Guns And Mental Illness

Too often as a Nation, we over look the risks and dangers of in-action.  We too many times talk about needing to help draw attention to both guns and mental illness but then the reminders of the tragedy passes and the powerful lobbyists again, win.

The facts are: we do nothing about the out of control gun ownership in our Nation because of the lies that lead to fear tactics, told and spread by the National Rifle Associations and many of their colleagues. People who run for office know and understand that the NRA is only second in power to the American Medical Ass. or the A.M.A.  With men like the Koch brothers backing the NRA, Republicans and Conservative Democrats know they will lose their jobs or never get elected if they even whisper, “gun control”, so as a Nation we keep talking about doing something and then we forget about it until the next tragedy.

When those who claim that,”we need to  grieve first,” I am in agreement with you if that is what it will take to give you the strength later to claim your responsibility to protect the children.  I am equally supportive of those of us who express our views now, as it is when we put a time clock on our expression of anguish, that we too often fail to do anything that will be heard by those who are responsible for such a needless tragedy. In America we need to accord the grieving of all people on their own time frame, because as a Nation we all share in the grief.  When we start judging each other in how or when they grieve or express that grief, then we fail to understand our own need to stop the in-action in us.

What always amazes me is the public outrage or disbelief that these tragedies often happen in small or rural communities.  Mental illness and gun ownership is as prevalent in one area of America as the other. If we recognize that abuse happens in one out of every three homes in America regardless of the social economic situation, and a person needs to be mentally unstable on some level or suffering from depression on another, in order to commit murder/suicide, then we can and should accept that our children are not safe anywhere as long as gun enthusiasts rights are protected by the lobbyists who control our Nation and politicians.

Depression that is sometimes brought on by circumstances in our lives, holds no favorites nor does it care what the size of the community is or the type of community we reside in.  The sad thing is that mental illness is easily recognized by those who refuse to spend their lives in denial, and as equally and as readily treatable.  When Politicians, the law or the courts, or insurance companies refuse to help parents by passing laws that aid in the treatment of mental illness and carrying them long-term on insurance policies, then the public will too often suffer the consequences. We as a society should never condemn the parents for the real frustrations and sometimes fear that they are left to deal with in the interim. We instead need to point the finger at those who are more committed to profit over the safety of our children and ourselves.

We know mental illness results as much from genetics as it does from environment and just as compassionate people should not fault people for the unfortunate circumstances of many physical diseases, we should not condemn those who suffer from mental illness.  When we do not demand the coverage of Insurance Companies to cover mental illness, but too many times complain because our premium costs go up instead, then we also play into the neglect of the needs of our own or are responsible for our own in-action. When we refuse to believe that as a Nation we all must protect the needs of our children, then we fail more than just our children but we fail ourselves, as well.

As a Nation we are hearing the underpinnings of the refusal to cover the cost of the health care for our elderly,disabled, and poor even though Nations less advanced than our own cover 100% of the costs of all of its citizens, without stating as fact, that as a Nation they can no longer afford to do so. When we refuse to invest in the needs of our people, we refuse to keep our children safe as well.  In order for our children to be totally safe in America we must demand that the 17 Republican State Legislatures who passed into law the, “Stand Your Ground Laws”,over-ride the law effective, immediately.

We already have a history of knowing when lay people are not effectively trained, do pull a gun on another or fire back, too many times we will fire into a crowd wildly which leads to more death, or we will freeze up and not fire at all. Shooting at a target or a gun club does not offer us the same reality as actually shooting at another human being does. Guns in the hands of those of us who are not trained or of the mindset, only causes more death and destruction, when called on to defend ourselves or others. Even trained policemen are slow to use their guns due to the collateral damage that is often present. Using guns to protect against guns is simply another fallacy offered by The N.R.A. and those who protect the use of guns. The Stand Your Ground Laws,  have already shown that they are just another death, waiting to happen in our children.

We can no longer let the lies that the hunter will lose his guns or it is against the Constitution to interfere with the right to bear arms over ride our own common sense, while we let the power of those who run our Nation through preying on the ignorance of others to continue. It amazes me and should all of us, that the argument that if they don’t have a gun they will use a knife has led people to believe that as many people would die in as rapid succession with a knife as an assault rifle or a hand gun, has appeased the minds of those who pay membership into the NRA or those who are supposed Represent us in government.

The guns that are meant for self-defense or offense serve absolutely no needs and only adds to the destruction of the meat of the game animals and leads to the lost of human life. Military type weapons and ammunition do not belong in a home where our most innocent of people live or visit.  When the investigation is finished in New Town, Connecticut, we will do doubt hear as we always do, the guns that killed came from the home of the mother,  who was killed and who made the same mistake that too many others make and felt that a gun was safe in the home or would protect her.

Statistically, we kill many more people with guns of self-protection than lives we save as a result of owning the same. When 34 people per day or 32,000 people per year, die in America each year as a result of guns, then shouldn’t we start talking honestly about a person’s right to live over the rights of a person to own a gun?  When we compare our death rates with the use of a gun to those of 600 per year to Britain,who have much stricter gun laws, then something is terribly wrong when we don’t have meaningful dialog on the right of Americans to live over the right of a person to use a gun at will.

If we as a Nation place weapons into categories and then ban those categories we do not deny the hunter but instead deny those who would and do kill. If laws are enforced and placed on us to make us responsible for the handling of the weapon used for protection, then the unstable will not be able to own guns. When the Republican Party refused to reinstate the Brady bill in 2004 or the Violence Against Women Bill in 2011, they made it clear that it is not the people they are safe guarding and investing in, but the lobbyists instead.

When the NRA refuses to take action to ban bullets and ammunition when the only purpose they have, is to penetrate the vests of law enforcement, but instead lobbies millions into campaigns to guarantee the use of the same, then we the American public need to have our voices heard. When we demand that the responsible thing is done to keep all of us safe, then we will no longer need to ask “Why?” When irrational acts are done by those through irrational behavior, then we must as a Nation quit denying, “that guns do not kill but people do.” Without guns, irrational people cannot slaughter our young people or those who would protect them, in mass.

When guns are not kept safe in our homes or those who would use a gun to end life, knows where grandpa keeps the key, we must be held responsible for keeping guns and ammunition unprotected in our homes by the understanding that life is more precious than the need for recreational sport, with a fire arm.  Just as we wouldn’t turn rattle snakes loose in our homes or watch our children do drugs, and then deny that they would not kill, we must quit denying that guns do not kill.

There needs to be laws established to protect the gun as well as the people. If laws were made that would ban the use of a recreational gun, to those who it is not registered to and enforced by a stiff penalty of law, perhaps the most recent tragedy, just as in Columbine,would never have happened. If they refuse to pass the laws then we as responsible parents must understand that guns do kill.  Just as we do not offer our prescription drugs to children without penalty of law why would we offer a gun to anyone who it is not registered to use? Recreational guns could just as easily be stored at gun clubs or shooting ranges or stored in gun safes by responsible adults in the home. If we can put on a seat belt then surely we can safeguard the use of a gun.

We, the American People, can no longer let the memories of our children lost ,be in vain.  It does not matter if they died in Milwaukee, NewTown, Aurora, or on the streets of Detroit, Chicago or Philadelphia, their deaths just as their lives did, need to bring forward meaning to all of us. Their short-lived lives must stand for the end to the destruction done in our Nation by guns that only serve the purpose to kill our innocent people. We can no longer deny that the gun in the hands of the unstable kills.

These adults and children’s lives need to stand for the good in all of us that seeks out and demands the end to such tragedy in our Nation.  We cannot forget the trauma also experienced by the survivors in these terribly destructive killings of our loving adults and innocent children. We cannot allow such destructive behavior to continue to make our children to feel that adults do not stand for their need to feel safe. We cannot continue with the mentality that just because some one is a member of our family that their outbursts,with draw from Society, or fantasy of killing is normal.

When we as a Nation put politics, denial of reality, or sacristy of gun use in the hands of the unstable, over the sacristy of life, then we need to ask ourselves,” just how misconstrued is the American love of the gun over the value of life?”  We all need to take responsibility for common sense guiding us over a misconstrued value system.

Sadly the N.R.A. fights against any and all laws to use common sense in the handling of a gun and the storage of the same. Every lawyer knows and understands that any attempt to control the storage or use of a gun will lead to years of litigation by the N.R.A., just as every Conservative Democrats or Republican candidate understands it will lead to lost of their election run if they refuse to support the stand of the N.R.A.

