The Risk Within

I have written many posts, at this point, on taking responsibility. My intention is to express to all, what we often find as fault or blame in others, can actually be as a result of a short coming, within ourselves.

I do not blame the victims or believe that anyone who is being mistreated should ever feel it is their fault. I simply want people to question,themselves, why they do tolerate such behavior and to find what changes they can make,to improve their own lives. Too often we never do ask ourselves what it is we can do or need to do, to improve our own lives. It is always easier to blame others than it is to look for or find solutions for ourselves.

As difficult as it is to accept,for some, the truth is that too many times we do become no different from robots, who go about our daily lives never questioning those who are controlling us or ourselves, if we have a strong urgency to control others, who do fine, without our need to control. We can become apathetic,indifferent,a bully, or too complacent or trusting with the people and power of the World that goes on around us, just as we can with ourselves.

If we simply follow routine, that we have slipped into and take programming from others in our lives, we can often wake up to discover, when the relationship ends, that we have taken too many people in our lives for granted or accepted too poor of a treatment,for ourselves.

As long as we insist that we do not care for politics or feel a need to vote, because we incorrectly think both parties are just alike,or we give our vote to another, without thought, we can often end up to discover the party that protects oil companies and big business is the same that allows Democracy to erode. We must always remember, for instance, that oil companies will and do control the politics of States where oil is King, such as Wyoming,Oklahoma and Texas.No different than what tourism is to Disneyland or Disney World.

If our daily life, ends up with our free time being limited by other’s recommendations or dedicated to the inter-net, some television and radio broadcasts that are not concerned with the truth or the news, but instead report slanted views, and we believe the lies that are often spread through the social media and paid ads, we can too often, end up believing lies over truth, not to mention, without having an original thought of our own.

Without educating ourselves, to the reality and truth over perceptions, the knowledge of which party or candidate will do the best job for us and the middle class,will be lost in ignorance or lies, when we do go to the polls and vote. When this happens it is sometimes ourselves, who are the most ill-equipped to vote,not to mention the most dangerous to Democracy.

It is easy to get caught up in our day-to-day habits and routine, to the point that we become lost to ourselves or perform as robots,never questioning the reality of what we are doing or hearing. The longer we do it the more accepting we become of things that do not make sense, when questioned.

It is not something that we are always aware of, in fact most of us do not even have a clue, until we do have trauma take place in our lives, and it forces us into acknowledging what we have accepted as truth, without questioning, a great deal of the time was merely perception, and does not even come close to being the truth.A for instance of that is, we commonly think modern medicine can cure anything until we get seriously ill, and the great majority of us are surprised at how little medicine does know about cause much less cure. Too many times, our own survival will depend on us being more honest and realistic, when dealing with our own lives.

We cannot blame those who we turned over control of our lives to, simply because we were taking comfort in our own lifestyle or stressing over what had very little real significance,in comparison to where our priorities needed to be, in our own lives, much less in the Democracy of America. We need to remain alert to both past and present history, both in ourselves and our own behavior, as well as in the world, that goes on around us.

I doubt, many of us would or could argue, that if we showed as little interests in our jobs or our families, who we have been Blessed with to guide, as we do in the maintenance of Democracy, we would not be at our current job or a reputable member of our family, for long.

Just as we need to stay on our toes, when it comes to the needs of our friends and family, we also need to be aware of how our own behavior affects those we profess to love, as well as, what happens in the World around us. When we fail to keep up with ourselves and our own needs and behavior, we often fail to keep up with the needs of those around us, as well.

We need to be comfortable in the knowledge, we gain, that our own vote just as our own behavior, can and will safeguard the equality as well as the quality of life for all of us, who do embrace freedom. If we fail to appreciate that those we love the most, ourselves included, can be a statistic tomorrow, we often risk the fact that we will deny our own freedom, when others start talking about changing the Constitution to deny others their rights.

It is too easy to think that as long as we are not complaining then those that we love do not have complaints either. If we are busy shopping and hiding the receipts from our spouses, we fail to realize the short high, that we receive, is often the long misery that they receive, when it comes to balancing the budget.

When we constantly sacrifice while our spouse spends or does nothing but argue with us or dismiss our efforts, we are not so content either.Just as we cannot continue to elect politicians who refuse to do anything for the American people, because the other Party may win. We can too many times go back to the fox guarding the hen-house when we refuse to educate ourselves, both in the future needs of our families as well as our Country.

When we all develop the attitude that we, each, are much more than a robot and the risk of both our family as well as American’s Democracy rests on the shoulders of individuals, we will prove we are all reliable to the rest of the World.We owe all those, who look to us for freedom, the responsibility of maintaining Democracy, by putting as much effort into, “Freedom for All”, as we do into our own families.

It needs to be both our goal as well as our priority to know the differences between each candidate and party,including the Tea Party, before we vote. Democracy as well as the survival of our government,of “We the People,” in America and around the World, depends on it.

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Setting Standards In Our Life

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

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Accepting Me Accepting You

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

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Will We Ever Stop Abusers?

Until we can make women and men understand and realize that the only way we can stop abuse is for adult people, who are being abused, to empower themselves,abuse will always remain.Unless we accept the reality of it happening in one out of every three homes on every block in every town,city or village, and being protected by our Christian-Judeo Society with the power of the right-wing, Tea Party and special interest groups in their corner, abuse will remain the corner-stone of crime in America.

If you have been reading my posts then you understand that I write about taking responsibility for ourselves and teaching our children to do the same. We women cannot get stronger as long as we all hold the hand of the women who are being abused, since in doing so we continue weakening them as well as ourselves. Instead we need to point out to women who will and do protect abuse and abusers what their responsibilities are and help to empower them against such treatment. Sitting in judgment of them or pointing fingers and finding blame, is no better than offering sympathy and doing nothing.

If they do get the courage to leave then we need to be certain that they are kept safe by making laws that will keep them safe as well as providing the necessary support systems that they will need. We have already made good gains in those areas and now we must convince them through our Churches that love does not hurt. Divorce is acceptable when the protection of our families are at stake. As long as abused and neglected children are growing up to become criminals and being put to death, then we need to empower ourselves into knowing and understanding that we cannot be treated like second class citizens or worse, unless we allow ourselves to be treated that way.

