Respecting Our Differences

How many times do we hear parents say,”They may look-alike but none of them act the same,”in families, and yet we try to force identical behavior on all of the children. I understand the necessity to set rules and boundaries in our homes,in order to maintain equality for all the members of the family. I do not dispute the need to do so.

What I am talking about is how too many times we try to pin point each child into following the example of the child, that parents often pick,out of the family. More times than not it will be the oldest son or daughter of the home. There is even the philosophy or belief that exist, “raise the first child right and all the rest will follow.” Other times if parents find the oldest un-cooperative then they will pick the most submissive and hold her or him up as their favorite child or the example of the family, that the rest of the children need to follow.

We always do better as parents if we set the example that the children are to follow, instead of putting perfection on another child in the household. Too often the behavior of the child, is anything but perfection, but in a parents’ need to think they are raising the perfect child, they often blame that child more harshly, when they do prove that they are just a normal child and do and will make mistakes like all the rest of the children.

Other times parents are so intent in believing that this child is perfect that they will never make them take responsibility for their own mistakes or failures. In short parents will go into denial and refuse to believe anyone, who does not agree with their own estimation of their child. This will sometimes even include law enforcement, when they show up, and still these parents will deny this child made a mistake. It will always be the fault of another instead.

I think most people do understand the damage that parents do when they set their children against each other to compete for their approval or love, but sadly, it still does not stop that form of parenting ,in some cases. To call ourselves good parents when we will not tolerate anything beyond what we establish as “black and white”, reality, is an exaggeration of the word, “good.”

Just as we parents acknowledge, our children are all different, they will also excel in different areas of their life. The differences in maturity also tell us the need to raise our children as the individual they are. To simply pick out a child and expect the rest to follow the same behavior will only backfire and disappoint both them as well as ourselves. It is when we try to force a child into an image, we conceive, that we will have children who will rebel and often become the so-called,”losers”, that the parents have labeled them to be.

It can become very destructive to the families’ unity, when the child who disagrees with the parents has higher standards and becomes the real success of the family, instead, and they were not the “chosen one.”Sadly, there will always be families who would rather be right than to have a child of theirs’ prove their own judgment to be wrong, regardless how successful of a person, that child becomes. In cases where the entire family follows the lead of the parent, the child who feels differently in their belief system from the rest, will many times be branded by the siblings, especially when jealousy plays a role, no differently from the way the parents will brand the child,as well.

Just as adults have different ideas and opinions as well as different taste and some mature while others never do, the same is true of our children. If one of our children excels at sports and the other as a painter or writer, too many times fathers especially, will treat the son who enjoys something different from he did, as a child in the home who he simply shares the home with. Other times men will argue “they are girls. What do I know about shopping or volley ball?”

Mothers on the other hand, sometimes, will claim that they are just too nervous to watch sports while indulging the son or daughter who will go shopping with her. Other times it is the mothers who would not miss one of their child’s sports activities but will fail to show up at another child’s piano recital or the reverse. Children need equal time and attention from their parents and we cannot simply substitute our time by replacing it with an older sibling. If they fail to become a “mini Me” and instead find interests of their own, we need to keep our own disappointment out of it, and instead support them.

When we become lost in our own lives,children will misbehave, if they find that is the only way they can get our attention. Fathers cannot continuously expect mothers to cover for them in their child’s activities or the reverse, and not expect that at some point their child or children will act out their disappointment, as well.

To be good parents we all need to understand that our children will choose what interests them and when they do, our role is to support each child with the same amount of concern and interests that we show those who share our interests. If we cannot be enthusiastic just for the sake of it being our child, who is performing, then we need to make an attitude adjustment of our own. We need to make an effort to understand better why this holds an interest to our child. If we need to learn the game, then take time to learn it.

When we allow our own fears to enter into the lives of our children, too many times, we can let those fears stagnate the life that our child has a right to discover. Too often parents will believe that their “black and white” way of doing things is all that matters, and as long as a child steps up to that criteria, then we have been good parents. We can also apply this same theory to the kind of person we have become when it comes to accepting the differences in all of the human race.

Good parents are in truth, those parents who accept our children’s differences from ourselves as readily as we do their shared interests with us. Anyone can enjoy what we find enjoyable but it takes a good parent to acknowledge enjoyment and respect for our children’s differences, from our own.

It is always easy to raise a child who agrees with us, but the true test of our own ability, is raising the child who has a different opinion from our own, on almost everything, with the exception of morality. When we raise our children through love and support while teaching them the boundaries of respect, in return, we teach them the significance of unconditional love. They will then in return teach their children who will teach their children etc., and both the family as well as Society, will know the rewards.

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Learning From Our Teenagers

If we have made responsibility the central theme in our homes, long before the adolescent years, then we can often times see what we have taught our children, come back at us during the teenage years. Responsibility does not just mean making their school work their number one pursuit nor does it mean cleaning their rooms and looking after their own personal hygiene the only thing that matters. A great part of responsiblity also entails teaching them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and the words that come out of their own mouths.

They or we do not get to get off on being rude to us or others, because we have failed to teach them respect. They or we do not get to get off on lying or cheating on their homework, because we have made study time consistent in our homes and made it the top priority over anything else,first. Home work needs to be done where we can both watch them and help them when they need help.

If they are not asking us for help then that is a good clue they are not doing their homework. Sending them to their room so they can grab a book and pretend or switch to a web site every time they hear us in the hallway or knock on the door is not supervising homework. They or we do not go free from understanding that when we deal out discipline or punishment they will need to follow it through until they finish it because we have been consistent with our punishment.

In short then, just as all the lessons of life need to be taught to our children because we have done our job they need to take responsibility for their actions by doing their job. Do not use,”I trust my child or children” as a cop-out to get out of taking your own responsibility towards being there both as their supervisor and their guide.

