a lonely tree somewhere in the region, the fudge and divinity no longer made and any gift was absent beyond that of what my dad gave to my mother. Each Christmas Eve became one of turmoil, because my father did not buy my mother the gift she felt entitled to receive. He would always buy practical instead of luxury and it would open the flood gates of hell.The family pictures taken, show the disappointment in the eyes of the children and are a lasting reminder as to how Christmas should never be spent, all these years later.

I’m sure it has everything to do with my believing that Santa is real and every act of kindness, done by we adults, to others is not only because of our spiritual need to express our love and gratitude to Christ and God but also to express our human side to mankind. Christmas, is indeed, a very miraculous time of year and it is important that we adults, do understand, it is about the children. Just as the Magi presented gifts to the Christ child, so should we present gifts to the children, granted us through God.

At no other time of the year, is it even wise to spoil our children, except their birthdays and during the holidays. If that means we don’t buy ourselves a new wardrobe just now,or lay off the egg nog, we still put up a tree or buy a gift, even though we may not feel like it, we do it anyway. The memories we are making now are not about us, but about our children and grandchildren. It is not about what your husband or wife, boy or girl friend, adult children gets you. During these financially difficult times, it is o.k., to spend what little we have on the children or grandchildren. I assure you, they will not be spoiled for life. Somehow I think both God and Christ would approve.

We adults need to keep Christmas in perspective but not by denying our own children the joy of Christmas or the Holidays. We can better watch the number of times we eat out instead of cook and how we are the example of dollars being wasted. In families where there is no money at all,draw an outline of a tree on the wall with string or thread, and have the children decorate the same with their own creations made of paper or glitter. Children need to feel that they are loved enough or important enough to know their parents will make an effort to make them feel the same. For what you spend on alcohol, use the money to buy a game the family can play, together, instead. Children know when they are poor today, unlike another time before tech and name brands were noticed, so the time you spend with them ,often times, is the best gift of all.

For those who will and do attend the Churches across America during the Holiday Season, remember children do not find the same sense of peace that we do in Church services. It takes all of us years to develope faith. To deny a child, their moment of joy, either with making them the center of attention, or gifting them with a warm coat, or new shoes, a full stomach, or yes even a toy, does us well to remember that Christmas is also about the type of grownup or human being we also are. To pay honor strictly to the spirituality and our needs and then to deny our children joy, speaks mountains of the kind of person we are not. Do not let your pride come before the generosity, being offered out of love to you and your children, by those Santa Claus amongst us, who wish to share our bounty with you. It is not a sin to be poor but it is unfair to deny our children happiness, when people are willing to help make it possible, out of love.

At no other time of the year, is there more good will towards men, more generosity and sharing given and done, and more thanks expressed amongst mankind. We grownups have both an opportunity to make warm and lasting memories for all children as well as a responsibility to make certain that all children know and feel they are a part of this enchanting time of, “peace on earth and good will towards men.” God Bless us all, man, woman, and child!

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Grieving During The Holidays

My heart goes out to all the people in the world who find Christmas and the Holidays a particularly difficult time of year. Most have broken up with someone special, lost a mate, parent or child and as bad as the coping is, the Holidays and everyone else’s cheer or lack of understanding, sometimes leaves us cold. Most just want to pull their heads into their covers and let the Season pass. It is important that you do take the time necessary to grieve and to go through the necessary steps of grieving, so please know, you all are in the thoughts of many of us this Season, who do care. Grieving, does not need guilt attached to it, so if you are not yet ready to enter the World to participate, please know many of us as well as your true friends, do understand.

For those of you who are,” sick and tired” of being “sick and tired” and ready to move on but are at a lost as to how to do it, I recommend the art of giving. Nothing will brighten your own outlook in life more than to reach out to a family, friend’s or neighbor’s child and to play Santa Claus in their life. This does not mean you have to dress up as Santa. It only means that you are the unknown who blesses a child with a gift they would never have received unless you had been generous. The Canadians have a nice Holiday called “Box Day” where they leave food or gifts on the step of a needy person and get away unrecognized. Whichever way would be fun for you,and if you do not wish to see anyone yet, this is a splendid way to make yourself feel better and to honor your loved one, while renewing a child’s innocent need to believe in the goodness of mankind.

