Steubenville Exposes Ugly Truth About Rape

We currently are hearing so many feigned voices of shock and surprise about the rape in Steubenville,Ohio, after having had an election while one Republican candidate for the Senate spoke of legitimate rape after having co-sponsored the same bill with the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Paul Ryan in Congress, to define legitimate rape as opposed to regular rape. Another Virginia Republican candidate called rape and the children born out of the same,” The intent of God.”

If women raped men we could all bet that women would be accused of being Jezebels and inspired by Satan if the reverse happened.  We could also guarantee ourselves it would be discussed as the most evil of acts and no woman would be left severely unpunished, regardless of how the rape occurred.

Men have gotten off with the excuse of going into a blind rage in an act of murder and instead charged with manslaughter when they kill another where women are often charged with murder 1 since the judicial system does not equate fear in women with the level of rage in men.  It totally discounts the idea that women can to act out of rage after years of abuse. Where women need a well documented history of rape or abuse, men need to establish little to no history either supportive or contrary to their own word in order to get a lesser sentence of manslaughter or for lawyers to refuse prosecution for rape charges.

When women are prosecuted for twice the amount of time that men are when death occurs in a domestic dispute, but treated more justly in other charges, we do not need to even guess how much harsher Society would be on a woman rapist than they are on men. Why so much shock and surprise over a statement that has been promoted for generations by the “Good Old Boys”,caused such a stir in the elections this year is beyond me.

Let me take this time to clarify the fact that rape amongst athletes has been taking place for generations just as the mentality has existed for Centuries, “That good girls cannot get pregnant from rape”, has existed as well. for the Republican Party or Press to deny the same is what is at the root of the ignorance in America.  To feign ignorance over rape amongst athletes or the idea that a child born from rape is a “Blessing from God,” are new ideas should leave us all sickened with those who continually dismiss the truth.  These ideas have existed since the beginning of time.

In the minds of the “Good Old Boy System”, and unfortunately some women as well, a legitimate rape is one that involves Street mugging or when a rapist breaks into the home of a woman and rapes her.  Any rapes that happen when a woman is in the company of men or marriage or in the man’s Apartment, barracks, frat house or territory, provocatively dressed or drinking, and the woman is raped it is no big deal to this mentality.  To many of both genders feel when this happens a woman is just asking for sex and rape does not happen under these circumstances.This attitude has always existed over the years, and continues being the attitude of to many.

Etiquette stated years ago, and perhaps still does,”One should never speak of politics,sex, or religion while in mixed company.”  Although I believe we have developed too casual of an attitude towards good manners, I do believe that not talking about politics,sex, or religion has left too many of us brain-dead on the issues that should matter and be discussed by all of us.  When we say the subject bores us then we are the ones who lose.  This post discusses all three subjects.

Allow me to tell you,the not so uncommon stories of its’ day in regards to women and rape.   I change the names and do not name the locations but I will not tell anything but the facts in the telling of these three stories. The names or locations are not important as these stories took place across our Nation in Jane and John Does and in anywhere U.S.A. during the era in which I write, along with years in advance of the same.

One generation does not often tell these kinds of stories from previous generations because it has to often been bred into the older generations to keep secrets in the past, or perhaps with time memory does get lost, behind both denial and disease.I begin from the truth of my own memory, that is still well-preserved. I Thank You for that Dear Lord, as I also inherited the mouth to tell the truth! Way back when there were the Landers Sisters writing and publishing the Nations problems, I was nicknamed Ann Landers since both men and women felt comfortable in telling me things that they would not even tell their husbands or wives.

1. It was the Spring of 1959 and an eighth grade girl ,who was rumored to  have been molested by a family member, was dating a young man,and together they had sex,previously,to the young girl attending a keg party with highschool athletes.  She was severely gang raped that night, as a result of drinking at the party.  No local lawyer, would take her case. The young victim had a wealthy aunt who lived 75 miles distance from the town, who could afford to pay for a lawyer, so they were able to hire an out-of-town lawyer.

When the case came before the judge, the victim’s boyfriend had been rounded up and forced to acknowledge that he had sexual relations with the girl who was the victim in this story.  The Judge threw the gang rape case out of Court and his finding stated,”No young man much less young boys could be held responsible for rape when the young girl in question, had previously de-flowered herself and was drinking alcohol under age.”Nothing was said about the young boys drinking illegally,of course.

2. In the Winter of 1964 a Catholic Priest, who the Church knew had a History of molesting young women, was given dispensation from duty as a Parish Priest and instead sent on the rounds of filling in as a speaker while conducting retreats in Convents and All Girls Catholic boarding Schools.  The same happened during this time with Priests celebrating retreats in all Boys Schools, when they had a history of molesting young boys.  The Catholic Church has come clean about their history but so many other Private Schools and Colleges are still denying that this still continues in their schools.  The Penn State Coach is NOT an uncommon story but just one of many.

3.  Going back to my farthest memory, any Sports player or Coach who brought fame to their sports program whether it was highschool, college, or the pros, were entitled to take anything they wanted to take, regardless of the size of the Town, City, or Religious affiliation. If the athlete is part of the team but not a star player then they will be used as the fall guy for the stars to remain clean. Unless it was burglary, where a Store refused to drop charges but in most cases even they could be bought off, if the athlete was a star and changed his ways.  Most Teams, while traveling elsewhere to play outside of their own town or City will have a team of scouts scouting out the local scene for a Party for them to return to.  These Parties since the 1960′s have both girls of questionable morality as well as virgins rounded up to attend.

Highschool girls have always been amongst the attendees of both sports and fraternity parties. It may be cool to a 16-year-old virgin, or not, to think they look older than they do and to go ahead and drink but when these girls do, it excuses the boys from showing the girls, respect. To many believe that when a girl says “NO” they are only teasing and instead they really want sex.  Boys have been told for generations that some girls need more convincing and when they say “No”, they really mean yes. Dress and drinking in women has always been grounds for rape, if they get drunk or even if drugs have been placed in their drinks, at these parties. I certainly do not accept that this mentality has ever been right but pretending we have not only tolerated it but promoted it for generations, makes it even more deplorable now when we deny the same.

A woman or young girl who is unconscious from drugs or alcohol has never been hands off in the minds of some boys and men and to pretend that this behavior does not happen or has not happened in the past is just another lie of the “Good Old Boy System.” I do not deny that there are some girls whose morality can make some mens’ behavior, pristine, but until we accept that prostitutes are raped, then we deny reality.

We fail women and our sisters alike, when we hold all women responsible for the behavior of a few.  All women have always been held responsible for those few women; where as all men and their behavior has been excused because of the behavior of the few women, who would set up men and yell “rape.” Rape is as unpleasant for most women to have to divulge the details and to relive the rape in a Court of law, regardless of their background, as it is for a man to get his penis removed, and yet we have always blamed victims of rape, for causing rape. Women, not men, are raped again by our judicial system.

Regardless, if it is a house party or a frat house across America the boys and men of the crowd are egged on to feel that rape is justified because “Good Girls” would not be there drinking if they didn’t want sex, has always been the mentality of the “Good Old Boy System”This mentality has existed in the “bad boys” as well as the Sports teams going back at least to the 1950′s when I first heard the stories told to me by the girls who had been raped.  Going to a man’s house or apt. under the guise of having a cup of coffee or to listen to his music, has existed for just as long, as a reason for rape.  It doesn’t have to be alcohol and to pretend that it does is only promoting the same lies. I’m sure those older than myself will tell my readers the same statement of fact, if they care to be honest with their grandchildren.

For a bunch of right-wing Republican men and the media that backs them,to feign ignorance or to act flabbergasted at the same while they continue to deny women,that this has been and remains the mentality amongst the “Good Old Boy System,” for centuries, sickened me in the Republican elections this year.  The fact that the media is now pointing a finger at Steubenville,Ohio, as being small town and unique in their cover up of the most recent rape being broadcasted, leaves me equally sick.

No one who has ever served as a cheerleader or been part of the popular or un-popular group could not possibly have attended highschool and had a successful Sports team, without knowing that this behavior took and takes place whether they were or are girls or boys.  The mentality that allows whole communities to protect rape and the behavior and mentality that broadcasts,” That these women deserve to be raped”,comes from a background in which we began early, hearing these stories as always being the fault of women. Too many women who serve on Juries are even worse than male juries when it comes to pointing a finger at the rape victims. To many times the lives of all boys, girls, and women who are raped, are destroyed by the men and women who protect these lies.

To deny that as a fact, has to make all of us ask,”Just how far has America slipped into denial?’  Will we deny that 67 Republican Tea Party members attempted to hold up funding for the Hurricane Sandy victims while FEMA was saying they were going broke and could not pay back the families who had paid into their flood Insurance?

Will we remain in denial of the fact that 183 Republican Congressmen and Senators could have cared less if it cost the middle class 100s of thousands of jobs, if we had gone over the fiscal cliff?  Did we elect them because their ideology is more important to us, than are our children and elderly, who will go hungry or without effective medical care? Will we all do better living on the Republican and the N.R.A. ideology that makes us feel unsafe without a gun in our homes even though a third of all deaths of children result as our having a gun in our homes. Will their ideology make us a better Democracy if we cannot provide for our families?

Does the N.R.A. lobbying the Republican Congress, who followed through on their bidding, to disallow funding to the Disease Control Center, make us feel even safer against Disease? If this sounds like a stupid analogy to those of you who protect the Republican Congress, rape, and guns, then just think of what you, yourselves, must sound like to the rest of the World!

Will we keep denying the fact that 50 some economists outside of Washington are saying that the only thing that is stagnating the American Economy is the 67 Tea Party members voting against the needs of the people along with the far right in Congress, who clearly want to see government go broke before they serve the needs of our elderly? Even Wall Street has joined the side of the Democrats on the damage being done to Business growth and jobs by the uncertainty of the Republican Congress. How much more can we deny until denial renders us all brainless when it comes to human decency and common sense?

I ask you,”Are we now going to pass the blame on to a bunch of kids in Steubenville,Ohio, for doing what men have always done or are we going to finally acknowledge the injustice of it, ALL! The guilty in Steubenville needs to be prosecuted along with others in our Nation.  I certainly do not mean to make allowances for the people responsible for such an ugly crime in Steubenville, Ohio, but it is our Nation’s problem. We all must take responsibility for denying these problems have always existed and still do exist.

We begin by eliminating the mindset that allows us to remain in denial, to the point that those amongst us simply accept it as “Just being the way it has always been,” before another election brings in more of the same mentality that cripples us as a Democracy. To accept it as being the way it is, has always been a second crime of humanity, against both our children and women. Those who tell us they want to go back to the 1950′s morality are lying to all of us about the truth that existed then just as it does today.

I warn all parents to think twice when they think popular,”is all that,” because a cheerleader and a popular girl are twice as likely to be raped than is a less popular girl. These girls also peak early just as the ball players do, and their best memories are as children or in highschool.  They learn ,too often, to settle for less and have a far greater chance of becoming pregnant as teenagers.  The “nerds”, on the other hand, have far greater statistics when it comes to those who go on to challenging careers following a College education and happy and contented lives.  If we parents cannot consider long-term results as a priority in our lives, then how can we expect those younger than ourselves to have common sense?

When we set up our own children to continue under the system that many of us tried to stop, we punish our children for the sins of the parents.” When we lack common decency,our children lack the same.  When we make everything about ourselves then our children do as well. When we as adults deny truth of fact and our children are raised on the same, we create the monster that often leads to more half-truths and false accusations against the victims of our Society.

