Family Gathering For Thanksgiving

I am not writing this post for those of you who are suffering or have done without this Thanksgiving, because if you have been suffering for a while now, most of you are already grateful for the significant things in life, such as food on the table or life itself.  Others may be grateful for electricity being restored or for the Insurance adjuster showing up.  It has been a matter of fact for years now, that the more mankind suffers, the more likely we are to be grateful for the things that others take for granted.

I write this instead for those who are gathering for Thanksgiving and dreading the moment.  There are families who all have that one person, if not two or three, who feel it their yearly obligation.” to rain on our parades.”  We all know them, they will say things like,”Why can’t Mary find a man?”; “Will Johnny ever get a decent job?;”or “Whats wrong with you anyway that you can’t be more like your Saintly sister?; “You know what your brother said about you?”; “I don’t know how your husband or wife can stand you or just the opposite I don’t know how you can stand your husband or wife,”  or why are you so fat when your brothers and sisters aren’t?” Anything they can find to ridicule us about and then sit and laugh about it when they do insult us or hurt our feelings, like it is some kind of a fabulous joke. If they can’t show their own resentment in life, through turning us against the family, then they will turn the family against us.

When they are not making comparisons with one of us on the losing side of what they think is acceptable behavior in us, then they are putting their leg on a chair so no one can miss the fact that their arthritis is acting up in their knee or they belabor their suffering in  great detail.  There will be others who suggest that we can make a better broth or gravy if we just add such and such to it while others insist on carrying a conversation with us through the walls of a different room, while complaining that they cannot hear us, while we are trying to time the turkey coming out with the dinner rolls being finished.  Others will complain about it being too hot while others complain about it being two cold. These same people will be the last to even notice that we are caring for a sick child or suffering from the end results of the flu, while we try to put on a brave front so we do not spoil our own family’s Thanksgiving.

Speaking from someone who swore each year that I was not going to go through another Holiday where the person involved in ALL of the above behaviors could ruin it for my family, it took years before I found the courage to tell her that we would be spending the holiday without her.  Since there were 4 other children in 4 different States who could have paid her expenses and asked her for the Holidays but refused to, I had to learn to ignore the criticism and bear it, until it reached the point the only other one of her children who would take a turn ,decided to match the bullying techniques move by move, and then I washed my hands of it completely.

It is not easy to enjoy the Holidays with a mother only 4 blocks away and alone.  I was greatly criticized by those who refused to give me a break by taking our mother in my place, and by others who knew a different person from the one both myself and my family knew. There does come a day in all of our lives that we must reach our own decisions on our own priorities.  When we had honor rolls, graduations from not just highschool but college and grad school as well as engagements and marriage plans, there did come a time that as a grateful family, we did have the right to celebrate without the center of attention going to my mother who gains attention with continued hurtful or negative comments.

If you find that someone is ruining your Holidays, I do hope you take the time to understand their suffering and give them the attention that they crave,but I also want you to know when the negatives in your family is denying the other family members from giving thanks and celebrating the joys of the family, perhaps it is time to reverse your course or to ask,” what are the priorities of your loved ones?”

Respect walks a two-way street beginning with respecting our own needs as well as the needs of those who depend on us.  For those who can deal with both, despite the abusive grumbling of spouses,mothers and bitchy fathers,jealous siblings,ungrateful children,complaining Aunts and Uncles or Grandparents, I congratulate you on your strength and forbearance.  I hung in for 35 years out of my own sense of duty to my mother, but with growing health problems, myself, it was time to eliminate the negativity in order to enjoy the positive in our lives.

I know other people who deliberately make a habit of working the Holidays,or  leaving for better weather, Vegas or the Beach, in order to avoid having to confront the issues of family.  Others will go ahead and put up with it and then make their friends lives miserable for a month in both the dreading of it before the Holidays and the hurt of it when they leave.  The Holidays can be stressful, because as much as many of us look forward to them there are many others who go into a depression that spreads through the family because they are hanging onto a time in their child hood or life when they felt deprived.

Others will lose loved ones on the Holiday and we do understand that they grieve, as a result of it.  What I am describing here are those who feel that even though they got cheated in life, they are the experts over the entire family, and will not rest until they feel they get the upper hand even though they contribute nothing other than the complaints that brings all of the rest of us down.

