Grief And Grieving

According to the process of teaching, “All truth passes through three stages, First it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed.Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”–Arthur Schopenhauer

Many of us feel a genuine sorrow each time that we hear of the deaths of children or mistreatment of pets, even when we have not known or spent time with them.  Not all people do, nor do they need to feel guilt if they don’t.  Not all people bond with children or pets and cultural differences in the way we accept death, also plays a role in why some people will grieve profoundly while others feel a compassion and act differently from those who grieve the lost of strangers. This was very prevalent in the attacks of 9/11, as well. Some people also remain more resilient while they prefer to spring into action first.

The NewTown tragedy, is one of many killings of our children by those who use guns but it leaves a profound lost on all of us as a Nation, because there are so many 6 and 7 year olds who have lost their lives.  Even those who do not have any particular fondness for children, can remember those hopeful years of their own lives, and feel that this tragedy leaves them with a genuine sense of regret for the lives lost.

We generally accept the Kubler-Ross model of grieving even though it has its share of critics as well.  The study was based on people who were terminally ill and how they coped with the lost of their health and the acceptance of death and they later applied the same emotions to all lost of that which we are bonded to.  I repeat the 5 steps here;

1.  Denial—”I feel fine”

2.  Anger—-”Why me?  It’s not fair.”

3.  Bargaining–”I’ll do anything for a few more years or one more moment”.

4. Depression—”I’m so sad, why bother with anything”.

5.  Acceptance–”Its going to be o.k.”

Others have added two other emotions and they are shock which most commonly accompanies denial and leaves us feeling numb and guilt.   Guilt is common with care givers who feel they should have been able to do more or with survivors who are involved in the same act of violence or car accident or in death of any kind. It is also common is spouses and siblings,especially when a twin is lost through death or separation.  It directly affects those who fight together in wars, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

Emotions can also be very varied without fitting a pattern of any kind.  They can run from solemn to trepidation to anxiety or to rage and disgust.  Many times feelings of jealousy or envy or even hate can follow when we see other children graduate with their classes or marry or we see other spouses with their mates, even after we feel that our sadness has dissipated. It is important that those who are experiencing many ranges of emotions are not alone but instead with friends and family members until the pain or shock that often triggers these erratic or difficult to deal with emotions calm down. When we are more clear of our own emotions then we can reflect on our own if we have the capacity to do so and know our own strengths and weaknesses. Any shooting of any nature often leads to temporary trauma in all of us.

In years past, the Medical Association did  not talk about post traumatic stress disorder in other situations outside of war.  As modern techniques expose more about the human brain, it is now more generally accepted that PTSD can and does exist on many levels of trauma and often times does accompany shock when death is totally unexpected.

The important thing with grieving is that we all know that there is not a clear-cut pattern for those who grieve.  Many emotions can be involved just as the more resilient or people with a history or exposure to death will feel fewer emotions.  Some may spend days crying while others who have been exposed to death can move on with few tears and gain acceptance earlier.  It is when grieving goes on for months into years with a total sense of helplessness that we should be certain to get professional help without any sense or feeling like we are weak or a failure.

We all have different ways of coping throughout life and a different time-frame in which we grieve.  Some find genuine laughter over memories of loved ones their healing tool.  Others will memorialize their loved one while still others who are use to solving their own problems in life will remain isolated amongst family members and choose to grieve alone.  Some will feel a responsibility and duty to do something first, and then grieve later when things become more quiet. Others will turn to Religion and the hope offered through its teachings while others will commit their lives to doing for others in an effort to feel good about themselves and to help lift the veil of sadness. Some delay going back to work and grieve immediately and find it only takes a few months to reach acceptance.  Others lose themselves in work and delay their grieving, because they feel a need to analyze the reasons why, first. When they finally accept the fact that there are no answers to the why they move on to the acceptance of death.

The main thing is that we acknowledge that not all things are great and that we do understand a necessity to grieve with the understanding that it should not be a lifetime condition that brings debilitating sadness. Some people will feel better talking about the death while others will want to choose who they discuss it with, if they wish to discuss it at all.  Many times those who grieve will blame the innocent bystander or take out their bad feelings on the closest people to them.

Grieving takes a high level of understanding sometimes. We cannot excuse poor behavior as being normal,and need  to understand that we may need to learn three simple words such as:”I am sorry.” Some people become over protective or obsessive out of fear of another loss during the period of grieving.  They will sometimes use poor behavior in order to deliberately drive away others who they love because they cannot bear the lost of another person in their lives. People who have a previous history of relieving bad feelings in themselves,on those closest to them, many times should ask for help during this time, while those who are close by understand this is not a time to judge, harshly.

Too many times we get stuck in one step of grieving and rather than feel the pain or get grief counseling will turn to alcohol or drugs and only compound our own grieving.  Grieving needs to take place, as the longer we delay it, the more problems will arise in the family as a result of our doing so. It is not uncommon for parents to delay their own grieving while making sure their children are o.k. first.  It is important that we understand that if we are not well then our children will not be  either.  Alcohol and drugs in moderation may help with sleep in the earlier days but should never replace or be used to deny the feelings of pain that we need to heal from, through grieving our loss.

