Are Children REALLY Flexible?

This has been previously published by me but it does us all well to be reminded in the current environment that our children need to be made aware that we adults are always fighting for their need to feel secure and safe.

Sadly there are too many adults who claim to be representing the best interest of our children while neglecting the most innocent amongst us. I will continue to post reminders, every once in awhile, just as I did this post ,previously, until we all know that all of our children are safe:

I’ve heard it for years now that “children are flexible” and I have always wondered about the truth in the belief. It is true that children are more accepting than adults. At least in the beginning years of their lives.

Watch children playing at a playground side by side and one can readily see their acceptance of each other. They play together by playing around each other without really communicating. They reach the same place at the same time and one will instinctly go under while one goes over or one will squeeze to the side or stand back and let another pass without ever communicating the direction that each will take.

It is only later, say in about the 9th year of their life that they appear to start noticing the differences between themselves. Much of the cruelty we see in children comes from the environment of their own homes and is spread through out the school grounds or on school buses. I doubt that acceptance and flexibility are the same. I believe that children effected by trauma are no different from adults who are effected by trauma. We see so many obese children, with some being diet related, but isn’t there also the possibilty that children are stuffing their feelings down with comfort food no different from what adults do?

I know adults who have no memory of their childhood because they have learned to block it. Is it a learning that started in childhood where they began blocking trauma so have no memory of it as adults? Do quiet children who go off and play while saying little to nothing of their trauma as accepting as what we are made to believe. If so why do the symptoms of the same often wait to express themselves in suppressed memories through health problems decades later?

The medical field sees children younger and younger who are suffering from anxiety, stress related illness, psychosis, and other ailments considered adult related in the past. The arguments stand, “it is just a better ability to diagnose earlier.”

If so is that a symptom of children suffering their traumas in silence in years past? Children go into denial and start fanatasizing a better life for themselves, where abuse is present, and isn’t that in truth the same behavior we see in adults when their life doesn’t work according to what their plans for themselves were in their youth? Did this behavior begin in childhood and then just got set aside temporarilly when things appeared to be working for the adults who then switched to denial to justify why their dreams did not come true, later?

If children are so flexible then why do children of alcoholics grow up to be alcoholics? Why do children of abusers grow up to abuse? Why do children of drug users grow up to use drugs? Why do children of batterers grow up to batter? Why do sexually abused boys sexually abuse as men while sexually abused girls become promiscuous?

Many times there are a great deal of withdrawal symptoms in form of social developement in all of these children. It is not unusual that parents instead determined their child to be shy, emotionally immature, or sadly too often, “they are just happy normal children” when that is so far from the truth. I understand that none of these patterns of behavior are set and true in all children of parents that behave badly. Sometimes the children will actually use their parent’s behavior as a pattern as to how not to behave. We refer to it as learned behavior or environmental but isn’t it also possible that it is as a result of trauma in infancy or childhood and in truth our children are not so flexible, after all?

I maintain that unless, we as a Society, get over the idea that children are flexible and start paying more attention to them, when they do speak, that we will ultimately be inviting government into every facet of our lives. If we want laws that protect us, we must first begin with our children in order to eliminate the need of government in lesser degrees, in our lives later.

The long and short of laws and government is that if “we the people” are doing our job and accepting our responsibility then there is never a need for government to intrude into our lives. My experience has always been that government is an asset to all of us who pay our taxes, bills, take care of what we can afford and follow the laws of our States. When we can’t we should never be ashamed for asking our government for a hand up because many others are just a pay check away, themselves, from having to ask government for help. I have never seen the person who complained about their taxes going to the hungry who did not have to learn that lesson as well.

As long as children continue to be used as pawns amongst divorcing parents. Ignored, neglected, or bought off by the self-centered. Severely abused by the irresponsible, spiteful, or mean spirited parents, adults, or care givers or left to go hungry by the narcissistic personalities amongst us; then we are opening up the flood gates of government to move into all of our living rooms.

If any of those words seem to be harsh then consider yourself what words you would use when it comes to abusing an innocent child, neglecting a child because a parent ignores the child’s emotional needs over their own, or an adult believes children with less opportunity should be left to die of starvation? We all must realize our own responsibility or take a position on how to deal more effectively with the most innocent amongst us, if we truly consider ourselves human. If Americans cannot be grateful and give back then WHO? Luckily, most Americans do understand and realize that their own success has been as a result of generosity and opportunity.

Too often over-worked and under paid Children Protective Services only return these children to dysfunctional homes so they are offended again. When I think of some of the foster care homes that I have known, personally, I shudder. I do understand that in many cases they are a God-send over the abusive homes many of these children come from, just as well. As a Nation we should not have to be dealing with children in adult Courts on charges of murder. We need to do better for our children.

I leave it up to all of us, Do we really think that children are flexible or should we as a community be doing more to help or do we need to continue with the “mind my own business” theory that has ran the way of thinking for generations? The other thought that I will leave everyone with is,”How can we acknowledge that neglect, abuse and battering is happening” as long as we deny that it happened to us?

Doesn’t the responsibile amongst us have an obligation to help those who won’t take responsibility, when it comes to child care or do we wait until government enters our living rooms and then gripe about government being there?

Doesn’t it ultimately, become the responsibility of all of us to have less rather than more government in our lives? It is amazing how many of us never do have to deal with government once we pay our fair share of taxes, live according to law, and only deal with government when we collect our earned pension, GI Benefits, or Social Security checks. It isn’t like government is breathing down the backs of those who give of their time and good fortune, show children our love and develop responsibility through example, while obeying the laws of our States and Nation.

Why are so many Conservatives and Tea Party members, today, so disgruntled over healthcare for those who most need it, housing and Agricultural food surpluses provided for the homeless and hungry, early childhood education that often does mean the difference between pass or fail in our children? Why do they profess family values while they attempt to eliminate the size of government that provides for these needs if they are living the same moral convictions that is common in all of the rest of us? Just something to ask ourselves.

Common sense should tell all of us: We do need to put the rules of common decency first for all of our children, if we are to eliminate me first and only as in selfishness, rudeness, crimes, and all other ills of Society before these same children grow up to become adults. Bringing more children into the World to be further mistreated is not the answer for anything other than for using birth-control, unless we are all willing to help those who are already here.

We see and hear every hour on the hour and every day of the week in conversations and on the news, where perhaps our children were not so forgiving and flexible after all, and it shows once they become adults.

When we can have so many great and positive results in children as we do,(Yes including in gay, loving, and single parent homes, where parents compromise). Isn’t it way past time we all maintain the same security for all of our children through better laws to safeguard them and those who fall through the holes?

Why don’t we demand that our elected officials take the fact that 1/3 of all children in America die from guns in the home, while one child dies of hunger or hunger related diseases every 5 minutes in America, and education is the way out of poverty through affordable cost, for the truth and facts that they represent?

Will we vote accordingly to protect our children? Will we ever accept total responsibility of all of us, as an obligation to the safety and well being of all children, if not in name then in concern; whoever they are and wherever they live? It begins with one person at a time until we hear the voices of justice rising from all of the adult population amongst us. Too many have relied too long on the belief, ” Children are Flexible.”

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What Causes People to Hate?

Hate comes from an inner turmoil within the thoughts of an individual and can commonly rise to the level of anger that explodes out of control in individuals or groups. What may begin as a neighborhood dispute between two people can end up becoming a neighborhood dispute involving the entire block if people begin taking sides. The same thing often happens in families with everyone being forced into taking sides, when any issues should remain between the two individuals to work out together.