We all hear how elderly parents are left to spend the Holidays alone by ungrateful children but never do we hear that parents are left to spend Holidays alone because they themselves have established a record of being ungrateful for those of us who do make the effort to include them until they themselves wear out their welcome.

Many times these same people will become the favorites of strangers or the nursing staff and then treat their own children like they are beneath them because they refused to believe as they were told to believe,accept the faith of their parents,loved someone their parents forbade them to love, or did not become the person the parent thought they should become.  The parent was continually ashamed or embarrassed by their own children’s appearance or the way they dressed. At the same token some parents had reason for concern, when the adult child’s behavior was out of control or they were too willing to accept abuse,themselves.  There are any number of ways beside ungrateful children, as to why family members do end up alone on Holidays.

I welcome the idea that mankind is one family and when our own blood family drives us away with their own behavior that they do find a friend or care giver that befriends them when we ourselves cannot.  I think I speak for many this Holiday Season when I say that we are very grateful that our loved one’s have you in their lives.  We do love them, despite the fact that when we try to love them, they themselves drive us away with their words and behavior against us.

Those of you who think  I am talking about simple cantankerous relatives who are suffering, and it is the same that you welcome into your lives, all I can say for the rest of us is,”NO They Are Not! Not all of us are as fortunate as to have family members who are any different at 70 than they were at 30 or at 3, and there in lies the difference. We grow old as we grew young while some wounds are never allowed to scar or heal by those who spend a lifetime taking out their hurt on those of us who are the closest to them, while they refuse to get the help we offer them. Many times you instead can be the catharsis to them that we cannot be, and as a result we remain grateful to you, a total stranger.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be grateful for all of those who we too often take for granted and love each other. The less said the better Thanksgiving will be for all of us, if the only thing that crosses our minds has criticism attached to it, just because we may think it is constructive criticism, it has no place at the dinner table, now or ever.  Perhaps constructive criticism does exist on a job where an employee struggles to learn the same, but criticism in a family is criticism.

If we can not treat family members with the human dignity of respect how can we teach our own children or grandchildren to give respect and to demand the same respect, in their own lives? If discussing our differences becomes as lop-sided as the lack of respect shown, then we need to make decisions in the best interests of those who do care about us and who depend on us. We cannot expect others to defend us if we refuse to defend our own right to be treated with human dignity. As adults if we cannot discuss our differences without demeaning ourselves or others, then it is time to consider another recourse.  If we do not like receiving criticism ourself, then we must learn to be adults and not give it, as what goes around will come around. If you are traveling have a safe trip and God Bless us all!

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Accepting Disability

Congratulations! By now you and your loved ones as well as the medical profession, are all on the same page. I would not interfere with or suggest that I know how or why you reached this mile stone in your life, but I understand as you must have, that we each have our own path to take when reaching this point.

If you have followed my posts, then you understand as I do, that I cannot write about the disabled through mental illness, severely brain-damaged, catatonic, or severely paralyzed as, I, just like you, have never experienced this type of disability. Just as there are stages in cancer or heart disease there are also stages in disability. Sometimes, especially with injury, it is a very slow progression, if it progresses at all, and with others, that include disease, it can be fairly rapid. I do believe it is safe to say though that regardless of the disability, unless we have reached the mental state of acceptance, none of us do totally understand how we will react or respond a year from now.

I hope that by talking about my own experience then, I can help you discover,as I have, that the mind needs to be in the place of acceptance in order for the body to respond accordingly. When I reached the point that I understood any further testing would simply update medical records and bring no further relief or change of treatment to me and that.” it was what it was,” then I understood,I was left with nothing further than accepting what I could do and what would be very painful to do.

I began my introduction to the idea that things would never be normal in my life, as I had planned it, when my body was sending out all kinds of warning signals that seemed to be untreatable but at the same time was raising my blood pressure. Along with the disabling disease that caused a great deal of pain, I was reacting to the treatment. Our children were still quite young as I was only 28 years of age, and initially I could not distinguish between symptoms of what ailed me, versus symptoms of drug reactions. It is extremely difficult to do, especially when the diagnosis is inaccurate or someone has deemed themselves God in our lives, and decided to withhold the truth from us, by playing down our symptoms when we ourselves already are experiencing debilitating pain.