Do not let the media fool you into believing it is as much Democrats as Republicans in Washington as less than 30 Democrats in Washington are Conservative out of  approximately 289 with only 47 Democrats,both liberal and Conservative in the Congress, as verses 196 Conservative Republicans including the Tea Party in the Republican Party married to the NRA.  When photo opts of our Republican leadership are taken in the presence of the NRA leadership representatives, each election year are seen as a proud moment of the Republican Party, then we need to ask, “Would our voices be louder than the lobbyists if we refused to vote for any candidate who protected or promoted the NRA and their colleagues’ memberships?”

Isn’t it going, “to take a village,” just as much as a city of people who are willing to stop the insanity of killings in our Nation and those who believe that we have a moral obligation to protect our children, to join together, to make the changes?  We have more than ample enough evidence to know that the politicians have no plan in doing anything but talking about it, because they are afraid to take a stand against the lobbyists.

Those politicians, who are committed to do otherwise, need our help and commitment to them at the election polls and need to hear our voices just as much as the law makers and politicians need to keep us safe. Do any of us even know who the Federal Judges in our States are, that we keep electing each election? I repeat:”When the voices and the votes of we the American people”, are counted and become more powerful than the lobbyists in Washington and our States, then we will have a Nation that protects its children.

If  we had spoken up as much for the rights of our children to be safe, as others did for the fetus, do any of us doubt that the politicians would act differently in the hours they put in, on the floor of the House or the Senate to protect our children against violence? When it comes to making and establishing gun laws, don’t we believe that if our voices are heard and our votes counted, that the politicians would develop more of a dialog in doing something to keep our children safe?

All the money paid the politicians by the lobbyists and men like Sam Adelson or the Koch Brothers cannot win an election for the politicians who refuse to act in the best interests of the American people if we simply refuse to vote for them or re-elect them.  The real power still lies in the hands of the common sense approach of the people, when we choose to invoke the same at the election polls.

When our voices and actions are as empty as the politicians, then the more powerful the Insurance lobbyists,NRA,and the American Insurance under writers will remain.  It is time that we make the changes in ourselves now, by moving forward instead of shaking our heads and passing the buck. I have enough faith in the power of the people to believe that we can make a difference in the safety of the lives of our children, so no other family has to ever suffer the tragedy taking place in our Nation today.

I am wishing everyone the Blessings of the Holiday Season and compassion for the grieving of those who have lost the most, along with those of us who have lost as a Nation. God Help us all.

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The Price We Pay

Too often I have heard throughout my lifetime, “It is not fair,” or “someone should do something about it,”or similar statements. We all know people who face the most tragic life’s lessons and still keep moving on without ever giving up, but too many of us refuse to accept or acknowledge the fact that there are others who suffer much worse hardships from our own.

There are those who believe,” that they need to do nothing to help others because they already get enough help” or “such and such is lucky” or “never had a problem in their lives.”  It has also been my experience that people who believe this are the first to react the most poorly when they chip a nail or break a heel off of their shoe or their car gets scratched or their tie begins to unravel.

The people who really learn the importance that we place on things is pretty shallow,are those who will be humbled in some way by life and learn from the experience when they do. It isn’t always fair and the suffering is often very real, but it is how we accept or deal with the tragedies of life, that is the real test of mankind.  We can always rebuild things and many times re-heal bodies but if we give up or curse others,the price we pay can and will lead to defeat. Even when we exhaust all possibilities there does come the day that we must accept our own limitations and embrace the factors that make us the person we are, the person we accept. Often times in life we are presented with  re-inventing a new way to live life to its best abilities without making comparisons in life.

I certainly am not suggesting that we do not grieve an important lost of a  home,job,or even health.  What I am saying is that the longer we dwell on the injustice of the same, the longer we ultimately pay a price much larger than what we ever should have had to pay.  When we look at others and say, “they are lucky,” too many times we are being unrealistic about the sacrifices they made in order to achieve their success or giving ourselves an excuse for the fact that we would rather quit, drink beer, or shop than make the sacrifices needed. When we recognize that no one escapes life without a few bruises and some heart ache we realize that the difference is in how they handle or recover from the lost, is what sometimes separates them from us.

The reality is, people who are willing to get back up and dust themselves off following failure or mistakes,which we all will face at some point or time in our lives, will succeed with each time they vow to come back better than ever.  It has to be there in action and without resentment or fear overcoming our determination to move on or to begin again. As long as we have people in our lives we all will either experience the just or unjust.

Anyone of us can be grateful when things are going our way, the difficult part is learning gratitude when we feel that our life is not, by seeking out what is good in our lives.  No one will ever experience a life where they do not have something or someone good in it, unless they flee from it or reject the idea or the person who does support them. Other times it is our own gift of determination and awareness that refuses to give up, that makes us get up and move on. It is when we waste time blaming others that we weaken our own chances to start over again. When we understand the lesson taught us we will reach gratitude in the process, even though our loss may seem insurmountable in the beginning.  Starting over can be the best thing we ever do, if we learn from our past. If we refuse to accept our own role in it, then too often we will fail. It is the price we pay that often becomes our best teacher in life and teaches us gratitude for the lessons learned.

Life often gets down to how we deal with the insignificant that too often gets blown out of proportion. Sometimes we do find people are in the right place at the right time but too often we refuse to accept that it is not a place that we would ever have traveled to or a job we would have wanted or were qualified for taking. People who base everything on the almighty dollar often fail to understand or appreciate the joy found around the table of a family who has food on the table or a person who is content with just having the people in their lives that they do.

Life for most of us is as rewarding as the lessons it teaches us and the price we pay for it. It is when we learn not to repeat the mistakes but to be grateful for the lessons learned that we become comfortable with what we accept as our own success. When we hear people complain that they just never got the breaks another person did, too many times it was under their own feet but they refused to take the next step or  make the right move that would have given them more.

People do determine their own goals early in life.  It does appear that some people make one mistake and pay for it all of their lives while others mess up all the time and end up a success.  We fail to see that each time the person messes up they often learn what will or wont work towards their own goals.  What made the difference is that they were not afraid to start all over again. We all have different ideas of what exactly success is;for some it is wealth but for many others it is being comfortable in their own body by giving more of themselves than what they took  in life.  A proud Father or Mother can find joy in the Children that become adults and in the way they repeat the lessons taught them.  Many will find a warm roof over their head a welcoming step that predicts the success of their lives.  As people we are not all looking for the same ideas or have the same beliefs, but whatever steps we take we have to be willing to learn from them.

What is happening with all the excuses and the blame being passed around in the Conservative movement as well as the Republican Party,following the election, is the same thing that makes them fail to understand their own mistakes.  Unless and until they accept the responsibility for their own failure to hear the majority of voters, they are bound to repeat their mistakes again and again. We can all take a lesson from their failure to take responsibility for accepting their own mistakes and their own out of touch sensibilities to the needs of the people.

My husband and I together began our lives in poverty with him being a student and my working towards paying his tuition right along with his working a part-time job.  What we had together, was an education and it is what opened the door that began our future towards retiring well.  We have been poor and we know how it feels to go without eating because there was no money nor anyone who we would accept help from, if it had been offered.  We had a great deal of pride and determination to achieve over what we had money in our pockets.

We have been lower middle class and upper middle class and will retire comfortably. It didn’t just happen without our going without along the way.  Even today I just buy enough clothes and shoes to cover me.  The biggest waste of money a couple will ever make is on clothing, despite this idea,” that we must dress for success.”  A few good pieces of clothing intermixed with other pieces is all that is really necessary, to “dress for success.” If we do make it to CEO or are CFO of  a large firm, where this makes a difference, the wardrobe will be compensatory in the wages, as well.

As my husband retires and we plan the next journey of our life I know personally that the places that we have lived and the things we have done will take their right of passage just as they indicate the sacrifices we were willing to make. The employers we had that rewarded hard work, parents who taught us how to live morally,and the schools we came from,all figure into the success that we worked for as well as the children we raised into adulthood, who will contribute to the success of their own lives.

We could never have accomplished what we did on our own, as it took finding an appreciative and grateful employer who was willing to reward our hard work.  It took me a lifetime of living with chronic physical pain, while accepting my own limitations but helping others with the problems in life they faced, and the two of us never giving up on our dream. It is about accepting the price we pay in life and not letting it get us down nor spending a moments notice on what someone else had.  As we drive away to explore the next journey in our lives and to once more view the great beauty of America and her people,I pray that we accept what lies around the corner just as we always have. Too many times we let bitterness replace the gratitude for the lessons we should have learned, for the price we paid in living. Be grateful everyone and have a great day!