We can grieve while also feeling genuine appreciation for having had our loved ones in our lives, and many recover as a result of the same. Some want to leave pictures up as a reminder of their loved ones, while others want to remove all reminders of them.  Some will continue to celebrate birthdays while others will feel a need to mourn. People are all different in their expressions of sorrow and we need to respect the same, but also remain cognizant of those who need professional help in order to cope. It is o.k to find moments of laughter and to look back after a few months or a couple of years and to acknowledge that we were not always rational during our grieving process.  Very many aren’t.

It is important that we understand that various levels of grieving in a marriage often leads to disputes that can lead to divorce if one of the members in the marriage are ready to move on and remember the good moments shared by the deceased while the other mate is still asking,”Why Me?” Grieving too many times will lead to intolerance in couples while it will bring others closer together since no one else can entirely understand their shared lost as clearly as they can.

We can often times treat those closest to us, during the grieving time pretty poorly, if we do not move ahead with the grieving process.  Children as young as 18 months can feel the loss of the bond of a sibling or parent and grieve. Children who lose their best friends can withdraw and be afraid of initiating new friends because to do so feels like betrayal to them. They can not always voice their feelings, or understand them, themselves. Children grieve differently from adults in that they often times do not cry but instead will act out.

Children may have episodes of unexplained rage or with draw into themselves.  When adults grieve it is especially important that when a child loses a sibling or a friend at an early age, that we understand that the children are losing the person in their lives that has always been part of their lives that they have confided in and made plans with for a future as well.  The most neglected lost of loved ones often does lie in the lack of understanding for the death of a friend or sibling, when they lose their friend or sibling too early.

The lost of a sibling is difficult for adults to deal with, but too few amongst us, understands the difficulty as the sympathy and understanding goes more often to  the parents,spouses, or their children. Siblings are often called on to be strong and to act as spokes people instead. The loss of a twin can compare to the lost of a spouse as many ideas,hopes,jokes,love,hate,upsets,plans for the future, and people in their lives are shared from birth and through out their lives. The identity or feeling of losing half of ourselves, when we lose a twin, is most like that of losing a spouse.  No relationship is more involved or longer lasting than that of  a twin relationship when their relationship begins in the womb they share.

What we as parents need to do is to make certain that our sadness does not spread over to our children or lose patience with our children if they are not shedding tears but are acting out. It helps  instead to discuss with them what they are feeling to make them behave the way they are.  Children should not hear everything about the shootings but sadly many will hear it from other sources and we need to be aware of the fact that details often become exaggerated and lead to nightmares in our children. When questioning them we need to be careful not to offer details but instead to find out what they know or are feeling and answer them honestly.

Just as some adults will cry for days while others don’t, the same is true with children. Children,depending on age, do not clearly understand the permanence of death.  They just know that their parent,friend, or sibling is not with them now and do not understand the long-term of death but feel a real unexplained sadness in themselves. Some will need our understanding on their level to cope without us forcing our own coping measures or the lack of the same on them. Grieving needs to be age appropriate just like everything else in life does.

The tragedy effecting our Nation in NewTown,Connecticut can affect our children around the globe and it is especially important that we communicate with our children about their concerns without expressing our own concerns.  It is alright to say Mommy and Daddy are feeling sad because they know that already but they should not be made to feel as a replacement for the children lost, or be compared to them.

We are each uniquely our own person and that applies to grieving as well.  We will not always be on the same page together nor do we have a time clock running.  If we need grief counseling we most definitely need to seek it out before we are left to deal with an unnecessary guilt or a prolonged sense of hopelessness.  It is important that we also rest during this time, when we can.  Grieving is exhausting and requires that we do get sleep.

Good luck and my condolences are with all of you.  I, like the rest of the Nations around the World, are wishing you the strength to recover on your own time and in your own space knowing our prayers and thoughts are with all of you.  May the goodness of the Season offer all of us the hope that we as a Nation will do something about such needless tragedies, in the New Year. God Bless all of us!  (See my previous post,”Guns And Mental Illness”)

Read Full Post »

The High Risk Of Popularity

Life, as a general rule, is fairly simple, it is people who complicate it. For instance, most people are comfortable with being themselves as well as accepting others as themselves, until different people start picking them apart about their style of dress, way of thinking, their belief system, affiliations, where they live and what they do. How many of us recognize that as children we did genuinely enjoy someone but because we were pressured into thinking something was wrong with that person,we began finding fault with them as well? That then is just the beginning of the real danger of popularity. Combine with it, the fact that parents are all but bankrupting themselves in some cases, to make sure their children are or remain popular, and we end up with a society that has lost touch with their own priorities and the significance of the same.

If we were told, if we allowed our child to drink a poison, he or she would end up being confused, they would perform as a robot trying to please everyone but themselves, lose their own ability to know and understand who they were or what they represented, separate from what their friends thought,would achieve, only to please someone else, many of us would make sure that we would safeguard our child from the poison. However, this is exactly what we insist our children become, when we insist they be popular. Instead we should be making them aware of the fact that they will suffer more as a result of popularity rather than gain from it. Every child on earth wants to be popular but few know the price they pay for the same.

Many times they grow up lost and very shallow as a result of our having forced popularity on them or not educating them in the significance of being true to their own goals. It is fine for children to have the comfort of friends that support their own goals and needs but if they are simply following the lead they are already facing complications in their life.Often times they will fail at something for the first time in their life, when they are away from their parents or group, be the first to do drugs, turn towards risky behavior, and be unable to cope, if they do not understand clearly their own reasoning for saying no to such behaviour. We see many highschool valedictorians become tomorrow’s failure because they peaked early in life and cannot handle the stress of having discovered they are unable to make decisions on their own, think on their feet, or are totally lacking in street smarts.

