Setting Standards In Our Life

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

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When Life Works And Mainly It Does

I’ve written mainly on the problems that exist in life and marriage because we as a Society often times spend entirely too much of our time living in denial or inventing a fantasy land that does not exist.

Men and women are simply different in the way they approach life and how they perceive people. When a woman is complaining many times it is just a mechanism to relieve a stressful day but often men feel they are complaining because they are looking for or asking for a solution to a problem. Because of this difference alone, so many times, problems will erupt in the communication of the couple and it is neither right or wrong or anyone’s fault when it does. It is simply the difference in how men approach life as versus what a woman is reacting to.

I am always amazed to hear women complaining over something in their mate which is nothing more than the man’s simple attempt to show his wife that he hears her and wants to help. I have heard women go on and on about something that is nothing more than a man’s interpretation of how to deal with a situation where as the woman is not looking for a solution but rather complaining for the sake of complaining. I have a difficult time myself, understanding what it is that makes some women happy as versus what she truly is needing. I think all of we women can agree to this ourselves that our sisters can be and are moody if not down right bitchy, but instead we tend to group together and get our feelings hurt because a man does not understand us.

Most marriages work because we do fall into a comfortable routine eventually and accept the differences between the sexes. Men as a whole do not batter their wives and not all women nag their husbands to death. So many couples actually start resembling each other in their appearances and their mannerisms. If we are mature enough to accept the differences in our lives while respecting the need for space in both ourselves as well as our spouse, then marriage can be and is one of the best things that will ever happen in our lives.

We do many times start the marriage out with our lovers and kindred spirits and fall into a life of enjoyment and successes sprinkled with failures with our best friends. As we advance in our years, once we do understand that all marriages sometimes do need breathing room, separate interests, and equal priorities while attaining and reaching our goals together, we will find that we do become almost mirror images of each other internally if not externally. A good marriage makes both of us better people.

Recently I had a friend visit and she said she had spent the last 20 years of her life convinced she hated her husband and was only staying with him because they were at long last building their dream home. Their marriage had started out very rocky with him being abusive until she put her foot down and he quit the bad behavior. As we visited over the period she was here, I noticed she often said ,”That must be a man thing” when my husband and I were talking.

It was, with surprise to me, that before she left, she had diagnosed her own problem through watching our marriage. She announced to me, she felt she could go back and have a friendship with her husband who she thought she had hated for the last 20 years. I was delighted for her and asked what had made the difference.

She said she has been in a rut for years now talking with two of her sisters who were both her best friends and all they do is compare notes on who has the worse husband of the 3. After watching my husband, who is just a big teddy bear, she realized that her husband for the last 20 years had been reaching out to be her friend and it had been her that had read in ulterior motives or was only looking to find fault. She felt if she started talking about what is right in her marriage perhaps she could save it after all. Sometimes solutions in life are just that simple.

People can be highly suggestive or subjective and many times we will see where one friend becomes restless and bored so does the other. This is just as true in men as it is in women. It is not uncommon to see three couples split up following the first couple of the group breaking up. It is not just children who submit to suggestions as well as peer pressure. Marriage rquires maturity and that does not always come with specified numbers or age.

When we watch the program “hoarders” so many of the people acknowledge that they began hoarding when their mothers died. Truly these were people who never learned how to let go, as realistically we all know that our parents as a rule, will die before we will and yet if mothers do not enforce the untying of the apron string or we do not take the initiative to let go emotionally, the grieving becomes more difficult that it should be.

Marriage is about turning to each other and working through our life’s struggles together. If it is not working then perhaps we need to understand that the two of us are not communicating without finding fault and passing blame and get the necessary professional help that we need.

The bad thing about divorce is that we not only give up our future together we also give up our past. So many will remarry the same person that they just divorced without the shared history that made their first marriages wonderful. Just like my friend noted, “she was stuck in a group of negative women” that found their strength on what was wrong instead of what is right. It is not unusual at all to hear couples say they make much better friends than they made lovers when they were married and not even realize that when most couples divorce they also give up their groups that often times led to or influenced the discontent amongst them.

(Please note this does not apply to marriages or relationships that are both abusive or adulterous. In both these cases blame must be shouldered or it will be repeated. The person doing both the abuse or having affairs has already broken the vows)

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The Heartache of Abuse: People Who Protect

Abuse of an innocent child, woman, or minority is difficult enough to deal with but it is magnified ten times by the people who protect the abusers. The question is why do people find it necessary to protect abusers and what is behind their drive to do so?