We often find the similar thing happening in divorce cases where each of the members try to convince their friends, and sometimes their children who were the victims in a marriage, while an over-whelming amount of the time the divorce couples themselves divide the loyalty of their friends or their children’s affections. Too often because the real abusers in the relationship are often charismatic by nature, people will side with the abuser over the victims; Even when marriages remain intact children will often side with the abuser since they are so starved for affection from the parent who abuses they can be manipulated by the abuser who often with holds affection or pays them off with praises or money. Hate can arise from extreme dislike of ourselves and others.  Hate arises from:oppression,fear, envy,greed,ignorance,jealously or any number of negative feelings that arises from an individual person and can spread from that individual through a group.

In organizations,gangs,or groups that demand membership surrenders its own ability to think for themselves to the leaders of these groups, hate can spread through intimidation,brain washing techniques or come from a person who longs to be accepted.  Because these groups often seek out  individuals who feel that they have been disrespected by others all their lives, to join their group or gangs hate spreads through ignorance. When the majority of membership when left on their own really would have nothing against the groups they are trained to hate, they are taken advantage by the leadership that works them into a frenzy of hate.  What often comes out of these groups is the by-product of hate against people that they have absolutely no rational reason to dislike,much less hate.

Rarely if ever is hate based on rational feeling. Greed is involved in gang wars that kill over drug territory for instance.  People get killed without even having so much as discussed their differences with the ones they kill. Many times people who have no knowledge of the beliefs of the Hindu or Muslim Religions will hate entire groups who practice their religious belief.  We find irrational hate against both Religions because a radical, Osama Bin Laden,outside of the beliefs of Muslim Faith, attacked us on 9/11.  The Hindu Religious group in Milwaukee was attacked out of the same ignorance of what appears to be a deranged individual.  Many times people are harassed or attacked for nothing more than skin color while it is supported by law in States like Arizona.

We can hate the spread of hate and we can insist our leaders stop hate but unless mankind educates themselves to understand their own irrational fears or learns to  control  negative feelings, hate can spread like a wildfire and has been a part of history since the beginning  of human existence.

The Middle East has been at war between Religious sects that vary in their beliefs and who view the other as their enemy since 76 AD. Children are taught at a very young age there, just as they are here, who they should hate. Hate is not just a product of America but it spreads around the World with apartheid in Africa and Dictatorship in Cuba.  A mistrust always lays as the basis of hate.

When we have groups like the NRA,The White Supremacy,The Skin heads, 330 Militia Groups Of the Tea Party, gaining support in the Republican Party due to the growth of the Tea Party within its membership, then we see acceptance of hate when it should not be tolerated by government. Some believe there is a  total of 1000  hate groups currently in America.  They range from the radical of animal rights to the anarchists that often are sent to protests in our Streets from across the Canadian border. In these groups we  find the leaders working the members into a feeding frenzy of hate while telling those who already feel disenfranchised from America’s Social fabric, that they are being victimized.  When  hate is spoken about and bandied about combined with drinking cases of beer,hate often begins in one individual and spreads through an entire group of people.

Other times hate is spread against the gay community in Churches with preaching of the Bible verses against the gay population. A huge sector of the internet and social media will spread lies against the innocent or tell half-truths to try to turn people to their cause through hate. Members of hate groups will send out their hate propaganda to friends through email.  Many times gossips will do the same in offices or small communities or neighborhoods. The Conservative Republican legislature refuses to even recognize the gay community as existing, as they claim they have not been recognized by law. In many cases the Bible that was intended to be a guide to lead mankind out of hate and a guide to lead us instead into acceptance of each other, gets misused by Churches and is used instead to stir up hate against groups that they profess to be marked for, “Hell and Damnation.”

The only way any of us can stop the spread of hate is through education and acceptance of all of us.  When we have the very groups who should be helping to educate people against hate responsible for helping spread hate, then it often takes the citizenry to educate those who hate one at a time.  Even when we do we still will find that students who feel like outcasts,those who feel they are superior even though they are often times filled with fear of inadequacy themselves, and workers who get laid off will still be a threat to Society because of the irrational thinking that explodes in the individual who seeks out revenge through hate.

As a Nation we need to recognize the compassion that we have and to do a better job of dealing with the treatment of the mentally ill. Too many even in the medical profession, refuse to promote real and comprehensive reform in healthcare for those who suffer from mental illness because too many times their hands are tied due to Insurance Companies refusal to carry mental patients long-term.  Churches need to take another look at the way they handle the gay issue and abortion and be ever cognizant of those in their own midst that will use either as an excuse to be a hero in the eyes of the Church, by gong on a killing rampage.

As a Nation we need to enforce hate crimes while not enforcing them to the point that they infringe on our rights to freedom of Speech, and that is such a delicate line to cross, that often times law enforcement is damn if they do and damn if they don’t. We need to better educate people in the different religious beliefs and the history of the races without parents yelling Fowl.  We need to teach respect for all people and religions in America but too often when civil rights leaders attempt to do this they are ridiculed and derided for infringing on the rights of white  Americans.  We need to start educating and not stop even while the far right continues to fight against education.

With the younger generations coming up and making friends with people of different beliefs and skin colors we always look for hope in them teaching acceptance and educating the adults to become more tolerate but too many times schools produce the worse kind of hate because the parents accuse the teachers for promoting unity amongst their students, when the parents do not want their children co-mingling due to their own hate issues. Other times parents themselves are so desperate to have their children accepted and popular that they deliberately encourage feelings of superiority in their children when the children themselves feel an inferiority. Some children, who form cliques and are held together by hate, will spread it through phone calls or the internet when they are intimidated by the group to do so if they wish to remain a part of the group.

Due to the mixed emotions  we parents too many times instill in our own children,  groups often form in schools that learn to either co-exists or it leads to disenfranchising a whole group of children because they are not a part of the “cool group” or “one of us.” To often parents create the hate that surfaces in their own children.  This mentality exists in the parents just as bullies are a product of home environment and are a by-product of hate.

The long and short of hate is that it is very complicated and comes from all directions. Even if we could make laws to counter act hate we would have protests from another group that their rights were being infringed on.  The best solution of all is when”We The People” hear words of hate from our children or their friends we take the time to educate our children and support both our Schools and Church leaders in doing the same.  We need to be the leaders against intolerance in our own homes,neighborhoods, schools, and Churches without passing the buck onto another day or another time.  If it is going on in our schools and Churches ,then we the membership, must stand up against it by demanding that the spread of hate stops and is replaced instead by understanding our differences and acceptance of all Americans as equals.

It often only takes one of us speaking out to turn hate into acceptance in our own neighborhoods, one block at a time. We need to get started making a difference now.  Our Republican Congressmen and  Senators need to quit making excuses and start making comprehensive laws of acceptance of Native Americans, the gay population, and Hispanics that grant them rights. The Republican Senate who has filibustered it, can now rethink their previous objections, by passing the Violence Against Women Act that includes Native Americans, the gay populations and Hispanics.

Anyone who has hate issues themselves needs to get help before you help raise the next generation of people made miserable by their own intolerance and feelings of hate. One thing people who hate never find is joy or contentment.  To think that our child or grandchild will never be happy but instead only hate should spring all of us into action by stopping the spread of hate each time we hear it. The media are easy to deal with as all we need to do is switch stations or turn them off, when they spread their hate. ”We The People”, are not so easy to deal with, so we need to get started and lead by example for the next generations coming up, so they never hear the hate that we have heard escalating and spreading these last four years. The voters have spoken.  God Bless all of us!

