Emotions Denied

Many times in a marriage or a close relationship and while raising children we will see emotions that not only appear out-of-place but they are,for instance, depressed people will quite often laugh or people who have feelings that are hurt will get angry when both would do better to acknowledge their feelings have been hurt or they are feeling sad.  To often relationships will end or be pulled apart because we do not understand our own emotions.

In dysfunctional homes, which comprises of the majority of homes, children are not allowed  to have or to express emotions or worse yet, they are mocked for having these feelings.  As a result of stilted emotions in childhood, many of us do grow up in denial of our own true emotions.  Boys and men have been told for generations that a show of emotion is a sign of weakness just as women have heard for years that they are too emotional to lead. We now know both are the thinking of backward beliefs. We need to know that the Leaders of  business and the World do care about those who they lead and that they will make decisions affecting all of us based, on their concern for our needs and futures.

We just had an election where all Americans were concerned because Romney did not show emotions so we felt the candidate lacked sincerity.  Emotions that are denied in both genders often leads instead to stilted leadership and unfair practices in both business and government and leaves people feeling that the person lacking any show of the same is untrustworthy. When we deny or hide emotion we cause an imbalance of stress in not only our lives but those who share our life with us.

Those under the most stress will often deny that they have stress while often times those who cause stress in other people’s’ lives will be the first to complain that they are under a great deal of stress. Sometimes they are taking their own stress out on others but many times it is used as an excuse for poor behavior on their part as well.  People other times are relieving their stress on others, without even being aware that they are. Determining our own stress related causes is especially important due to the many stressed related diseases that do lead to death in not only ourselves but our loved ones as well.  When it does not affect our health,which is rare indeed, it often leads to the end of really important relationships in our lives.

Too many times we just keep going on and never-changing our patterns in life and in doing so the stress builds up in us.  In areas where noises are constant such as  traffic noises, or trains and planes passing, we may be suffering stress and be totally unaware of the stress caused by noise factors.  Parents have been yelling at children for generations because the loud music teenagers often play, may be relaxing to some, while it causes stress in others.

When children feel stressed we quite often find that they will begin to bicker with each other.  When they are not under stress they will play together in harmony.  When we buy a child under stress a gift or set them in front of a television we do nothing to alleviate the stress they are feeling.  If we send them to their room instead of setting them down and asking them why they are exhibiting inappropriate behavior their stress will continue to build. Other times if we ask them to think about why they are behaving the way they are and to report back to us when they have figured it out, they will come up with their own answers. Other times they will blame others before they understand that their own emotions are coming from eternal changes happening in their own bodies.

Children are no different from adults in that to often, instead of dealing with the truth of their emotions, they will blame the closest to them for their own bad behavior.  Many times it is, we the parents who are accused to be at fault by our children and too many times,out of a feeling of guilt, because we parents have not dealt with our own emotions, we will reward instead of punish their bad behavior.   There are many different ways in childhood, when stress occurs, and our emotions get dismissed,ignored, or criticized. If we reward bad behavior instead of discussing it because we are buying off our own unresolved guilt we can create a monster no differently than we create the same future adult through cruel and abusive treatment in childhood. Other times bad behavior is better explained through chemical imbalances in the brain and our children need early intervention at this time.

When we add abusive punishment to an already stressed child we risk ending up with two kinds of adult behaviors.  We may either have very angry adults or we have adults who live in denial of their own emotions, so they stuff their feelings instead of acknowledging them and releasing their emotions through expression.  When people stuff down  their emotions  they often exhibit their emotions in other ways such as in over spending or shopping, being overtly sexual in their behavior, turning to drugs and alcohol,weight gain or lost,or excessive sleeping.

Many dismissed or ignored emotions are the explanation for why angry adults are not aware their own anger lies in hurt feelings from childhood instead, and why they live and breathe the idea that others are to blame when they become angry or withdraw.  Too often we hear abused partners in a marriage or a relationship say but they are so kind and thoughtful when they are not angry.Other times adults will withdraw emotionally and use it as a form of control over others who are left wondering, sometimes due to their own insecurities, if they said or did something wrong.  Both behaviors are terribly destructive not just in the life of adults but in the lives of children as well. When we give children excuses for poor behavior without taking time to understand their bad behavior they will often times grow up and excuse poor behavior in others and sadly it does reach the point that they accept abusive behavior through the reasoning that they love the abuser or they become the abuser themselves.

When we do leave abusive relationships because we recognize how destructive they are to us, we need to get professional help, many times, to understand what it was in us that allowed someone else to mistreat us.  If we try to go back into a relationship without resolving our own emotions or discussing our differences with them, we will only repeat the mistakes of our past. They will not change or become less abusive just because we wish them to.

If the other person in the relationship, tells us they want to start all over and leave the past unresolved, too often we only rehurt ourself all over again because the same words or behavior that hurt us in the past will keep reoccurring unless both of us are strong enough to talk it through and to put an end to it that is welcoming and calming to both of us.  Just because we wish to change does not mean they do as well.  Too often people who live their lives blaming someone other than themselves, also die that way.We often find this to be true when adult children try to make up with a parent or spouses try to reunite.

Stress related diseases are not found in the remains of the caveman so how do we explain that foraging for food and not knowing if they ate or not was not stressful? The explanations can be as complicated or as simple as we make them.  More than likely, it is the simple explanations; they did not know differently because they lived in an isolated environment in communes where everyone else shared their same lifestyle,  competition to succeed was not a part of their environment, nor were outside aggravations from other influences that affect modern man a part of their lives, everyone was dependent on everyone else in their group for their survival so when problems arose or they needed to hunt together,they worked the problems out through communication or they were not pressed for time because their lives were less complicated.  The stress that we experience was not a part of their lives and therefore the stress related diseases that we see today, were not present either.

There are a number of ways that we can relieve stress that do not cost money and bankrupt us as adults with the most important one being to listen to our children and to validate their feelings.  We can go out together as a family for pizza, to the park, or camp out and go fishing, go to the beach, take time out of our busy days to walk together or to set together at the dinner table and discuss our days.  The things that we do with our children together, is  what helps make them grow up as calm adults.  Placing them in an activity while we send them in a car pool does not replace that family time that children crave.

In a relationship men need male bonding as much as women need female companionship.  If we do not trust our relationship or marriage enough to accept that there will be times in all of our relationships and marriages that we need to give each other space then, more than likely, we should not make plans to commit to the relationship for life.  Trust is the necessary foundation of all relationships and without it we are only lying to ourselves if we cannot trust enough to let go.  Women quite often need to release stress through hobbies or crafts just as men do through sports or hunting or both need space to paint or write.  It is o.k. to play or watch sports, to hunt or share a hobby together, but to become inseparable when we are young, will usually cause more problems in the relationship than what we will find when we give each other the space we each need, to develop our own interests and responsibilities separately,occasionally.

When we are dealing with a marriage or an adult relationship, many times it is a necessity to have space from each other. We both should be aware of the person who refuses us the necessary space because they could very well be possessive or interested in forming a relationship of co-dependence, that shuts out all of our other important friendships and family members.  It is not always the inseparable couple who are the happiest.  Quite often it is the opposite of a happy couple, but instead a smothered couple.

In any relationship it helps to have other interests that gives us space as we need separate space just as much as we need shared space.  Sometimes when days off are limited, in marriages as in friendships,or families, it does help to take separate vacations if our interests are not shared.When we are a young family then it is always  wise to use our days off to expose our children to other parts of the Country or World so they are not intimidated when they need to move on with their own lives.  It does us well to understand that vacation time can be just as stressful on children as it can be on adults.  It’s always best to start with short trips and limited days until they get older.

Absence may not make our hearts grow fonder, so to speak, but we often find out that the reason we are feeling bad has nothing to do with the person we are blaming but everything to do with our own inability to deal with our own unresolved emotions from another happenstance in our lives, when we make space for ourselves and take time to reflect. This does not mean that we do not make shared time and interests just as much of a priority and we remain close as a couple because if we spend too much time apart we can become a high risk couple as well.  Like everything in life it is about balance while recognizing the importance of sharing our time as well.