If you do not feel comfortable being part of a Holiday celebration,bake cookies and leave them in the mailbox of a needy family, write a check in the memory of your loved one and put it is the bucket of the Salvation Army where the bell ringers are collecting donations. If you prefer to keep it private, then slip in cash anonymously. If you have extra money, go to a Department store and have toys, shoes or coats delivered. You can have a meal, a ham and the trimmings, or a pizza delivered after going to the restaurant and paying for it. If they do not deliver then perhaps a friend or taxi cab driver would be glad to deliver it for you. If someone you know has lost their job or been laid off, a few dollars in a envelope placed in their mailbox or shoved under their door, might go a long way with the utilities. Even if funds are limited, as long as we have our health,we all have a talent we can share, we can offer to carry a heavy load or offer a ride, we can shovel a sidewalk, or work in a soup kitchen.The only thing that limits us, in our giving, is our lack of imagination and desire.

Nothing heals a broken heart faster than knowing we put a smile on the face of a child who believes Santa Claus only comes to the rich boys or girls. You may not see the smile on the child or the warmth of the food in their stomach, but you can bet your loved one will. If it is loss through divorce then wouldn’t you’d rather a child was fed or “shouted out in glee” than your Ex fight over it? Wishing you all a recovery, in your own time and at your own pace! The time clock does not run on grief nor can anyone else tell you when it is over. Grief is as individual as we all are different. God Bless each and everyone of you!

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Bitter Is For Limes And Lemons

As we enter the Holiday Season, there will be the self-righteous and bitter amongst us, that will complain about using Happy Holidays over Merry Christmas because they are justified by their religious convictions, and yet others that will demoralize Santa as nothing more than a consumer hoax to get others to spend money and forget about the birth of Christ. The very mention of Hanukkah over Christmas will raise the hackles of others. The truth is no matter how we entertain or live this special time of year, it is about the children as well as the Christ Child. If we wish to tell the story of Jesus, light the candles, or play Santa in our homes or to others,I can’t help but think, that God who judges and Christ whose birthday it is, would be pleased we remembered to celebrate our Blessings from above. Afterall mankind, as a whole, can grasp more than one thought in a celebration, at a time, without being accused of being atheist, pagan or heathen, in doing so.

One of the greatest gifts, we all have received, along with the birth of Christ is our own unique differences.Not all celebration need be literal to another time or place either, as who can find complaint, about the spirit of giving through love? Isn’t that really the lesson our children are learning? It is a fine tradition to give thanks, make sacrifices for others, and to give of ourselves to those less fortunate than ourselves. It has been my experience, that people who go to little or no trouble beyond a few Christmas cards or who ban Christmas altogether, or perhaps hand over cash out of a sense of obligation,duty or image and often resent the same ,instead of going to the effort and joy of personal shopping and giving, are often the first to slam Santa. Some will never understand the spirit of, “Santa,” as many of them will openly hang onto the idea that Christmas has become too commercialised. There does appear to be a real bitterness found in these people who would criticize the Santa Claus believers. Often, not always, I have found they do lack empathy for others, beyond their own black and white self-righteous world.

Santa Claus is very much alive and real, carried often to the grave of many of us, who give of our time, love, and thought in the memory of God or Christ. One is not a commercial entity that separates itself from the other, just as people who drop coins or money into the buckets of the blind,limbless, and poor, often do understand. If you have never tried it,then please do. You will be surprised how often you hear the less fortunate giving praise and thanksgiving to their Maker, along with words like God Bless You!” or “We have been Blessed by God” if it were not for God’s guidance of you to us,”We would not have made it.” We who play Santa in the real world, soon realize, every action of the generous who gives anonymously and without expectations of return, comes back in the praise of our Redeemer. Rare is the person who receives, who does not credit God or Jesus. I’m sure Christ would not mind at all.