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Emotions Denied

Many times in a marriage or a close relationship and while raising children we will see emotions that not only appear out-of-place but they are,for instance, depressed people will quite often laugh or people who have feelings that are hurt will get angry when both would do better to acknowledge their feelings have been hurt or they are feeling sad.  To often relationships will end or be pulled apart because we do not understand our own emotions.

In dysfunctional homes, which comprises of the majority of homes, children are not allowed  to have or to express emotions or worse yet, they are mocked for having these feelings.  As a result of stilted emotions in childhood, many of us do grow up in denial of our own true emotions.  Boys and men have been told for generations that a show of emotion is a sign of weakness just as women have heard for years that they are too emotional to lead. We now know both are the thinking of backward beliefs. We need to know that the Leaders of  business and the World do care about those who they lead and that they will make decisions affecting all of us based, on their concern for our needs and futures.

We just had an election where all Americans were concerned because Romney did not show emotions so we felt the candidate lacked sincerity.  Emotions that are denied in both genders often leads instead to stilted leadership and unfair practices in both business and government and leaves people feeling that the person lacking any show of the same is untrustworthy. When we deny or hide emotion we cause an imbalance of stress in not only our lives but those who share our life with us.

Those under the most stress will often deny that they have stress while often times those who cause stress in other people’s’ lives will be the first to complain that they are under a great deal of stress. Sometimes they are taking their own stress out on others but many times it is used as an excuse for poor behavior on their part as well.  People other times are relieving their stress on others, without even being aware that they are. Determining our own stress related causes is especially important due to the many stressed related diseases that do lead to death in not only ourselves but our loved ones as well.  When it does not affect our health,which is rare indeed, it often leads to the end of really important relationships in our lives.

Too many times we just keep going on and never-changing our patterns in life and in doing so the stress builds up in us.  In areas where noises are constant such as  traffic noises, or trains and planes passing, we may be suffering stress and be totally unaware of the stress caused by noise factors.  Parents have been yelling at children for generations because the loud music teenagers often play, may be relaxing to some, while it causes stress in others.

When children feel stressed we quite often find that they will begin to bicker with each other.  When they are not under stress they will play together in harmony.  When we buy a child under stress a gift or set them in front of a television we do nothing to alleviate the stress they are feeling.  If we send them to their room instead of setting them down and asking them why they are exhibiting inappropriate behavior their stress will continue to build. Other times if we ask them to think about why they are behaving the way they are and to report back to us when they have figured it out, they will come up with their own answers. Other times they will blame others before they understand that their own emotions are coming from eternal changes happening in their own bodies.

Children are no different from adults in that to often, instead of dealing with the truth of their emotions, they will blame the closest to them for their own bad behavior.  Many times it is, we the parents who are accused to be at fault by our children and too many times,out of a feeling of guilt, because we parents have not dealt with our own emotions, we will reward instead of punish their bad behavior.   There are many different ways in childhood, when stress occurs, and our emotions get dismissed,ignored, or criticized. If we reward bad behavior instead of discussing it because we are buying off our own unresolved guilt we can create a monster no differently than we create the same future adult through cruel and abusive treatment in childhood. Other times bad behavior is better explained through chemical imbalances in the brain and our children need early intervention at this time.

When we add abusive punishment to an already stressed child we risk ending up with two kinds of adult behaviors.  We may either have very angry adults or we have adults who live in denial of their own emotions, so they stuff their feelings instead of acknowledging them and releasing their emotions through expression.  When people stuff down  their emotions  they often exhibit their emotions in other ways such as in over spending or shopping, being overtly sexual in their behavior, turning to drugs and alcohol,weight gain or lost,or excessive sleeping.

Many dismissed or ignored emotions are the explanation for why angry adults are not aware their own anger lies in hurt feelings from childhood instead, and why they live and breathe the idea that others are to blame when they become angry or withdraw.  Too often we hear abused partners in a marriage or a relationship say but they are so kind and thoughtful when they are not angry.Other times adults will withdraw emotionally and use it as a form of control over others who are left wondering, sometimes due to their own insecurities, if they said or did something wrong.  Both behaviors are terribly destructive not just in the life of adults but in the lives of children as well. When we give children excuses for poor behavior without taking time to understand their bad behavior they will often times grow up and excuse poor behavior in others and sadly it does reach the point that they accept abusive behavior through the reasoning that they love the abuser or they become the abuser themselves.

When we do leave abusive relationships because we recognize how destructive they are to us, we need to get professional help, many times, to understand what it was in us that allowed someone else to mistreat us.  If we try to go back into a relationship without resolving our own emotions or discussing our differences with them, we will only repeat the mistakes of our past. They will not change or become less abusive just because we wish them to.

If the other person in the relationship, tells us they want to start all over and leave the past unresolved, too often we only rehurt ourself all over again because the same words or behavior that hurt us in the past will keep reoccurring unless both of us are strong enough to talk it through and to put an end to it that is welcoming and calming to both of us.  Just because we wish to change does not mean they do as well.  Too often people who live their lives blaming someone other than themselves, also die that way.We often find this to be true when adult children try to make up with a parent or spouses try to reunite.

Stress related diseases are not found in the remains of the caveman so how do we explain that foraging for food and not knowing if they ate or not was not stressful? The explanations can be as complicated or as simple as we make them.  More than likely, it is the simple explanations; they did not know differently because they lived in an isolated environment in communes where everyone else shared their same lifestyle,  competition to succeed was not a part of their environment, nor were outside aggravations from other influences that affect modern man a part of their lives, everyone was dependent on everyone else in their group for their survival so when problems arose or they needed to hunt together,they worked the problems out through communication or they were not pressed for time because their lives were less complicated.  The stress that we experience was not a part of their lives and therefore the stress related diseases that we see today, were not present either.

There are a number of ways that we can relieve stress that do not cost money and bankrupt us as adults with the most important one being to listen to our children and to validate their feelings.  We can go out together as a family for pizza, to the park, or camp out and go fishing, go to the beach, take time out of our busy days to walk together or to set together at the dinner table and discuss our days.  The things that we do with our children together, is  what helps make them grow up as calm adults.  Placing them in an activity while we send them in a car pool does not replace that family time that children crave.

In a relationship men need male bonding as much as women need female companionship.  If we do not trust our relationship or marriage enough to accept that there will be times in all of our relationships and marriages that we need to give each other space then, more than likely, we should not make plans to commit to the relationship for life.  Trust is the necessary foundation of all relationships and without it we are only lying to ourselves if we cannot trust enough to let go.  Women quite often need to release stress through hobbies or crafts just as men do through sports or hunting or both need space to paint or write.  It is o.k. to play or watch sports, to hunt or share a hobby together, but to become inseparable when we are young, will usually cause more problems in the relationship than what we will find when we give each other the space we each need, to develop our own interests and responsibilities separately,occasionally.

When we are dealing with a marriage or an adult relationship, many times it is a necessity to have space from each other. We both should be aware of the person who refuses us the necessary space because they could very well be possessive or interested in forming a relationship of co-dependence, that shuts out all of our other important friendships and family members.  It is not always the inseparable couple who are the happiest.  Quite often it is the opposite of a happy couple, but instead a smothered couple.

In any relationship it helps to have other interests that gives us space as we need separate space just as much as we need shared space.  Sometimes when days off are limited, in marriages as in friendships,or families, it does help to take separate vacations if our interests are not shared.When we are a young family then it is always  wise to use our days off to expose our children to other parts of the Country or World so they are not intimidated when they need to move on with their own lives.  It does us well to understand that vacation time can be just as stressful on children as it can be on adults.  It’s always best to start with short trips and limited days until they get older.

Absence may not make our hearts grow fonder, so to speak, but we often find out that the reason we are feeling bad has nothing to do with the person we are blaming but everything to do with our own inability to deal with our own unresolved emotions from another happenstance in our lives, when we make space for ourselves and take time to reflect. This does not mean that we do not make shared time and interests just as much of a priority and we remain close as a couple because if we spend too much time apart we can become a high risk couple as well.  Like everything in life it is about balance while recognizing the importance of sharing our time as well.

I caution all of us to think before we find our own behavior destroying our own lives, when we instead are blaming it on others who truly do care about us and are innocent of our own hurt feelings or anger. At the same token, I caution everyone to think equally as hard about the solutions that will be resolved prior to going back to an old abusive relationship or starting a new one, since past behavior often indicates future behavior. When people begin lying to themselves about their emotional history, in order to believe their own lies or to embrace denial, reality is no longer their long suit and they become totally unaware of the fact that they are lying to themselves as well as their loved ones.

