Why Disability?

As we grow in a civilized society we learn more about the nature of mankind. It will always be debatable to me just how disabled people are, who are considered disabled, since when we lose the function of one part or more of our body we gain a clarity in other parts of our self. I write about it for the same reason that I write about abuse. We are starting to recognize that what in the past was seen as truth,incorrigible behavior or sin is in truth, myth.

To take the Bible literally, when some chapters in the Old Testament have been proven to come from mythology, that was written approximately 1000 years prior to the old testament, in most of our minds is ludicrous. For instance, the original writing in the Old Testament show that Adam and Eve together made the decision to eat from the tree of knowledge and it was most likely a pomegranate tree over an apple tree.

There is no mention what-so-ever about Satan or a snake in the original writings of the Bible. Both Satan in the form of the snake and Eve tempting Adam were added much later by men. Therefore the sin of woman and mankind’s belief through religion, that she is a temptress and to be feared and controlled by the man, stems from what man wrote years later instead of what was actually written by inspired men of the Bible.

We have irrefutable proof that gays are born gay at birth, but still cling to the Bible as to reasons they are not entitled to equal rights. The story of Adam and Eve, that is still generally accepted by many regardless of the our current knowledge, also spells out why men should fear women and take control over them before they destroy mankind. We seem to pass over the facts as well, that one in four children, are being born with attention deficit disorder and or autism even though we realize that more than likely Science is just now starting to catch up with behavior in the past that was seen as incorrigible or sin.

These children were accused of disrespecting their parents or elders, therefore not minding them, and made to feel like they were sinners and punished harshly as a result of the same. Never, until recently, did the thought cross the brains of others that these children were incapable of understanding. In many ways abuse and disability still go hand in hand in our society.True, there are also reasons, to believe that even with the knowledge of these differences and disorders, the diagnosis are on the increase due possibly to environmental concerns that the right-wing will tell us is nothing but lies.

One in every three homes have abuse going on in them and 1/3 of all the abuse is coming from women rather than men. Even when Doctors saw signs of abuse in children it took them years to accept that Fathers could abuse their own child much less Mothers, even though both had been doing so for generations. As we learn more about ourselves we have less reason to feel lost as sheep, and more need to find hope and help through medicine.

We are currently living in an era of paranoia where some believe that if we think for ourselves, we are misdirected or off basis, when it comes to fact but if we quote someone else, who in truth is using inaccuracies, then we have basis for fact. The television ads written by special interests groups, to many, becomes grounds for fact even when we tell them,they are lies. Although many efforts fall short as a result of these errors in thinking, it is never the person who is in error who is at fault, but the person telling them they are mistaken who is lying or guilty of blasphemy. They keep slaying the messenger in favor of believing the liars.

What many are viewing as the signs of the end of the earth, as revealed in Revelations in the Bible and the Jesse Ventura type thinking is stirring up, is fear. Nothing is more powerful than fear when it comes from the mouths of those on the pulpit as well as people we hold in reverence.

It explains the success of the Tea Party and other grassroots organizations that are using it to make people feel more pessimistic than they need to be. 911 has given these Americans entitlement to hate ALL people of the Muslim Faith as well as everyone else different from themselves. How sad are we if we find it necessary to use tragedy as an excuse to hate. It makes a mockery of both the memory as well as the bravery of the people who lost their lives in the tragedy.

Remember how optimistic the whole world felt just a short week ago when the miners were rescued? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to quiet these hatemongers and pessimists and get back to being the United States of America?

How for instance can the majority of Americans believe that the Republicans caused the mess we are in but it will be the Republicans that fix it when their Pledge to America is absolutely nothing more than the same that led us to the mess we are in? When was the last pledge made by the Republicans ever kept? The only conclusion that I can draw is, some people have become so enmeshed in believing what they hear quoted by the fear and hate mongers that they believe them over their own ability to use common sense. When fear controls reason then reason goes out the window.

How else can we explain what is going on when the truth is, as man learns more about him/herself, the more hope we have of fixing what for years have been seen as the social ills of Society. With knowledge of ourself we can defeat diseases, prejudices,inequalities and find treatment for those that truly have been victims of the bigoted society of the past. Instead of embracing fear, as the fear and hate mongers would wish we do, we currently can have real hope, for the first time in the history of mankind, that we can all find grounds to be concern for all of us and together we can find the answers to both treat and cure the mess we are in. “A Country divided will not long endure.” Take back your own individual reasoning and vote for Honor again on November 2nd.

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Accepting Disability

Congratulations! By now you and your loved ones as well as the medical profession, are all on the same page. I would not interfere with or suggest that I know how or why you reached this mile stone in your life, but I understand as you must have, that we each have our own path to take when reaching this point.

If you have followed my posts, then you understand as I do, that I cannot write about the disabled through mental illness, severely brain-damaged, catatonic, or severely paralyzed as, I, just like you, have never experienced this type of disability. Just as there are stages in cancer or heart disease there are also stages in disability. Sometimes, especially with injury, it is a very slow progression, if it progresses at all, and with others, that include disease, it can be fairly rapid. I do believe it is safe to say though that regardless of the disability, unless we have reached the mental state of acceptance, none of us do totally understand how we will react or respond a year from now.

I hope that by talking about my own experience then, I can help you discover,as I have, that the mind needs to be in the place of acceptance in order for the body to respond accordingly. When I reached the point that I understood any further testing would simply update medical records and bring no further relief or change of treatment to me and that.” it was what it was,” then I understood,I was left with nothing further than accepting what I could do and what would be very painful to do.