Ultimately the same mentality leads to an increase failure in families and a bigger concern of increased crime in children at a much younger age. We cannot deny that the viciousness of our youth crimes are not increasing with the mentality that blames the victims over the perpetrators. As a Society brain washed in gun ownership our children have emerged as the losers. We need to hold both parents responsible for the failure of the child while we increase our endeavors to spot and treat both mental illness and drug addiction as the diseases that they are.  We need to give trained professionals who recognize the need for early intervention and parents the ability to get the help these children need through our Court Systems.

Those who claim family values would not need to talk about family values, if they had any.  Conversation along the lines of family values or the worsening of morality ultimately gives our Churches a bad name for failing at their jobs. The Conservative right is doing a bang up job of destroying Religion along with the Republican Tea Party, when they are not doing it to themselves. When questionable and charismatic Religion preaches the “Prosperity Gospels” while bleeding money from the poor and middle class and then blame the poor and middle class for their own poverty due to a lack of Faith, it is time we all voice our outrage. It takes the voice of the people to stand up to the injustices taking place and have taken place under our noses for generations. It begins with placing the emphasis on the right priorities without attacking the victims.

It never solves anything to talk when we need to be acting to stop the mentality in all of the new generations while charging those,” who do not get it”,in a Court of Law.  The mentality of,”Boys will be Boys,” has always laid at the root of the corruption in morality, since the beginning of mankind. If we want to make a difference, then we must begin today in telling the younger generations, who are our future, the ugly truth of yesterday.

To tell our grandchildren that children and women experienced a kinder gentler time in History, is and always has been a lie. Any adult who refuses to accept reality, needs to also accept that they are jeopardizing the future of their children and grandchildren, when they choose denial of the facts, over the truth. When we know better then we need to do better as a Society and as a Nation of laws.

To blame Steubenville alone is ludicrous, because if we leave them carrying the bag for what has been wrong for generations,around the World, we leave all of our children unprotected against rape,guns, and our own stupidity.  For the sake of our children, we must begin with changing the mentality, that we have allowed to go on.  We can no longer deny our own behavior and motives when technology shows us the truth and refuses to tolerate lies.

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Why Do We Lead The World In Suicide?

Today I will offer my own opinion along with established fact that leads me personally to believe what the problem is behind the increase in murder/suicide in America.

We are second in the World in front of other advanced Nations after Montenegro in  percentage of suicides, where such records are kept.  When we think of ourselves as the Nation that people from other Countries want to immigrate to, we have to ask ourselves as to why our suicides are so high?

We  again begin with the N.R.A. interference into gun registration and add to that Americans’ love of the gun and its accessibility to people in America.  When the NRA not only fights against gun laws but also fights against people having to show proof of the lack of mental illness or treatment for depression when buying a gun, then guns end up in the hands of too many people who should never own guns.  They spend millions in litigation to fight privacy laws in favor of gun ownership. With the sponsorship of gun shows by the NRA across the Nation that require no waiting period what-so-ever and the illegal guns of street sales, America is flooded with guns.

Living in the land of guns and honey brings along with it the stress that often goes along with keeping up with the Jones. People do not miss that which they cannot hold,own, or goes unseen in their lives. American workers work longer hours in more extended days straight than any other Nation in the World.  We have fewer and less holiday and vacation days of any other Civilized Nation. We out work all other Nations in the World. Todays’s workers work longer hours than any generation has before them.

A person who struggles to feed their family or to provide basics are not nearly as likely to feel that they are missing out as those who are accustomed to getting what they want over what they need.  If we have paid attention to school shootings at all, we must have noticed that the majority of these children are white males who come from upper middle class or wealthy homes when murder/suicide does occur. It is much easier never to have had it than it is to have had it and to lose.   Americans many times marry their jobs since they spend many more hours on the job than they do at home, and when they find their jobs pulled out from underneath them it can and does trigger murder/suicide in the work place.

We are a Capitalist Society that invests in trade over the needs of the people. We are the only civilized Nation in the World that does not pay the entire healthcare costs of 100% of its people but yet we remain the richest Nation in the World. We  subsidize commerce to a far greater degree than do all other Nations just as our costs of the greatest military in the World cost 10 times more that what the rest of the World combined pays to maintain a defense system.

We live under stress every day of the week and often with wants that we either can’t provide for or feel we need. Many of us have not learned to make sacrifices now in order to enjoy life later. The exposure to goods in America,technology,clothing stores, and all other retail stores leave us wanting or feeling we are being denied.

With the breaking of the backs of our Unions across America by men like Sam Adelson who has vowed millions to eliminate them and the Tea Party Governors along with Republican legislatures  supporting the right to work laws without the same coming up for vote in our States, the middle class are dropping $5500.00 per year. Despite the facts, 47% of the American people who are primarily middle class voted to guard the gate of the 1% by voting Republican in our past elections. Stress in America is the number one killer because of the message driven home by too many for the need to own more, at the expense of the middle class.

When we started closing down mental Institutions because of the absolute abuse that was triggered by the lack of laws protecting our citizens, we went the other way and left our loved ones defenseless when it came to getting help for mental illness.

Previously to closing down the mental Institutions across America and the passage of the Equal rights amendment husbands could declare their wives unfit to raise the children and have her committed without even a record of instability. The husbands word alone was enough and many times he could get a Dr. to agree to the same without even seeing the woman. People who suffered from vision or hearing loss or were slow learners were committed into Institutions.  When the laws were lax towards those who could commit others, so much abuse reigned across America that it led to shutting them all down.

We are now in a cycle where those who are desperate for need of treatment for mental illness cannot get the help they need.  It is too easy to prescribe drugs without any follow-up or counseling.  Some general practitioners along with chiropractors, will prescribe both narcotics and antidepressants that lead to both aggression as well as further anxiety and depression.  In America if a person knows the right people or wants to find someone who will prescribe or supply drugs or guns all things are possible.  It only takes money to get whatever an American citizen wants both legally and illegally.

Even with good counseling and a drug plan that works parents cannot force adult children to remain on their treatment program.  The very symptom of some of the most grievous of diseases that lead to bouts of severe depression is that the patient will be made to feel better and believe that they can quit treatment which only aggravates the disease and makes it worse.

Drugs are readily available in America to both Street people and those who start out life as high achievers.  We are a Country that has a high tolerance for both guns and drugs while our Conservative politicians appear to be against the same with public messages over the years. They in reality will never face off against the lobbyists or the NRA who put millions into their pockets for re-election. Illicit drugs in America makes up 33% of our Gross National Product. Many killings in America are as a result of the flow of illegal drugs and the need to protect the distribution of the same.

We have 17 Republican controlled States that have passed the “Stand Your Ground Laws” with 6 more States discussing arming teachers. Too many amongst us have no concept of the danger of guns because it has been romanticized as part of our culture and of the old Wild West. When these same States are talking about arming teachers they are ignoring that any gun on school property is susceptible to causing collateral damage even in the hands of trained policemen.  They also are denying that even guns that are safe guarded in schools can be easily over taken by the gangs of bullies who often hang out in our school systems and intimidate teachers. When sliding steel pocket doors that close instantaneously and are impenetrable to those who threaten entry  from the outside are being used in facilities across the World the mentality of the American mind instead goes to more guns to protect against guns.

When people who suffer from mental illness are not confined for their own good or their own needs because Insurance Companies refuse to pay and  Obama care is ridiculed and fought against in sectors in fits of rage, then we leave ourselves and our loved ones vulnerable to the stresses and ills along with fits of depression that can and do lead to suicide. Instead of treating our mentally ill and  drug addicts we imprison them.

Any Nation of wealth encompasses people who make comparisons because too many times the politicians themselves will belittle or blame the have-nots while promoting those who have. The Republican Party appeared to accelerate that belief this past election with attacks against the poor in their own leadership and the need to adopt the Ryan Plan in order to deny the needs or in most cases the rights of the people. When those who are feeling rejected from loss of jobs and incomes, or are being bullied by others, are made to find their own uniqueness a fault rather than a plus, we leave open the potential to not only suicide but we harbor those who would take down our children with them.

We are a Society who puts too much importance and stress on the things we own, on beauty,skin color,appearance,money, and popularity. We encourage sameness or like beliefs, over encouraging individual expression.  We too often fail to encourage value in the uniqueness of each individual to express that uniqueness but instead demand that we all share the same belief system. Those who fail to fit into a cli’que of like mentality are often shunned,ridiculed, and bullied.  We support violence in the games we play and the movies we watch.  The movie industry knows and understands that movies without sex or violence will too often fail at attendance and revenues.

Our educational system is not supported by the Conservative causes and ranks low in comparison to other civilized Nations as a result of it. Bright children are too often criticized for their superior intelligence and not supported by a system that inspires them up to their abilities to succeed, due to limited funds granted to the School districts in our States.To many amongst us push our children in all categories that will gain them popularity over education and in doing so, to often it leads to mediocrity while insisting they excel in sports.  When highschool coaches feel that winning is the only thing that will save their jobs they offer steroids and muscle enhancers to their young players and it starts a panacea of corruption in our sports’ programs. The stress to always have more and to do better leads us in advancement in many fields in the world,  but it also breeds the ravages of failure, in those who feel as though they cannot achieve or have been left behind.

We self medicate on drugs and alcohol to cover up feelings of inadequacy or pain, because we place a astigmatism against mental illness. We do not tolerate those who expose our own weaknesses. The people who cause such carnage as was done in NewTown Connecticut, are usually those who are coming down off of a bad drug trip, are feeling neglected, powerless,weak,or worthless. Behind a gun they feel omnipotent and powerful and ready to show others who they often feel have either ignored them or made them to feel less of the person than they are.

We as a Society ignore and deny the power of the gun in the hands of those who would not otherwise kill, because of the control of the N.R.A. in our Nation or the fear tactics used against us to protect ourselves. They are not the only ones who use fear tactics as home alarm companies call and exaggerate home invasions in areas where none exist along with those who promote gun sales and under ground bunkers. The home alarm companies calls are being made in homes illegally as I have received the same  even though I am on the government “Do not call list.” They get around the law by claiming to offer a free prize. People rush gun stores and buy military weapons that have no business in any of our homes each time they think they will be denied their guns by law.

Those who act out in total disregard of human life do so because they lack empathy for anyone but themselves or they feel disrespected. In neighborhoods where drugs are sold on street corners,others die over drug sales. Others feel that they have been so ridiculed that they can only seek justice behind a gun. They may suffer from irrational beliefs  but they know full well that they will leave behind pain and destruction. Many times they feel that they will be a person whose name will go down in history as having made a difference, while knowing full well the misery they cause.  We as a Nation have romanticized people like Jesse James,Billy the Kid, Bonney and Clyde, Annie Oakley and other outlaws of the old West as heroes over generations, and in doing so we have romanticized the use of the gun to settle disputes.

Those who cause a silent suicide or one that does not draw attention to the outside World often do so because they are suffering, or cannot face the future, or feel that they are a burden on their loved ones.  Others are fearful of the future because they become so steeped in Religious conviction of Armageddon, or that God wants them or their children saved  from a sinful World, or suffer severe mental illness to the point they hear voices from the devil to kill. Other suicide/murders are committed over child custody or domestic disputes when they have access to a gun. Often times those who are afraid that they are lacking because Societal norms do not accept them for the person they are, will feel that life is not worth living or are driven by the need to gain revenge and do not consider the pain they leave behind because the act of murder/suicide itself, is most often an act of “Me Only.”