In short they become lost very quickly when left to think,plan, and decide their own futures, if they have never had the chance to do so, on their own. Some will still go on and be high achievers but they also will sometimes be the person with the Dr.s degree, waiting tables, as they may be both socially as well as book smart but be very life and skill naive. In short they have no ideal of where they would best perform in life so go on and attend college because they are confused as to what it is they do want to do. Although college is extremely important to open doors for our future sometimes others will go on and on with college because it gives them more time to avoid dealing with themselves and their own reality. They have always relied on others, their book intelligence, sports skills, or friends to make decisions for them with or without their own imput.

‘If we learn to rely on ourself and do our own thinking and planning while still in the home with support from our families then we learn the significance of being independent from our group. It is really quite simple. We all know that some of our favorite moments are those times we have to spend alone with a good book and a bubble bath but instead of allowing our child the same, we are constantly on the go in an effort to make sure they do not miss out on being popular or what many foolishly think, prepared for success.

It should occur to us all, unless our child is given time to self reflect, think on their own two feet, work towards a goal that will please themselves,and not always us or others etc., we will not be preparing our children towards understanding and welcoming the idea that life decisions are their’s and their’s alone to determine and make. How can they possibly make them if they do not have a clue as to who they are?

Life is simple, we need to recognize how badly we are complicating it in our own lives and learn to let go and relax a little, or get off our duffs and become the leaders/examples we were meant to become. Our background does not make us the people we become but the way we view life exclusively, ourself, makes us become the person that we are. So often we expect so much more of others than we are willing to do or give ourselves. When we make today, along with all of our own tomorrows, count in ways that are important to each of us, our life will count for something as well.

Read Full Post »

To Travel Or Not, With A Dog

In the past, I wrote about our dog, that I got for the express purpose of travel. He almost died when we left him with our friendly Vet. We had been in the habit of boarding him at the vet clinic for the last 14 summers, when we went on vacation, as it gets too hot in the car. Since he had a nervous breakdown and developed colitis when we left in March, we have had to take him with us, when we leave home. Had we made it back a day or two later in March, he would not have been alive as he was really sick. He is an old dog and I don’t know if it was because he is use to traveling with us during the cold months, that he reacted as he did, or the stress of being apart from us is just too much for an old dog. At any rate, he recovered and is back to doing his usual tricks of running our lives and being devoted to us.

The traveling dog idea, changed fairly rapidly, when I found out the hard way unless it is a dive of a motel, dogs are not welcomed at a great many of the motels and never at the nicer hotels in the areas that we travel which entails most of the United States. He loves to travel and take trips so traveling with him is not a problem at all when we are in the car. Getting out and letting him do his thing is actually a relief to my husband, as it gives him a chance to stretch.

Sure we see dogs in all kinds of the nicer motels and even some hotels but they are usually being snuck in by their owners,is my guess. Federal law enforces allowing guide or help dogs into rooms, but little dogs being carried by what appears to be an abled body person, I wouldn’t think, would qualify under the law. We have never had a desire to go against the wishes of the owners of the motels, so do not even try to take a dog in that is not allowed in.

We are living in a day and age where apartment owners learned the hard way, that if they did not allow the family pet in, they would not be able to rent many of their places. It seems to me, if an apartment manager has learned this, then so should the motel owner also know that they lose money, but perhaps enough people do not pay attention to it and sneak in their dogs anyway.

Recently we decided to hit the antique shops of Des Moines, Iowa( If ever in the area don’t miss out on stopping at the Majestic Lion, it will be worth your time) and were turned away both in smaller Iowa towns as well as Des Moines by all motels average to not so average and finally had to stay at the Econo Lodge that was very welcoming of our dog. This is not just common to the State of Iowa but fairly common across the map. Even though it is not a place we have ever stayed before or would stay in the past, we will definitely keep them in mind, as long as our other member of our family is alive, as we travel. When dogs are allowed there is a deposit made in case of accident or damage to the carpet or room as well as no barking allowed, If we leave we need to take him with us.

It is totally selfish on my part, but the idea of never being able to stay at a luxury motel or suite or eat at a nice restaurant, is not all that appealing to me but none-the-less that is what is necessary if we want to leave home. Usually I stay at the room with the dog while my husband calls in and picks up a meal so we still do eat well but miss out on the socializing. I have found over the years, that there are no strangers at an antique auction,casino, or when we travel and I do miss having to give that all up for a dog with stress behavior so it is easier for me to question why nicer hotels and motels do not allow small house dogs in. I would even be willing to have a veterinarian certify him as house broken and free of fleas, if that would help.

I understand why, with the larger dogs, as some of them are hunting dogs that live outside as a general rule and are not usually housebroken and some even have fleas, that could be a real problem. I would think though that the government could make some money or motel owners as a whole if they would ask for something like a hunting dog liscense as versus house dog ,clean of fleas, from a Vet.

They could even leave out all puppies who sometimes chew and destroy but a dog that shares the bed with his folks are more clean, by far, than babies and children who miss the toilet,track in pizza and gum,spill pop and grape juice,spit up and use diapers as well as more quiet than teenagers or drunken adults, partying. I have never been kept up by a barking dog even while staying in a hunting lodge where everyone has a dog, but I have been kept awake or woken up by plenty of parties.