I caution all of us to think before we find our own behavior destroying our own lives, when we instead are blaming it on others who truly do care about us and are innocent of our own hurt feelings or anger. At the same token, I caution everyone to think equally as hard about the solutions that will be resolved prior to going back to an old abusive relationship or starting a new one, since past behavior often indicates future behavior. When people begin lying to themselves about their emotional history, in order to believe their own lies or to embrace denial, reality is no longer their long suit and they become totally unaware of the fact that they are lying to themselves as well as their loved ones.

Sometimes  people,who refuse to accept responsibility for their own poor behavior, really are at fault when it comes to the hurt in us. We are in trouble if we are making too many excuses for them by rewarding bad behavior and taking responsibility for it ourselves. Other times we may be blaming others because of our own unresolved emotions. If we do not allow people to mistreat us they cannot mistreat us but we need to be certain it isn’t we who are mistreating ourselves the most.

If we cannot resolve these issues on our own it often saves the best relationships we will ever have, if we seek out professional help, before we end the relationships. If communications are impossible because they refuse to take shared responsibility for the problems in our relationships or we refuse to hear what they are saying, then we need help.  We cannot force others to view the problems the same way we do or see problems when they were not aware that any existed.

If we cannot afford counseling then a good friend who understands what makes others tick, because they have experience in life, may be able to help us, as long as we do not blame them for failing to say the things we want to hear.  If we find them agreeing with us instead of pointing out both sides, then seek out someone else because they are not challenging us to see beyond our already written in the stone beliefs. People tell us not to make rash judgements for a reason with the main reason being ,when we do, we often hurt ourselves far worse than we do anyone else if we fail to deal with our own emotions,first.

Be kind and know that unless we resolve our own emotional history we will not find the joy we seek nor will we find it in someone else.  It is true, “that familiarity often breeds contempt,” because those who truly care about us are the closest to us.  Many times we also know them better than they know themselves, and we make it more difficult for them to make excuses or to lie to themselves when they know, we know the truth, and they refuse to take responsibility for their own emotions or behavior.

We can also be the first hurt by those who are in denial of their own emotions, as we are the ones who often get lied about the most since the goal of the person in denial is to protect that denial at all cost. As difficult as it is in the beginning, if they are not willing to deal with reality in time, we begin to feel the relief of being out of their drama and realize the value of being free from the same, once we do heal.

No one but ourselves can make us happy or at peace with others.Nor is it their job to do so. Other people can add to or compliment our own happiness or joy only if we have already found happiness through our own approval of self, and acceptance of others’ rights to find their own happiness with or without us. At the same token other people can only destroy that inner-peace in us, if we give them permission to do so.

It is very difficult work that is involved and often takes years of laying our heads on the pillow content with knowing we do feel complete because we have given much more to life than we have subtracted from it. We also must be aware that to be real, our contentment in life never wavers no matter how many times it gets challenged,as it will be challenged many more times in life. We cannot mistake what I am writing about with the narcissists who feel they are entitled to everything they get.

We must be cognizant of the fact there are people who are more content with being a victim,due to their delayed or stunted emotional growth, than they are with being a winner. We need to accept that many times those we think we are the closest to are the most toxic to us, just as we must learn to accept those we think are our enemy often times are our best friend. People prove their loyalty to us time and time again but sadly too many people often put their faith in those who don’t support them, because the people they protect lead them into believing they are a victim.

It is the nature of mankind to react to tragedy and injustice when we see it and if we are not selfish by nature, we offer help and support, to those who truly do suffer.  Unfortunately there are those who prey on that factor and want us to feel they are a victim as well.  Too many times those who do not deal with their own emotional history will  use our naivety or kindness to their advantage to manipulate those of us who do care. It especially occurs in those who do not take a good long hard look at themselves and ask,”Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes and hurting myself in the process.

It is nice to write about something other than politics again and now that we are done celebrating our Country’s victory, some of us need to get to work on our own victories. It often entails hard work when we do wish to be honest with ourselves and others. The efforts to know ourselves are greatly rewarded when we do.

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It’s Not You,It’s Me

“It’s not you, it’s me,” is the biggest break up line that is used or heard, by all of us, who are in and out of relationships.More times than not, there is a great deal of truth to it, and we ourselves, are totally confused as to why this relationship,that we had so many hopes for, has failed.Other times, we/they knew it was doomed from the start and the words “It’s not you, it’s me” often are used to let someone we/they have dated or been with,for a while, down easy. It is equal to,”can we still be friends?”

When we understand there is more truth to it than not, we will be wise to examine ourselves to discover why it is that we cannot commit or are willing to settle for less than what we deserve. If that is not the problem, it is quite possible our alarms were going off and it is a good thing we got out of the relationship.

Other times we/they were just stringing us/them along, because we/they were lonely and had hopes that,maybe, if we/they gave us/them a chance, something could work out. Other times, we/they may be fearful of the aggression or anger in us/them, so we/they try to spare ourselves or themselves from the anger, as well.

If you follow or read my posts then you understand that I always encourage ourselves to take responsibility for the role we play in relationships.I do not do that because I feel we are always wrong or at fault. I do that because it is so much easier to deal with pain and heal from it, once we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and we understand our own motives.If we are looking for less than what we establish as our goals, or have placed the bar so high as to be unattainable for any human to achieve,we need to know both about ourselves,first.

Many times people are placed in our lives to teach us and to learn from them, so we quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and unless we evaluate ourselves, as to why we keep inviting the same type of person into our lives, we will never change the pattern.

It is hard enough to be betrayed or hurt once by someone without allowing them to hurt us over and over again, because we end up hating them and obsessing over it, for months or sometimes years. Each time we express hate and anger towards another we hurt ourselves one more time, because we fail to realize that it is many times ourselves, who we are angry at, since we were warned or recognized something was wrong, but ignored the warnings anyway.

We often feel we can handle the problem or allow others to mistreat us, and then later become upset at ourselves, because we find that it was a far greater problem than what we were prepared to deal with.By harboring hate against another, we many times harbor unrest against ourselves,as well.

When we do this,especially when it is the father or mother of our child or children, those who are the closest to us more times than not, are hurt by our obsessing as well.All the ranting and raving that we are doing is teaching our children that people of the other gender, will hurt us,so therefore they can’t trust anyone to the point that they will find they are going into relationships looking for and finding fault,many times, where fault does not even exist.

Too often, both we and they will dismiss relationships that are with honorable people because we/they go looking for the jerks since we have taught them as well as ourselves, that every one of the opposite gender, is a jerk or a bitch anyway, so we might as well let these people into our lives. Other times they will choose these people, looking for the love they felt they lost out on with their absent parents. Other times we and they will sell themselves or ourselves short, thinking they or we are damaged goods, and do not deserve any better.

We often hear people ask,”Do I have a jerk magnate attached somewhere?” If we are opposite of the person who does not learn to trust and are too trustworthy,the answer is sometimes,” yes,”and can be comparable to those who fail to trust.

The thing a jerk looks for, in their next relationship, is how easy we are to con or manipulate.If we are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings it will stand out as a “sore thumb”, to those who are only looking for someone to believe their bag of lies,hard luck stories, or they are planning on using us. Many women as well as men will check out our financial status before and then pretend to bump into us, when it has been planned from the beginning.

Other times we may be the type of person who responds well to having our ego stroked or to romance. They will pick up on that as well and flood us with compliments and roses followed by candle lit dinners. Other times they are only looking for the thrill of the challenge and will disappear once they can add another notch to their belts.

The reality of life is that not all people are nice people. Many are narcissists either giving the appearance of or living financially successful lives, because they are experts at getting what they want for themselves. Others will betray us,while others seek out the vulnerable to use, so they never have to work a day in their lives. Sometimes they are very charming and good-looking and can peel the clothes right off of us, but it does not change the fact that their motives are deceitful.

