It Is Not About Us

As Congress looks for and finds blame with their insistence that the deficit be balanced on the backs of the middle class,the students,the elderly,and the poor while refusing to look at the role they play by the continuation of the same, there is plenty going on in our lives that is about us.  While Corporations refuse to hire here but instead send jobs overseas to increase the wealth of its board members, it is about us. When we are not educated to meet the demands of the ever-changing market place it is about us. When weather causes havoc and turmoil in our lives, it is about us.  When we lose loved ones and are left to grieve our lost, it is about us. When others who can afford to do so, refuse to carry healthcare and we get stuck with their healthcare costs with increased premiums because Congress wants to eliminate Obama care, it is about us. With so much in our lives that affects us it is sometimes difficult to understand a lot of other things in our lives is not about us,as well.

Many times things happen around us and unless we understand that “it is not about us”, but rather our response to it, that causes us to get involved and often times it leads to our own pain, we will waste way to much precious time in our lives that will keep us from enjoying life. When a couple divorces to often,if we allow them to drag us into their lives by taking sides, we will end up feeling like we are the loser as well.  If it is a special friend and we take sides while the couple separates, it will to often cost us what we feel is a close friend, if the couple decides to reunite.  Even if we do not take sides but try to help the couple to understand each other, many times they will regret what they confided in us and feel uncomfortable around us because they told us to much about themselves, and too often we lose both friendships, even when they divorce.

The above situation had nothing to do with us but it is when we get involved in other people’s problems that it can become about us unless we realize it is they who have lost a valuable friend in us, and we cannot call ourselves a friend unless we do try to help, that we realize it is not about us but instead all about them.

I had an incidence in my life that took place when I won at the Casino and the person I was treating said,”God let me win because He knew I would be more generous and share than she would have been if she won.”  First of all, I do not believe that God had anything to do with my winning nor does He have anything to do with money.  I think people use the idea that God is in control of every facet of our lives to the point that if we even sneeze that God caused us to, instead of the fact that it was an allergy or cold that caused us to sneeze. I choose to believe that God is with those who suffer and give of themselves instead, since He gave us all free will and helps those who helps themselves. If God was responsible for everything in a person’s life then He would have no time left for those who call on Him in time of need.  My winning was not necessary for me to live,eat,breath, or find joy in my life,nor did my gambling cause us any hardship.I was thrilled when the machine hit, just as all of us are when we win.

I won because I went to the casino, without the other person even being in the same State much less the same Casino, I took the risk that gambling involves, and I chose the right machine at the same time it was ready to pay off.  Any person in the Casino could have put the same dollar amount in as I did and won the same jackpot. Our generous spirit may be a gift from God, as He does reward the generous in spirit ten fold, but my winning at the Casino had nothing to do with God nor the person who said I won instead of her.  We to often in our lives look at other people’s success or failure and think that either has anything to do with us.

We may all make mistakes as parents but once our children become adults they also take on the responsibility for their own behavior and if they allow others to mistreat them or they mistreat themselves,we can not help them if they refuse our help. If they become a success,then they deserve the credit over us because, “It is not about us.”  We can be concerned about them or proud of them but ultimately as adults they do decide what road they travel, with or without our approval.

As their parents,we only have control over our own response to our adult children’s actions and can only offer support when they ask us for the same. To force our beliefs on them robs them of the ability to form their own ideas or beliefs or to accept the mixing of their belief system with that of their spouses. Our adult children, and especially once they marry, need to make their own decisions even when we do not approve of it and they refuse to listen to what we often think is sound reasoning. “Sink or swim” our adult children’s behavior,  is no longer about us beyond our own reactions to it.

The sadder part of life is when our own children, who are not adults, emulate that character flaw in us that thinks everything is all about us, by thinking it is their fault when bullies bully them.  Bullies are made at home by over demanding parents in some cases or by neglectful parents in other cases.  If a child feels defenseless against the parent who thinks they are disciplining but instead the parent makes the child feel like they are  being bullied by the parent or a child cannot find reprieve from their own hurt feelings, many times they will bully others who they feel cannot or will not fight back.  When parents tell their children to hit back they help create another bully on the playground.  When teachers punish both children because they fear the parent of the bully or have not seen who is being bullied then to often it can lead to tragedy.

If we could as a Society tell our children that the anger that is unleashed by the bully is “not about them”,but instead about the home the child who bullies comes out of, then we could begin sitting down and discussing our differences with the bully. When Schools refuse to play a role in the discussion when the bullying takes place on their property, they fail the child who is being bullied by expelling them from school for the equal amount of time they expel the bully. When negative behavior is enforced by negative responses we teach our children that the adults in their lives cannot be trusted to do the right thing.

I had a case,myself, where I thought it might be possible to have an adult conversation with the parent of the bully, but instead the parent went into name calling and telling me it was not her problem when the child I was speaking about did not haul off and hit her daughter back.  It was not about us, but the children that needed to be heard, and it was lost on the mother of the bully.  Teachers run into this same attitude of these same parents, when they do show up but many times it is the concerned parents who show up instead.

We parents first, need to understand that there are people who are going to try to control the circumstances in their own lives by controlling those around them and it has nothing to do with us, unless we demand zero tolerance of bullies in our own homes,schools, or environment and do something about it instead of obsessing over it.  When we make everything about us, and then do nothing but complain we teach our children the same. When worry or inaction is viewed from the seat of children, they learn to tolerate what we have tolerated for to many generations,as being normal behavior. If schools,businesses, or we do not punish small children who bully,or permanently expel people who play on our fear or lack of action, then we all tolerate the bullies and it does become about us. Our children learn nothing through fists or violence but to be violent in return.

Just as there are kind-hearted people, there are mean-spirited people as well. Both types of people will co-mingle in almost any kind of group.  It has been my experience that a majority of men will just consider the source of an insult when issued by a woman, but some will fight it out when it comes from a man.  Not many people look at a fist fight as much of anything other than plain stupidity, so why do we tell our children to do the same?  If we ourselves cannot treat the person as having their own problems and know they treat everyone else the same way, then how can we tell our own children that, “It is not about us, if we do nothing to protect them when we do have supervision over them?”

I ask everyone this Holiday Season to consider what I am saying.  Store policy is not about us but about others who do shop lift or steal.  We may pay for their theft but if we feel that the questions being asked are about us, instead of policy, too often tempers will flare and our children are watching our own performance.  The same is true when someone is rude enough to cut in line; for us to allow someone else to spoil the experience of the Holiday shopping, when,” it is not about us” because we lose sight of the fact,that angry words will never make it right, but instead is a negative response from us who only adds to the chaos, then we understand what our own response does to inflame the problem.  Two wrongs never does make a right.  As Bill Clinton said,”it’s about the math.”

We need to spend more time thinking and communicating civilly if we are going to succeed as a Nation,as parents, or as the person we most want to spend time with during the Holiday Season.  If we ourselves are filled with anger that is spreading all around us,if we are rude to others, if we have a need to control, if we take a bad day out on others around us, if we are mean-spirited, then it is about us.

If we are none of those things, “Then It Is Not About Us.” When we understand the reality of another person’s bad behavior “is not about us”, we refuse to let their bad dispositions destroy our own joy.  If we insist on the opposite, then we are making our feelings dependent on their negative feelings which they are responsible for, and  as adults who said or did nothing to harm them, we are not responsible for their lack of respect.  Everyone will have a bad day but everyone is not entitled to ruin our day unless we give them permission to do so.

Have a good day everyone and enjoy the responses in yourself that you create ,that ARE about you, and let the other things that you allow to destroy your day go. The majority of harm that is done to us as individuals are many times as a result of our own reactions to life and is often created by our reactions to a disagreeable human being, who has their own issues to deal with, without our taking their negativity to heart. Enjoy the Holidays and celebrate!

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The Price We Pay

Too often I have heard throughout my lifetime, “It is not fair,” or “someone should do something about it,”or similar statements. We all know people who face the most tragic life’s lessons and still keep moving on without ever giving up, but too many of us refuse to accept or acknowledge the fact that there are others who suffer much worse hardships from our own.

There are those who believe,” that they need to do nothing to help others because they already get enough help” or “such and such is lucky” or “never had a problem in their lives.”  It has also been my experience that people who believe this are the first to react the most poorly when they chip a nail or break a heel off of their shoe or their car gets scratched or their tie begins to unravel.