Anyway, if you have a dog, and wondered about traveling with him/her, this seems to me to be the largest problem that we encounter when we do. We always have plenty of water and food with us and offer it along the way. I really do wish motel and hotel owners would be more aware of this member of the family’s needs. In France and some places in California, they welcome dogs into restaurants.

Our dog is a toy cocker spaniel that gets a monthly hair cut dependent on the temperature of the year, and has never developed car sickness and is always over-joyed to go. The things that we all do for that one special, grateful,appreciative loyal member of our families, who always wags their tail in excitement, seems to have no boundaries in our lives, when it comes to gratitude and action on our part in reward of the same. Lets face it, he does not only run our home, he now determines our trips, Selfish Dog:)

Read Full Post »

Disability Before Acceptance

The in-between stage, from the shock to acceptance of disability, can be and often is a time of turmoil. Even if family is slow to accept or the medical profession itself is not responding to our symptoms, most of us find that we can not deny those strange things that are happening to us, in our own bodies. The next big step is in the frustration of getting family to accept it. In some cases where it is disease over injury, just getting the medical profession, itself, to understand can be an equal frustration.

I recommend family get all the necessary help and opinions that are available to them, as well as research on their own, so that they can understand the disease as well as ask questions based on the same. This is not a time to hide behind denial, manipulation, or intimidation, as the sooner we react the better the results will become, in many cases. Doctors,as a rule, will be slow to volunteer any information unless we do ask the questions.

Once we do get over the shock of understanding that so little is still known or understood about the central nervous system (the system most effected by disease or injury that leads to disability) then we understand a bit better why the answers are not coming. Any of us that do deal with chronic disease or injury get a quick lesson in,” the lesson of cause and effect”, because the medical profession is still leap years away from understanding or knowing what does cause most diseases.

I have had Doctors who leave the room and send in the nurse without answering my questions when I do ask questions and have been yelled at for asking them,told there was something going on in my own environment causing it, treated like it was hopeless so why bother, lied to, and heard a lot of, “we simply do not know the answers.” If your Doctor is not forth coming with answers or explanations, then get another opinon. Doctors, themselves, many times get frustrated and their behavior or bedside manner can add to the already difficult position that many of us face. People react differently to stimulus or answers and because Doctors treat on averages instead of individuals, many times the treatments themselves are either ineffective or can jeopardize our health further.

We all reach our level of acceptance with trial and error and many times feel very lonely in the process. People as a general rule can be insensitive, rude or very unkind as well as reverse and become terribly understanding. Do not give up on them, but if it is necessary to put distance in between, then do so. It is a time to surround ourselves with a strong support system or to accept that we are in it for the duration.

Just a note, to the people who will set themselves up to be caregivers or inherit the job. The more you accept the fact that the disabled person needs to test and find out their own abilities and or limitations the easier it will be for both of you. Many times caregivers will baby or accuse the disabled person out of their own frustrations and this only adds to an already difficult time. For the most part the more normal we make life the better the results. If it is a child that needs to be taught right from wrong then teach them the same as you would the rest of the children in the household. Even if it requires repeating and repeating it is important, regardless of the disease or injury, they learn to behave. It clearly will add to the difficulty, but disabled children that grow up to not understand their own responsibilities to society, often times become a further statistic.

With time and a lot of communication and many wonderful people to compensate for the jerks that exist in all “walks of life” when it comes to disability,everything is possible. Hope for the best while preparing for the worse and the results can often times be amazing. We must base that on the accomplishment of the disabled and the functional ability of the same.

Do not get caught up on who can do what or think age matters as many times it does not. Nothing will teach gratitude, acceptance of the unknown, release of fear and knowing and understanding our own priorities in life, more than what the lessons that currently lie ahead of you will teach. Good luck and do not misplace your direction, but expect to fall off the path a time or two, as it is expected and normal to do so.

Read Full Post »

Emotional Beginnings To Disability

So often people are injured or diseased and do not have a chance to even contemplate their life, prior to needing physical aides, in order to maintain independence in their lives. As a rule family members are so grateful, many times, that they still have their husband,son,daughter,wife or loved ones alive, that they dismiss the emotions of the victim.

All of medicine is notorious towards the lack of compassion shown the emotional pain of a disabled person, unless they are injured doing a heroic deed, in comparison to families who have lost a loved one. The research that goes into crippling disease along side of life threatening disease is a disgrace around the world. The religious tell us to pray, ask for mercy or to give thanks for being alive at a time we aren’t sure ourselves, we are better off being alive.

When Dr. Kervorkian seemed to be the only Doctor that understood and listened on this issue, he was eventually sent to prison to serve out a jail term because he, and he alone, heard people when they said, “it would be better for them to die than to suffer the disabling disease”, that would cause them to suffer but allow them to live. When a patient becomes terminally ill most compassionate Doctors will allow a patient to end their suffering by prescribing a morphine patch that will kill them, if and when they are ready.

Many religious beliefs, from the mystics to the common person on the street, hold that pain is as a result of Satan and we must have done something bad to deserve living in pain. So common is the belief that disabled people do it to themselves, that some people hold genuine hate for the disabled. Is it any wonder then, when people left on their own to work through their own pain often choose suicide? After all, we have the majority of doctors saying, “the only reason that Dr. Kervorkian’s patients chose death over life was because they were depressed.”