I went through all the emotional upset and trauma that we all go through as I had always had the attitude that it would be easier for me to die than to be disabled. I, like everyone else, had heard of,” all the miracles of modern medicine” so it came as a shock to me that medicine could not cure everything much less not be able to treat everything. Just like you, I asked the question, “why me” until I was able to answer it with “why not me?” All kinds of mistakes were made by me and those around me, and I definitely suffered dark periods in my life. Whenever they attempted to treat one area of my body then it would throw off another system of my body. This is quite common in treating the central nervous system.

Many times I had to complain for several years before I was taken seriously about my complaint once the Dr.s did get the diagnosis correct. There was a real sense of, “we can’t do anything about her complaint so lets find something wrong elsewhere and get her to concentrate on that.” I would advise everyone prior to having surgery of any type to ask if it is elective or mandatory for the condition in which you need relief. It took me much too long to see past this ploy, I’m afraid.

In short it was a helluva place for me to be as I tried to protect my loved ones from it and never spent a day in bed outside of when I was hospitalized. I went ahead and took care of my own responsibilities along with most everyone elses, other than my immediate family who understood as they lived with me, until I reached the point that to push myself any harder was very destructive to both myself as well as my longevity.

Still today I will go ahead and do something that causes a great deal of pain like refinish a piece of furnish just in order for me to understand that if I had effective pain treatment I would not be physically disabled. Effective pain treatment at this point would definitely put me into an almost catatonic state due to the increase of the necessary amount of drugs it would take to allow me to operate pain-free and under normal ability. Sadly, I am allergic to the standard form of treatment for my particular disease.

At the very least, abusing or increasing substantially, the only drugs available to my treatment themselves, would lead to mental confusion,anxiety and depression, if not cause early death, so I gladly live with the pain treatment that dulls pain if I do little to nothing. I can still determine to what length of time and rest I can take and still feel well enough to enjoy my life. I plan on staying in charge of my brain since I do have less and less to say about my physical abilities and must use the necessary aids available to me.

With all diseases, there are good days and bad days. My best days will always be the days that I can accomplish doing some of what I want to do. Many times because I have developed interests in oil painting,collecting,reading,genealogy,research and writing I can have a terrific day doing very little according to Society’s point of view, and still be relatively pain-free, as well. I can do most hobbies upwards of an hour a day. Most of us will learn that we have never really done what it is that we truly love doing, prior to our injury. At this point it is all about keeping my mind healthy to both concentrate, learn, and to becomes less dependent on the pain treatment.

I understand that on days that I want to do something I will pay the price in pain but I prefer doing it, to being waited on by a caregiver and being bed or chair bound permanently, due to the fact that my mind has been lessened as a result of pain treatment. Since pain is no longer relieved by rest my tolerance to pain has built naturally over the years. There is a real danger with Doctors either under-treating or over-treating with pain medication so make sure, you yourself, knows the difference.

Long story short, it is my hope that all of you can and do reach the point that you have cried your last tear, yelled out of anger and frustration, for the last time, and found genuine peace in the things that you can do. I hope you find real joy of waking up each day knowing that you and only you are still in charge of the areas in your life that matter the most.

I hope you never question or listen to what people who have never experienced your level of disability have to say on the subject.(unless they are medically or spiritually trained to offer relief or peace of mind or are kind enough to act as your caregiver and to listen to you) I hope you have found a Dr. that will be honest with you and help when you do ask for help. I hope you know to celebrate and rejoice in what you can do and no longer grieve what you can not do.

I hope you have learned the value of this moment,hour, day and see the beauty in each day. I hope if you require a caregiver and still have responsibilities that you do not ask others to do what you can still do ,yourself. I hope you have a good imagination that allows you to figure out a different way of doing the same thing that you use to do and have learned patience in doing so.

I hope you get a genuine”kick” or “hoot” out of life and count your Blessings for being a part of the human race, regardless of what the ignorant or ill-informed seem to think or believe to the contrary. I hope you despise sympathy and understand and empathize with others who have less than you do. But most importantly of all, I hope you do know your own strengths as well as your own limitations, and have a support system that applauds you for knowing the difference. If that includes no one more than yourself and a good book and you still know the joy of waking up each day, then you have made it, my friend. I do know it is all possible with the right attitude, just as you have already learned, yourself. Congratulations! I’m proud of you!