The people who really learn the importance that we place on things is pretty shallow,are those who will be humbled in some way by life and learn from the experience when they do. It isn’t always fair and the suffering is often very real, but it is how we accept or deal with the tragedies of life, that is the real test of mankind.  We can always rebuild things and many times re-heal bodies but if we give up or curse others,the price we pay can and will lead to defeat. Even when we exhaust all possibilities there does come the day that we must accept our own limitations and embrace the factors that make us the person we are, the person we accept. Often times in life we are presented with  re-inventing a new way to live life to its best abilities without making comparisons in life.

I certainly am not suggesting that we do not grieve an important lost of a  home,job,or even health.  What I am saying is that the longer we dwell on the injustice of the same, the longer we ultimately pay a price much larger than what we ever should have had to pay.  When we look at others and say, “they are lucky,” too many times we are being unrealistic about the sacrifices they made in order to achieve their success or giving ourselves an excuse for the fact that we would rather quit, drink beer, or shop than make the sacrifices needed. When we recognize that no one escapes life without a few bruises and some heart ache we realize that the difference is in how they handle or recover from the lost, is what sometimes separates them from us.

The reality is, people who are willing to get back up and dust themselves off following failure or mistakes,which we all will face at some point or time in our lives, will succeed with each time they vow to come back better than ever.  It has to be there in action and without resentment or fear overcoming our determination to move on or to begin again. As long as we have people in our lives we all will either experience the just or unjust.

Anyone of us can be grateful when things are going our way, the difficult part is learning gratitude when we feel that our life is not, by seeking out what is good in our lives.  No one will ever experience a life where they do not have something or someone good in it, unless they flee from it or reject the idea or the person who does support them. Other times it is our own gift of determination and awareness that refuses to give up, that makes us get up and move on. It is when we waste time blaming others that we weaken our own chances to start over again. When we understand the lesson taught us we will reach gratitude in the process, even though our loss may seem insurmountable in the beginning.  Starting over can be the best thing we ever do, if we learn from our past. If we refuse to accept our own role in it, then too often we will fail. It is the price we pay that often becomes our best teacher in life and teaches us gratitude for the lessons learned.

Life often gets down to how we deal with the insignificant that too often gets blown out of proportion. Sometimes we do find people are in the right place at the right time but too often we refuse to accept that it is not a place that we would ever have traveled to or a job we would have wanted or were qualified for taking. People who base everything on the almighty dollar often fail to understand or appreciate the joy found around the table of a family who has food on the table or a person who is content with just having the people in their lives that they do.

Life for most of us is as rewarding as the lessons it teaches us and the price we pay for it. It is when we learn not to repeat the mistakes but to be grateful for the lessons learned that we become comfortable with what we accept as our own success. When we hear people complain that they just never got the breaks another person did, too many times it was under their own feet but they refused to take the next step or  make the right move that would have given them more.

People do determine their own goals early in life.  It does appear that some people make one mistake and pay for it all of their lives while others mess up all the time and end up a success.  We fail to see that each time the person messes up they often learn what will or wont work towards their own goals.  What made the difference is that they were not afraid to start all over again. We all have different ideas of what exactly success is;for some it is wealth but for many others it is being comfortable in their own body by giving more of themselves than what they took  in life.  A proud Father or Mother can find joy in the Children that become adults and in the way they repeat the lessons taught them.  Many will find a warm roof over their head a welcoming step that predicts the success of their lives.  As people we are not all looking for the same ideas or have the same beliefs, but whatever steps we take we have to be willing to learn from them.

What is happening with all the excuses and the blame being passed around in the Conservative movement as well as the Republican Party,following the election, is the same thing that makes them fail to understand their own mistakes.  Unless and until they accept the responsibility for their own failure to hear the majority of voters, they are bound to repeat their mistakes again and again. We can all take a lesson from their failure to take responsibility for accepting their own mistakes and their own out of touch sensibilities to the needs of the people.

My husband and I together began our lives in poverty with him being a student and my working towards paying his tuition right along with his working a part-time job.  What we had together, was an education and it is what opened the door that began our future towards retiring well.  We have been poor and we know how it feels to go without eating because there was no money nor anyone who we would accept help from, if it had been offered.  We had a great deal of pride and determination to achieve over what we had money in our pockets.

We have been lower middle class and upper middle class and will retire comfortably. It didn’t just happen without our going without along the way.  Even today I just buy enough clothes and shoes to cover me.  The biggest waste of money a couple will ever make is on clothing, despite this idea,” that we must dress for success.”  A few good pieces of clothing intermixed with other pieces is all that is really necessary, to “dress for success.” If we do make it to CEO or are CFO of  a large firm, where this makes a difference, the wardrobe will be compensatory in the wages, as well.

As my husband retires and we plan the next journey of our life I know personally that the places that we have lived and the things we have done will take their right of passage just as they indicate the sacrifices we were willing to make. The employers we had that rewarded hard work, parents who taught us how to live morally,and the schools we came from,all figure into the success that we worked for as well as the children we raised into adulthood, who will contribute to the success of their own lives.

We could never have accomplished what we did on our own, as it took finding an appreciative and grateful employer who was willing to reward our hard work.  It took me a lifetime of living with chronic physical pain, while accepting my own limitations but helping others with the problems in life they faced, and the two of us never giving up on our dream. It is about accepting the price we pay in life and not letting it get us down nor spending a moments notice on what someone else had.  As we drive away to explore the next journey in our lives and to once more view the great beauty of America and her people,I pray that we accept what lies around the corner just as we always have. Too many times we let bitterness replace the gratitude for the lessons we should have learned, for the price we paid in living. Be grateful everyone and have a great day!

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What Causes People to Hate?

Hate comes from an inner turmoil within the thoughts of an individual and can commonly rise to the level of anger that explodes out of control in individuals or groups. What may begin as a neighborhood dispute between two people can end up becoming a neighborhood dispute involving the entire block if people begin taking sides. The same thing often happens in families with everyone being forced into taking sides, when any issues should remain between the two individuals to work out together.

We often find the similar thing happening in divorce cases where each of the members try to convince their friends, and sometimes their children who were the victims in a marriage, while an over-whelming amount of the time the divorce couples themselves divide the loyalty of their friends or their children’s affections. Too often because the real abusers in the relationship are often charismatic by nature, people will side with the abuser over the victims; Even when marriages remain intact children will often side with the abuser since they are so starved for affection from the parent who abuses they can be manipulated by the abuser who often with holds affection or pays them off with praises or money. Hate can arise from extreme dislike of ourselves and others.  Hate arises from:oppression,fear, envy,greed,ignorance,jealously or any number of negative feelings that arises from an individual person and can spread from that individual through a group.

In organizations,gangs,or groups that demand membership surrenders its own ability to think for themselves to the leaders of these groups, hate can spread through intimidation,brain washing techniques or come from a person who longs to be accepted.  Because these groups often seek out  individuals who feel that they have been disrespected by others all their lives, to join their group or gangs hate spreads through ignorance. When the majority of membership when left on their own really would have nothing against the groups they are trained to hate, they are taken advantage by the leadership that works them into a frenzy of hate.  What often comes out of these groups is the by-product of hate against people that they have absolutely no rational reason to dislike,much less hate.

Rarely if ever is hate based on rational feeling. Greed is involved in gang wars that kill over drug territory for instance.  People get killed without even having so much as discussed their differences with the ones they kill. Many times people who have no knowledge of the beliefs of the Hindu or Muslim Religions will hate entire groups who practice their religious belief.  We find irrational hate against both Religions because a radical, Osama Bin Laden,outside of the beliefs of Muslim Faith, attacked us on 9/11.  The Hindu Religious group in Milwaukee was attacked out of the same ignorance of what appears to be a deranged individual.  Many times people are harassed or attacked for nothing more than skin color while it is supported by law in States like Arizona.

We can hate the spread of hate and we can insist our leaders stop hate but unless mankind educates themselves to understand their own irrational fears or learns to  control  negative feelings, hate can spread like a wildfire and has been a part of history since the beginning  of human existence.