I began my introduction to the idea that things would never be normal in my life, as I had planned it, when my body was sending out all kinds of warning signals that seemed to be untreatable but at the same time was raising my blood pressure. Along with the disabling disease that caused a great deal of pain, I was reacting to the treatment. Our children were still quite young as I was only 28 years of age, and initially I could not distinguish between symptoms of what ailed me, versus symptoms of drug reactions. It is extremely difficult to do, especially when the diagnosis is inaccurate or someone has deemed themselves God in our lives, and decided to withhold the truth from us, by playing down our symptoms when we ourselves already are experiencing debilitating pain.

I went through all the emotional upset and trauma that we all go through as I had always had the attitude that it would be easier for me to die than to be disabled. I, like everyone else, had heard of,” all the miracles of modern medicine” so it came as a shock to me that medicine could not cure everything much less not be able to treat everything. Just like you, I asked the question, “why me” until I was able to answer it with “why not me?” All kinds of mistakes were made by me and those around me, and I definitely suffered dark periods in my life. Whenever they attempted to treat one area of my body then it would throw off another system of my body. This is quite common in treating the central nervous system.

Many times I had to complain for several years before I was taken seriously about my complaint once the Dr.s did get the diagnosis correct. There was a real sense of, “we can’t do anything about her complaint so lets find something wrong elsewhere and get her to concentrate on that.” I would advise everyone prior to having surgery of any type to ask if it is elective or mandatory for the condition in which you need relief. It took me much too long to see past this ploy, I’m afraid.

In short it was a helluva place for me to be as I tried to protect my loved ones from it and never spent a day in bed outside of when I was hospitalized. I went ahead and took care of my own responsibilities along with most everyone elses, other than my immediate family who understood as they lived with me, until I reached the point that to push myself any harder was very destructive to both myself as well as my longevity.

Still today I will go ahead and do something that causes a great deal of pain like refinish a piece of furnish just in order for me to understand that if I had effective pain treatment I would not be physically disabled. Effective pain treatment at this point would definitely put me into an almost catatonic state due to the increase of the necessary amount of drugs it would take to allow me to operate pain-free and under normal ability. Sadly, I am allergic to the standard form of treatment for my particular disease.

At the very least, abusing or increasing substantially, the only drugs available to my treatment themselves, would lead to mental confusion,anxiety and depression, if not cause early death, so I gladly live with the pain treatment that dulls pain if I do little to nothing. I can still determine to what length of time and rest I can take and still feel well enough to enjoy my life. I plan on staying in charge of my brain since I do have less and less to say about my physical abilities and must use the necessary aids available to me.

With all diseases, there are good days and bad days. My best days will always be the days that I can accomplish doing some of what I want to do. Many times because I have developed interests in oil painting,collecting,reading,genealogy,research and writing I can have a terrific day doing very little according to Society’s point of view, and still be relatively pain-free, as well. I can do most hobbies upwards of an hour a day. Most of us will learn that we have never really done what it is that we truly love doing, prior to our injury. At this point it is all about keeping my mind healthy to both concentrate, learn, and to becomes less dependent on the pain treatment.

I understand that on days that I want to do something I will pay the price in pain but I prefer doing it, to being waited on by a caregiver and being bed or chair bound permanently, due to the fact that my mind has been lessened as a result of pain treatment. Since pain is no longer relieved by rest my tolerance to pain has built naturally over the years. There is a real danger with Doctors either under-treating or over-treating with pain medication so make sure, you yourself, knows the difference.

Long story short, it is my hope that all of you can and do reach the point that you have cried your last tear, yelled out of anger and frustration, for the last time, and found genuine peace in the things that you can do. I hope you find real joy of waking up each day knowing that you and only you are still in charge of the areas in your life that matter the most.

I hope you never question or listen to what people who have never experienced your level of disability have to say on the subject.(unless they are medically or spiritually trained to offer relief or peace of mind or are kind enough to act as your caregiver and to listen to you) I hope you have found a Dr. that will be honest with you and help when you do ask for help. I hope you know to celebrate and rejoice in what you can do and no longer grieve what you can not do.

I hope you have learned the value of this moment,hour, day and see the beauty in each day. I hope if you require a caregiver and still have responsibilities that you do not ask others to do what you can still do ,yourself. I hope you have a good imagination that allows you to figure out a different way of doing the same thing that you use to do and have learned patience in doing so.

I hope you get a genuine”kick” or “hoot” out of life and count your Blessings for being a part of the human race, regardless of what the ignorant or ill-informed seem to think or believe to the contrary. I hope you despise sympathy and understand and empathize with others who have less than you do. But most importantly of all, I hope you do know your own strengths as well as your own limitations, and have a support system that applauds you for knowing the difference. If that includes no one more than yourself and a good book and you still know the joy of waking up each day, then you have made it, my friend. I do know it is all possible with the right attitude, just as you have already learned, yourself. Congratulations! I’m proud of you!

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Disability Before Acceptance

The in-between stage, from the shock to acceptance of disability, can be and often is a time of turmoil. Even if family is slow to accept or the medical profession itself is not responding to our symptoms, most of us find that we can not deny those strange things that are happening to us, in our own bodies. The next big step is in the frustration of getting family to accept it. In some cases where it is disease over injury, just getting the medical profession, itself, to understand can be an equal frustration.

I recommend family get all the necessary help and opinions that are available to them, as well as research on their own, so that they can understand the disease as well as ask questions based on the same. This is not a time to hide behind denial, manipulation, or intimidation, as the sooner we react the better the results will become, in many cases. Doctors,as a rule, will be slow to volunteer any information unless we do ask the questions.

