Why Do We Lead The World In Suicide?

Today I will offer my own opinion along with established fact that leads me personally to believe what the problem is behind the increase in murder/suicide in America.

We are second in the World in front of other advanced Nations after Montenegro in  percentage of suicides, where such records are kept.  When we think of ourselves as the Nation that people from other Countries want to immigrate to, we have to ask ourselves as to why our suicides are so high?

We  again begin with the N.R.A. interference into gun registration and add to that Americans’ love of the gun and its accessibility to people in America.  When the NRA not only fights against gun laws but also fights against people having to show proof of the lack of mental illness or treatment for depression when buying a gun, then guns end up in the hands of too many people who should never own guns.  They spend millions in litigation to fight privacy laws in favor of gun ownership. With the sponsorship of gun shows by the NRA across the Nation that require no waiting period what-so-ever and the illegal guns of street sales, America is flooded with guns.

Living in the land of guns and honey brings along with it the stress that often goes along with keeping up with the Jones. People do not miss that which they cannot hold,own, or goes unseen in their lives. American workers work longer hours in more extended days straight than any other Nation in the World.  We have fewer and less holiday and vacation days of any other Civilized Nation. We out work all other Nations in the World. Todays’s workers work longer hours than any generation has before them.

A person who struggles to feed their family or to provide basics are not nearly as likely to feel that they are missing out as those who are accustomed to getting what they want over what they need.  If we have paid attention to school shootings at all, we must have noticed that the majority of these children are white males who come from upper middle class or wealthy homes when murder/suicide does occur. It is much easier never to have had it than it is to have had it and to lose.   Americans many times marry their jobs since they spend many more hours on the job than they do at home, and when they find their jobs pulled out from underneath them it can and does trigger murder/suicide in the work place.

We are a Capitalist Society that invests in trade over the needs of the people. We are the only civilized Nation in the World that does not pay the entire healthcare costs of 100% of its people but yet we remain the richest Nation in the World. We  subsidize commerce to a far greater degree than do all other Nations just as our costs of the greatest military in the World cost 10 times more that what the rest of the World combined pays to maintain a defense system.

We live under stress every day of the week and often with wants that we either can’t provide for or feel we need. Many of us have not learned to make sacrifices now in order to enjoy life later. The exposure to goods in America,technology,clothing stores, and all other retail stores leave us wanting or feeling we are being denied.

With the breaking of the backs of our Unions across America by men like Sam Adelson who has vowed millions to eliminate them and the Tea Party Governors along with Republican legislatures  supporting the right to work laws without the same coming up for vote in our States, the middle class are dropping $5500.00 per year. Despite the facts, 47% of the American people who are primarily middle class voted to guard the gate of the 1% by voting Republican in our past elections. Stress in America is the number one killer because of the message driven home by too many for the need to own more, at the expense of the middle class.

When we started closing down mental Institutions because of the absolute abuse that was triggered by the lack of laws protecting our citizens, we went the other way and left our loved ones defenseless when it came to getting help for mental illness.

Previously to closing down the mental Institutions across America and the passage of the Equal rights amendment husbands could declare their wives unfit to raise the children and have her committed without even a record of instability. The husbands word alone was enough and many times he could get a Dr. to agree to the same without even seeing the woman. People who suffered from vision or hearing loss or were slow learners were committed into Institutions.  When the laws were lax towards those who could commit others, so much abuse reigned across America that it led to shutting them all down.

We are now in a cycle where those who are desperate for need of treatment for mental illness cannot get the help they need.  It is too easy to prescribe drugs without any follow-up or counseling.  Some general practitioners along with chiropractors, will prescribe both narcotics and antidepressants that lead to both aggression as well as further anxiety and depression.  In America if a person knows the right people or wants to find someone who will prescribe or supply drugs or guns all things are possible.  It only takes money to get whatever an American citizen wants both legally and illegally.

Even with good counseling and a drug plan that works parents cannot force adult children to remain on their treatment program.  The very symptom of some of the most grievous of diseases that lead to bouts of severe depression is that the patient will be made to feel better and believe that they can quit treatment which only aggravates the disease and makes it worse.

Drugs are readily available in America to both Street people and those who start out life as high achievers.  We are a Country that has a high tolerance for both guns and drugs while our Conservative politicians appear to be against the same with public messages over the years. They in reality will never face off against the lobbyists or the NRA who put millions into their pockets for re-election. Illicit drugs in America makes up 33% of our Gross National Product. Many killings in America are as a result of the flow of illegal drugs and the need to protect the distribution of the same.

We have 17 Republican controlled States that have passed the “Stand Your Ground Laws” with 6 more States discussing arming teachers. Too many amongst us have no concept of the danger of guns because it has been romanticized as part of our culture and of the old Wild West. When these same States are talking about arming teachers they are ignoring that any gun on school property is susceptible to causing collateral damage even in the hands of trained policemen.  They also are denying that even guns that are safe guarded in schools can be easily over taken by the gangs of bullies who often hang out in our school systems and intimidate teachers. When sliding steel pocket doors that close instantaneously and are impenetrable to those who threaten entry  from the outside are being used in facilities across the World the mentality of the American mind instead goes to more guns to protect against guns.

When people who suffer from mental illness are not confined for their own good or their own needs because Insurance Companies refuse to pay and  Obama care is ridiculed and fought against in sectors in fits of rage, then we leave ourselves and our loved ones vulnerable to the stresses and ills along with fits of depression that can and do lead to suicide. Instead of treating our mentally ill and  drug addicts we imprison them.

Any Nation of wealth encompasses people who make comparisons because too many times the politicians themselves will belittle or blame the have-nots while promoting those who have. The Republican Party appeared to accelerate that belief this past election with attacks against the poor in their own leadership and the need to adopt the Ryan Plan in order to deny the needs or in most cases the rights of the people. When those who are feeling rejected from loss of jobs and incomes, or are being bullied by others, are made to find their own uniqueness a fault rather than a plus, we leave open the potential to not only suicide but we harbor those who would take down our children with them.

We are a Society who puts too much importance and stress on the things we own, on beauty,skin color,appearance,money, and popularity. We encourage sameness or like beliefs, over encouraging individual expression.  We too often fail to encourage value in the uniqueness of each individual to express that uniqueness but instead demand that we all share the same belief system. Those who fail to fit into a cli’que of like mentality are often shunned,ridiculed, and bullied.  We support violence in the games we play and the movies we watch.  The movie industry knows and understands that movies without sex or violence will too often fail at attendance and revenues.

Our educational system is not supported by the Conservative causes and ranks low in comparison to other civilized Nations as a result of it. Bright children are too often criticized for their superior intelligence and not supported by a system that inspires them up to their abilities to succeed, due to limited funds granted to the School districts in our States.To many amongst us push our children in all categories that will gain them popularity over education and in doing so, to often it leads to mediocrity while insisting they excel in sports.  When highschool coaches feel that winning is the only thing that will save their jobs they offer steroids and muscle enhancers to their young players and it starts a panacea of corruption in our sports’ programs. The stress to always have more and to do better leads us in advancement in many fields in the world,  but it also breeds the ravages of failure, in those who feel as though they cannot achieve or have been left behind.

We self medicate on drugs and alcohol to cover up feelings of inadequacy or pain, because we place a astigmatism against mental illness. We do not tolerate those who expose our own weaknesses. The people who cause such carnage as was done in NewTown Connecticut, are usually those who are coming down off of a bad drug trip, are feeling neglected, powerless,weak,or worthless. Behind a gun they feel omnipotent and powerful and ready to show others who they often feel have either ignored them or made them to feel less of the person than they are.

We as a Society ignore and deny the power of the gun in the hands of those who would not otherwise kill, because of the control of the N.R.A. in our Nation or the fear tactics used against us to protect ourselves. They are not the only ones who use fear tactics as home alarm companies call and exaggerate home invasions in areas where none exist along with those who promote gun sales and under ground bunkers. The home alarm companies calls are being made in homes illegally as I have received the same  even though I am on the government “Do not call list.” They get around the law by claiming to offer a free prize. People rush gun stores and buy military weapons that have no business in any of our homes each time they think they will be denied their guns by law.