We know that anger-management classes that are court ordered for abusive people,whether men or women fail. We know the laws are set up to let men off sometimes in a matter of months when they kill their children and wives and are found guilty of manslaughter. Women will serve much longer if not the full 20 years, when they kill the abusers. We know that rapist and pedophiles are never cured.

We know that men have been viewed for centuries as being weak if they cannot control their women.We offer very little in the form of help or understanding for men who are victims of abuse.A real man settles his differences with fist in many parts of our Society.

We know 9 million Morman people believe women cannot go to Heaven unless a man takes them there. We know the many other millions into the billions of women have been brain washed into believing it is their duty to serve their man and make them happy regardless of how they are being treated in return. They do tell the men they must respect their women,wink wink.

Is there any wonder that bullies start out on the playgrounds of school and grow up to bully all their lives? We as a Society are clearly condoning if not promoting the superiority of men in a Christian-Judeo environment. When we add ignorance to power we get abuse.

Unless we women empower ourselves to realize that the only way our children will be safe is for women to be safe, then abuse will never stop.As long as we concern ourselves about abortion then we will never concern ourselves about the real problem and that is our own safety and empowerment.

We know that in families where men and sons are being waited on that the sons will grow up and expect it of their wives. We also know that young girls are growing up being taught that the only future they do have is to serve her man and make babies that they cannot afford to educate if they were not already being taught that education is the damnation of all mankind,anyway.

We know there is more abuse in these families than there is in families that teach equality. We know that Church goers are being taught that people who teach equality in a marriage and home are no good liberals spreading lies in order to defeat religion,such as myself. We know that if men hit they do not stop hitting.The few that do leave women living in fear with the words and anger that continues. We know their sons will grow up and do the same. We also know when mothers abuse their daughters grow up to abuse as well. Both men and women are abused.

We know that when men and women are abused so are the children abused. We know far more women are abused by the cowards who are bigger and stronger than they are and the only defense a woman has against the men is a weapon, unless they are granted all of our Blessings and Dispensations to leave the marriage without making them feel guilt. We know the scars left on children watching mom being beaten or killed will travel hurt and harm through at least three, if not more, of the generations of that family.

We know that if we believe that incest is in low numbers and we keep the real numbers protected, then people will be less concern about young women who are abused and less understanding of the need for abortion. We know if we can keep women’s’ emotions upset over abortion then we can get them to vote for the right-wing and tea party candidates who want to change the Constitution to deny equal rights.

We know that poverty and prostitution is the number one cause of abortion and yet there is a movement under way, that does not seem to concern the religious community, to legalize prostitution. The fact that it has served the pleasure of the superior male species only and has not been considered adultery in past history and existed since the days of the bible makes it acceptable,sadly. Even when it is the number one cause of death in young women either through, disease,murder or addiction.

I have only scratched the surface of why abuse happens and if not smiled on, certainly we are and have been blinding ourselves to the truth of it since the beginning of time. The only way we can stop it is by women taking responsibility for their own poor behavior because men never will give up the place of superiority over women unless we women make it clear that we and our children will no longer tolerate being treated that way. We begin today by educating ourselves.

If he is abusive he is abusive. It is not our fault that he is an inhumane jerk but it is our fault if we put up with it. If we date jerks we will marry jerks. If we marry jerks our children will pay the biggest price of all for the poor choices we make. If we sleep with everyone we meet then we will definitely fall for one of them and it only takes one to destroy the rest of our life along with our children. Divorce does cause pain to our children but it causes less pain than watching their mothers being beaten or cleaning up their blood.

Just as we women and the majority of good descent men, who come from functional homes, want to see our children happy our children want to see their moms and dads happy and the only way we can accomplish that is in equality of the genders. Women need to take the choices they make much more serious than what a man looks like and how he dresses and men need to do the same. Character can be disguised for a while but it can’t be hidden forever and for the sakes of ourselves as well as our children we need to make it our top priority.

No self-respecting human being will want to take control over another adult human being who is family, much less call the mother of their children a whore, bitch,slut and worse.Unless we are a policeman, a member of the Court system, or a jailer we guide and offer help to people, we do not control them. We need to take ownership of our own responsibility and teach our children the same by practicing and teaching equal respect for all the God-given abilities that both genders are given. We begin today.

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New Beginnings

The challenge of starting over in life that many of us will be asked to do is always a little bit frightening until we do become settled. Many times it is not just our re-adjustment but that of our children as well. If we bring with our new start, “the same old garbage,” of the past then we can not just plan on it, but we can count on it, that we will be repeating the same mistakes that we made in the past.

If it is a new job and we were laid off in the past because the employees had no protection against layoffs then we will find ourselves in the same position again when the next downturn in the economy hits, if we can climb out of the current one. By eliminating the Unions as is happening, thanks to the efforts of the right-wing and the Tea Party candidates, we can be certain that the future of the employee will remain out of the hands of ourselves. Before the Unions there was no middle class. Just the poor and the wealthy and if they have their way, we will return to that.

Statistically, it is always the educated who have more input into what their next terms of employment will look like. Any education we can gain while unemployed always works in our own favor. If we are already educated then we must accept that the only thing available to any of us is going to sometimes mean a drastic cut in pay but the fact that we are educated gives us a better chance of beginning over than those who lack an education. People who apply themselves once they do get a job are often recognized for working below their potential and will rise accordingly in the Company. No good managerial staff will keep an over qualified person in the position when they can be better utilized else where in the Company.

Other times many of us have our own definition of what we feel we would be a success at and never had the courage or the time to try. Small business loans are clearing up a little since you last tried to appeal for one in some areas, so try again. If we do nothing to change our own circumstances then we can count on it, that nothing will happen. Sometimes new beginnings begin again in an entirely new location or region. We are as limited as our own imagination.

If the new beginning consists of relationships and we fail to look at our own mistakes or errors made, then we simply continue looking for the same kind of person who failed us previously and keep setting ourselves up to being mistreated again. On the other hand if we are the aggressor,adulterer, or just plain lazy then we need serious psychological help as to why it is that we keep defeating our own self in relationships.