Sometimes  people,who refuse to accept responsibility for their own poor behavior, really are at fault when it comes to the hurt in us. We are in trouble if we are making too many excuses for them by rewarding bad behavior and taking responsibility for it ourselves. Other times we may be blaming others because of our own unresolved emotions. If we do not allow people to mistreat us they cannot mistreat us but we need to be certain it isn’t we who are mistreating ourselves the most.

If we cannot resolve these issues on our own it often saves the best relationships we will ever have, if we seek out professional help, before we end the relationships. If communications are impossible because they refuse to take shared responsibility for the problems in our relationships or we refuse to hear what they are saying, then we need help.  We cannot force others to view the problems the same way we do or see problems when they were not aware that any existed.

If we cannot afford counseling then a good friend who understands what makes others tick, because they have experience in life, may be able to help us, as long as we do not blame them for failing to say the things we want to hear.  If we find them agreeing with us instead of pointing out both sides, then seek out someone else because they are not challenging us to see beyond our already written in the stone beliefs. People tell us not to make rash judgements for a reason with the main reason being ,when we do, we often hurt ourselves far worse than we do anyone else if we fail to deal with our own emotions,first.

Be kind and know that unless we resolve our own emotional history we will not find the joy we seek nor will we find it in someone else.  It is true, “that familiarity often breeds contempt,” because those who truly care about us are the closest to us.  Many times we also know them better than they know themselves, and we make it more difficult for them to make excuses or to lie to themselves when they know, we know the truth, and they refuse to take responsibility for their own emotions or behavior.

We can also be the first hurt by those who are in denial of their own emotions, as we are the ones who often get lied about the most since the goal of the person in denial is to protect that denial at all cost. As difficult as it is in the beginning, if they are not willing to deal with reality in time, we begin to feel the relief of being out of their drama and realize the value of being free from the same, once we do heal.

No one but ourselves can make us happy or at peace with others.Nor is it their job to do so. Other people can add to or compliment our own happiness or joy only if we have already found happiness through our own approval of self, and acceptance of others’ rights to find their own happiness with or without us. At the same token other people can only destroy that inner-peace in us, if we give them permission to do so.

It is very difficult work that is involved and often takes years of laying our heads on the pillow content with knowing we do feel complete because we have given much more to life than we have subtracted from it. We also must be aware that to be real, our contentment in life never wavers no matter how many times it gets challenged,as it will be challenged many more times in life. We cannot mistake what I am writing about with the narcissists who feel they are entitled to everything they get.

We must be cognizant of the fact there are people who are more content with being a victim,due to their delayed or stunted emotional growth, than they are with being a winner. We need to accept that many times those we think we are the closest to are the most toxic to us, just as we must learn to accept those we think are our enemy often times are our best friend. People prove their loyalty to us time and time again but sadly too many people often put their faith in those who don’t support them, because the people they protect lead them into believing they are a victim.

It is the nature of mankind to react to tragedy and injustice when we see it and if we are not selfish by nature, we offer help and support, to those who truly do suffer.  Unfortunately there are those who prey on that factor and want us to feel they are a victim as well.  Too many times those who do not deal with their own emotional history will  use our naivety or kindness to their advantage to manipulate those of us who do care. It especially occurs in those who do not take a good long hard look at themselves and ask,”Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes and hurting myself in the process.

It is nice to write about something other than politics again and now that we are done celebrating our Country’s victory, some of us need to get to work on our own victories. It often entails hard work when we do wish to be honest with ourselves and others. The efforts to know ourselves are greatly rewarded when we do.

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We Find Our Own Happiness

This post is going to relate to my own interpretation of joy and happiness as I have experienced it, as most of my posts do.I’m sure many an expert will disagree with points that I make, but in the end, I have come to appreciate that none of us can base our own lives on what someone else thinks, but instead on what we know to be true.

I have never felt the need to discriminate against anyone, once I matured into an adult.As a result,I have been befriended by both the wealthy and the poor, as well as,different belief systems, genders and races, and I find what is true with one of us, is true about all of us.

We are all looking for happiness and contentment, in life. Many of us who have children will put their happiness first, until it does dawn on us that the things we buy for ourselves or our children, have a very short shelf life.

If we do not change our direction in thinking, “buying makes us happy,” too many times, we will resent our own children or others, that we buy for,because they lack appreciation. Even when we know that the problem is our own spending habits and we are going broke,doing so, some of us will need to learn. “We don’t always get our cake and eat it too.”.We need to understand that people who wish to do for themselves,will resent our continuous need to make ourselves feel better,at their expense, because many times in our need to buy, we only make them feel obligated to us.

It is the things that we do as well as the words we use to express our feelings towards others that, often times, brings happiness to both of us. Just a smile to a stranger, can many times turn the direction of both of our days. When we choose to smile back we share our own happiness with them.

I had been spending a great deal of my time with a wealthy person in my youth, so when the person who showed up in my life, neither had her front teeth and the sole on her shoe, was loose, the first thing that was most obvious to me, was how happy she was living such an uncomplicated life.

After having listened to the wealthy complain about having to attend another, “black tie,” function, that she was dreading attending, but worried she would be shunned if she did not, it was such a breath of fresh air to spend time with the woman, who had raised her family, and did not have a care in the world. She was retired living primarily on her social security check, but since she enjoyed good health and neither wanted or needed much, her life was her own. She was content and settled with her poverty and peace of mind.

In my estimation, all human beings are made up of the body the mind and the soul, or if you prefer,our mental,physical and spiritual well-being. When we over-balance attention to another and neglect the other, we feel restless or discontent with ourselves. If we tune into our own feelings, we will not turn the negatives that we feel within ourselves onto others.

People who have learned to express themselves through crafts,art, or creative talent can bring peace to their mental well-being but if we never deal with the problem that drives us to be unhappy, we only delay the root of the problem.We need to get to the bottom of what it is that truly is upsetting us, since we need to give equal attention to the balance of our physical,spiritual and mental parts. In short we place a band-aid on an arterial bleed that needs to be sewn shut, if we only live for the minute or the short time, without healing our own pain or looking for happiness that we can trust.

As I have mentioned in past posts, too often, the victims will feel guilt or the victimizers will pass blame.When we have been traumatized, we need to talk about it and heal it, with those who can help us. If we neither confront the truth and heal it, we deny ourselves happiness.No one can make us happy if we are ready to accept being miserable nor can we be happy unless we are happy with ourselves.

Plenty of people can interfere with our own happiness, if we allow them to, but no one but ourselves,can make us happy.No one is responsible for our seeking happiness and unless we do, we will too many times blame others, when we are not happy. Once we do establish happiness with ourselves then people in our lives can either add to or subtract from it, because we have let their emotions or upsets affect how we view or accept life.

Happiness is more than just an attitude. It is what comes from inside of us so that we live and breathe it, while sharing it with others. If we find it is impossible to maintain our own happiness,without using alcohol,drugs,out working everyone else in an effort to avoid our home, or buying things, then we do need to evaluate the reasons why, we are not making the changes that will and do lead to our own happiness.

Sometimes it can be the negative crowd or group, we hang with. We do, too many times, become like the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes it is because we do not feel good, and we cannot feel that any of us are going to feel good, when we feel physically,mentally, or spiritually, rotten.

When we know that we are a worse person with others, because we lower our own mental and spiritual well-being,in an effort to be included or fit in, we are not going to be happy, unless we do make the changes that will lead to becoming the person we wish to be.

When we over-look the truth and surround ourselves in denial, then we also are not being realistic about our own happiness. Perhaps we are the leader of the bunch, when it comes to a joyless group. We won’t know unless we try to change the direction within the group,first.

Many times, we will find it is our own lack of happiness that is spreading over all of the group. When we laugh because we are happy, they many times will laugh with us. However if they are laughing at us, then we can be certain, that we are not the leader.

The mean-spirited will always believe those who are hurt or get hurt as a result of their words or actions, are just too sensitive, so why do we stay? Happiness is a habit that is very real and is part of who we are. We find it within ourselves. We do not shove it onto others. We do not use it to judge others. We wake up with it and take it to bed with us. It lives within us when we are happy being the person we are.

We find happiness in children, who live in the present, because they can trust Mom and Dad to take care of everything. Happiness brings us back to the present, because we don’t have to worry about what we are going to do, as we already know our strengths and weaknesses.