The earlier children understand right from wrong and their responsibility in it, the sooner it becomes habit in their lives. Children who are not confused with morality,since they have learned to live the value of right over wrong until it has become a habit, many times, are more tuned in to the choices available to them. It takes so much more energy to lie and cheat because we are always called on to remember what it was we said in order to keep from exposing ourselves as a liar. Not to mention the guilt that often follows that all liars need to justify in order to live with the lie. Mankind was never made to lie. At the opposite end of that statement, since it is not accurate to generalize about anyone,many times, it is the parents who make the rules too strict,who have the children who behave the worse,once they find their freedom or rebel.

The chances are always better with honest children who are allowed to express themselves,because many times they are not conflicted by peer pressure or not understanding their own minds or direction. Since teenagers are no different from the rest of the population and anything is possible we need to keep in mind that they still need our direction during moments of doubt or confusion that will sometimes happen. Other times to be able to say,”My parents would kill me if I do”,offers a nice excuse for them to get out of doing what they know is wrong. No one can ever say,”My child never would.” and say it with certainty. Our chances are better with honest kids who do not have to lie in order to be able to spend time with their friends, though in a great deal of the cases.

Since self-expression as well as terminology and the way it gets expressed, is very much a part of each individual taste, be prepared to be humbled, if they do not always dress or appear to speak the same language as we do.Conformity will come soon enough,and it does us all well, to support their own desire to express who they are to themselves as well as their peers. Wanting to be different from everyone else is much better than wanting to be like everyone else,in an effort to be accepted or popular.Many times they will set the trend when they do decide to be different and if not they are showing more courage than most of us do, and that is a good thing.Creatitivity, often, brings along with it a life-time of success and contentment.

It is not the responsibility of the school, Church, grandparents or anyone else to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own behavior, it is our responsibility to teach them. The others will simply aid us or help us once we get them started in understanding that we are the parents and our children can both trust us to keep our word to them and they can rely on us to be there for them when they need us. They need to learn that our home is a safe place to return to at the end of the day when children have been children.

If we do not remember just how mean children can be to each other, then we need to take a refresher course by just listening to our children and offering the help where needed. If it is our own child who is mean and we are not handling it correctly because they are being mean to other children and even being bullies, then we need to get professional help,the earlier the better.

After all of that has been accomplished, we will have these wonderful people in our lives who are known as teenagers. They will bring home with them and their friends an enthusiasm and zest for life, at the point in our own lives, we feel our own enthusiasm is draining. They have a generosity of heart for all their fellow students, at a time, we have become too set in our ways or too complacent with the status quo. They will accept everyone because they have been taught to accept everyone and they will many times remind us that it was us who taught them the significance of doing so, at a time, we are becoming more cynical each day. They have a thirst for learning and getting involved with the world around them, at a time, we are not even keeping up with the magazine subscriptions on World affairs.

If we as parents remember that we need to start teaching our children no later than the age of 2 or 3 the significance of taking responsibility for their own actions as well as what is theirs and taking responsibility for it as well, then we will find that our teenagers have a great deal to teach us.

Many times, we had already taught them but until now, we were not always certain that they had heard. If our teenagers are not renewing our own youth while inspiring us to be more accepting of others, but instead are a consistent head ache, each day, then do them and you both a favor, do not stoop to their level and fight and argue with them but instead get them help that you both need. If we have done our job in early training,and we are maintaining a general acceptance of their right to express themselves, but there is no explanation for this sudden change in attitude, many times, this is the time that we will see mental illness and depression begin to play a role in the lives of our child or children.That can be true in poorly structured homes as well.Too often we over-look genetic factors that are often as a result of hereditary factors.

For the sake of all adolescence and teenagers, everywhere, parents need to know and understand that personalities do not just change from happy-go-lucky to quiet and withdrawn. As parents we need to make certain that there is not an under lying cause and we as parents need to be aware if our children have had a life changing altercation or attack on them, are not doing street drugs or drugs stolen from our own medicine cabinets, or taking alcohol from our own homes.

If they have not had the early training in childhood or have had early training we need to get out of denial, and understand both are sometimes the other side of being teenagers. Children many times will be the alcohol or drug suppliers from our own home or from their grandparents without anyone being wiser for it. It is also, quite possible, that they are suffering from depression and need medical help.

Do not think that teenagers will always share the truth with us or for that matter anyone else either. Many times they carry an irrational shame or fear that can only surface with the help of a professionally trained person or people. Do not wait until the school decides to send them to counseling as many times kids can be great deceivers and schools do not always see the child we see.

Many times poor behavior is shown to us, as parents, as a scream for help when our child needs help. Our teenagers can teach us many things and all we have to do is be tuned in or knowledgeable enough to know the symptoms that are out-of-place when they happen.

We can only know that when we do know and understand we are their parent and their friends are their friends. Too many parents make the mistake that teenagers are adults now so we just have to let them learn on their own. Make certain we are learning as well, from the teenager, so we can step in when needed. The success of their life may depend on it. Teenagers are for enjoying and if they are unhappy we will be as well. Stay alert,be wise, and be there, and it can be the best years of all of our lives. Not only will we all be rewarded as a family, but so will, all of Society feel the imprint we have made on our children’s lives.

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Accepting Me Accepting You

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

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Romanticing Childhood

My husband and I had the good fortune to be able to have our oldest Grandson stay with us for a few days, this last week, while his Dad was in Ohio on Business and his Mom was with his youngest Brother who was going through medical testing. It is my choice while he visits us, right or wrong, to spoil him rotten by letting him set his hours within reason,buying him the one thing that he wants,letting him eat what he wants, and play as much Wii as he likes. After all that is the luxury of being grandparents and he has terrific parents that understand my desire to do so. If he grows up and remembers a childhood at Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house close to idea, it will be based on reality. He is kept safe while we all stress that it is a once a year special time and not a healthy or responsible way to live,on a daily basis. He understands when he leaves here that it is reality time again.

It is not until we are able to acknowledge and accept the truth that our parents made mistakes and we forgive them for those mistakes, by facing our childhood honestly, that we ourselves will find maturity. Because we did not have the stresses and problems of the adult world in our youth those who did not come out of total terror, tend to think that our childhood was less complicated and freer than what kids have today. Every generation initially goes through the idea that we will never be able to live up to what Mom or Dad accomplished.