People who are sensitive to those who criticize, and often times are made to feel they are inadequate or weak are made to feel powerful behind the gun. It is just as likely to be a meek personality as it is an aggressive personality that uses a gun to kill.  America has 18,000 suicides a year where other Civilized Nations, who keep records of suicide, do not reach higher than into the 200′s. In total of murders and suicides we have 32,000 people lost each year. All other advanced Nations who have a much lower suicide and murder rate offer free mental health services that give parents more control over the treatment of mental health and much stricter gun laws.  It does not take a rocket Scientist to understand why America excels in the numbers of suicides and murders over all other advanced Nations in the World

Along with the greatest Democracies in the World comes the freedom to misuse that freedom through both abuse of others and self-inflicted wounds. With freedom comes the need to protect its citizens through just laws.  Americans should have a much greater right to live over the right to own guns.  We need to do a better job in understanding that our people as well as our children should never have to feel that they are less than the need or greed of Capitalism in a free Society. If we keep electing a Republican majority in Congress and in our States, who refuses to act in the best interests of our people, then don’t we have some responsibility to bear for the same? We are coming out lacking as a Nation because of our own lack of demand and insistence on the fact that our politicians can do better.

It brings some comfort to me to see that at long last we have hope at least that those responsible will do something but the proof still remains in the pudding. I long for the days when we can again promote the many qualities of all of the American people who are supported by all of our elected politicians, instead of a few.  America is still the best Country in the World but we need to be honest about our faults in order to make much-needed changes. May all of our politicians be strong enough to stand up against the lobbyists and brave enough to bring forth all the good qualities that are representative of America.  Wishing all of us hope this Holiday Season!

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Grief And Grieving

According to the process of teaching, “All truth passes through three stages, First it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed.Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”–Arthur Schopenhauer

Many of us feel a genuine sorrow each time that we hear of the deaths of children or mistreatment of pets, even when we have not known or spent time with them.  Not all people do, nor do they need to feel guilt if they don’t.  Not all people bond with children or pets and cultural differences in the way we accept death, also plays a role in why some people will grieve profoundly while others feel a compassion and act differently from those who grieve the lost of strangers. This was very prevalent in the attacks of 9/11, as well. Some people also remain more resilient while they prefer to spring into action first.

The NewTown tragedy, is one of many killings of our children by those who use guns but it leaves a profound lost on all of us as a Nation, because there are so many 6 and 7 year olds who have lost their lives.  Even those who do not have any particular fondness for children, can remember those hopeful years of their own lives, and feel that this tragedy leaves them with a genuine sense of regret for the lives lost.

We generally accept the Kubler-Ross model of grieving even though it has its share of critics as well.  The study was based on people who were terminally ill and how they coped with the lost of their health and the acceptance of death and they later applied the same emotions to all lost of that which we are bonded to.  I repeat the 5 steps here;

1.  Denial—”I feel fine”

2.  Anger—-”Why me?  It’s not fair.”

3.  Bargaining–”I’ll do anything for a few more years or one more moment”.

4. Depression—”I’m so sad, why bother with anything”.

5.  Acceptance–”Its going to be o.k.”

Others have added two other emotions and they are shock which most commonly accompanies denial and leaves us feeling numb and guilt.   Guilt is common with care givers who feel they should have been able to do more or with survivors who are involved in the same act of violence or car accident or in death of any kind. It is also common is spouses and siblings,especially when a twin is lost through death or separation.  It directly affects those who fight together in wars, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

Emotions can also be very varied without fitting a pattern of any kind.  They can run from solemn to trepidation to anxiety or to rage and disgust.  Many times feelings of jealousy or envy or even hate can follow when we see other children graduate with their classes or marry or we see other spouses with their mates, even after we feel that our sadness has dissipated. It is important that those who are experiencing many ranges of emotions are not alone but instead with friends and family members until the pain or shock that often triggers these erratic or difficult to deal with emotions calm down. When we are more clear of our own emotions then we can reflect on our own if we have the capacity to do so and know our own strengths and weaknesses. Any shooting of any nature often leads to temporary trauma in all of us.

In years past, the Medical Association did  not talk about post traumatic stress disorder in other situations outside of war.  As modern techniques expose more about the human brain, it is now more generally accepted that PTSD can and does exist on many levels of trauma and often times does accompany shock when death is totally unexpected.

The important thing with grieving is that we all know that there is not a clear-cut pattern for those who grieve.  Many emotions can be involved just as the more resilient or people with a history or exposure to death will feel fewer emotions.  Some may spend days crying while others who have been exposed to death can move on with few tears and gain acceptance earlier.  It is when grieving goes on for months into years with a total sense of helplessness that we should be certain to get professional help without any sense or feeling like we are weak or a failure.

We all have different ways of coping throughout life and a different time-frame in which we grieve.  Some find genuine laughter over memories of loved ones their healing tool.  Others will memorialize their loved one while still others who are use to solving their own problems in life will remain isolated amongst family members and choose to grieve alone.  Some will feel a responsibility and duty to do something first, and then grieve later when things become more quiet. Others will turn to Religion and the hope offered through its teachings while others will commit their lives to doing for others in an effort to feel good about themselves and to help lift the veil of sadness. Some delay going back to work and grieve immediately and find it only takes a few months to reach acceptance.  Others lose themselves in work and delay their grieving, because they feel a need to analyze the reasons why, first. When they finally accept the fact that there are no answers to the why they move on to the acceptance of death.

The main thing is that we acknowledge that not all things are great and that we do understand a necessity to grieve with the understanding that it should not be a lifetime condition that brings debilitating sadness. Some people will feel better talking about the death while others will want to choose who they discuss it with, if they wish to discuss it at all.  Many times those who grieve will blame the innocent bystander or take out their bad feelings on the closest people to them.

Grieving takes a high level of understanding sometimes. We cannot excuse poor behavior as being normal,and need  to understand that we may need to learn three simple words such as:”I am sorry.” Some people become over protective or obsessive out of fear of another loss during the period of grieving.  They will sometimes use poor behavior in order to deliberately drive away others who they love because they cannot bear the lost of another person in their lives. People who have a previous history of relieving bad feelings in themselves,on those closest to them, many times should ask for help during this time, while those who are close by understand this is not a time to judge, harshly.

Too many times we get stuck in one step of grieving and rather than feel the pain or get grief counseling will turn to alcohol or drugs and only compound our own grieving.  Grieving needs to take place, as the longer we delay it, the more problems will arise in the family as a result of our doing so. It is not uncommon for parents to delay their own grieving while making sure their children are o.k. first.  It is important that we understand that if we are not well then our children will not be  either.  Alcohol and drugs in moderation may help with sleep in the earlier days but should never replace or be used to deny the feelings of pain that we need to heal from, through grieving our loss.

We can grieve while also feeling genuine appreciation for having had our loved ones in our lives, and many recover as a result of the same. Some want to leave pictures up as a reminder of their loved ones, while others want to remove all reminders of them.  Some will continue to celebrate birthdays while others will feel a need to mourn. People are all different in their expressions of sorrow and we need to respect the same, but also remain cognizant of those who need professional help in order to cope. It is o.k to find moments of laughter and to look back after a few months or a couple of years and to acknowledge that we were not always rational during our grieving process.  Very many aren’t.

It is important that we understand that various levels of grieving in a marriage often leads to disputes that can lead to divorce if one of the members in the marriage are ready to move on and remember the good moments shared by the deceased while the other mate is still asking,”Why Me?” Grieving too many times will lead to intolerance in couples while it will bring others closer together since no one else can entirely understand their shared lost as clearly as they can.

We can often times treat those closest to us, during the grieving time pretty poorly, if we do not move ahead with the grieving process.  Children as young as 18 months can feel the loss of the bond of a sibling or parent and grieve. Children who lose their best friends can withdraw and be afraid of initiating new friends because to do so feels like betrayal to them. They can not always voice their feelings, or understand them, themselves. Children grieve differently from adults in that they often times do not cry but instead will act out.

Children may have episodes of unexplained rage or with draw into themselves.  When adults grieve it is especially important that when a child loses a sibling or a friend at an early age, that we understand that the children are losing the person in their lives that has always been part of their lives that they have confided in and made plans with for a future as well.  The most neglected lost of loved ones often does lie in the lack of understanding for the death of a friend or sibling, when they lose their friend or sibling too early.

The lost of a sibling is difficult for adults to deal with, but too few amongst us, understands the difficulty as the sympathy and understanding goes more often to  the parents,spouses, or their children. Siblings are often called on to be strong and to act as spokes people instead. The loss of a twin can compare to the lost of a spouse as many ideas,hopes,jokes,love,hate,upsets,plans for the future, and people in their lives are shared from birth and through out their lives. The identity or feeling of losing half of ourselves, when we lose a twin, is most like that of losing a spouse.  No relationship is more involved or longer lasting than that of  a twin relationship when their relationship begins in the womb they share.

What we as parents need to do is to make certain that our sadness does not spread over to our children or lose patience with our children if they are not shedding tears but are acting out. It helps  instead to discuss with them what they are feeling to make them behave the way they are.  Children should not hear everything about the shootings but sadly many will hear it from other sources and we need to be aware of the fact that details often become exaggerated and lead to nightmares in our children. When questioning them we need to be careful not to offer details but instead to find out what they know or are feeling and answer them honestly.

Just as some adults will cry for days while others don’t, the same is true with children. Children,depending on age, do not clearly understand the permanence of death.  They just know that their parent,friend, or sibling is not with them now and do not understand the long-term of death but feel a real unexplained sadness in themselves. Some will need our understanding on their level to cope without us forcing our own coping measures or the lack of the same on them. Grieving needs to be age appropriate just like everything else in life does.

The tragedy effecting our Nation in NewTown,Connecticut can affect our children around the globe and it is especially important that we communicate with our children about their concerns without expressing our own concerns.  It is alright to say Mommy and Daddy are feeling sad because they know that already but they should not be made to feel as a replacement for the children lost, or be compared to them.

We are each uniquely our own person and that applies to grieving as well.  We will not always be on the same page together nor do we have a time clock running.  If we need grief counseling we most definitely need to seek it out before we are left to deal with an unnecessary guilt or a prolonged sense of hopelessness.  It is important that we also rest during this time, when we can.  Grieving is exhausting and requires that we do get sleep.

Good luck and my condolences are with all of you.  I, like the rest of the Nations around the World, are wishing you the strength to recover on your own time and in your own space knowing our prayers and thoughts are with all of you.  May the goodness of the Season offer all of us the hope that we as a Nation will do something about such needless tragedies, in the New Year. God Bless all of us!  (See my previous post,”Guns And Mental Illness”)

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Guns And Mental Illness

Too often as a Nation, we over look the risks and dangers of in-action.  We too many times talk about needing to help draw attention to both guns and mental illness but then the reminders of the tragedy passes and the powerful lobbyists again, win.

The facts are: we do nothing about the out of control gun ownership in our Nation because of the lies that lead to fear tactics, told and spread by the National Rifle Associations and many of their colleagues. People who run for office know and understand that the NRA is only second in power to the American Medical Ass. or the A.M.A.  With men like the Koch brothers backing the NRA, Republicans and Conservative Democrats know they will lose their jobs or never get elected if they even whisper, “gun control”, so as a Nation we keep talking about doing something and then we forget about it until the next tragedy.

When those who claim that,”we need to  grieve first,” I am in agreement with you if that is what it will take to give you the strength later to claim your responsibility to protect the children.  I am equally supportive of those of us who express our views now, as it is when we put a time clock on our expression of anguish, that we too often fail to do anything that will be heard by those who are responsible for such a needless tragedy. In America we need to accord the grieving of all people on their own time frame, because as a Nation we all share in the grief.  When we start judging each other in how or when they grieve or express that grief, then we fail to understand our own need to stop the in-action in us.