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Disability Before Acceptance

The in-between stage, from the shock to acceptance of disability, can be and often is a time of turmoil. Even if family is slow to accept or the medical profession itself is not responding to our symptoms, most of us find that we can not deny those strange things that are happening to us, in our own bodies. The next big step is in the frustration of getting family to accept it. In some cases where it is disease over injury, just getting the medical profession, itself, to understand can be an equal frustration.

I recommend family get all the necessary help and opinions that are available to them, as well as research on their own, so that they can understand the disease as well as ask questions based on the same. This is not a time to hide behind denial, manipulation, or intimidation, as the sooner we react the better the results will become, in many cases. Doctors,as a rule, will be slow to volunteer any information unless we do ask the questions.

Once we do get over the shock of understanding that so little is still known or understood about the central nervous system (the system most effected by disease or injury that leads to disability) then we understand a bit better why the answers are not coming. Any of us that do deal with chronic disease or injury get a quick lesson in,” the lesson of cause and effect”, because the medical profession is still leap years away from understanding or knowing what does cause most diseases.

I have had Doctors who leave the room and send in the nurse without answering my questions when I do ask questions and have been yelled at for asking them,told there was something going on in my own environment causing it, treated like it was hopeless so why bother, lied to, and heard a lot of, “we simply do not know the answers.” If your Doctor is not forth coming with answers or explanations, then get another opinon. Doctors, themselves, many times get frustrated and their behavior or bedside manner can add to the already difficult position that many of us face. People react differently to stimulus or answers and because Doctors treat on averages instead of individuals, many times the treatments themselves are either ineffective or can jeopardize our health further.

We all reach our level of acceptance with trial and error and many times feel very lonely in the process. People as a general rule can be insensitive, rude or very unkind as well as reverse and become terribly understanding. Do not give up on them, but if it is necessary to put distance in between, then do so. It is a time to surround ourselves with a strong support system or to accept that we are in it for the duration.

Just a note, to the people who will set themselves up to be caregivers or inherit the job. The more you accept the fact that the disabled person needs to test and find out their own abilities and or limitations the easier it will be for both of you. Many times caregivers will baby or accuse the disabled person out of their own frustrations and this only adds to an already difficult time. For the most part the more normal we make life the better the results. If it is a child that needs to be taught right from wrong then teach them the same as you would the rest of the children in the household. Even if it requires repeating and repeating it is important, regardless of the disease or injury, they learn to behave. It clearly will add to the difficulty, but disabled children that grow up to not understand their own responsibilities to society, often times become a further statistic.

With time and a lot of communication and many wonderful people to compensate for the jerks that exist in all “walks of life” when it comes to disability,everything is possible. Hope for the best while preparing for the worse and the results can often times be amazing. We must base that on the accomplishment of the disabled and the functional ability of the same.

Do not get caught up on who can do what or think age matters as many times it does not. Nothing will teach gratitude, acceptance of the unknown, release of fear and knowing and understanding our own priorities in life, more than what the lessons that currently lie ahead of you will teach. Good luck and do not misplace your direction, but expect to fall off the path a time or two, as it is expected and normal to do so.

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Power Chair Versus Electric Scooter

When the time came that I was no longer willing to depend on being pushed in a regular wheel chair in order to maintain a length with normalcy, I was sent to the physical therapist by my Doctor to be measured for a power chair. Naive as I was, I did not know or understand the options available to me so I will try to educate those of you that are in the position I was in.

My particular disease will allow for sporadic walking, currently. This means I can walk to a table and be seated or go through a small antique store or do limited walking and standing with a cane, and with the knowledge that I have to be willing to suffer pain and discomfort in doing so. Due to injury to my arms as well as my legs as a result of both lower and upper spine deterioration, I am not able to use the large wheeled hand-operated wheelchair that I can empower myself. I would definitely encourage this mode of transportation for those that still have upper body strength as muscles that are not used are lost.

I have since learned more about the availability of what I like to refer to as toys available to the disabled and will give you my take on both. Unless you get a foldable power chair that will break down or fold up and be placed into a trunk of a car you will need both a van and a lift of some type to put the chair into the van. In my case since I and my husband both are taller than normal, it required a custom van that would allow for standing. Regardless of the type of lift you do get, they have not yet perfected them to run consistently with the doors opening effectively each time. If you go this route, you soon learn to only enter or exit on a flat service, for more operable use of both.