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Emotions Denied

Many times in a marriage or a close relationship and while raising children we will see emotions that not only appear out-of-place but they are,for instance, depressed people will quite often laugh or people who have feelings that are hurt will get angry when both would do better to acknowledge their feelings have been hurt or they are feeling sad.  To often relationships will end or be pulled apart because we do not understand our own emotions.

In dysfunctional homes, which comprises of the majority of homes, children are not allowed  to have or to express emotions or worse yet, they are mocked for having these feelings.  As a result of stilted emotions in childhood, many of us do grow up in denial of our own true emotions.  Boys and men have been told for generations that a show of emotion is a sign of weakness just as women have heard for years that they are too emotional to lead. We now know both are the thinking of backward beliefs. We need to know that the Leaders of  business and the World do care about those who they lead and that they will make decisions affecting all of us based, on their concern for our needs and futures.

We just had an election where all Americans were concerned because Romney did not show emotions so we felt the candidate lacked sincerity.  Emotions that are denied in both genders often leads instead to stilted leadership and unfair practices in both business and government and leaves people feeling that the person lacking any show of the same is untrustworthy. When we deny or hide emotion we cause an imbalance of stress in not only our lives but those who share our life with us.

Those under the most stress will often deny that they have stress while often times those who cause stress in other people’s’ lives will be the first to complain that they are under a great deal of stress. Sometimes they are taking their own stress out on others but many times it is used as an excuse for poor behavior on their part as well.  People other times are relieving their stress on others, without even being aware that they are. Determining our own stress related causes is especially important due to the many stressed related diseases that do lead to death in not only ourselves but our loved ones as well.  When it does not affect our health,which is rare indeed, it often leads to the end of really important relationships in our lives.

Too many times we just keep going on and never-changing our patterns in life and in doing so the stress builds up in us.  In areas where noises are constant such as  traffic noises, or trains and planes passing, we may be suffering stress and be totally unaware of the stress caused by noise factors.  Parents have been yelling at children for generations because the loud music teenagers often play, may be relaxing to some, while it causes stress in others.

When children feel stressed we quite often find that they will begin to bicker with each other.  When they are not under stress they will play together in harmony.  When we buy a child under stress a gift or set them in front of a television we do nothing to alleviate the stress they are feeling.  If we send them to their room instead of setting them down and asking them why they are exhibiting inappropriate behavior their stress will continue to build. Other times if we ask them to think about why they are behaving the way they are and to report back to us when they have figured it out, they will come up with their own answers. Other times they will blame others before they understand that their own emotions are coming from eternal changes happening in their own bodies.

Children are no different from adults in that to often, instead of dealing with the truth of their emotions, they will blame the closest to them for their own bad behavior.  Many times it is, we the parents who are accused to be at fault by our children and too many times,out of a feeling of guilt, because we parents have not dealt with our own emotions, we will reward instead of punish their bad behavior.   There are many different ways in childhood, when stress occurs, and our emotions get dismissed,ignored, or criticized. If we reward bad behavior instead of discussing it because we are buying off our own unresolved guilt we can create a monster no differently than we create the same future adult through cruel and abusive treatment in childhood. Other times bad behavior is better explained through chemical imbalances in the brain and our children need early intervention at this time.

When we add abusive punishment to an already stressed child we risk ending up with two kinds of adult behaviors.  We may either have very angry adults or we have adults who live in denial of their own emotions, so they stuff their feelings instead of acknowledging them and releasing their emotions through expression.  When people stuff down  their emotions  they often exhibit their emotions in other ways such as in over spending or shopping, being overtly sexual in their behavior, turning to drugs and alcohol,weight gain or lost,or excessive sleeping.

Many dismissed or ignored emotions are the explanation for why angry adults are not aware their own anger lies in hurt feelings from childhood instead, and why they live and breathe the idea that others are to blame when they become angry or withdraw.  Too often we hear abused partners in a marriage or a relationship say but they are so kind and thoughtful when they are not angry.Other times adults will withdraw emotionally and use it as a form of control over others who are left wondering, sometimes due to their own insecurities, if they said or did something wrong.  Both behaviors are terribly destructive not just in the life of adults but in the lives of children as well. When we give children excuses for poor behavior without taking time to understand their bad behavior they will often times grow up and excuse poor behavior in others and sadly it does reach the point that they accept abusive behavior through the reasoning that they love the abuser or they become the abuser themselves.

When we do leave abusive relationships because we recognize how destructive they are to us, we need to get professional help, many times, to understand what it was in us that allowed someone else to mistreat us.  If we try to go back into a relationship without resolving our own emotions or discussing our differences with them, we will only repeat the mistakes of our past. They will not change or become less abusive just because we wish them to.

If the other person in the relationship, tells us they want to start all over and leave the past unresolved, too often we only rehurt ourself all over again because the same words or behavior that hurt us in the past will keep reoccurring unless both of us are strong enough to talk it through and to put an end to it that is welcoming and calming to both of us.  Just because we wish to change does not mean they do as well.  Too often people who live their lives blaming someone other than themselves, also die that way.We often find this to be true when adult children try to make up with a parent or spouses try to reunite.

Stress related diseases are not found in the remains of the caveman so how do we explain that foraging for food and not knowing if they ate or not was not stressful? The explanations can be as complicated or as simple as we make them.  More than likely, it is the simple explanations; they did not know differently because they lived in an isolated environment in communes where everyone else shared their same lifestyle,  competition to succeed was not a part of their environment, nor were outside aggravations from other influences that affect modern man a part of their lives, everyone was dependent on everyone else in their group for their survival so when problems arose or they needed to hunt together,they worked the problems out through communication or they were not pressed for time because their lives were less complicated.  The stress that we experience was not a part of their lives and therefore the stress related diseases that we see today, were not present either.

There are a number of ways that we can relieve stress that do not cost money and bankrupt us as adults with the most important one being to listen to our children and to validate their feelings.  We can go out together as a family for pizza, to the park, or camp out and go fishing, go to the beach, take time out of our busy days to walk together or to set together at the dinner table and discuss our days.  The things that we do with our children together, is  what helps make them grow up as calm adults.  Placing them in an activity while we send them in a car pool does not replace that family time that children crave.

In a relationship men need male bonding as much as women need female companionship.  If we do not trust our relationship or marriage enough to accept that there will be times in all of our relationships and marriages that we need to give each other space then, more than likely, we should not make plans to commit to the relationship for life.  Trust is the necessary foundation of all relationships and without it we are only lying to ourselves if we cannot trust enough to let go.  Women quite often need to release stress through hobbies or crafts just as men do through sports or hunting or both need space to paint or write.  It is o.k. to play or watch sports, to hunt or share a hobby together, but to become inseparable when we are young, will usually cause more problems in the relationship than what we will find when we give each other the space we each need, to develop our own interests and responsibilities separately,occasionally.

When we are dealing with a marriage or an adult relationship, many times it is a necessity to have space from each other. We both should be aware of the person who refuses us the necessary space because they could very well be possessive or interested in forming a relationship of co-dependence, that shuts out all of our other important friendships and family members.  It is not always the inseparable couple who are the happiest.  Quite often it is the opposite of a happy couple, but instead a smothered couple.