The likelihood that we can change or we find change behind a glass of wine or a bottle of beer in a night club,bar or lounge is next to nil. Eyes do not meet across a table with a blaring band in the background and we behold the person that we have been waiting our whole life for. That happens in the mind of a romance novelist on a cloudy day somewhere in Manhattan or the burbs or in an isolated cabin in the woods.

When new beginnings are about new relationships or the fulfillment of a life long dream we need to depend on reality in a way that we have never done so in the past. The problem with on-line dating is anyone can agree with what we are saying and too many times we are trapped into the moment of,”Oh wow! We have so much in common. They like the same things that I like and so on and so forth. It might help if before you told them every thing about yourself that you ask them first who they admire and why,what they believe in and why, and if they depend on themselves or someone else first and any of the other character based questions, so that they do not have an opportunity to parrot your own beliefs or Character.

Meeting people in Church activities does not guarantee us that we are going to find someone who is as dedicated to their religion and the Church as we are as the word has been out for a while now that it is a good place to meet new men or new chicks. Even if the commitment is there too many fail to understand that being a Christian does not guarantee morality. Some times people who do attend are trying to clear a conscience that clearly needs to be cleared and are doing it without success.

We need to trust our own instincts and have a clear understanding of what makes us tick and what our own standards are. If people would get counseling before they dated instead of when they are ready to get a divorce they would be so much wiser. Too many times people will tell themselves that their standards are just too high and end up with real jerks time and time again. There are those who claim a nice guy just is not exciting enough without realizing that many times relationships like wine take time to age. It is when we give the nice guys a chance to develop that we do find the person we have been looking for all our life. We cannot fix anyone other than ourselves. We can only improve on what is already there.

Too many times men look for the most shallow of reasonings for their future mates. They like the personality of the woman who will speak out and stand up for herself, until they marry them and find out sometimes they are also a selfish bitch who is taking him for a ride or who has no wish to ever uphold her end of the bargain, but foolishly they lost touch of their male logic and allowed themselves to be rushed into a marriage. Other times they are looking for a woman who wears a size 3 and is a virgin and has no interests at shopping at the mall, and do not see the humor in that, that the rest of us see. Other times they do want the woman on their arm to be arm candy and look good and do not have a clue just how much that is going to cost them.

Other times and ladies beware, he is looking for an income large enough to support his dream of being a rock star. That interprets into this man is never going to support you. Other times men are looking for a woman he can control and then will complain that they cannot even communicate on any level beyond what her sisters and mother are doing.

When it comes to people, and we want them to care about us, we have to accept if they are obsessing over their own looks they are rarely going to put us second much less first. I do understand we all want people who wear deodorant and is pleasing to our sensibilities but the places most people are looking for them is not the most realistic places to meet, all the times. I do not suggest that we quit looking in those places so much as I do that we beware of what strikes are against us when we do meet there. Common sense should tell all of us if we meet in a location where it is easy for another person to know and parrot our own feelings,religious beliefs, or we are uninhibited due to that last drink, then we need to be that more alert of who we are meeting,before we invite them into our own space.

Sometimes starting over has nothing to do with replacing or meeting new relationships but we feel that we are losing control over our own ability to discipline,maintain, or become all we want to be, and like a ship “we feel a little lost at sea.” We have become Mrs. So and So or the Mom of So and So and we realize that we have or are close to losing our own identity. We need to discover, through a new beginning many times, when it was that we felt we did not matter as much as the rest of the family.

Other times we wake and discover that the life we dreamt about all our lives is not nearly as fulfilling as we thought it would be. We all do well to understand that many times the problem is not with or in the people that we are living with but instead something that we missed out on in ourselves. We can leave and destroy all that is and was sacred to us but ultimately we solve nothing because the problem is in ourselves. We need to get the help to find out what makes us tick.

Just praying does not always bring us answers, although I am a big supporter of prayer, sometimes we need to find that person who does work with us on a professional level and helps us understand ourselves better. Well intentioned friends are always going to give us a way out and too many times that is what we are looking for. A professional will not let us excuse ourselves. If we are fortunate to have a friend who will not let us b.s. ourselves and short of funds then sometimes that will work as well. Men and women alike, often feel that they are doing nothing they ever wanted to do or are locked in a place that they can’t get out and will turn to alcohol and or other women and men because their wives or husbands do not understand them.

Do our family the favor of getting help before we do something so stupid or rash, since way too many men and women do find when we do get help we already had everything we wanted but were too foolish or stupid to know it. Many times we let our own pride or insecurities lead to hearing things that were not said and having hurt feelings as well as all the other issues that go along with living with the same person for so long, really get misconstrued. Do not spend the rest of our lives grieving the loss that we create during a moment of temporary emotions gone astray. Many times our family are more than willing to help out and offer us the breaks we need or listen to us but it is we ,ourselves, who are shutting them out. More times than not, we do find that we had all the support we ever needed but refused to see it. New beginnings are about getting rid of yesterday’s garbage and finding we are not all that bad of a person to spend time with nor are those we did our best to try to drive away.

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When All Trust Is Gone

After spending a great deal of time on describing what guilt does towards destroying relationships,it would be remiss of me to say that too often it holds poor relationships together,as well. Those relationships can consist of couples, friends,family,groups,organizations or political party.

When my husband and I married, I told him that if he ever hit me or had an affair that our marriage would be over. What I really meant, but was not aware of it,since I can forgive almost anything, was if I ever reached the point that I could never trust him again, the relationship would be over.

Many times couples will say, “they no longer love each other,” and use that as the grounds of their divorce. I argue that if once we truly love each other we cannot simply quit loving each other. Instead I reason that most couples or one of them in the marriage, have hurt or betrayed each or the other to the point there is no trust left in the relationship. This is true when long-term friendships end, as well as, when family members leave and never return. Without trust we lose the entire foundation that holds up any relationship.

Love and respect go hand in hand with trust. Why else would we promise to dedicate ourselves for life, to a common cause, and forsake all others if we did not have a great deal of trust in each other and our ability to maintain as well as keep the oath of marriage?