Not all people are deliberately devious,on the other hand,either. In many cases people simply do not learn common courtesy and are insensitive by nature, because they have not been exposed to living any differently.Many a husband or wife has had to provide what was missing in the life of their spouse, due to the lack of direction or maturity in taking responsibility, prior to meeting them.

We cannot provide them with what we think is/was missing, however, unless they recognize they need help and wish us to. We can only offer guidance according to the needs and understanding of both people co-operating. We will not fix or control them to get our own needs met or to force our parent’s idea of what works, on them, without having disastrous results.

Since neither we or our spouse are our parents or their parents,but instead two separate individuals, we need to establish a more amenable set of rules, to be able to conform to the new awareness of our generation, for our own sake and that of our children.If one of us came from an overly strict household where another came from a home that allowed more self-expression, then we need to reach an agreement on what rules to keep or which to discard.

We need to compete with the current generation in which we live by determining the mixture of morality from both of our homes, that we both agree to keep as a couple.Every couple needs to agree on and establish their own value system in order to keep confusion out of the lives of their children.

To go into a relationship,thinking differently, when we neither know who we are or if our own parenting reasoning is sound, often means that we will not know if what we find lacking or missing in them, is not our own interpretation, when in truth, they are the better prepared to help us, if we do not understand ourselves.It takes mutual respect of both our differences as well as our likes along with the person we are or are meant to be, to determine what will work best in any relationship. It is when we make demands on another to be someone they are not, we need to take responsibility for our own mistakes.

When we understand the differences, because we are better grounded ourselves,we will be able to distinguish between the naive,the confused and the deliberate, unless we come from a similar background.If neither of us have been taught morality then we need to establish a new set of rules. In that case we may both be helped by tuning in more to our own short comings and changing that part of ourselves in an effort to teach our children the importance of character. Compassion and empathy for each other, or the lack of it, will usually show through and are hard to disguise, long-term.If we cannot offer both we will usually find that both will be slow to be returned to us.

If we all know and understand ourselves first, then we will know the difference between what makes us respond or react. When our feelings are mixed up and confused then we need to use our common sense and reasoning.Common sense will tell us if we are confused when we do not refuse to listen to it.

No one human being has not been hurt as a result of making assumptions that were wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.We are not different or unique or stupid in doing the same. It does us no good to get down on ourselves when we do make a mistake,but we do need to learn from our mistakes by dealing with ourselves. Sometimes we will need to talk to someone who has been where we are and who can help us reason more clearly.We need to avoid those who we know are not good for us instead of seeking them out.

I am tired of seeing the true losers in life, destroy good people who are sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time. Any time we are vulnerable because we have not allowed ourselves to grieve from the lost of a loved one,our health, or income, then we need to be exceptionally careful before making rash decisions.

When we understand our own strength and weaknesses, then we will understand where and when we need to protect ourselves and forget about hurting the feelings of those who have ulterior motives. When we do we will recognize those who operate on both payback as well as their own agendas only.

Unless we can get rid of the false bravado that too many of us carry, that it will never happen to us, because we are too smart, we will not learn to trust our own instincts. By understanding that bad things can happen to good people, we will take the blame off of ourselves and instead accept that we were unprepared but will make certain we will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Too many times it is as simple as our being in the wrong place at the wrong time emotionally or mentally,because we were not prepared or did not even know there would be risk. My posts are about learning that we can trust, once we trust the fact that we have prepared ourselves through knowledge of ourselves instead of wasting time blaming others.

Unless we take full responsibility for our own self as well as our own behavior, from rising in the morning to retiring at night, we leave a door open for jerks to enter. We will commonly know someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend are a real bitch or jerk, because many times we spend too much of our time judging them or evaluating our friend’s relationships, when this time would be better spent on evaluating ourselves.

Nothing protects or gives back more than learning our own strengths and weaknesses.Knowledge will teach us to strengthen our weaknesses, while letting up on our paranoia. Life and dating should always be about loving and enjoying because we can trust our own motives, as well as our own choices.

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Setting Standards In Our Life

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

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Words Do Hurt…..They Destroy

Although, I quote a great deal of cliché’s because they do ring true, who ever came up with,”Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” had to be one callous human being or had no reality based idea just how often verbal abuse can and does destroy relationships for life.

The greatest tragedy of all is that painful words used amongst children are often the number one cause of suicide amongst our young people. What children are doing to children with the use of derogatory words on their computers,cell phones,the school bus and the playground across America has risen to a new level of hate. That adults would stoop to the level of children when using the same words against their own children or others should sicken us all.

I’m always amazed when I hear mothers firing back words like”little Bitch” to their daughters or you “little bastard” to their sons and forgetting they are supposed to be the adult. Calling our daughters and sons names when it is our job to eliminate the name calling is a tragedy in more ways than one.

Even in the best of situations (if we can call it that) name calling is the one thing that women or children will never forget.When parents call their daughters little whore or slut or equally disturbing words there is never any taking the words back. The more childish we behave as adults with the name calling the more we are destroying the ability for a loved one to like us and the more damage we are doing to Society as a whole. Too often these words are being learned from parents and passed on to children.

Just as adults when the men we love or care about or our family members label us with name calling or claim we are worthless, it hurts, even when we are older. When abusers think we are just using the milder of names, there is no such thing, because under moments of high stress, if we are in the habit of name calling the worse of the worse will slip out. Words are like brands on cattle we can never take them back or remove them. All apologies will ring hollow in the ears of the verbally abused, for a lifetime.

Too many people seem to be clueless to the fact that loving each other is not the problem. Liking each other is a real struggle. The more we use words in the form of name calling or in other derogatory forms to try to end an argument the more we set ourselves up to destroy our relationships for life. Not only do we need to stop acting like children and quit using name calling as a response mechanism; our children need to be punished with cell phone or Wii removal for a period of time, or something that will cause a hardship in their lives the first time we hear the words of disrespect come out of their mouths. We can not expect our children to respect us or others, if we never teach respect.

If we are calling names ourselves then it is going to be tough for them to have any respect for us if we do it and punish them for it.”Do as I say not as I do,” has never worked and we only fool ourselves by thinking or saying,”this is my home and I can do anything I want,” or “as long as you live under my roof you will do as you are told.” Both phrases only convince them that we are either a bully or think they are stupid.

They know we not only have a moral obligation to raise our children to adulthood but a legal one as well. If our children are still living at home after they are old enough to be on their own it only tells them that we will never force them out anyway, regardless of how they speak to us.

Verbal abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to defend against. When we allow ourselves to stoop to the level of children by name calling we destroy the respect of our children many times for life.No different than husbands and wives do when they do the same thing.

We give to and sacrifice for our children because we love them and want to give to them,in many cases, but another well-worn phrase that means nothing to our children is,”after all the things that I have done for you.” Children are about as manipulative as they come and they get smarter every year. They also understand that if they tell us that such and such has and I don’t have…..a great deal of what we will buy for them, is many times purchased to stop the child from whining,to gain our children’s love,to make ourselves look good,to compete with our friends, or simply that they won when they got what they wanted because we were too stupid (in their minds) to know we were being played by them.

Too many people just form the idea that our children are rebelling and do not bother to do anything about it. Yes if we have done our jobs and taught them to be self-sufficient and then turn around and treat them like babies or if we haven’t done our jobs, teenagers will rebel. What too many parents do not understand is there is almost always a reason for those bad moods as well. We need to get to the bottom of why the outbursts are becoming more and more frequent. Parents who withdraw during this time of their children’s’ life thinking what ever it is they are just going to have to work it out for themselves because they are adults now, can make or break the difference in the lives of their child.