Those who act out in total disregard of human life do so because they lack empathy for anyone but themselves or they feel disrespected. In neighborhoods where drugs are sold on street corners,others die over drug sales. Others feel that they have been so ridiculed that they can only seek justice behind a gun. They may suffer from irrational beliefs  but they know full well that they will leave behind pain and destruction. Many times they feel that they will be a person whose name will go down in history as having made a difference, while knowing full well the misery they cause.  We as a Nation have romanticized people like Jesse James,Billy the Kid, Bonney and Clyde, Annie Oakley and other outlaws of the old West as heroes over generations, and in doing so we have romanticized the use of the gun to settle disputes.

Those who cause a silent suicide or one that does not draw attention to the outside World often do so because they are suffering, or cannot face the future, or feel that they are a burden on their loved ones.  Others are fearful of the future because they become so steeped in Religious conviction of Armageddon, or that God wants them or their children saved  from a sinful World, or suffer severe mental illness to the point they hear voices from the devil to kill. Other suicide/murders are committed over child custody or domestic disputes when they have access to a gun. Often times those who are afraid that they are lacking because Societal norms do not accept them for the person they are, will feel that life is not worth living or are driven by the need to gain revenge and do not consider the pain they leave behind because the act of murder/suicide itself, is most often an act of “Me Only.”

People who are sensitive to those who criticize, and often times are made to feel they are inadequate or weak are made to feel powerful behind the gun. It is just as likely to be a meek personality as it is an aggressive personality that uses a gun to kill.  America has 18,000 suicides a year where other Civilized Nations, who keep records of suicide, do not reach higher than into the 200′s. In total of murders and suicides we have 32,000 people lost each year. All other advanced Nations who have a much lower suicide and murder rate offer free mental health services that give parents more control over the treatment of mental health and much stricter gun laws.  It does not take a rocket Scientist to understand why America excels in the numbers of suicides and murders over all other advanced Nations in the World

Along with the greatest Democracies in the World comes the freedom to misuse that freedom through both abuse of others and self-inflicted wounds. With freedom comes the need to protect its citizens through just laws.  Americans should have a much greater right to live over the right to own guns.  We need to do a better job in understanding that our people as well as our children should never have to feel that they are less than the need or greed of Capitalism in a free Society. If we keep electing a Republican majority in Congress and in our States, who refuses to act in the best interests of our people, then don’t we have some responsibility to bear for the same? We are coming out lacking as a Nation because of our own lack of demand and insistence on the fact that our politicians can do better.

It brings some comfort to me to see that at long last we have hope at least that those responsible will do something but the proof still remains in the pudding. I long for the days when we can again promote the many qualities of all of the American people who are supported by all of our elected politicians, instead of a few.  America is still the best Country in the World but we need to be honest about our faults in order to make much-needed changes. May all of our politicians be strong enough to stand up against the lobbyists and brave enough to bring forth all the good qualities that are representative of America.  Wishing all of us hope this Holiday Season!

Read Full Post »

Grief And Grieving

According to the process of teaching, “All truth passes through three stages, First it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed.Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”–Arthur Schopenhauer

Many of us feel a genuine sorrow each time that we hear of the deaths of children or mistreatment of pets, even when we have not known or spent time with them.  Not all people do, nor do they need to feel guilt if they don’t.  Not all people bond with children or pets and cultural differences in the way we accept death, also plays a role in why some people will grieve profoundly while others feel a compassion and act differently from those who grieve the lost of strangers. This was very prevalent in the attacks of 9/11, as well. Some people also remain more resilient while they prefer to spring into action first.

The NewTown tragedy, is one of many killings of our children by those who use guns but it leaves a profound lost on all of us as a Nation, because there are so many 6 and 7 year olds who have lost their lives.  Even those who do not have any particular fondness for children, can remember those hopeful years of their own lives, and feel that this tragedy leaves them with a genuine sense of regret for the lives lost.

We generally accept the Kubler-Ross model of grieving even though it has its share of critics as well.  The study was based on people who were terminally ill and how they coped with the lost of their health and the acceptance of death and they later applied the same emotions to all lost of that which we are bonded to.  I repeat the 5 steps here;

1.  Denial—”I feel fine”

2.  Anger—-”Why me?  It’s not fair.”

3.  Bargaining–”I’ll do anything for a few more years or one more moment”.

4. Depression—”I’m so sad, why bother with anything”.

5.  Acceptance–”Its going to be o.k.”

Others have added two other emotions and they are shock which most commonly accompanies denial and leaves us feeling numb and guilt.   Guilt is common with care givers who feel they should have been able to do more or with survivors who are involved in the same act of violence or car accident or in death of any kind. It is also common is spouses and siblings,especially when a twin is lost through death or separation.  It directly affects those who fight together in wars, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

Emotions can also be very varied without fitting a pattern of any kind.  They can run from solemn to trepidation to anxiety or to rage and disgust.  Many times feelings of jealousy or envy or even hate can follow when we see other children graduate with their classes or marry or we see other spouses with their mates, even after we feel that our sadness has dissipated. It is important that those who are experiencing many ranges of emotions are not alone but instead with friends and family members until the pain or shock that often triggers these erratic or difficult to deal with emotions calm down. When we are more clear of our own emotions then we can reflect on our own if we have the capacity to do so and know our own strengths and weaknesses. Any shooting of any nature often leads to temporary trauma in all of us.

In years past, the Medical Association did  not talk about post traumatic stress disorder in other situations outside of war.  As modern techniques expose more about the human brain, it is now more generally accepted that PTSD can and does exist on many levels of trauma and often times does accompany shock when death is totally unexpected.

The important thing with grieving is that we all know that there is not a clear-cut pattern for those who grieve.  Many emotions can be involved just as the more resilient or people with a history or exposure to death will feel fewer emotions.  Some may spend days crying while others who have been exposed to death can move on with few tears and gain acceptance earlier.  It is when grieving goes on for months into years with a total sense of helplessness that we should be certain to get professional help without any sense or feeling like we are weak or a failure.

We all have different ways of coping throughout life and a different time-frame in which we grieve.  Some find genuine laughter over memories of loved ones their healing tool.  Others will memorialize their loved one while still others who are use to solving their own problems in life will remain isolated amongst family members and choose to grieve alone.  Some will feel a responsibility and duty to do something first, and then grieve later when things become more quiet. Others will turn to Religion and the hope offered through its teachings while others will commit their lives to doing for others in an effort to feel good about themselves and to help lift the veil of sadness. Some delay going back to work and grieve immediately and find it only takes a few months to reach acceptance.  Others lose themselves in work and delay their grieving, because they feel a need to analyze the reasons why, first. When they finally accept the fact that there are no answers to the why they move on to the acceptance of death.

The main thing is that we acknowledge that not all things are great and that we do understand a necessity to grieve with the understanding that it should not be a lifetime condition that brings debilitating sadness. Some people will feel better talking about the death while others will want to choose who they discuss it with, if they wish to discuss it at all.  Many times those who grieve will blame the innocent bystander or take out their bad feelings on the closest people to them.

Grieving takes a high level of understanding sometimes. We cannot excuse poor behavior as being normal,and need  to understand that we may need to learn three simple words such as:”I am sorry.” Some people become over protective or obsessive out of fear of another loss during the period of grieving.  They will sometimes use poor behavior in order to deliberately drive away others who they love because they cannot bear the lost of another person in their lives. People who have a previous history of relieving bad feelings in themselves,on those closest to them, many times should ask for help during this time, while those who are close by understand this is not a time to judge, harshly.