Some people can reach the conclusion that a person or group is untrustworthy after the first time they betray them, and walk away in peace. If you can, more power to you. I can also do that until I am dealing with one of the most important people in my life. I think that is true with most of us. Many times we just keep taking on the poor behavior until we do realize we have spent way too many years hurt by the same person.I make a great deal of allowance for people who would lie to me when they are family, before I draw that conclusion. Too many of us will think that they will start treating us nicer the more we try to do for them. Even when I knew two family members thought they were playing me for a fool with their conspiracy to get out of me, all they could,and they thought I didn’t know a thing, I gave them years of knowing they believed they were out smarting me, until I reached the point, “that the straw broke the camel’s back.”

There are people who can’t fathom that people are willing to do nice things for others without being paid for it or having strings attached. When we do, “random acts of kindness.” those same people come up with words like “big Turkey’,”loser”,”Sucker”,”"Wimp”, and you name it. It is sad that we have such little respect for people who are simply kinder than ourselves. I have often thought the resentment for them makes others who always have a price for everything, simply feel uncomfortable about themselves. The sad thing, is when people do behave in this way, those who receive the kindness many times then do feel as though they are entitled to the same behavior again and again. There are also those who treat family like they are the bank and as long as they are willing to pay them back(sometimes no matter how long it takes) they are entitled to borrow any amount at any time.

As is common with all abusers my antagonists enjoyed their own deceitfulness for almost 40 years (I exclude the other years of my life before they formed their collusion)about how they went behind my back and outsmarted me, before I decided that enough was enough. I need to make certain before I do make that final and last decision that I will never contribute another dime,lend another hand, show up to visit and be insulted one more time, or write another word or letter or make another phone call again, before I can comfortably leave a relationship where I still love the people involved.

Walking away from those who have formed a tight co-dependency or any organization that we have been passionate about for years, is not an easy decision to make but when every ounce of hope or trust is used up, it is time to move on and never look back.

Not all people seek peace of mind and joy but when it became necessary for me to do so in order to look into those trusting eyes of my sweet trusting grandchildren who tell me,”I love and need you Grandma” How could I possibly explain to those sweet boys that Grandma allowed two people to think they were playing me for a fool, while I kept giving of my time,money and love, for so many years, and not feel shame? I knew my efforts to accept, the abusers’ hurt needed to leave in order for my health to give me all the time the Dear Lord would grant me with the grandsons along with my other loved ones,whom I truly admire and respect. Once I made the decision I could almost hear the Angels sing:)

Most people do not get in a lifetime, the number of truly terrific people who I have been fortunate enough to have in my life. I’m sure that played a role in being as tolerate, as I was, with the one-sided relationship,as well. I have always believed, “To those who are given much, much is expected.”

I never spent much time in thinking living with chronic pain due to spinal stenosis on both sides of my spine,before I reached 30 was a hardship. I also did not waste time making decisions based on childhood abuse as a reason to walk away. When the verbal abuse began again in my adult years I did take breaks from it by walking away but never quit loving my mother nor being concern about her. Life has always had too much interests, to me, to let much of anything or anyone get me down for too long.

I got set up even on my wedding day by the twosome and then there was the time I walked into the hospital room in California to be told I was the biggest loser of all only to have it repeated a number of times over the years, later, a trip to Kansas City where I was deliberately shunned by the two of them, pretenses and lies surrounding Mom’s moving in making demands followed by abusive behavior encouraged by my sister, and being excluded from the family reunions that I organized for my brother and again when my daughter got married, and the list continues from there only getting longer the longer I stayed and put up with it. Still I stayed and contributed but the knowledge that I need to give back to those who do love and appreciate me, for being me, and do not have ulterior motives as to how to best use me, has made my decision an easy one, at long last.

I do not write this to encourage or discourage anyone else from knowing when and if the time is ever right to leave a relationship of any kind much less one that you feel is void of hope, but instead to put it out there and let you understand why a person can know and find joy on a daily basis, by making some of the toughest decisions that they will ever have to make. Being honest with ourselves and finding and evaluating our own mistakes are always a more difficult endeavor than doing it in others. I know and understand that for those who have never had to deal with abuse, it does sound ridiculous, to think walking away from it would ever be difficult. That is the point of my writing this entire group on guilt and taking responsibility. I want you to know if nobody else understands you, I do.

43 years after marrying my husband I realize that if he had hit me or had an affair I probably could have forgiven him, but I still would not have stayed, even though when I was young I never dreamt I would ever let anyone ever abuse me again,much less the same person who did when I was a child without letting her know exactly how badly she hurt me.

That would come approximately 30 years later and accelerate their vindictiveness. Since it was so out of character for me and I had a lot of ground to cover, I have no doubt that she must have felt a small amount of the pain I felt all those years. I did not expect acknowledgement of my hurt as no abusers ever will acknowledge they did anything wrong. It is the peace of mind I received in being able to finally face the truth that had went unspoken and denied for years, that matters most to me.

I made some of the family members irate when I did it,but I spoked for them as much as I did for myself. We were all meant to keep what we all had spoken about behind her back, for years,secret, as near as I can tell. In dysfunctional homes,it is rare if ever, that truth or mistakes are confronted or spoken about. It is always better to avoid “the elephant in the room” than it is to acknowledge its presence.

It took maturity on my part and knowing life is seldom as it seems until we live it, before I knew it was the total depletion of trust that would have destroyed our marriage vows. Since that is what it took to end my relationship with my mother, no doubt it would have with my husband as well. I am very fortunate that I got the good guy that I did choose and never had to be tested that way but some things we know in our hearts.

I’m a slow learner folks,when it comes to matters of the heart, but I do encourage all of you to make certain you know yourself well enough to know what it is that will allow you to walk away from or recognize when a hurtful relationship leaves no room for hope, and still feel joy on a daily basis, before you make that decision. Too often we are the losers when we make decisions based on hurt feelings or rash judgements.

No one certainly needs to put in 40 years as I did but I do not regret turning the other cheek either as it did convince me “That, that does not kill us, makes us stronger.” I do regret though that it did take my teen-age daughters to tell me,”Mom if you don’t stop her from mistreating you, we will lose all respect for you.” I would like to think had I had been wiser, I would have stopped it before the verbal abuse started up again. Other times I think sometimes it takes knowing 100% before we find the peace that comes along with giving our best. I take full responsibility at the same time that it was wrong-wrong-wrong for me to let it go on for that long and never would I repeat that mistake again, for the sake of those who truly do love me. Sadly abuse is always a contradiction and for that reason none of us should ever judge the confusion of the victims. All abusers are convincing manipulators and con artists.