“Our children need to know we trust them,” is the most ridiculous response we can give to rebellion.What they really need to know is they have a parent in their life who gives a damn if they do make a mistake. Many times they are going through the worse struggles of their lifetimes and there will never be any time in their lives that they will need their parents more than during this time. They need our ability to guide them when they are in doubt or do not have the capacity to work themselves out of the mess they may have gotten themselves into,still often after they leave home, but definitely while they are still at home.

We must make them know we are approachable and welcome them in our lives. If we offer both a refrigerator filled with Coke or Pepsi and a private place for them to gather they will many times make our homes their “crash Pads”(sorry that is an old 60′s phrase). Other times if we are up when they come home they many times will want to talk if they know we are accessible and we are playing the adult role expected of parents.

They all have friends what they really need are parents.I do understand the difficulty of getting them to talk, sometimes is like trying to have a conversation with a porcupine, but reaching out to them at this time in their lives will often spell the difference between success or failure in their lives.If we are ever going to be the grown ups it is never more important than this time of their lives.

If we are childish enough to call them names or go after them on attack they will be at their friends houses getting the advice, many times, that will be the last thing we want them to be getting. Like for instance,” have another beer or do you want a smoke before you leave?” Our children only bring their nicest friends around to meet us. Those that they know we will never approve of but who have the connections to the”good times” are the ones we never meet.

We parents need to reach out and offer understanding during the teen years as well as be on our toes full-time as to where they are hanging out and who they are spending time with. When we do find out we need to ask questions in regards to what their thoughts are in how they plan on handling a situation and ask them if we can offer a little imput to the situation. When we go in with all barrels drawn on the attack and stinging them with name calling we will never be part of this important time of their lives.

I repeat that both children and sometimes adults, become what we say they are. The more positive you/we are towards our/your children and wives the more positive they will be in return and it works the same with negativity. Call your daughters or wife a whore and they will often prove you correct, regardless of what age they are.For all of us adults who do not already know and understand this, many times it is the person who is having the affair that yells foul the fastest and the loudest.

If we refuse to grow up our children will do the same. They are faced with so many mixed emotions as in one way they cannot wait until they leave home and in another they wouldn’t mind being a child for a lifetime if we have been generous to them while they were growing up. We have already had our chance and now its time we be the grown up who guides the family through the storm. When we guide them through the toughest parts of adolescence and their young adult years so they become the people they were meant to be,it will be the best journey we ever take when the grandchildren are placed in our arms.

(If this subject matter sounds familiar it is because I have written on it several times in the past. I will continue doing so until I quit hearing Parents say,”What can we do? They are teenagers,” Next to the new-born stages they are the most important years of our child’s development, in my opinion. Good Luck and enjoy the humbling experience they teach us all.)

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Cont…..But He Is A Good Father

The two biggest arguments that women use when staying in an abusive relationship are:”I still love him,” and “He is a good father.”

If we could get through the message to people who are abused that it takes both people to show and express love and that love does not hurt then perhaps the abused would look at their relationships more realistically. I’m not sure how we do that,myself, as many times the abused have been told so many times “how worthless they are.” many are convinced that they and their children can not survive if they do leave the marriage. All I do know for certain is that telling women that they do have a duty and obligation to go back to the marriage bed and to try harder to work with their husbands and to pray does not work and often leads to tragedy to the entire family.

All the favorite meals,mood lightening, and following detail to the explicit demands of an abuser does nothing towards stopping the abuse, either. One of the other problems of abuse is many times when women do say, “I don’t have time to do what he wants today,” and he does come home and beats her,she will think it is her fault because she did not follow orders. The abused do start believing that they are as dumb,fat, and ugly as they are being told they are by the abuser. They all forgive and promise they will never do it again,of course,but it never last. During the forgiveness period many are that sweet loveable person the women fell in love with and they become convinced they are deeply in love and could never leave, all over again. Living in fear becomes a rush and if it does not become comfortable then it becomes normal for them, the longer it goes on. It becomes easier all the time to deny all of the rest.

Of course, a parent who is thinking clearly, would never say,”He mistreats me but he is a good father.” We all understand that children cannot watch turmoil between their parents and come out with anything but psychological damage as a result of it.We know that whether children are watching abuse take place on others or it being inflicted on themselves, it alters the personality of the person they were meant to be as early as 3 years of age. To cause this kind of damage to a child does not make any of us a good parent when we realize that this type of harm or damage will affect the entire life of our children. They will grow up totally confused as to how to effectively deal with a relationship and many times will abuse themselves.

Other times the children come out just as demoralized as the battered women because just as she has no self-esteem or identity beyond him neither do the children. The sons will often repeat the same disgusting names to both their mother or sisters as are coming out of the mouth of the abuser.Many times he learns that the only value women have is to wait on and look after a man. The sons learn to bully and the daughters learn to withdraw, other times sons will become intimidated and withdraw while daughters become more aggressive and tend to become more sexually active when incest, many times becomes part of the abuse as well. This is typical behavior patterns when the abused are saying.”He is a good father.” no differently than when the children are being beaten as well.

Policemen can pick up the mentally ill and have them hospitalized without family approval in cases of discovery according to the Baker law. The problem is that putting women into shelters under the same circumstances will often times jeopardize the safety of the other abused women who are in hiding. If the victims do not want to go or be there, which is often the case, they will get ahold of their abusers and let them know where they are and once the secret address of the shelter becomes known then the safety it offers for other abused victims no longer exists.

Like all of the problems that do seem unsolvable there are solutions once an entire community of experts put their heads together to come up with different ideas. Sadly that all costs money and time and too many do not have one or the other to offer to the group. I am the first to admit that I do not have much to offer in way of solution,myself. I just understand that as long as we ourselves go into denial when our friends tell us they ran into something that gave them the black eye,because we do not want to embarrass our friend,we do the abused a disservice by not discussing it. Too many are ashamed to talk about it but once confronted by understanding instead of accusations, when the relationship is a close one,many times they will want to talk.

If we educate ourselves on the knowledge available to them like going to see their Doctor or the police and enquire about getting into a shelter or they will only repeat the behavior until it becomes worse, we can help empower them. Offering sympathy will only make them feel better temporary and they will go back to the abuse. Other times they will rely on us for their courage and do nothing else, Many times when the abuser finds out the abused are relying on a confidant they will end the relationship. I repeat, we need to empower them to get help so they do not rely on our hand holding but instead rely on their own ability to seek help.

Currently in some of the States when police are being called to domestic calls, both the abuser and the victim are being arrested and spend the night in jail or at least a couple of hours until things cool down a little. I do not think putting abused victims in jail is right but if we did pass laws that made protecting abuse and abusers illegal in our State, perhaps the abused could be hospitalized and at least kept long enough to try to work with the mental damage that is often done to the entire family by an abuser. I can already see the problems that could come out of that as well, and that is why abuse is such a difficult problem to work with and to solve.

Like everything else that is preventive, we simply need to learn and educate ourselves while we are dating and making lifetime choices for a mate. If he or she strikes or hits us or throws things at us, while dating, he or she will become much worse after marriage. Dating is the time that we are on the best of behavior and any names being thrown at us while dating will go from being cute to vindictive after marriage. Anger that is not part of the grieving process very rarely subsides without being able to release it. Healthy people will talk to someone or get professional help in order to either let go or to work more effectively around it. Others hide it behind alcohol and drugs. If we are doing both with the abusers while dating then we need to understand the hell we will put our children through if we marry them and continue the same recreational behavior.

All parents need to know and understand just how important an education beyond highschool is to all of our children. Both boys and girls. Too many times the number one reason that our children do stay in an abusive situation is because of the fear that they could not financially support their children alone,as well as, they can by staying in the abusive situation. Education does not only give them the out to do that but it also establishes the confidence in our children that often leads to their knowing they deserve better and to get out before any more damage is done to their children or our grandchildren. None of the expensive birthday parties or clothes that we are currently buying them will lead to the success of their lives as an education will. Even though abuse does also exist in the educated, it is considerably less, and nothing empowers our children like an education does.