What always amazes me is the public outrage or disbelief that these tragedies often happen in small or rural communities.  Mental illness and gun ownership is as prevalent in one area of America as the other. If we recognize that abuse happens in one out of every three homes in America regardless of the social economic situation, and a person needs to be mentally unstable on some level or suffering from depression on another, in order to commit murder/suicide, then we can and should accept that our children are not safe anywhere as long as gun enthusiasts rights are protected by the lobbyists who control our Nation and politicians.

Depression that is sometimes brought on by circumstances in our lives, holds no favorites nor does it care what the size of the community is or the type of community we reside in.  The sad thing is that mental illness is easily recognized by those who refuse to spend their lives in denial, and as equally and as readily treatable.  When Politicians, the law or the courts, or insurance companies refuse to help parents by passing laws that aid in the treatment of mental illness and carrying them long-term on insurance policies, then the public will too often suffer the consequences. We as a society should never condemn the parents for the real frustrations and sometimes fear that they are left to deal with in the interim. We instead need to point the finger at those who are more committed to profit over the safety of our children and ourselves.

We know mental illness results as much from genetics as it does from environment and just as compassionate people should not fault people for the unfortunate circumstances of many physical diseases, we should not condemn those who suffer from mental illness.  When we do not demand the coverage of Insurance Companies to cover mental illness, but too many times complain because our premium costs go up instead, then we also play into the neglect of the needs of our own or are responsible for our own in-action. When we refuse to believe that as a Nation we all must protect the needs of our children, then we fail more than just our children but we fail ourselves, as well.

As a Nation we are hearing the underpinnings of the refusal to cover the cost of the health care for our elderly,disabled, and poor even though Nations less advanced than our own cover 100% of the costs of all of its citizens, without stating as fact, that as a Nation they can no longer afford to do so. When we refuse to invest in the needs of our people, we refuse to keep our children safe as well.  In order for our children to be totally safe in America we must demand that the 17 Republican State Legislatures who passed into law the, “Stand Your Ground Laws”,over-ride the law effective, immediately.

We already have a history of knowing when lay people are not effectively trained, do pull a gun on another or fire back, too many times we will fire into a crowd wildly which leads to more death, or we will freeze up and not fire at all. Shooting at a target or a gun club does not offer us the same reality as actually shooting at another human being does. Guns in the hands of those of us who are not trained or of the mindset, only causes more death and destruction, when called on to defend ourselves or others. Even trained policemen are slow to use their guns due to the collateral damage that is often present. Using guns to protect against guns is simply another fallacy offered by The N.R.A. and those who protect the use of guns. The Stand Your Ground Laws,  have already shown that they are just another death, waiting to happen in our children.

We can no longer let the lies that the hunter will lose his guns or it is against the Constitution to interfere with the right to bear arms over ride our own common sense, while we let the power of those who run our Nation through preying on the ignorance of others to continue. It amazes me and should all of us, that the argument that if they don’t have a gun they will use a knife has led people to believe that as many people would die in as rapid succession with a knife as an assault rifle or a hand gun, has appeased the minds of those who pay membership into the NRA or those who are supposed Represent us in government.

The guns that are meant for self-defense or offense serve absolutely no needs and only adds to the destruction of the meat of the game animals and leads to the lost of human life. Military type weapons and ammunition do not belong in a home where our most innocent of people live or visit.  When the investigation is finished in New Town, Connecticut, we will do doubt hear as we always do, the guns that killed came from the home of the mother,  who was killed and who made the same mistake that too many others make and felt that a gun was safe in the home or would protect her.

Statistically, we kill many more people with guns of self-protection than lives we save as a result of owning the same. When 34 people per day or 32,000 people per year, die in America each year as a result of guns, then shouldn’t we start talking honestly about a person’s right to live over the rights of a person to own a gun?  When we compare our death rates with the use of a gun to those of 600 per year to Britain,who have much stricter gun laws, then something is terribly wrong when we don’t have meaningful dialog on the right of Americans to live over the right of a person to use a gun at will.

If we as a Nation place weapons into categories and then ban those categories we do not deny the hunter but instead deny those who would and do kill. If laws are enforced and placed on us to make us responsible for the handling of the weapon used for protection, then the unstable will not be able to own guns. When the Republican Party refused to reinstate the Brady bill in 2004 or the Violence Against Women Bill in 2011, they made it clear that it is not the people they are safe guarding and investing in, but the lobbyists instead.

When the NRA refuses to take action to ban bullets and ammunition when the only purpose they have, is to penetrate the vests of law enforcement, but instead lobbies millions into campaigns to guarantee the use of the same, then we the American public need to have our voices heard. When we demand that the responsible thing is done to keep all of us safe, then we will no longer need to ask “Why?” When irrational acts are done by those through irrational behavior, then we must as a Nation quit denying, “that guns do not kill but people do.” Without guns, irrational people cannot slaughter our young people or those who would protect them, in mass.

When guns are not kept safe in our homes or those who would use a gun to end life, knows where grandpa keeps the key, we must be held responsible for keeping guns and ammunition unprotected in our homes by the understanding that life is more precious than the need for recreational sport, with a fire arm.  Just as we wouldn’t turn rattle snakes loose in our homes or watch our children do drugs, and then deny that they would not kill, we must quit denying that guns do not kill.

There needs to be laws established to protect the gun as well as the people. If laws were made that would ban the use of a recreational gun, to those who it is not registered to and enforced by a stiff penalty of law, perhaps the most recent tragedy, just as in Columbine,would never have happened. If they refuse to pass the laws then we as responsible parents must understand that guns do kill.  Just as we do not offer our prescription drugs to children without penalty of law why would we offer a gun to anyone who it is not registered to use? Recreational guns could just as easily be stored at gun clubs or shooting ranges or stored in gun safes by responsible adults in the home. If we can put on a seat belt then surely we can safeguard the use of a gun.

We, the American People, can no longer let the memories of our children lost ,be in vain.  It does not matter if they died in Milwaukee, NewTown, Aurora, or on the streets of Detroit, Chicago or Philadelphia, their deaths just as their lives did, need to bring forward meaning to all of us. Their short-lived lives must stand for the end to the destruction done in our Nation by guns that only serve the purpose to kill our innocent people. We can no longer deny that the gun in the hands of the unstable kills.

These adults and children’s lives need to stand for the good in all of us that seeks out and demands the end to such tragedy in our Nation.  We cannot forget the trauma also experienced by the survivors in these terribly destructive killings of our loving adults and innocent children. We cannot allow such destructive behavior to continue to make our children to feel that adults do not stand for their need to feel safe. We cannot continue with the mentality that just because some one is a member of our family that their outbursts,with draw from Society, or fantasy of killing is normal.

When we as a Nation put politics, denial of reality, or sacristy of gun use in the hands of the unstable, over the sacristy of life, then we need to ask ourselves,” just how misconstrued is the American love of the gun over the value of life?”  We all need to take responsibility for common sense guiding us over a misconstrued value system.

Sadly the N.R.A. fights against any and all laws to use common sense in the handling of a gun and the storage of the same. Every lawyer knows and understands that any attempt to control the storage or use of a gun will lead to years of litigation by the N.R.A., just as every Conservative Democrats or Republican candidate understands it will lead to lost of their election run if they refuse to support the stand of the N.R.A.

Do not let the media fool you into believing it is as much Democrats as Republicans in Washington as less than 30 Democrats in Washington are Conservative out of  approximately 289 with only 47 Democrats,both liberal and Conservative in the Congress, as verses 196 Conservative Republicans including the Tea Party in the Republican Party married to the NRA.  When photo opts of our Republican leadership are taken in the presence of the NRA leadership representatives, each election year are seen as a proud moment of the Republican Party, then we need to ask, “Would our voices be louder than the lobbyists if we refused to vote for any candidate who protected or promoted the NRA and their colleagues’ memberships?”

Isn’t it going, “to take a village,” just as much as a city of people who are willing to stop the insanity of killings in our Nation and those who believe that we have a moral obligation to protect our children, to join together, to make the changes?  We have more than ample enough evidence to know that the politicians have no plan in doing anything but talking about it, because they are afraid to take a stand against the lobbyists.

Those politicians, who are committed to do otherwise, need our help and commitment to them at the election polls and need to hear our voices just as much as the law makers and politicians need to keep us safe. Do any of us even know who the Federal Judges in our States are, that we keep electing each election? I repeat:”When the voices and the votes of we the American people”, are counted and become more powerful than the lobbyists in Washington and our States, then we will have a Nation that protects its children.

If  we had spoken up as much for the rights of our children to be safe, as others did for the fetus, do any of us doubt that the politicians would act differently in the hours they put in, on the floor of the House or the Senate to protect our children against violence? When it comes to making and establishing gun laws, don’t we believe that if our voices are heard and our votes counted, that the politicians would develop more of a dialog in doing something to keep our children safe?

All the money paid the politicians by the lobbyists and men like Sam Adelson or the Koch Brothers cannot win an election for the politicians who refuse to act in the best interests of the American people if we simply refuse to vote for them or re-elect them.  The real power still lies in the hands of the common sense approach of the people, when we choose to invoke the same at the election polls.

When our voices and actions are as empty as the politicians, then the more powerful the Insurance lobbyists,NRA,and the American Insurance under writers will remain.  It is time that we make the changes in ourselves now, by moving forward instead of shaking our heads and passing the buck. I have enough faith in the power of the people to believe that we can make a difference in the safety of the lives of our children, so no other family has to ever suffer the tragedy taking place in our Nation today.

I am wishing everyone the Blessings of the Holiday Season and compassion for the grieving of those who have lost the most, along with those of us who have lost as a Nation. God Help us all.

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It Is Not About Us

As Congress looks for and finds blame with their insistence that the deficit be balanced on the backs of the middle class,the students,the elderly,and the poor while refusing to look at the role they play by the continuation of the same, there is plenty going on in our lives that is about us.  While Corporations refuse to hire here but instead send jobs overseas to increase the wealth of its board members, it is about us. When we are not educated to meet the demands of the ever-changing market place it is about us. When weather causes havoc and turmoil in our lives, it is about us.  When we lose loved ones and are left to grieve our lost, it is about us. When others who can afford to do so, refuse to carry healthcare and we get stuck with their healthcare costs with increased premiums because Congress wants to eliminate Obama care, it is about us. With so much in our lives that affects us it is sometimes difficult to understand a lot of other things in our lives is not about us,as well.

Many times things happen around us and unless we understand that “it is not about us”, but rather our response to it, that causes us to get involved and often times it leads to our own pain, we will waste way to much precious time in our lives that will keep us from enjoying life. When a couple divorces to often,if we allow them to drag us into their lives by taking sides, we will end up feeling like we are the loser as well.  If it is a special friend and we take sides while the couple separates, it will to often cost us what we feel is a close friend, if the couple decides to reunite.  Even if we do not take sides but try to help the couple to understand each other, many times they will regret what they confided in us and feel uncomfortable around us because they told us to much about themselves, and too often we lose both friendships, even when they divorce.

The above situation had nothing to do with us but it is when we get involved in other people’s problems that it can become about us unless we realize it is they who have lost a valuable friend in us, and we cannot call ourselves a friend unless we do try to help, that we realize it is not about us but instead all about them.

I had an incidence in my life that took place when I won at the Casino and the person I was treating said,”God let me win because He knew I would be more generous and share than she would have been if she won.”  First of all, I do not believe that God had anything to do with my winning nor does He have anything to do with money.  I think people use the idea that God is in control of every facet of our lives to the point that if we even sneeze that God caused us to, instead of the fact that it was an allergy or cold that caused us to sneeze. I choose to believe that God is with those who suffer and give of themselves instead, since He gave us all free will and helps those who helps themselves. If God was responsible for everything in a person’s life then He would have no time left for those who call on Him in time of need.  My winning was not necessary for me to live,eat,breath, or find joy in my life,nor did my gambling cause us any hardship.I was thrilled when the machine hit, just as all of us are when we win.