We know or are reasonably certain, that we will react or respond according to a good day or a poor day, and as a result of how we are feeling about, ourselves. We know it all may change tomorrow but when or if it does, we can trust ourselves just like we always have before, because a Power higher than us has the last word. Happiness is truly all about feeling good about who we are and trusting our motives, as well as our love, without finding fault and blame in others.

Everyone else in our life are the extras who bring us joy or sometimes disappointment, if we incorrectly assume anything about them or try to control them. We have learned that not all relationships are meant to last. We don’t worry so much who will be there for us because we have provided, as well as, possible for our own needs.

We miss you but understand our differences were too great to over come, for one of us if not both of us, or we understand that our lives were intended to take a different path or the Dear Lord was ready for you. We have grieved and healed from the lost, and understand that we only get to live this life once so we put in the hard work to live happy!It begins with one step at a time, towards changing ourselves.

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Setting Standards In Our Life

To leave out any confusion, for those who scoff at placing rules in our homes, and maybe are confused otherwise; Setting standards in our family, that we will all live by as well as expect our children to live by, are setting rules in our homes.

By being consistent with the enforcement of the rules we establish harmony in our homes, as well as eliminate confusion over what we expect of our child or children because we ask no less of ourselves. The rules or standards, are not unjust,too lenient, or too strict. We do the same when we set the standards in all of our lives, and that is why we know how to set them, and where to draw the line.

Too many times we set standards for ourselves and others that are simply too high to accomplish or do the reverse and set the bar too low. When we are looking for a job, someone to commit to, planning to provide for our children’s future, or what we will do to contribute to Society, we need to be realistic.

Many times we will blame life for not giving us the break it gave everyone else, when in truth, we did have the opportunity that everyone else gets but because we doubted or over-rated our own ability to perform, that of our child’s or spouse’s or felt it was beneath us, we passed on opportunity when it was right in front of our own noses.

If we are self-employed and constantly set the bids too high because our standard of living needs more, we often price ourselves out of what could have been a lucrative future if we had been more realistic about the competition we would be competing against. When we are willing to let the Company hiring, indicate what they feel is fair, and we take the lost income now, we will many times find that our exposure to others,while doing that job, can many times lead to meeting the people who will give us the break, if not finding it in the Company, where we currently work.

Although Companies are slower to show loyalty themselves, they still look for it in people, who give them loyalty. Many times they will remember we were willing to work for less and reward us accordingly,the longer we stay with them. Other times they will keep us on, when the next layoffs come around.It will never be the concern of Companies to make certain we can maintain our own standards of living, but instead, our responsibility to lower our own costs by eliminating wasteful spending.

If we understand that all people age and change their appearance and our only criteria in looking for a spouse is appearance, we are going to end up with something quite different, once we are married for a few years. Their character as well as their potential to adapt to their surroundings over trying to control it or us, along with the level of communication they exert, will offer us far more in the future, when life does become difficult.

Those who are continually angry or teary eyed or bitchy now, will not improve with age or commitment. The person that says,”I fell in love with them because they liked what I liked,” is often more in love with themselves than they are with us. We need to realize that the dating period is as phony as we are, since we both are on our best behavior. He or she are trying to impress us, as much as, we are them. Many times when they are rushing the courtship it is because they know they will not be able to fake it,for long.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that we cannot force people to think as we do anymore than we can force loyalty out of others or make them love us. If we see things, while dating, that are throwing up warning signals we need to listen to our common sense and pay attention to what we are sensing is a problem. The lies and behavior, we are picking up on now, will be part of our own hell, later, when we refuse to listen to those warnings now.

For those who are confused as to the saying, “The wedding cake is the most dangerous food of all,”I will explain what it means here. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we fall in love. We will do things unimaginable for the person that we have fallen in love with. Many will lower their own standards and the most honest of people can become liars. Many times jealousy or the inability to hang onto our spouses’ fidelity will lead to murder or criminal behavior on the part of those who would never have believed it years earlier.

2500 pregnant women who are mostly married, will be killed yearly by their spouses who professed to want children. When we telly the record of battered people in a marriage who are killed or injured and add the number who marry us for both our income or life insurance, those numbers go through the roof.

We need to sit standards before we fall in love and stand by them once we do. If we fail to marry character, but instead marry the bad boys or the wild girls, we will become part of what is bad and wild about them. We will not fix or change them and that we can take to the bank and bank on it.It maybe the only thing bankable in the entire relationship. As soon as they become bored,which is frequently, we will become history and hope that we still have our lives intact. Even though they may not want us, they often, make certain no one else will get us either.

I have written enough on children to make us open our own eyes to what direction we need to take in my previous posts but I would also like to add, that average intelligent children, do not make straight A’s unless our own pressure forces them into cheating or we hire tutors to help them.

When cheating happens we need to make certain that they are doing their own homework at home because they will rarely be caught by their teachers. Most of us would not be able to figure out their systems either. If we have average intelligence in our children, they obviously will not be getting 4 year full paid scholarships.

We need to make it both our child’s priority by having them earn income as well as our own savings will need to go into that pursuit.Lower income scholarships,not based on grades, statistically go to those living below the poverty line. Middle class students with average ability and average intelligence, who do not live below poverty, will get the least in both scholarships and loans. Buying a car when they turn 16, obviously will not be part of the plan, if education comes first.

When it comes time for all of us to give back to Society, we will need to look at our own strengths and weaknesses and decide for ourselves, where we will be able to contribute the most,in the best way that we can. If we have been doing nothing but taking or even if we are not always being paid for what we do, we have a responsibility to offer our thanks for the gifts of freedom and Democracy, we all enjoy.We need to educate ourselves in the way we will vote, that will protect both our freedoms and Democracy, and understand voting is the responsibility of all of us.

We find our own niche in life, by first finding maturity and character in ourselves and then in our spouse, by raising children who will make a positive difference in Society because they learned from our own example, as well as the guidance we instilled in them, and by giving back to America. When we set standards high enough for all to reach but not so high they or we, are bound to fail, we take responsibility for our own successes of life.

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Cont…..But He Is A Good Father

The two biggest arguments that women use when staying in an abusive relationship are:”I still love him,” and “He is a good father.”

If we could get through the message to people who are abused that it takes both people to show and express love and that love does not hurt then perhaps the abused would look at their relationships more realistically. I’m not sure how we do that,myself, as many times the abused have been told so many times “how worthless they are.” many are convinced that they and their children can not survive if they do leave the marriage. All I do know for certain is that telling women that they do have a duty and obligation to go back to the marriage bed and to try harder to work with their husbands and to pray does not work and often leads to tragedy to the entire family.

All the favorite meals,mood lightening, and following detail to the explicit demands of an abuser does nothing towards stopping the abuse, either. One of the other problems of abuse is many times when women do say, “I don’t have time to do what he wants today,” and he does come home and beats her,she will think it is her fault because she did not follow orders. The abused do start believing that they are as dumb,fat, and ugly as they are being told they are by the abuser. They all forgive and promise they will never do it again,of course,but it never last. During the forgiveness period many are that sweet loveable person the women fell in love with and they become convinced they are deeply in love and could never leave, all over again. Living in fear becomes a rush and if it does not become comfortable then it becomes normal for them, the longer it goes on. It becomes easier all the time to deny all of the rest.

Of course, a parent who is thinking clearly, would never say,”He mistreats me but he is a good father.” We all understand that children cannot watch turmoil between their parents and come out with anything but psychological damage as a result of it.We know that whether children are watching abuse take place on others or it being inflicted on themselves, it alters the personality of the person they were meant to be as early as 3 years of age. To cause this kind of damage to a child does not make any of us a good parent when we realize that this type of harm or damage will affect the entire life of our children. They will grow up totally confused as to how to effectively deal with a relationship and many times will abuse themselves.

Other times the children come out just as demoralized as the battered women because just as she has no self-esteem or identity beyond him neither do the children. The sons will often repeat the same disgusting names to both their mother or sisters as are coming out of the mouth of the abuser.Many times he learns that the only value women have is to wait on and look after a man. The sons learn to bully and the daughters learn to withdraw, other times sons will become intimidated and withdraw while daughters become more aggressive and tend to become more sexually active when incest, many times becomes part of the abuse as well. This is typical behavior patterns when the abused are saying.”He is a good father.” no differently than when the children are being beaten as well.

Policemen can pick up the mentally ill and have them hospitalized without family approval in cases of discovery according to the Baker law. The problem is that putting women into shelters under the same circumstances will often times jeopardize the safety of the other abused women who are in hiding. If the victims do not want to go or be there, which is often the case, they will get ahold of their abusers and let them know where they are and once the secret address of the shelter becomes known then the safety it offers for other abused victims no longer exists.