While we dream of those carefree summer days of playing outdoors we forget the number of young girls and boys who were indeed molested by the neighbor,uncle,camp director or grandpa because Mom and Dad wanted us out of their hair. The laws effecting us as adults today were made as a result of those,” out of sight out of mind,” days where our parents lacked the knowledge or awareness to safeguard their children against predators.

The spankings that many got, because they deserved them according to another time in thinking, were rare occasions in some houses until we remember the times when our sibling or siblings accused us and we were punished for it when we did not do it. We then begin understanding the reason we were punished, unfairly, was because there was no one listening or watching, as kids were not promoted to be able to express themselves. Many were left to figure out their own problems without guidance. Mom was having that afternoon glass, or so, of wine, dad was out working everyone at the office to only come home and take a drag on the whiskey bottle or the Bud can, or their own problems were more important than any problem we ever had. We were told to keep it quiet about Uncle so and so or the family would be mad at them.

Every generation, while we are young and under stress, have a need to somehow impress on ourselves that life was a kinder gentler time at some point than what we are dealing with today. Kids embarrassed parents in grocery stores then as well as they do today. A sane parent did not spank them then either for fear of what they might look like. They may have once they got them out to the car but as a rule kids were told before they were taken into the store what would happen if they misbehaved.Parents who followed through on punishment, promised, did not have kids acting out because they were consistent with their punishment. When kids learned their bad behavior could get them what they wanted, they would behave poorly then as well.

Not all parents did discipline and instead gave in and bought the child what they wanted and that was the purpose of the fit, in the first place. Parents often left kids locked in the car during the hot months of summer and but for the grace of God somehow we survived. We now have laws against doing that because too many kids did die trapped in their car seats. Other parents often made the trips to the store without the child as they waited until Dad got home. Men and women were not sharing the chores then like they do today.Latch key kids were more common because many did not have day care or could afford it if they did.

Not all parents cooked, but you better believe if they did, we were not leaving the table until we did clean our plate even if we had to wash it down with milk or we gagged trying. Only those who were aware of the fact that force feeding leads to obesity in adult years would let the kids leave the table when they were not hungry. There were the bar-b-ques and the meals in the rural areas that were cooked on a daily basis, but most parents did the Deli, McDonalds,Pizza Hut, corn dogs and micro-waveable meals, but instead we tend to remember the holiday meals or the meals cooked when company came, and over look the times that parents were waiting for pay-day to restock necessities.

Oh yes, it is nice to be young and to think that life was better when we were kids and we were less spoiled and more grateful. Denial does a wonderful thing to our memories until we are forced into dealing with the reality as to why we are experiencing health problems,why we always seem to deal with stress with another glass of wine, why the Dr. is prescribing Prozac, and what is it that nags at our minds at night to the point that we need a sleeping pill in order to sleep,etc. etc. Maturity brings with it the healing necessary for all of us to confront our own lives and in doing so we need to take a more honest and realistic look at our childhood.

If it is not our own health problems that force us into it then many times it is the crowds our children are hanging with, because we are as tired of our own screaming as the kids are, or some other life altering experience like adultery or divorce that wakes us up so that in order to save both our own well-being or that of our child’s we must take a good and careful look at why we thought Mom and Dad were perfect and we could never measure up.

There are those who will remain in denial their entire life as they never do grow up. They protect their lies and take denial to the grave. They also never have any real understanding for the truth but base their lives around fantasy, the shopping malls, a drugged stupor, or in a drunken haze. Their relationships fail, as just as, they do not confront and face the truth of their own childhoods they never accept responsibility for their own mistakes either.

In a healthier home parents will acknowledge their mistakes through open conversation without accusation or passing the buck.The topic of conversation many times circle around the accomplishments and successes of the members of the family. The sincerity of the members of the family is real and not clouded by spiteful comments or jealously or envy. Families become concern as to why their sibling or parents become concern as to why their child is showing such health problems. They gather together to determine how they will be able to help out the member who needs their help. The sick and hurting certainly never do need to ask for their families help because family just show up, job or no job.Many times there are explanations as to how things happened the way they did, but they do not deny that it happened, blame the child, nor argue about it with excuses being prevalent.

In a dysfunctional home the hypochondriacs come out of the woodwork concern if they too are not going to be diagnosed with such a terrible disease until they reason that they take better care of themselves.The topic of conversation is ,often times, based around who has had to suffer the most hardships and those that have,win.Rarely, if ever, do they take into consideration what extent their own decisions or choices made in their hardships. Instead they get their high off of playing a victim, since that alone, many times in their minds, gives them a right towards entitlements. They have a thousand reasons why they cannot help out with those reasons all circulating around their own needs. Some will even try to upstage the sick or injured by claiming to have far worse health problems or blame the member who is ill for having done it to themselves.

Occasionally they will send a bouquet of flowers and congratulate themselves, thinking they are helping, when what the ill really need is to have their hand held or a babysitter for the kids. It will be the mature one, often the sick person themselves, that many times acknowledge the truth and are open and honest about it, because they do have the empathy to understand and the compassion to forgive, long before the other family members will get out of denial long enough to acknowledge the truth.

Many times people do through their own ignorance, innocence, or denial make poor decisions that can and do lead to their own illness or injury.There is a fake bravado in youth that tells most of us that the warnings do not apply to us. Bad things only happen to other people. Other times due to a weaken genetic make-up what should not normally lead to injury does in some people and not in others. The great majority of us, if not all of us, would never make those decisions again if we were fully aware of what the repercussions would be. The best that most of us can hope for is that our loved ones not repeat our mistake or make different decisions than we did. A compassionate family will not point out or refuse to visit a loved one, in the hospital, when they are suffering, even when their mistake does lead to their own illness or injury. There may be other justifiable reasons not to visit but when family members stay away because,”they did it to themselves” then there clearly are,many times, more psychological reasons involved, from what most of us are aware of.