I won because I went to the casino, without the other person even being in the same State much less the same Casino, I took the risk that gambling involves, and I chose the right machine at the same time it was ready to pay off.  Any person in the Casino could have put the same dollar amount in as I did and won the same jackpot. Our generous spirit may be a gift from God, as He does reward the generous in spirit ten fold, but my winning at the Casino had nothing to do with God nor the person who said I won instead of her.  We to often in our lives look at other people’s success or failure and think that either has anything to do with us.

We may all make mistakes as parents but once our children become adults they also take on the responsibility for their own behavior and if they allow others to mistreat them or they mistreat themselves,we can not help them if they refuse our help. If they become a success,then they deserve the credit over us because, “It is not about us.”  We can be concerned about them or proud of them but ultimately as adults they do decide what road they travel, with or without our approval.

As their parents,we only have control over our own response to our adult children’s actions and can only offer support when they ask us for the same. To force our beliefs on them robs them of the ability to form their own ideas or beliefs or to accept the mixing of their belief system with that of their spouses. Our adult children, and especially once they marry, need to make their own decisions even when we do not approve of it and they refuse to listen to what we often think is sound reasoning. “Sink or swim” our adult children’s behavior,  is no longer about us beyond our own reactions to it.

The sadder part of life is when our own children, who are not adults, emulate that character flaw in us that thinks everything is all about us, by thinking it is their fault when bullies bully them.  Bullies are made at home by over demanding parents in some cases or by neglectful parents in other cases.  If a child feels defenseless against the parent who thinks they are disciplining but instead the parent makes the child feel like they are  being bullied by the parent or a child cannot find reprieve from their own hurt feelings, many times they will bully others who they feel cannot or will not fight back.  When parents tell their children to hit back they help create another bully on the playground.  When teachers punish both children because they fear the parent of the bully or have not seen who is being bullied then to often it can lead to tragedy.

If we could as a Society tell our children that the anger that is unleashed by the bully is “not about them”,but instead about the home the child who bullies comes out of, then we could begin sitting down and discussing our differences with the bully. When Schools refuse to play a role in the discussion when the bullying takes place on their property, they fail the child who is being bullied by expelling them from school for the equal amount of time they expel the bully. When negative behavior is enforced by negative responses we teach our children that the adults in their lives cannot be trusted to do the right thing.

I had a case,myself, where I thought it might be possible to have an adult conversation with the parent of the bully, but instead the parent went into name calling and telling me it was not her problem when the child I was speaking about did not haul off and hit her daughter back.  It was not about us, but the children that needed to be heard, and it was lost on the mother of the bully.  Teachers run into this same attitude of these same parents, when they do show up but many times it is the concerned parents who show up instead.

We parents first, need to understand that there are people who are going to try to control the circumstances in their own lives by controlling those around them and it has nothing to do with us, unless we demand zero tolerance of bullies in our own homes,schools, or environment and do something about it instead of obsessing over it.  When we make everything about us, and then do nothing but complain we teach our children the same. When worry or inaction is viewed from the seat of children, they learn to tolerate what we have tolerated for to many generations,as being normal behavior. If schools,businesses, or we do not punish small children who bully,or permanently expel people who play on our fear or lack of action, then we all tolerate the bullies and it does become about us. Our children learn nothing through fists or violence but to be violent in return.

Just as there are kind-hearted people, there are mean-spirited people as well. Both types of people will co-mingle in almost any kind of group.  It has been my experience that a majority of men will just consider the source of an insult when issued by a woman, but some will fight it out when it comes from a man.  Not many people look at a fist fight as much of anything other than plain stupidity, so why do we tell our children to do the same?  If we ourselves cannot treat the person as having their own problems and know they treat everyone else the same way, then how can we tell our own children that, “It is not about us, if we do nothing to protect them when we do have supervision over them?”

I ask everyone this Holiday Season to consider what I am saying.  Store policy is not about us but about others who do shop lift or steal.  We may pay for their theft but if we feel that the questions being asked are about us, instead of policy, too often tempers will flare and our children are watching our own performance.  The same is true when someone is rude enough to cut in line; for us to allow someone else to spoil the experience of the Holiday shopping, when,” it is not about us” because we lose sight of the fact,that angry words will never make it right, but instead is a negative response from us who only adds to the chaos, then we understand what our own response does to inflame the problem.  Two wrongs never does make a right.  As Bill Clinton said,”it’s about the math.”

We need to spend more time thinking and communicating civilly if we are going to succeed as a Nation,as parents, or as the person we most want to spend time with during the Holiday Season.  If we ourselves are filled with anger that is spreading all around us,if we are rude to others, if we have a need to control, if we take a bad day out on others around us, if we are mean-spirited, then it is about us.

If we are none of those things, “Then It Is Not About Us.” When we understand the reality of another person’s bad behavior “is not about us”, we refuse to let their bad dispositions destroy our own joy.  If we insist on the opposite, then we are making our feelings dependent on their negative feelings which they are responsible for, and  as adults who said or did nothing to harm them, we are not responsible for their lack of respect.  Everyone will have a bad day but everyone is not entitled to ruin our day unless we give them permission to do so.

Have a good day everyone and enjoy the responses in yourself that you create ,that ARE about you, and let the other things that you allow to destroy your day go. The majority of harm that is done to us as individuals are many times as a result of our own reactions to life and is often created by our reactions to a disagreeable human being, who has their own issues to deal with, without our taking their negativity to heart. Enjoy the Holidays and celebrate!

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Family Gathering For Thanksgiving

I am not writing this post for those of you who are suffering or have done without this Thanksgiving, because if you have been suffering for a while now, most of you are already grateful for the significant things in life, such as food on the table or life itself.  Others may be grateful for electricity being restored or for the Insurance adjuster showing up.  It has been a matter of fact for years now, that the more mankind suffers, the more likely we are to be grateful for the things that others take for granted.

I write this instead for those who are gathering for Thanksgiving and dreading the moment.  There are families who all have that one person, if not two or three, who feel it their yearly obligation.” to rain on our parades.”  We all know them, they will say things like,”Why can’t Mary find a man?”; “Will Johnny ever get a decent job?;”or “Whats wrong with you anyway that you can’t be more like your Saintly sister?; “You know what your brother said about you?”; “I don’t know how your husband or wife can stand you or just the opposite I don’t know how you can stand your husband or wife,”  or why are you so fat when your brothers and sisters aren’t?” Anything they can find to ridicule us about and then sit and laugh about it when they do insult us or hurt our feelings, like it is some kind of a fabulous joke. If they can’t show their own resentment in life, through turning us against the family, then they will turn the family against us.

When they are not making comparisons with one of us on the losing side of what they think is acceptable behavior in us, then they are putting their leg on a chair so no one can miss the fact that their arthritis is acting up in their knee or they belabor their suffering in  great detail.  There will be others who suggest that we can make a better broth or gravy if we just add such and such to it while others insist on carrying a conversation with us through the walls of a different room, while complaining that they cannot hear us, while we are trying to time the turkey coming out with the dinner rolls being finished.  Others will complain about it being too hot while others complain about it being two cold. These same people will be the last to even notice that we are caring for a sick child or suffering from the end results of the flu, while we try to put on a brave front so we do not spoil our own family’s Thanksgiving.

Speaking from someone who swore each year that I was not going to go through another Holiday where the person involved in ALL of the above behaviors could ruin it for my family, it took years before I found the courage to tell her that we would be spending the holiday without her.  Since there were 4 other children in 4 different States who could have paid her expenses and asked her for the Holidays but refused to, I had to learn to ignore the criticism and bear it, until it reached the point the only other one of her children who would take a turn ,decided to match the bullying techniques move by move, and then I washed my hands of it completely.

It is not easy to enjoy the Holidays with a mother only 4 blocks away and alone.  I was greatly criticized by those who refused to give me a break by taking our mother in my place, and by others who knew a different person from the one both myself and my family knew. There does come a day in all of our lives that we must reach our own decisions on our own priorities.  When we had honor rolls, graduations from not just highschool but college and grad school as well as engagements and marriage plans, there did come a time that as a grateful family, we did have the right to celebrate without the center of attention going to my mother who gains attention with continued hurtful or negative comments.

If you find that someone is ruining your Holidays, I do hope you take the time to understand their suffering and give them the attention that they crave,but I also want you to know when the negatives in your family is denying the other family members from giving thanks and celebrating the joys of the family, perhaps it is time to reverse your course or to ask,” what are the priorities of your loved ones?”

Respect walks a two-way street beginning with respecting our own needs as well as the needs of those who depend on us.  For those who can deal with both, despite the abusive grumbling of spouses,mothers and bitchy fathers,jealous siblings,ungrateful children,complaining Aunts and Uncles or Grandparents, I congratulate you on your strength and forbearance.  I hung in for 35 years out of my own sense of duty to my mother, but with growing health problems, myself, it was time to eliminate the negativity in order to enjoy the positive in our lives.

I know other people who deliberately make a habit of working the Holidays,or  leaving for better weather, Vegas or the Beach, in order to avoid having to confront the issues of family.  Others will go ahead and put up with it and then make their friends lives miserable for a month in both the dreading of it before the Holidays and the hurt of it when they leave.  The Holidays can be stressful, because as much as many of us look forward to them there are many others who go into a depression that spreads through the family because they are hanging onto a time in their child hood or life when they felt deprived.

Others will lose loved ones on the Holiday and we do understand that they grieve, as a result of it.  What I am describing here are those who feel that even though they got cheated in life, they are the experts over the entire family, and will not rest until they feel they get the upper hand even though they contribute nothing other than the complaints that brings all of the rest of us down.

We all hear how elderly parents are left to spend the Holidays alone by ungrateful children but never do we hear that parents are left to spend Holidays alone because they themselves have established a record of being ungrateful for those of us who do make the effort to include them until they themselves wear out their welcome.

Many times these same people will become the favorites of strangers or the nursing staff and then treat their own children like they are beneath them because they refused to believe as they were told to believe,accept the faith of their parents,loved someone their parents forbade them to love, or did not become the person the parent thought they should become.  The parent was continually ashamed or embarrassed by their own children’s appearance or the way they dressed. At the same token some parents had reason for concern, when the adult child’s behavior was out of control or they were too willing to accept abuse,themselves.  There are any number of ways beside ungrateful children, as to why family members do end up alone on Holidays.

I welcome the idea that mankind is one family and when our own blood family drives us away with their own behavior that they do find a friend or care giver that befriends them when we ourselves cannot.  I think I speak for many this Holiday Season when I say that we are very grateful that our loved one’s have you in their lives.  We do love them, despite the fact that when we try to love them, they themselves drive us away with their words and behavior against us.

Those of you who think  I am talking about simple cantankerous relatives who are suffering, and it is the same that you welcome into your lives, all I can say for the rest of us is,”NO They Are Not! Not all of us are as fortunate as to have family members who are any different at 70 than they were at 30 or at 3, and there in lies the difference. We grow old as we grew young while some wounds are never allowed to scar or heal by those who spend a lifetime taking out their hurt on those of us who are the closest to them, while they refuse to get the help we offer them. Many times you instead can be the catharsis to them that we cannot be, and as a result we remain grateful to you, a total stranger.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be grateful for all of those who we too often take for granted and love each other. The less said the better Thanksgiving will be for all of us, if the only thing that crosses our minds has criticism attached to it, just because we may think it is constructive criticism, it has no place at the dinner table, now or ever.  Perhaps constructive criticism does exist on a job where an employee struggles to learn the same, but criticism in a family is criticism.