Whatever lays ahead for abuse I feel it needs to be dealt with,as it lies at the root cause of what Americans should be most ashamed of, as well as, is twin to crime, in America today. To just wash our hands and give up or worse yet to blame the victims and do nothing, when we are so much better as a Nation than that,shows poorly against us all.At the same time I applaud all of you who have dedicated their years and time working towards finding solutions only to find out that the root problem towards solutions does lie in the victims themselves, who have been so deeply brainwashed in fear or have learned to adapt to it,to the point they do refuse help offered to them,too many times.Somewhere there is a bridge that will join the gap that does lead to successful treatment and my faith is in the fact that we will find it. Thanks to all of you who are looking.

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Will We Ever Stop Abusers?

Until we can make women and men understand and realize that the only way we can stop abuse is for adult people, who are being abused, to empower themselves,abuse will always remain.Unless we accept the reality of it happening in one out of every three homes on every block in every town,city or village, and being protected by our Christian-Judeo Society with the power of the right-wing, Tea Party and special interest groups in their corner, abuse will remain the corner-stone of crime in America.

If you have been reading my posts then you understand that I write about taking responsibility for ourselves and teaching our children to do the same. We women cannot get stronger as long as we all hold the hand of the women who are being abused, since in doing so we continue weakening them as well as ourselves. Instead we need to point out to women who will and do protect abuse and abusers what their responsibilities are and help to empower them against such treatment. Sitting in judgment of them or pointing fingers and finding blame, is no better than offering sympathy and doing nothing.

If they do get the courage to leave then we need to be certain that they are kept safe by making laws that will keep them safe as well as providing the necessary support systems that they will need. We have already made good gains in those areas and now we must convince them through our Churches that love does not hurt. Divorce is acceptable when the protection of our families are at stake. As long as abused and neglected children are growing up to become criminals and being put to death, then we need to empower ourselves into knowing and understanding that we cannot be treated like second class citizens or worse, unless we allow ourselves to be treated that way.

We know that anger-management classes that are court ordered for abusive people,whether men or women fail. We know the laws are set up to let men off sometimes in a matter of months when they kill their children and wives and are found guilty of manslaughter. Women will serve much longer if not the full 20 years, when they kill the abusers. We know that rapist and pedophiles are never cured.

We know that men have been viewed for centuries as being weak if they cannot control their women.We offer very little in the form of help or understanding for men who are victims of abuse.A real man settles his differences with fist in many parts of our Society.

We know 9 million Morman people believe women cannot go to Heaven unless a man takes them there. We know the many other millions into the billions of women have been brain washed into believing it is their duty to serve their man and make them happy regardless of how they are being treated in return. They do tell the men they must respect their women,wink wink.

Is there any wonder that bullies start out on the playgrounds of school and grow up to bully all their lives? We as a Society are clearly condoning if not promoting the superiority of men in a Christian-Judeo environment. When we add ignorance to power we get abuse.

Unless we women empower ourselves to realize that the only way our children will be safe is for women to be safe, then abuse will never stop.As long as we concern ourselves about abortion then we will never concern ourselves about the real problem and that is our own safety and empowerment.

We know that in families where men and sons are being waited on that the sons will grow up and expect it of their wives. We also know that young girls are growing up being taught that the only future they do have is to serve her man and make babies that they cannot afford to educate if they were not already being taught that education is the damnation of all mankind,anyway.

We know there is more abuse in these families than there is in families that teach equality. We know that Church goers are being taught that people who teach equality in a marriage and home are no good liberals spreading lies in order to defeat religion,such as myself. We know that if men hit they do not stop hitting.The few that do leave women living in fear with the words and anger that continues. We know their sons will grow up and do the same. We also know when mothers abuse their daughters grow up to abuse as well. Both men and women are abused.

We know that when men and women are abused so are the children abused. We know far more women are abused by the cowards who are bigger and stronger than they are and the only defense a woman has against the men is a weapon, unless they are granted all of our Blessings and Dispensations to leave the marriage without making them feel guilt. We know the scars left on children watching mom being beaten or killed will travel hurt and harm through at least three, if not more, of the generations of that family.

We know that if we believe that incest is in low numbers and we keep the real numbers protected, then people will be less concern about young women who are abused and less understanding of the need for abortion. We know if we can keep women’s’ emotions upset over abortion then we can get them to vote for the right-wing and tea party candidates who want to change the Constitution to deny equal rights.

We know that poverty and prostitution is the number one cause of abortion and yet there is a movement under way, that does not seem to concern the religious community, to legalize prostitution. The fact that it has served the pleasure of the superior male species only and has not been considered adultery in past history and existed since the days of the bible makes it acceptable,sadly. Even when it is the number one cause of death in young women either through, disease,murder or addiction.

I have only scratched the surface of why abuse happens and if not smiled on, certainly we are and have been blinding ourselves to the truth of it since the beginning of time. The only way we can stop it is by women taking responsibility for their own poor behavior because men never will give up the place of superiority over women unless we women make it clear that we and our children will no longer tolerate being treated that way. We begin today by educating ourselves.

If he is abusive he is abusive. It is not our fault that he is an inhumane jerk but it is our fault if we put up with it. If we date jerks we will marry jerks. If we marry jerks our children will pay the biggest price of all for the poor choices we make. If we sleep with everyone we meet then we will definitely fall for one of them and it only takes one to destroy the rest of our life along with our children. Divorce does cause pain to our children but it causes less pain than watching their mothers being beaten or cleaning up their blood.

Just as we women and the majority of good descent men, who come from functional homes, want to see our children happy our children want to see their moms and dads happy and the only way we can accomplish that is in equality of the genders. Women need to take the choices they make much more serious than what a man looks like and how he dresses and men need to do the same. Character can be disguised for a while but it can’t be hidden forever and for the sakes of ourselves as well as our children we need to make it our top priority.

No self-respecting human being will want to take control over another adult human being who is family, much less call the mother of their children a whore, bitch,slut and worse.Unless we are a policeman, a member of the Court system, or a jailer we guide and offer help to people, we do not control them. We need to take ownership of our own responsibility and teach our children the same by practicing and teaching equal respect for all the God-given abilities that both genders are given. We begin today.

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We Know When We Know

Too many of us fail to follow our own instincts when we know that something is not quite right or when something will work. If we would train ourselves, to trust our instincts, we would sometimes do better in life.

Our own instincts go into high alert when danger is near by. In many ways we are not that far removed from the wild, as animals are. Just as their ears perk and they stomp, when danger is near by, we also sense that same foreboding. Our hearts will race a little and we need to train our attention towards our surroundings and to go on high alert as well. We need to learn to trust and rely on our own instincts more than we do. Too many of us just dismiss them and go along willingly. It is often times a sense of fatalism on our parts that takes over and does make us give in. Many of us mistake the warning or alerts for,”I knew this was going to happen” and instead succumb to them.Other times we think I must just be dreaming or imagining things.

If it is not typical behavior for us to imagine things or to hear things then we need to trust those instincts, more clearly. We cannot live our lives on our instincts alone, although some do. We do need to mix in a little common sense. For instance if we live in the plains and have a fear of heights we do need to either determine if we are going to test our limits by getting over the fear or if we are just going to accept that our fear of heights is real and stay away from cliffs and mountain tops.

If everything makes us afraid then we do need professional help to sort out when our instincts are real or if we are suffering from Anxiety, an Obsessive compulsive disorder or Post traumatic Stress or some other affliction, and get the help we need, so that we can learn to trust our instincts better as well as enjoy life more. I stress if fear or anxiety, is not common behavior for us, then we need to trust our instincts for what they are telling us.