The white hair and beard, along with the jolly belly and reindeer, is simply,an image we pass onto our children who have a more privileged life than others, to entertain a child’s curiosity of giving. The child whose parents could never afford the bike, the pretty doll, or the loving teddy bear and who smells the ham baking, sees and knows another kind of Santa who makes the lives of these children miraculous for a day as well as sends them to bed with a full stomach, if they are Blessed enough to receive from the kindness of others.

These Santa’s never dress in red suits, or ride in sleighs and often are never seen in public. They are not gender biased, faith affiliated, or any certain race. They are the True Santa Claus, that live amongst us, regardless of the season. Whether we are rich or poor, sick or well, or happy or sad, once we take giving to heart, the deed itself will raise our own spirits and bring joy into our own lives. So this Holiday or Christmas Season, lay off of Santa and instead stay out of the shoe department for yourself sometime during the year, as bitter belongs in limes and lemons. If you have not already discovered the joy of giving or playing Santa, now is as good time as any to learn it. Feed a hungry child or gift a poor child, even if all you can afford are the children in your own family or neighborhood, and you will be jolly or Blessed all Season. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to us all!

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The Significance Of Self

We hear all the time, “unless we love ourselves, we cannot love others.” I do believe, in some cases, when we start out life we have love to give and, as such, we are capable of loving, without loving ourselves. I’ve heard people say,” that they are in love but they have not yet met the person that they are in love with.” In those cases I have always felt, probably due to their own behavior, that they were actually in love with themselves but did not recognize it as such. In my own case, I do know that I have loved everyone else, long before I recognized, that I loved myself. Some of us grow up confused as to what love really is as it has never been given to us unconditionally or we only felt love according to if our behavior met with approval or not.

There is no such thing as a mommy gene universally in all mothers. Many children grow up hearing,”we were an accident,the day we were born was the worse day of our mother’s life, or the only reason we were even born was because our mothers thought that they would go to hell if they used birth control”. Complicate that with parents who never tell us that we are loved, that are remote and cold while we are growing up, parents who profess to love us as we live in fear of being beaten on a daily basis, or have parents beating each other up and the whole ideal of love becomes totally misconstrued to the point that many are fearful to love or commit if that is what love really is. Often it takes years and years, before children growing up in these environments can even dare trust what we are feeling, is really love or if someone else that professes to love us, is sincere.

Every human being’s survival depends on being born selfish. If a baby didn’t cry until their needs were meant they would end up malnourished or ill. Most of us would sleep through, sometimes every hour and half feedings, because as all new parents can attest many times during a baby’s life we are so tired we are not always certain if we did wake up or if we slept through a feeding. It is a time of total and complete exhaustion, especially if one parent is doing it all alone. In many ways we never lose the need to be selfish. Some are just better at recognizing it than others. Every action we take from seeking friendship,to marriage, to what brings us joy is intertwined with our own needs being met, if we are honest with ourselves in acknowledging it.

What separates a selfish person from a giving person is innate to their character, if I was to hazard a guess. It explains why one twin can be selfish while another generous, even when raised identically to each other, including the same punishment being meted our to both simultaneously, regardless who is to blame. If it is not genetic then the genetic make-up that drives perception,in my opinion, has to play a role. Where one saw injustice for the punishment they did not cause, another accepted the same as being normal or had the capacity to block pain or go into denial whereas the other didn’t or maintained reality.

Many children will block out their childhood if it was too bad or separate from it emotionally while others never forget and relive the nightmare for life. Abuse alters and changes a person’s personality, entirely, from who or whom they would have been, otherwise. That includes people who tell their children they were not wanted and verbally abuse their children. I’ve heard parents tell their children that they were an accident, in jest, and watched the child’s facial expression crumble. I think sometimes we adults are immune to teasing and lose sight of what effect it has on our children. Many times that same teasing can send our children off to bully others, if they take it literally, as many do. Some children will totally overlook or block abuse where as others can be haunted all their lives and I’m not sure anyone understands for certain,why?