Those of us that have experienced abuse may be in time able to rationalize the sickness that drove these people to abuse but to find that they are protected and we are called liars is where the pain of abuse becomes totally unjust. Many of us that have confronted the abusers only end up to find that the cop that has a long history of abuse in the Department,is protected and found innocent by internal affairs; the child reports the father or grandfather and the mother calls them a liar and leaves them alone with Dad or Grandpa to continue the abuse; the child reports the school official and their peers mock and bully them; the child reports their minister or priest and their parents call them liars while the Bishops send them elsewhere to offend again.

We are talking about millions of lives that get destroyed by the true liars amongst us who are not just the abusers but the people who deny the abuse happened or know it happened, and lie about it. When an abuser is protected then neither the abuser or the abused get the help that will ultimately help heal the pain of the offense.

What drives these people who protect the abusers if it is not some selfish or mean spirited reason on their part? Be it reputation of the family, police department, school, or Church or some other sinister reason of money,power or position gained or lost? Reality should tell us that there is no real reason that abusers should be protected that we can morally justify.

Unfortunately, the people who could have helped and saved a child, woman, or minority will never be contacted and instead the victim will many times turn to alcohol, drugs, prostitution, or other destructive means that include making poor spouses as well as choices because they become workaholics or spendaholics or victims of other abusers. Ultimately the victims will go to one relationship after another to only find the approval or support that they should have gotten from the people responsible to protect them.

Not only do these people protect the abuser and call the abused liars many times they will complain about the victims attitudes or report them as cranks, hysterical,enemies of justice, evil, or ban them from the family, school, or Church. No one can be expected to heal appropriately unless the abusers admit and ask for forgiveness of their role in the abuse and that rarely happens as long as the abusers’ protectors are supporting the abuser. If you are currently protecting an abuser or have protected them for years then know the consequences of the abuse will ultimately be paid for by you.

The truth will not be denied, trampled on or buried. Truth does win out and the victim many times becomes the prosecutor. Much truth comes from the old cliché’, “What goes around comes around.” The sad thing is, many times the victims are as eager to forgive the abuser as the abuser is to apologize, but the protectors of the abusers render it impossible to ever happen as many times the protectors belittle the victim further by convincing the abuser that they are the innocent ones. As I have said before, “If we want justice then we must first give justice.”

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Recovering From Guilt: Battered Women

One thing that stands out and is prominent, in the women that I have experienced, as having been battered by their husbands is the guilt that they carry as a result of the combination of being told that they are worthless and the fact that the churches tell them to try harder to be a better wife. The responsibility of having caused a damaging cycle of guilt has rarely been placed on the shoulders of the men responsible for destroying the psyche of these women.

I do not fully understand why these women do carry and wear the cloak of guilt other than they become so brain washed into believing they are inferior and the responsibility for harmony in their homes lies on their shoulders. In our Society, due to the Jewish-Christian up bringing, we do hold women responsible for the behavior of the children as well as the success of the marriage.

In a faith-based system of taking the Bible literally, that should be a contradiction of itself, as in the Bible it is clearly spelled out that Fathers who spare the rod spoil the child. Lets face it, when a man is beating his wife and it usually follows children, they are and should be held responsible for the hell the whole family is experiencing. Instead, we as a society,tend to excuse the men and blame the women.

In one of my previous posts I wrote,”when did anger become an acceptable excuse?” The truth is, it has always been used and justified when applied to men, regardless, if we are in a Church or a Court of law. Anger and striking out in anger has always been the difference between murder 1 and manslaughter in the eyes of our justice system and becomes the difference between spending 4 to 6 years in jail as versus the death penalty.

For years, in our Puritan established society, a wife was the property of a man and he could not be charged for either rape or assault no matter how badly he mistreated his wife. That was, “a man’s business and none of ours”. Any mention of the same generally was swept under the rug as late as the 1970′s and in some rural areas even, later. Although, it is now against the law and a criminal offense in all the States, the theory still is played out in many areas of our Country, that it still is none of our business.

Now that we know the reason women that are battered carry guilt is because they are being told by both the men in their lives inside and outside of their Churches the responsibility is theirs’, most of us would ask,” shouldn’t it be natural that the battered women recognize the injustice of it all and seek out counseling?”