Never do we hear, unless it is terminal or caused as a result of a heroic act, that the pain was more than anyone could bear and unfortunately medicine still has a long way to go when treating pain, or finding Dr.s willing to treat it effectively. Our loved ones may hear it, after we are gone, but we will never hear it ourselves.

Who in their right mind would not be depressed when people that we should be able to count on from Church,to medicine,to friends, to family would rather blame, undertreat, pretend to understand, or act indifferent to it all, over trying to listen and understand? Throwing a pill at everything is not always the answer either, sometimes surgery or acknowledging ignorance or fault of your own will go a long way.

Regardless of the truth of disability, mankind has built within them, the unique Blessing and gift to survive. It is true that both depression as well as anger do follow through with pain. We do feel we are being rejected by people we should be able to count on. Many times it does become our responsibility to tell Doctors how to treat us, convince our loved ones we are fine when we are not sure we can go on another minute. Many times in their excitement to have us alive or for having saved our life, they will totally dismiss we are grieving our loss of limb or normal pain-free body. Many times we do not know it ourselves.

I don’t care if those of us that are disabled are over-weight, smoke, drove too fast, inherited a familial disorder that went misdiagnosed, or worked at a high risk job. The exact same way a family does not get up in the morning and thinks today their loved one will die, neither does the victim of disability believe that it can happen to them.

Somewhere, along the line, we have become such a physical fit, fear filled, or diet conscious society that we have lost all compassion or empathy for those that do suffer. If you are relating to this as you read it, let me assure you that with time and healing and placing one foot in front of another we who do become disabled, often are the lucky ones.

Unlike, all the others that probably are telling you how to better deal with your disability, I will leave it up to you, to discover how and why disabled people could possibly be the lucky ones. The Blessings are many as are the numbers that do understand and do think you will make it to where we are so that you too do know and understand. Good luck and make each day count more, when you are up to it!

Read Full Post »

To Pre-teens And Parents Of

Although I have written before on this subject, it is such an important period of time in the life of a family that I feel it needs repeating. For you parents that are about to go into the teenage years as well as the youths looking ahead to the time in their life that they will be experiencing more freedom, if you go into these years with the right attitude, you will come out of them with the most valuable lessons of your lives. Both of you will learn the fine art of listening and then applying it, for perhaps the first time in your lives. Parents accept the fact that if you do not already know it, you are no longer Paul and Mary , but instead Mom and Dad of Julie or Jim.

There is never going to be a time in either of your lives that it is going to be more important as well as more difficult to listen to each other. Sadly too many times the mouths will out speak what the ears should be hearing. To the parents of the about to be teenagers: you still do not know everything you need to know about parenting. This time of life is not about you but about your teenagers and their needs. Really listen to what your teenagers are telling you. True they think they know more than you and most of what they think they know will never be shared by the teenager with their parent but this is the reason listening while keeping your own judgements to yourself is so important.

These years are not intended to be just humbling years. The first time you take the teenagers’ confusion and mixed moods personally, you are already headed to trouble. These years may reach down to the very last reserve of your unconditional love for each other and test it in a way it will never be tested again. Please parents be the adult and do not stoop to name calling regardless of the tone of your child. Pay attention to the tone of voice they use ( many times you won’t be able to miss it), their value system,be aware they will often use another person’s name before using their own on issues of sex, drugs, or suicide. There is no time in life more important in your relationship with your child than what these years are. At no time do they need more guidance nor will they object more to it, than now.

As much as we hear about relaxed sexual freedom, many times it is over exaggerated, and children are still getting and passing on the misconceptions that we all had and did when it comes to how to avoid pregnancy,diseases, and reputations. Many times a truly innocent girl is the same virgin that they were when some jerk or bitch, out of jealously usually but sometimes just pure meanness, set out to destroy their reputation today, as they were when we were young. Teenagers in many ways are still just as naive as they have always been. Do not assume that they will learn everything they need to know from their peers.

Too many parents have the mistaken idea that they and their child are the best of friends and their child tells them everything. There may be some truth to it but you do not know everything nor will you until they are around thirty and decide to laugh about it then. Unless you do really listen and keep your ears open, most of you will never hear the most important things you are being told. Teenagers speak in what the American Indians use to call “forked tongues” but is better known today as innuendo. If they are talking about their friends or someone whose name you have never heard, really concern about or hating something, they usually are talking about themselves.

Do not be surprised if your teenager feels that everything that comes out of your own mouth will be misconstrued to mean,”You are judging them or their friends, unfairly.” The difference in the generations are beginning to show up and many times the interpretations can be and are misunderstood. Choose your words wisely when offering advice and you will be amazed how well it is received by your teenager. Make sure any advice given is given to them separate from the presence of their friends.

Try to remember that teenagers are and should be sociable and need a place to land that is not always a planned school or Church activity,unsupervised park, mall or club. Unless we have parents that are willing to offer them both the right to express themselves and a safe place to gather quite often they will find a crowd or group that does not offer them the same safety that a home does. The likelihood that they will be polite mannerly children that no longer requires supervision is fairly naive thinking on our part. The more they are allowed the freedom of self-expression the more they will develop into independent adults capable of growing up to be self sufficient. When we refuse to offer them a supervised place to gather the more likely they are to make mistakes before they are capable of understanding the consequences.