I will jump a moment to political party as versus personal problems, since a great deal of todays upset also center around politics. I’m a much faster learner when I see what the right-wing conservatives and the Tea Party are doing towards drying up the United States Treasury in the interests of Wall Street and the Oil Companies. I know leaving party affiliation is as difficult to some as leaving our own family is. There is no possible reason, in my view, that anyone could trust any of them in the Republican Party, nor any of the right-wing who number a few in the Democratic Party. They simply are missing any foundation of trust that would allow equality for all or the middle class to exist in Democracy or to grow and I urge all to think before we vote. We must vote wisely and informed, for the sake of our Children and Grandchildren, “who love and need us.”

We all have our own response zone as to when to stay and when to leave. Those of you who think I was a fool for staying as long as I did, have every right to think as you do. I can promise you that some of my greatest supporters would agree with you:) Guilt held me and an inability to forgive myself because of my belief in the Commandments kept me going back for more.I finally realized the best way to “Honor” their last round of rejection was to honor and love her in silence, as two of my other siblings do. My soul needed to heal from the insanity of it all. I will always be grateful for the effort I made but even more grateful for the new-found freedom that I own.

I hope I covered the entire subject of guilt,responsibility and forgiving ourselves well enough over the last few weeks so it can help you if you are at a cross-road of indecision regardless who the person may be who you are struggling with or what group that relationship might be with.Denial of the stress it creates not only strips all of us of the joy we are entitled to but also can lead to an early grave. Good luck!
(even I am a bit over whelmed by the cliché’s in this post but they are often quoted for a reason:)

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Romanticing Childhood

My husband and I had the good fortune to be able to have our oldest Grandson stay with us for a few days, this last week, while his Dad was in Ohio on Business and his Mom was with his youngest Brother who was going through medical testing. It is my choice while he visits us, right or wrong, to spoil him rotten by letting him set his hours within reason,buying him the one thing that he wants,letting him eat what he wants, and play as much Wii as he likes. After all that is the luxury of being grandparents and he has terrific parents that understand my desire to do so. If he grows up and remembers a childhood at Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house close to idea, it will be based on reality. He is kept safe while we all stress that it is a once a year special time and not a healthy or responsible way to live,on a daily basis. He understands when he leaves here that it is reality time again.

It is not until we are able to acknowledge and accept the truth that our parents made mistakes and we forgive them for those mistakes, by facing our childhood honestly, that we ourselves will find maturity. Because we did not have the stresses and problems of the adult world in our youth those who did not come out of total terror, tend to think that our childhood was less complicated and freer than what kids have today. Every generation initially goes through the idea that we will never be able to live up to what Mom or Dad accomplished.

While we dream of those carefree summer days of playing outdoors we forget the number of young girls and boys who were indeed molested by the neighbor,uncle,camp director or grandpa because Mom and Dad wanted us out of their hair. The laws effecting us as adults today were made as a result of those,” out of sight out of mind,” days where our parents lacked the knowledge or awareness to safeguard their children against predators.

The spankings that many got, because they deserved them according to another time in thinking, were rare occasions in some houses until we remember the times when our sibling or siblings accused us and we were punished for it when we did not do it. We then begin understanding the reason we were punished, unfairly, was because there was no one listening or watching, as kids were not promoted to be able to express themselves. Many were left to figure out their own problems without guidance. Mom was having that afternoon glass, or so, of wine, dad was out working everyone at the office to only come home and take a drag on the whiskey bottle or the Bud can, or their own problems were more important than any problem we ever had. We were told to keep it quiet about Uncle so and so or the family would be mad at them.

Every generation, while we are young and under stress, have a need to somehow impress on ourselves that life was a kinder gentler time at some point than what we are dealing with today. Kids embarrassed parents in grocery stores then as well as they do today. A sane parent did not spank them then either for fear of what they might look like. They may have once they got them out to the car but as a rule kids were told before they were taken into the store what would happen if they misbehaved.Parents who followed through on punishment, promised, did not have kids acting out because they were consistent with their punishment. When kids learned their bad behavior could get them what they wanted, they would behave poorly then as well.

Not all parents did discipline and instead gave in and bought the child what they wanted and that was the purpose of the fit, in the first place. Parents often left kids locked in the car during the hot months of summer and but for the grace of God somehow we survived. We now have laws against doing that because too many kids did die trapped in their car seats. Other parents often made the trips to the store without the child as they waited until Dad got home. Men and women were not sharing the chores then like they do today.Latch key kids were more common because many did not have day care or could afford it if they did.

Not all parents cooked, but you better believe if they did, we were not leaving the table until we did clean our plate even if we had to wash it down with milk or we gagged trying. Only those who were aware of the fact that force feeding leads to obesity in adult years would let the kids leave the table when they were not hungry. There were the bar-b-ques and the meals in the rural areas that were cooked on a daily basis, but most parents did the Deli, McDonalds,Pizza Hut, corn dogs and micro-waveable meals, but instead we tend to remember the holiday meals or the meals cooked when company came, and over look the times that parents were waiting for pay-day to restock necessities.

Oh yes, it is nice to be young and to think that life was better when we were kids and we were less spoiled and more grateful. Denial does a wonderful thing to our memories until we are forced into dealing with the reality as to why we are experiencing health problems,why we always seem to deal with stress with another glass of wine, why the Dr. is prescribing Prozac, and what is it that nags at our minds at night to the point that we need a sleeping pill in order to sleep,etc. etc. Maturity brings with it the healing necessary for all of us to confront our own lives and in doing so we need to take a more honest and realistic look at our childhood.

If it is not our own health problems that force us into it then many times it is the crowds our children are hanging with, because we are as tired of our own screaming as the kids are, or some other life altering experience like adultery or divorce that wakes us up so that in order to save both our own well-being or that of our child’s we must take a good and careful look at why we thought Mom and Dad were perfect and we could never measure up.