In any relationship it helps to have other interests that gives us space as we need separate space just as much as we need shared space.  Sometimes when days off are limited, in marriages as in friendships,or families, it does help to take separate vacations if our interests are not shared.When we are a young family then it is always  wise to use our days off to expose our children to other parts of the Country or World so they are not intimidated when they need to move on with their own lives.  It does us well to understand that vacation time can be just as stressful on children as it can be on adults.  It’s always best to start with short trips and limited days until they get older.

Absence may not make our hearts grow fonder, so to speak, but we often find out that the reason we are feeling bad has nothing to do with the person we are blaming but everything to do with our own inability to deal with our own unresolved emotions from another happenstance in our lives, when we make space for ourselves and take time to reflect. This does not mean that we do not make shared time and interests just as much of a priority and we remain close as a couple because if we spend too much time apart we can become a high risk couple as well.  Like everything in life it is about balance while recognizing the importance of sharing our time as well.

I caution all of us to think before we find our own behavior destroying our own lives, when we instead are blaming it on others who truly do care about us and are innocent of our own hurt feelings or anger. At the same token, I caution everyone to think equally as hard about the solutions that will be resolved prior to going back to an old abusive relationship or starting a new one, since past behavior often indicates future behavior. When people begin lying to themselves about their emotional history, in order to believe their own lies or to embrace denial, reality is no longer their long suit and they become totally unaware of the fact that they are lying to themselves as well as their loved ones.

Sometimes  people,who refuse to accept responsibility for their own poor behavior, really are at fault when it comes to the hurt in us. We are in trouble if we are making too many excuses for them by rewarding bad behavior and taking responsibility for it ourselves. Other times we may be blaming others because of our own unresolved emotions. If we do not allow people to mistreat us they cannot mistreat us but we need to be certain it isn’t we who are mistreating ourselves the most.

If we cannot resolve these issues on our own it often saves the best relationships we will ever have, if we seek out professional help, before we end the relationships. If communications are impossible because they refuse to take shared responsibility for the problems in our relationships or we refuse to hear what they are saying, then we need help.  We cannot force others to view the problems the same way we do or see problems when they were not aware that any existed.

If we cannot afford counseling then a good friend who understands what makes others tick, because they have experience in life, may be able to help us, as long as we do not blame them for failing to say the things we want to hear.  If we find them agreeing with us instead of pointing out both sides, then seek out someone else because they are not challenging us to see beyond our already written in the stone beliefs. People tell us not to make rash judgements for a reason with the main reason being ,when we do, we often hurt ourselves far worse than we do anyone else if we fail to deal with our own emotions,first.

Be kind and know that unless we resolve our own emotional history we will not find the joy we seek nor will we find it in someone else.  It is true, “that familiarity often breeds contempt,” because those who truly care about us are the closest to us.  Many times we also know them better than they know themselves, and we make it more difficult for them to make excuses or to lie to themselves when they know, we know the truth, and they refuse to take responsibility for their own emotions or behavior.

We can also be the first hurt by those who are in denial of their own emotions, as we are the ones who often get lied about the most since the goal of the person in denial is to protect that denial at all cost. As difficult as it is in the beginning, if they are not willing to deal with reality in time, we begin to feel the relief of being out of their drama and realize the value of being free from the same, once we do heal.

No one but ourselves can make us happy or at peace with others.Nor is it their job to do so. Other people can add to or compliment our own happiness or joy only if we have already found happiness through our own approval of self, and acceptance of others’ rights to find their own happiness with or without us. At the same token other people can only destroy that inner-peace in us, if we give them permission to do so.

It is very difficult work that is involved and often takes years of laying our heads on the pillow content with knowing we do feel complete because we have given much more to life than we have subtracted from it. We also must be aware that to be real, our contentment in life never wavers no matter how many times it gets challenged,as it will be challenged many more times in life. We cannot mistake what I am writing about with the narcissists who feel they are entitled to everything they get.

We must be cognizant of the fact there are people who are more content with being a victim,due to their delayed or stunted emotional growth, than they are with being a winner. We need to accept that many times those we think we are the closest to are the most toxic to us, just as we must learn to accept those we think are our enemy often times are our best friend. People prove their loyalty to us time and time again but sadly too many people often put their faith in those who don’t support them, because the people they protect lead them into believing they are a victim.

It is the nature of mankind to react to tragedy and injustice when we see it and if we are not selfish by nature, we offer help and support, to those who truly do suffer.  Unfortunately there are those who prey on that factor and want us to feel they are a victim as well.  Too many times those who do not deal with their own emotional history will  use our naivety or kindness to their advantage to manipulate those of us who do care. It especially occurs in those who do not take a good long hard look at themselves and ask,”Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes and hurting myself in the process.

It is nice to write about something other than politics again and now that we are done celebrating our Country’s victory, some of us need to get to work on our own victories. It often entails hard work when we do wish to be honest with ourselves and others. The efforts to know ourselves are greatly rewarded when we do.

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The Violence Against Women Bill

If we are to believe the polls, we are hearing that the women’s vote is turning towards the Republicans and Mitt Romney.  If they have a list of Mormon families on that list then it would be an understandable explanation in the change in the polls.

If you, as  women are as aware as I think you are, then you already understand as I do, that equal pay for equal work that President OBama signed into law, will be revoked or moved against by the Republicans, as soon as we have another Republican majority in both the House and Senate.  Just where this poll has come from should leave us all suspect.

Just because they are using women in the GOP to speak out and say,”Look we are women,so  if there was an attack on women we would not be supporting it,” leaves me doubting that the majority of women are buying into the Mitt Romney warm and fuzzy campaign in favor of winning the women’s vote by saying,” look I hired women speal.” When we understand that women have provided cheap labor for years for the Republican Party because of their refusal to past the Lillie Ledbetter Bill then it makes perfectly good sense as to why Mitt Romney would hire women.  When we add to that Mormon women spend hours of volunteer time to promote the jobs of the males in their Faith, then it makes even more sense why half of Mitt Romney’s staff were women.

If women  in America, are truly buying into the idea that the Republican Party is not responsible for passing 1000 new bills in our States that would deny women the right to their own decisions while denying other Americans, then I am crushed by my fellow sisters lack of following on the bills that are not just being initiated against women but against other Americans as well.  Historically it has been women who have led the fight against injustices and prejudices being led by the white male race in America.  We ourselves have had to fight against this hateful and narrow view for so long that we are more apt to recognize it when they try to disguise it under other bills.

One thing both Republicans and Democrats have been able to agree on for the last forty some years is that violence of any kind in the home is simply wrong.  When it is acted out in a home and our children are exposed to this behavior, study after study shows how this behavior is passed on and acted out on the future generations to come. If we do not all know by now, we all should know, that gay couples live together and adopt children, often not chosen by straight couples.  If it had not have been for gay couples adopting children with aids for these many years these children along with  special needs children would not have ever known the experience of living in a loving home. Gay couples just like,immigrants, and Native American families are not immune to violence in the home anymore than straight white couples are.

Even in 1994 the Violence against Women Act passed with unanimous vote with both parties.  Just to show all of us just how hateful the Republican Party has become, they have added a stipulation this year to the bill that Native Americans,the gay population, and immigrants not be protected under this law.  Not even the Republican Party has  excluded anyone in the home from protection against violence  before.