If you offer them a space in your home, that is all their own to use, eliminate all rules beyond your teenagers themselves being responsible for keeping it up and cleaning it while maintaining order, It is time that both the parents and teenagers agree on what their freedom will look like, keep sodas in reserve and order an occasional pizza delivered, and stay out of their space other than perhaps a walk through to an office while the friends are there and most of the teenagers will be glad to have a place to land.

No teenager wants to go to the home where parents are unfriendly or they have to keep their feet off the furniture or use coasters under their drinks. If you are not fortunate enough to have extra space then call the parents where your children hangout. Get to know them. Find out what time your children are leaving and what time the parents would like to have them leave. Offer to drop off some sodas or leave money for a pizza.

To All parents: if something does not sound right it probably isn’t. Trust your instincts, but do not use them to judge. Have curfews and enforce them. If you are uncomfortable with the information that you have about your child going somewhere get a number first and then call it. Remember teenagers cover for each other so make sure you have the address and don’t be afraid to check it out for your child’s vehicle, if you think something is fishy.

If they get mad remember to remind them that you are still in charge. Other kid’s parents are not your responsibility. You trust your children but are not foolish enough to trust everyone else’s children. When names of friends start changing suspect a problem that requires due-diligence and do not rest until you do get to the bottom of it. As a rule your child is leaving behind a crowd that has gotten into drugs or is joining one that is already into something their peers do not approve of.

When children are made responsible for their peers in their homes they will not always follow according to your specifications when it comes to standards of cleaning but they won’t destroy the home either. Many teenagers still have to have a job and pay for their gas so they are delighted to save on gas money and gather to play wii or board games, listen to music, or watch movies on DVD or telecast with free cokes and occasional pizzas. When your children are home you are the parents that benefit the most as you more than anyone else will get to know these truly wonderful young adults. Also you always know where they are and they are safe. The extra sleep lost or expense paid out is well worth the peace of mind. I speak from experience, relax and enjoy the time as it always ends too soon.

Read Full Post »

“Its The Way We Roll”

A while back when I asked my 5-year-old grandchild why he liked to put so much cinnamon on his oatmeal, he replied, “It’s the way I roll, grandma.” We often find young children comfortable with being who they are and it is only as they age that they start changing their own personality to conform into the thinking or the lifestyle of others. We are all born with a creative side to us and those that are encouraged to express that side often times will be the great artists amongst us. So often many of us do grow up to put more emphasis on becoming the person that we think others want us to become instead of remaining the person that we are meant to be.

It is when we lose sight of what makes us strong as a human and the talents that we possess that we often fall into the trap that others set for us. “Misery loves company” proves itself out long before we reach the knowledge of what effect that misery does have on our own persona. The more negative the people are that we hang with the more likely we will become just as negative. The only way most of us can go back to enjoying life again, as we did when we did have the courage to believe in ourselves, is to detach ourselves from those that do want to make misery their companion.

Although I noticed early on in life that when children start acting out it is usually as a result of wanting to be the center of attention, it took me much longer to recognize that people who are miserable actually get off on misery. In some ways when children are feeling neglected or are confused as to where they fit into the family, they will act out and start talking back. Often times the eldest child will become the confidant of the adults and no longer know if he or she is now an adult or a child. Too often we parents will share adult problems with children that should still be involved with play. Many times when a child does act out they will find that, “the squeaky wheel gets the most attention” and as long as they are getting attention they do not much care if it is positive or negative as long as the parents are focusing on them.

This is the same principle that adults use when it comes to constant complaints. The person capable of taking care of their own needs and does not borrow from our time or attention often times goes ignored and gets set to the side. I asked my cousin who taught Psychology at the University and had years into private practice if he thought there were people who did use misery in order to be happy or at peace.

At the time I was worn down by two people in my life that I foolishly thought at one time I might be able to help, but was realizing that they were draining me of my energy with their hard luck stories and it was taking a toll on my own health. My cousin, the Doctor, was quick to answer, “Oh sure there are people who are happy being miserable” When I recognize them I always refer them out to another psychologist that will take the time to listen to them as that is all they really want, is to be heard and the focal point.” He then added that he got into Psychiatry in order to help people understand or change their lives in order to live a more satisfactory life and so often people who enjoy being miserable are already getting what they want, and do not want help to change, so he referred them to Dr.s more interested in gaining revenue.(Please note: people with severe mental illness who are incapable of understanding reality or living it do not fit this pattern)

I found, that if I refused to answer the phone as I was busy, that the two people in my life at the time, would deliberately call and call and wait until I finally would give in and answer the phone and would then hang up on me. It gave them the sick idea that if I would no longer listen to their constant complaints nor allow them to manipulate me, then they would show me what it felt like by hanging up on me. Never mind the fact that I could care less as I wasn’t in the habit of complaining to them nor was I asking anything of them anyway. I do have to admit that the constant calling was irritating at the time.

By their own immature actions it actually relieved me of all guilt or need to feel responsible to either of them again. Prior to this I would even save and sacrifice my own financial lifestyle in order to pay their expenses or take them somewhere to try to lighten their moods. I was being manipulated to the point that I was losing touch of my own priorities and doing for one of the families what I needed to be doing for my own.