I have absolutely no regrets that I came late to the table, as far as loving everyone else, before I recognized my love of myself, because it is the reason I now gather so much pleasure and enjoyment out of my life. If every action I ever did was as a conscious reaction on my part to do or give because I would get something back as a result of it, I’m sure I would feel much more guilt or discomfort with what damage I occurred to myself, now that I am limited in what I can do for others.

I am a sincere believer in the reality that everything that we do for others without expectation or return or without telling the world about our charity is returned to us here on earth. If we use it to improve our own image or to get an, “atta girl/boy” or to fulfill some need of our own we can sometimes end up in anger,hurt or mistrust because we assumed and when our assumptions do not prove out then we get angry or hurt about it. On the other hand, those of us that give without expectations, quickly learn the value of doing so brings with it, its own reward, even miracles. I don’t even have to explain that to those of you who do know, what I mean when I say it.

If we never know or understand ourself and the reasoning behind why we did what we did or do what we do, we can become really bitter with life and mistreat others. Once we know the true damage, we do to both ourselves and others, exist is because of our own assumptions then we can learn better ways to give of our self and time or choose not to. Except of course when it comes to paying taxes and I would hope we all appreciate the fact that Democracy gives us enough, so we can at least do that much. When gifting is a choice and we are constantly resenting doing anything for someones else, all of us would much rather you did nothing instead of listen to your constant bitching or sign carrying protest.

The significance of self is, to know ourselves, well enough so we bring both hope and joy to others or we take blame so we don’t make the rest of our family,work staff, group, or America in general, miserable right along with us. Listen to the way people and media are talking. We have to ask ourselves why children bully? Give us a break! As the old cliché goes,”If you have nothing good to say then say nothing, at all.”

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Showing Our Kids Love, By Saying”NO”

When the soldiers came back from World War II we welcomed them as the heroes that they were. It was the first generation of women that worked out of the home. Many worked in plants to keep Industries running while their husbands were off to war. When the men came home some women found that they liked having jobs and incomes of their own while others went back to the kitchens. America could not throw up the small clapboard row houses fast enough. We think that families have always owned their homes but it was not true prior to this time in America. Homes were primarily owned by the wealthy and the rest of the Country worked for the Company store and rented or lived three generations in one home.

It was also the first generation to say they wanted to give their kids more than they had. Prior to this children were born to help out parents in the company businesses or on the farms and were expected to work in order to pay back their parents for feeding and clothing them or help parents earn the family income. Each generation since has been given,more and more and more.

I doubt it would hurt, if we did start saying,” we want to give and show our kids love by saying “no” to their every want, in some cases, because the truth is many of us got too much and now do not have a clue of what the difference between a need and a want is,ourself. How many of us for instance, have a ten pound bag of flour and sugar in our own homes and can bake from scratch? Know that hair permanents and nails can be done at home or massages and spas are not common around many homes in America? Gas ovens and televisions in each room are not needs?

I certainly do not recommend that we parents that give our children everything, deprive ourselves of the rewards of our own doing, because in many instances, parents do that naturally for their kids,anyway. I do believe our children need to hear that becoming adults and accepting responsibilities does mean we earn our rewards. If we all looked around our own homes, and asked ourselves, would we know what is a need as versus a want? Would you know the difference? Did you name the house, itself, since rentals are going left unwanted and home ownership has never been a guarantee but instead should be provided strictly on our own ability to provide and budget? The government has never owed us private ownership of a house at anytime in Democracy.

Although, most of us no longer abuse our children with beatings, we have developed a new form of abuse, and that is showing our love through material goods and in some cases,false expectations. Don’t you think when your children look around their homes and hear,”I want to give my children more than I had” they must be totally lost as to what it is we don’t have? Isn’t it time that we tell our kids “no” because we want you to have both the honor and privilege of feeling a sense of accomplishment for having earned what you have. We love you enough to say, “No” might not be a bad idea for a new phrase to replace the old tired and tried phrase, “we want you to have more than we had.” In many cases when children have everything, we rob both their natural drive and ambition, from them. How many of us are aware that 1/3 of the prison population were the kids that were not told “No”? Is it any wonder that we are finding out that our children have less self-esteem as civilization advances?