The Middle East has been at war between Religious sects that vary in their beliefs and who view the other as their enemy since 76 AD. Children are taught at a very young age there, just as they are here, who they should hate. Hate is not just a product of America but it spreads around the World with apartheid in Africa and Dictatorship in Cuba.  A mistrust always lays as the basis of hate.

When we have groups like the NRA,The White Supremacy,The Skin heads, 330 Militia Groups Of the Tea Party, gaining support in the Republican Party due to the growth of the Tea Party within its membership, then we see acceptance of hate when it should not be tolerated by government. Some believe there is a  total of 1000  hate groups currently in America.  They range from the radical of animal rights to the anarchists that often are sent to protests in our Streets from across the Canadian border. In these groups we  find the leaders working the members into a feeding frenzy of hate while telling those who already feel disenfranchised from America’s Social fabric, that they are being victimized.  When  hate is spoken about and bandied about combined with drinking cases of beer,hate often begins in one individual and spreads through an entire group of people.

Other times hate is spread against the gay community in Churches with preaching of the Bible verses against the gay population. A huge sector of the internet and social media will spread lies against the innocent or tell half-truths to try to turn people to their cause through hate. Members of hate groups will send out their hate propaganda to friends through email.  Many times gossips will do the same in offices or small communities or neighborhoods. The Conservative Republican legislature refuses to even recognize the gay community as existing, as they claim they have not been recognized by law. In many cases the Bible that was intended to be a guide to lead mankind out of hate and a guide to lead us instead into acceptance of each other, gets misused by Churches and is used instead to stir up hate against groups that they profess to be marked for, “Hell and Damnation.”

The only way any of us can stop the spread of hate is through education and acceptance of all of us.  When we have the very groups who should be helping to educate people against hate responsible for helping spread hate, then it often takes the citizenry to educate those who hate one at a time.  Even when we do we still will find that students who feel like outcasts,those who feel they are superior even though they are often times filled with fear of inadequacy themselves, and workers who get laid off will still be a threat to Society because of the irrational thinking that explodes in the individual who seeks out revenge through hate.

As a Nation we need to recognize the compassion that we have and to do a better job of dealing with the treatment of the mentally ill. Too many even in the medical profession, refuse to promote real and comprehensive reform in healthcare for those who suffer from mental illness because too many times their hands are tied due to Insurance Companies refusal to carry mental patients long-term.  Churches need to take another look at the way they handle the gay issue and abortion and be ever cognizant of those in their own midst that will use either as an excuse to be a hero in the eyes of the Church, by gong on a killing rampage.

As a Nation we need to enforce hate crimes while not enforcing them to the point that they infringe on our rights to freedom of Speech, and that is such a delicate line to cross, that often times law enforcement is damn if they do and damn if they don’t. We need to better educate people in the different religious beliefs and the history of the races without parents yelling Fowl.  We need to teach respect for all people and religions in America but too often when civil rights leaders attempt to do this they are ridiculed and derided for infringing on the rights of white  Americans.  We need to start educating and not stop even while the far right continues to fight against education.

With the younger generations coming up and making friends with people of different beliefs and skin colors we always look for hope in them teaching acceptance and educating the adults to become more tolerate but too many times schools produce the worse kind of hate because the parents accuse the teachers for promoting unity amongst their students, when the parents do not want their children co-mingling due to their own hate issues. Other times parents themselves are so desperate to have their children accepted and popular that they deliberately encourage feelings of superiority in their children when the children themselves feel an inferiority. Some children, who form cliques and are held together by hate, will spread it through phone calls or the internet when they are intimidated by the group to do so if they wish to remain a part of the group.

Due to the mixed emotions  we parents too many times instill in our own children,  groups often form in schools that learn to either co-exists or it leads to disenfranchising a whole group of children because they are not a part of the “cool group” or “one of us.” To often parents create the hate that surfaces in their own children.  This mentality exists in the parents just as bullies are a product of home environment and are a by-product of hate.

The long and short of hate is that it is very complicated and comes from all directions. Even if we could make laws to counter act hate we would have protests from another group that their rights were being infringed on.  The best solution of all is when”We The People” hear words of hate from our children or their friends we take the time to educate our children and support both our Schools and Church leaders in doing the same.  We need to be the leaders against intolerance in our own homes,neighborhoods, schools, and Churches without passing the buck onto another day or another time.  If it is going on in our schools and Churches ,then we the membership, must stand up against it by demanding that the spread of hate stops and is replaced instead by understanding our differences and acceptance of all Americans as equals.

It often only takes one of us speaking out to turn hate into acceptance in our own neighborhoods, one block at a time. We need to get started making a difference now.  Our Republican Congressmen and  Senators need to quit making excuses and start making comprehensive laws of acceptance of Native Americans, the gay population, and Hispanics that grant them rights. The Republican Senate who has filibustered it, can now rethink their previous objections, by passing the Violence Against Women Act that includes Native Americans, the gay populations and Hispanics.

Anyone who has hate issues themselves needs to get help before you help raise the next generation of people made miserable by their own intolerance and feelings of hate. One thing people who hate never find is joy or contentment.  To think that our child or grandchild will never be happy but instead only hate should spring all of us into action by stopping the spread of hate each time we hear it. The media are easy to deal with as all we need to do is switch stations or turn them off, when they spread their hate. ”We The People”, are not so easy to deal with, so we need to get started and lead by example for the next generations coming up, so they never hear the hate that we have heard escalating and spreading these last four years. The voters have spoken.  God Bless all of us!

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Emotions Denied

Many times in a marriage or a close relationship and while raising children we will see emotions that not only appear out-of-place but they are,for instance, depressed people will quite often laugh or people who have feelings that are hurt will get angry when both would do better to acknowledge their feelings have been hurt or they are feeling sad.  To often relationships will end or be pulled apart because we do not understand our own emotions.

In dysfunctional homes, which comprises of the majority of homes, children are not allowed  to have or to express emotions or worse yet, they are mocked for having these feelings.  As a result of stilted emotions in childhood, many of us do grow up in denial of our own true emotions.  Boys and men have been told for generations that a show of emotion is a sign of weakness just as women have heard for years that they are too emotional to lead. We now know both are the thinking of backward beliefs. We need to know that the Leaders of  business and the World do care about those who they lead and that they will make decisions affecting all of us based, on their concern for our needs and futures.

We just had an election where all Americans were concerned because Romney did not show emotions so we felt the candidate lacked sincerity.  Emotions that are denied in both genders often leads instead to stilted leadership and unfair practices in both business and government and leaves people feeling that the person lacking any show of the same is untrustworthy. When we deny or hide emotion we cause an imbalance of stress in not only our lives but those who share our life with us.

Those under the most stress will often deny that they have stress while often times those who cause stress in other people’s’ lives will be the first to complain that they are under a great deal of stress. Sometimes they are taking their own stress out on others but many times it is used as an excuse for poor behavior on their part as well.  People other times are relieving their stress on others, without even being aware that they are. Determining our own stress related causes is especially important due to the many stressed related diseases that do lead to death in not only ourselves but our loved ones as well.  When it does not affect our health,which is rare indeed, it often leads to the end of really important relationships in our lives.

Too many times we just keep going on and never-changing our patterns in life and in doing so the stress builds up in us.  In areas where noises are constant such as  traffic noises, or trains and planes passing, we may be suffering stress and be totally unaware of the stress caused by noise factors.  Parents have been yelling at children for generations because the loud music teenagers often play, may be relaxing to some, while it causes stress in others.

When children feel stressed we quite often find that they will begin to bicker with each other.  When they are not under stress they will play together in harmony.  When we buy a child under stress a gift or set them in front of a television we do nothing to alleviate the stress they are feeling.  If we send them to their room instead of setting them down and asking them why they are exhibiting inappropriate behavior their stress will continue to build. Other times if we ask them to think about why they are behaving the way they are and to report back to us when they have figured it out, they will come up with their own answers. Other times they will blame others before they understand that their own emotions are coming from eternal changes happening in their own bodies.

Children are no different from adults in that to often, instead of dealing with the truth of their emotions, they will blame the closest to them for their own bad behavior.  Many times it is, we the parents who are accused to be at fault by our children and too many times,out of a feeling of guilt, because we parents have not dealt with our own emotions, we will reward instead of punish their bad behavior.   There are many different ways in childhood, when stress occurs, and our emotions get dismissed,ignored, or criticized. If we reward bad behavior instead of discussing it because we are buying off our own unresolved guilt we can create a monster no differently than we create the same future adult through cruel and abusive treatment in childhood. Other times bad behavior is better explained through chemical imbalances in the brain and our children need early intervention at this time.