I have always imagined that if I faced a dangerous situation, I would just freeze up, and go along but with age comes more understanding of who we are and a little more sense of our own reactions to life,sometimes. Carrying a cane gives me a new sense of hope as to having a weapon. I now think I would be “hell on wheels” and pity the poor sucker that would try to take me and my cane on. I came to that conclusion when a mother and daughter were having a “knock down drag out fight.” and I came between them, only to find out later the mother always carries a knife. I am pleased to say that they were so shocked that a stranger would care, that they no longer hit each other, according to rumor. When I finished talking to them, they were apologizing and telling each other they were sorry.

We could prevent some of the muggings or rapes if we would learn to trust our instincts and how we react to stress. For those who have not heard yet:Never get in a car or vehicle and leave the area because our chances are much better of getting help if we remain in the area that we are in, as versus, being taken out to an isolated area where no one will hear our screams for help. A scream or a proper placed kick or resisting many times will scare off the attacker.However many are successful because they do use the element of surprise so we do need to check our backs as well.

When our instincts are on high alert we need to turn around and look behind us, as well as, look to both sides. If we run into a store or business when we feel this alert, or in the open where other people are, we may feel like we would embarrass ourselves but it is always better to do that than it is to not trust our own instincts.

Think of an excuse that you will use if you have to make a quick dodge into a business or store. We were feeling a little faint and could we sit for a moment, many times will do the trick.Other times people are coming and going to the point we may not even be noticed as being out-of-place. If we are in a neighborhood then turn and go up to an apartment building as if we live there and sometimes they will drive on by, if they have been stalking us for a while. Do not forget to pull out the phone and act like you are placing a call. Sometimes cell phones can make us less alert so make certain you are tuned in as you walk.Do remember though that most of the attacks will happen at night-time and make a schedule of taking a different route or going with a friend and do not walk if you can take transportation instead.

If I could take a quote from Dr. Phil,”The best judge of future behavior is past behavior.” If when we are dating someone we find something is not working or we are not communicating on the same level then we need to question ourselves. If we are ever abused by either name calling or they are expressing a great deal of anger by hitting windows or dashes or even ourselves,or throwing objects at us while breaking everything in the place, or they manipulate us by crying to get what they want from us when we know there simply is not money to buy it, then please know marriage will only make it worse. When two people learn to live together and share the same check book as well as the same hours and bed we take on stress in a relationship, through marriage, we do not relieve it. When we add children to it then it doubles.

If our instincts are telling us that this person is not just right somehow, then trust ourselves or trust that we are not right for them. It is easy to think that others are disturbed when in truth we ourselves are not always operating with,” a light on in the antic.”, ourself. Anytime anyone is using anger and aggression to control us or others over their common sense or judgment to show and give us respect, then the problem is us.When we give over control of our own life, instead of taking control of our life, we fail not only ourselves,but everyone else who cares about us.

Run, don’t walk away from this type of relationship. If our friends are telling us what we obviously refuse to see,we have a duty to ourselves, to trust them as well as our own instincts that are warning us, if we are trying to deny what our conscience already knows is the truth. If, on the other hand, our friends and family can not see what we know to be true and are telling us that it is just jitters or we are nuts because he/she are a nice person and come from a good family, and we know differently, then we need to listen to only ourself.

Just as instincts can warn us against danger our instincts can tell us when we are on the right path when solving a mystery,protecting our own safety, making a decision,or even investing in something we feel strongly will work. Many times the most successful amongst us are those who do rely on and do trust their instincts. What our instincts are telling us will not hold up in a Court of law,it does not offer proof to others, sometimes too often people will use it to speculate about others, but it like our conscience seldom fails us morally. So the next time our instincts tell us that the decision we are making is a right one or alarms are going off, remember,”Sometimes we just know what we know,” and learn to trust it. We can only empower ourselves by taking control of our own life. No one else can do it for us nor can we contol their lives, and expect positive results.

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New Beginnings

The challenge of starting over in life that many of us will be asked to do is always a little bit frightening until we do become settled. Many times it is not just our re-adjustment but that of our children as well. If we bring with our new start, “the same old garbage,” of the past then we can not just plan on it, but we can count on it, that we will be repeating the same mistakes that we made in the past.

If it is a new job and we were laid off in the past because the employees had no protection against layoffs then we will find ourselves in the same position again when the next downturn in the economy hits, if we can climb out of the current one. By eliminating the Unions as is happening, thanks to the efforts of the right-wing and the Tea Party candidates, we can be certain that the future of the employee will remain out of the hands of ourselves. Before the Unions there was no middle class. Just the poor and the wealthy and if they have their way, we will return to that.

Statistically, it is always the educated who have more input into what their next terms of employment will look like. Any education we can gain while unemployed always works in our own favor. If we are already educated then we must accept that the only thing available to any of us is going to sometimes mean a drastic cut in pay but the fact that we are educated gives us a better chance of beginning over than those who lack an education. People who apply themselves once they do get a job are often recognized for working below their potential and will rise accordingly in the Company. No good managerial staff will keep an over qualified person in the position when they can be better utilized else where in the Company.

Other times many of us have our own definition of what we feel we would be a success at and never had the courage or the time to try. Small business loans are clearing up a little since you last tried to appeal for one in some areas, so try again. If we do nothing to change our own circumstances then we can count on it, that nothing will happen. Sometimes new beginnings begin again in an entirely new location or region. We are as limited as our own imagination.

If the new beginning consists of relationships and we fail to look at our own mistakes or errors made, then we simply continue looking for the same kind of person who failed us previously and keep setting ourselves up to being mistreated again. On the other hand if we are the aggressor,adulterer, or just plain lazy then we need serious psychological help as to why it is that we keep defeating our own self in relationships.

The likelihood that we can change or we find change behind a glass of wine or a bottle of beer in a night club,bar or lounge is next to nil. Eyes do not meet across a table with a blaring band in the background and we behold the person that we have been waiting our whole life for. That happens in the mind of a romance novelist on a cloudy day somewhere in Manhattan or the burbs or in an isolated cabin in the woods.

When new beginnings are about new relationships or the fulfillment of a life long dream we need to depend on reality in a way that we have never done so in the past. The problem with on-line dating is anyone can agree with what we are saying and too many times we are trapped into the moment of,”Oh wow! We have so much in common. They like the same things that I like and so on and so forth. It might help if before you told them every thing about yourself that you ask them first who they admire and why,what they believe in and why, and if they depend on themselves or someone else first and any of the other character based questions, so that they do not have an opportunity to parrot your own beliefs or Character.

Meeting people in Church activities does not guarantee us that we are going to find someone who is as dedicated to their religion and the Church as we are as the word has been out for a while now that it is a good place to meet new men or new chicks. Even if the commitment is there too many fail to understand that being a Christian does not guarantee morality. Some times people who do attend are trying to clear a conscience that clearly needs to be cleared and are doing it without success.

We need to trust our own instincts and have a clear understanding of what makes us tick and what our own standards are. If people would get counseling before they dated instead of when they are ready to get a divorce they would be so much wiser. Too many times people will tell themselves that their standards are just too high and end up with real jerks time and time again. There are those who claim a nice guy just is not exciting enough without realizing that many times relationships like wine take time to age. It is when we give the nice guys a chance to develop that we do find the person we have been looking for all our life. We cannot fix anyone other than ourselves. We can only improve on what is already there.

Too many times men look for the most shallow of reasonings for their future mates. They like the personality of the woman who will speak out and stand up for herself, until they marry them and find out sometimes they are also a selfish bitch who is taking him for a ride or who has no wish to ever uphold her end of the bargain, but foolishly they lost touch of their male logic and allowed themselves to be rushed into a marriage. Other times they are looking for a woman who wears a size 3 and is a virgin and has no interests at shopping at the mall, and do not see the humor in that, that the rest of us see. Other times they do want the woman on their arm to be arm candy and look good and do not have a clue just how much that is going to cost them.

Other times and ladies beware, he is looking for an income large enough to support his dream of being a rock star. That interprets into this man is never going to support you. Other times men are looking for a woman he can control and then will complain that they cannot even communicate on any level beyond what her sisters and mother are doing.