In giving them everything, we also rob their creative spirits as well. We have children not unlike robots or zombies that become incapable of making in-depth or considerate, respectful, decisions or very lacking in common sense. When they have everything, doesn’t that leave drugs and alcohol, as the only things that they are being denied? Don’t you think that would have as much appeal to them as say, the apple had for Adam and Eve? I personally think, going way back then, mythology was teaching us the lesson of what happens to mankind, when they have everything and are only denied one thing, don’t you?

I’m thinking it might not be a bad idea for me, grandma, to take to heart as well, before I get all of my Christmas shopping done. Then again the kids do put their foot down, and it is the only time of the year that I do get to spoil?????…………………Not so easy done as said. Enjoy your day, everyone.

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Staying Up For An Old Dog

No I am not talking about my husband, although over the 41 years of our marriage, I have waited up many a night for him to get home from sports activities, meetings, golfing, bowling, hunting, or boy’s night out. I am talking literally here. I am talking about our dog. As people and their pets age they need to get up more often to visit the privy or to go outdoors. It’s a kidney thing that happens to all of us as we get older.

I am somewhat and always have been, a night owl, anyway. If I had not developed a problem earlier in life, with getting comfortable due to an injury problem, I probably would not wait up at night to let my good and loyal pal out to relieve himself. I would do like others and put him on new papers for the night. I do not want to relay the idea that I am totally out of my mind or some kind of a saint that would relinquish their sleep on a nightly basis to spare their husband sleep or to let an old dog out to whiz. Even though I do wait up to do just that. It is not unusual to find myself up, occasionally yet, at 4:00 in the morning waiting for the dog to come out.

I wrote about him previously, and of his having a nervous breakdown when we left him at the vets while my husband and I took a trip out to see our daughter. He was a birthday gift to my husband and he has proven to be quite loyal to both of us. He spreads himself around quite nicely making sure he does not over use one of us over the other. Quite unusual for a dog, as most are a one person pet, and protective towards one member of the family as versus both. He is my duty, during the day and my husband’s job at night. He makes certain he hangs with us in our spots according to the terms he has made for himself.

When our daughters graduated College and both were close to heading out to seek their fortune I bought the dog for my husband for a birthday gift. He had the responsibility of having to put down another family dog and had sworn off all dogs for life. Needless to say he was not too enthused when my youngest daughter and I went and got him a new puppy for his birthday.

That lasted for 72 hours and the dog won him over. He is a toy cocker spaniel which is a cross between the Japanese Chin and the cocker spaniel and was a reject of his family as he could not get papered due to an underbite so when he smiles, he really does smile, he looks like he is ferocious and about to bite.

I wanted a dog that I could spoil and did not have to discipline as I hated that part of parenting and set out to spoil the new member of our family rotten. The dog ended up proving to me the need to discipline as just like children need guidelines and discipline so do pets. I realized I would do a much greater disservice to him if I did not discipline him and make him fit to visit our children’s homes as well as motel rooms.

He almost died on us with colitis this past winter as his grieving for us became so great when we boarded him, so I am delighted to announce that he is back to walking his three miles with my husband, unless it is too hot, and doing just fine as far as jumping on any piece of furniture he cares to sleep on. As of May he was 15 human years of age so if I miss out on a little sleep to let him out at night I figure it is no less than what he would do for me if he had the ability. Although many peope will not tell you this, many of us us that will admit it, will tell you once we get past a certain age, we nod off in our chairs enough to make up for the sleep lost anyway. He is one of those dogs that if you are lucky enough to find one in a life time, then you are lucky enough.