When we add abusive punishment to an already stressed child we risk ending up with two kinds of adult behaviors.  We may either have very angry adults or we have adults who live in denial of their own emotions, so they stuff their feelings instead of acknowledging them and releasing their emotions through expression.  When people stuff down  their emotions  they often exhibit their emotions in other ways such as in over spending or shopping, being overtly sexual in their behavior, turning to drugs and alcohol,weight gain or lost,or excessive sleeping.

Many dismissed or ignored emotions are the explanation for why angry adults are not aware their own anger lies in hurt feelings from childhood instead, and why they live and breathe the idea that others are to blame when they become angry or withdraw.  Too often we hear abused partners in a marriage or a relationship say but they are so kind and thoughtful when they are not angry.Other times adults will withdraw emotionally and use it as a form of control over others who are left wondering, sometimes due to their own insecurities, if they said or did something wrong.  Both behaviors are terribly destructive not just in the life of adults but in the lives of children as well. When we give children excuses for poor behavior without taking time to understand their bad behavior they will often times grow up and excuse poor behavior in others and sadly it does reach the point that they accept abusive behavior through the reasoning that they love the abuser or they become the abuser themselves.

When we do leave abusive relationships because we recognize how destructive they are to us, we need to get professional help, many times, to understand what it was in us that allowed someone else to mistreat us.  If we try to go back into a relationship without resolving our own emotions or discussing our differences with them, we will only repeat the mistakes of our past. They will not change or become less abusive just because we wish them to.

If the other person in the relationship, tells us they want to start all over and leave the past unresolved, too often we only rehurt ourself all over again because the same words or behavior that hurt us in the past will keep reoccurring unless both of us are strong enough to talk it through and to put an end to it that is welcoming and calming to both of us.  Just because we wish to change does not mean they do as well.  Too often people who live their lives blaming someone other than themselves, also die that way.We often find this to be true when adult children try to make up with a parent or spouses try to reunite.

Stress related diseases are not found in the remains of the caveman so how do we explain that foraging for food and not knowing if they ate or not was not stressful? The explanations can be as complicated or as simple as we make them.  More than likely, it is the simple explanations; they did not know differently because they lived in an isolated environment in communes where everyone else shared their same lifestyle,  competition to succeed was not a part of their environment, nor were outside aggravations from other influences that affect modern man a part of their lives, everyone was dependent on everyone else in their group for their survival so when problems arose or they needed to hunt together,they worked the problems out through communication or they were not pressed for time because their lives were less complicated.  The stress that we experience was not a part of their lives and therefore the stress related diseases that we see today, were not present either.

There are a number of ways that we can relieve stress that do not cost money and bankrupt us as adults with the most important one being to listen to our children and to validate their feelings.  We can go out together as a family for pizza, to the park, or camp out and go fishing, go to the beach, take time out of our busy days to walk together or to set together at the dinner table and discuss our days.  The things that we do with our children together, is  what helps make them grow up as calm adults.  Placing them in an activity while we send them in a car pool does not replace that family time that children crave.

In a relationship men need male bonding as much as women need female companionship.  If we do not trust our relationship or marriage enough to accept that there will be times in all of our relationships and marriages that we need to give each other space then, more than likely, we should not make plans to commit to the relationship for life.  Trust is the necessary foundation of all relationships and without it we are only lying to ourselves if we cannot trust enough to let go.  Women quite often need to release stress through hobbies or crafts just as men do through sports or hunting or both need space to paint or write.  It is o.k. to play or watch sports, to hunt or share a hobby together, but to become inseparable when we are young, will usually cause more problems in the relationship than what we will find when we give each other the space we each need, to develop our own interests and responsibilities separately,occasionally.

When we are dealing with a marriage or an adult relationship, many times it is a necessity to have space from each other. We both should be aware of the person who refuses us the necessary space because they could very well be possessive or interested in forming a relationship of co-dependence, that shuts out all of our other important friendships and family members.  It is not always the inseparable couple who are the happiest.  Quite often it is the opposite of a happy couple, but instead a smothered couple.

In any relationship it helps to have other interests that gives us space as we need separate space just as much as we need shared space.  Sometimes when days off are limited, in marriages as in friendships,or families, it does help to take separate vacations if our interests are not shared.When we are a young family then it is always  wise to use our days off to expose our children to other parts of the Country or World so they are not intimidated when they need to move on with their own lives.  It does us well to understand that vacation time can be just as stressful on children as it can be on adults.  It’s always best to start with short trips and limited days until they get older.

Absence may not make our hearts grow fonder, so to speak, but we often find out that the reason we are feeling bad has nothing to do with the person we are blaming but everything to do with our own inability to deal with our own unresolved emotions from another happenstance in our lives, when we make space for ourselves and take time to reflect. This does not mean that we do not make shared time and interests just as much of a priority and we remain close as a couple because if we spend too much time apart we can become a high risk couple as well.  Like everything in life it is about balance while recognizing the importance of sharing our time as well.

I caution all of us to think before we find our own behavior destroying our own lives, when we instead are blaming it on others who truly do care about us and are innocent of our own hurt feelings or anger. At the same token, I caution everyone to think equally as hard about the solutions that will be resolved prior to going back to an old abusive relationship or starting a new one, since past behavior often indicates future behavior. When people begin lying to themselves about their emotional history, in order to believe their own lies or to embrace denial, reality is no longer their long suit and they become totally unaware of the fact that they are lying to themselves as well as their loved ones.

Sometimes  people,who refuse to accept responsibility for their own poor behavior, really are at fault when it comes to the hurt in us. We are in trouble if we are making too many excuses for them by rewarding bad behavior and taking responsibility for it ourselves. Other times we may be blaming others because of our own unresolved emotions. If we do not allow people to mistreat us they cannot mistreat us but we need to be certain it isn’t we who are mistreating ourselves the most.

If we cannot resolve these issues on our own it often saves the best relationships we will ever have, if we seek out professional help, before we end the relationships. If communications are impossible because they refuse to take shared responsibility for the problems in our relationships or we refuse to hear what they are saying, then we need help.  We cannot force others to view the problems the same way we do or see problems when they were not aware that any existed.

If we cannot afford counseling then a good friend who understands what makes others tick, because they have experience in life, may be able to help us, as long as we do not blame them for failing to say the things we want to hear.  If we find them agreeing with us instead of pointing out both sides, then seek out someone else because they are not challenging us to see beyond our already written in the stone beliefs. People tell us not to make rash judgements for a reason with the main reason being ,when we do, we often hurt ourselves far worse than we do anyone else if we fail to deal with our own emotions,first.

Be kind and know that unless we resolve our own emotional history we will not find the joy we seek nor will we find it in someone else.  It is true, “that familiarity often breeds contempt,” because those who truly care about us are the closest to us.  Many times we also know them better than they know themselves, and we make it more difficult for them to make excuses or to lie to themselves when they know, we know the truth, and they refuse to take responsibility for their own emotions or behavior.

We can also be the first hurt by those who are in denial of their own emotions, as we are the ones who often get lied about the most since the goal of the person in denial is to protect that denial at all cost. As difficult as it is in the beginning, if they are not willing to deal with reality in time, we begin to feel the relief of being out of their drama and realize the value of being free from the same, once we do heal.

No one but ourselves can make us happy or at peace with others.Nor is it their job to do so. Other people can add to or compliment our own happiness or joy only if we have already found happiness through our own approval of self, and acceptance of others’ rights to find their own happiness with or without us. At the same token other people can only destroy that inner-peace in us, if we give them permission to do so.

It is very difficult work that is involved and often takes years of laying our heads on the pillow content with knowing we do feel complete because we have given much more to life than we have subtracted from it. We also must be aware that to be real, our contentment in life never wavers no matter how many times it gets challenged,as it will be challenged many more times in life. We cannot mistake what I am writing about with the narcissists who feel they are entitled to everything they get.