I offer to all of us then, the hope on days that seem hopeless, the inspiration on days that we do not feel inspired,the reality that life does work out as long as we claim responsibility and get the help that both we need and the help our loved ones need. It is through the maturity and the strength of wisdom that we all can handle the truth as it does bring with it the appreciation that what ever life hands us, we will some how be able to muddle through it, and be grateful for another day, another tomorrow, and another year.

We all need to know the enjoyment of each day based on truth before we do reach that point that we do understand just how short life really is. After all, if we are lucky, we have so many more adult years than we have childhood years. When we truly do love one another we will choose to treat them the way we would want to be treated, and we will know the life we created is even better than the childhood we fantasized about, ever was. Almost always it means sacrifices on the part of all of us, but we will learn ourselves and teach our children how to take responsibility,be self-sufficient and kind to others. I wish us all a terrific weekend acknowledging each other’s value, always!

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It IS That Simple

If you have had the patience to bear with me these last several weeks, I thank you and I apologize to all of you who do understand already that life is about taking responsibility for our own behavior and worth. Unless we can accept our own errors and mistakes we cannot forgive ourselves. The great majority of us do not set out to defeat ourselves or others for that matter but we all do make mistakes because none of us are or ever will be perfect. In areas where we have dependents, as in minors, then we have an obligation as well as duty to guide them, as well.

We accomplish nothing in the way we feel about ourselves or others when we control other human beings. Adults who have already taken that message to heart and placed it into practice do not need to be told by boy or girl friends, husbands,wives, parents,siblings,neighbors or anyone else how they should behave, unless they ask for our advice.When adults assume their own responsibility and are not intruding on our own lives or shirking their responsibility, they do not need our constructive criticism, as what has worked for us, often fails others. We humans are made up of diversity and individualism and when we fail to act on that we fail ourselves. Where mutual respect is held, couples will discuss their differences instead of controlling their mates

Those of us who run-away-from or shirk our own duties and responsibilities, more times than not, need guidance that was failed us while growing up. Denial is the greatest offender followed by passing blame and excuses that any adult can and does fall back on. When we find that we have fallen into this pattern as adults, we do not go back to the people who failed us, to guide us, but instead we should seek out those who have been trained professionally to help us understand where we are failing.

As the old adage goes: “Any advice worth getting is worth paying for.” It is important, that we as parents, ask for and get that advice before we or our children come to the attention of law enforcement. If and when that fails then trust your own conscience and common sense or a good friend who has both if you are short on them or too closely related to the problem. If money is in short supply, there is always help offered through Human Services in our County and other State institutions. The Baker Law, allows all police officers to take anyone suffering from mental illness, regardless of age or income, to a hospital to get the kind of health care they need.

As a Society, it is our job to understand and know the difference between who does need our help and who does not. That decision will never be based on how much someone owns, weighs,what they wear,if their interests are different from our own, where they worship,what race they are, their gender affiliation,where they live, or how much they have in their wallet or purse. We need to be protective of both ourselves as well as our own communities through both common sense, as well as,looking for and finding fact. It is rare to find truth from gossip,jealously,those who hold a grudge or seek revenge or chronic liars. It is that simple!

We all should strive for living the best life we can live, by taking ownership of our own behavior,responsibility,judgments, and truths. We parents do need to take responsibility for those entrusted into our care, who are under 18. Our job as parents does not end until they are mature enough to leave home. We can not tell them,” to do as we say and not as we do,” since all children watch before they listen.

The example we set them in our speech,behavior and action or lack of it, will always be the strongest teacher for their lifetime.A simple example of what I am talking about is:Ambition does not come from watching people who have little to none, complain about working too hard. Laziness shows its own lack of purpose. It does us all well to understand that all teenagers still need guidance and we are the parents.

When we get that part of their life right, many will ask for our help later. Other times, too many parents fail to realize that it is when we do raise them to be independent,self-sufficient, and responsible for their own needs they will not need to ask for our advice. It does us all well to remember this, so our own feelings do not get bruised, when they do fail to ask for our help. Too many times families find themselves upset over what should be taken as a compliment to our own parenting skills. We need to know the difference between giving aid because we wish to, as versus our own need to manipulate or to control their lives. It is always easier knowing we did not rear adult children, who place demands on us or try to guilt us into feeling needed, so that we assume their responsibility.

We also need to be honest with ourselves when the care of our child requires more than what we can give them and seek help from those trained to help. We neither do ourselves a favor nor them a favor when we both end up dependent on welfare and bitter. Adults and children alike learn through their own failures and successes in life. We can only learn through the earlier character building years of their life, to what extent they do require help by being honest with both them and ourselves, as to how well we did prepare them to succeed. We should not have to pass laws to make parents, parent.

We all have the duty as well as the right to make life count as nothing will ever be that important in our or their lives,again. We need to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes and accept the reasoning behind why we did what we did in order for us to be able to forgive ourselves.Joy of life comes from being able to look our, own selves, in a mirror knowing we did give life and mankind our best and in being the one person we would most want to spend our time with. Everyone else who loves us for being who we are, the way we are, is just more frosting on the cake. When we have the peace and comfort of mind, knowing we have both learned the importance of good behavior, as well as, taught it to others,through our own actions, then we will all find our own joy and peace of mind. It is that simple!

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Part 2-Shame-The Equalizer-The Destruction

Part 4 on the series of 5 posts

If you read my other 3 posts in this series, then you know I mentioned the serious mental disorders that lead to serial rape and murder. I also told you that we already have a law on the books that would allow us to treat addictions and remove a gun or knife from all minors in place, without anyone yelling,”Unconstitutional.” It is called” Reckless endangerment of a minor by an adult”. Once the law is enforced, parents,guardians, or adult buyers or pushers could be held or fined, while children received treatment for carrying a gun or knife,inebriation, or use of illegal substance that cause mental health issues to worsen, if left untreated or unenforced.