We know that the Republican Party refuses to pass any laws banning hate crimes against the gay population because they claim there are no laws that recognize them,The Republican Party totally spurns the rights granted the gay community in both our Constitution and Equal Rights Amendment and instead in their arrogance, play God, in denying these civil rights granted to all Americans. To deny other groups as well, is at very least an inhumane movement being acted out against our minority population by the Republican Party.

What they are doing along with their women cohorts is simply a disgrace against humanity in the name of the obstructionist in the Congress. That their women cohorts are not speaking out in outrage, just reassures me ,that they are being held as hostage in their own Party or they lack the very backbone of the nurturing aspects of Women who are the superior gender and leaders in the field, when it comes to the protection of human rights and equality for all Americans.

When the same Party passes the “Stand Your Ground Law” in 17 States that will increase the threat against minorities and women in America even further, but cannot pass “The Violence Against Women Act” without conditions based in “Good Old Boys Mentality”, is there any doubts left as to the direction the Republican Party is taking America? Why were so many of us, so outraged by Mitt Romney putting his dog on the roof of his car, but then we  are mute on the subject of bigotry threatening the freedoms of all of us?  If we women are outraged and speaking out, I am sorry but I cannot hear you!   If we do not stand up against this injustice, then no one will.

We can not nor should we tolerate the behavior of these bigots, who would deny protection to the very people who need it most.  When we understand that the Republican Congress has announced they will not vote in favor of renewing the “The Violence Against Women act,” unless the gay community,Native Americans, and immigrants are removed from protection under the Bill, and this includes the women in their Party as well, then we understand even clearer the lack of common decency taking place in the Republican Party today.

The Republican answer that these groups are already covered so therefore do not need to be spelled out in this Bill is the exact same argument that was used when women and African-Americans had to fight for their Civil rights by adding “The Equal Rights Amendment,” to the Constitution.   If the Republicans agree to protection for these groups then they have to deny the bigotry that is denying these groups their Civil Rights as well. I am speaking of the illegal actions that are taking place on our borders against the Mexicans and Latinos, against those who practice different Religions from Christianity, and the “hate crimes” against the Gay community.

If the Republicans acknowledge protection of these groups under law, then they open the doors for those who will revoke the laws established in various States against these groups, and this is what drives the Republican Party to fight against adding these groups to the,” Violence Against Women Bill.” As long as they are not added to the Bill they have no protection against Violence in their homes or States, by law.They refuse to even acknowledge the reality of the Gay community.

It is identical to what took place with both African-Americans and women before the addition of the “Equal Rights Amendment.” They argued women and African-Americans were already protected under the Constitution then as well. These groups are also protected under the Equal Rights Amendment but have no legal recourse to fight against the injustice of the laws that are being established in the States, just as the African-Americans were unable to fight against the”Jim Crow” laws.

How long will we women allow the Republican spokes people along with the Republican Party to define us as not caring about these things before we do speak up?  Even the main stream media is promoting the idea; that, we women, only care about jobs and the economy.  The last time I checked I still cared about the bills being passed in the States that would deny us the rights to our own health issues,contraception and conception along with the injustices being played out in these States against these groups.  I bet you do too. It is not just enough that we vote as  we need to speak up as well.  When we do we will scare the hell out of these bigots who cannot win the elections without us. It is the only way to stop them from making these unjust laws that deny our own rights as well as those of our fellow Americans, in our own States.

President OBama has said he will veto the bill if the Congress does not remove these stipulations against these groups by not including them in the Violence Against Women Act and instead pass the Senate bill which does not have these stipulations in it. To hold such a necessary and common decency bill hostage is a disgrace to all of us, who take pride in being an American, but especially to all of those who shed blood,sacrificed. or died so that we could all be free.  Vote the bums out in November.

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Respecting Our Differences

How many times do we hear parents say,”They may look-alike but none of them act the same,”in families, and yet we try to force identical behavior on all of the children. I understand the necessity to set rules and boundaries in our homes,in order to maintain equality for all the members of the family. I do not dispute the need to do so.

What I am talking about is how too many times we try to pin point each child into following the example of the child, that parents often pick,out of the family. More times than not it will be the oldest son or daughter of the home. There is even the philosophy or belief that exist, “raise the first child right and all the rest will follow.” Other times if parents find the oldest un-cooperative then they will pick the most submissive and hold her or him up as their favorite child or the example of the family, that the rest of the children need to follow.

We always do better as parents if we set the example that the children are to follow, instead of putting perfection on another child in the household. Too often the behavior of the child, is anything but perfection, but in a parents’ need to think they are raising the perfect child, they often blame that child more harshly, when they do prove that they are just a normal child and do and will make mistakes like all the rest of the children.

Other times parents are so intent in believing that this child is perfect that they will never make them take responsibility for their own mistakes or failures. In short parents will go into denial and refuse to believe anyone, who does not agree with their own estimation of their child. This will sometimes even include law enforcement, when they show up, and still these parents will deny this child made a mistake. It will always be the fault of another instead.

I think most people do understand the damage that parents do when they set their children against each other to compete for their approval or love, but sadly, it still does not stop that form of parenting ,in some cases. To call ourselves good parents when we will not tolerate anything beyond what we establish as “black and white”, reality, is an exaggeration of the word, “good.”

Just as we parents acknowledge, our children are all different, they will also excel in different areas of their life. The differences in maturity also tell us the need to raise our children as the individual they are. To simply pick out a child and expect the rest to follow the same behavior will only backfire and disappoint both them as well as ourselves. It is when we try to force a child into an image, we conceive, that we will have children who will rebel and often become the so-called,”losers”, that the parents have labeled them to be.

It can become very destructive to the families’ unity, when the child who disagrees with the parents has higher standards and becomes the real success of the family, instead, and they were not the “chosen one.”Sadly, there will always be families who would rather be right than to have a child of theirs’ prove their own judgment to be wrong, regardless how successful of a person, that child becomes. In cases where the entire family follows the lead of the parent, the child who feels differently in their belief system from the rest, will many times be branded by the siblings, especially when jealousy plays a role, no differently from the way the parents will brand the child,as well.

Just as adults have different ideas and opinions as well as different taste and some mature while others never do, the same is true of our children. If one of our children excels at sports and the other as a painter or writer, too many times fathers especially, will treat the son who enjoys something different from he did, as a child in the home who he simply shares the home with. Other times men will argue “they are girls. What do I know about shopping or volley ball?”

Mothers on the other hand, sometimes, will claim that they are just too nervous to watch sports while indulging the son or daughter who will go shopping with her. Other times it is the mothers who would not miss one of their child’s sports activities but will fail to show up at another child’s piano recital or the reverse. Children need equal time and attention from their parents and we cannot simply substitute our time by replacing it with an older sibling. If they fail to become a “mini Me” and instead find interests of their own, we need to keep our own disappointment out of it, and instead support them.

When we become lost in our own lives,children will misbehave, if they find that is the only way they can get our attention. Fathers cannot continuously expect mothers to cover for them in their child’s activities or the reverse, and not expect that at some point their child or children will act out their disappointment, as well.

To be good parents we all need to understand that our children will choose what interests them and when they do, our role is to support each child with the same amount of concern and interests that we show those who share our interests. If we cannot be enthusiastic just for the sake of it being our child, who is performing, then we need to make an attitude adjustment of our own. We need to make an effort to understand better why this holds an interest to our child. If we need to learn the game, then take time to learn it.