In order for women or any adult to be subjugated to abuse, first of all, their natural reaction towards self-protection and survival has to be removed. In doing so by battering them or placing fear in them, they become totally and 100% dependent on these men. In a few cases, women will set back and watch their own child get beaten and feel relief that it is not them that are being hit. In other cases, the abusers teach the children to mistreat their mothers and get them to side with them by buying them favors to encourage the mistreatment of their mothers, so that they feel they must be at fault as not even their children will side with them. In so many ways these women if they divorce or stay in the marriage will carry the wounds into their old age still feeling worthless and the mistreatment will continue until one of them loses the energy to hit or they die.

Battered women are not a phenomena that just happens. They are made. There is something in the sick mind of the men that treat women this way that should be treated and recognized by an early age but since we have given men the excuse of anger being justified it follows that boys also are able to use it as an excuse. When any human is mistreated and bantered they lose all ability to protect themselves beyond what they are told to do. We recognize this in prisoner of war camps and yet refuse to open our eyes to the fact that many families are living this same tragedy in their homes on a daily basis.

For a woman to recover from guilt it will take the support of an entire village from neighbors, to friends, to family, to Churches pointing out to her that the problem lies in the sickness of men that have been excused from taking responsibility for their own sick behavior from the beginning of time. There is not a thing that she can do or could have done to heal the sickness of the man who professed love and then set out to destroy her. Even anger management classes statistically show failure over success when these men do seek help.

It is time that we as a Nation, wake up to the fact, that many times these were not weak women that were destroyed but women as strong and capable as the rest of us, who were treated no different from prisoners of war, who are the bravest amongst us, and yet many of them, will crack under the constant pressure of abuse. It is when we as a society, quit using the Bible to judge others, that we will allow common sense, the place it deserves in the lives of all of us. If we want justice for ourselves then we must first give it to others.
(Please note: Hopefully I have been able to change all the banter for battered. If not I apologize. It does not always pay to rely on spell-check. I will repeat that 10 times now and thank you for having endured it)

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What We Need To Know About Family

What goes missing in the knowledge of a great many families, is the fact that when we do grow up and meet and marry our mates, all of us will begin on a different path of thinking. As a couple we learn to keep part of our environment and early childhood training while mixing in with the training and knowledge of the environment of our mates.

In doing so, siblings almost immediately will separate in their thinking as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in their own belief systems. When you add the dysfunctions, that all families have and both keep some and rid yourself of others, there is bound to be hurt feelings along with misunderstandings.

There is always a huge gap between how one family lives as versus how another family lives. Add into it the cultural differences of the locals in which we reside and those differences increase all the more. This is the number one reason when we do marry that couples must let go of what they have been taught and accepted and agree on what they will teach and accept.

Mom, Dads and oldest siblings can no longer be the voice of how the new couples will live their lives. Out of mutual love and respect for each other and in the interest of the new couple we do need to know and accept that their way of reaching their goals will not always mesh with our own thinking. The more the new couple can join together between the two of them and accept what they can and cannot live with, between the two families, the stronger their marriage will become.

When traveling America, there are huge cultural gaps. There also are large gaps in the difference between how both rural as verses urban operate and think. In the Early history of America, young and old migrated to America. Many would make it to the East Coast and stay in the region while other members of the family would migrate South or West. It was not uncommon for those that stayed on the East coast to live sometimes 3 generations in the same home. Many times the generations also remained intact in their migration South. Since the West was viewed as lawless it took a real streak of independence to head West.

Those same differences exist today across America. What is odd in one region may be normal in another. In the “breadbasket of America” many men on the East Coast would be viewed as real Mama Boys and rude as hell. On the other hand the people of the “bread basket” would strike the East Coast as being backward and lower class. The further West people go of the “Heartland or “Breadbasket” they will find people more inclined to invest in leasure, along with more tolerance for differances in lifestyles. As always, there are exceptions to any generalities, I make, especially where the Mormon influence is felt. The most important thing for people to set as their own priorities, is what kind of relationship will extended family have in our life, as it is bound to go through the changes required, for our own survival as well as happiness?

When we balance the attitudes of the urban with the rural we have another whole can of worms. To live off the land has always required a huge amount of independence as many times it is just man and Nature competing and it takes the patience of Jobe along with a positive understanding of the entire family joining together to make it work against Mother Nature when she turns violent. Many times family are not blood relatives in the “breadbasket”, due to the young leaving home, and it becomes an adopted family or community pulling together. For this reason alone, in many places of the “breadbasket” a persons word is still their contract. Character has to be the value of a person and their word is their character.