Although I have never had the foldable or take apart power chair, I have checked into them and tried them out but found, in my opinion, for them to be fairly cheaply made and the price difference reflects that. Power chairs when recommended by Dr.s are paid for by the Insurance Companies. Medicare rarely if ever pays for them. The other large difference between the foldable light weight power chair and the regular power chair, is the lack of speed and power to both climb and dislodge from ruts, since in order for the light weight chair to be loaded by hand. it takes considerably smaller batteries to run.

A typical power chair that needs a lift weighs in at approximately 250 pounds due to larger and heavier duty batteries, whereas a portable or foldable one can weigh as little as 40 pounds. I applaud the power chair business that works with the medical field in developing the power chair as I have had little to no problems with the standard chair that requires a lift.

Scooter companies, I also own a scooter, works as a retail outlet and it becomes important that we understand like all retail companies there are good and not so good ones. Check out a consumers report site or magazine on the ones ranked the best before buying. Although there are also foldable and breakdown (can be taken apart without tools) in the scooters they also have the same power deficiencies as the power chair when it comes to both power and speed, when they are of the light weight variety. Scooters with three wheels will turn in a smaller circle than with the 4 wheels but they also are more susceptible to upsetting if turned too sharply.

If we want to use our chairs and scooters outdoors on more rugged terrain or on a beach the standard size chair and scooter are going to be a must. If you only need a scooter or chair to shop or enter casinos,businesses or Church then the foldable or break-apart will perhaps suffice, but I repeat that they do not have the power to pull or become dislodged from what sometimes is nothing more than a small rut and they can not be pushed beyond the power of the battery to pull itself out of the hole.

The standard power chair will meet all requirements for any need for the disabled but the aggravation of trying to get a lift and automatic doors to respond can be and is a consistent problem when using them. We have had to remove both bolts and carry a rope in order to tie doors shut or to crank in the lift. This is simply something that most disabled people are not capable of doing since most of us cannot bend sufficiently,get up and down off of a floor, or are paralyzed. I would also warn that all power chairs have hollow tires with tubes much as a bicycle and they can be or are punctured by nails,Texas sand burrs, glass etc. The scooters are solid rubber tires and do not ever go flat.

I much prefer the power chair to the scooter as they do turn on a dime and can get in and out of places a scooter will never be able to get in and out of. I was fortunate that I was steered to go that direction first. The custom van (some people may be able to make a standard van work) will run between $55,000 to $60,000 and this is money a great many people simply do not have. There is State aid of some type, I did not look into it, for the lifts but we are all on our own to raise the money for our vans.

All scooters, even when they are not advertised to be, are able to be taken apart, as a rule. They are idea to do outdoor activities as they can be both hand loaded when taken apart in 4 easy pieces, and have both fairly good power and speed if they are of the more heavy-duty type. Since the tires are made of solid hard rubber they never go flat. They are not covered by health insurance, as a rule, and need to be paid for out of our own pockets.

They are much less expensive and need a wide berth to turn, especially when using the four wheel. If we try to shop with a scooter we will need to be prepared to back up when there is traffic in the aisle as versus turning around as we can with the chair. The scooters however, are able to get in and out of a single door easier that the power chair. For the most part, the scooter is more of a transportation need and requires far less dollar output but is not to be mistaken for use where medical requirements are needed for the use of a chair.

Since it does not require the same level place to both load and unload due to the fact that there is no lift required, I much prefer taking the scooter on vacation with me, and using the power chair for shopping. It is a personal choice on my part.

I still use strictly a cane or canes while in and around my home, with the advantage of carrying a lightweight stool, and recommend that everyone that can, devise a system for themselves, that will give them better ability to develop over-all muscle strength, when possible. Any time spent out of both the scooter or chair will prolong our own ability to perform for ourselves as well as others, when possible, as well as maintain our own independence. Although both the electric scooter and powerchair will give us much more freedom outside of our homes and enable us to live more independently from requiring help from others. I hope I have offered you some help here, as I found very little to none, when I needed to know the difference.

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Staying Up For An Old Dog

No I am not talking about my husband, although over the 41 years of our marriage, I have waited up many a night for him to get home from sports activities, meetings, golfing, bowling, hunting, or boy’s night out. I am talking literally here. I am talking about our dog. As people and their pets age they need to get up more often to visit the privy or to go outdoors. It’s a kidney thing that happens to all of us as we get older.