Once we do get over the shock of understanding that so little is still known or understood about the central nervous system (the system most effected by disease or injury that leads to disability) then we understand a bit better why the answers are not coming. Any of us that do deal with chronic disease or injury get a quick lesson in,” the lesson of cause and effect”, because the medical profession is still leap years away from understanding or knowing what does cause most diseases.

I have had Doctors who leave the room and send in the nurse without answering my questions when I do ask questions and have been yelled at for asking them,told there was something going on in my own environment causing it, treated like it was hopeless so why bother, lied to, and heard a lot of, “we simply do not know the answers.” If your Doctor is not forth coming with answers or explanations, then get another opinon. Doctors, themselves, many times get frustrated and their behavior or bedside manner can add to the already difficult position that many of us face. People react differently to stimulus or answers and because Doctors treat on averages instead of individuals, many times the treatments themselves are either ineffective or can jeopardize our health further.

We all reach our level of acceptance with trial and error and many times feel very lonely in the process. People as a general rule can be insensitive, rude or very unkind as well as reverse and become terribly understanding. Do not give up on them, but if it is necessary to put distance in between, then do so. It is a time to surround ourselves with a strong support system or to accept that we are in it for the duration.

Just a note, to the people who will set themselves up to be caregivers or inherit the job. The more you accept the fact that the disabled person needs to test and find out their own abilities and or limitations the easier it will be for both of you. Many times caregivers will baby or accuse the disabled person out of their own frustrations and this only adds to an already difficult time. For the most part the more normal we make life the better the results. If it is a child that needs to be taught right from wrong then teach them the same as you would the rest of the children in the household. Even if it requires repeating and repeating it is important, regardless of the disease or injury, they learn to behave. It clearly will add to the difficulty, but disabled children that grow up to not understand their own responsibilities to society, often times become a further statistic.

With time and a lot of communication and many wonderful people to compensate for the jerks that exist in all “walks of life” when it comes to disability,everything is possible. Hope for the best while preparing for the worse and the results can often times be amazing. We must base that on the accomplishment of the disabled and the functional ability of the same.

Do not get caught up on who can do what or think age matters as many times it does not. Nothing will teach gratitude, acceptance of the unknown, release of fear and knowing and understanding our own priorities in life, more than what the lessons that currently lie ahead of you will teach. Good luck and do not misplace your direction, but expect to fall off the path a time or two, as it is expected and normal to do so.

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Emotional Beginnings To Disability

So often people are injured or diseased and do not have a chance to even contemplate their life, prior to needing physical aides, in order to maintain independence in their lives. As a rule family members are so grateful, many times, that they still have their husband,son,daughter,wife or loved ones alive, that they dismiss the emotions of the victim.

All of medicine is notorious towards the lack of compassion shown the emotional pain of a disabled person, unless they are injured doing a heroic deed, in comparison to families who have lost a loved one. The research that goes into crippling disease along side of life threatening disease is a disgrace around the world. The religious tell us to pray, ask for mercy or to give thanks for being alive at a time we aren’t sure ourselves, we are better off being alive.

When Dr. Kervorkian seemed to be the only Doctor that understood and listened on this issue, he was eventually sent to prison to serve out a jail term because he, and he alone, heard people when they said, “it would be better for them to die than to suffer the disabling disease”, that would cause them to suffer but allow them to live. When a patient becomes terminally ill most compassionate Doctors will allow a patient to end their suffering by prescribing a morphine patch that will kill them, if and when they are ready.

Many religious beliefs, from the mystics to the common person on the street, hold that pain is as a result of Satan and we must have done something bad to deserve living in pain. So common is the belief that disabled people do it to themselves, that some people hold genuine hate for the disabled. Is it any wonder then, when people left on their own to work through their own pain often choose suicide? After all, we have the majority of doctors saying, “the only reason that Dr. Kervorkian’s patients chose death over life was because they were depressed.”

Never do we hear, unless it is terminal or caused as a result of a heroic act, that the pain was more than anyone could bear and unfortunately medicine still has a long way to go when treating pain, or finding Dr.s willing to treat it effectively. Our loved ones may hear it, after we are gone, but we will never hear it ourselves.

Who in their right mind would not be depressed when people that we should be able to count on from Church,to medicine,to friends, to family would rather blame, undertreat, pretend to understand, or act indifferent to it all, over trying to listen and understand? Throwing a pill at everything is not always the answer either, sometimes surgery or acknowledging ignorance or fault of your own will go a long way.

Regardless of the truth of disability, mankind has built within them, the unique Blessing and gift to survive. It is true that both depression as well as anger do follow through with pain. We do feel we are being rejected by people we should be able to count on. Many times it does become our responsibility to tell Doctors how to treat us, convince our loved ones we are fine when we are not sure we can go on another minute. Many times in their excitement to have us alive or for having saved our life, they will totally dismiss we are grieving our loss of limb or normal pain-free body. Many times we do not know it ourselves.

I don’t care if those of us that are disabled are over-weight, smoke, drove too fast, inherited a familial disorder that went misdiagnosed, or worked at a high risk job. The exact same way a family does not get up in the morning and thinks today their loved one will die, neither does the victim of disability believe that it can happen to them.

Somewhere, along the line, we have become such a physical fit, fear filled, or diet conscious society that we have lost all compassion or empathy for those that do suffer. If you are relating to this as you read it, let me assure you that with time and healing and placing one foot in front of another we who do become disabled, often are the lucky ones.

Unlike, all the others that probably are telling you how to better deal with your disability, I will leave it up to you, to discover how and why disabled people could possibly be the lucky ones. The Blessings are many as are the numbers that do understand and do think you will make it to where we are so that you too do know and understand. Good luck and make each day count more, when you are up to it!