Like all of the problems that do seem unsolvable there are solutions once an entire community of experts put their heads together to come up with different ideas. Sadly that all costs money and time and too many do not have one or the other to offer to the group. I am the first to admit that I do not have much to offer in way of solution,myself. I just understand that as long as we ourselves go into denial when our friends tell us they ran into something that gave them the black eye,because we do not want to embarrass our friend,we do the abused a disservice by not discussing it. Too many are ashamed to talk about it but once confronted by understanding instead of accusations, when the relationship is a close one,many times they will want to talk.

If we educate ourselves on the knowledge available to them like going to see their Doctor or the police and enquire about getting into a shelter or they will only repeat the behavior until it becomes worse, we can help empower them. Offering sympathy will only make them feel better temporary and they will go back to the abuse. Other times they will rely on us for their courage and do nothing else, Many times when the abuser finds out the abused are relying on a confidant they will end the relationship. I repeat, we need to empower them to get help so they do not rely on our hand holding but instead rely on their own ability to seek help.

Currently in some of the States when police are being called to domestic calls, both the abuser and the victim are being arrested and spend the night in jail or at least a couple of hours until things cool down a little. I do not think putting abused victims in jail is right but if we did pass laws that made protecting abuse and abusers illegal in our State, perhaps the abused could be hospitalized and at least kept long enough to try to work with the mental damage that is often done to the entire family by an abuser. I can already see the problems that could come out of that as well, and that is why abuse is such a difficult problem to work with and to solve.

Like everything else that is preventive, we simply need to learn and educate ourselves while we are dating and making lifetime choices for a mate. If he or she strikes or hits us or throws things at us, while dating, he or she will become much worse after marriage. Dating is the time that we are on the best of behavior and any names being thrown at us while dating will go from being cute to vindictive after marriage. Anger that is not part of the grieving process very rarely subsides without being able to release it. Healthy people will talk to someone or get professional help in order to either let go or to work more effectively around it. Others hide it behind alcohol and drugs. If we are doing both with the abusers while dating then we need to understand the hell we will put our children through if we marry them and continue the same recreational behavior.

All parents need to know and understand just how important an education beyond highschool is to all of our children. Both boys and girls. Too many times the number one reason that our children do stay in an abusive situation is because of the fear that they could not financially support their children alone,as well as, they can by staying in the abusive situation. Education does not only give them the out to do that but it also establishes the confidence in our children that often leads to their knowing they deserve better and to get out before any more damage is done to their children or our grandchildren. None of the expensive birthday parties or clothes that we are currently buying them will lead to the success of their lives as an education will. Even though abuse does also exist in the educated, it is considerably less, and nothing empowers our children like an education does.

Whatever lays ahead for abuse I feel it needs to be dealt with,as it lies at the root cause of what Americans should be most ashamed of, as well as, is twin to crime, in America today. To just wash our hands and give up or worse yet to blame the victims and do nothing, when we are so much better as a Nation than that,shows poorly against us all.At the same time I applaud all of you who have dedicated their years and time working towards finding solutions only to find out that the root problem towards solutions does lie in the victims themselves, who have been so deeply brainwashed in fear or have learned to adapt to it,to the point they do refuse help offered to them,too many times.Somewhere there is a bridge that will join the gap that does lead to successful treatment and my faith is in the fact that we will find it. Thanks to all of you who are looking.

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Will We Ever Stop Abusers?

Until we can make women and men understand and realize that the only way we can stop abuse is for adult people, who are being abused, to empower themselves,abuse will always remain.Unless we accept the reality of it happening in one out of every three homes on every block in every town,city or village, and being protected by our Christian-Judeo Society with the power of the right-wing, Tea Party and special interest groups in their corner, abuse will remain the corner-stone of crime in America.

If you have been reading my posts then you understand that I write about taking responsibility for ourselves and teaching our children to do the same. We women cannot get stronger as long as we all hold the hand of the women who are being abused, since in doing so we continue weakening them as well as ourselves. Instead we need to point out to women who will and do protect abuse and abusers what their responsibilities are and help to empower them against such treatment. Sitting in judgment of them or pointing fingers and finding blame, is no better than offering sympathy and doing nothing.

If they do get the courage to leave then we need to be certain that they are kept safe by making laws that will keep them safe as well as providing the necessary support systems that they will need. We have already made good gains in those areas and now we must convince them through our Churches that love does not hurt. Divorce is acceptable when the protection of our families are at stake. As long as abused and neglected children are growing up to become criminals and being put to death, then we need to empower ourselves into knowing and understanding that we cannot be treated like second class citizens or worse, unless we allow ourselves to be treated that way.

We know that anger-management classes that are court ordered for abusive people,whether men or women fail. We know the laws are set up to let men off sometimes in a matter of months when they kill their children and wives and are found guilty of manslaughter. Women will serve much longer if not the full 20 years, when they kill the abusers. We know that rapist and pedophiles are never cured.

We know that men have been viewed for centuries as being weak if they cannot control their women.We offer very little in the form of help or understanding for men who are victims of abuse.A real man settles his differences with fist in many parts of our Society.

We know 9 million Morman people believe women cannot go to Heaven unless a man takes them there. We know the many other millions into the billions of women have been brain washed into believing it is their duty to serve their man and make them happy regardless of how they are being treated in return. They do tell the men they must respect their women,wink wink.

Is there any wonder that bullies start out on the playgrounds of school and grow up to bully all their lives? We as a Society are clearly condoning if not promoting the superiority of men in a Christian-Judeo environment. When we add ignorance to power we get abuse.

Unless we women empower ourselves to realize that the only way our children will be safe is for women to be safe, then abuse will never stop.As long as we concern ourselves about abortion then we will never concern ourselves about the real problem and that is our own safety and empowerment.

We know that in families where men and sons are being waited on that the sons will grow up and expect it of their wives. We also know that young girls are growing up being taught that the only future they do have is to serve her man and make babies that they cannot afford to educate if they were not already being taught that education is the damnation of all mankind,anyway.

We know there is more abuse in these families than there is in families that teach equality. We know that Church goers are being taught that people who teach equality in a marriage and home are no good liberals spreading lies in order to defeat religion,such as myself. We know that if men hit they do not stop hitting.The few that do leave women living in fear with the words and anger that continues. We know their sons will grow up and do the same. We also know when mothers abuse their daughters grow up to abuse as well. Both men and women are abused.

We know that when men and women are abused so are the children abused. We know far more women are abused by the cowards who are bigger and stronger than they are and the only defense a woman has against the men is a weapon, unless they are granted all of our Blessings and Dispensations to leave the marriage without making them feel guilt. We know the scars left on children watching mom being beaten or killed will travel hurt and harm through at least three, if not more, of the generations of that family.

We know that if we believe that incest is in low numbers and we keep the real numbers protected, then people will be less concern about young women who are abused and less understanding of the need for abortion. We know if we can keep women’s’ emotions upset over abortion then we can get them to vote for the right-wing and tea party candidates who want to change the Constitution to deny equal rights.

We know that poverty and prostitution is the number one cause of abortion and yet there is a movement under way, that does not seem to concern the religious community, to legalize prostitution. The fact that it has served the pleasure of the superior male species only and has not been considered adultery in past history and existed since the days of the bible makes it acceptable,sadly. Even when it is the number one cause of death in young women either through, disease,murder or addiction.

I have only scratched the surface of why abuse happens and if not smiled on, certainly we are and have been blinding ourselves to the truth of it since the beginning of time. The only way we can stop it is by women taking responsibility for their own poor behavior because men never will give up the place of superiority over women unless we women make it clear that we and our children will no longer tolerate being treated that way. We begin today by educating ourselves.

If he is abusive he is abusive. It is not our fault that he is an inhumane jerk but it is our fault if we put up with it. If we date jerks we will marry jerks. If we marry jerks our children will pay the biggest price of all for the poor choices we make. If we sleep with everyone we meet then we will definitely fall for one of them and it only takes one to destroy the rest of our life along with our children. Divorce does cause pain to our children but it causes less pain than watching their mothers being beaten or cleaning up their blood.

Just as we women and the majority of good descent men, who come from functional homes, want to see our children happy our children want to see their moms and dads happy and the only way we can accomplish that is in equality of the genders. Women need to take the choices they make much more serious than what a man looks like and how he dresses and men need to do the same. Character can be disguised for a while but it can’t be hidden forever and for the sakes of ourselves as well as our children we need to make it our top priority.