When it comes to people, and we want them to care about us, we have to accept if they are obsessing over their own looks they are rarely going to put us second much less first. I do understand we all want people who wear deodorant and is pleasing to our sensibilities but the places most people are looking for them is not the most realistic places to meet, all the times. I do not suggest that we quit looking in those places so much as I do that we beware of what strikes are against us when we do meet there. Common sense should tell all of us if we meet in a location where it is easy for another person to know and parrot our own feelings,religious beliefs, or we are uninhibited due to that last drink, then we need to be that more alert of who we are meeting,before we invite them into our own space.

Sometimes starting over has nothing to do with replacing or meeting new relationships but we feel that we are losing control over our own ability to discipline,maintain, or become all we want to be, and like a ship “we feel a little lost at sea.” We have become Mrs. So and So or the Mom of So and So and we realize that we have or are close to losing our own identity. We need to discover, through a new beginning many times, when it was that we felt we did not matter as much as the rest of the family.

Other times we wake and discover that the life we dreamt about all our lives is not nearly as fulfilling as we thought it would be. We all do well to understand that many times the problem is not with or in the people that we are living with but instead something that we missed out on in ourselves. We can leave and destroy all that is and was sacred to us but ultimately we solve nothing because the problem is in ourselves. We need to get the help to find out what makes us tick.

Just praying does not always bring us answers, although I am a big supporter of prayer, sometimes we need to find that person who does work with us on a professional level and helps us understand ourselves better. Well intentioned friends are always going to give us a way out and too many times that is what we are looking for. A professional will not let us excuse ourselves. If we are fortunate to have a friend who will not let us b.s. ourselves and short of funds then sometimes that will work as well. Men and women alike, often feel that they are doing nothing they ever wanted to do or are locked in a place that they can’t get out and will turn to alcohol and or other women and men because their wives or husbands do not understand them.

Do our family the favor of getting help before we do something so stupid or rash, since way too many men and women do find when we do get help we already had everything we wanted but were too foolish or stupid to know it. Many times we let our own pride or insecurities lead to hearing things that were not said and having hurt feelings as well as all the other issues that go along with living with the same person for so long, really get misconstrued. Do not spend the rest of our lives grieving the loss that we create during a moment of temporary emotions gone astray. Many times our family are more than willing to help out and offer us the breaks we need or listen to us but it is we ,ourselves, who are shutting them out. More times than not, we do find that we had all the support we ever needed but refused to see it. New beginnings are about getting rid of yesterday’s garbage and finding we are not all that bad of a person to spend time with nor are those we did our best to try to drive away.

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When All Trust Is Gone

After spending a great deal of time on describing what guilt does towards destroying relationships,it would be remiss of me to say that too often it holds poor relationships together,as well. Those relationships can consist of couples, friends,family,groups,organizations or political party.

When my husband and I married, I told him that if he ever hit me or had an affair that our marriage would be over. What I really meant, but was not aware of it,since I can forgive almost anything, was if I ever reached the point that I could never trust him again, the relationship would be over.

Many times couples will say, “they no longer love each other,” and use that as the grounds of their divorce. I argue that if once we truly love each other we cannot simply quit loving each other. Instead I reason that most couples or one of them in the marriage, have hurt or betrayed each or the other to the point there is no trust left in the relationship. This is true when long-term friendships end, as well as, when family members leave and never return. Without trust we lose the entire foundation that holds up any relationship.

Love and respect go hand in hand with trust. Why else would we promise to dedicate ourselves for life, to a common cause, and forsake all others if we did not have a great deal of trust in each other and our ability to maintain as well as keep the oath of marriage?

Some people can reach the conclusion that a person or group is untrustworthy after the first time they betray them, and walk away in peace. If you can, more power to you. I can also do that until I am dealing with one of the most important people in my life. I think that is true with most of us. Many times we just keep taking on the poor behavior until we do realize we have spent way too many years hurt by the same person.I make a great deal of allowance for people who would lie to me when they are family, before I draw that conclusion. Too many of us will think that they will start treating us nicer the more we try to do for them. Even when I knew two family members thought they were playing me for a fool with their conspiracy to get out of me, all they could,and they thought I didn’t know a thing, I gave them years of knowing they believed they were out smarting me, until I reached the point, “that the straw broke the camel’s back.”

There are people who can’t fathom that people are willing to do nice things for others without being paid for it or having strings attached. When we do, “random acts of kindness.” those same people come up with words like “big Turkey’,”loser”,”Sucker”,”"Wimp”, and you name it. It is sad that we have such little respect for people who are simply kinder than ourselves. I have often thought the resentment for them makes others who always have a price for everything, simply feel uncomfortable about themselves. The sad thing, is when people do behave in this way, those who receive the kindness many times then do feel as though they are entitled to the same behavior again and again. There are also those who treat family like they are the bank and as long as they are willing to pay them back(sometimes no matter how long it takes) they are entitled to borrow any amount at any time.

As is common with all abusers my antagonists enjoyed their own deceitfulness for almost 40 years (I exclude the other years of my life before they formed their collusion)about how they went behind my back and outsmarted me, before I decided that enough was enough. I need to make certain before I do make that final and last decision that I will never contribute another dime,lend another hand, show up to visit and be insulted one more time, or write another word or letter or make another phone call again, before I can comfortably leave a relationship where I still love the people involved.

Walking away from those who have formed a tight co-dependency or any organization that we have been passionate about for years, is not an easy decision to make but when every ounce of hope or trust is used up, it is time to move on and never look back.

Not all people seek peace of mind and joy but when it became necessary for me to do so in order to look into those trusting eyes of my sweet trusting grandchildren who tell me,”I love and need you Grandma” How could I possibly explain to those sweet boys that Grandma allowed two people to think they were playing me for a fool, while I kept giving of my time,money and love, for so many years, and not feel shame? I knew my efforts to accept, the abusers’ hurt needed to leave in order for my health to give me all the time the Dear Lord would grant me with the grandsons along with my other loved ones,whom I truly admire and respect. Once I made the decision I could almost hear the Angels sing:)

Most people do not get in a lifetime, the number of truly terrific people who I have been fortunate enough to have in my life. I’m sure that played a role in being as tolerate, as I was, with the one-sided relationship,as well. I have always believed, “To those who are given much, much is expected.”

I never spent much time in thinking living with chronic pain due to spinal stenosis on both sides of my spine,before I reached 30 was a hardship. I also did not waste time making decisions based on childhood abuse as a reason to walk away. When the verbal abuse began again in my adult years I did take breaks from it by walking away but never quit loving my mother nor being concern about her. Life has always had too much interests, to me, to let much of anything or anyone get me down for too long.

I got set up even on my wedding day by the twosome and then there was the time I walked into the hospital room in California to be told I was the biggest loser of all only to have it repeated a number of times over the years, later, a trip to Kansas City where I was deliberately shunned by the two of them, pretenses and lies surrounding Mom’s moving in making demands followed by abusive behavior encouraged by my sister, and being excluded from the family reunions that I organized for my brother and again when my daughter got married, and the list continues from there only getting longer the longer I stayed and put up with it. Still I stayed and contributed but the knowledge that I need to give back to those who do love and appreciate me, for being me, and do not have ulterior motives as to how to best use me, has made my decision an easy one, at long last.

I do not write this to encourage or discourage anyone else from knowing when and if the time is ever right to leave a relationship of any kind much less one that you feel is void of hope, but instead to put it out there and let you understand why a person can know and find joy on a daily basis, by making some of the toughest decisions that they will ever have to make. Being honest with ourselves and finding and evaluating our own mistakes are always a more difficult endeavor than doing it in others. I know and understand that for those who have never had to deal with abuse, it does sound ridiculous, to think walking away from it would ever be difficult. That is the point of my writing this entire group on guilt and taking responsibility. I want you to know if nobody else understands you, I do.