I can’t say enough to all of you, who are responsible and kind-hearted enough and have never had a pet, but are feeling as though your life is missing something, the amount of joy or pleasure a pet will give you in your life. If you find you have love to give, are appreciative of your own life and want to share your life with someone that is both loyal and safe to share your time with then consider getting a pet. Millions of them need people like you.They are a terrific cure for empty nest syndrome. Make sure before you do visit your local animal rescue center though that you are willing to give up both your time and have the means to care for them if they get sick and have medical expenses.

Animal rescue does not have time or the resouces to educate you on the care of a pet so be sure you know if you are ready to add another member to your family. If you can love without reserve you can care for a pet. As loyal as a dog is they are also as helpless as a child so they will need the commitment for their entire lifetime, from you. Our cities are filled with feral dogs running wild because people brought dogs home and were not willing to give them the care they deserved. Don’t add to the problem if all you want is a companion that you are not willing to give back to through sacrifice when needed. On the other hand if you are ready to add to your life more power to you!

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“She Was The Person, We Could All Lean On”

If the title reminds you of someone who you either are or know I would caution you to tune into the needs of either yourself or the person you are leaning on. There is only so far anyone can stretch themselves before it starts taking a toll on their or your own happiness, health and well-being.

It is a wonderful place to be in when we are young and full of energy because giving of ourself to others is rewarding, however, I would caution all of you that it also can and does lead to burn-out. We see it often in nursing staffs and teachers that start out wanting to give all they have, only to end up frazzled and burnt out. They go from the cheerful and uplifting ,many times to the grumpy and indifferent.

Family and friends also turn to people who are willing to give of themselves to only end up saying,”what happened to her? She use to be so easy-going and carefree and now she seems like she doesn’t even care.” If any of this sounds familiar to you then do something for the person you are thinking of or speaking of, not tomorrow but today. The truth is you are quickly using this generous person’s time and patience up. You would be surprised at how far respect, appreciation, and gratitude goes. A simple thank you for always being there will go much further than a shared glass of wine.

If you value her at all, you will take time to acknowledge her. Do not think that your one-act of kindness justifies her many, many, efforts and time spent on you. If you take her out to eat and it includes yourself, it will not be seen as an act of kindness done for her. It needs to be something that she has done for you that gets returned to her, without including yourself.

If it is a neighbor or a man then the same applies. People all are born busy, regardless of how you justify it to yourself. Not only do these people have as much to do as you do, many of them have much more than you do, as they are not just busy and concerned about you and your problems, they are doing the same with many others and that you can be certain of, always.

If instead you are of the attitude or thinking, “If she does not want to do it, she is a big girl, she can say no.” or “No one is putting a gun to her head and forcing her to do it” or “I can’t mistreat her without her permission”,rest assured, you are a selfish ass, to put it bluntly. Perhaps it would be kinder to say thoughtless or uncaring? What you may be thinking and saying, may be true, but she hasn’t yet seen through you. It is just a matter of time that she does, and you will lose possibly the only person in your life, that loved and accepted you for nothing more than you being yourself.

These are rare friends to find and the most worthy of keeping. Take a moment to ask yourself, “if you have or had such a person in your life?” We all did or do, and no I am not talking about our mothers, as mother’s love is or should always be, unconditional. I am not discounting all the mothers that do their commitment well or telling anyone to take them for granted, I simply am not including them in this post. Making people happy is a gift that many other people have as well, when we don’t have the same gift, and we are all Blessed when we are wise enough to know we had or have one of these angels in our life. If you’re half as smart as you think you are, you will correct it before it does go from have to had. Have a good day all!

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Bargains Are Wonderful When Not Given As Gifts

If you read my previous blog I would like to stress that we all like a bargain and I am no different than anyone else. I am simply against them when it comes to a birthday or Christmas gift. For instance to buy a day old birthday cake for someone’s birthday simply because you get a bargain on it is very tacky. To buy a book from the book bend because it is cheap and looks good but has nothing to do with the interests of the person you are giving it to for Christmas, is just plain cheap. To regift, unless it is being done in deliberate humor and was given in the same light, is always tacky.