On the East Coast to believe anyone will repay you or keep their word simply on a handshake is laughable to them. Mankind rather than Nature is their enemy. It takes family watching their backs in order to survive, in many cases. The cynicism runs high.They are competing against everyone from the minute they hit traffic to the time they look for a parking place to getting on the trains to return home at night. What is considered rude is just the way they are and people who work together are going to yell at each other and that is what family does, is common to their thinking. No one would consider it irreverent or abusive.

So long story short, without getting close to explaining cultural differences in thinking, food, living, and beliefs, and their effects on us as individuals, when siblings separate or leave home the difference will be quite traumatic in some families and lead to dispute after dispute. This is both true if family remains together in a tight location or if they live great distances from each other. The important thing is for each of us, without criticizing the others, figure out how our own lives can be filled with gratitude and appreciation for the parents that gave us birth and how we can best maintain it. Even if sometimes the only way we can maintain both is from a distance.

It then becomes up to each individual to what extent they want to hang together as a family and criticize each other or to what extent they decide to maintain their own peace of mind by understanding the family that they have joined together. In non-argumentative families, where the differences and lifestyles are few, it is possible to remain healthy by joining together both and all of the generations. In others, where communication is replaced by taking or giving orders,rudeness and a sense of superiority, it can become a cancer on the well-being of our own peace of mind. Especially when we have been intent on throwing out that particular dysfunctional behavior in our own lives. It’s a choice that will need to be reached by each individual and judged by none, as we reach our own personal happiness and accomplish our goals.

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“Who Died And Made You Boss?”

Think about it for a while. What have you done with your own life that makes you the authority on everyone else’s life? Look around yourself. Did you ever have or make goals for yourself? If so, how many of them did you accomplish? Aren’t you offering advice to someone who has done as well or better than you have despite their own limitations in life? What about you, were you ever challenged with limitations? Is the truth that you don’t know or aren’t sure because you never tried to find out?

Each generation has an obligation to improve on the next. How have you done?Have you added to Society or have you just existed in Society? Are you and have you been your only real interest? Have you elected others to be your heroes in your life so you could excuse yourself from doing the same? What have you done with the knowledge that you have gained other than use it to judge, manipulate or bully others? How many threats or excuses have you had to make, in order to manipulate or control another person? Did you act on it by mistreating others,lying about others, manufacturing stories, or just in general being an absolute bitch or jerk?

Now you know why I say that if we would all stop criticizing other people we share our lives with:employees,employers, groups,boy/girl friends, spouses, children, religions, and extended family members and expecting them to behave in the manner we would want them to, life would be fairly simple.

We would be able to trust their capacity to be their own conscious, to delegate authority, and to in general be the bosses of their own personal lives. We would be able to reflect on our own child rearing or people skills and correct the mistakes or add to the improvements. Without all those negatives weighing us down we would become a better person,friend, and supporter. We might even learn loyalty to our own spouses instead of belaboring everyone else in our lives with the complaints.

If you do not think that any of this applies to you then I ask you to challenge yourself to the test. For one week you are not to think negatively about the people in your life. When any such thoughts enter your mind instead of following through on it think something good instead about the person. All people have something good and decent about them because we would not be with them if they didn’t. It may be harder to find in some than others. If at the end of the week you feel better about yourself, then do it for another week and another until it becomes habit. If it does not make you feel better, then there is a very good chance, that you are using your problems to get attention, sympathy or to be lazy or you get joy from being abusive to others.

Thinking well or poorly about a person or people is a taught experience either from our childhood or from what we have picked up and generalized on our own, or from the group that we hang with. Just like joy and happiness require positive thought so does stopping complaints and criticism require positive thinking.

It’s o.k. to call a bitch a bitch or a jerk a jerk when they truly are, but then what are you doing hanging with them, if they are? Doesn’t “water seek its own level”?Aren’t you responsible for finding the answer to that yourself? All of our lives, only improve when we make it a priority to improve our lives, ourselves. Blaming others for it only means you are in a rut and your own life will not change until you take control over it.

If someone else is truly stopping you physically and you are being held against your own will, then please if you do nothing else, for the sake of all of the people who truly do care about you, get yourself to the nearest doctor,minister, or authority that can help you. The entire world around you, knows that you deserve better, even if you do not know that yourself.