43 years after marrying my husband I realize that if he had hit me or had an affair I probably could have forgiven him, but I still would not have stayed, even though when I was young I never dreamt I would ever let anyone ever abuse me again,much less the same person who did when I was a child without letting her know exactly how badly she hurt me.

That would come approximately 30 years later and accelerate their vindictiveness. Since it was so out of character for me and I had a lot of ground to cover, I have no doubt that she must have felt a small amount of the pain I felt all those years. I did not expect acknowledgement of my hurt as no abusers ever will acknowledge they did anything wrong. It is the peace of mind I received in being able to finally face the truth that had went unspoken and denied for years, that matters most to me.

I made some of the family members irate when I did it,but I spoked for them as much as I did for myself. We were all meant to keep what we all had spoken about behind her back, for years,secret, as near as I can tell. In dysfunctional homes,it is rare if ever, that truth or mistakes are confronted or spoken about. It is always better to avoid “the elephant in the room” than it is to acknowledge its presence.

It took maturity on my part and knowing life is seldom as it seems until we live it, before I knew it was the total depletion of trust that would have destroyed our marriage vows. Since that is what it took to end my relationship with my mother, no doubt it would have with my husband as well. I am very fortunate that I got the good guy that I did choose and never had to be tested that way but some things we know in our hearts.

I’m a slow learner folks,when it comes to matters of the heart, but I do encourage all of you to make certain you know yourself well enough to know what it is that will allow you to walk away from or recognize when a hurtful relationship leaves no room for hope, and still feel joy on a daily basis, before you make that decision. Too often we are the losers when we make decisions based on hurt feelings or rash judgements.

No one certainly needs to put in 40 years as I did but I do not regret turning the other cheek either as it did convince me “That, that does not kill us, makes us stronger.” I do regret though that it did take my teen-age daughters to tell me,”Mom if you don’t stop her from mistreating you, we will lose all respect for you.” I would like to think had I had been wiser, I would have stopped it before the verbal abuse started up again. Other times I think sometimes it takes knowing 100% before we find the peace that comes along with giving our best. I take full responsibility at the same time that it was wrong-wrong-wrong for me to let it go on for that long and never would I repeat that mistake again, for the sake of those who truly do love me. Sadly abuse is always a contradiction and for that reason none of us should ever judge the confusion of the victims. All abusers are convincing manipulators and con artists.

I will jump a moment to political party as versus personal problems, since a great deal of todays upset also center around politics. I’m a much faster learner when I see what the right-wing conservatives and the Tea Party are doing towards drying up the United States Treasury in the interests of Wall Street and the Oil Companies. I know leaving party affiliation is as difficult to some as leaving our own family is. There is no possible reason, in my view, that anyone could trust any of them in the Republican Party, nor any of the right-wing who number a few in the Democratic Party. They simply are missing any foundation of trust that would allow equality for all or the middle class to exist in Democracy or to grow and I urge all to think before we vote. We must vote wisely and informed, for the sake of our Children and Grandchildren, “who love and need us.”

We all have our own response zone as to when to stay and when to leave. Those of you who think I was a fool for staying as long as I did, have every right to think as you do. I can promise you that some of my greatest supporters would agree with you:) Guilt held me and an inability to forgive myself because of my belief in the Commandments kept me going back for more.I finally realized the best way to “Honor” their last round of rejection was to honor and love her in silence, as two of my other siblings do. My soul needed to heal from the insanity of it all. I will always be grateful for the effort I made but even more grateful for the new-found freedom that I own.

I hope I covered the entire subject of guilt,responsibility and forgiving ourselves well enough over the last few weeks so it can help you if you are at a cross-road of indecision regardless who the person may be who you are struggling with or what group that relationship might be with.Denial of the stress it creates not only strips all of us of the joy we are entitled to but also can lead to an early grave. Good luck!
(even I am a bit over whelmed by the cliché’s in this post but they are often quoted for a reason:)

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Bitterness vs. Congenial

Have you noticed,as I have, that those who are bitter tend to blame as those who are congenial tend to reason? I have a great deal of admiration for those who are betrayed and “dumped on” and are able to find their own blame in the relationship. This is common in first divorces where the couple were more mature when they did marry, according to my experiences, and other times, when a couple married young and have spent years growing up together. I see divorces that often end in compassion for each other when couples are realistic enough to accept their own blame and able to reason the “why” of its failure.

The hard divorce to ever get a handle on are those who profess to be in love, yet two weeks later, they are straying and justifying their leaving by blaming the same person they just said two weeks before, was perfect for them. The lack of character in these people usually becomes quite obvious, fairly quickly, when we realize that there has never been any depth to what they do believe in or stand for. This is the person who agrees with us instead of taking a stand of their own or showing any backbone for what they do believe in. There are very immature people who will see themselves as God’s gift to women in many cases or many times women who find out that an old boyfriend is now available.

So why is it, those who have been married 5 or 6 times seem to be more bitter than those who are trusting? I can’t personally think that after that many divorces any of us are going to be credible in playing a victims role in our marriage. Isn’t there a pretty good clue there, somewhere, that commitment to this person is going to be a real bitch? At the very least why do they keep choosing losers?

I can’t imagine putting one person, I profess to love, through the heartache of divorce much less 5 or 6, and calling myself humane or compassionate. On the other hand, if we are the one being left behind each time, shouldn’t we wise up and question our own choices without being bitter because yet another finds us difficult to live with?

When shit happens, which it always does, we have two choices: either learn from it in an effort not to repeat it or grow bitter and hate everyone else for it. I don’t know many people, unless they are strung out on drugs or alcohol, who do find bitter an attractive trait. It is true that while we grieve loss we will all have days of bitterness or anger until we are healed but it should not become a lifetime personality disorder. It is when children grow up never knowing a day that their parent was not bitter, that we have to recognize, the real tragedy of bitterness.

We all know people, who regardless of how hard we try to please them, they are never going to be pleased. These types of marriages, when people remain married, often times, do lead their mate to an early grave. The biggest mistake, I think, that we all make before we so naively go into marriage or a committed relationship, is to think that all people can be pleased if we truly work at it, or we can make a bitter person, happy.

Somewhere, someone lied to all of us in that assumption. The truth is there are selfish mean-spirited people who will never be pleased nor will they work towards pleasing others, no matter how hard we try. Sadly, they never show us that side of themselves before we say “I Do” in many cases. Because dating, itself, can be such a phony experience for most of us, we can never think that our marriages will not fail or are fail-proof while others will have marriages fail or that ours will never work while others make theirs’ work. More times than not, it is based on the choice of character in the person who we choose or our own lack of maturity, and how well they or we can disguise their or our real or lack of character. Other times people are not always ready to marry or they mistake lust for love and commitment.

Marriages that succeed, are not always based on the effort that we put into them. People are people and sometimes people just like marriages fail. Only the brainwashed, those who wear rose-colored glasses and live in denial, or those who choose a badge of honor, for lack of effort extended, will insist on staying and making their mates, as well as their children,as miserable as they themselves are, often in the name of God. Sadly, God, would prefer we would all show some congeniality and work towards a family who had a chance towards happiness instead of staying in a miserable dysfunctional home, in my own personal book.

It does pay to at least look for character first and foremost in the person who we do marry, but so many con people are out to please until after they marry, so like life in general, none of us ever come with a guarantee. Since people are getting acquainted on-line, be certain you ask them what is important to them first as there are too many who do not have a clue as to what is important to them and many times will only parrot us, in an effort to please.

Too many can and do show just how empty the real truth of their character is, and prove it, only after we marry them. Like everything else in life though, marriage, also has the possibility of being the greatest thing in life that we can ever do. No one should cheat themselves out of that experience, at least once, because of fear of failure. When two people click for a lifetime there will never be a greater experience in our lives, than a happy marriage. Whatever happens, the best friends any of us have a potential of ever meeting, is the person we marry and the one that looks back at us, from a mirror. Good Luck and make it a fun experience!

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