There are those who will remain in denial their entire life as they never do grow up. They protect their lies and take denial to the grave. They also never have any real understanding for the truth but base their lives around fantasy, the shopping malls, a drugged stupor, or in a drunken haze. Their relationships fail, as just as, they do not confront and face the truth of their own childhoods they never accept responsibility for their own mistakes either.

In a healthier home parents will acknowledge their mistakes through open conversation without accusation or passing the buck.The topic of conversation many times circle around the accomplishments and successes of the members of the family. The sincerity of the members of the family is real and not clouded by spiteful comments or jealously or envy. Families become concern as to why their sibling or parents become concern as to why their child is showing such health problems. They gather together to determine how they will be able to help out the member who needs their help. The sick and hurting certainly never do need to ask for their families help because family just show up, job or no job.Many times there are explanations as to how things happened the way they did, but they do not deny that it happened, blame the child, nor argue about it with excuses being prevalent.

In a dysfunctional home the hypochondriacs come out of the woodwork concern if they too are not going to be diagnosed with such a terrible disease until they reason that they take better care of themselves.The topic of conversation is ,often times, based around who has had to suffer the most hardships and those that have,win.Rarely, if ever, do they take into consideration what extent their own decisions or choices made in their hardships. Instead they get their high off of playing a victim, since that alone, many times in their minds, gives them a right towards entitlements. They have a thousand reasons why they cannot help out with those reasons all circulating around their own needs. Some will even try to upstage the sick or injured by claiming to have far worse health problems or blame the member who is ill for having done it to themselves.

Occasionally they will send a bouquet of flowers and congratulate themselves, thinking they are helping, when what the ill really need is to have their hand held or a babysitter for the kids. It will be the mature one, often the sick person themselves, that many times acknowledge the truth and are open and honest about it, because they do have the empathy to understand and the compassion to forgive, long before the other family members will get out of denial long enough to acknowledge the truth.

Many times people do through their own ignorance, innocence, or denial make poor decisions that can and do lead to their own illness or injury.There is a fake bravado in youth that tells most of us that the warnings do not apply to us. Bad things only happen to other people. Other times due to a weaken genetic make-up what should not normally lead to injury does in some people and not in others. The great majority of us, if not all of us, would never make those decisions again if we were fully aware of what the repercussions would be. The best that most of us can hope for is that our loved ones not repeat our mistake or make different decisions than we did. A compassionate family will not point out or refuse to visit a loved one, in the hospital, when they are suffering, even when their mistake does lead to their own illness or injury. There may be other justifiable reasons not to visit but when family members stay away because,”they did it to themselves” then there clearly are,many times, more psychological reasons involved, from what most of us are aware of.

I offer to all of us then, the hope on days that seem hopeless, the inspiration on days that we do not feel inspired,the reality that life does work out as long as we claim responsibility and get the help that both we need and the help our loved ones need. It is through the maturity and the strength of wisdom that we all can handle the truth as it does bring with it the appreciation that what ever life hands us, we will some how be able to muddle through it, and be grateful for another day, another tomorrow, and another year.

We all need to know the enjoyment of each day based on truth before we do reach that point that we do understand just how short life really is. After all, if we are lucky, we have so many more adult years than we have childhood years. When we truly do love one another we will choose to treat them the way we would want to be treated, and we will know the life we created is even better than the childhood we fantasized about, ever was. Almost always it means sacrifices on the part of all of us, but we will learn ourselves and teach our children how to take responsibility,be self-sufficient and kind to others. I wish us all a terrific weekend acknowledging each other’s value, always!

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It IS That Simple

If you have had the patience to bear with me these last several weeks, I thank you and I apologize to all of you who do understand already that life is about taking responsibility for our own behavior and worth. Unless we can accept our own errors and mistakes we cannot forgive ourselves. The great majority of us do not set out to defeat ourselves or others for that matter but we all do make mistakes because none of us are or ever will be perfect. In areas where we have dependents, as in minors, then we have an obligation as well as duty to guide them, as well.

We accomplish nothing in the way we feel about ourselves or others when we control other human beings. Adults who have already taken that message to heart and placed it into practice do not need to be told by boy or girl friends, husbands,wives, parents,siblings,neighbors or anyone else how they should behave, unless they ask for our advice.When adults assume their own responsibility and are not intruding on our own lives or shirking their responsibility, they do not need our constructive criticism, as what has worked for us, often fails others. We humans are made up of diversity and individualism and when we fail to act on that we fail ourselves. Where mutual respect is held, couples will discuss their differences instead of controlling their mates

Those of us who run-away-from or shirk our own duties and responsibilities, more times than not, need guidance that was failed us while growing up. Denial is the greatest offender followed by passing blame and excuses that any adult can and does fall back on. When we find that we have fallen into this pattern as adults, we do not go back to the people who failed us, to guide us, but instead we should seek out those who have been trained professionally to help us understand where we are failing.

As the old adage goes: “Any advice worth getting is worth paying for.” It is important, that we as parents, ask for and get that advice before we or our children come to the attention of law enforcement. If and when that fails then trust your own conscience and common sense or a good friend who has both if you are short on them or too closely related to the problem. If money is in short supply, there is always help offered through Human Services in our County and other State institutions. The Baker Law, allows all police officers to take anyone suffering from mental illness, regardless of age or income, to a hospital to get the kind of health care they need.

As a Society, it is our job to understand and know the difference between who does need our help and who does not. That decision will never be based on how much someone owns, weighs,what they wear,if their interests are different from our own, where they worship,what race they are, their gender affiliation,where they live, or how much they have in their wallet or purse. We need to be protective of both ourselves as well as our own communities through both common sense, as well as,looking for and finding fact. It is rare to find truth from gossip,jealously,those who hold a grudge or seek revenge or chronic liars. It is that simple!

We all should strive for living the best life we can live, by taking ownership of our own behavior,responsibility,judgments, and truths. We parents do need to take responsibility for those entrusted into our care, who are under 18. Our job as parents does not end until they are mature enough to leave home. We can not tell them,” to do as we say and not as we do,” since all children watch before they listen.

The example we set them in our speech,behavior and action or lack of it, will always be the strongest teacher for their lifetime.A simple example of what I am talking about is:Ambition does not come from watching people who have little to none, complain about working too hard. Laziness shows its own lack of purpose. It does us all well to understand that all teenagers still need guidance and we are the parents.