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Power Chair Versus Electric Scooter

When the time came that I was no longer willing to depend on being pushed in a regular wheel chair in order to maintain a length with normalcy, I was sent to the physical therapist by my Doctor to be measured for a power chair. Naive as I was, I did not know or understand the options available to me so I will try to educate those of you that are in the position I was in.

My particular disease will allow for sporadic walking, currently. This means I can walk to a table and be seated or go through a small antique store or do limited walking and standing with a cane, and with the knowledge that I have to be willing to suffer pain and discomfort in doing so. Due to injury to my arms as well as my legs as a result of both lower and upper spine deterioration, I am not able to use the large wheeled hand-operated wheelchair that I can empower myself. I would definitely encourage this mode of transportation for those that still have upper body strength as muscles that are not used are lost.

I have since learned more about the availability of what I like to refer to as toys available to the disabled and will give you my take on both. Unless you get a foldable power chair that will break down or fold up and be placed into a trunk of a car you will need both a van and a lift of some type to put the chair into the van. In my case since I and my husband both are taller than normal, it required a custom van that would allow for standing. Regardless of the type of lift you do get, they have not yet perfected them to run consistently with the doors opening effectively each time. If you go this route, you soon learn to only enter or exit on a flat service, for more operable use of both.

Although I have never had the foldable or take apart power chair, I have checked into them and tried them out but found, in my opinion, for them to be fairly cheaply made and the price difference reflects that. Power chairs when recommended by Dr.s are paid for by the Insurance Companies. Medicare rarely if ever pays for them. The other large difference between the foldable light weight power chair and the regular power chair, is the lack of speed and power to both climb and dislodge from ruts, since in order for the light weight chair to be loaded by hand. it takes considerably smaller batteries to run.

A typical power chair that needs a lift weighs in at approximately 250 pounds due to larger and heavier duty batteries, whereas a portable or foldable one can weigh as little as 40 pounds. I applaud the power chair business that works with the medical field in developing the power chair as I have had little to no problems with the standard chair that requires a lift.

Scooter companies, I also own a scooter, works as a retail outlet and it becomes important that we understand like all retail companies there are good and not so good ones. Check out a consumers report site or magazine on the ones ranked the best before buying. Although there are also foldable and breakdown (can be taken apart without tools) in the scooters they also have the same power deficiencies as the power chair when it comes to both power and speed, when they are of the light weight variety. Scooters with three wheels will turn in a smaller circle than with the 4 wheels but they also are more susceptible to upsetting if turned too sharply.

If we want to use our chairs and scooters outdoors on more rugged terrain or on a beach the standard size chair and scooter are going to be a must. If you only need a scooter or chair to shop or enter casinos,businesses or Church then the foldable or break-apart will perhaps suffice, but I repeat that they do not have the power to pull or become dislodged from what sometimes is nothing more than a small rut and they can not be pushed beyond the power of the battery to pull itself out of the hole.

The standard power chair will meet all requirements for any need for the disabled but the aggravation of trying to get a lift and automatic doors to respond can be and is a consistent problem when using them. We have had to remove both bolts and carry a rope in order to tie doors shut or to crank in the lift. This is simply something that most disabled people are not capable of doing since most of us cannot bend sufficiently,get up and down off of a floor, or are paralyzed. I would also warn that all power chairs have hollow tires with tubes much as a bicycle and they can be or are punctured by nails,Texas sand burrs, glass etc. The scooters are solid rubber tires and do not ever go flat.

I much prefer the power chair to the scooter as they do turn on a dime and can get in and out of places a scooter will never be able to get in and out of. I was fortunate that I was steered to go that direction first. The custom van (some people may be able to make a standard van work) will run between $55,000 to $60,000 and this is money a great many people simply do not have. There is State aid of some type, I did not look into it, for the lifts but we are all on our own to raise the money for our vans.

All scooters, even when they are not advertised to be, are able to be taken apart, as a rule. They are idea to do outdoor activities as they can be both hand loaded when taken apart in 4 easy pieces, and have both fairly good power and speed if they are of the more heavy-duty type. Since the tires are made of solid hard rubber they never go flat. They are not covered by health insurance, as a rule, and need to be paid for out of our own pockets.

They are much less expensive and need a wide berth to turn, especially when using the four wheel. If we try to shop with a scooter we will need to be prepared to back up when there is traffic in the aisle as versus turning around as we can with the chair. The scooters however, are able to get in and out of a single door easier that the power chair. For the most part, the scooter is more of a transportation need and requires far less dollar output but is not to be mistaken for use where medical requirements are needed for the use of a chair.

Since it does not require the same level place to both load and unload due to the fact that there is no lift required, I much prefer taking the scooter on vacation with me, and using the power chair for shopping. It is a personal choice on my part.

I still use strictly a cane or canes while in and around my home, with the advantage of carrying a lightweight stool, and recommend that everyone that can, devise a system for themselves, that will give them better ability to develop over-all muscle strength, when possible. Any time spent out of both the scooter or chair will prolong our own ability to perform for ourselves as well as others, when possible, as well as maintain our own independence. Although both the electric scooter and powerchair will give us much more freedom outside of our homes and enable us to live more independently from requiring help from others. I hope I have offered you some help here, as I found very little to none, when I needed to know the difference.

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30 False Myths, Beliefs, And Prejudices

The following are myths, beliefs or statements commonly held or spoken by the public, in general, that are totally wrong or many times, have little to zero basis for the truth. How many do you still believe, despite my telling you they are false? Feel free to test yourself. You may be shocked to find that you are more prejudice or judgemental than you realized.