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Pass The Buck—Blame

Many times something like Prop 8 in California will be passed by the majority of the voters and thrown out by the court. It gives those of us who understand equal rights, a sickening feeling in our stomachs, to think that any State, much less the people in it, would think that our role as Americans, is to ban the rights of another. The Court system or government was not established to legislate bigotry anymore than it was established to legislate morality.

For those of us that were alive another time in history, we see many similarities between the hate that is being preached against gay marriage as we saw preached against minority and white couples uniting in marriage. Interracial marriages were considered every bit as wrong and made illegal in 16 States prior to the 1970′s. If the rights of gay couples remain protected in our Constitution by the time Prop 8 runs the gamut of the appeals system there will always be those that yell that their right to legislate bigotry under the guise of “practicing their religious beliefs” is a God-given right in the Constitution.

The Constitution is about individual freedoms and no where is there any recognition of any one body,State, group, or religion having the authority to deny another group or individual their rights. In fact it is just the opposite in that they shall have no power to practice or influence the vote. Many of the Religions and the far right are screaming and will continue to scream about the freedom of religion to practice being crippled by the decision of the California judge that saw Prop 8 for what it was, and that is unjust.

For the rest of us, Christians and non-Christians alike, it is a time to celebrate. No one is infringing on religion. Religion is infringing on law and government. No one in government or law is telling anyone Church in America that they can not practice religion within the confines of their own Churches. The Churches themselves always have had and always will have , the right to determine who or whom they marry within the Doctrine of their Faith. This clearly is a, “pass the buck-blame”, issue that will be fed and kept alive for years to come while the confusion is spread through lies.

Already “Gay Judge” is part of the headlines. How simple are we that we cannot see that to deny the rights of any American the freedom to love and express that love through marriage is not for any of us to vote in favor of or against? If we as Americans deny anyone group the right to marry then shouldn’t we also have the power to deny people the right where they can be buried, where they can live,what religion they can practice, where they can work, or on what particular spot on earth they can breathe?

Isn’t it clear to most of us that as Americans the Constitution was formed to uphold the rights of everyone, including gay couples? Clearly it was not the intent of our forefathers that wrote the Constitution, to eliminate all marriages other than those that would gain approval in Salt Lake or Rome.

If you are one of those that think you should not or do not care then ask yourself.” if the judge had not of seen the obvious and ruled Prop 8 unconstitutional”, how close would you or your loved ones be to having your rights revoked? Where would your own family be, if another judge decided your right to make the decisions on the facts of your own life, did not fit the criteria?

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No– Wayward Girls Were Not Prostitutes

I feel it necessary to make it clear since I wrote about the injustice of young women getting pregnant, prior to women having birth control, to make certain that people know and understand that the wayward girls homes were not run for prostitutes. Yesterday someone wrote on a search engine “does wayward equal prostitute.”

Prior to the 1960′s women used fairly ineffective means towards preventing pregnancy and birth control that was effective was basically the responsibility of men and the use of the condom. Women were known to use both oils and corrosive agents that were not only ineffective but were of a great danger to their health. There were illegal, out-of-the-way, abortion houses, that often led to women bleeding to death, or dying of infections, for the poor. There was also quackery and midwives that often used crude tools that also had horrible results.

The upper middle class and wealthy could ask their doctors and many times they would be sent to a clean environment and the abortion would be performed and listed as a miscarriage.Prostitutes relied primarily on dark alleys and illegal abortions to rid themselves of an unwanted pregnancy. It was very easy for men to lie to unsuspecting and inexperienced girls about how to prevent pregnancy, since the subject of sex was not even discussed in most homes or in conversations with either gender. Even today teenagers are often unaware of the myths in the use of preventing pregnancy.

For the most part, wayward girls were young women, who had no means to protect themselves against a one time pregnancy out-of-wedlock or marriage. Many times they were victims of rape or incest and other times they foolishly did not think that they could get pregnant on their first sexual experience. That was a common myth of the time. More times than not they had relations with a man who would promise marriage or with a boy they felt they were truly in love with. Other times it was young girls that were in love with their boyfriends or desperate to get out of their home lives that felt their parents would allow them to marry if they got pregnant.

As I wrote in another post the rate of pregnancy in women that are unmarried has not changed per capita, according to statistics, in its numbers over the last 150 years. The greatest difference is that we as a Society are much more accepting as well as,aware of the fact and honest about the fact that young people do have sex. Women can now take charge of making certain they have effective protection against pregnancy instead of relying on the word of men, that was never good and doubtful ever will be, when it comes to the subject of sex.