When we allow our own fears to enter into the lives of our children, too many times, we can let those fears stagnate the life that our child has a right to discover. Too often parents will believe that their “black and white” way of doing things is all that matters, and as long as a child steps up to that criteria, then we have been good parents. We can also apply this same theory to the kind of person we have become when it comes to accepting the differences in all of the human race.

Good parents are in truth, those parents who accept our children’s differences from ourselves as readily as we do their shared interests with us. Anyone can enjoy what we find enjoyable but it takes a good parent to acknowledge enjoyment and respect for our children’s differences, from our own.

It is always easy to raise a child who agrees with us, but the true test of our own ability, is raising the child who has a different opinion from our own, on almost everything, with the exception of morality. When we raise our children through love and support while teaching them the boundaries of respect, in return, we teach them the significance of unconditional love. They will then in return teach their children who will teach their children etc., and both the family as well as Society, will know the rewards.

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Learning From Our Teenagers

If we have made responsibility the central theme in our homes, long before the adolescent years, then we can often times see what we have taught our children, come back at us during the teenage years. Responsibility does not just mean making their school work their number one pursuit nor does it mean cleaning their rooms and looking after their own personal hygiene the only thing that matters. A great part of responsiblity also entails teaching them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and the words that come out of their own mouths.

They or we do not get to get off on being rude to us or others, because we have failed to teach them respect. They or we do not get to get off on lying or cheating on their homework, because we have made study time consistent in our homes and made it the top priority over anything else,first. Home work needs to be done where we can both watch them and help them when they need help.

If they are not asking us for help then that is a good clue they are not doing their homework. Sending them to their room so they can grab a book and pretend or switch to a web site every time they hear us in the hallway or knock on the door is not supervising homework. They or we do not go free from understanding that when we deal out discipline or punishment they will need to follow it through until they finish it because we have been consistent with our punishment.

In short then, just as all the lessons of life need to be taught to our children because we have done our job they need to take responsibility for their actions by doing their job. Do not use,”I trust my child or children” as a cop-out to get out of taking your own responsibility towards being there both as their supervisor and their guide.

The earlier children understand right from wrong and their responsibility in it, the sooner it becomes habit in their lives. Children who are not confused with morality,since they have learned to live the value of right over wrong until it has become a habit, many times, are more tuned in to the choices available to them. It takes so much more energy to lie and cheat because we are always called on to remember what it was we said in order to keep from exposing ourselves as a liar. Not to mention the guilt that often follows that all liars need to justify in order to live with the lie. Mankind was never made to lie. At the opposite end of that statement, since it is not accurate to generalize about anyone,many times, it is the parents who make the rules too strict,who have the children who behave the worse,once they find their freedom or rebel.

The chances are always better with honest children who are allowed to express themselves,because many times they are not conflicted by peer pressure or not understanding their own minds or direction. Since teenagers are no different from the rest of the population and anything is possible we need to keep in mind that they still need our direction during moments of doubt or confusion that will sometimes happen. Other times to be able to say,”My parents would kill me if I do”,offers a nice excuse for them to get out of doing what they know is wrong. No one can ever say,”My child never would.” and say it with certainty. Our chances are better with honest kids who do not have to lie in order to be able to spend time with their friends, though in a great deal of the cases.

Since self-expression as well as terminology and the way it gets expressed, is very much a part of each individual taste, be prepared to be humbled, if they do not always dress or appear to speak the same language as we do.Conformity will come soon enough,and it does us all well, to support their own desire to express who they are to themselves as well as their peers. Wanting to be different from everyone else is much better than wanting to be like everyone else,in an effort to be accepted or popular.Many times they will set the trend when they do decide to be different and if not they are showing more courage than most of us do, and that is a good thing.Creatitivity, often, brings along with it a life-time of success and contentment.

It is not the responsibility of the school, Church, grandparents or anyone else to teach our children how to take responsibility for their own behavior, it is our responsibility to teach them. The others will simply aid us or help us once we get them started in understanding that we are the parents and our children can both trust us to keep our word to them and they can rely on us to be there for them when they need us. They need to learn that our home is a safe place to return to at the end of the day when children have been children.

If we do not remember just how mean children can be to each other, then we need to take a refresher course by just listening to our children and offering the help where needed. If it is our own child who is mean and we are not handling it correctly because they are being mean to other children and even being bullies, then we need to get professional help,the earlier the better.

After all of that has been accomplished, we will have these wonderful people in our lives who are known as teenagers. They will bring home with them and their friends an enthusiasm and zest for life, at the point in our own lives, we feel our own enthusiasm is draining. They have a generosity of heart for all their fellow students, at a time, we have become too set in our ways or too complacent with the status quo. They will accept everyone because they have been taught to accept everyone and they will many times remind us that it was us who taught them the significance of doing so, at a time, we are becoming more cynical each day. They have a thirst for learning and getting involved with the world around them, at a time, we are not even keeping up with the magazine subscriptions on World affairs.

If we as parents remember that we need to start teaching our children no later than the age of 2 or 3 the significance of taking responsibility for their own actions as well as what is theirs and taking responsibility for it as well, then we will find that our teenagers have a great deal to teach us.

Many times, we had already taught them but until now, we were not always certain that they had heard. If our teenagers are not renewing our own youth while inspiring us to be more accepting of others, but instead are a consistent head ache, each day, then do them and you both a favor, do not stoop to their level and fight and argue with them but instead get them help that you both need. If we have done our job in early training,and we are maintaining a general acceptance of their right to express themselves, but there is no explanation for this sudden change in attitude, many times, this is the time that we will see mental illness and depression begin to play a role in the lives of our child or children.That can be true in poorly structured homes as well.Too often we over-look genetic factors that are often as a result of hereditary factors.

For the sake of all adolescence and teenagers, everywhere, parents need to know and understand that personalities do not just change from happy-go-lucky to quiet and withdrawn. As parents we need to make certain that there is not an under lying cause and we as parents need to be aware if our children have had a life changing altercation or attack on them, are not doing street drugs or drugs stolen from our own medicine cabinets, or taking alcohol from our own homes.

If they have not had the early training in childhood or have had early training we need to get out of denial, and understand both are sometimes the other side of being teenagers. Children many times will be the alcohol or drug suppliers from our own home or from their grandparents without anyone being wiser for it. It is also, quite possible, that they are suffering from depression and need medical help.

Do not think that teenagers will always share the truth with us or for that matter anyone else either. Many times they carry an irrational shame or fear that can only surface with the help of a professionally trained person or people. Do not wait until the school decides to send them to counseling as many times kids can be great deceivers and schools do not always see the child we see.

Many times poor behavior is shown to us, as parents, as a scream for help when our child needs help. Our teenagers can teach us many things and all we have to do is be tuned in or knowledgeable enough to know the symptoms that are out-of-place when they happen.

We can only know that when we do know and understand we are their parent and their friends are their friends. Too many parents make the mistake that teenagers are adults now so we just have to let them learn on their own. Make certain we are learning as well, from the teenager, so we can step in when needed. The success of their life may depend on it. Teenagers are for enjoying and if they are unhappy we will be as well. Stay alert,be wise, and be there, and it can be the best years of all of our lives. Not only will we all be rewarded as a family, but so will, all of Society feel the imprint we have made on our children’s lives.

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Accepting Me Accepting You

Despite the differences in all of us, the only real thing that all children,adults,families,schoolmates,neighbors,co-workers and all people who make up our daily lives are looking for is acceptance.