Too many times we get stuck in one step of grieving and rather than feel the pain or get grief counseling will turn to alcohol or drugs and only compound our own grieving.  Grieving needs to take place, as the longer we delay it, the more problems will arise in the family as a result of our doing so. It is not uncommon for parents to delay their own grieving while making sure their children are o.k. first.  It is important that we understand that if we are not well then our children will not be  either.  Alcohol and drugs in moderation may help with sleep in the earlier days but should never replace or be used to deny the feelings of pain that we need to heal from, through grieving our loss.

We can grieve while also feeling genuine appreciation for having had our loved ones in our lives, and many recover as a result of the same. Some want to leave pictures up as a reminder of their loved ones, while others want to remove all reminders of them.  Some will continue to celebrate birthdays while others will feel a need to mourn. People are all different in their expressions of sorrow and we need to respect the same, but also remain cognizant of those who need professional help in order to cope. It is o.k to find moments of laughter and to look back after a few months or a couple of years and to acknowledge that we were not always rational during our grieving process.  Very many aren’t.

It is important that we understand that various levels of grieving in a marriage often leads to disputes that can lead to divorce if one of the members in the marriage are ready to move on and remember the good moments shared by the deceased while the other mate is still asking,”Why Me?” Grieving too many times will lead to intolerance in couples while it will bring others closer together since no one else can entirely understand their shared lost as clearly as they can.

We can often times treat those closest to us, during the grieving time pretty poorly, if we do not move ahead with the grieving process.  Children as young as 18 months can feel the loss of the bond of a sibling or parent and grieve. Children who lose their best friends can withdraw and be afraid of initiating new friends because to do so feels like betrayal to them. They can not always voice their feelings, or understand them, themselves. Children grieve differently from adults in that they often times do not cry but instead will act out.

Children may have episodes of unexplained rage or with draw into themselves.  When adults grieve it is especially important that when a child loses a sibling or a friend at an early age, that we understand that the children are losing the person in their lives that has always been part of their lives that they have confided in and made plans with for a future as well.  The most neglected lost of loved ones often does lie in the lack of understanding for the death of a friend or sibling, when they lose their friend or sibling too early.

The lost of a sibling is difficult for adults to deal with, but too few amongst us, understands the difficulty as the sympathy and understanding goes more often to  the parents,spouses, or their children. Siblings are often called on to be strong and to act as spokes people instead. The loss of a twin can compare to the lost of a spouse as many ideas,hopes,jokes,love,hate,upsets,plans for the future, and people in their lives are shared from birth and through out their lives. The identity or feeling of losing half of ourselves, when we lose a twin, is most like that of losing a spouse.  No relationship is more involved or longer lasting than that of  a twin relationship when their relationship begins in the womb they share.

What we as parents need to do is to make certain that our sadness does not spread over to our children or lose patience with our children if they are not shedding tears but are acting out. It helps  instead to discuss with them what they are feeling to make them behave the way they are.  Children should not hear everything about the shootings but sadly many will hear it from other sources and we need to be aware of the fact that details often become exaggerated and lead to nightmares in our children. When questioning them we need to be careful not to offer details but instead to find out what they know or are feeling and answer them honestly.

Just as some adults will cry for days while others don’t, the same is true with children. Children,depending on age, do not clearly understand the permanence of death.  They just know that their parent,friend, or sibling is not with them now and do not understand the long-term of death but feel a real unexplained sadness in themselves. Some will need our understanding on their level to cope without us forcing our own coping measures or the lack of the same on them. Grieving needs to be age appropriate just like everything else in life does.

The tragedy effecting our Nation in NewTown,Connecticut can affect our children around the globe and it is especially important that we communicate with our children about their concerns without expressing our own concerns.  It is alright to say Mommy and Daddy are feeling sad because they know that already but they should not be made to feel as a replacement for the children lost, or be compared to them.

We are each uniquely our own person and that applies to grieving as well.  We will not always be on the same page together nor do we have a time clock running.  If we need grief counseling we most definitely need to seek it out before we are left to deal with an unnecessary guilt or a prolonged sense of hopelessness.  It is important that we also rest during this time, when we can.  Grieving is exhausting and requires that we do get sleep.

Good luck and my condolences are with all of you.  I, like the rest of the Nations around the World, are wishing you the strength to recover on your own time and in your own space knowing our prayers and thoughts are with all of you.  May the goodness of the Season offer all of us the hope that we as a Nation will do something about such needless tragedies, in the New Year. God Bless all of us!  (See my previous post,”Guns And Mental Illness”)

Read Full Post »

It Is Not About Us

As Congress looks for and finds blame with their insistence that the deficit be balanced on the backs of the middle class,the students,the elderly,and the poor while refusing to look at the role they play by the continuation of the same, there is plenty going on in our lives that is about us.  While Corporations refuse to hire here but instead send jobs overseas to increase the wealth of its board members, it is about us. When we are not educated to meet the demands of the ever-changing market place it is about us. When weather causes havoc and turmoil in our lives, it is about us.  When we lose loved ones and are left to grieve our lost, it is about us. When others who can afford to do so, refuse to carry healthcare and we get stuck with their healthcare costs with increased premiums because Congress wants to eliminate Obama care, it is about us. With so much in our lives that affects us it is sometimes difficult to understand a lot of other things in our lives is not about us,as well.

Many times things happen around us and unless we understand that “it is not about us”, but rather our response to it, that causes us to get involved and often times it leads to our own pain, we will waste way to much precious time in our lives that will keep us from enjoying life. When a couple divorces to often,if we allow them to drag us into their lives by taking sides, we will end up feeling like we are the loser as well.  If it is a special friend and we take sides while the couple separates, it will to often cost us what we feel is a close friend, if the couple decides to reunite.  Even if we do not take sides but try to help the couple to understand each other, many times they will regret what they confided in us and feel uncomfortable around us because they told us to much about themselves, and too often we lose both friendships, even when they divorce.

The above situation had nothing to do with us but it is when we get involved in other people’s problems that it can become about us unless we realize it is they who have lost a valuable friend in us, and we cannot call ourselves a friend unless we do try to help, that we realize it is not about us but instead all about them.

I had an incidence in my life that took place when I won at the Casino and the person I was treating said,”God let me win because He knew I would be more generous and share than she would have been if she won.”  First of all, I do not believe that God had anything to do with my winning nor does He have anything to do with money.  I think people use the idea that God is in control of every facet of our lives to the point that if we even sneeze that God caused us to, instead of the fact that it was an allergy or cold that caused us to sneeze. I choose to believe that God is with those who suffer and give of themselves instead, since He gave us all free will and helps those who helps themselves. If God was responsible for everything in a person’s life then He would have no time left for those who call on Him in time of need.  My winning was not necessary for me to live,eat,breath, or find joy in my life,nor did my gambling cause us any hardship.I was thrilled when the machine hit, just as all of us are when we win.

I won because I went to the casino, without the other person even being in the same State much less the same Casino, I took the risk that gambling involves, and I chose the right machine at the same time it was ready to pay off.  Any person in the Casino could have put the same dollar amount in as I did and won the same jackpot. Our generous spirit may be a gift from God, as He does reward the generous in spirit ten fold, but my winning at the Casino had nothing to do with God nor the person who said I won instead of her.  We to often in our lives look at other people’s success or failure and think that either has anything to do with us.

We may all make mistakes as parents but once our children become adults they also take on the responsibility for their own behavior and if they allow others to mistreat them or they mistreat themselves,we can not help them if they refuse our help. If they become a success,then they deserve the credit over us because, “It is not about us.”  We can be concerned about them or proud of them but ultimately as adults they do decide what road they travel, with or without our approval.

As their parents,we only have control over our own response to our adult children’s actions and can only offer support when they ask us for the same. To force our beliefs on them robs them of the ability to form their own ideas or beliefs or to accept the mixing of their belief system with that of their spouses. Our adult children, and especially once they marry, need to make their own decisions even when we do not approve of it and they refuse to listen to what we often think is sound reasoning. “Sink or swim” our adult children’s behavior,  is no longer about us beyond our own reactions to it.