1. All wheelchair bound people are deaf or incapable of intelligent communication.
2. All older people are bitter.
3. All people who use another language, different from English, are tourists or here illegally.
4. All poor people lack character and are lazy.
5. Wasps sting once and then they die.
6. Obama is Muslim.
7. Most wealthy people do not pay taxes and have servants.
8. People who drive nice cars and dress well are usually rich.
9. People like and treat their dogs better than they like or treat people.
10. People that do not earn a paycheck, do not work or if they do , they do not work as hard as we do.
11. Only Republicans reduce the size of government and balance budgets.
12 All Democrats are liberal.
13. People that attend Churches, regularly, are more moral than those that don’t.
14. People that do not attend Church on a regular basis are not believers or do not have faith.
15. All over-weight people are unhealthy,lazy, and consume far more food than we do.
16. People on welfare dress better than we do.
17. Stay-at-home Moms, are under-educated or wealthy.
18. Really intelligent people are strange or suffer from mental illness.
19. All artists are eccentrics.
20. Women are temptresses and cause their own rapes.
21. Men commit adultery and batter because women tempt them into doing so. Women as a rule are faithful and never batter.
22. Women make better parents than men do.
23. Heterosexual parents are better parents than gay parents.
24. People that attend Churches,are less likely to commit crimes.
25. More people graduate from college today than graduated from college in 1980.
26. Most people drawing disability checks could work if they wanted to.
27. All environmentalists are Libertarians or tree huggers and cost people jobs.
28. There is no culture outside of New York City or Chicago.
29. People that use across-the-counter drugs cannot become addicted.
30. People who limit their daily consumption of alcohol or only drink once a week, are not alcoholics.

Congratulations if these myths,beliefs, or prejudices are foreign to you and not generally held in your area. You live in a neighborhood that is more accepting to race,creed, and gender. Hopefully, the rest of us will get there someday as well, but it is highly unlikely. Only we can stop ignorance, so why are so few of us trying to do so. Oops there perhaps goes another myth:)

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Mistaken Emotions

The most mistaken emotions in my estimation are frustration and resentment. People that display either or both quite often get thought of as being bitter or hateful. If we project a bad day on others and they respond back to us as frustrated because they are having a fairly good day and our bad day is reflecting negatively on their’s, often times, we can and do take their frustration towards our response to them as being bitter or hateful towards us. This is especially true with people who are depressed or in denial.

Think about it for a moment. Wouldn’t we all get frustrated or even resentful if the person that we have the most social contact with is always complaining about some one else or argumentative? How many of us can remain joyful or cheerful if we are talking to someone who is always negative? It doesn’t take much to project our frustration and even resentment back to a person who always feels as though they are getting the worse of life. A person that feels that their stress levels,complaints, time and in general their significance in life is much greater than ours will drive all of us to frustration.

People that we surround ourselves with can actually alter or change our own stability. If someone is a bigot and we foolishly think we can get through to them and they respond with a derogative remark when we do, often times that same person will think our frustration with their remarks are just down right hateful.

It is not uncommon at all for people to transfer their own negative emotions onto us. Certainly someone who feels that people who are lesser than themselves need to be listening to their great wisdom and we refuse to go along with their estimation on the subject at hand, will say we have a bad attitude. This is not uncommon for people who have their own opinions on everything that are opposite of our own.

I have yet to find a person that suffers from depression on a regular basis not misconstrue the emotions of others. It is not unusual or atypical of people who do to feel their own pain over that of the people that they are visiting with to be unable to grasp the emotions different from their own.

If any of us spend much time visiting with or in the house of a hoarder, compulsive obsessive person, alcoholic, argumentative person, arrogant person,abusive person,judgemental person,person steeped in bigotry, ungrateful person,drug addict,depressant, or the long list of entitled people in our lives and we are stable ourselves we will come back resentful and uncomfortable with the conversations that often go along with the behavior of the person. Especially if they are people that we really do care about and instead of trying to help themselves,even when we know that they are not always capable of doing so rationally, but they instead constantly are offering us criticism or advice it can lead to total distraction on our part.

Our frustration and resentment towards their feelings of both indifference and blaming others can go to an all time high. We know they are responsible for their own behavior but still it would be inhuman of us not to care that they are behaving in a manner that will only bring them more pain as it feels as though they are asking us to over look our own values. Is it any wonder then that there are feelings of frustration and resentment on our part?

I find that I cannot even watch the new show on compulsive obsessive disease on television without feeling uncomfortable for both myself as well as the person suffering from the horrible disabling diseases. This has to be a heart-break for loved ones as well, and certainly lead to misunderstanding amongst members of the family.

In years past I would have questioned my own degree of unconformability with a lack of caring but today I just know and understand that I am not ,as many aren’t, able to feel comfortable with something or someone who makes no sense to me. I actually feel blessed that I was not able to conform to the dysfunctions that do exist in too many homes, today.That is why we have trained people capable of dealing with these disorders. Logically I understand that they cannot handle it and I do feel empathy for them but at the same time I do understand the family frustration and resentment tied to it as well.

Not once do people who have these attitudes themselves ever think of what their requests of us, their attitude towards us,or their total lack of gratitude for what we generously give to them might have something to do with our attitudes towards them. This is the unfortunate part of trying to keep people that we do care about in our lives. Ultimately when their constant remarks,sense of entitlement,and feelings of grandeur wear us down there are bound to be misunderstandings on the part of both of us.

Unfortunately the day will never come in some cases that the people will ask themselves what it is they may have said or done that led to our developing attitude that reflected against their behavior. Two things happen when we reach an impasse in life with people who we do care about. We can and do either flee and run or we stay and confront. I have in my lifetime found that people who felt they are born to a position in our lives or have entitlement over us will rarely be people that we can confront and reason with. After numerous attempts I have found the list against me only grows and the lack of understanding for my point of view only gives them more ammunition to add to their own cause.