No self-respecting human being will want to take control over another adult human being who is family, much less call the mother of their children a whore, bitch,slut and worse.Unless we are a policeman, a member of the Court system, or a jailer we guide and offer help to people, we do not control them. We need to take ownership of our own responsibility and teach our children the same by practicing and teaching equal respect for all the God-given abilities that both genders are given. We begin today.

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We Know When We Know

Too many of us fail to follow our own instincts when we know that something is not quite right or when something will work. If we would train ourselves, to trust our instincts, we would sometimes do better in life.

Our own instincts go into high alert when danger is near by. In many ways we are not that far removed from the wild, as animals are. Just as their ears perk and they stomp, when danger is near by, we also sense that same foreboding. Our hearts will race a little and we need to train our attention towards our surroundings and to go on high alert as well. We need to learn to trust and rely on our own instincts more than we do. Too many of us just dismiss them and go along willingly. It is often times a sense of fatalism on our parts that takes over and does make us give in. Many of us mistake the warning or alerts for,”I knew this was going to happen” and instead succumb to them.Other times we think I must just be dreaming or imagining things.

If it is not typical behavior for us to imagine things or to hear things then we need to trust those instincts, more clearly. We cannot live our lives on our instincts alone, although some do. We do need to mix in a little common sense. For instance if we live in the plains and have a fear of heights we do need to either determine if we are going to test our limits by getting over the fear or if we are just going to accept that our fear of heights is real and stay away from cliffs and mountain tops.

If everything makes us afraid then we do need professional help to sort out when our instincts are real or if we are suffering from Anxiety, an Obsessive compulsive disorder or Post traumatic Stress or some other affliction, and get the help we need, so that we can learn to trust our instincts better as well as enjoy life more. I stress if fear or anxiety, is not common behavior for us, then we need to trust our instincts for what they are telling us.

I have always imagined that if I faced a dangerous situation, I would just freeze up, and go along but with age comes more understanding of who we are and a little more sense of our own reactions to life,sometimes. Carrying a cane gives me a new sense of hope as to having a weapon. I now think I would be “hell on wheels” and pity the poor sucker that would try to take me and my cane on. I came to that conclusion when a mother and daughter were having a “knock down drag out fight.” and I came between them, only to find out later the mother always carries a knife. I am pleased to say that they were so shocked that a stranger would care, that they no longer hit each other, according to rumor. When I finished talking to them, they were apologizing and telling each other they were sorry.

We could prevent some of the muggings or rapes if we would learn to trust our instincts and how we react to stress. For those who have not heard yet:Never get in a car or vehicle and leave the area because our chances are much better of getting help if we remain in the area that we are in, as versus, being taken out to an isolated area where no one will hear our screams for help. A scream or a proper placed kick or resisting many times will scare off the attacker.However many are successful because they do use the element of surprise so we do need to check our backs as well.

When our instincts are on high alert we need to turn around and look behind us, as well as, look to both sides. If we run into a store or business when we feel this alert, or in the open where other people are, we may feel like we would embarrass ourselves but it is always better to do that than it is to not trust our own instincts.

Think of an excuse that you will use if you have to make a quick dodge into a business or store. We were feeling a little faint and could we sit for a moment, many times will do the trick.Other times people are coming and going to the point we may not even be noticed as being out-of-place. If we are in a neighborhood then turn and go up to an apartment building as if we live there and sometimes they will drive on by, if they have been stalking us for a while. Do not forget to pull out the phone and act like you are placing a call. Sometimes cell phones can make us less alert so make certain you are tuned in as you walk.Do remember though that most of the attacks will happen at night-time and make a schedule of taking a different route or going with a friend and do not walk if you can take transportation instead.

If I could take a quote from Dr. Phil,”The best judge of future behavior is past behavior.” If when we are dating someone we find something is not working or we are not communicating on the same level then we need to question ourselves. If we are ever abused by either name calling or they are expressing a great deal of anger by hitting windows or dashes or even ourselves,or throwing objects at us while breaking everything in the place, or they manipulate us by crying to get what they want from us when we know there simply is not money to buy it, then please know marriage will only make it worse. When two people learn to live together and share the same check book as well as the same hours and bed we take on stress in a relationship, through marriage, we do not relieve it. When we add children to it then it doubles.

If our instincts are telling us that this person is not just right somehow, then trust ourselves or trust that we are not right for them. It is easy to think that others are disturbed when in truth we ourselves are not always operating with,” a light on in the antic.”, ourself. Anytime anyone is using anger and aggression to control us or others over their common sense or judgment to show and give us respect, then the problem is us.When we give over control of our own life, instead of taking control of our life, we fail not only ourselves,but everyone else who cares about us.

Run, don’t walk away from this type of relationship. If our friends are telling us what we obviously refuse to see,we have a duty to ourselves, to trust them as well as our own instincts that are warning us, if we are trying to deny what our conscience already knows is the truth. If, on the other hand, our friends and family can not see what we know to be true and are telling us that it is just jitters or we are nuts because he/she are a nice person and come from a good family, and we know differently, then we need to listen to only ourself.

Just as instincts can warn us against danger our instincts can tell us when we are on the right path when solving a mystery,protecting our own safety, making a decision,or even investing in something we feel strongly will work. Many times the most successful amongst us are those who do rely on and do trust their instincts. What our instincts are telling us will not hold up in a Court of law,it does not offer proof to others, sometimes too often people will use it to speculate about others, but it like our conscience seldom fails us morally. So the next time our instincts tell us that the decision we are making is a right one or alarms are going off, remember,”Sometimes we just know what we know,” and learn to trust it. We can only empower ourselves by taking control of our own life. No one else can do it for us nor can we contol their lives, and expect positive results.

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New Beginnings

The challenge of starting over in life that many of us will be asked to do is always a little bit frightening until we do become settled. Many times it is not just our re-adjustment but that of our children as well. If we bring with our new start, “the same old garbage,” of the past then we can not just plan on it, but we can count on it, that we will be repeating the same mistakes that we made in the past.

If it is a new job and we were laid off in the past because the employees had no protection against layoffs then we will find ourselves in the same position again when the next downturn in the economy hits, if we can climb out of the current one. By eliminating the Unions as is happening, thanks to the efforts of the right-wing and the Tea Party candidates, we can be certain that the future of the employee will remain out of the hands of ourselves. Before the Unions there was no middle class. Just the poor and the wealthy and if they have their way, we will return to that.

Statistically, it is always the educated who have more input into what their next terms of employment will look like. Any education we can gain while unemployed always works in our own favor. If we are already educated then we must accept that the only thing available to any of us is going to sometimes mean a drastic cut in pay but the fact that we are educated gives us a better chance of beginning over than those who lack an education. People who apply themselves once they do get a job are often recognized for working below their potential and will rise accordingly in the Company. No good managerial staff will keep an over qualified person in the position when they can be better utilized else where in the Company.

Other times many of us have our own definition of what we feel we would be a success at and never had the courage or the time to try. Small business loans are clearing up a little since you last tried to appeal for one in some areas, so try again. If we do nothing to change our own circumstances then we can count on it, that nothing will happen. Sometimes new beginnings begin again in an entirely new location or region. We are as limited as our own imagination.

If the new beginning consists of relationships and we fail to look at our own mistakes or errors made, then we simply continue looking for the same kind of person who failed us previously and keep setting ourselves up to being mistreated again. On the other hand if we are the aggressor,adulterer, or just plain lazy then we need serious psychological help as to why it is that we keep defeating our own self in relationships.

The likelihood that we can change or we find change behind a glass of wine or a bottle of beer in a night club,bar or lounge is next to nil. Eyes do not meet across a table with a blaring band in the background and we behold the person that we have been waiting our whole life for. That happens in the mind of a romance novelist on a cloudy day somewhere in Manhattan or the burbs or in an isolated cabin in the woods.

When new beginnings are about new relationships or the fulfillment of a life long dream we need to depend on reality in a way that we have never done so in the past. The problem with on-line dating is anyone can agree with what we are saying and too many times we are trapped into the moment of,”Oh wow! We have so much in common. They like the same things that I like and so on and so forth. It might help if before you told them every thing about yourself that you ask them first who they admire and why,what they believe in and why, and if they depend on themselves or someone else first and any of the other character based questions, so that they do not have an opportunity to parrot your own beliefs or Character.