The sadder part of life is when our own children, who are not adults, emulate that character flaw in us that thinks everything is all about us, by thinking it is their fault when bullies bully them.  Bullies are made at home by over demanding parents in some cases or by neglectful parents in other cases.  If a child feels defenseless against the parent who thinks they are disciplining but instead the parent makes the child feel like they are  being bullied by the parent or a child cannot find reprieve from their own hurt feelings, many times they will bully others who they feel cannot or will not fight back.  When parents tell their children to hit back they help create another bully on the playground.  When teachers punish both children because they fear the parent of the bully or have not seen who is being bullied then to often it can lead to tragedy.

If we could as a Society tell our children that the anger that is unleashed by the bully is “not about them”,but instead about the home the child who bullies comes out of, then we could begin sitting down and discussing our differences with the bully. When Schools refuse to play a role in the discussion when the bullying takes place on their property, they fail the child who is being bullied by expelling them from school for the equal amount of time they expel the bully. When negative behavior is enforced by negative responses we teach our children that the adults in their lives cannot be trusted to do the right thing.

I had a case,myself, where I thought it might be possible to have an adult conversation with the parent of the bully, but instead the parent went into name calling and telling me it was not her problem when the child I was speaking about did not haul off and hit her daughter back.  It was not about us, but the children that needed to be heard, and it was lost on the mother of the bully.  Teachers run into this same attitude of these same parents, when they do show up but many times it is the concerned parents who show up instead.

We parents first, need to understand that there are people who are going to try to control the circumstances in their own lives by controlling those around them and it has nothing to do with us, unless we demand zero tolerance of bullies in our own homes,schools, or environment and do something about it instead of obsessing over it.  When we make everything about us, and then do nothing but complain we teach our children the same. When worry or inaction is viewed from the seat of children, they learn to tolerate what we have tolerated for to many generations,as being normal behavior. If schools,businesses, or we do not punish small children who bully,or permanently expel people who play on our fear or lack of action, then we all tolerate the bullies and it does become about us. Our children learn nothing through fists or violence but to be violent in return.

Just as there are kind-hearted people, there are mean-spirited people as well. Both types of people will co-mingle in almost any kind of group.  It has been my experience that a majority of men will just consider the source of an insult when issued by a woman, but some will fight it out when it comes from a man.  Not many people look at a fist fight as much of anything other than plain stupidity, so why do we tell our children to do the same?  If we ourselves cannot treat the person as having their own problems and know they treat everyone else the same way, then how can we tell our own children that, “It is not about us, if we do nothing to protect them when we do have supervision over them?”

I ask everyone this Holiday Season to consider what I am saying.  Store policy is not about us but about others who do shop lift or steal.  We may pay for their theft but if we feel that the questions being asked are about us, instead of policy, too often tempers will flare and our children are watching our own performance.  The same is true when someone is rude enough to cut in line; for us to allow someone else to spoil the experience of the Holiday shopping, when,” it is not about us” because we lose sight of the fact,that angry words will never make it right, but instead is a negative response from us who only adds to the chaos, then we understand what our own response does to inflame the problem.  Two wrongs never does make a right.  As Bill Clinton said,”it’s about the math.”

We need to spend more time thinking and communicating civilly if we are going to succeed as a Nation,as parents, or as the person we most want to spend time with during the Holiday Season.  If we ourselves are filled with anger that is spreading all around us,if we are rude to others, if we have a need to control, if we take a bad day out on others around us, if we are mean-spirited, then it is about us.

If we are none of those things, “Then It Is Not About Us.” When we understand the reality of another person’s bad behavior “is not about us”, we refuse to let their bad dispositions destroy our own joy.  If we insist on the opposite, then we are making our feelings dependent on their negative feelings which they are responsible for, and  as adults who said or did nothing to harm them, we are not responsible for their lack of respect.  Everyone will have a bad day but everyone is not entitled to ruin our day unless we give them permission to do so.

Have a good day everyone and enjoy the responses in yourself that you create ,that ARE about you, and let the other things that you allow to destroy your day go. The majority of harm that is done to us as individuals are many times as a result of our own reactions to life and is often created by our reactions to a disagreeable human being, who has their own issues to deal with, without our taking their negativity to heart. Enjoy the Holidays and celebrate!

Read Full Post »

The Dumbest Amongst Us

With the Republican Convention getting ready to start the Republican hopefuls and delegates are looking forward to their largest and most major celebration that they will be able to celebrate, from all of the States in the United States, for the next four years.  Watching  the possible hurricane hitting Tampa, I’m sure must concern most of you enough but I am equally certain that you are determined not to let it get in the way of your celebratory mood.  It is your time to voice your beliefs and to gain that hoped for momentum.

If we do not agree with the Republicans,then we can show up at the election polls no matter how difficult they may make voting for us, in our States.  We who are born with the privilege of being Americans, those who have chosen America as your new Country, or ran from a cruel dictatorship out of fear of oppression, or left a Country that could not feed you or you left poverty behind, As Americans,  we do understand and get that people who do not necessarily agree with us,are entitled to their own celebrations and self-expression.  We are of all beliefs,races,gender preferences, and pretty much grounded enough in our own individual feelings and beliefs, when it comes to our candidate of choice, and our rights protected under Our Constitution. We will affect change to the best of our ability through peaceful means.

Unfortunately, there are those amongst us who lack the intelligence of a corn cob who are either anarchists or terrorists, take your pick, who think they speak for the rest of us with their expressions of hate and violence.  We can not blame a mental illness on them because those who suffer from mental illness are many times delusional through no fault of their own, and believe their thoughts that guide them over their minds, and lack the ability to know the difference.  They often suffer from depilatory disease,  and need our empathy, but sadly we too often spurn them.

The hate groups on the other hand usually are delusional as well but unlike those who suffer from a very destructive disease, this  bunch of losers, who do not want to work towards changing our system peacefully,  through their votes, but instead  try to force their views on others with violence, are cowards.  Having your guns and home-made bombs and possessing only hate and mischief where the rest of us have a heart, you destroy the peace amongst us.  If you do not affect our safety directly then you destroy our ability to get to our homes,our jobs, and our families.

Whether you are terrorists or anarchists, it doesn’t matter as one is as dumb as the other, since you or your group are simply mean and inhumane. You accomplish absolutely nothing but feeding the hatred of the people who share your own lack of common sense. You both maim and injure and often kill the innocent, along with yourselves.  If you are only attempting to draw attention to your plight and it back fires on you and instead some one is injured or killed, then if you are not blown up at the scene, you will be injected with a needle on death row.

We see people in the Middle East blowing themselves up with bombs all the time and throughout history going back to 72 AD they have never accomplished a thing as far as changing policy,power,or bringing hope to their people.  Many of them are living under dictatorships and believe they will see Allah, but what in the World do Americans, who are spoiled and given so much more than what the rest of the World will ever see, think they have to gain in America with violence?

The gangs destroying their own on the streets of Chicago,Philly, and L.A.  all say the same,”I was disrespected.”  Who in their right mind would respect a gun totin, get even, drug pusher? The anarchists and terrorists amongst the thousand different hate groups in America, are no different.

My message to you is simple:  If you think you have some powerful message to deliver, and you have a keyboard,then write a blog or your representatives in the Congress or the Senate, as I can’t imagine anyone who deserves hearing your views more. By writing out your message, those of the same mentality, will join you and then you can listen to what you think is your intellectual exchange and convince yourselves that the rest of the world are morons, while you are geniuses if you like, and the rest of us will try our best to reserve judgement and stay off your site.

I’m not pleased with what has happened to the “Proud Old Party” either, no differently than millions of other Americans, but we will go to the election polls and vote because we would much rather be winners than losers, and have enough empathy for the cause of the elderly,working poor,middle class,minorities,immigrants,gays and transgendered, and women who we do want to effect change for and to help them get back the rights or perhaps for their first time as Americans enjoy the rights that we natural-born Americans have enjoyed.