When we get that part of their life right, many will ask for our help later. Other times, too many parents fail to realize that it is when we do raise them to be independent,self-sufficient, and responsible for their own needs they will not need to ask for our advice. It does us all well to remember this, so our own feelings do not get bruised, when they do fail to ask for our help. Too many times families find themselves upset over what should be taken as a compliment to our own parenting skills. We need to know the difference between giving aid because we wish to, as versus our own need to manipulate or to control their lives. It is always easier knowing we did not rear adult children, who place demands on us or try to guilt us into feeling needed, so that we assume their responsibility.

We also need to be honest with ourselves when the care of our child requires more than what we can give them and seek help from those trained to help. We neither do ourselves a favor nor them a favor when we both end up dependent on welfare and bitter. Adults and children alike learn through their own failures and successes in life. We can only learn through the earlier character building years of their life, to what extent they do require help by being honest with both them and ourselves, as to how well we did prepare them to succeed. We should not have to pass laws to make parents, parent.

We all have the duty as well as the right to make life count as nothing will ever be that important in our or their lives,again. We need to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes and accept the reasoning behind why we did what we did in order for us to be able to forgive ourselves.Joy of life comes from being able to look our, own selves, in a mirror knowing we did give life and mankind our best and in being the one person we would most want to spend our time with. Everyone else who loves us for being who we are, the way we are, is just more frosting on the cake. When we have the peace and comfort of mind, knowing we have both learned the importance of good behavior, as well as, taught it to others,through our own actions, then we will all find our own joy and peace of mind. It is that simple!

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Releasing Ourselves From Guilt

In my last post entitled,”Guilt–A Heavy Burden To Carry,”I spoke about human frailties and “beating ourselves up over our behavior”. In explanation of what I meant, I offer this example: If we place a dog in a cage and keep poking it with a stick, when he does get free and bites us, isn’t it our behavior that leads to the attack? In many cases we are and will be provoked into reacting or acting in a way that we are not always proud of, and to carry guilt for years under these circumstances, that ultimately leads to the lessening of our own joy, as well as, those who depend on us or love us in life, is ludicrous.

We can go another step farther in this understanding: Once we do become an adult(age 17 to 18 if we leave home and 21 if we remain at home, in most States) and we allow another adult to control,intimidate, or manipulate our thoughts,conversation, and behavior, we are equally at fault. We are no less culpable, under these circumstances, than if we were poking them with a stick, as well. I exclude the criminal element in this post and any statement throughout. I have advocated for tougher laws against rape without time expiration, so children can face their abusers as adults, for years. We are All victims of crime regardless of age. We have no blame nor should we blame ourselves when it comes to crime and being victimized.

Equality of all adult human beings and human rights are entitlements of all Americans and equality of the races and genders, is not in the hands of any of us to control or to contain,other than ourselves when it pertains to our own lives and adult relationships unless we are victimized by crime. When the behavior becomes abusive it is illegal behavior (as it is with all children below 17 to 18). All ministers,Rabiies,Priest,Social Services personnel,medical personnel,firemen,schools, government employees, and policemen have a legal duty to report abuse of all ages. As an adult American, no person can abuse us,without our permission and without facing criminal charges. All children under 17 to 18 are automatically victims of abuse because they do not have the ability to give or with hold consent.

Just as too many people burden themselves with guilt, an equally large of a number, will excuse themselves from taking responsibility for their own failure to behave, appropriately, and too often it does lead to our own or others’ suffering. People who have thoughts of hate,revenge, or any negative emotions are not listening to their conscience but instead have chosen to shut out their conscience in favor of finding or passing blame and excuses. Why is it so much easier for many of us to find fault and try to correct it in others than it is to find it in ourselves? Too many people will take advantage of another’s’ vulnerability as well as blame their mate for driving them into the arms of another. Owning our own behavior is a necessary part of maturity in order to find the joy that we all seek.

Not all guilt requires professional help and many will find, “confession of the soul” and making amends to the injured party, brings with it the same release. Too many will try to buy someone or themselves something in order to make amends instead of making a conscious effort to accept responsibility for their own behavior.All the shopping trips and owning every pair of shoes in the Shoe store will not make guilt go away. Instead debt only adds to guilt. When we try to buy away or purchase guilt, we seldom ever learn from our mistakes.We do need to confront our own behavior, without looking for or finding excuses or blame in others, to replace our own guilt or responsibility. In the words of Harry S Truman, “the buck stops here.”

It is said that people in prison need to live on two emotions only, in an effort to survive the most dangerous of prison life, and those are fear and rage. When we lock ourselves up in our own prisons, then only we can set ourself free from the negative emotions that often follow our lack of taking responsibility. It is never “macho” or “cool” to be so afraid that we refuse to acknowledge our own weaknesses and refuse to get help when we are both following a destructive pattern in life as well as destroying our own joy, as well as, others’ right to live free from negative emotions.

Nothing is better in any of our lives than a clear conscience which makes it possible for us to rise each and every morning filled with Joy of another day. No one has the right or entitlement to give that or to take that away from us, but ourselves. Why people do, is between them and their “Maker.”

It is possible to live a guilt free life by simply resolving to never choose wrong over right and refusing to listen to anyone who tells us, our Elders, Ministers,Priests and Rabbi included,that it is sometimes right to lie,to protect our abusers, or choose to do that which our conscience tells us is wrong. Nor would any of them who are dedicated to helping us reach our Salvation, ask us to go against our own conscience. Certainly in Churches that use Prophesy or otherwise, God is never going to tell you or your minister that HE wants you to sleep with your minister. Sadly there has been cases reported going on over a hundred years, where this has happened, and how many have gone unreported?

No Churches’ reputation takes priority over we, ourselves, and especially our children being abused. It is the duty of the Church to eliminate the wrong doers and help us heal. If you are being told or have been told that it is your duty to protect the Church over your own or your child’s abuse, then report them before they hurt another, Our responsibility and duty is to protect ourselves and our children’ long term welfare. Churches are not shielded from the corrupt amongst us any different from other bodies ran by man and they can only become stronger and improve from within through the honesty of the people who attend and lead those particular Churches.