If we can not treat family members with the human dignity of respect how can we teach our own children or grandchildren to give respect and to demand the same respect, in their own lives? If discussing our differences becomes as lop-sided as the lack of respect shown, then we need to make decisions in the best interests of those who do care about us and who depend on us. We cannot expect others to defend us if we refuse to defend our own right to be treated with human dignity. As adults if we cannot discuss our differences without demeaning ourselves or others, then it is time to consider another recourse.  If we do not like receiving criticism ourself, then we must learn to be adults and not give it, as what goes around will come around. If you are traveling have a safe trip and God Bless us all!

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What Causes People to Hate?

Hate comes from an inner turmoil within the thoughts of an individual and can commonly rise to the level of anger that explodes out of control in individuals or groups. What may begin as a neighborhood dispute between two people can end up becoming a neighborhood dispute involving the entire block if people begin taking sides. The same thing often happens in families with everyone being forced into taking sides, when any issues should remain between the two individuals to work out together.

We often find the similar thing happening in divorce cases where each of the members try to convince their friends, and sometimes their children who were the victims in a marriage, while an over-whelming amount of the time the divorce couples themselves divide the loyalty of their friends or their children’s affections. Too often because the real abusers in the relationship are often charismatic by nature, people will side with the abuser over the victims; Even when marriages remain intact children will often side with the abuser since they are so starved for affection from the parent who abuses they can be manipulated by the abuser who often with holds affection or pays them off with praises or money. Hate can arise from extreme dislike of ourselves and others.  Hate arises from:oppression,fear, envy,greed,ignorance,jealously or any number of negative feelings that arises from an individual person and can spread from that individual through a group.

In organizations,gangs,or groups that demand membership surrenders its own ability to think for themselves to the leaders of these groups, hate can spread through intimidation,brain washing techniques or come from a person who longs to be accepted.  Because these groups often seek out  individuals who feel that they have been disrespected by others all their lives, to join their group or gangs hate spreads through ignorance. When the majority of membership when left on their own really would have nothing against the groups they are trained to hate, they are taken advantage by the leadership that works them into a frenzy of hate.  What often comes out of these groups is the by-product of hate against people that they have absolutely no rational reason to dislike,much less hate.

Rarely if ever is hate based on rational feeling. Greed is involved in gang wars that kill over drug territory for instance.  People get killed without even having so much as discussed their differences with the ones they kill. Many times people who have no knowledge of the beliefs of the Hindu or Muslim Religions will hate entire groups who practice their religious belief.  We find irrational hate against both Religions because a radical, Osama Bin Laden,outside of the beliefs of Muslim Faith, attacked us on 9/11.  The Hindu Religious group in Milwaukee was attacked out of the same ignorance of what appears to be a deranged individual.  Many times people are harassed or attacked for nothing more than skin color while it is supported by law in States like Arizona.

We can hate the spread of hate and we can insist our leaders stop hate but unless mankind educates themselves to understand their own irrational fears or learns to  control  negative feelings, hate can spread like a wildfire and has been a part of history since the beginning  of human existence.

The Middle East has been at war between Religious sects that vary in their beliefs and who view the other as their enemy since 76 AD. Children are taught at a very young age there, just as they are here, who they should hate. Hate is not just a product of America but it spreads around the World with apartheid in Africa and Dictatorship in Cuba.  A mistrust always lays as the basis of hate.

When we have groups like the NRA,The White Supremacy,The Skin heads, 330 Militia Groups Of the Tea Party, gaining support in the Republican Party due to the growth of the Tea Party within its membership, then we see acceptance of hate when it should not be tolerated by government. Some believe there is a  total of 1000  hate groups currently in America.  They range from the radical of animal rights to the anarchists that often are sent to protests in our Streets from across the Canadian border. In these groups we  find the leaders working the members into a feeding frenzy of hate while telling those who already feel disenfranchised from America’s Social fabric, that they are being victimized.  When  hate is spoken about and bandied about combined with drinking cases of beer,hate often begins in one individual and spreads through an entire group of people.

Other times hate is spread against the gay community in Churches with preaching of the Bible verses against the gay population. A huge sector of the internet and social media will spread lies against the innocent or tell half-truths to try to turn people to their cause through hate. Members of hate groups will send out their hate propaganda to friends through email.  Many times gossips will do the same in offices or small communities or neighborhoods. The Conservative Republican legislature refuses to even recognize the gay community as existing, as they claim they have not been recognized by law. In many cases the Bible that was intended to be a guide to lead mankind out of hate and a guide to lead us instead into acceptance of each other, gets misused by Churches and is used instead to stir up hate against groups that they profess to be marked for, “Hell and Damnation.”

The only way any of us can stop the spread of hate is through education and acceptance of all of us.  When we have the very groups who should be helping to educate people against hate responsible for helping spread hate, then it often takes the citizenry to educate those who hate one at a time.  Even when we do we still will find that students who feel like outcasts,those who feel they are superior even though they are often times filled with fear of inadequacy themselves, and workers who get laid off will still be a threat to Society because of the irrational thinking that explodes in the individual who seeks out revenge through hate.

As a Nation we need to recognize the compassion that we have and to do a better job of dealing with the treatment of the mentally ill. Too many even in the medical profession, refuse to promote real and comprehensive reform in healthcare for those who suffer from mental illness because too many times their hands are tied due to Insurance Companies refusal to carry mental patients long-term.  Churches need to take another look at the way they handle the gay issue and abortion and be ever cognizant of those in their own midst that will use either as an excuse to be a hero in the eyes of the Church, by gong on a killing rampage.

As a Nation we need to enforce hate crimes while not enforcing them to the point that they infringe on our rights to freedom of Speech, and that is such a delicate line to cross, that often times law enforcement is damn if they do and damn if they don’t. We need to better educate people in the different religious beliefs and the history of the races without parents yelling Fowl.  We need to teach respect for all people and religions in America but too often when civil rights leaders attempt to do this they are ridiculed and derided for infringing on the rights of white  Americans.  We need to start educating and not stop even while the far right continues to fight against education.

With the younger generations coming up and making friends with people of different beliefs and skin colors we always look for hope in them teaching acceptance and educating the adults to become more tolerate but too many times schools produce the worse kind of hate because the parents accuse the teachers for promoting unity amongst their students, when the parents do not want their children co-mingling due to their own hate issues. Other times parents themselves are so desperate to have their children accepted and popular that they deliberately encourage feelings of superiority in their children when the children themselves feel an inferiority. Some children, who form cliques and are held together by hate, will spread it through phone calls or the internet when they are intimidated by the group to do so if they wish to remain a part of the group.

Due to the mixed emotions  we parents too many times instill in our own children,  groups often form in schools that learn to either co-exists or it leads to disenfranchising a whole group of children because they are not a part of the “cool group” or “one of us.” To often parents create the hate that surfaces in their own children.  This mentality exists in the parents just as bullies are a product of home environment and are a by-product of hate.

The long and short of hate is that it is very complicated and comes from all directions. Even if we could make laws to counter act hate we would have protests from another group that their rights were being infringed on.  The best solution of all is when”We The People” hear words of hate from our children or their friends we take the time to educate our children and support both our Schools and Church leaders in doing the same.  We need to be the leaders against intolerance in our own homes,neighborhoods, schools, and Churches without passing the buck onto another day or another time.  If it is going on in our schools and Churches ,then we the membership, must stand up against it by demanding that the spread of hate stops and is replaced instead by understanding our differences and acceptance of all Americans as equals.

It often only takes one of us speaking out to turn hate into acceptance in our own neighborhoods, one block at a time. We need to get started making a difference now.  Our Republican Congressmen and  Senators need to quit making excuses and start making comprehensive laws of acceptance of Native Americans, the gay population, and Hispanics that grant them rights. The Republican Senate who has filibustered it, can now rethink their previous objections, by passing the Violence Against Women Act that includes Native Americans, the gay populations and Hispanics.

Anyone who has hate issues themselves needs to get help before you help raise the next generation of people made miserable by their own intolerance and feelings of hate. One thing people who hate never find is joy or contentment.  To think that our child or grandchild will never be happy but instead only hate should spring all of us into action by stopping the spread of hate each time we hear it. The media are easy to deal with as all we need to do is switch stations or turn them off, when they spread their hate. ”We The People”, are not so easy to deal with, so we need to get started and lead by example for the next generations coming up, so they never hear the hate that we have heard escalating and spreading these last four years. The voters have spoken.  God Bless all of us!

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Emotions Denied

Many times in a marriage or a close relationship and while raising children we will see emotions that not only appear out-of-place but they are,for instance, depressed people will quite often laugh or people who have feelings that are hurt will get angry when both would do better to acknowledge their feelings have been hurt or they are feeling sad.  To often relationships will end or be pulled apart because we do not understand our own emotions.

In dysfunctional homes, which comprises of the majority of homes, children are not allowed  to have or to express emotions or worse yet, they are mocked for having these feelings.  As a result of stilted emotions in childhood, many of us do grow up in denial of our own true emotions.  Boys and men have been told for generations that a show of emotion is a sign of weakness just as women have heard for years that they are too emotional to lead. We now know both are the thinking of backward beliefs. We need to know that the Leaders of  business and the World do care about those who they lead and that they will make decisions affecting all of us based, on their concern for our needs and futures.

We just had an election where all Americans were concerned because Romney did not show emotions so we felt the candidate lacked sincerity.  Emotions that are denied in both genders often leads instead to stilted leadership and unfair practices in both business and government and leaves people feeling that the person lacking any show of the same is untrustworthy. When we deny or hide emotion we cause an imbalance of stress in not only our lives but those who share our life with us.

Those under the most stress will often deny that they have stress while often times those who cause stress in other people’s’ lives will be the first to complain that they are under a great deal of stress. Sometimes they are taking their own stress out on others but many times it is used as an excuse for poor behavior on their part as well.  People other times are relieving their stress on others, without even being aware that they are. Determining our own stress related causes is especially important due to the many stressed related diseases that do lead to death in not only ourselves but our loved ones as well.  When it does not affect our health,which is rare indeed, it often leads to the end of really important relationships in our lives.

Too many times we just keep going on and never-changing our patterns in life and in doing so the stress builds up in us.  In areas where noises are constant such as  traffic noises, or trains and planes passing, we may be suffering stress and be totally unaware of the stress caused by noise factors.  Parents have been yelling at children for generations because the loud music teenagers often play, may be relaxing to some, while it causes stress in others.

When children feel stressed we quite often find that they will begin to bicker with each other.  When they are not under stress they will play together in harmony.  When we buy a child under stress a gift or set them in front of a television we do nothing to alleviate the stress they are feeling.  If we send them to their room instead of setting them down and asking them why they are exhibiting inappropriate behavior their stress will continue to build. Other times if we ask them to think about why they are behaving the way they are and to report back to us when they have figured it out, they will come up with their own answers. Other times they will blame others before they understand that their own emotions are coming from eternal changes happening in their own bodies.

Children are no different from adults in that to often, instead of dealing with the truth of their emotions, they will blame the closest to them for their own bad behavior.  Many times it is, we the parents who are accused to be at fault by our children and too many times,out of a feeling of guilt, because we parents have not dealt with our own emotions, we will reward instead of punish their bad behavior.   There are many different ways in childhood, when stress occurs, and our emotions get dismissed,ignored, or criticized. If we reward bad behavior instead of discussing it because we are buying off our own unresolved guilt we can create a monster no differently than we create the same future adult through cruel and abusive treatment in childhood. Other times bad behavior is better explained through chemical imbalances in the brain and our children need early intervention at this time.