Once I realized that misery was the level that they all drew to, to try to out miserable each other with who had life worse or to gain sympathy in order to use others, it was then my option to gain control of me again.

I still do acts of random kindness for one of them, because of her place in my life, but it is on my time frame and my availability to do so. I find great peace of mind in the idea of leaving the others to enjoy their misery. I am back to being the person that I had lost and loving every minute of it! When we realize as great of a friend as we are to others is the same friend we can be to ourselves, we learn to be grateful and appreciate our own lives that much more from having had the experience.

This is the best way, that I have of explaining to anyone, why it is that we can many times make our own lives as simple as or as complicated as we want to make them. How about you–Do you have any “misery seeking company” in your lives? Usually these people do start out needing our help and sympathy but many times they will become comfortable in the role and unless we learn to back off they will never seek out their own happiness by letting go of their misery. Lets face it, they are getting more attention,gifts,excuses, entitlement, and praise through sympathy than they ever got through being responsible because we are guaranteeing that they do.

Read Full Post »

Happy Days! Happy Time Away From Labor!

We are going into 4 or 5 days of refreshing and relaxing days of vacation and following are my wishes for all of us: that we take this time to do just that. Refresh and relax with ourselves or our favorite people. Steer away from the bigots, self-righteous, off centered control freaks in your life and forget your problems. Take time to live out your dream, appreciate and be grateful. Give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday.

If you have someone in your life that refuses to relax and enjoy then do yourself a favor and take a walk, shop a bit, or fix your favorite meal for a change. Get a massage or facial, take a leisurely bath, start that hobby or go back to it because you never have time to otherwise. If you do have someone ready to join in, crank up the grill,hit a ball of choice around,(golf,tennis,baseball it doesn’t matter as long as you do it with a child,spouse, or friend,) set up a camp site, do a little fishing or skiing, however you roll, enjoy it. Paint a landscape, learn to knit, decorate a room or read a good book if you are going to be alone. Relax on the people in your life if you are the control freak. If you govern your family with a time chart put it away and enjoy each other by playing a board game,chess,checkers or cards. If you have been putting off grieving then take the time to do it now. Shut off the television or get away from the computer if you are as sick of hearing others tell lies and pass blame on OBama and others, as I am. Warn everyone, that you spend time with, that you will not tolerate hearing anymore negativity and you plan on enjoying your vacation.

Put those that have nothing better to do but groan,moan,whine, and criticize out of your mind and at least momentarily, do something special for you. Spare those around you, your own complaints if you are the one that complains. If you open your mouth to complain, criticize, or preach, close it. Spend time with a smile on your face and have a good old belly laugh. If you get the kids, please show up early to get them as they worry if you are late. Put them first and get them. They are only a child for such a short time and what you do now will imprint them for the rest of their lives both positively or negatively. You have the power to make these blessings of your life feel that you are a super-hero. Please do not let them down as you will regret it for the rest of your days.

If you are an alcoholic do not use this time as an excuse to drink more. If you drink do not drive. Stay off the roads and spare us! If you are a workaholic put it away and spend the hours with your family. It will be the best investment you have ever made. If you are a shopaholic use the item that still is wrapped, has a tag, or return it for credit and make this day the first day of the rest of your life towards paying towards debt instead of using credit.

Use your imagination and do what brings joy into your life as well as the people around you. If you have an election in your State in November you are going to probably see one of the dirtiest contest to date when it comes to saturation of lies,phone calls, and ads. Enjoy this time now as it is going to be a rough time ahead. Happy Labor Day to all of you! Do not become a statistic!

Read Full Post »

It’s The Choices We Make

Whether we are the type of person that always sees the good in people or sees the bad in people first, there will be chameleons amongst us that none of us are able to see through. My previous posts are about character flaws common in people who many of us discount when it comes to looking for a life time mate. We become so numb to the idea that they are character flaws, due to the commonality of them, and instead dwell entirely on what society considers major ones. We often make a huge mistake when we do. Anyone that has been married for any length of time can tell all of us that it rarely is the large things in life that breaks up a relationship so much as it is, the small or petty actions or behavior of people.

People unable to place anyone else before themselves simply do not make good partners anymore than people who become comfortable with lying do. Sometimes we make terrible decisions when we are young and other times we grow up and learn from the mistakes of our youth. The chameleons that get past most of us are not even aware themselves, some times, in what their character flaws are. They genuinely do believe that they too have character even though they have never been tested on it. Other times they know full well that they are pulling a con and are deliberately involved in doing so.

The important thing for all of us to remember is that choosing a lifetime mate is not the same as choosing a friend. Friendships can be and often are, testing grounds for how well we can handle long-term relationships but there still is no comparison between that and marriage. Also maintaining long time relationships is not always healthy for any of us to do. Friends will come and go as well as mature and age at different rates of time and we can commonly end up without having a thing in common or find the endeavors of our youth were much too self-serving, as a result of it.

Whereas a mate needs to have enough strength of character to grow with us. Unless we grow together in character and maturity often times we will find ourselves in a relationship where we are adding to each others’ stress instead of helping each other through it. A relationship based on love and trust that lasts with both the respect and appreciation for each other intact, does take on more depth of character than one that we are planning to run away from if and when it gets too tough to handle.