We need to stop both the Tea Party and Conservative drives to deny us both our rights to equality and our civil rights but the only way we can do that  rationally is at the  election polls. I look forward to the day that we are all treated as one. We still have a long way to go but anything worth working for comes with its own rewards. It is not the first time throughout history that the Republican majority have tried to deny us those rights and if our ancestors did not quit them neither shall we.

We nor do you, have to blow up bridges or people and are not stupid enough to believe either will do anything other than bring harm to others along with our loved ones. We know the best way to eliminate or at least slow down the greed is to get them out of office through the election polls. When we fail to vote we also fail to take on the privilege and duty as a citizen. The blending of our colors and races in America is what makes us great.

The misguided idea that you are fighting the fight of the righteous does not make you Superior, far from it, when all you can do is hate and harm the rest of us;instead it makes you idiots and brings shame to your family. Hiding behind your weapons of destruction, hoods and masks only makes you cowards. The real heroes in America are fighting in Afghanistan so we can all remain free from people like yourself, who hate and destroy.  You are the losers that a free Society unfortunately breeds in its efforts to right itself.

We understand in America that the Republican Convention is the night that the Republican Party has a right to celebrate.  We would not dream of trying to ruin their festivities because we understand that is not the American way.  They are coming from all over America to Tampa and many of them rarely,if ever, have traveled to Florida before and will have shattered nerves in their rush to get from the airport to their lodging as it is, without the threat of a possible hurricane.  It takes the mentality of an imbecile to add to their already trepidation.

In the entire history of the World, anarchy,hate,terrorism, and violence of any kind has only led to the death of innocents and self-destruction.  It has never effected change when it was born out of revenge, stupidity, or hate of  gangs, anarchists and terrorists. Without a doubt, all of you who encourage or practice the same, hands down, are the dumbest amongst us with a heart of stone and a cruel streak that will ultimately be turned loose on those who you do care the most about along with yourself.

They will be the ones who are left to pay the price for your hate and stupidity, because they always are, the ones who suffer the most, and only second to your victim’s loved ones. Where your hearts should be is over-ridden with your need for revenge and instead the victims along with your own loved ones are left with a wound that can never heal while you face a certain death. Where is the intelligence in that?  You nor those who promote the revenge and hate  or righteous attitudes can ever win because your thinking is so misconstrued that it renders you stupid and stupid never wins.  It only leaves behind the victims families along with your own to grieve the injustice you create out of ignorance, while your loved ones remain despised

Prove me wrong; that you are not the dumbest amongst us and cowards, by giving it a rest, at the Republican Convention in Tampa and the Democrat Convention in Charlotte.  The best direction you can take is to read a book or turn on the unfiltered news and try to learn something, because right now  it is apparent to all of us, a little education is what  you need the most. Trust me you will be rewarded as knowledge is the one gift that no one can ever take from us while we are still breathing.

As Americans our very worse days are better than the rest of the World who live under the threat of bombings and guns.  If you are helping to create the same atmosphere in your own neighborhoods then wave the white flag and call a truce. When you work towards keeping  your best days ahead of you and your worse days behind you, by laying down your bombs and guns now, you will find the hope you seek.

Your Moms along with the majority of all Americans, who want you to work with us to effect the change peacefully, that is still desperately needed by changing the minds and hearts of those who are trying to deny all of us our rights will be the most grateful, when you do. President Obama and the Democrats can not fight those who are denying us our rights and freedoms and do it alone, without us. We all are at our best and strongest when we are all working together.We need you to join us at the election polls because some of us will be eliminated by their voter suppression laws and we can only win in numbers.  Vote in November

Read Full Post »

The Real Reason It Matters

“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with the truth in large matters.”  Albert Einstein

We all have heard by now that Mitt Romney found great humor in being a bully while in highschool. While the media tries to make their usual dismissals of,” boys will be boys”, we have heard from those involved that this wasn’t just a prank but an out-and-out assault against a student who did not meet with Mitt Romney’s approval when it came to his appearance. For those that do not know Mitt led a group of classmates in the act of wrestling down a younger student and cutting off his hair because Romney did not like the fact that the student wore his hair over one eye.  Mitt has been quoted as saying,” that it was just wrong to wear his hair like that.”  He also said,”atta girl”, every time another student spoke up in class. The Conservative spokes people as well as the Romney campaign heads are trying to cloud the fact as well as dismiss it as a prank and  something that happened years ago and is ridiculous to even discuss.

The real reason that we should care about this is because Mitt Romney says,”He doesn’t remember it.”  This is something that his fellow classmates, who were involved in, have deep regrets of having done all these years later.  The victim was scared to death and had tears in his eyes.  Mitt saying he doesn’t remember is something I find personally disturbing as that in itself is symptomatic of an uncaring personality who does abuse.  We form our personalities by the age of 3 and grow old as we grew young.  When empathy for others is missing in highschool it also is missing in adulthood as a general rule. As Dr. Phil is famous for saying,”the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.”

The  thing that leaders and bosses who do have empathy find difficult to do is to have to fire someone who has put their loyalty and life into a job.  This is the reason that “hatchet men”, are hard to find and are paid well.  This accounts for a great deal but certainly not all of Mitt Romney’s income.  It also explains why a bully or an abuser would find it easy to lay off people making $40.00 an hour and take away their pensions in the process while bragging about forming $10.00 an hour jobs for  people at Staples.  Mitt Romney understands how to restructure Companies to the benefit of the owners but does he have any real understanding of the people he fires?

Is the reason he can’t relate to the pain of the middle class the same reason he coud not relate to the tears and pain he caused others while in highschool?  As someone who attended an all girl’s boarding Academy in the 1960′s and socialized with boys who also attended all boys boarding Academies later in life. I can assure everyone the subject of what was called fruits and queers were very much front and center in these schools in the 1960′s.  For Mitt to indicate that it was not spoken of in the 1960′s is just another one of his convenient memory lapses or lies.

Anytime  all girls board together or all boys board together there is always the fear of sexual experimentation taking place between them on the part of the staff.  It is true now and has been true for generations and including the 1960′s. The idea of or possibility of gay behavior is always front and center in the Private boarding Academies in America especially those that have Church affiliation.  Any girls found sharing the same bed by studying together or even a group of girls on the same bed laughing together was punished with quick action in the 1960′s as was any boy who was found with his hands under the covers.

The students were not stupid and we shared many jokes in regards to the paranoia of the staff thinking that the staff thought we were queers as did the boys who attended  boy’s Academy.  Thursday was gay day and anyone who wore yellow in the 1960′s on a Thursday was accused of being a queer.  Any girls who skipped or held hands were also called the same.  In the 1960′s it was the talk of all boarding schools across America and for Mitt Romney to deny that was not a part of his motive when he said,”atta girl”, is just another one of his convenient memory lags or another one of his lies. Character in our leaders should matter as without it we will be the ones that get cheated next.

And finally then the fact that these same people who protest the portrayal of, Mitt Romney, as a bully all these years later, are the same ones who are still saying that President Barack OBama was not vetted before taking office;They are still  passing it  around amongst them and are the same people who are still spreading the lies about President OBama, all over the social media. They are the same people who are calling an act of a bully just a prank. President OBama was even forced to show his birth certificate by these same people.  When he was investigated as a 3-year-old,as to where he attended grade school, who his Father was,and what his Religion is,and the disgusting list of investigations that took place on the background and checking of the same from infancy until today still did not convince them that President OBama is a qualified and honest leader.

Even after all their attempts to prove he was unfit some of these same people still claim President Barack OBama is not a citizen of the United States or a Christian.  How dare these Carl Rove hypocrites now yell when we find that the same Mitt Romney, who cannot remember being a bully in highschool because he could not relate to the pain and tears of others, is not too unlike the Mitt Romney on the campaign trail.  Even those who will vote for him are finding Mitt Romney cannot relate to the pain of the working poor or the middle class today, either.