Homes for Wayward girls were run mainly by the Churches for young women, that wound up pregnant, out of both ignorance or innocence or naively thought their boyfriends would marry them. These homes were established to prevent young women or their babies from dying during an abortion or it’s attempt. When they would start showing or before, they would go to these homes, give birth, and their babies adopted out.

These girls had no real difference in their thinking or action as to why teenagers get pregnant today. Families would disown them and never speak to them again many times, and because they had nowhere to go once the baby was born and they had to leave it behind, they were often very young and uneducated or victims of both incest or rape, it was not unusual then , in order for them to survive, some would turn to prostitution. It was generally held that they had shamed the family and were not welcome back home. When they were welcomed back home, which was rarely, they often had to protect the lie that they had been away taking care of an elderly relative in their absence.

We as a Society have made more allowances and understanding, for the fact that as human beings, we will not always be perfect, as we have become more civilized. Many see this as an advancement in our Society but just as many curse the liberal left for the same. The reality is that mankind makes mistakes and usually it is done out of ignorance. When done deliberately there are many times, victims or victimization as a result of it.

As a compassionate Society,many of us believe we not only have an obligation but also duty, to give protection to all people under our Constitution and just in general, our moral consciousness. For equal reason,in the way they think and believe the people or groups on the right, have always fought against the Freedom and equality due to religious reasons.

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Sympathy-Gifts-Rage–The “Bad” Boys

Although there are a large sector of women that also batter, I am writing on the attraction of the “Bad Boys” to women today. These men seek out women that nurture, as much as, women that think they are strong and can fix these men, seek out the “Bad” boys. Most of us have an image in our heads that boys or men that beat up girls or women are “red necks” or at the very least, they come from the lower socio-economic back grounds. The truth is they come from all back grounds including those of wealth.

These men appeal to the sensitive side of women by endearing themselves to them and through evoking their sympathy through their hard-luck stories of childhood. Many of them come from homes of alcohol,drugs or foster care. Not always, but the great majority of them, are victims of abuse whether, it be their own or they watched their mothers being beaten, and in most cases both. Because they endear themselves to girls or women with their stories that require the women’s sympathy and they blame others for misunderstanding their intents and often shower gifts on women. They seek out, women who are attracted to them, and who many times are not aware of the fact, that they are being manipulated by these men.

There is a certain appeal or excitement in these men, to sadly way too many women, that have a need to fix them. Even though the warning signs always show up, many times by the time that they do, these women have gotten very good at lying to themselves. It is very rare when a woman is not warned by either friends or family that this guy is no good and especially no good for her. Along with the need to fix these men, in women, also comes a need to protect both the men as well as their own pride. They originally set out to prove to themselves, as well as friends and family, that these men are just misunderstood and that they can fix them and prove both their friends and family wrong.

It then becomes some kind of almost sick obsession in many cases or a goal to reach to prove them all wrong and herself right. By the time that the relationship has moved to an all-out-rage and abuse many of these women have been warned and denied it so often that it comes down to a real need in them to protect themselves and the man against people who genuinely have the woman’s best interests at heart even when she jeopardizes her own safety, in the process.

The thing that we all need to look out for in these manipulators or abusers then is, that often the relationship begins with showering on of gifts and dinners. Teddy bears, roses and jewelry along with poems and cards are the major gifts. They are many times very charming and endear themselves to both friends and family. Other times they spell out “the Bad Boy” image under no pretense what-so-ever but both are seen as being very nice to the women of interests in the beginning.

Eventually women will hear them blaming everything in their lives that went wrong on someone else. They have more than a temper in that they go into rages. Commonly they will threaten other men, use vulgar words in describing women and others,many are prejudice or show a great deal of antipathy towards a sector of society, they will go into rages and hit windshields, hoods,walls and tables before they will hit or beat up the women in their lives, initially, but it takes little time before they do turn the behavior onto the woman they profess to love.

An apology is as much of a constant in their lives as the beating they hand out, along with the tears that they shed, because they feel so badly after the attacks that women often times will listen to apology after apology before they realize just how empty the apologies are.

They will show a pathological jealously whenever she speaks, smiles or nods to another male especially but sometimes it can include anyone, they will tell the women that they want her just for themselves, that they can not live without her, or that her family and friends do not care for her, he is the only one that truly loves her and in doing so he isolates the woman from both her friends and family.