If you are the type that takes responsiblity on your own shoulders , you will blame yourself many times when the relationship ends even when it is an injustice to do so. On the other hand a great more of all relationships that do not last are blamed on the other person. An example of this, is the person who knows and understands, at least sub-consciously, they do not make a good partner so they will deliberately pick out one drunk after the other so when the relationship fails they can blame the alcohol rather than themselves.

They know they will never stay in a relationship or that they are a terrible nag who more than likely will not change or they have some other annoying flaw so they set themselves up to fail. Others are so convinced they are perfect and everyone else is wrong that no one will ever achieve making them understand their own blame in the relationship. Blaming others is as addictive as the alcohol itself is, to others.

The truth, in any relationship, is that it takes two to make a relationship to work and two to ruin a relationship. The role you play may be much greater or less so, but sadly that makes little to no significance, when it comes to the fact that the relationship is over. Learn from it and do not repeat it. Ask yourself what it was you did wrong even if it was nothing more that your instincts warning you, and you chose to ignore it. At some point something or someone tells us all that we could be making a mistake and we choose to ignore that advice and move ahead anyway. It is easy to do so, especially when we are the type of person that questions or doubts every decision in life we make, anyway.

I both admire and respect the person who does get help and makes it a priority to get well after a heart breaking situation in their life. Too many will turn to alcohol, drugs,curse God and others, or protect themselves for life against ever allowing themselves to get hurt by trusting to love again.

When we do that, we miss out on so much joy in life as well as many times we blame the other person 20 years later for that missing part in our life. If we all would realize it is about the choices we make, ourselves, that lead to both joy and misery, we would try harder to make better choices in the future,and to make our own healing, a priority in our life.

After a trauma in their lives many people will set new goals, after a decent time of grieving, that do set them free from the heartache. They are healthy enough to understand that passing around blame is a waste of time and usually hurts both themselves as well as their loved ones. It delays everyone’s ability to grieve when we make blame a priority over choice. Life is never over “until the fat lady sings.” so go out and make some good choices and have fun doing so, as the fat lady is waiting!

Read Full Post »

Fickle Friends–Beware of these People

We all have or had people in our life over the years who are incapable of friendship, not because we do not enjoy them, but because there is no real depth to their character. They handle friendships in the same way they handle what they are going to wear or what they are going to eat. In other words, what strikes their fancy for the moment or the day. The following then are people who it would be wise to avoid or at very least treat as acquaintances because they will never be dependable enough to earn the distinction of friend.

1. They have call waiting and when you call they use it as an excuse to hang up on you instead of telling the other person that calls, they will call them back. (if it is an important call and our’s is not then circumstances do change. However, if they never offer to call us back but hang up each time then we kinda have our answer as to how low we rank in their lives)
2. You only hear from them when they are complaining about being bored or about someone else. People that especially belittle or demean others will do the same to us.
3. We only hear from them when they want or need something. That can become fairly consistent or erratic.
4. We meet for lunch and they are always short of tip money, or they offer to pick up the tip if we get the meal.
5. They brag about being a bitch as though it should be a badge of honor and use P.M.S. as an excuse to treat others like crap and find humor in it.
6. When they call they talk for an hour but when we call someone is always at the door or they have to go. If they can’t schedule their life around their needs then we are interfering with their plans.
7. They tell us they do not want to talk about that and go back to a subject that has been discussed and rehashed to the point that we are driven to absolute distraction by the entire subject, and they do not seem to notice.
8. They call to argue or to tell us that they read something that proves us wrong.
9. Talking about hell and damnation or our salvation becomes a common thread in their conversations.
10. Most of their conversations are about what is wrong with their spouses or their children. If a person has little to no loyalty for their spouse or children they will be lacking in loyalty toward us as well.
11. They are chronic liars and we catch them in one lie after another, but they accuse everyone else of lying.
12. We hear excuses about how they had to work when we had plans and others tell us that they are hanging out at the local gossip corner or coffee shop.
13. They always wait and call when they are drunk or have been drinking.
14. They form all or nothing relationships. When the relationship begins they are constantly in our lives until they move onto someone else and then we hear less and less from them. They have a history of doing this to everyone they hangout with.
15. they cut us short when we are speaking, to always talk about themselves. Every sentence begins and ends with I or Me.

I learned a long time ago, that the very best friend in life, is not one that makes us feel, indifferent, hateful towards others,puts us in the position to explain ourselves, applies pressure to accept their point of view, or think less of ourselves, but instead one who wants us to choose what is in our own best interest, while they support it 100%. We have people who come close to doing that in our lives but if we expect to have it 100% of the time then we will need to become our own best friend.

Reality is, just like we have our own best interests at heart, so does everyone else have their own best interests at heart. Many times the two interfere with each other and other times they can compliment each other. If there is little to no tolerance for those changes in our life to apply to us in the relationship, but always on the terms the other person establishes, then they are an acquaintance and should not be classified or mistaken with the honor of friendship.

Respect, appreciation, gratitude,trust and love are always the cornerstones of all good relationships but especially all good friendships. The more we confuse the differences between acquaintances and friendship the less pleasant the relationships will become and the more pain we will feel, if we ourselves, fail to understand or know the difference between the two.

(Please note: Many of us will place others before ourselves, but rare is the person who does not place their interests before another’s. If you doubt that then go to a convention where you have an option between what interests you as versus what bores you, get caught in a disaster situation, or have your child compete against your best friend’s child for the same position, and you will understand more clearly, the difference.)

Read Full Post »