When the media pretends that none of this was reported then it just adds insult to injury as to the level the Tea Party and Conservatives  have influenced both the Republicans as well as the main stream media. Mitt Romney’s highschool days are certainly fair game when  Mitt takes credit for things he neither accomplished or failed to do as an adult,  while blaming President OBama for both his own weaknesses and does the same for the obstructionist of the Republican Congress. We cannot even accuse him of selective memory as there seems to be no truth in that anymore than what comes from his mouth.

When we understand how far back the problem with lying runs in Mitt then we have a better understanding of the theory that ,”We grow old as we grew young.”  When we walk into the voting booth then we will be able to answer for ourselves in November,the question,”How important is character to us and are we able to sacrifice just a little longer knowing our President is working for us?” Vote in November.

Read Full Post »

How Much Do We Need To Know?

I was watching a cable network show the other day, and the question asked of the viewing public was,”When will the government tell us the truth about the Iraq War?”,there were a various number of answers and of course the ever stupid one blaming OBama, but in truth just how much do we need to know?

Those of us who do not bore ourselves with research,read, or study foreign policy probably did not understand that British Petroleum owns 66% of Iraq oil rights and American Corporations owns 18% with Iraq having more oil than, any Country in the Middle East. American oil reserves were at one of the lowest if not the lowest before we went into Iraq. Since we had sanctions against Saddam Hussein he was refusing or making it difficult at least for British Petroleum and American oil companies to get their oil out to the refineries.

Cheney served on the board of Halliburton for years, before becoming Vice President and I believe history will show that he spear-headed the movement into Iraq and the war as plenty have indicated the same. Once an oil man always an oil man is fairly common as with most other occupations. Our other allies did not go to war with us because it was a commerce problem not a problem for war.The American people as well as members of the military, Congress and the Senate were incorrectly led to believe that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and when none were found just as the people on the ground, whose job it was to report back to the U.N., had told the United Nations previously before our going to war, then the people were lied to and told they had faulty information.

Since I did know this,as I regularly check out foreign policy.gov, and I believe that oil is no excuse to go to war, I was very much against the war in Iraq. I believe unless the people or our allies ask us for help, as the Libya people did, we should remain neutral other than when we are attacked on our soil or the soil of our allies or for humane reasons when we are asked to intercede.

America was very much justified to go into Afghanistan and Pakistan,once we had been attacked as we were by Osama Ben Laden. I believe we are justified, to enter any country to eliminate him. I am neither a Pacifist or a Hawk, but I do believe that America should and does have a right to eliminate injustice when asked by those who need our help, since we have the most superior of all military in the World. However after once entering and they feel confidant to continue as Iraq did, we do need to leave when they ask us to. Many times communications or sanctions can solve more than war, and we owe it to our young men and women to open up communications before going to war.

Although I would never advocate that the American voter bury their heads in the sand, or not educate themselves, before going to the polls to vote on the candidates, who do run for office, a great deal of American interests does need to remain in secret in order to better protect our own shores from terrorism,to safeguard our military personnel over-seas, and to serve Democracy. It is no different from a drug bust ever being made, a murder solved, a chop-shop broken up or any crime solved, if the press and criminals were all aware of what the authorities were doing.

The important thing is that our military, regardless of what they were told, fought with honor and after leaving Kuwait today, will all be home, with the exception of 160 troops who are still training the Iraqi troops and those who will remain to protect our Embassy, in Iraq. We need to understand that those who have and are coming home, in so many ways, their war is still going on and may continue doing so for years, while they battle against both physical and emotional wounds. Their families who are making the adjustments and who sacrificed right along with them, will learn as all war families do, that a different person from whom they knew, has returned home. We Americans must never forget their sacrifice when or if the legislatures try to dismiss the long-term care that many will need and have earned.

Our men and women fought with honor, in many cases, to save and spare their own comrades while the great majority of we Americans went on with our lives. It is now time that we rise to the occasion of meeting their needs. We all must remember that 1/3 of our homeless are military vets, when we take umbrage with the poor, and fight for them, when they can no longer fight for themselves.

Before you accuse me of seeing UFO’s and or The Loch Ness Monster, since the Day of the Trojan Horse, much of what has been told to the people, is not always as is, when it comes to matters of war. Even the Civil War began as a war over secession over high tariffs charged by the North to the South and later changed to a war over slavery.For those who think the movies resemble war-time then we all need to reassess reality. There has been much conversation, about the drone that was lost by the CIA into Iran. So much of espionage looks different to the civilian population than it does to those who do know exactly what they are doing.

Because the press sometimes keeps us too well-informed, I can simply say, if I was Iran, I would at least take the smirk off of my face if not consider destroying it, rather than risk the fact that it wasn’t a deliberate “Oops” moment. Do we even know if it is fully equipped or with what or was it set down to mislead? It would not be the first spy plane, that was set down to mislead those we were at war with. I acknowledge that it also may not be anything less than reported, but we too quickly want to believe the worse in the news about OBama or are too quick to accept the spin doctors who promote or pay for the lies that we hear, instead of realizing none of us know a damn thing, if we do not ever question what we read or hear.

A good example of what is currently being reported as fact is that the Republicans are expounding and that is that the Keystone pipeline will produce 20,000 jobs and not cause the American tax payers anything. The truth is the Company itself as well as Cornell University, who makes a point of checking the facts out, says it will produce 6500 part-time jobs and lead to 50 permanent jobs while the Republicans continue to hold up the tax break to the middle class tax payers, without the Keystone Pipeline included.

I think it does us all well to remember:”that a great deal of what we don’t know, does not hurt us,” when we are ignorant of those who do protect our best interest in the World. The inter-net along with some establishment owned networks, some cable television news,radio air ways and print owned by Murdoch and the establishment make it a habit to spin the truth to those of us who would remain better off not knowing their brand of so-called truth. Let’s face it,most of all the lies we hear, even when it is not on the inter-net,media, newsprint or from a politician, do come from an insecurity complex or a narcissist, or an ego or the establishment. As teenagers we seem to know this and sadly, as adults we resign ourselves to accepting it,or worse yet, go into denial and believe the lies.

What we all need to remember is just where our priorities should be and what we should make a point to know and that is during this Christmas, or if you prefer Holiday Season, our goals need to be “Goodwill towards our fellow-man, woman and child,who are in need and or suffering whether it be our own family or our neighbors, and especially that our thoughts and prayers go out to all of our military families.”

I will use this medium to tell all military families.”Thanks to you all” for your service and sacrifices for us, and speaking for myself,I greatly appreciate your heroism, even though I was against the reason we went to war, I am capable of admitting that I was wrong, when I hear about the dreadful treatment suffered by the people under Saddam Hussein.

I just like some of you,would have felt better about the sacrifices you were asked to make, if America had gone to war for humane reasons or if the Iraqi people had asked us to come in, and without the lie of weapons. I have lived enough years to know that even when life may look its darkest or the reasoning behind it is not always sound, more times than not, another door will open and flood brightly with light on the justice of it all. It will all make sense with time, when the press stops reporting the negatives and lies against Obama being weak, and catches on to the protection Iraq will have as an ally of America. War is hell and rare has it been when the troops left, they did not feel the quilt of leaving behind the misplaced people.

The possibility of having a new ally sitting between Israel and Iran, not to mention getting rid of a cruel dictator, is already telling us your time was worth much more than perhaps you can now appreciate, as you gave us more than any of us dared hope for more than a decade ago when Saddam Hussein turned against America, after we set him up with technology and weapons. The potential for a civil war looms great, and I ask patience of us all, while the Kurds, Sunni and Shiites fight for supremacy, as I know it will be hard on the Iraqi people and require more sacrifice on their part, as well. Once there is a victor, then we will begin to see your sacrifices recognized, right along with theirs’.

Once trade opens up between our two Countries and the American people see our economy turn around because Corporations will be forced into hiring back the workers out of need to produce, as we join with our ally in shared interest of rebuilding Iraq and bringing security back to the Iraqi people, then your efforts will become a part of the history you sacrificed for, and the naysayers will know just how much you did contribute to the American welfare, on the back of your own suffering. What the politicians could not accomplish you will accomplish and we will all be better Blessed for your sacrifices.