They will blame women always as the reason that they are the way they are. If they do acknowledge that they have hit women, previously, it always comes out that they slapped the woman that invoked their anger. In their world slap and being beaten nearly to death are one and the same. These same men will also commonly be stalkers if a woman decides to get out and save herself from death. They will harass with both threats and phone calls both her and her family. Many do become homicides. So many of these men are obsessive-compulsive to the point that if they cannot have her they will make sure no -one else has her either.

It is important then that all young women are told before they date that these boys/men do exist. For far too long we as a society have buried our heads in the sand and blamed the victim while excusing the victimizer. We as a Nation, in recognizing our freedoms, have failed to warn about the risk that come along with that freedom.

The reason why this is not a part of the teaching in our public school system is because it would evoke cries of protests and injustice against the male of society. It has always, throughout the beginning of time, been more important to protect the male at the expense of the female. Will we ever learn to warn women that the truth is that the”Bad Boys” are predators to them and not exciting or misunderstood?

With young women in America gaining more freedom to make choices for themselves at an earlier age, they must know that no manner how bored they think they are, or how interesting this type of personality appeals to them, or how smart or how strong they think they are, they are no match for this type of man.

Men do have far-and-away more upper body strength than a woman. Program after program that has been used to stop men from beating women have failed. Violence against women programs simply have proven not to be successful.

It is a disgrace how common this is and yet how ignorant, that we as a society are, when it comes to these predators that run free amongst us. The police can do nothing about it unless we recognize that these men do exist and are a real threat to over half of our population. Instead too many people who should know better are blaming it on the freedom of an American woman to think for herself rather than the fact that there are men that can be and truly are predators against women.

It also holds true in the gay community as well as women abusing boys and men. Because women many times use weapons or poison, their violence can also have equal ramifications. I repeat that we as a Nation must recognize the threat and warn all children before they do start dating about the warning signs of domestic violence.

We would also do well to push our legislatures for the need for equality, as violence that is handled as a greater felony and treated more effectively than it has been in the past, more than anything else, will move us towards gaining protection for all Americans facing domestic violence. I believe that we all can accept the need of better and more effective treatment for all people caught up in the vicious cycle of dometic violence once we do start thinking compassionately as a Nation.

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X-Nay On “The Good Wife” Books And Program

The mere fact that I am writing this will keep me shuffled off with the family announcements or worthless diatribe forever by word-press but in the early automated shuffle by word-press my last post on “Good Marriages That Last and Why” one of the picks were “The Good Wife.” That is why I see so much humor in life because if I have ever heard of a more pathetic program that got started to combat feminism, it has been that one. To get sorted out with it to me is hilarious!

An off shoot of the Baptist Church in Texas started this program as I said to combat feminism I believe in the 70′s and women still gather today to scrap-book and to learn “How to be a Good Wife.” To my knowledge it has now circulated world-wide. In my estimation it is one of the most degrading programs that I have yet to run across.Although there are many more almost identical to it in many of the other Churches. Not only are they an insult to women all over the world they also are to men.

It starts out with the belief that all women are born with innate properties and this program is only offered to enhance those properties. All wives are to bathe, put on their make-up, make sure their hair is well coiffed daily with the children occupied else where when hubby comes home. The wives are to greet their husbands at the door with a smile on their face and the pretense of having a perfect day. She is not to suggest or even hint about any kind of stress with the kids or with anything at all. He is to be allowed time and space from his children to just relax and wear off a stressful day. The meal is supposed to be cooking with good smells in the house. His favorite meals of course. To do so is to be a perfect wife.

Now for the reasoning of all this tripe. A wife has to look good and smell good after all her husband has been working all day around women that are so attired. The reasoning being that men are too irresponsible or trustworthy to keep their zippers up and the temptation too great for the poor helpless male gender to be able to fight off the temptation of putting his hands all over the women of the workforce if he comes home to a wife that is frazzled in her sweats from settling kids’ arguments, running errands, picking up and dropping off kids–well you get the message. Women are supposed to pretend that they are so delighted to be a phony since in return of doing so he makes the living. Instead of keeping their marriages real and sharing the truth of their day with their husbands it is preferable to lie to them as if the truth somehow would poison their marriages. Then it goes on to suggest that if we do not look our best not only will this poor helpless human not be able to restrain himself but he is such a louse that when he does get home he does not want to see anything but a happy wife and also wants to reject his own children outright. In other words, let this superior being have 20 minutes or so to pretend that he is both single and child-less.