I am somewhat and always have been, a night owl, anyway. If I had not developed a problem earlier in life, with getting comfortable due to an injury problem, I probably would not wait up at night to let my good and loyal pal out to relieve himself. I would do like others and put him on new papers for the night. I do not want to relay the idea that I am totally out of my mind or some kind of a saint that would relinquish their sleep on a nightly basis to spare their husband sleep or to let an old dog out to whiz. Even though I do wait up to do just that. It is not unusual to find myself up, occasionally yet, at 4:00 in the morning waiting for the dog to come out.

I wrote about him previously, and of his having a nervous breakdown when we left him at the vets while my husband and I took a trip out to see our daughter. He was a birthday gift to my husband and he has proven to be quite loyal to both of us. He spreads himself around quite nicely making sure he does not over use one of us over the other. Quite unusual for a dog, as most are a one person pet, and protective towards one member of the family as versus both. He is my duty, during the day and my husband’s job at night. He makes certain he hangs with us in our spots according to the terms he has made for himself.

When our daughters graduated College and both were close to heading out to seek their fortune I bought the dog for my husband for a birthday gift. He had the responsibility of having to put down another family dog and had sworn off all dogs for life. Needless to say he was not too enthused when my youngest daughter and I went and got him a new puppy for his birthday.

That lasted for 72 hours and the dog won him over. He is a toy cocker spaniel which is a cross between the Japanese Chin and the cocker spaniel and was a reject of his family as he could not get papered due to an underbite so when he smiles, he really does smile, he looks like he is ferocious and about to bite.

I wanted a dog that I could spoil and did not have to discipline as I hated that part of parenting and set out to spoil the new member of our family rotten. The dog ended up proving to me the need to discipline as just like children need guidelines and discipline so do pets. I realized I would do a much greater disservice to him if I did not discipline him and make him fit to visit our children’s homes as well as motel rooms.

He almost died on us with colitis this past winter as his grieving for us became so great when we boarded him, so I am delighted to announce that he is back to walking his three miles with my husband, unless it is too hot, and doing just fine as far as jumping on any piece of furniture he cares to sleep on. As of May he was 15 human years of age so if I miss out on a little sleep to let him out at night I figure it is no less than what he would do for me if he had the ability. Although many peope will not tell you this, many of us us that will admit it, will tell you once we get past a certain age, we nod off in our chairs enough to make up for the sleep lost anyway. He is one of those dogs that if you are lucky enough to find one in a life time, then you are lucky enough.

I can’t say enough to all of you, who are responsible and kind-hearted enough and have never had a pet, but are feeling as though your life is missing something, the amount of joy or pleasure a pet will give you in your life. If you find you have love to give, are appreciative of your own life and want to share your life with someone that is both loyal and safe to share your time with then consider getting a pet. Millions of them need people like you.They are a terrific cure for empty nest syndrome. Make sure before you do visit your local animal rescue center though that you are willing to give up both your time and have the means to care for them if they get sick and have medical expenses.

Animal rescue does not have time or the resouces to educate you on the care of a pet so be sure you know if you are ready to add another member to your family. If you can love without reserve you can care for a pet. As loyal as a dog is they are also as helpless as a child so they will need the commitment for their entire lifetime, from you. Our cities are filled with feral dogs running wild because people brought dogs home and were not willing to give them the care they deserved. Don’t add to the problem if all you want is a companion that you are not willing to give back to through sacrifice when needed. On the other hand if you are ready to add to your life more power to you!

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My Aunt The Care Giver

To protect the anonymity of my aunt I will change the names in this post to reflect the same. I write about her today to point out the human frailty that often accompanies the perspective of the person that gives all their life over to others and is slow to ever accept or ask for help.

My Aunt Mary often spoke about the hardships she suffered being a care giver to her neighbor and was of the attitude that the children did not care. I’m not sure if the neighbor told her that or if she felt it to be true on her own. She and her husband would do everything for the neighbor that clearly should have been getting professional care as it included changing diapers for him. This is not nor should it ever be expected to be the job of a neighbor.

To know my aunt was to know a person that swept into a room and took total control of a situation while pushing others aside and taking charge. She was the true epitome of a control freak. She was very out spoken and many I’m sure was intimidated by her but she had a heart as big as the “whole outdoors’.

Her husband ran a business in a small California town and she raised their three children and did volunteer work all her life. When he retired the two of them took care of the neighbor. Whether it was a situation in this case of children not caring or of her doing it and leading them to believe that they were glad to do it, will always be up to debate. She was not the type that would have likely complained to them.