They would not have to nor would we want them to invade our privacy or business but arrests made on the streets would cut crime even more. Since the other 3 posts in this series, are more on what shame and lies are doing to our Country than on the specific diseases, I would like to go more into detail here on what we as a Nation already know about psychopaths and anti-social disorders.

Psychopaths and sociopaths (better known as anti-social personality disorder today, and are estimated to make up 4% of our Nation’s population) are a combination of mental disorders as versus just a single disorder. When America became disturbed in 1999 about the teenage shootings, Congress funded an extensive study on video games, the lack of prayer in school, working mothers, violent movies, and poor parenting as possible scapegoats for blame, as to the violence in our youth. They even canceled,” Buffy the Vampire Slayer” incase the show was leading the young people to kill.

It has become fodder for the Religious and Conservative Right to blame working mothers for years. If anything conclusive came out of it, I do not recall that it was announced. I do know that it couldn’t have found much in that regards, because the Religious and Conservative Right have said for years that single and working mothers are the cause for all social ills in America, and if they found anything significant we can all bet the media would have flooded us with the results if they found anything conclusive.We do know all other studies on working Mothers as versus stay-at-home Moms show there is no difference in the success or fail rate of children, except Mothers who do work out of the home do show that they are more satisfied and the children are better socially adapted.

This is the good news, Science does know; These disorders are possible to diagnose in children as young as 3 and 4 years of age and possibly even in the embryo in the womb, because there has been enough biological information found. For instance we know they have a lower serotonin level in the brain. If we treat children before the age of 14 then we have a possibility of a cure. These pathologies or disorders are readilly diagnosible by Forensic Psychiatrists and regular Psychiatrists. There have been smaller studies done that show head injuries during childhood may play a bigger role than some thought. That would explain why income or gender does not matter with these disorders.

If we experience aggression or violence in our children and they are bullying others as well as, are discipline problems,and appear to be play acting through life, instead of showing any real emotions, and have the following symptoms then it is in our best interests, as well as theirs, to not to try to diagnose them ourselves or have the school counselor do so, but to be referred to a Psychiatrist or Forensic Pyschiatrist to have our children checked out.This then are the symptoms:

Emotional/Interpersonal
1.glib and superficial–they are not really serious about anything
2.egocentric and grandiose
3.lack of guilt or remorse
4.lack of empathy when someone else or a pet is hurt
5. they lie and manipulate people into what they want but will not do themselves
6.Shallow fake emotions

Social Deviance
1. impulsive
2. poor behavior control
3. need for excitement–as in carnival rides or adrenaline rushes
4. lack of responsibility
5. early behavior problems
6. adult anti-social behavior–they are very charming and have groups to entertain but do not get really emotionally close to anyone. Lying and bragging also is symptomatic. It is all about them and being the center of attention. They trade friends or are left by groups faster than most people change light bulbs.

I repeat: Please do not use this list to try to diagnose yourself. As many of these are also symptomatic of other psychotic diseases and if treated wrongly can be a disaster. It requires the specialties mentioned above along with blood workups and other screenings. Since the earlier it is caught the earlier it is possible to treat and give our child a normal life, to delay or go into denial is just too sad for the entire human race. Too many family Doctors will brush us aside as over concerned mothers, so do not hesitate to find another if that is the case. One of the worse problems we have with mental illness is the denial of parents and their refusal to get help. Mothers,especially, do know when something is not quite right with their child.

We know by 15 the results of it ever being treated is next to nil. Adults with aggression and violence who are psychopaths or have anti-social disorder are not all serial rapists and murderers but all serial rapists and murderers do suffer from these disorders.

We know once a child is 14 criminal activity does start showing up and counseling does not work as another symptom of the disease is complete and utter denial and delusion. Counselling does not work as they are not able to feel shame,remorse or empathy for others. In their minds they are the intelligent ones and everyone else is stupid and nuts. Rarely will many finish school or get jobs that last. Drugs and alcohol becomes a large part of their life, which only increases the effects of the disorder. The only way Society will ever be safe from those who have the criminal element of the disorder, is to shut them up for life so that Society remains safe.

We know that they come from every social-economic level and that poverty is not responsible. There is a genectic factor. We know when they come from homes with abuse in them, their offenses are more severe than in homes where they were loved and treated well. It effects both boys and girls, men and women. Parenting is not the total blame but poor parenting does play a role. In other words, if they are raised in homes where anger is shown and expressed through fists and beatings to both them and a parent there will be more savagery committed during their crimes.

We as a Society need to be working together to get rid of the stigmatism that is stuck to mental illness. We need to quit saying we are going to do something about it and then do nothing. We have a moral obligation to express the honesty and heart break of what mental illness does do to families and then treat it.

How can we call ourselves Christian and deny that mental illness is an affliction and illness of the mind that no one ask for or deserves. There is not a family in America that has not been afflicted with it and we still act as though it is a shame to acknowledge that truth. Its’ effects on families are ripping families apart and yet as a Nation, we deny that it is a real disease no different from that of cancer. The denial, itself is symptomatic of the effects of the disease. We are so hard on people who suffer from its destructive effects that some children would rather be drug addicts than be diagnosed of mental illness, not even realizing that drug and alcohol use can also be a form of psychosis. Children need to be treated and the disorders recognized when they are younger.

As a Society,parents, schools,churches,Doctors,business men,policemen,judges,politicians,lawyers,social services all need to be made aware of the fact that boys especially, are not just being boys or girls are not just taking after their Mothers. Many times. “we hear other women say that another woman is a bitch but her daughter is going to pay her back when she gets older,” without realizing that there may be more truth to that, than they realize. Too many adults are just passing the behavior off without realizing that these children are in serious need of all of us becoming adults and hearing their cries for help.

By the time law enforcement or the Courts are dealing with them, it is already too late for them to be able to help them or Society, either one. Unless Religion and Science work together for a solution, we will never be able to find our children the help they need. With 20 States putting them to death we should all be abhorred by the shame of it all.We owe our Nation’s children a whole lot more than that! A Nation is only as strong as the way it shows compassion to it’s most vulnerable who live amongst us.