When we add abusive punishment to an already stressed child we risk ending up with two kinds of adult behaviors.  We may either have very angry adults or we have adults who live in denial of their own emotions, so they stuff their feelings instead of acknowledging them and releasing their emotions through expression.  When people stuff down  their emotions  they often exhibit their emotions in other ways such as in over spending or shopping, being overtly sexual in their behavior, turning to drugs and alcohol,weight gain or lost,or excessive sleeping.

Many dismissed or ignored emotions are the explanation for why angry adults are not aware their own anger lies in hurt feelings from childhood instead, and why they live and breathe the idea that others are to blame when they become angry or withdraw.  Too often we hear abused partners in a marriage or a relationship say but they are so kind and thoughtful when they are not angry.Other times adults will withdraw emotionally and use it as a form of control over others who are left wondering, sometimes due to their own insecurities, if they said or did something wrong.  Both behaviors are terribly destructive not just in the life of adults but in the lives of children as well. When we give children excuses for poor behavior without taking time to understand their bad behavior they will often times grow up and excuse poor behavior in others and sadly it does reach the point that they accept abusive behavior through the reasoning that they love the abuser or they become the abuser themselves.

When we do leave abusive relationships because we recognize how destructive they are to us, we need to get professional help, many times, to understand what it was in us that allowed someone else to mistreat us.  If we try to go back into a relationship without resolving our own emotions or discussing our differences with them, we will only repeat the mistakes of our past. They will not change or become less abusive just because we wish them to.

If the other person in the relationship, tells us they want to start all over and leave the past unresolved, too often we only rehurt ourself all over again because the same words or behavior that hurt us in the past will keep reoccurring unless both of us are strong enough to talk it through and to put an end to it that is welcoming and calming to both of us.  Just because we wish to change does not mean they do as well.  Too often people who live their lives blaming someone other than themselves, also die that way.We often find this to be true when adult children try to make up with a parent or spouses try to reunite.

Stress related diseases are not found in the remains of the caveman so how do we explain that foraging for food and not knowing if they ate or not was not stressful? The explanations can be as complicated or as simple as we make them.  More than likely, it is the simple explanations; they did not know differently because they lived in an isolated environment in communes where everyone else shared their same lifestyle,  competition to succeed was not a part of their environment, nor were outside aggravations from other influences that affect modern man a part of their lives, everyone was dependent on everyone else in their group for their survival so when problems arose or they needed to hunt together,they worked the problems out through communication or they were not pressed for time because their lives were less complicated.  The stress that we experience was not a part of their lives and therefore the stress related diseases that we see today, were not present either.

There are a number of ways that we can relieve stress that do not cost money and bankrupt us as adults with the most important one being to listen to our children and to validate their feelings.  We can go out together as a family for pizza, to the park, or camp out and go fishing, go to the beach, take time out of our busy days to walk together or to set together at the dinner table and discuss our days.  The things that we do with our children together, is  what helps make them grow up as calm adults.  Placing them in an activity while we send them in a car pool does not replace that family time that children crave.

In a relationship men need male bonding as much as women need female companionship.  If we do not trust our relationship or marriage enough to accept that there will be times in all of our relationships and marriages that we need to give each other space then, more than likely, we should not make plans to commit to the relationship for life.  Trust is the necessary foundation of all relationships and without it we are only lying to ourselves if we cannot trust enough to let go.  Women quite often need to release stress through hobbies or crafts just as men do through sports or hunting or both need space to paint or write.  It is o.k. to play or watch sports, to hunt or share a hobby together, but to become inseparable when we are young, will usually cause more problems in the relationship than what we will find when we give each other the space we each need, to develop our own interests and responsibilities separately,occasionally.

When we are dealing with a marriage or an adult relationship, many times it is a necessity to have space from each other. We both should be aware of the person who refuses us the necessary space because they could very well be possessive or interested in forming a relationship of co-dependence, that shuts out all of our other important friendships and family members.  It is not always the inseparable couple who are the happiest.  Quite often it is the opposite of a happy couple, but instead a smothered couple.

In any relationship it helps to have other interests that gives us space as we need separate space just as much as we need shared space.  Sometimes when days off are limited, in marriages as in friendships,or families, it does help to take separate vacations if our interests are not shared.When we are a young family then it is always  wise to use our days off to expose our children to other parts of the Country or World so they are not intimidated when they need to move on with their own lives.  It does us well to understand that vacation time can be just as stressful on children as it can be on adults.  It’s always best to start with short trips and limited days until they get older.

Absence may not make our hearts grow fonder, so to speak, but we often find out that the reason we are feeling bad has nothing to do with the person we are blaming but everything to do with our own inability to deal with our own unresolved emotions from another happenstance in our lives, when we make space for ourselves and take time to reflect. This does not mean that we do not make shared time and interests just as much of a priority and we remain close as a couple because if we spend too much time apart we can become a high risk couple as well.  Like everything in life it is about balance while recognizing the importance of sharing our time as well.

I caution all of us to think before we find our own behavior destroying our own lives, when we instead are blaming it on others who truly do care about us and are innocent of our own hurt feelings or anger. At the same token, I caution everyone to think equally as hard about the solutions that will be resolved prior to going back to an old abusive relationship or starting a new one, since past behavior often indicates future behavior. When people begin lying to themselves about their emotional history, in order to believe their own lies or to embrace denial, reality is no longer their long suit and they become totally unaware of the fact that they are lying to themselves as well as their loved ones.

Sometimes  people,who refuse to accept responsibility for their own poor behavior, really are at fault when it comes to the hurt in us. We are in trouble if we are making too many excuses for them by rewarding bad behavior and taking responsibility for it ourselves. Other times we may be blaming others because of our own unresolved emotions. If we do not allow people to mistreat us they cannot mistreat us but we need to be certain it isn’t we who are mistreating ourselves the most.

If we cannot resolve these issues on our own it often saves the best relationships we will ever have, if we seek out professional help, before we end the relationships. If communications are impossible because they refuse to take shared responsibility for the problems in our relationships or we refuse to hear what they are saying, then we need help.  We cannot force others to view the problems the same way we do or see problems when they were not aware that any existed.

If we cannot afford counseling then a good friend who understands what makes others tick, because they have experience in life, may be able to help us, as long as we do not blame them for failing to say the things we want to hear.  If we find them agreeing with us instead of pointing out both sides, then seek out someone else because they are not challenging us to see beyond our already written in the stone beliefs. People tell us not to make rash judgements for a reason with the main reason being ,when we do, we often hurt ourselves far worse than we do anyone else if we fail to deal with our own emotions,first.

Be kind and know that unless we resolve our own emotional history we will not find the joy we seek nor will we find it in someone else.  It is true, “that familiarity often breeds contempt,” because those who truly care about us are the closest to us.  Many times we also know them better than they know themselves, and we make it more difficult for them to make excuses or to lie to themselves when they know, we know the truth, and they refuse to take responsibility for their own emotions or behavior.

We can also be the first hurt by those who are in denial of their own emotions, as we are the ones who often get lied about the most since the goal of the person in denial is to protect that denial at all cost. As difficult as it is in the beginning, if they are not willing to deal with reality in time, we begin to feel the relief of being out of their drama and realize the value of being free from the same, once we do heal.

No one but ourselves can make us happy or at peace with others.Nor is it their job to do so. Other people can add to or compliment our own happiness or joy only if we have already found happiness through our own approval of self, and acceptance of others’ rights to find their own happiness with or without us. At the same token other people can only destroy that inner-peace in us, if we give them permission to do so.

It is very difficult work that is involved and often takes years of laying our heads on the pillow content with knowing we do feel complete because we have given much more to life than we have subtracted from it. We also must be aware that to be real, our contentment in life never wavers no matter how many times it gets challenged,as it will be challenged many more times in life. We cannot mistake what I am writing about with the narcissists who feel they are entitled to everything they get.

We must be cognizant of the fact there are people who are more content with being a victim,due to their delayed or stunted emotional growth, than they are with being a winner. We need to accept that many times those we think we are the closest to are the most toxic to us, just as we must learn to accept those we think are our enemy often times are our best friend. People prove their loyalty to us time and time again but sadly too many people often put their faith in those who don’t support them, because the people they protect lead them into believing they are a victim.

It is the nature of mankind to react to tragedy and injustice when we see it and if we are not selfish by nature, we offer help and support, to those who truly do suffer.  Unfortunately there are those who prey on that factor and want us to feel they are a victim as well.  Too many times those who do not deal with their own emotional history will  use our naivety or kindness to their advantage to manipulate those of us who do care. It especially occurs in those who do not take a good long hard look at themselves and ask,”Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes and hurting myself in the process.

It is nice to write about something other than politics again and now that we are done celebrating our Country’s victory, some of us need to get to work on our own victories. It often entails hard work when we do wish to be honest with ourselves and others. The efforts to know ourselves are greatly rewarded when we do.

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Big Bird,Women,& Bigots

If anyone wonders what the Conservatives have against PBS, when Mitt said he will do away with it, then we don’t have to wonder very long.  Mitt Romney was playing strictly to the right when he said he would do away with Big Bird.  The sad thing is that by doing away with PBS too many members of the media reported that Mitt Romney was just reaching for levity.

The Educational Station that if eliminated would only make 1% of 100th of 1% difference in the deficit and be so insignificant that it would not make an iota of a difference in the deficit, and that difference would be done away with in less than an hour of interest paid out, is considered to be socialist to the Conservatives. (to get a full understanding of the right-wing Conservative platform see my post previous to this one entitled: Rubio,”He’s The Best Thing We’ve Got”)

The family friendly show of Sesame Street has entertained children for generations and prepares children whose parents cannot afford to send children to Kindergarten preparatory daycare or children in rural areas who do not have preparatory daycare, how to count and their alphabet. Sadly, because of the mixed races of the muppets and the free intermingling of people of all races seen in Sesame Street the Conservatives think it sends the wrong message to their lilly white children.  The disgrace of hate and negativity that began within 6 months of President Obama being elected has spread across America like a cancer and Mitt Romney played into that Conservative view at the debate, even though they will not be satisfied until and unless we deny all races in America in favor of the white race.

We should be disgusted with the power that the Conservatives ,with Mitt Romney as their leader, are attempting to yield over our Society but instead we have a candidate for President playing into their hate when he says he will do away with PBS and Big Bird.  If Mitt Romney was trying to win the women’s vote and that of the Hispanics he used a poor way of going about it.  If we noticed in watching the debates and followed CNN the yellow line that followed women in the crowd went up each time that President Obama spoke and the green line that followed the men in the crowd went up when Romney talked.  The polls show that the debate only changed the voters by 1% and since I didn’t see women changing I would guess that was the men who would have voted that way anyway.

The real tragedy going on in America is this constant bigotry and the naysayers of the right who continuously try to destroy the spirit of American diversity that has made us the leaders  around the World in Democracy.  The Conservatives as did Mitt Romney in the debate, have lied about the numbers of the unemployed and tried to include Baby Boomers who are retiring into their jobless reports.  They call those of us who have paid in and will still be paying taxes when we retire along with the military who receive their much earned benefits moochers.

Instead of making any kind of effort to earn our respect the Conservative fed politicians with Mitt Romney leading them, drive us farther apart and away from a philosophy that we disdain unless we are ignorant.  The very idea that Mitt Romney is showing his support in an effort to win election,” is what it is”, regardless of how he tries to spin it or now tries to deny it.