Personal Sacrifices are required in order for us to heal but none will ever include adultery,abuse or crime of any kind,instead we need to find change in ourselves, and it starts now, not tomorrow. There is a reason that we all have a conscience and that reason is, we need to listen to it. Not all people’s conscience run as deep as ours’, and for that reason alone we should not rely on the conscience of another over our own, nor do others find fault in doing wrong, but this does not excuse us from doing so, when applying it to our own responsibility and conscience.

I was watching the news last night and they were talking about removing the cameras at the red lights in L.A. that were catching people who ran the lights. They reported that people were not paying the fines so it was costing too much to justify using the cameras. The woman they were interviewing said,”If I knew people were not paying their fines, then I would not have paid mind either.” We do not release ourselves from guilt by telling ourselves, “everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t I?”

There is no better reward in life than what a clear conscience brings to us and our loved ones. Many times we will miss a step in life and need to start over because we are human beings prone to error, sometimes we need to let go of that which is the hardest to let go of, confronting ourselves head on in truth instead of excuses is not an easy challenge to take on, but all our efforts will be immensely rewarded once we do understand the difference between a guilty person as versus a happy person.

To deny ourselves or our loved ones the joy of appreciation, gratitude and equality while refusing them hope that we will at long last give up on our own guilt and bitterness, that has spread like a poison in their lives as well as our own, is our responsibility, when that is what we are doing as the adult in their lives and our own.

Feeding ourselves and loved ones guilt and all the lies that accompany it, for breakfast, instead of the joy of each new day, is too many times the biggest lie we will ever tell them or ourselves. Life is too grand and too short to continue even remotely close to this path if we are on it, not to mention playing “God” or “judge and jury” in the lives of others capable of making their own choices for their own circumstances.

It is time to change our paths with a whole new attitude of justice for both our loved ones and ourselves. The more eager we are to begin the sooner we will finish, but remember it is not an easy path that we are choosing, in the beginning. Often times people will cast stones,and sometimes leave in flocks, while we struggle with ourselves, to do the right thing. Many of the people would rather we be just like them over trying to improve ourselves. I repeat: It is not an easy path to take or to stay on.

The tendency in all of us to not find fault or criticize those who our own experience has told us, do not have a good word to say about anyone, is probably one of the hardest things to give up:)When we do realize that we are not so perfect either, it becomes easier each day. The great majority of people who do want to criticize someone do not appreciate hearing something good about the person they are picking apart. I’ve been yelled at and told,”Who appointed you everyone’s defense attorney.”chuckle Perhaps that is why I do like politics, as politicians are fair game to criticize as are the sanctimonious and pompous, who would over-rate their own significance.

The harder we work at taking responsibility for our own behavior, the greater the rewards.None of us can worm ourself out of guilt that our subconscious knows we created without our own forgiveness, no matter how hard we try to blame or make excuses because,”it is what it is.” To repeat Tony the tiger,”life is GRrrr-EAT!”when we make the choice to let go of guilt through positive effort of our own and through asking for all the help that we need. It is our own conscience and our own behavior that needs all of our attention and help. It is one of the best habits that we will ever form. We will not achieve our own success of peace of mind and Joy on a daily basis by making judgements or finding faults in the conscience of others.

We need to first be comfortable with ourselves in order to recognize the value of others, as well as, ourselves. It is when we recognize our own struggles and value we learn to appreciate the diversity, tenacity, and the “Never Say Die” of the American Spirit and how important we all are to its as well as our own survival. For the most part, most of us are not so bad to have around:)

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Republican Hypocrisy Continues

For those of you who are not aware of it, as the Republicans yammer over not raising the debt ceiling while accusing Barack OBama of putting America in debt, they are criticizing Ben Nelson of Nebraska for voting 6 times to raise the debt ceiling, while they campaign against him, even though it was done during the Bush Administration.

As I have said, many times, not all people should be elected or re-elected strictly on the party preferences of past family members. Right wing politics along with so called Patriot groups have ruined members in both parties with their heavy handedness.

Ben Nelson voted with the Bush Republicans, and bragged in the State about it while doing so, on a straight Republican ticket and always against the Democrat Party even though he is a registered Democrat. The Republicans themselves voted to raise the debt limits 6 times.

They were all the best of political buddies as Democracy continued losing. Ben Nelson also shows a voting record that supports the Catholic Church’ views, despite separation of Church and State being the Constitution law of the Land. All United States Senators and Congressmen and women take oaths to uphold the Constitutional Laws of the land seperate from their own personal religious views. The Constitution clearly states that NO religion shall interfere in the distribution of law or order or of government duty in America.

He voted against healthcare reform of his own party. He could not get enough of the photo opps and exposure showing himself voting along with George Bush while he was in office. Ben Nelson with his arm around George Bush and bragging about voting with him in the State of Nebraska became the focus of all of his re-election campaigns.

He also lives in a State that has only voted for a Democrat for President once in it’s entire history. To now accuse Ben Nelson of Nebraska for voting for those 6 ceiling lifts, which the Republicans themselves did as well, in order for the Republican candidate to take the seat in 2012, is like calling a chicken a duck. When it works for the Republicans it clucks but when it works against the Republicans it quacks.

That is why going into any election it is always important to check out the candidates as well as understand how the Parties vote. There are a few right-wing Democrats but the great majority of them are in the Republican Party.

I just think it is just another perfect example of the Republicans using their own behavior and action in order to keep any and all Democrats out of winning elections, that makes “The Grand Old Party” the mess it is in today. They continuously play the American voters for fools with their own hypocritical intentions, and the sad thing is so many voters, let them.

Tell the Republicans and Tea Party candidates, it is time that they work for us in 2012 by electing Democrats who do know and understand compromise, as well as, the will of the people. Unless we all forget, it was the American Voter who did say healthcare reform was our largest concern in 2008.

Almost all reform does begin with baby steps and even though it wasn’t what we hoped for it was a huge step to take with the Republican Party in 100% agreement against any healthcare that did not benefit the Insurance Companies and 30 some Democrats fighting it all the way. Any effort gained is much larger of an effort than what any Republican majority have taken in the past or will in the future, that will aid “We the People’ over Corporate. Re-elect Barack OBama in 2012.

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