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Symptoms Of A Liar

Part 2 on the series of 5 posts

Once upon a time,I took on a job to help a child who had fallen into the pattern of lying, when it became convenient for him to get out of taking responsiblity for himself and his obligations when he was at the age he needed to, because he was someone I cared about and I felt I could make a difference. Children as a rule lie for two reasons; either they are afraid of punishment or they will embarrass themselves. Adults will lie for the same reasons but also to spare feelings in others and to exaggerate their own importance. This is not a job for wusses. I’m not sure who was punished more, him or me, but I don’t do a job half-way, as my kids will testify.

I’m sure when people heard of the punishment I adopted, in an attempt to correct the lying for his sake, it did not always meet with everyone’s approval, but I was way past that and trying to save a child that I cared about. I have always believed in the reward and punishment system with the punishment fitting the crime. Since I believe that lies,stealing, and deliberately being mean to others require a stepped up program over the everyday mishaps of life, it took all the imagination I had. Basically it was an exhausting 24/7 job that lasted 6 months and saw rewards.

It is not a job that I would ever take on again and it taught me new respect for both Bar Tenders and Psychologists. One of the things he wanted to know was, “How can you always tell that I am lying, since you catch me in a lie every time?” My husband quickly responded, “Do not try to figure out her system.” Although I had no formal training, I was born with a knack to recognize a lie the minute the words came out of a person’s mouth and they walked in the door. Maybe because I grew up with a chronic liar as a child and learned early in life, the damage a lie can do. For that I have always been grateful.

Here are a list of symptoms that you can look for if someone in your life may be lying and you are afraid that they may be or will be doing great harm to themselves or to you. Don’t use this list as verbatim because sometimes people’s noses itch even when they tell the truth. I know a person who stares, when I look them in the eye and staring can make the most honest of people blanche,sometimes. Shy people also find it difficult to maintain eye contact.
Here then is the list and I hope you find it helpful. A person who lies:

1.avoids eye contact
2.pupils dilate and blinking reduces or stops
3.does not smile or if smiles, they smile after the statement such as”I love this gift” instead of smiling while saying,”I love this gift.”
4.fake or false smiles that form at the mouth and lips only and end abruptly or unnaturally, An honest smile will involve the entire face from downward forehead to eyes to cheeks.
5.smile is forced and clearly an act
6.eyes are vacant
7.gestures and explains too much uses fewer arm and hand movements while pulling their body inward to make themselves smaller
8.uses increased touching of their face often touching or itching the nose,chin or mouth. Rarely if ever will touch their chest with an open hand
9.raises voice pitch
10.increased pauses and hesitations and stumbles over words when speaking
11.talks slower and explains too much
12.avoids using factual statements that can be checked out. Such as where did they go?what was the name of the movie?,who did they see? Eventually they learn these questions so when in doubt spring a new one on them and watch reaction.
13.Uses generalizations instead of specifics
14.repeats question to buy time and takes longer to answer it
15.Uses fewer answers than usual
16.has more uhs and ums than normal
17.is inclined to mumble over speaking out
18.Statements sound like questions
19 avoids pronouns like I or we but will use unfamiliar names and then often forgets the names used
20.implies rather than answers or will ask a question rather than answer
21.avoids direct answers
22.claims sound too good to be true
23 reasoning sounds unrealistic or emplausible
24.if they claim to be outdoors but have a little awarenes of the weather that took place or indoors and has difficulty remembering the name of the street or business. Allowances need to be given for the forgetfull.
25.the guilty tend to get defensive while the honest tend to be offensive.
26.very uncomfortable and squirms a lot.
27.they always have excuses and are always the victim.(many children truly are victims-know the difference)
28.its never their fault and they blame readily.
29.will unconsciously place an object between the two of you such as a plate,water glass, or notepad. The natural placement is always in front of us, of course.
30. will parrot our words. Such as if we ask,”did you drink the last of the milk?” They will say,”No, I did not drink the last of the milk.”

In my own experience, the number one way I could tell that a friend of mind was lying was when I went by her home at 7:30 in the morning and saw her husband’s best friend leaving while the husband was out of town. Of course observation is always the best way to truly tell if a person is lying but even then there can be extenduating circumstances.:) I’m sure others can add more to this list, but anyone that can remember this long of a list either has to be very determined or paranoid. The sooner we can catch someone who lies the better it is for both them and ourselves. Acute is always easier to treat or cure, where as, chronic is not. Good Luck!

(Caution: Sociopaths (not all are serial killers), who make up 4% of the population,will not show most of these symptoms, although everytime their lips move, they are pretty much lying)

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Perfection-The Silent Abuser

We hear often about families professing to be close and having grown up in the “Ozzie and Harriet” or “Leave It To Beaver” household but then a member of the family ends up in prison for a horrendous crime and everyone is puzzled as to “how” and “why” this could happen. These were the perfect people in a perfect family, “so how could this have possibly happened” usually follows. It is not unusual that even the experts fail to understand it when it does.

Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith wrote a book entitled “A Stranger In The Family” in the late 80′s that projected this subject well, as far as I was concern. All the experts were confused as to what went on in the home that would turn a child into a serial rapist,kidnapper and lead to murder, when everyone swore to the fact that there was no abuse in the home. No yelling or shouting, no verbal abuse or beatings, and no sexual abuse. No one went without and it was the perfect family according to them all.

Even the experts seemed to miss out on the humiliation, the mother in this family must have suffered, when she chose to defy her family to marry against the family principles and beliefs only to have been stood up at the airport with the “husband to be” was a “no show.” Within 6 months the young woman, who would become the serial rapist and killer’s mother, had met and married someone else, who prior to that, had been a stranger.

It is my unabridged theory, because her business replaced emotional needs and became her greatest dream in life, it was even known as the “Image Maker” the whole family would need to be perfect for her dream to be realized. Never again was she or anyone going to acknowledge that their life was less than perfect. She learned to be the perfect everything by studying and reading everything that would change her from being that little embarrassed farm girl into a Socially acceptable person. In many ways her life was as phony as a $3 dollar bill and she was demanding the same from her own family members.