Then the reasoning goes on to state that if the man of the house gets this time to relax and smells these good smells cooking he is going to be more inclined to want to help with the dishes and bathing of the children. Of course women would be totally out-of-place to suggest or heaven help her to imply that both might be his job anyway. Without a doubt meeting your husband at the door in your sweats and handing off a child with a dirty diaper while you grabbed the car keys to get away for a few minutes to regain your own sanity would definitely be grounds for accusing you of being a pathetic wife if it did not make them faint straight away to even think such a thought. The whole program follows this whole inane argument and I cannot believe the number of young women that actually show up at the homes of these older women to learn these so-called “Donna Reed” programs that never existed any where in reality other than on television.

At this point I think I have said enough on just how strongly I abhor this teaching of making young women subservient to their husbands and turning men into total stupid and helpless creatures. Over the years I have known men to be just as good nurturers as women. They look forward to the end of the day and getting home to spend time with their kids and many will even sell their homes just to shorten their commute so that they can spend more time with their children. Sorry girlfriend, but many of them can out cook us in a heartbeat and have the patience to spend time on the floor playing with the children at a time when we only want a hot bath. More times than not the kids are delighted and over joyed when Dad pulls into the drive way just as he is to see them. I remember 60 years ago getting so excited when my dad came home as he always brought home candy bars and that was long before the time that men took a more active role in child rearing as they do today.

Most men, who are not shallow to begin with, will tell their wives they prefer the way they look without their make-up on and they would prefer it if they did not wear make-up or would tone it down. A good father, which many men are will hand their wife the car keys and say”here Honey take a break and go somewhere I will watch the kids and start dinner while you get a break.”Honorable men do not need to be enticed,entrapped and be treated like mindless imbeciles to treat their wives kindly. To suggest game playing at all on any level in a marriage is one of the first things that will undermine a marriage. Just as women do not like men pulling con jobs on them, men do not like women playing games.

Clearly a woman had to come up with the idea of “The good Wife” and the fact that it got started in Texas where beauty pageants and cheerleading is a must do for any popular young woman somehow does not surprise me. My apology to all the down to earth people of Texas but surely you must understand when I say shallowness does exist as much in Texas as it does in Hollywood. Most decent men, when they get ready to settle down, want to be able to find a mother for his children and a wife for himself that compliments him both intellectually and in his belief system as well as share her’s. He abhors the idea of being treated as a superior with his wife being treated as a second class citizen. He wants love and respect as much as a woman wants the same, but certainly not to the exclusion of his wife. I realize that there are and always will be red necks that feel men are superior and do not want a wife that they think is smarter than they are as well as shallow men that want “arm candy”but thank God the world is not filled with them. If that is all you think is out there then you need to be widening your search, ladies.

Women if you want your marriages to succeed then read my previous post. Men that we are interested in fathering our children or just being with want the same thing we women want. They have control over their libido and to suggest otherwise makes them no further advanced than the ape. The statistics show that more women cheat than at any other time in history or perhaps it is more acknowledged than it has been in the past. Not all men are dirt bags. Many have a moral code that would never permit them to cheat anymore than the moral code of some women would never allow them to cheat. Just as men can be adulterers so can and are many women adulteresses. Doesn’t our common sense tell us that the majority of affairs that men have require the participation of a woman? Men want a wife that is honest, real, and trustworthy just as a woman wants a man who owns these same qualities. These crazy gender ideas or stereo-types have been so promoted over the years that even when fathers should clearly get custody of the children they are losing out not only to wives doing drugs and are alcoholics but also to grandparents. This constant labeling of the sexes can be and sometimes is just as destructive to an honorable man as it has been for generations against women.

I have always maintained and still do that the thing that will destroy religion is religion. It will never be the government. This movement to keep gays from their constitutional rights is just another precursor into the steps that have been taken to keep the division between the genders, in my estimation. This program along with the many other similar programs are a total insult to both the well-being of men as it is to women. It’s main purpose along with the others out there is to make sure it keeps women subservient and in doing so it also keeps the ideal afloat that all men will cheat because they cannot help themselves. Exactly who that helps, I’m not sure, but it does nothing towards promoting a good, strong and healthy marriage.

Sadly one of the shakers and movers in Austin,Texas in its beginning days of “The Good Wife” program was found murdered by her husband. I will not conclude it was because of the program but then on the other hand it obviously didn’t make for a good marriage. Keep it real folks, keep it real!

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