When that happens in our lives it can literally lead to health problems of our own. Professionally trained people need to work with people of this nature. None of us can help a person who always feels that they are right and we are wrong. I personally think it is much more healthy to end the relationship before either of us are hurt further.
Often times when we do, that too gets misinterpreted but sometimes the only way that we can remain sane ourselves,is to walk away.

People who always see us as hateful,bitter,uncaring and having an attitude seldom make the connect with their own misunderstanding of our frustration and resentment or their rude behavior towards us are not listening and never will. Therefore I feel I do both of us a favor when I make the break before we end up hurting each other further and before it reaches the point that it does worsen our own health. Sometimes we just have no choice but to,”Let Go–Let God.”

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Symbiotic Relationships and Teenage Pregnancy

In cases of imagined or real persecution these relationships exist usually between a mother and her children. In 30 % of the cases they can also exist usually between a father and sons, for instance, if the father dreamt of being a Doctor or a sports star and failed to make it he will insist on his sons being a Doctor or a sports star or pay the consequences. Usually though men are more likely to form symbiotic relationships with their jobs.

Women that marry alcoholic or abusive men or suffer from persecution identity, can in some circumstances, form symbiotic relationships to varying degrees with their children. It is usually stronger in same-sex relationships. For instance when a symbiotic relationship is began with a mother’s children and a mother is being beaten she will promise her children protection against their father in exchange for their love exclusively.

If the mother suffers from both delusions of grandeur and persecution,or psychosis, and had great dreams for herself that were cut short because she got pregnant and had to marry,lacked the talent and ability, or simply could not afford her dream, she will try to gain her dream through usually her same-sex children or child if this disorder is present.

Sons are usually pressured just the same to take over the role of their fathers. She will promise her child or children protection against their father and do everything to provide them with their needs to achieve her goals in exchange for their love. It is understood that her children will excel and if not then she will abandon them. Next to living their mother’s dream their most important job on earth is to protect her and never do anything that will embarrass the family.

These relationships are not to be confused with normal relationships where all parents want their children to do their best and to be happy. In these relationships parents are protective in varying degrees by nature and never refuse this protection. Children are supported according to their own wants and healthy desires to choose according to their own maturity. The children grow up never questioning their parent’s love for them. Their parents are both disciplined and dependable.

The symbiotic relationships are formed before a child turns two in most cases. Mothers use their children as their confidants and usually the father as the enemy that ruined her dreams and she will protect her children against their own father so that he does not ruin the children’s dreams as well. In truth this is her second chance to live or relive her dream through her children rather than to allow the children their own dreams.The relationship between the spouses has broken down and the son (many times the eldest son) replaces his dad in the family whether the couple are married or divorced.

If a mother wanted to be a Beethoven, a redound dancer, or a beauty queen it will become the role of the daughter or daughters to achieve what she was never able to achieve. She will stop at nothing to make sure that happens as long as the daughters co-operates and do as they are told. It definitely is understood that the children will be the best and if not she will with hold her love or abandon them.

The mother will do what ever it takes and pay for any lessons it takes to make sure the children knows, that if she the mother, had not done everything that she did the children would never have been able to make it on their own. Even when the goal for them is her’s and her’s alone. On the other hand, any child that refuses to do as she or he are told or shares their love with another, are quickly sabotaged by the favored children that are agreeing with their mother. She also will with hold her love and ignore the child that refuses to co-operate in her dream. It becomes a very sick, sick family and as the children start rebelling the mother with holds her love from the ones that do not co-operate while she concentrates on the one or two that remain 100% loyal to her.

Because she does everything to make certain her children or child excel they become totally dependent and clinging on her and vulnerable to everything, every emotion or thought she has. Her goals become their goals and her dreams become their dreams. Their personalities, appearances, mannerisms, and thoughts all become enmeshed with her’s. The mother’s enemies are their enemies even when it is their father or sibling. The mother’s belief is their belief, and so-on-and-so-forth. They get straight A’s if that is important to her but it is not always a requirement,they are popular always,they are everything the mother wanted but could not achieve for herself.

She will go into a deep depression and spend days in her room,rages, and do anything to make the children vulnerable to pleasing her if they refuse to do as she tells them to do. Since the children are not living their dream but instead hers’ it becomes impossible for them to make any decisions on their own without checking with her first. If she has allowed them to or has hand-picked their spouses this will often lead to divorce. In short if she says “Jump they will jump”,literally.

These relationships are passed on from one generation to the next so are repeated from one generation to the next. The cycle only gets broken, as a rule, when something of a traumatic nature comes along in the life of the child that changes the path the next generation will take. Daughters or sons must be the best friend to their mothers. Always their mother is their best friend even when they do marry. The child or children will also lie when appropriate to make sure they keep their mother looking good and to protect her against all negative matters of life. The children or child that did not co-operate will be disowned and not included in family gatherings. All members that she deems that were loyal to her will remain a part of the family structure.

If young men and women do decide to rebell in the teenage years when it is normal with maturity to do so, it quite often makes their lives even more unbearable. Often times young girls will seek out that abusive man who her father was or seek out a man even worse since a good man sometimes is turned into evil by their mother’s imagination. She will get pregnant as a teenager just so that she can have some one in her life that loves her for being just herself. She has real resentment and can become very self-destructive for being turned into a mini-me. Young men will not marry in many cases until the mother dies and they are almost certain to be unmotivated. If a young male rebells he often times can become equally self-destructive and move miles away and even out of the country to get away from the control of his mother. If he does not rebel and the mother wants grandchildren then she may approve of a wife but the son will always turn to his mother rather than his wife when it comes to decision-making. These relationships are formed in all walks of lives and have nothing to do with class distinction, religion, or politics.