I do know as long as we do take care of the responsibility of others they’re always going to be people who will let us. To imagine that generation of dads would not be out of character to understand a good possibility did exist that he never spent time with his children. It would not be just a remote possibility but more likely a reality. There is great truth in “what goes around comes around.”

As her niece I do know after that experience my uncle passed on and prior to his doing so, they both had agreed that they would never again be a care giver to anyone. Anyone that has ever been a caregiver to the elderly does realize that many times the disabled person has a real resentment for the care giver.

No one wants to admit that they need help and instead some will even invent stories of living a life where they are very active doing their own work or socializing when they in truth are hiring or manipulating people to do what they claim to be doing. Sometimes they will claim to belong to a group or volunteering and go once or twice a year, if that, but claim to be going each week. Many times it is nothing more than a fantasy or delusion of their minds. It is important that family members, living a distance away,give as much if not more credibility to the mental health of their loved ones as they do to their physical health. Bickering between the disabled and care giver then is not unusual.

As life would have it and there being a great deal of truth in the old phrase,”never say never” once more aunt Mary felt the call to be a care giver. Her sister would have a stroke and require home and nursing care. This was a situation that Aunt Mary felt only she was capable of handling. Although there were many complaints by other nieces that my Aunt Helen’s daughter did not step up and take care of her mother there is no doubt in my mind that she would not have been able to fight off Aunt Mary to do so if she had tried.

Aunt Helen spent money to have a large bedroom and bath built onto Aunt Mary’s home and the two sisters would live together for 18 years. As is so often the truth this ended up being a situation where Aunt Mary took control thinking she had control over her life and would talk about when her sister passed on she would move closer to her own daughter and have a life of her own. She was well past her 90th birthday still talking in this manner.

The two sisters bickered constantly with each other but both spoke low knowing that neither could hear well so neither were as aware as others around them just how poorly the two did get along. No one ever doubted their love for each other but it was clearly a hardship on both of them. It was primarilly Aunt Helen that would complain about Aunt Mary but at the same time it was always obvious that Aunt Mary and Aunt Helen were grateful to have each other in their lives.

Both remained very up and positive towards life all of their life despite their living situation. My aunt Mary and Aunt Helen would bake for their neighbors up to the last days of their lives. Aunt Mary would even go defrost the refrigerator and clean the house for her grandson, who divorced, even when she was 92 years of age. This was a woman that was a millionaire and certainly could have hired help but in truth she never felt anyone could do it as well as she could.

She had COPD as well as had suffered a couple minor heart attacks and had congestive heart failure and yet she still talked about a life that she looked forward to, of just her own, once her sister passed on.

Clearly she adapted to denial well and lived with it comfortably in order to justify her being a care giver to her sister who was two years older. Her own daughter was well into her sixties before Aunt Mary would let her do the dishes following Aunt Mary and Aunt Helen cooking for the family of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren gathering. Aunt Mary would dole out the duties she would do and those that she would allow Aunt Helen to do.

Finally at the age of 91 with her sister being 93 and incontinent and on a walker, Aunt Mary decided she could no longer take care of Aunt Helen so she went to a convalescent home. Even then Aunt Mary would show up each day to make certain that Aunt Helen had a good lunch provided her and to give orders to the staff that she acknowledged was doing a good job. She made sure that Aunt Helen would spend the holidays at home with her and around family.

At 93 Aunt Mary suffered from congestive heart failure and was hospitalized in a retirement center barking out orders and sadly quite bitter for a life that she looked forward to but never got to live. Her sister Aunt Helen would out live her by 4 months.

My true story then is about the risk that the compassionate amongst us all take by always putting others before our own needs. Do we actually really serve our purpose when our lives are lived for others? Isn’t it human to give and then to complain about it? Although from the outside looking in my Aunt Mary may have looked like a Saint to many, one does need to remember the number of years she spent complaining about being a care giver,however, so that we do not repeat the mistake.

It certainly does not make loved ones feel good in their grieving when they know that a loved one was unhappy in their life and died bitter as a result of it. Did she defeat her own purpose of life or is she still controlling our thoughts from the grave? None of us ever knows the truth of another so why do we always speak as though we do? Perhaps that is the lesson that Aunt Mary taught us and is the one that would do us well to retain.

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