No one is more turned off than I am by the person that deliberately buys Gucci when all they can really afford is Payless. The other being people that deliberately knowingly buy gucci rip offs just because they want to establish an image. I think I speak for all of us when we say if it is something that the receiver genuinely enjoys and you get it from Sam’s Club rather than a High End store that is fine with me. Most gifts that do come from the heart are appreciated.

I can for instance, because I am interested in collecting antiques as is my oldest daughter, gift her with a bargain for her birthday if it is a piece that she has been hunting for and has not been able to find. On the other hand to use my other daughter’s birthday to give her antiques is really tacky, as it is my interest but not her’s at all.

Some people have to have the name brand, designer item and if you have that kind of person on your shopping list then I would recommend that you not buy then at Payless or Sam’s Club. Believe me, you cannot take off the tag and apply another and think that they do not know the difference. There is something that they see that the rest of us don’t and they do know the difference. I would not have a problem if that is the case, if you then bought something that she/he would like as they have expressed what they would like, from that store, and it was on sale.

People like to pat themselves on the back and feel superior than thou, by making statements like,”Christmas has gotten so materialistic”, or “People miss the whole point of Christmas by buying gifts.” In my experience these are usually the same people that are not going to buy gifts for anyone anyway. They simply try to take the moral high road to justify their own lack of making the effort to give someone else their special due by actually shopping for them and lifting the spirit of loved ones regardless of the occasion. Those of you that never give as well as those that only give because they feel as though they are being embarrassed into doing so are easilly recognized by those of us that do enjoy a generous nature.

Much in the same way the person that pretends to enjoy giving and deliberately spends time gifting only to ask for it all back in time, labor, or larger gifts are obvious to those of us that have no strings attached, when we give. I won’t give away our secrets entirely when it comes to recognizing this type of person, but suffice it to say, not always, but as a rule, if we really think about it, the gift we receive may be disguised into something that we might enjoy but it has a lot more to do with saying, “See me” this is about me.

There are always clues as to why this type of person is gifting us. I have found that the sooner we nip the gifting in the bud, the sooner their ire raises and the retaliation begins. They will always disguise it to another person as being hurt when in truth they are very angry as they have always used their gifts to control or manipulate others. This type of person is not giving a gift but rather giving a present. A gift is something we give because it gives us joy to give and we have no expectations of anything in return. A present is given, on the other hand, because the person giving it expects something in return for giving it to you.

A person that really enjoys giving will many times give annoymously in that the right hand does not know what the left hand is doing. This is the person in the group or family that helps out even when it costs them time or money. This is the person that no one even knows what they are doing to gift or help out in the group or family until the receiver starts back stabbing them. They then sometimes will explain themselves, simply to defend the reason they have knowledge of the person doing the talking.

It almost always is the receiver that begins the debate as once they get stronger or are not getting what they want by manipulating the person they move onto the one that they can more likely get what they want. In otherwords, they have worn out their welcome.

I hope this explains then that what a person pays for a gift that comes from the heart and is about the receivers’ interests and wants never needs to have the price divulged. To do so is tacky. However if you are faking it more times than not, people use to giving can see through it. I can’t wait to find my next bargain but it won’t be given as a gift to anyone that does not share my interests in it. Bargains are a true pleasure for those of us that really enjoy getting them for ourselves as well as not using them to control others! Have fun shopping but always remember cash only as well as expenses and savings first!

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I Am Not a Mind Reader!

When I was raising teenagers I muttered this phrase on many occasions. I would do or not do or buy something that was not according to what my children wanted or needed. Many times as a family, we would take each other for granted and assume our behavior would meet with approval without first discussing the matter with each other, or they would tell me to tell Dad or my husband would tell me to tell the girls and they would get upset and the phrase would come out of my mouth,”Tell your children or tell your Dad as I am not a mind reader.” The other one that comes to my mind as a mother is, “Tell the girls yourself or tell Dad yourself.”