We are looking at a candidate in Mitt Romney who will stop at nothing to win and women and minorities understand that the cloud of pessimism that hangs over America begins with the Conservatives’ constant degrading of the gains made by President Obama, usually through lies, and is only made worse because of the Conservatives constant down grading of the good news that we should all be celebrating.  When was the last time A Republican made any of us feel better when President Obama did find well deserved success? Unemployment fell to 7.8% and yet the Conservatives are trying to spin hate tactics around the news. Mitt Romney continues to lie about the numbers of unemployed on the campaign trail while promising to add 12 million new jobs when the fact checkers say to do so is impossible.

Too many Companies are only offering part-time work to get out of paying minimum wage in some cases and others are doing it to get out of paying benefits.  Americans have never been more in need of the Affordable healthcare that President Obama, was willing to risk his re-election for us, to have.  I can’t imagine what having a sick child without it would mean to any one of us who are not of the 1% today. Mitt Romney only smirks when he says he will repeal it on the first day but offers nothing beyond the fact that he will cut Medicaid by sending it to the States who can least afford it.

Mitt Romney, by saying, ”I will get rid of Big Bird and PBS,” again proved to us that he has no spine and where his priorities are when it comes to standing up against this element of hate in America and will even fire educational muppets , that have given stay at home Moms an hour out of a day to regroup their thoughts or to take a shower for several generations now.

I will also remind my readers that at another fund-raiser in April, where Garrett Haake of NBC news got a rare moment while Mitt was speaking in a tent to the “Fat Cats who support his campaign, Mitt Romney said, “I would never tell my voters this but once I am elected President I plan on cutting the taxes to the wealthy another 5 trillion dollars.”  It would do Romney well to understand what he says before millions watching him is not the measure of a man as much as it is the man who speaks when he thinks we are not listening is what makes a person who we trust,reliable. We find it difficult to trust a person who says things differently when he thinks only his kind are listening. The Native Americans call what Mitt Romney is doing is,”speaking with forked tongue.”

Who amongst us can say what Romney will do as President when he refuses to give details and Big bird is his priority on the chopping block? Who else will he eliminate beyond the fact that he will start with the much-loved friends of children around the Nation?  If that is a priority of his then are we too far off in predicting 47% of us will either be denied healthcare benefits that we paid for or be  fired, since he sees us as moochers or says,” we do not want to work and prefer to think of ourselves as victims?” I repeat:”It is what it is” regardless of Mitt Romney’s flip-flopping.  Vote in November.

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The Truth On Affordable Healthcare

If the Democrats had not behaved, as the cowards they were in the 2010 elections when it came to supporting Obama Affordable  health Care, we would not see the Republican lies making so much headway still, today.  Now that the Supreme Court has ruled Obama care is Constitutional, it is time for both parties to drop the politics and to be honest about just how the working poor and middle class as well as small businesses have gained an important step towards healthcare, especially, by todays’ Supreme Court decisions. ALL Americans in general have won, by today’s Supreme court decision!

In the past and currently, we all pay Insurance Companies higher premiums and larger deductibles because of the fact that Insurance Companies continue to drop all children and adults who suffer from anything from autism to diabetes to arthritis,MS., Parkinson’s and any other genetic disorder that is chronic.  By not insuring 30 million Americans ”We the People” have had to pay higher Insurance costs.  In cases where these families are dropped, their premiums if they do exist, is so cost prohibitive to companies that these people are often  fired from their jobs instead of the businesses or Corporations keeping them on.  This drives up unemployment since no other company will hire them either.  In the last 10 years we have seen a huge increase in people who reach medical care cost around the age of 45, receiving their pink slips.  This will all stop under the Obama health care since these Companies can return to affordable healthcare under the Obama Plan.  Regardless of health problems in either the worker or their children their costs will be the same to both them and the companies who hire them as it is for all Americans

What we as the Individual businesses as well as citizens have seen and paid out to the Insurance Companies has been the increased hospital charges of the chronically ill that has been charged to us through the Insurance Companies by jumping our premium  costs and raising our deductibles. Both the lack of care as well as the emergency services received by the above people not being able to get or buy healthcare  is charged to the Insurance Companies and medicare by the Hospitals across America.  The Insurance Companies have then been reimbursed through Corporate welfare  or subsidies, but we the policy holder as well as the tax payer have been paying double costs for the uninsured. This  will be lessened through government costs or in fewer costs increases that have not been kept in check by the Insurance Companies or the Medical supply companies who have been able to name their own prices while the costs have been passed on to us the consumer.

The government insurance Agency or better known as Medicare and Medicaid is 6 times larger than all of the Insurance companies combined in America.  They are able to buy healthcare costs in blocks much larger than the largest private Insurance Companies combined and therefore they keep down the costs across the board for any one who wishes to join the government incentive programs offered through private insurance instead of paying for the raising costs of premiums with higher deductibles that are offered through  private Insurance Companies currently. Affordable healthcare is a restructuring  of healthcare services and insurance companies and  will in the long run gain control over the exorbitant costs and the donut holes, that we are now seeing in healthcare, so both works more efficiently for those of us who have been paying for the sick who can not get insurance as well as the  free-loaders in America.

This is the exact reason that the Republicans are saying that the middle class and working poor will be denied their choice on Insurance Companies.  Insurance Companies will have to become competitive with the government programs in order to “stop the waste and costs in healthcare”, initially, but since the chronically ill will more than likely opt for the government programs instead of losing all they have worked for, eventually the Insurance companies will see their subsidies diminished at the same time their costs come down as well, and will be able to be more competitive.  “We the People” will all benefit through affordable health care over time, but not immediately unless we are under the age of 26, then we will be carried on our parent’s plan.

Although we can keep our own Insurance Companies as is as can Corporations, we would all be foolish to with Insurance Companies no longer being able to charge the healthy people for the cost of the chronically ill and  those who refuse to buy insurance when they can afford to. Our current Insurance companies will only increase their premiums now that they can no longer place a cap on the amount the chronically ill or those who suffer from cancer have been and are being charged and paid for in exuberant premium costs.

Since we have already seen the amount of money paid into the Mitt Romney campaign by Wall Street and billionaires, we then all know why so many lies have been told about Obama care and seen the spineless Democrats who have steered away from supporting the same, as about 20 to thirty of them are also supported by lobbyists for the Medical profession and supply companies who are amongst those whose real goal is to get rich through patient care, along with the Insurance companies.  They are all-powerful lobbyists.  Their claims that Doctors and hospitals have been absorbing the costs of the uninsured over, “ We the People”, simply rings false.

For all the unemployed and uninsured in 14 months time you will gain insurance through Medicaid and no one will fine you for not having healthcare as it will be provided for you according to need at 1% of your income.  Those who fall between Medicaid and affordable care will get tax subsidies that will place you on an Insurance program offered at cut rates through more competitive private insurance agencies. The fines do not go into effect before these programs are set up, guaranteeing you insurance coverage. the Republican lie that government is denying us our liberty or that IRS squads will be out making arrests is as stupid as it sounds.

The only people who will be fined will be those who can afford to get healthcare and refuse to. These are the people who show up in emergency wards instead of Doctors offices and raise the costs for everyone else in premiums and deductibles, currently. Preventive care such as mammograms and other screenings for prevention,and birth control will be free to everyone.

We currently pay taxes on all of our benefits received through our jobs, including insurance that is provided for us by our employers.  Instead of that income tax being distributed to the States it is going back to the Corporations and businesses that agree to keep us employed for a year.

By going on the affordable care insurance, both we and the companies that hire us, will save and the taxes currently going to Corporate will go back to the States as it was designed to do.  These Billions of dollars, that the Republicans and a few Democrats are forecasting  we will be paying out in taxes can be saved through Corporation reform by denying welfare to both the Oil Companies and Wall Street but the Republicans refuse to do so, while blaming the Democrats for not taking it on.

We will hear many more of their lies through “Prosperity for Americans”, ” Citizens United”  as well as any number of organizations sponsored by the Churches through the Billions of dollars being pumped into the Republican Party to make sure affordable healthcare is defeated, and in an effort to protect the lobbyists who own them.

Our taxes will be compensated for in the lost of cost that is currently being written off by hospitals and doctors as well as companies who have picked up the differences for those who do not have Insurance and often travel to America from Europe. and Asia or cross the border from Canada or Mexico to get the best healthcare , that “We the People” are already paying for. It will also be offset by all AMERICANS who can pay, paying for their own healthcare through reduced costs.

No doubt the Obama affordable  care program will come before the  Supreme Court again, filed by lawyers in our States and  by a number of cases that claim Obama care is”Unconstitutional.”  With today’s ruling these cases will be thrown out or sent back to the States.

Since the Catholic Church is claiming Religious Freedom to deny women health care coverages and approximately 20% of Americans believe they do not need healthcare because,” God will heal them when they get sick,” this will continue being a political battle for years to come. Many of these same people are  the people who we pay for through exorbitant healthcare costs when they are involved in accidents,pre-mature births, or become chronically ill due to complications of both child-birth and chronic health problems, as well as cancer.

In America we cannot deny health care to the suffering  by the claim  of” Religious Freedom.”The Church sponsored schools and hospitals cannot lure us into their employ by  selling us or giving us their own Insurance policies and then deny us coverage by declaring Religious Freedom.  Our Supreme Court has ruled a number of times, according to  our Constitution on the need to provide for health care to ALL Americans for all of their needs without moral objection.(this includes women and children as well)

It is only because of a Conservative majority in the Supreme Court that this outrage has reared its ugly head again.  The Conservatives feel that the Conservative judges will vote according to Party lines so are claiming the same argument that they have lost on in the past. The care of the sick in America cannot be denied on Religious grounds. This battle has been fought by the Churches in America many times,and each time the Churches have lost due to the way our Constitution was written and intended to be upheld by our Founding Fathers.  No one entity was given power of law over the Supreme Court Justices.

We can count on both the Conservatives and Tea Party to inflame this argument even though religious rights have never been granted power in our Constitution over government decisions when it pertains to the best welfare of “We the People.”(women included)  This was specifically spelled out in a letter to the Baptist Church by Thomas Jefferson and made official in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers.

Any Republican vote in November is a vote against affordable healthcare  for all of us regardless of where we work or who we work for. President Obama risked his political future for us by taking on healthcare when no President before him since Roosevelt and Harry Truman other than the Clintons did, because we the American people told him in 2008 that healthcare was our number 1 concern. The only people who stand to win with a vote against Obama care is Wall Street, Insurance Companies,Healthcare suppliers and providers,  and the Republican Party who will be awarded handsomely by their Billionaire friends and lobbyists who finance the Tea Party movement and their elections.

Obama care like Social Security is the basics just like Social Security was in its infancy.  It is going to take both parties working together to refine it for both the Insurance Companies to become competitive on an even playing field with government prices and for  ”We the People,” to have security in our lives and the lives of the next generations.  The only changes being made in Medicare by the Democratic Majority pertains to the obsolete and the waste that is currently happening across America. The Ryan Plan that the Republicans plan to substitute Obama care, Medicare, and Medicaid with takes away healthcare from the bottom up and rewards Insurance Companies by driving up the costs to the working poor, middle class and the elderly, while increasing our deficit through government subsidizing the Insurance Companies even further.

As long as the current Republican greed is to bankrupt government in order to take over The largest Insurance Company in America(Medicaid and Medicare) through greed and over charges and by filibustering every attempt made to work together for the middle class and working poor, then we need to replace those who do not work for us but instead works for the Billionaires in November.  Vote Democrat, with an eye on the person speaking and their voting record, and then re-elect President Obama who has risked it all for “We the People”.

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