We often find that people who have lived in a community ,neighborhood or worked at a place longer than the rest feels an entitlement to make certain the new people know how we do things around here. If the new comers refuse to accept our ways of doing things, many times it can turn out to an all out war of the Hatfields and the McCoys. If we have never put up a fence and the outsiders want a privacy fence for their own reasoning the fur sometimes will start flying. If the new employee has learned a more efficient way of processing information than what we learned and refuse to accept what we are teaching them then the feelings are stepped on to the detriment of harmony in the office many times. We all want acceptance in our lives.

When trouble developes in families,neighborhoods,at school or the work place it can usually be traced back to a group or individual who has tried to force conformity on the rest of the people or population to accept their terms of the way things should be done. Change comes difficult for some and they will fight tooth and nail to make certain that change never happens even when the majority have grown to accept that it is necessary to move on or ahead in order to maintain acceptance of the majority in a Democracy,harmony, or to improve on the past.

Trouble usually begins in large families when siblings marry and start bringing in new ideas that are foreign to the pecking order that the family had established years ago. If big brother or big sister had assumed the role of parenting and became comfortable in dishing out orders or making decisions and little sister or brother feel they have a better way of doing things then problems will arise. The older siblings have grown to accept that they are in charge and how dare they be upstaged by a different way of thinking or doing things. The same is true when parents feel because of their station in life their children are bound to accept their dictates for life and if they do not then they will simply disown them,in some cases.

When couples get married and accept that they will refuse to do everything the same way their parents did but instead will form a relationship based on their own acceptance of what standards they will keep and which they will discard they are behaving in a totally natural and healthy frame of mind. Maturity is all about forming our own boundaries and acceptance of the input into what our marriage will represent and look like to us.

When we refuse any acceptance or imput into the formation of our own marriage from our husbands or wives, because Mom or Dad would never approve or did not do it that way or believe in that political party or religion and a wife or husband instead determine that they will live their lives identical to the way their parents or siblings have always dictated, we leave no room for our partners acceptance into our lives. These marriages are in trouble from day one and indicate an immaturity in the couple that suggest they were not ready for marriage.

Marriages last because of our acceptance of both of our differences as well as our likes.Too many people fail to understand that many of us form the idea that we are what we do or like and when there is no acceptance of our likes or differences we often feel that there is no acceptance of us. When we determine the moral ground that we will choose to conform to in order to maintain who we are or to raise a family we accept each other. We need to be on the same page morally in order for a base of trust to form.

If one of the partners are moral and the other immoral we immediately start forming a crack in the foundation of trust that holds the rest of the body of our marriage together. Make no mistakes about it, immoral includes trying to control or dictate to our spouses through the use of force or abuse how they will live their life. Just as it does in the way we spend money or bankrupt the family, on wants over needs. It is when we can no longer accept each others differences that we quit liking or respecting each other and the marriage divides.The character of a person plays a huge role in whether we will accept each other and whether our marriage will last.

The same is true about raising children. What children really want from their parents is acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy doing. When men want a football or baseball star because they think their son has the aptitude they quite often turn the child into what they want instead of what the child wants. Most sons will go along with their Dads because all children starve for their parents acceptance. It is true when mothers turn their daughters into beauty pageants,send them to dance school or cheerleading.

Although it is fine to expose our children to different forms of possible accomplishments in life too many of us fail to hear the child when they say,”Mom and Dad I would rather do…..” Many times it is a far worse crises for a child to feel that they disappoint their parents than it is to speak out and say they do not want to do what Mom and Dad want because most children will do anything to gain acceptance and to avoid disappointing mom and dad. When they do say they want to quit we need to see ourselves as successful parents who have given them a voice in their own lives.

We need to let go of the idea that if we sign up a child to something that we want because we are choosing to live our lives vicariously through our child, that when our children say they would rather quit and do something different they are not failures.There will be things that all children need to learn in order to safe guard their own safety in the future such as discipline and punishment for bad behavior,taking responsibility for their own actions, swimming, basic first aid course and a good education and these we cannot let them decide that they do want to quit. Raising our children successfully is about what their genetic code is telling them and acceptance of their differences from our own.

Just as our parents raised a child or children who grew up to be nothing that they dreamt we would be and learn to accept that,if it was a functional home,we need to do the same in our homes. It is only when we refuse to accept each other for the path that they choose that families will and do disintegrate and form black sheep. When we all are living a moral life regardless of our differences there should never be a black sheep in the family. None of us get to judge who is living a moral life and who is not because just like people have difference in ideas they also have differences in spiritual beliefs and how and where they will worship.

If we are not breaking God’s law or Man’s law we are moral according to our own right to accept the direction we choose to take. The rhetoric and hate being spewed by the politicians should never be considered as moral in our homes to the point that politics destroy our families the way they are destroying their own party with the voters. Life is about me accepting you and you accepting me. God Bless us all!

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Romanticing Childhood

My husband and I had the good fortune to be able to have our oldest Grandson stay with us for a few days, this last week, while his Dad was in Ohio on Business and his Mom was with his youngest Brother who was going through medical testing. It is my choice while he visits us, right or wrong, to spoil him rotten by letting him set his hours within reason,buying him the one thing that he wants,letting him eat what he wants, and play as much Wii as he likes. After all that is the luxury of being grandparents and he has terrific parents that understand my desire to do so. If he grows up and remembers a childhood at Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house close to idea, it will be based on reality. He is kept safe while we all stress that it is a once a year special time and not a healthy or responsible way to live,on a daily basis. He understands when he leaves here that it is reality time again.

It is not until we are able to acknowledge and accept the truth that our parents made mistakes and we forgive them for those mistakes, by facing our childhood honestly, that we ourselves will find maturity. Because we did not have the stresses and problems of the adult world in our youth those who did not come out of total terror, tend to think that our childhood was less complicated and freer than what kids have today. Every generation initially goes through the idea that we will never be able to live up to what Mom or Dad accomplished.

While we dream of those carefree summer days of playing outdoors we forget the number of young girls and boys who were indeed molested by the neighbor,uncle,camp director or grandpa because Mom and Dad wanted us out of their hair. The laws effecting us as adults today were made as a result of those,” out of sight out of mind,” days where our parents lacked the knowledge or awareness to safeguard their children against predators.

The spankings that many got, because they deserved them according to another time in thinking, were rare occasions in some houses until we remember the times when our sibling or siblings accused us and we were punished for it when we did not do it. We then begin understanding the reason we were punished, unfairly, was because there was no one listening or watching, as kids were not promoted to be able to express themselves. Many were left to figure out their own problems without guidance. Mom was having that afternoon glass, or so, of wine, dad was out working everyone at the office to only come home and take a drag on the whiskey bottle or the Bud can, or their own problems were more important than any problem we ever had. We were told to keep it quiet about Uncle so and so or the family would be mad at them.

Every generation, while we are young and under stress, have a need to somehow impress on ourselves that life was a kinder gentler time at some point than what we are dealing with today. Kids embarrassed parents in grocery stores then as well as they do today. A sane parent did not spank them then either for fear of what they might look like. They may have once they got them out to the car but as a rule kids were told before they were taken into the store what would happen if they misbehaved.Parents who followed through on punishment, promised, did not have kids acting out because they were consistent with their punishment. When kids learned their bad behavior could get them what they wanted, they would behave poorly then as well.