We must be cognizant of the fact there are people who are more content with being a victim,due to their delayed or stunted emotional growth, than they are with being a winner. We need to accept that many times those we think we are the closest to are the most toxic to us, just as we must learn to accept those we think are our enemy often times are our best friend. People prove their loyalty to us time and time again but sadly too many people often put their faith in those who don’t support them, because the people they protect lead them into believing they are a victim.

It is the nature of mankind to react to tragedy and injustice when we see it and if we are not selfish by nature, we offer help and support, to those who truly do suffer.  Unfortunately there are those who prey on that factor and want us to feel they are a victim as well.  Too many times those who do not deal with their own emotional history will  use our naivety or kindness to their advantage to manipulate those of us who do care. It especially occurs in those who do not take a good long hard look at themselves and ask,”Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes and hurting myself in the process.

It is nice to write about something other than politics again and now that we are done celebrating our Country’s victory, some of us need to get to work on our own victories. It often entails hard work when we do wish to be honest with ourselves and others. The efforts to know ourselves are greatly rewarded when we do.

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Susan B. Komen and Planned Parenthood

I warned in my post,”Bring Back Investigative Reporting”, that there was a U-Tube video, that set up Planned Parenthood that went virile, and no news Agency investigated the obvious falsehood that was tied to the video on this blog in Dec., although they reported it. I also warned in my post, “Who are the pro-choice,”in Jan., that there was a drive underway, by the right-wing conservatives, to remove all funding from Planned Parenthood and to shut it down.

Since all candidates running on the Republican ticket are of that mind-set, it simply projects the future of poor and middle class women in America,who can no longer afford health Insurance, if a Republican candidate wins the general election in November.

With the right-wing and Tea Party influence and an already out of control Republican Party, we can bet it will become part of their platform at the Republican Convention this summer.If the right-wing has had the power to keep Science and Global warming off of the platform we can almost bet they will win on this, as well.

The public in America are being lied to about Planned Parenthood in every sector of America, when it comes to abortion in Planned Parenthood. Republican Senator John Kyl, who is second in charge, stood on the floor and said 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. The internet lists a site that says 95% of what they do is abortion.

Priests and Ministers across America are exaggerating the truth, by including the Plan B or morning after pill which is nothing more than a birth control pill. It takes the sperm 72 hours to reach the egg and the Plan B or more commonly known as the morning after pill, prevents the sperm from reaching the egg, just like every other form of birth control, including the condom.

Bill O’Reilly on Fox News says that 50% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. We don’t even need to get into Christian Broadcasting Network and Rush Limbaugh, when it comes to the lack of truth in reporting,because the truth is that only 3% of what Planned Parenthood does, is to deal with abortion, at a time in our Country where a live child is dying every 5 minutes due to starvation and or related disorders.Since the majority of abortion occur in the poor, statistics show that when the economy does better then abortions drop accordingly, as well.

In over 200,000 cases, women have been counciled out of getting abortions so the 277,000 reported abortions done last year could have been even greater without Planned Parenthood. The amount of abortions are very small in comparison to the deaths in live births that happen as a result of Poverty in America. If we eliminated the loop holes and the laws that allows for greed amongst the 1% and instead paid the 99% a just wage as we did 20 plus years ago,before Newt Gingrich won back control of the House and Senate for the Republicans, we would see abortions drop substantially. Planned Parenthood isn’t the problem but part of the solution as they served the health needs of 2,900,000 patients last year, and it includes both men and women.

The goal of the Susan B. Komen Foundation is to eradicate all Breast Cancer so it seems odd that they would remove all funds to Planned Parenthood who does 700,000 mammograms a year on women who cannot afford insurance.

That is until we look even further at the climate that is going on in Washington. The Vice President, who has joined the Susan B. Komen Foundation, Karen Handel, was a Tea Party darling in the gubernatorial race in Georgia,in 2010. Sarah Palin, spoke for her and threw total support behind her. Karen Handel lost the race.

When Karen Handel was running for Governor of Georgia in 2010, as a Tea Party darling, she said the following:”I am pro-life and I do not support the mission of Planned Parenthood,” also,”As a pro-life governor, I will eliminate any grants that support abortion to Planned Parenthood.” The President of the Susan B. Komen foundation is also Republican.

Don’t forget that I have reported in another post, that the State of Georgia, conservative Republicans are currently being fought by the Democrats, because they are attempting to remove Barack OBama’s name from the Ballots in both their primaries and general election. They claim, even after seeing President OBama’s birth certificate, that he is not a citizen of United States.The environment that Karen Handel has sprung from, before she took over the position at Susan B. Komen foundation, is already nuts according to those of us who do understand the insanity that is coming out of the State of Georgia, as well as, the need for uninsured women amongst us, to get quality health care in the prevention of Breast Cancer.

We need to look towards Washington where conservative Republican, Cliff Stearns, is threatening to do a Congressional Investigation into Planned Parenthood,then it all makes sense as to why the Susan B. Komen foundation is withdrawing funding.

It is just total interference into the equal rights of women,to take care of their own reproductive health as well as their health in general and to get quality healthcare, who could not afford to get it elsewhere, both by the groups who represent the Churches, as well as, the right-wing Republicans, who will ultimately use the Tea Party candidate as a scape goat once their mission is accomplished. There is not room for both in the same Party. The Tea Party will be the loser.

In my opinion there is not room for two varying ideologys on conservative values with such extremes dividing both. It is like getting the Evangelicals and Catholics to agree on Doctrine;or the Republicans in Congress to agree to President’s OBama two trillion-dollar budget cut, in order to balance the budget and to pay down the deficit. It simply won’t happen in either case.

The Spokesperson for Susan B. Komen, acknowledged that the reason for the withdraw of funding was due to the Congressional Investigation into Planned Parenthood, initially, according to the head of Planned Parenthood, but she was immediately silenced and instead the public was told, by the President of the Susan B, Komen Foundation, that it is not a political decision.

Representative Waxman, Democrat from California, says the Congressional Investigation, is nothing more than trumped-up charges. Diana DeGette from Colorado, calls it a “witch hunt.”

The reason I believe them, has nothing to do with my being Democrat, but everything to do with the fact that the signs have been obvious to any one with common sense, since before 2010, that they would have the Tea Party candidates do their dirty work and would shut down Planned Parenthood.

Once they find a scapegoat, then they will be able to keep their hands clean. Otherwise too many women, as in the case of Newt Gingrich, would choose not to vote for the conservatives in the future, and we women, are the majority voters, in America.

Todays enthusiasm amongst the young people in the Tea Party reminds me of the same enthusiasm that existed in the John Birch Society when Barry Goldwater was running against Richard Nixon. They sunk Goldwater in the end and the moderates prevailed. I predict the same will happen with Gingrich and Santorum and Mitt will defeat himself. Don’t be surprised though to see Ron Paul turn his delegates over to Mitt at the convention. Because of his son, Rand’s future in Politics, he will need to side with the moderates, in the end.

Union Busting, is going on in the States of Wisconsin with the recall of Tea Party paid for Republican Governor, Scott Walker, and the Tea Party paid for Republican Governor Mitch Daniels,of Indiana (He did the rebuttal for the Republicans after the State of the Union Address, by Barack OBama, and Mitch Daniels registered a ” Liar Pants On Fire” with Poilitifacts).  It was also attempted in Ohio before they signed a referendum against them.

The Union Busting by the Tea Party in these States are being done against the workers.Since the Unions establish the wages we all get, it is an attack by the Republicans against all workers of the working poor and middle class. The Tea Party elected governors, are hiding behind “the right to work law” and forcing it through legislation in States where there is a Republican majority in the States, in an effort to eliminate all Unions.

In doing so they can pay the working poor and middle class less in wages and require that they work longer hours. Once a man who has political ambition, gains a reputation as a Union Buster, he will never again get the blue-collar workers vote. When the Conservatives are done with them doing their dirty work, they will simply blame them to cover their own butts. No Politician in America can win an election without the vote of women,or the poor, or the middle class, and that is why each election year the Republicans court us and then turn to the protection of Wall Street and their profits.

Finally then I believe this Congressional Investigation, against the Planned Parenthood, also smells just like the Star Committee that was formed and set up by the Conservatives to try to get all the dirt on the Clintons that they could get, at taxpayers expenses, in the 1990′s. Once we know how these Conservatives work, in their dirty little games, we never forget it.