If we as a society could recognize the people who do suffer from mental illness and figure out some way to treat them more effectively than what we have done in the past then there would be far fewer people on drugs, in prison, or being hurt by dysfunctional families.

Until we do these families will all consider themselves normal because after all, they are only repeating what Mom did and she was a SAINT! Sadly then what is the sincere truth to the delusional or those in denial sometimes can be so far off base from reality that we feel as though we are being deliberately lied to when they think only they are telling the truth and it is we that are lieing.

I ask again–”Are Americans all insane”? Or have we just assigned our brains over to the ridiculous along with our common sense to the point we are no longer capable of thinking for ourselves? The lack of dedication, resources and commitment to the medical profession, granted to solving the problems, that go along with mental illness is a true tragedy in America. We need to find the compassion to help families that suffer from these diseases through research and science much in the same way we do for heart and cancer patients.

We Americans are better than what some families and the media are projecting us to be when it comes to both compassion and intelligence. We need to take back our brains and dust them off before they become like other muscles we do not use. We either need to use them or lose them.

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My Aunt The Care Giver

To protect the anonymity of my aunt I will change the names in this post to reflect the same. I write about her today to point out the human frailty that often accompanies the perspective of the person that gives all their life over to others and is slow to ever accept or ask for help.

My Aunt Mary often spoke about the hardships she suffered being a care giver to her neighbor and was of the attitude that the children did not care. I’m not sure if the neighbor told her that or if she felt it to be true on her own. She and her husband would do everything for the neighbor that clearly should have been getting professional care as it included changing diapers for him. This is not nor should it ever be expected to be the job of a neighbor.

To know my aunt was to know a person that swept into a room and took total control of a situation while pushing others aside and taking charge. She was the true epitome of a control freak. She was very out spoken and many I’m sure was intimidated by her but she had a heart as big as the “whole outdoors’.

Her husband ran a business in a small California town and she raised their three children and did volunteer work all her life. When he retired the two of them took care of the neighbor. Whether it was a situation in this case of children not caring or of her doing it and leading them to believe that they were glad to do it, will always be up to debate. She was not the type that would have likely complained to them.

I do know as long as we do take care of the responsibility of others they’re always going to be people who will let us. To imagine that generation of dads would not be out of character to understand a good possibility did exist that he never spent time with his children. It would not be just a remote possibility but more likely a reality. There is great truth in “what goes around comes around.”

As her niece I do know after that experience my uncle passed on and prior to his doing so, they both had agreed that they would never again be a care giver to anyone. Anyone that has ever been a caregiver to the elderly does realize that many times the disabled person has a real resentment for the care giver.

No one wants to admit that they need help and instead some will even invent stories of living a life where they are very active doing their own work or socializing when they in truth are hiring or manipulating people to do what they claim to be doing. Sometimes they will claim to belong to a group or volunteering and go once or twice a year, if that, but claim to be going each week. Many times it is nothing more than a fantasy or delusion of their minds. It is important that family members, living a distance away,give as much if not more credibility to the mental health of their loved ones as they do to their physical health. Bickering between the disabled and care giver then is not unusual.

As life would have it and there being a great deal of truth in the old phrase,”never say never” once more aunt Mary felt the call to be a care giver. Her sister would have a stroke and require home and nursing care. This was a situation that Aunt Mary felt only she was capable of handling. Although there were many complaints by other nieces that my Aunt Helen’s daughter did not step up and take care of her mother there is no doubt in my mind that she would not have been able to fight off Aunt Mary to do so if she had tried.

Aunt Helen spent money to have a large bedroom and bath built onto Aunt Mary’s home and the two sisters would live together for 18 years. As is so often the truth this ended up being a situation where Aunt Mary took control thinking she had control over her life and would talk about when her sister passed on she would move closer to her own daughter and have a life of her own. She was well past her 90th birthday still talking in this manner.

The two sisters bickered constantly with each other but both spoke low knowing that neither could hear well so neither were as aware as others around them just how poorly the two did get along. No one ever doubted their love for each other but it was clearly a hardship on both of them. It was primarilly Aunt Helen that would complain about Aunt Mary but at the same time it was always obvious that Aunt Mary and Aunt Helen were grateful to have each other in their lives.

Both remained very up and positive towards life all of their life despite their living situation. My aunt Mary and Aunt Helen would bake for their neighbors up to the last days of their lives. Aunt Mary would even go defrost the refrigerator and clean the house for her grandson, who divorced, even when she was 92 years of age. This was a woman that was a millionaire and certainly could have hired help but in truth she never felt anyone could do it as well as she could.

She had COPD as well as had suffered a couple minor heart attacks and had congestive heart failure and yet she still talked about a life that she looked forward to, of just her own, once her sister passed on.

Clearly she adapted to denial well and lived with it comfortably in order to justify her being a care giver to her sister who was two years older. Her own daughter was well into her sixties before Aunt Mary would let her do the dishes following Aunt Mary and Aunt Helen cooking for the family of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren gathering. Aunt Mary would dole out the duties she would do and those that she would allow Aunt Helen to do.

Finally at the age of 91 with her sister being 93 and incontinent and on a walker, Aunt Mary decided she could no longer take care of Aunt Helen so she went to a convalescent home. Even then Aunt Mary would show up each day to make certain that Aunt Helen had a good lunch provided her and to give orders to the staff that she acknowledged was doing a good job. She made sure that Aunt Helen would spend the holidays at home with her and around family.