Never again would she or her children ever be humiliated through their own actions or apparently be made to take responsibility for their failures. Even the marriage must have taken years to assimilate into this perfect picture since emotionally the husband/dad was very withdrawn and it would be difficult to believe that the marriage was much of anything other than that of a emotional rebound. Even when her son was facing the death sentence the mother seemed obsessed with keeping the image of the family over all else by letting everyone know that he was a good boy as the family image appeared more important than the sympathy she would express to the families who had truly suffered at the hands of her 29 year old son.

If this family opperated according to other families, that I have known, and gave the delusion of perfection, there would had to have been a great deal of denial,witholding of affection,delusions,pretense, and sulking in the home, if they dared be anything less than perfect children. Children are not born perfect, regardless of who tells us differently. Some children are easier to raise than others but all children require discipline and guidance. When the child was born hyper-active it was a reverse role from that of the image that this mother wanted to project.

The future serial rapist,kidnapper and murderer, became very early in life a “neat freak”, which would be understandable, as to be totally neat and perfect no doubt brought with it the hugs and kisses and positive attention that all children crave. Once given, all children are also aware of their absence, when affection is with held due to less than perfect behavior, as well. When children are taught to win approval and to live the dream of another at an early age, before even being able to develope their own personality or social skills, very often it sits up children for confusion or guilt the rest of their life.

Nothing is so dysfunctional as the home where the family professes they grew up in a perfect home with perfect parents. Many of us would do well to understand that there is no plan or pattern for normal when it comes to living life much less raising families. We all will make mistakes and hopefully the best that we can do is learn to improve on them without passing the buck or laying blame on some one other than ourselves when we do mess up.

It is only human to error,on one level or the other. All families are dysfunctional. In the case of this family the entire family became involved in and with living the mother’s dream of everyone working in her business while a father led his own seperate life pretty much bowing out to his wife. He would say that it did not matter to him if his children got C’s but she would become extremely upset if they did not get A’s, so there was never really anyplace in the family for him.

Anytime we ask perfection of ourselves or our loved ones and punish ourselves or loved ones when we or they achieve less, we are failing both ourselves as well as them. Love and affection only granted when we please our parents but with held when we are simply being ourselves and showing interest in innocent clean fun of our own, is simply another form of abuse. Ask anyone whose father showed verbal or silent disgust or their mother pouted, when their performance was less than perfect, and rendered out punishment by not speaking to the child for a week or more, what kind of hell and guilt that child suffered. At the same token in a home where a marriage between spouces is handled in the same manner, the effect can be equally devastating to the children.

All children are born selfish to survive. If they did not cry when they were hungry many would starve to death. Without guidance, on the level that they can understand, they will immediately feel when a parent is not speaking in a home, that they are the cause of it even if they do, do well. When one child is punished in this nature then all the siblings will suffer. Silence following the lack of perfection in a child’s performance can and does terrible harm to not only that child, but the entire family as well. This is not to suggest that screaming or yelling is better. Communication is always the key in any family.

So the moral of this story is, “Be careful when saying you are raising the most perfect family or came from the most perfect family”, as that statement is almost always a real reason for concern. Where drugs, alcohol,crime,indifference,neglect and mental illness are not a count against us in our homes, from the beginning, it is possible to have had a wonderful childhood but no one will ever have a perfect childhood, and survive it without some kind of scar or trauma.

So regardless, of if we blame the parents or blame Society for the outcome of the next generation, we can all be sure that we did not learn all that we needed to learn, either, but the important thing is: we did give our children love according to our own ability to give love, as our parents before us did, as well. It may be harder for some to grow up feeling as though they are loved but no person can love beyond their own capacity to give or receive love. It is only when the family itself, hides behide delusion and denial in an attempt to pretend that the dysfunction did not take place, is when the family will desinigrate.

When we accept the reality of our own childhood, is when we ultimately begin the healing and understanding process that will, in most cases, lead to a stronger and healthier family. Open and honest discussion, almost certainly, will bring with it an improvement in the next generations to come. If we feel that we may have missed out, as many children certainly do, then it is up to all of us to understand that the first step is to acknowledge that it did happen and work towards changing that reality in our own homes.

Unless we embrace the truth in our own childhood we can never really be comfortable with the decision as to remain or stay with the abuse that does become habit forming in families. It is with this fortitude and courage that we will find the peace that it requires to make a decision that can and sometimes does, last a life time. Sometimes leaving may only need be temporary as often times families fail to hear how damaging their words are or their need to control is, until after we leave. Family co-operation and support is a must regardless if it becomes a temporary or a permanent departure.

By being truly honest with ourselves,and weighing our own involvement as well, we and only we, will know if it causes more pain to stay or to leave. As parents we have the ultimate responsibility of remaining and giving our children the unconditional love that they all deserve. Children are a life time commitment when it comes to unconditional love without strings attached, but when we treat them as less, then we need to be prepared to realize that they may make the decision to leave rather than keep a lie or abuse protected.

We should never mistake emotional support or unconditional love with offering financial support to adult children, who are not disabled, and are quite capable of earning their own income as we only do further damage to them, by assuming their financial responsibility. Anytime we use money to control or manipulate another adult into doing our favor we are only adding to their distress. Sometimes the most loving thing that family members can do is to leave instead of staying and causing more pain and hurt to each of us.

As adults we must be honest with ourselves as to if continued abuse or manipulation that hurts our own families, is too large of a sacrifice to make when we get absolutely no co-operation or support from other family members in the relationship to stop the abuse or manipulation. Once free of what has become family habit, life will often turn to the fruition of our dreams, if we have put into it all the requirements necessary, to be comfortable with the decision that we make.