Anyone who thinks this was not politically driven needs to educate themselves further on how much destruction is being done in America by these groups in the name of Christianity. It has been said much better than I can say it, long before me, and that is:”Oh what a web we weave when first we practice to deceive…”

I urge you to do your homework, before you vote in November. Our education standards, and our equal rights in a Democracy as women, and as the poor and middle class in America, as we have known it, is at stake. Good luck in your pursuits.

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How Much Do We Need To Know?

I was watching a cable network show the other day, and the question asked of the viewing public was,”When will the government tell us the truth about the Iraq War?”,there were a various number of answers and of course the ever stupid one blaming OBama, but in truth just how much do we need to know?

Those of us who do not bore ourselves with research,read, or study foreign policy probably did not understand that British Petroleum owns 66% of Iraq oil rights and American Corporations owns 18% with Iraq having more oil than, any Country in the Middle East. American oil reserves were at one of the lowest if not the lowest before we went into Iraq. Since we had sanctions against Saddam Hussein he was refusing or making it difficult at least for British Petroleum and American oil companies to get their oil out to the refineries.

Cheney served on the board of Halliburton for years, before becoming Vice President and I believe history will show that he spear-headed the movement into Iraq and the war as plenty have indicated the same. Once an oil man always an oil man is fairly common as with most other occupations. Our other allies did not go to war with us because it was a commerce problem not a problem for war.The American people as well as members of the military, Congress and the Senate were incorrectly led to believe that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and when none were found just as the people on the ground, whose job it was to report back to the U.N., had told the United Nations previously before our going to war, then the people were lied to and told they had faulty information.

Since I did know this,as I regularly check out foreign policy.gov, and I believe that oil is no excuse to go to war, I was very much against the war in Iraq. I believe unless the people or our allies ask us for help, as the Libya people did, we should remain neutral other than when we are attacked on our soil or the soil of our allies or for humane reasons when we are asked to intercede.

America was very much justified to go into Afghanistan and Pakistan,once we had been attacked as we were by Osama Ben Laden. I believe we are justified, to enter any country to eliminate him. I am neither a Pacifist or a Hawk, but I do believe that America should and does have a right to eliminate injustice when asked by those who need our help, since we have the most superior of all military in the World. However after once entering and they feel confidant to continue as Iraq did, we do need to leave when they ask us to. Many times communications or sanctions can solve more than war, and we owe it to our young men and women to open up communications before going to war.

Although I would never advocate that the American voter bury their heads in the sand, or not educate themselves, before going to the polls to vote on the candidates, who do run for office, a great deal of American interests does need to remain in secret in order to better protect our own shores from terrorism,to safeguard our military personnel over-seas, and to serve Democracy. It is no different from a drug bust ever being made, a murder solved, a chop-shop broken up or any crime solved, if the press and criminals were all aware of what the authorities were doing.

The important thing is that our military, regardless of what they were told, fought with honor and after leaving Kuwait today, will all be home, with the exception of 160 troops who are still training the Iraqi troops and those who will remain to protect our Embassy, in Iraq. We need to understand that those who have and are coming home, in so many ways, their war is still going on and may continue doing so for years, while they battle against both physical and emotional wounds. Their families who are making the adjustments and who sacrificed right along with them, will learn as all war families do, that a different person from whom they knew, has returned home. We Americans must never forget their sacrifice when or if the legislatures try to dismiss the long-term care that many will need and have earned.

Our men and women fought with honor, in many cases, to save and spare their own comrades while the great majority of we Americans went on with our lives. It is now time that we rise to the occasion of meeting their needs. We all must remember that 1/3 of our homeless are military vets, when we take umbrage with the poor, and fight for them, when they can no longer fight for themselves.

Before you accuse me of seeing UFO’s and or The Loch Ness Monster, since the Day of the Trojan Horse, much of what has been told to the people, is not always as is, when it comes to matters of war. Even the Civil War began as a war over secession over high tariffs charged by the North to the South and later changed to a war over slavery.For those who think the movies resemble war-time then we all need to reassess reality. There has been much conversation, about the drone that was lost by the CIA into Iran. So much of espionage looks different to the civilian population than it does to those who do know exactly what they are doing.

Because the press sometimes keeps us too well-informed, I can simply say, if I was Iran, I would at least take the smirk off of my face if not consider destroying it, rather than risk the fact that it wasn’t a deliberate “Oops” moment. Do we even know if it is fully equipped or with what or was it set down to mislead? It would not be the first spy plane, that was set down to mislead those we were at war with. I acknowledge that it also may not be anything less than reported, but we too quickly want to believe the worse in the news about OBama or are too quick to accept the spin doctors who promote or pay for the lies that we hear, instead of realizing none of us know a damn thing, if we do not ever question what we read or hear.

A good example of what is currently being reported as fact is that the Republicans are expounding and that is that the Keystone pipeline will produce 20,000 jobs and not cause the American tax payers anything. The truth is the Company itself as well as Cornell University, who makes a point of checking the facts out, says it will produce 6500 part-time jobs and lead to 50 permanent jobs while the Republicans continue to hold up the tax break to the middle class tax payers, without the Keystone Pipeline included.

I think it does us all well to remember:”that a great deal of what we don’t know, does not hurt us,” when we are ignorant of those who do protect our best interest in the World. The inter-net along with some establishment owned networks, some cable television news,radio air ways and print owned by Murdoch and the establishment make it a habit to spin the truth to those of us who would remain better off not knowing their brand of so-called truth. Let’s face it,most of all the lies we hear, even when it is not on the inter-net,media, newsprint or from a politician, do come from an insecurity complex or a narcissist, or an ego or the establishment. As teenagers we seem to know this and sadly, as adults we resign ourselves to accepting it,or worse yet, go into denial and believe the lies.

What we all need to remember is just where our priorities should be and what we should make a point to know and that is during this Christmas, or if you prefer Holiday Season, our goals need to be “Goodwill towards our fellow-man, woman and child,who are in need and or suffering whether it be our own family or our neighbors, and especially that our thoughts and prayers go out to all of our military families.”

I will use this medium to tell all military families.”Thanks to you all” for your service and sacrifices for us, and speaking for myself,I greatly appreciate your heroism, even though I was against the reason we went to war, I am capable of admitting that I was wrong, when I hear about the dreadful treatment suffered by the people under Saddam Hussein.

I just like some of you,would have felt better about the sacrifices you were asked to make, if America had gone to war for humane reasons or if the Iraqi people had asked us to come in, and without the lie of weapons. I have lived enough years to know that even when life may look its darkest or the reasoning behind it is not always sound, more times than not, another door will open and flood brightly with light on the justice of it all. It will all make sense with time, when the press stops reporting the negatives and lies against Obama being weak, and catches on to the protection Iraq will have as an ally of America. War is hell and rare has it been when the troops left, they did not feel the quilt of leaving behind the misplaced people.

The possibility of having a new ally sitting between Israel and Iran, not to mention getting rid of a cruel dictator, is already telling us your time was worth much more than perhaps you can now appreciate, as you gave us more than any of us dared hope for more than a decade ago when Saddam Hussein turned against America, after we set him up with technology and weapons. The potential for a civil war looms great, and I ask patience of us all, while the Kurds, Sunni and Shiites fight for supremacy, as I know it will be hard on the Iraqi people and require more sacrifice on their part, as well. Once there is a victor, then we will begin to see your sacrifices recognized, right along with theirs’.

Once trade opens up between our two Countries and the American people see our economy turn around because Corporations will be forced into hiring back the workers out of need to produce, as we join with our ally in shared interest of rebuilding Iraq and bringing security back to the Iraqi people, then your efforts will become a part of the history you sacrificed for, and the naysayers will know just how much you did contribute to the American welfare, on the back of your own suffering. What the politicians could not accomplish you will accomplish and we will all be better Blessed for your sacrifices.

I am confident that we learned our lessons from what happened with Saddam Hussein and have another chance to be more firm, observant and ever watchful, thanks to your sacrifices. Never forget,” your second wind.” as those of us who care, respect you when you lose sight of it. God Bless you all and again, Thanks! Welcome home where you belong!