At 93 Aunt Mary suffered from congestive heart failure and was hospitalized in a retirement center barking out orders and sadly quite bitter for a life that she looked forward to but never got to live. Her sister Aunt Helen would out live her by 4 months.

My true story then is about the risk that the compassionate amongst us all take by always putting others before our own needs. Do we actually really serve our purpose when our lives are lived for others? Isn’t it human to give and then to complain about it? Although from the outside looking in my Aunt Mary may have looked like a Saint to many, one does need to remember the number of years she spent complaining about being a care giver,however, so that we do not repeat the mistake.

It certainly does not make loved ones feel good in their grieving when they know that a loved one was unhappy in their life and died bitter as a result of it. Did she defeat her own purpose of life or is she still controlling our thoughts from the grave? None of us ever knows the truth of another so why do we always speak as though we do? Perhaps that is the lesson that Aunt Mary taught us and is the one that would do us well to retain.

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To Care Givers Everywhere

This is not intended for those care givers that give unselfishly of themselves and have no strings attached to the dedication that you give time and time again. However if you are going to be the one that steps up to the plate and give care to the disabled I recommend that you educate yourself on the disorder that afflicts the family member or neighbor that you are offering to help. Also make certain that it is something that you wish to do without any expectation of staying if it does not work out with you’re doing so.

There is no crime in turning a loved one over to professional care when it works as a detriment to your own needs as well as your family needs. In some cases there are people who will be competent enough to take care of themselves and only require minimal care but have the attitude of entitlement and being waited on for their every need.

More times than not the family that shares the roof with this individual and understands their history prior to their needing care will know the patient best. Too many able-bodied people have the attitude that they are princesses or had a wife that waited on them and now have the right to be waited on by others.

Their entitlement out weighs another’s right to determine the difference between those needs. This may not be a problem unless the patient is inventing reality and then forcing others to live that reality. Many times the disability is more of a mental nature than a physical nature and if the caregiver does not understand the difference they can be bullied for years and totally drained by their good intention to help.

When this person ages then this entitlement increases. The mere fact that they are past an age gives them the entitlement to have anyone or anything at their disposal in the mind of the dependent. When they cannot manipulate a family member often times they will reach out and find a caregiver in their neighborhood.

When the neighbor falls for their stories of need it quite often will interfere with the longevity of the person wanting to be waited on when it comes to the need of long term home or health care. The well intentioned neighbor, friend, or family member can actually lead to the demise of the person living out old age in their own home. The longer a person can remain independent by their own right the longer they will be able to take care of themselves and live in their own homes. By manipulating someone to do the things they can do but simply do not want to do these people many times are not using the necessary muscles that keep all of us going into old age.

Knee replacement and or hip replacement are both intended to let the elderly remain on their own longer. Many people will view it as a new lease on life and it will accomplish what it was intended to accomplish. It can be difficult to judge the level of the floor following these surgeries but getting comfortable using a cane will almost always alleviate the balance problem sometime tied to this. Others will definitely use it as a reason to become dependent on others. The main thing that a care giver needs to know before they do get involved is to what extent they will help this person. The risk of doing too much for them will more likely cause them to go into nursing care as verses their remaining independent and able to remain in their home longer.

Remember these people many times can talk a good story and keep pretenses going but it does not mean there is any truth to the statements they make. When there is a family member that not only believes this person’s lies but works as an enabler or co-dependent to enforce these lies on other family members then the ones trying to help make the manipulator remain independent and able to take care of their own needs will often times run head on into those that have a need to make or keep this person dependent.

It is not unusual for a care giver to feel that their own lives are more fulfilled if they offer help to their neighbor or their parent when many times that is the last thing anyone should be doing as it will ony quicken the person’s need to bully others to do the same or to lose physical ability to care for themselves.

Retirement like disability with aging works best when people view it as a way to re-invent themselves and look forward to a happy and an independent freedom to enjoy their life on their terms taking care of their own needs. For those that have spent their lives taking orders or giving orders sometimes instead of it being a “get out of jail free” card the person ends up being lost and without direction. This also happens in the case of widows and widowers so it is important that before we do reach out to help others that we do know both if not all three of the sides to the story and that we aren’t simply getting involved to serve our own need to feel better about ourselves over their needs.

Anything to do with health needs to be handled by the person that has the health problem. It is the only way that the person will understand the difficulty or lack of difficulty they are up against. If a person for instance insists on taking our arm instead of using a cane we only assist them in delaying their own need to be independent enough to go or take the direction that they want to take rather than have them give us orders to take the direction they wish to take. The care giver may prefer to use their arm over encouraging the use of the cane as a way to control the disabled as well.

As caregiver we need to encourage them to take care of their needs. If it is mental sometimes we do them a terrible disservice not to put them in a place where the staff is trained for their special needs. I am a firm believer in neighbor helping neighbor and family helping family unless a reality that never existed is being invented and then we are being forced to live in that reality with the person requiring care.

Our truth as our soul is what we will be called on to have judged on Judgement Day. For anyone to take that or for us to give it away is only to deny ourselves the right to our own truth and the existence of our soul. Many times the health of the care giver will worsen beyond that of the person being taken care of. It is a very intricate balance of sometimes taking on more than many are capable of doing.

In many cases it requires the need of professionals as verses neighbor,friend or family care. It is important that we as care givers do know our limits in cases where the person requiring care will abuse and mistreat the care giver in order to manipulate them and cause undo stress to worsen the care giver’s own health. It is always wise to understand that many times things are not as they appear.

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