Over the years we have all grown up but I do believe the inability in families to communicate what they want or need still is the major reason for hurt feelings or misunderstandings that can and does blow up into much worse situations. As our girls aged they use to laugh about the petty or minor things my husband and I would argue over and looking back, in hind sight we could also find the arguments to be humorous, as well. Rarely do any of us argue over the things that really bother us. Most of our arguments were as a result of the fact that my feelings were hurt because my husband in my estimation could not read my mind. At the time though, I simply thought he was insensitive, It took years before I realized what role I played in my own upset.

As a child I remember many of our Christmas Eve’s in my parents’ home being a disaster. My Father would ask my mother what she wanted for Christmas and she would always tell him. “If I have to tell you what I want then it won’t be romantic so get me what you think I would want.” It never was what she wanted and there would be hell to pay with her screaming and crying because it wasn’t what she wanted. It reached the point that I don’t think any of us kids even wanted a gift just as long as Dad would buy Mom what she wanted. Anyway I remember, that I felt that way.

So why is it then that we fall into the habit of insisting that members of our own families, who we love dearly, read our minds? It took me years of hurt feelings before it dawned on me that I was only hurting my own feelings by being noble and saying that it was o.k. just as long as you are here I will be happy. For the most part it was true but then they had lives and moved distances and were not always able to make it home but I still remained noble. I would always make sure to do thoughtful things for others and then get my own feelings hurt because they would not return the same favor for me.

I don’t need the “romantic” thing anymore, as all I needed or wanted was to be heard or have my feelings considered. I finally realized that when I was being noble people were taking me at my word and doing nothing. My girls,husband, and grandkids all tell each other what we would like to have for birthdays and Christmas and yes it may take the surprise element or the romantic element out of it but it also ends the disappointment and the expectations or assumptions that others think or feel like we do.

We all know for a fact by doing it this way, that none of us are mind readers. Try it sometime as you will be amazed at how many arguments or hurt feelings it does spare. In cases when it comes to clothing or grandchildren ever changing tech wants then we just give each other cash or the entire family goes to the store while the grand children pick it out. We always reserve a few smaller surprises but as my grandson says, “Thats o.k. Grandma as if it is something we do not want, we just take it back.”

So many people reach the point of regifting to the point they end up giving a gift back to someone that they originally received it from without being aware of it. Others pride themselves on the fact that they are sooooo good at knowing what people want that they do not even have to ask the person they are buying the gift for. Worse yet when someone else asked them what they wanted they were too shy to speak up so left the person giving the gift in the position that they had to guess or the other possibilty are the many people that are bargain shoppers.

You then are the one that I write this for as a gentle reminder. I had a brother-in-law buying me books that were so boring that I’m sure no one else ever read them, so they were most likely always a bargain. Those gifts that get regifted are done so for a reason. If it is what no body wants or needs, then trust me. you or no one else are getting a bargain, even when it is free. We should not be so materialistic that a rotten gift destroys our birthday or Christmas celebration, but let’s face it, my mother wasn’t the only person that reacted poorly when she got what she didn’t want.

I hope this answers the question that some of you might of had, as to why my birthdays go like clock work and I spend the day in the manner that I most enjoy. I simply realized that my loved ones were no more a mind reader than I was and started telling them what I wanted. In the past I would say something like, just your company or a nice card would be fine.

No more! Now my day is as important as everyone elses is and it is amazing at how much more loved, I feel. I finally do feel as though I am being heard and always had been before, but I expected people to ignor me when I said I wanted nothing and surprise me anyway. When they did as I asked them to, then my feelings got hurt and little did I know that I was the one that was destroying the romance and getting hurt because they did hear what I said and reacted accordingly, as they could not read my mind any better than I could read theirs. This is not to be mistaken for the people in our lives who buy gifts and it cost us ten times more when we accept them than if we tell them, “please no gifts” and truly mean it. Not all gifts are welcomed and it is our place to make the difference clear.

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