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Showing Our Kids Love, By Saying”NO”

When the soldiers came back from World War II we welcomed them as the heroes that they were. It was the first generation of women that worked out of the home. Many worked in plants to keep Industries running while their husbands were off to war. When the men came home some women found that they liked having jobs and incomes of their own while others went back to the kitchens. America could not throw up the small clapboard row houses fast enough. We think that families have always owned their homes but it was not true prior to this time in America. Homes were primarily owned by the wealthy and the rest of the Country worked for the Company store and rented or lived three generations in one home.

It was also the first generation to say they wanted to give their kids more than they had. Prior to this children were born to help out parents in the company businesses or on the farms and were expected to work in order to pay back their parents for feeding and clothing them or help parents earn the family income. Each generation since has been given,more and more and more.

I doubt it would hurt, if we did start saying,” we want to give and show our kids love by saying “no” to their every want, in some cases, because the truth is many of us got too much and now do not have a clue of what the difference between a need and a want is,ourself. How many of us for instance, have a ten pound bag of flour and sugar in our own homes and can bake from scratch? Know that hair permanents and nails can be done at home or massages and spas are not common around many homes in America? Gas ovens and televisions in each room are not needs?

I certainly do not recommend that we parents that give our children everything, deprive ourselves of the rewards of our own doing, because in many instances, parents do that naturally for their kids,anyway. I do believe our children need to hear that becoming adults and accepting responsibilities does mean we earn our rewards. If we all looked around our own homes, and asked ourselves, would we know what is a need as versus a want? Would you know the difference? Did you name the house, itself, since rentals are going left unwanted and home ownership has never been a guarantee but instead should be provided strictly on our own ability to provide and budget? The government has never owed us private ownership of a house at anytime in Democracy.

Although, most of us no longer abuse our children with beatings, we have developed a new form of abuse, and that is showing our love through material goods and in some cases,false expectations. Don’t you think when your children look around their homes and hear,”I want to give my children more than I had” they must be totally lost as to what it is we don’t have? Isn’t it time that we tell our kids “no” because we want you to have both the honor and privilege of feeling a sense of accomplishment for having earned what you have. We love you enough to say, “No” might not be a bad idea for a new phrase to replace the old tired and tried phrase, “we want you to have more than we had.” In many cases when children have everything, we rob both their natural drive and ambition, from them. How many of us are aware that 1/3 of the prison population were the kids that were not told “No”? Is it any wonder that we are finding out that our children have less self-esteem as civilization advances?

In giving them everything, we also rob their creative spirits as well. We have children not unlike robots or zombies that become incapable of making in-depth or considerate, respectful, decisions or very lacking in common sense. When they have everything, doesn’t that leave drugs and alcohol, as the only things that they are being denied? Don’t you think that would have as much appeal to them as say, the apple had for Adam and Eve? I personally think, going way back then, mythology was teaching us the lesson of what happens to mankind, when they have everything and are only denied one thing, don’t you?

I’m thinking it might not be a bad idea for me, grandma, to take to heart as well, before I get all of my Christmas shopping done. Then again the kids do put their foot down, and it is the only time of the year that I do get to spoil?????…………………Not so easy done as said. Enjoy your day, everyone.

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The New Bullies:Social Media

I will pick on Facebook since it is the most recognizable along with Tweeter of all of the social media. The social media gives all the bullies amongst us a platform to make up lies and to spread it across the internet. When a bully has the ability to make up lies and to bully without revealing who they are or their real name then they have unlimited access to stoop to any and all levels of disgusting behavior.

One reason that bullies do get by with being a bully is because they can hide behind others and usually function in a group, since they are all cowards, at heart. The internet gives them the ability to act alone by changing their identity so they can sink to a new level of slime. Many times a bully will ingratiate their self to the victim and in doing so they are placed on their Facebook friends page where they have access to the e-mail or the e-mail itself is given out by others if the victim is leery of the bully. Some children being bullied are the gentle amongst us, that are seeking or looking for a friend, so they are almost always vulnerable or receptive to the kindness offered by this type of bully.

It use to be, the bullies were primarily at school and our personal life was never infringed on by them after school hours. Sure they showed up with their bullies in hand between school property and home or on the buses or in the parking lots but once out of the sight of the bully, our free time was unencumbered, by them.

With the invent of the computer and the social networking there is no way to get away from them, short of parental supervision or denying the use of all technology. Many kids never let their parents know they are being bullied as it only adds to the shame the child already feels. A bully, is in most cases, readily recognizable by the bunch that they hang out with, even though a great deal of them also function on charm. For an adult to deny, they do not know who the bully is both at school and at home, is many times, ludicrous.

By the time our children reach highschool age, it does become naive of anyone to think that a parent does have the ability to supervise all movement of their teenagers, but on the other hand, it does not mean that teenagers should be left carte blanc without supervision either.

Since the majority of suicides are happening in the grade school or junior high levels of education we need to place special emphasis or study into these years of education. With most victimizations, there usually are a set of symptoms of behavior or withdrawal that precedes it, with both the victims and the bullies. Both parents and schools need to know and understand more clearly what they should be looking for. Teachers who are supervising the areas, need to be given the ability to deal with it when it happens. We need to get over the attitude that,”words cannot hurt us” because in many ways verbal abuse is much harder to recognize as well as deal with than physical abuse, since we can all see physical abuse happening whereas verbal abuse can be and is often times more subtle.

Then our communities must determine if bullies or in some cases,their parents, will be treated like all other assault or hate crime criminals are treated. We can not say we want something done about it and then scream about government or authorities infringing on our lives. In some cases it may include giving authorities both the right to enter our homes as well as to remove the computer from the same.

Unless adults are ready to act against bullies, then we remain where we have been for years and that is with adults being the bullies, that not only spread but also condone hate and everything continues getting worse, while our children continue committing suicide. If that sounds callous, then isn’t it time that we adults do something to change the reality of it, ourselves, by setting and showing example? Clearly this redneck attitude of,” just hit back”, has solved nothing over the years and we can no longer claim ignorance or innocence when bullies can and do kill, regardless of the way they use to bully or who condones the behavior.

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