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The Significance Of Self

We hear all the time, “unless we love ourselves, we cannot love others.” I do believe, in some cases, when we start out life we have love to give and, as such, we are capable of loving, without loving ourselves. I’ve heard people say,” that they are in love but they have not yet met the person that they are in love with.” In those cases I have always felt, probably due to their own behavior, that they were actually in love with themselves but did not recognize it as such. In my own case, I do know that I have loved everyone else, long before I recognized, that I loved myself. Some of us grow up confused as to what love really is as it has never been given to us unconditionally or we only felt love according to if our behavior met with approval or not.

There is no such thing as a mommy gene universally in all mothers. Many children grow up hearing,”we were an accident,the day we were born was the worse day of our mother’s life, or the only reason we were even born was because our mothers thought that they would go to hell if they used birth control”. Complicate that with parents who never tell us that we are loved, that are remote and cold while we are growing up, parents who profess to love us as we live in fear of being beaten on a daily basis, or have parents beating each other up and the whole ideal of love becomes totally misconstrued to the point that many are fearful to love or commit if that is what love really is. Often it takes years and years, before children growing up in these environments can even dare trust what we are feeling, is really love or if someone else that professes to love us, is sincere.

Every human being’s survival depends on being born selfish. If a baby didn’t cry until their needs were meant they would end up malnourished or ill. Most of us would sleep through, sometimes every hour and half feedings, because as all new parents can attest many times during a baby’s life we are so tired we are not always certain if we did wake up or if we slept through a feeding. It is a time of total and complete exhaustion, especially if one parent is doing it all alone. In many ways we never lose the need to be selfish. Some are just better at recognizing it than others. Every action we take from seeking friendship,to marriage, to what brings us joy is intertwined with our own needs being met, if we are honest with ourselves in acknowledging it.

What separates a selfish person from a giving person is innate to their character, if I was to hazard a guess. It explains why one twin can be selfish while another generous, even when raised identically to each other, including the same punishment being meted our to both simultaneously, regardless who is to blame. If it is not genetic then the genetic make-up that drives perception,in my opinion, has to play a role. Where one saw injustice for the punishment they did not cause, another accepted the same as being normal or had the capacity to block pain or go into denial whereas the other didn’t or maintained reality.

Many children will block out their childhood if it was too bad or separate from it emotionally while others never forget and relive the nightmare for life. Abuse alters and changes a person’s personality, entirely, from who or whom they would have been, otherwise. That includes people who tell their children they were not wanted and verbally abuse their children. I’ve heard parents tell their children that they were an accident, in jest, and watched the child’s facial expression crumble. I think sometimes we adults are immune to teasing and lose sight of what effect it has on our children. Many times that same teasing can send our children off to bully others, if they take it literally, as many do. Some children will totally overlook or block abuse where as others can be haunted all their lives and I’m not sure anyone understands for certain,why?

I have absolutely no regrets that I came late to the table, as far as loving everyone else, before I recognized my love of myself, because it is the reason I now gather so much pleasure and enjoyment out of my life. If every action I ever did was as a conscious reaction on my part to do or give because I would get something back as a result of it, I’m sure I would feel much more guilt or discomfort with what damage I occurred to myself, now that I am limited in what I can do for others.

I am a sincere believer in the reality that everything that we do for others without expectation or return or without telling the world about our charity is returned to us here on earth. If we use it to improve our own image or to get an, “atta girl/boy” or to fulfill some need of our own we can sometimes end up in anger,hurt or mistrust because we assumed and when our assumptions do not prove out then we get angry or hurt about it. On the other hand, those of us that give without expectations, quickly learn the value of doing so brings with it, its own reward, even miracles. I don’t even have to explain that to those of you who do know, what I mean when I say it.

If we never know or understand ourself and the reasoning behind why we did what we did or do what we do, we can become really bitter with life and mistreat others. Once we know the true damage, we do to both ourselves and others, exist is because of our own assumptions then we can learn better ways to give of our self and time or choose not to. Except of course when it comes to paying taxes and I would hope we all appreciate the fact that Democracy gives us enough, so we can at least do that much. When gifting is a choice and we are constantly resenting doing anything for someones else, all of us would much rather you did nothing instead of listen to your constant bitching or sign carrying protest.

The significance of self is, to know ourselves, well enough so we bring both hope and joy to others or we take blame so we don’t make the rest of our family,work staff, group, or America in general, miserable right along with us. Listen to the way people and media are talking. We have to ask ourselves why children bully? Give us a break! As the old cliché goes,”If you have nothing good to say then say nothing, at all.”

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The Greatest Of All–Charity

Charity is the one ingredient in life that is missing in the efforts being reported by the media, the right-wing and within our Churches today and that is why ultimately all their efforts will fail.

Too many people see charity as something that we do for others and fail to recognize that it is also what we feel, think and say about others. How can we find credibility in any organization like the Tea Party when they spew so much hatred towards OBama? Or in our Churches when they express such a lack of charity towards Gays? Then there is the media that sensationalizes everything to the point that we lose total sight of, if there was any charitable thought behind the message, or if it was just about the dirt gathered or the lies told.

Since I would rather keep this to what the importance of charity is to us, as an individual, instead of going into the lack of it being shown in our Country today, I will leave it at that and hope somehow the message gets through to the people involved that action without charity is bound to fail.

When I was going through one personal crises on top of the other I found that it was the acts of charity that kept me busy on other people’s problems that would ultimately be the greatest act of kindness towards my own well-being of all. Medicine can only do so much and then it is up to us to do the rest.”Patient heal thyself” is never so evident as when we feel that we need to find someone or something to lean on the most.

In my own efforts I found it difficult to explain to people why I would knowingly be helping someone who would ultimately betray me. They found it necessary to warn me that while I was giving of my time and charity by painting her apartment for her she was out partying and apparently felt it odd that I would be helping someone who would feel comfortable enough to have me doing her work free for her while she played. I tried to explain to them without little success that it wasn’t so much about what she was doing or needed as it was about what I needed at the time.

No this was not the type of charity without strings attached but I mention it because most charity that we do for others comes with strings attached. Most people do charity to fulfill a need in them. It can be with the mentality of their own image or an act to obligate others or because doing so makes them feel better about their own lives. Charity in its purest form is neither self-serving or hate filled and certainly not something that we say or do for others and then resent the fact that we did them the favor in the first place or is it filled with lies.

To find a true act of pure charity then we must look at people who do and say what they do and say without expectation of the same. It needs to be said or done for the clear purpose of the need of the person and many times without the person, themselves, knowing where the charity came. When we find remorse because we said something kind about a person or did a deed that went both unappreciated or unacknowledged then we have given charity for the purpose of our own self-esteem or need rather than for the person it was intended to help.

When the “hat gets passed” in the office for another’s birthday and we contribute because if we didn’t we are concerned of what others would think we are not giving out of a charitable attitude. The same is true when we pay our taxes and then try to remove Social Security when we know that over the years it has been the only thing that has kept a roof over the head of many of our elderly. We complain about welfare even when we are collecting much more in unemployment that what we paid into the program.

The truth is that none of us will ever live our lives without having a pure act of charity done for us or to us whether it be that person that makes our stay pleasant, talks well about us when others speak poorly even though they hardly know us, finds our pet and returns it without accepting a reward, babysits for us free of charge when Mom or Dad need to run an errand or leave town on an emmergency, drops off food at a time of loss, gives through any and all charitable organizations or group anonymously and the list goes on. Even then it is still extremely difficult to do an act of random kindness for another without feeling that the real reward goes to ourselves because of the way we feel when we do contribute without strings attached.

Long story short, if you are between solutions in your life, suffering pain as a result of trauma, or just in a malaise of some sort do something for someone else without need to be repaid and see how much better it makes you feel. Nothing gets our minds off of our own problems faster than helping someone who we recognize of having far greater of a problem than what we have.

It may be difficult right now because of how you are feeling, but there is always someone else that is experiencing worse problems than we are. In many cases, it might even be our own caregivers. Remember then the most important of all gifts is charity as it will give us both the healing power of Faith and the inspiring gift of hope. Enjoy your Sunday as it was intended to enjoy and that is with charity in your heart towards others, and I will guarantee you will have a good day.

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The Greatest Inspiration–Hope

Mankind as we know it, would have died off years ago if it wasn’t for a simple inspiration that keeps us going and that is Hope. As long as we have hope that things will improve in our lives we have the courage to deal with life head on. During periods of rejection if we were not able to hope that the person who had been in our lives previously, and we long to have back in our lives, would not be coming back, many of us would simply quit on life and living itself.