I am confident that we learned our lessons from what happened with Saddam Hussein and have another chance to be more firm, observant and ever watchful, thanks to your sacrifices. Never forget,” your second wind.” as those of us who care, respect you when you lose sight of it. God Bless you all and again, Thanks! Welcome home where you belong!

Read Full Post »

Dr. Laura And Her Confusion

Dr. Laura does not have her facts straight. After watching her groan and moan about having her Freedom of Speech denied her last night on the Larry King show, it would seem that someone needs to clarify the terms that she bantered about. In order for a person to have their freedom of speech denied them, a government official or Agency must move in and shut down the radio or television program or have a person’s protest or point of view censored or stopped. That did not happen.

In America, a person still has a right to agree with or to disagree with anyone that they wish. When private citizens choose to disagree with each other we all, including Dr. Laura, are practicing our freedom of speech. We live in a day and age where no one seems to understand that opposing points of view are not signs of hate but just what they are. They are opposing points of view. If we use derogatory terms in expressing those points of view or stoop to name calling, and we make our living off of the listening or watching public, then we can bet that someone will be offended and call us on it. The person using those terms is spewing hate, not the people calling her on it

That is exactly what happened with Dr. Laura and she can rant and rave all she wants but the truth is she stepped over the line of common courtesy and decency and in doing so she was called on it. Her Freedom of speech was not in any way threatened. If she is going to use the “N” word or call gays “errors of nature” or “deviant”as she has, she along with anyone else who uses the public airways and talks on a talk show had better be prepared to acknowledge, that they not the government, are bringing controversy on themselves.

People that are going to make a living on their point of view, must certainly know even when Dr. does not preceed their name, in a civilized nation they still have a responsibility to their listening public. Dr. Laura is not HBO as she tried to use in her defense, but she is supposedly using the moniker of Dr. and as such should know appropriate conversation, when representing the profession, does not include ideals or use of words that are both bigotry and demeaning to both gender and race.

The fact that she gave notice in order to have more freedom to spout those points of view on the inter-net is her option to do so, just as it is our option to choose not to listen to what we feel is offensive. We all have a right to feel that we are all winners with Dr. Laura making the choice that she did.

Neither do we the listener need be offended any longer but Dr. Laura can continue being ignorant of the fact that she and not the special interests, cut her own career short. When we cause the problem and blame gets passed away from ourselves, do we have any reason to feel victimized? I think not, as obviously, my common sense tells me that Dr. Laura will go on blaming special interest for the fact that she opened her mouth and offended others regardless of how many times she says she is sorry. Perhaps she needs to look up “sincerity” while she checks out “Freedom of Speech”.

Read Full Post »

“The Apple Does Not Fall Far From The Tree”

For those that would doubt the significance of the environment on a child all one needs to do is to take a good look at the parents to determine why the child has such a nasty or selfish temperament.

I do understand that there are a number of childhood diseases that are genetic and come into play when we deal with childhood temperament and I am excluding those. I am not talking about a child that is unsettled, lethargic,or any of the symptoms that do arise as a result of a genetic disorder. These parents are doing a terrific job , in most cases, and we should all support as well as applaud their efforts.

I am talking about children who grow up with a vocabulary of a drunken sailor,bully,drink ,are insensitive to others,are snobs and very shallow. The type of child that, “only a mother could love.” So many times I have heard parents say, “they are only three or four and we can do nothing about disciplining them”, because they have such a fit, so we just give him or her what they want.

I would like to caution parents who recognize themselves in that statement to please have your child assessed by a Doctor that deals in behavioral Science. Sometimes there is an underlying genetic disease that needs to be detected early in life in order to get the best results.

If you listen to others or just accept that the child is spoiled then you do your child a great disservice that could follow the both of you for life and risk a very sad future for your child. Do not listen to the lay people in your family, even when you do know that you have spoiled the child, it is still important to seek the advice of an expert.

Once you do have a satisfactory diagnosis of good health and the child is spoiled, it is time for you to become the parent and the child to become the child. Right now you are letting them parent and you are on a severely destructive path for both them and yourself. These are the children that grow up and make nasty remarks not just to others but to you as well, bully, are selfish and have no empathy for anyone other than themselves. Many times they are headed to juvenile hall or should be there unless you are bailing them out.

On the other hand if you are in the habit of lying about how you spend money, shop until you drop on yourself, take drugs for minor discomfort, sleeping pills, or drink alone at home, have little to no feeling for the needs of others,make nasty remarks about others on their appearance, then it is time you get help for the both of you.

Your life maybe working for you now but it will never last. Most people eventually grow up, and understand that life holds more than a shallow way of existing. External looks fade. People lose their jobs and go broke. Mates will tire of the constant debt or harassment and shallowness of your persona. Some people will hang for years longer than most will, when there is an evil temperament in a person, but many times the relationship will become explosive because you, yourself, have simply pushed it too far or too hard for too long.

There is no disgrace in asking for and getting medical help. There is a great deal of disgrace in denying that you have the problem and are forcing others to deal with the pain and hurt that you create in the lives of so many others. Our children copy us from mannerisms, actions, and words that come out of our own mouths and as lonely as your life will become without getting help, it is nothing in comparison to what your child’s life will become.

A life based on appreciation that comes naturally, and gratitude that follows and lasts, as well as compassion for mankind, is a life we should all wish for our children as well as ourselves, as only then will they or we find happiness. We owe them that.

Read Full Post »

Good Marriages That Last And Why?

If you were expecting me to write about a good marriage being about the husband bringing home flowers and bubble bath and being greeted at the door with the wife in a sexy outfit and looking like a million dollars then I am sorry as I am going to disappoint you. If people expect that in a marriage then perhaps the mistake is that they got married in the first place. Perhaps they should have continued dating. However if that is the couple’s idea of a perfect marriage then by all means, go for it. I think many of us will be amused to see how long it last before that too reaches a level of monotony. The facts are marriages spread over a life time will have moments of boredom with each other, arguing, and sometimes not look real pretty to other people looking in on it.

A good marriage that last is a marriage where the couple determine the ground rules for themselves. What makes each of them feel validated. As terrible as the marriages I wrote about yesterday sound to most of us they may be the marriage of choice that has been established by the couple. Some marriages work on “the don’t ask don’t tell” aspect of their marriage. One that comes to mind but none of us know it for sure perhaps is the Hiliary and Bill Clinton marriage. Perhaps there was an understanding if you get caught lie about it as long as I don’t know about it we will be o.k.? I’m certainly not starting a rumor here but only using it as the reason the couple I wrote about yesterday that live together in silence next to each other appear to be shocked when we ask them if they are o.k.?

People grow up sometimes feeling more comfortable in a dysfunctional setting than they do a healthy setting. Lets face it where are Bill and Hiliary Clinton going to find a mate who is more compatible to them when it comes to intelligence, competency, shared interests in both humanity and world affairs, that high of an energy level and mutual goals? Perhaps those are higher priorities in their marriage whereas monogamy is a higher importance to others. The other option would be that they have a higher tolerance level for mistakes and forgiveness. Marriages are made up of many avenues and not always just about the bedroom and the womb. Sometimes we lose out on way too much in life when all we expect from marriage is romance. It is a very high level of energy to maintain over a lifetime. Sometimes we need the support and understanding of our best friend sharing our lives with us in our homes and that sometimes looks like very different things to different people.

Some people deal in total awareness that marriages will not always last with the fervor they start out with. Not all people want the honeymoon stage to last forever. It becomes too high energy and too difficult to pull off 24/7 for most people. The couple themselves will settle into the marriage that works for them and they are comfortable with. People that communicate their wants and needs and argue sometimes will almost certainly maintain their marriages as long as one of them is not looking at fantasy or love being play acted from a movie or soap box as being reality.

People make mistakes, they are going to disappoint us and even hurt us sometimes. The important thing is going into marriages with our eyes wide open and still being objective enough to know that good marriages do not just happen. They take work, mutual respect and validation from each other. What that looks like for some will look totally different to others.