Meeting people in Church activities does not guarantee us that we are going to find someone who is as dedicated to their religion and the Church as we are as the word has been out for a while now that it is a good place to meet new men or new chicks. Even if the commitment is there too many fail to understand that being a Christian does not guarantee morality. Some times people who do attend are trying to clear a conscience that clearly needs to be cleared and are doing it without success.

We need to trust our own instincts and have a clear understanding of what makes us tick and what our own standards are. If people would get counseling before they dated instead of when they are ready to get a divorce they would be so much wiser. Too many times people will tell themselves that their standards are just too high and end up with real jerks time and time again. There are those who claim a nice guy just is not exciting enough without realizing that many times relationships like wine take time to age. It is when we give the nice guys a chance to develop that we do find the person we have been looking for all our life. We cannot fix anyone other than ourselves. We can only improve on what is already there.

Too many times men look for the most shallow of reasonings for their future mates. They like the personality of the woman who will speak out and stand up for herself, until they marry them and find out sometimes they are also a selfish bitch who is taking him for a ride or who has no wish to ever uphold her end of the bargain, but foolishly they lost touch of their male logic and allowed themselves to be rushed into a marriage. Other times they are looking for a woman who wears a size 3 and is a virgin and has no interests at shopping at the mall, and do not see the humor in that, that the rest of us see. Other times they do want the woman on their arm to be arm candy and look good and do not have a clue just how much that is going to cost them.

Other times and ladies beware, he is looking for an income large enough to support his dream of being a rock star. That interprets into this man is never going to support you. Other times men are looking for a woman he can control and then will complain that they cannot even communicate on any level beyond what her sisters and mother are doing.

When it comes to people, and we want them to care about us, we have to accept if they are obsessing over their own looks they are rarely going to put us second much less first. I do understand we all want people who wear deodorant and is pleasing to our sensibilities but the places most people are looking for them is not the most realistic places to meet, all the times. I do not suggest that we quit looking in those places so much as I do that we beware of what strikes are against us when we do meet there. Common sense should tell all of us if we meet in a location where it is easy for another person to know and parrot our own feelings,religious beliefs, or we are uninhibited due to that last drink, then we need to be that more alert of who we are meeting,before we invite them into our own space.

Sometimes starting over has nothing to do with replacing or meeting new relationships but we feel that we are losing control over our own ability to discipline,maintain, or become all we want to be, and like a ship “we feel a little lost at sea.” We have become Mrs. So and So or the Mom of So and So and we realize that we have or are close to losing our own identity. We need to discover, through a new beginning many times, when it was that we felt we did not matter as much as the rest of the family.

Other times we wake and discover that the life we dreamt about all our lives is not nearly as fulfilling as we thought it would be. We all do well to understand that many times the problem is not with or in the people that we are living with but instead something that we missed out on in ourselves. We can leave and destroy all that is and was sacred to us but ultimately we solve nothing because the problem is in ourselves. We need to get the help to find out what makes us tick.

Just praying does not always bring us answers, although I am a big supporter of prayer, sometimes we need to find that person who does work with us on a professional level and helps us understand ourselves better. Well intentioned friends are always going to give us a way out and too many times that is what we are looking for. A professional will not let us excuse ourselves. If we are fortunate to have a friend who will not let us b.s. ourselves and short of funds then sometimes that will work as well. Men and women alike, often feel that they are doing nothing they ever wanted to do or are locked in a place that they can’t get out and will turn to alcohol and or other women and men because their wives or husbands do not understand them.

Do our family the favor of getting help before we do something so stupid or rash, since way too many men and women do find when we do get help we already had everything we wanted but were too foolish or stupid to know it. Many times we let our own pride or insecurities lead to hearing things that were not said and having hurt feelings as well as all the other issues that go along with living with the same person for so long, really get misconstrued. Do not spend the rest of our lives grieving the loss that we create during a moment of temporary emotions gone astray. Many times our family are more than willing to help out and offer us the breaks we need or listen to us but it is we ,ourselves, who are shutting them out. More times than not, we do find that we had all the support we ever needed but refused to see it. New beginnings are about getting rid of yesterday’s garbage and finding we are not all that bad of a person to spend time with nor are those we did our best to try to drive away.

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The Significance Of Self

We hear all the time, “unless we love ourselves, we cannot love others.” I do believe, in some cases, when we start out life we have love to give and, as such, we are capable of loving, without loving ourselves. I’ve heard people say,” that they are in love but they have not yet met the person that they are in love with.” In those cases I have always felt, probably due to their own behavior, that they were actually in love with themselves but did not recognize it as such. In my own case, I do know that I have loved everyone else, long before I recognized, that I loved myself. Some of us grow up confused as to what love really is as it has never been given to us unconditionally or we only felt love according to if our behavior met with approval or not.

There is no such thing as a mommy gene universally in all mothers. Many children grow up hearing,”we were an accident,the day we were born was the worse day of our mother’s life, or the only reason we were even born was because our mothers thought that they would go to hell if they used birth control”. Complicate that with parents who never tell us that we are loved, that are remote and cold while we are growing up, parents who profess to love us as we live in fear of being beaten on a daily basis, or have parents beating each other up and the whole ideal of love becomes totally misconstrued to the point that many are fearful to love or commit if that is what love really is. Often it takes years and years, before children growing up in these environments can even dare trust what we are feeling, is really love or if someone else that professes to love us, is sincere.

Every human being’s survival depends on being born selfish. If a baby didn’t cry until their needs were meant they would end up malnourished or ill. Most of us would sleep through, sometimes every hour and half feedings, because as all new parents can attest many times during a baby’s life we are so tired we are not always certain if we did wake up or if we slept through a feeding. It is a time of total and complete exhaustion, especially if one parent is doing it all alone. In many ways we never lose the need to be selfish. Some are just better at recognizing it than others. Every action we take from seeking friendship,to marriage, to what brings us joy is intertwined with our own needs being met, if we are honest with ourselves in acknowledging it.

What separates a selfish person from a giving person is innate to their character, if I was to hazard a guess. It explains why one twin can be selfish while another generous, even when raised identically to each other, including the same punishment being meted our to both simultaneously, regardless who is to blame. If it is not genetic then the genetic make-up that drives perception,in my opinion, has to play a role. Where one saw injustice for the punishment they did not cause, another accepted the same as being normal or had the capacity to block pain or go into denial whereas the other didn’t or maintained reality.

Many children will block out their childhood if it was too bad or separate from it emotionally while others never forget and relive the nightmare for life. Abuse alters and changes a person’s personality, entirely, from who or whom they would have been, otherwise. That includes people who tell their children they were not wanted and verbally abuse their children. I’ve heard parents tell their children that they were an accident, in jest, and watched the child’s facial expression crumble. I think sometimes we adults are immune to teasing and lose sight of what effect it has on our children. Many times that same teasing can send our children off to bully others, if they take it literally, as many do. Some children will totally overlook or block abuse where as others can be haunted all their lives and I’m not sure anyone understands for certain,why?

I have absolutely no regrets that I came late to the table, as far as loving everyone else, before I recognized my love of myself, because it is the reason I now gather so much pleasure and enjoyment out of my life. If every action I ever did was as a conscious reaction on my part to do or give because I would get something back as a result of it, I’m sure I would feel much more guilt or discomfort with what damage I occurred to myself, now that I am limited in what I can do for others.

I am a sincere believer in the reality that everything that we do for others without expectation or return or without telling the world about our charity is returned to us here on earth. If we use it to improve our own image or to get an, “atta girl/boy” or to fulfill some need of our own we can sometimes end up in anger,hurt or mistrust because we assumed and when our assumptions do not prove out then we get angry or hurt about it. On the other hand, those of us that give without expectations, quickly learn the value of doing so brings with it, its own reward, even miracles. I don’t even have to explain that to those of you who do know, what I mean when I say it.

If we never know or understand ourself and the reasoning behind why we did what we did or do what we do, we can become really bitter with life and mistreat others. Once we know the true damage, we do to both ourselves and others, exist is because of our own assumptions then we can learn better ways to give of our self and time or choose not to. Except of course when it comes to paying taxes and I would hope we all appreciate the fact that Democracy gives us enough, so we can at least do that much. When gifting is a choice and we are constantly resenting doing anything for someones else, all of us would much rather you did nothing instead of listen to your constant bitching or sign carrying protest.

The significance of self is, to know ourselves, well enough so we bring both hope and joy to others or we take blame so we don’t make the rest of our family,work staff, group, or America in general, miserable right along with us. Listen to the way people and media are talking. We have to ask ourselves why children bully? Give us a break! As the old cliché goes,”If you have nothing good to say then say nothing, at all.”

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