It is when we lose sight of all hope that suicides happen. Fortunately, the great majority of us have such a high rate of survival instincts built into us that it does not cross the mind of most of us because of hope. People that cling to hope will continue putting one step in front of each other until they reach the level of reality that tells us that the person is not coming back and many times we are better off if they don’t. Even in relationships that we are being mistreated and abused,many times, we do not initially have an awareness as to the extent of the mistreatment so hope keeps us going until the clouds rise and we can see the horizon of our lives more clearly than what we do in the beginning, when all things in our lives are kept moving because of hope.

When we get the worse diagnosis of our lives we are kept going sometimes on nothing more than hope so that we can strengthen our reserves enough to the point that we ourselves can make the resolve to give the disease or illness a run for its money. As the old saying goes”When life gets tough the tough get going.” When a child is diagnosed we especially feel a surge of hope that will keep us learning and challenging the current views of medicine in hopes that our child’s disease will have a better outcome and work towards the goals that many times make it possible.

We should not confuse hope for denial as hope offers us the strength to smile and laugh again and to find the time that we need to accept or search for a different solution or result. Denial is no different from giving up. As long as we deny that it exist then we do nothing towards finding a different direction to take to cure or change our reality much less an effective way to deal with anything in our own life much less our child’s life.

Where Faith may be the great healer of our lives it can only correspond with the hope that we all have potential to reach out and grasp in order to make our own lives greater. Sometimes it can actually be better for our own well-being to avoid all people who would destroy the hope in our life with negatives such as “dreamer” or “impossible” until we ,ourself, are able to separate the two from reality as verses denial. At other times it helps to reach out for those that will be honest with us and refuse to let us lie to ourselves but will not destroy our right to hope.

Just as hope keeps us going then false hope can also be destructive to our own well-being. A good mix of Doctors or a professional team many times will be the help we need to draw our own conclusions. It is both unfair of us to expect family and friends to do the thinking for us as much as it is for them to assume the decisions for us. The real crises in our lives do not get solved over a few drinks with family or friends but with the Professional people who have the means to help along with our own determination and power to both research and find answers for ourselves and to maintain hope when hope is still viable.

Never discount the power of hope,prayer, faith, laughter, and research done on our own with the help of a good medical dictionary. We all know people who should not be walking or who should not be alive today because they did have hope and courage to find solutions that did compliment the programs that their own doctors had not taken into consideration. Remember it is only in accidents that we do not sometimes wake up again. With diagnosis of disease and illness we always have hope as well as time. The sooner we get going the more time we have, obviously. If the medical team you now have in place is not nor ever will consider other options, then replace them.

The more that we contribute to our own medical care and life in general, the more hope and appreciation we gain in our own strength to fight and win against the diseases that would hold us hostage. Good luck and get going as what ever happens you are giving yourself the knowledge that you gave it your best shot, in life and you are lifting the cloud that darkens your horizons of the unknown through both hope and knowledge. Regardless of the out come, “Job Well Done!” We are all pulling for you!

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continued…The Other Side–Entitlement

If you read my post from yesterday, entitled. “The best Days of our Lives” then just add the person to it that feels entitled to share everything that we work for to it, and you will understand the other major reason as to why families,friends, and neighbors end up with all the negative emotions and misunderstandings that they do towards each other.

As long as we are meeting their approval by sharing our assets with them, whether it be time, skill or money, doing as we are told in the neighborhood,family, and friendship then most of us are A-o.k. in their books, if not great. It is when we need space for our own endeavors that the negatives start piling up and the excuses as well as the judgements usually start. The control freaks in our lives simply cannot handle the word “No”. We can also throw the manipulators, those with a superiority complex, and the narcissists in the mix along with the self-appointed.

Since I wrote about all the ways that we can improve our own lives without finding fault and blame in others in that post I will simply ask you to read it and replace it with the above behaviors in people. Too many of us spend way too many years in our youths trying to win approval through popularity and then only end up disillusioned as to why it does not work. (“the Best Days of our Lives” is listed on the side of this post if you cannot find it elsewhere)

Charity begins at home and we cannot ignore our own lives at the expense of others and then think we can find joy. I believe that all of us do have an obligation to help others as well, but when we do it to the point that we deny our own well-being it is time to go back and reflect on why we got in the place that we have in the first place. I assure you that most of the things that we do for others will never be regretted as long as we did them without expectations of rewards for ourselves.

It is a common thread that runs amongst most of us to do too much or not enough or to assume and end up with neighbor not waving, family not speaking and arguments following judgements. Most of the behavior really is quite petty and most of us can and will find the humor in it. Once we can appreciate our own faults in assuming too much. It really is true that to assume, “makes an ass- out of -u- and -me-.”

It will take the courage to take a good look at ourselves realistically and honestly and look at our own action, reaction, or behavior instead of finding fault in their’s.

It always does all of us well, to remember, that no one is ever entitled to anything, including adult children from some one else, unless we have made a vow to forsake all others as we do in marriage and give birth to minor children that are totally reliant on us for the success of their future salvation.

Parents, big brothers and big sisters lose all control or rights over a married couple regardless of who they may be and especially when they never ask so much as an hour of your time other than to make your trip pleasant or a nickel of your money once they do marry.

The Mom and Pop rules become nil and void. Except of course when you are a guest or living under their roof and of course they are still entitled to the ground rules in their homes. Even if siblings do borrow money or need help it still does not give parents, big brother, or big sister any rights over the spouse on any issues other than the loan.

At the same token anyone who does borrow money from a sibling should know and understand that along with asking for the loan will come advice and explanation when the answer is both yes and no, just the same as if they were a neighbor,friend or stranger.

To loan money to someone close to us is always a mistake. Unless there is a drug,spending, gambling addiction or alcohol problem it is better to give them the money to prevent hard feelings in the future.

If it is someone who has made accusations against us or sabotaged us in the past, then it is never a good idea, to give money much less loan it, as the feelings, are already raw against this individual and there will be family interference ,as a rule, regardless of the situation at hand. At the same token it is wrong to accept gifts from them.

Otherwise absolutely everything done by us or for us is completely in the hands of the person who is doing us the favor and if we are not that person then we are not entitled, owed, or do we have a right to expect anything from anyone beyond what they are willing in their generosity to do for us or give to us.

Family are no different from friends or neighbors in that they do not get to treat us like crap, exclude us when convenient and then turn around and ask us for our help. If they have not learned that they do not get “their cake and eat it too” and they or your parents have not taught them that reality then perhaps it is our moral obligation to teach them.

The same goes for parents who try to interfere in our marriages. Nothing is more sacred than the marriage vows themselves. If the only way family can respect each other is to put distance between them then by all means do. Staying together,discounting feelings, refusing group counseling, and arguing amongst each other many times causes more pain and solves less than putting time and distance between us will. It sometimes is best to just exchange best wishes at Christmas and birthdays rather than to constantly badger each other.

We would all hope that we would assume responsibility for the aged or sick family members amongst us but not all families can or do and that too, sadly, is a realization. We must all bear in mind that they’re always extenuating circumstances that has nothing to do with our sitting in judgement as to why it is the way it is.

Sometimes family members that need help will reject our help unless they can control or bully the help we give them and mistreat or verbally abuse us in the process. When that happens it makes it impossible then to help them.

Professional people are trained with the knowledge in how to deal with these type of personalities. Most of them will not tolerate such behavior nor should we think it our duty to do so as well. It may take an extended search on our part to find the facilities best equipped to deal with them.

When siblings refuse to listen or believe parents are not co-operating and blame the sibling instead, then the problem becomes compounded. We are to figure out our own purpose in life and to allow others the same freedom. Maturity is acknowledging and accepting the truth of that realization. Again I wish you all the Best!

(Please note–This is intended for anyone that comes from either an extended dysfunctional family, lives in a dysfunctional neighborhood or has dysfunctional friends, I have been blessed with my inner-circle of family, great neighbors and friends ( well with the exception of 2 in the friend dept.who maybe a little questionable but who I love anyway:) and most of us will have 2 hopefully that goes well if not all three. If you have all three that goes poorly, then you REALLY need to evaluate your own behavior:)

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