Most marriages end when family,friends, or outsiders are brought in by the couple themselves because daughter complains to mother or son complains to father. Sometimes the parents themselves see something they do not like and they interfere. I think every in-law and parent that are honest with themselves have at one point or time opened their mouth and had regrets later. People do not come with a manual nor do any of us know what life’s steps are until we live them. Most go down the wedding aisle with more knowledge on romance,sex, or lust than they have on love. Finally then a good marriage that last and the reason why it does is the couple themselves decide what they are comfortable with and are determined to make it work. Too many couples go into marriages with what the wedding is going to look like rather than laying down the ground rules of what their marriage will look like. Love isn’t something that simply dies instead it grows and gets stronger.

Will they have children? If so how many? Will they divide up the chores or responsibilities? do they make promises and then keep them? Who will get the cat or dog if they discover they are impossible to get along with and are unhappy living together? Will they tolerate abuse or adultery? Has it happened prior to marriage. What did it make you feel like? Do you want to live with that the rest of your life because the best determining factor of it happening again is the fact that it happened at all. People change and marriages change over time. Not always in the direction that we want them to so it is important that we never forget the significance of our marriage vows and their meaning. Don’t make or take vows that you cannot keep.

I cannot express it enough that we do need to take a good look at what is considered acceptable behavior in the marriages of the parents of the person that we are planning on marrying. The family cultural differences can show up and play a greater role later than what we think it will today. Is there any part of it that we want in our own marriages? Also that we do not own each other nor do we own our children, Both need the freedom that it takes to find their own path even when it may be disappointing to us. Although marriage is working for a common goal between two people it also has two separate and distinct people working together for that goal. Do they lie? Do they truly believe in anything or anyone or do they only agree with or parrot our beliefs?

Never make the mistake to assume that if you want something,no matter how large or small that may be that your future mate will want it too. If we truly love each other and play by the ground rules we establish then thousands and thousands if not millions and millions of us will die in the satisfaction of having known that we had a good marriage.

Marriages only fail when we meet that unfortunate person that lacks character, maturity, or hasn’t a clue of the value of a vow and that people do not march to the husbands’ or wives’ orders or expectations.In short, everything about them is lacking of both character and honor and they neither earn or deserve the privilege of being in our marriage or for that matter,our life. If there are children they do have a right to continue being their parent and to with hold that right only makes you as bad as the bum you just kicked out or left you because they were not capable of honoring their own word. On the other hand if it was/ is you who destroyed the marriage be honest enough to acknowlege it to your self without passing blame on to the innocent. Do not stoop to the level of lies,excuses and denial as all children deserve at least one honorable parent. Most marriages may not meet with our approval but it isn’t our job to determine that either. We are only responsible for our own behavior in our own marriages. Make it count!

Read Full Post »

Are there Couples That Stay Together Out Of Hate?

Sometimes we wonder why some marriages last when we see how strange of relationship they have. Men spend time bitching about the old lady and some women that we know will never quit complaining about the man they are married to. It is impossible to have a conversation with these people without hearing about a problem with their mate.

It goes something like this:
How are you George?
I could be better, my old lady won’t give me a minutes peace!
How are You doing, Sally?
Are you kidding living with that worthless bastard I’m married to, how do you think I’m doing?
The odd thing about it ,when one of them get deathly sick or die they fall apart and never really quite recover from the loss of it.

I know there are couples that only remain together in name only and stay together because of their religious beliefs. These couples genuinely appear to hate each other. If they cannot divorce for fear of going to hell then they are going to make sure that their mates go through hell while here on earth.

They’re also the couples that stay together because “by God she is not going to get everything that I worked my butt off for, while she sit on her butt talking up her lady friends”. Or ” If he thinks he is going to get rid of me that easy after my spending years washing his dirty underwear and feeding his fat face, then he has another think coming.” It becomes some kind of a game for these couples that find it necessary to belittle and dehumanize each other all their married life.

I personally do not get it but it is almost a contest or their reason for getting up in the morning. In some ways it is the driving force that keeps them both going. They are waiting for the other one to die so they can dance on their grave and often say that or worse.

As difficult as it is to wonder why this couple stays together it is even more difficult to understand why the couple that has been suffering a 30 year pout stay together. They’re couples that will watch the same t.v. show on two different television sets in the next rooms from each other. They get up fix their own coffee or breakfast, leave the house and spend the day doing what ever it is that they are doing because they never communicate where they are going or what they are doing to each other.

They have been retired for 10 years since they were forced into early retirement in their 50′s, so she assumes he has a love interest and he assumes that she has one. As long as they never know for sure they are not going to ask and Lord help the person that does try to tell them the truth. When it comes time to making a major purchase they may discuss the finances otherwise they live along side of each other in silence. Usually she lives in her room upstairs and he downstairs or visa versa.

When we ask them if they are upset with each other usually the response on their part is one of disbelief because we would ask them such a question and the response is,”No. He just has his things to do that he likes to do and I have the things that I like to do.”

The other couple is the ones that are lovey-dovey when out in public that make everyone else jealous because they are always holding hands or on the dance floor dancing and would never be seen out of the company of each other. The spite and anger in these two people towards each other in their homes runs so deep that even their children refuse to visit them.

They each have an extra affair going on the side and they both know it and make no bones about what each are up to. They always leave town to have an affair as they are usually professional people, politically employed,own a business or hold a high rank in their churches where image is very important to their financial success.

I can’t believe that I almost forgot the couple that drinks too much or are hyped up on prescription drugs to the point they are abusing them and will fight so loud that neighbors pull up their chairs to listen to the arguments, on their own front porches two blocks down.

These are not the batterers but perhaps were when they were younger. They make their 911 calls to the cops over something as ridiculous as to who gets the remote control or who had it last. If we were not related to them and it was not such a sad way to live we could find humor in the silliness of it all.

They are not to be confused with the closet drunks that have their 2 or 3 night martinis in their basements or family room but refuse all alcohol other than the one or two limit social drink while in public. They drink silently together or are in the habit of out insulting each other with their smart-aleck remarks.This couple either stumbles off to bed or their children cover them with a blanket on the sofa if they pass out and shut off the lights.

I really have no answers for this behavior, beyond dysfunctional, but I offer it as a possible explanation as to why the people that we date do not get a clue when we tell them that the relationship is over. If we grew up in these homes wouldn’t we all have a problem with knowing what rejection looks like or how serious it should be taken?

I offer it as a possible explanation and certainly not as an excuse because we all need to empower ourselves with what it is that we will accept and what it is that we will refuse regardless of the situation. I for one believe that it is the nature of too many of my gender to discount and look past too many things while dating and then when they marry these men they spend the rest of their lives degrading the relationship as well.

It is always healthy, whether we are male or female, to take a good long look first, at what is considered normal in the family that we are going to marry into. We may think”oh well, I got the good one out of the bunch even she/he laugh about how weird their family is” but the truth is some of these things that hubby or wifey are now laughing at will become part of your own marriage as well. It is true that we marry the man or the woman and not the family but people in love and dating are all together different from people who marry.

We all change as we age and the greatest change of all, in my experience, may happen or I should say the greatest reversal back to the oddness in the family happens usually when you and your husband have plans for your children and they grow up and disappoint you. All of a sudden then, it is not all that unusual that couples will look back and say “well maybe Mom and Dad knew more than I thought they did” and then the weirdness becomes very real again, because

Mom and Dad are usually passed on and placed on a pedestal. Because no one sees themselves as the same failure they may see their children as then the strangeness gets repeated. The difference is the parents are gone and the two of you very well may be living the marriage you use to tell each other”that you hoped you were dead before you ever lived that way.”. There is a reason that it pays to be more mature and not to rush into marriage when we do pick our life time mates. If anyone ever tells you that marriage is easy then you my dear, are looking at a person knee-high,at least, in denial.
(please note–coming next,” Good Marriages that Last and Why?”)

Read Full Post »