Not all parents did discipline and instead gave in and bought the child what they wanted and that was the purpose of the fit, in the first place. Parents often left kids locked in the car during the hot months of summer and but for the grace of God somehow we survived. We now have laws against doing that because too many kids did die trapped in their car seats. Other parents often made the trips to the store without the child as they waited until Dad got home. Men and women were not sharing the chores then like they do today.Latch key kids were more common because many did not have day care or could afford it if they did.

Not all parents cooked, but you better believe if they did, we were not leaving the table until we did clean our plate even if we had to wash it down with milk or we gagged trying. Only those who were aware of the fact that force feeding leads to obesity in adult years would let the kids leave the table when they were not hungry. There were the bar-b-ques and the meals in the rural areas that were cooked on a daily basis, but most parents did the Deli, McDonalds,Pizza Hut, corn dogs and micro-waveable meals, but instead we tend to remember the holiday meals or the meals cooked when company came, and over look the times that parents were waiting for pay-day to restock necessities.

Oh yes, it is nice to be young and to think that life was better when we were kids and we were less spoiled and more grateful. Denial does a wonderful thing to our memories until we are forced into dealing with the reality as to why we are experiencing health problems,why we always seem to deal with stress with another glass of wine, why the Dr. is prescribing Prozac, and what is it that nags at our minds at night to the point that we need a sleeping pill in order to sleep,etc. etc. Maturity brings with it the healing necessary for all of us to confront our own lives and in doing so we need to take a more honest and realistic look at our childhood.

If it is not our own health problems that force us into it then many times it is the crowds our children are hanging with, because we are as tired of our own screaming as the kids are, or some other life altering experience like adultery or divorce that wakes us up so that in order to save both our own well-being or that of our child’s we must take a good and careful look at why we thought Mom and Dad were perfect and we could never measure up.

There are those who will remain in denial their entire life as they never do grow up. They protect their lies and take denial to the grave. They also never have any real understanding for the truth but base their lives around fantasy, the shopping malls, a drugged stupor, or in a drunken haze. Their relationships fail, as just as, they do not confront and face the truth of their own childhoods they never accept responsibility for their own mistakes either.

In a healthier home parents will acknowledge their mistakes through open conversation without accusation or passing the buck.The topic of conversation many times circle around the accomplishments and successes of the members of the family. The sincerity of the members of the family is real and not clouded by spiteful comments or jealously or envy. Families become concern as to why their sibling or parents become concern as to why their child is showing such health problems. They gather together to determine how they will be able to help out the member who needs their help. The sick and hurting certainly never do need to ask for their families help because family just show up, job or no job.Many times there are explanations as to how things happened the way they did, but they do not deny that it happened, blame the child, nor argue about it with excuses being prevalent.

In a dysfunctional home the hypochondriacs come out of the woodwork concern if they too are not going to be diagnosed with such a terrible disease until they reason that they take better care of themselves.The topic of conversation is ,often times, based around who has had to suffer the most hardships and those that have,win.Rarely, if ever, do they take into consideration what extent their own decisions or choices made in their hardships. Instead they get their high off of playing a victim, since that alone, many times in their minds, gives them a right towards entitlements. They have a thousand reasons why they cannot help out with those reasons all circulating around their own needs. Some will even try to upstage the sick or injured by claiming to have far worse health problems or blame the member who is ill for having done it to themselves.

Occasionally they will send a bouquet of flowers and congratulate themselves, thinking they are helping, when what the ill really need is to have their hand held or a babysitter for the kids. It will be the mature one, often the sick person themselves, that many times acknowledge the truth and are open and honest about it, because they do have the empathy to understand and the compassion to forgive, long before the other family members will get out of denial long enough to acknowledge the truth.

Many times people do through their own ignorance, innocence, or denial make poor decisions that can and do lead to their own illness or injury.There is a fake bravado in youth that tells most of us that the warnings do not apply to us. Bad things only happen to other people. Other times due to a weaken genetic make-up what should not normally lead to injury does in some people and not in others. The great majority of us, if not all of us, would never make those decisions again if we were fully aware of what the repercussions would be. The best that most of us can hope for is that our loved ones not repeat our mistake or make different decisions than we did. A compassionate family will not point out or refuse to visit a loved one, in the hospital, when they are suffering, even when their mistake does lead to their own illness or injury. There may be other justifiable reasons not to visit but when family members stay away because,”they did it to themselves” then there clearly are,many times, more psychological reasons involved, from what most of us are aware of.

I offer to all of us then, the hope on days that seem hopeless, the inspiration on days that we do not feel inspired,the reality that life does work out as long as we claim responsibility and get the help that both we need and the help our loved ones need. It is through the maturity and the strength of wisdom that we all can handle the truth as it does bring with it the appreciation that what ever life hands us, we will some how be able to muddle through it, and be grateful for another day, another tomorrow, and another year.

We all need to know the enjoyment of each day based on truth before we do reach that point that we do understand just how short life really is. After all, if we are lucky, we have so many more adult years than we have childhood years. When we truly do love one another we will choose to treat them the way we would want to be treated, and we will know the life we created is even better than the childhood we fantasized about, ever was. Almost always it means sacrifices on the part of all of us, but we will learn ourselves and teach our children how to take responsibility,be self-sufficient and kind to others. I wish us all a terrific weekend acknowledging each other’s value, always!

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It IS That Simple

If you have had the patience to bear with me these last several weeks, I thank you and I apologize to all of you who do understand already that life is about taking responsibility for our own behavior and worth. Unless we can accept our own errors and mistakes we cannot forgive ourselves. The great majority of us do not set out to defeat ourselves or others for that matter but we all do make mistakes because none of us are or ever will be perfect. In areas where we have dependents, as in minors, then we have an obligation as well as duty to guide them, as well.

We accomplish nothing in the way we feel about ourselves or others when we control other human beings. Adults who have already taken that message to heart and placed it into practice do not need to be told by boy or girl friends, husbands,wives, parents,siblings,neighbors or anyone else how they should behave, unless they ask for our advice.When adults assume their own responsibility and are not intruding on our own lives or shirking their responsibility, they do not need our constructive criticism, as what has worked for us, often fails others. We humans are made up of diversity and individualism and when we fail to act on that we fail ourselves. Where mutual respect is held, couples will discuss their differences instead of controlling their mates

Those of us who run-away-from or shirk our own duties and responsibilities, more times than not, need guidance that was failed us while growing up. Denial is the greatest offender followed by passing blame and excuses that any adult can and does fall back on. When we find that we have fallen into this pattern as adults, we do not go back to the people who failed us, to guide us, but instead we should seek out those who have been trained professionally to help us understand where we are failing.

As the old adage goes: “Any advice worth getting is worth paying for.” It is important, that we as parents, ask for and get that advice before we or our children come to the attention of law enforcement. If and when that fails then trust your own conscience and common sense or a good friend who has both if you are short on them or too closely related to the problem. If money is in short supply, there is always help offered through Human Services in our County and other State institutions. The Baker Law, allows all police officers to take anyone suffering from mental illness, regardless of age or income, to a hospital to get the kind of health care they need.

As a Society, it is our job to understand and know the difference between who does need our help and who does not. That decision will never be based on how much someone owns, weighs,what they wear,if their interests are different from our own, where they worship,what race they are, their gender affiliation,where they live, or how much they have in their wallet or purse. We need to be protective of both ourselves as well as our own communities through both common sense, as well as,looking for and finding fact. It is rare to find truth from gossip,jealously,those who hold a grudge or seek revenge or chronic liars. It is that simple!

We all should strive for living the best life we can live, by taking ownership of our own behavior,responsibility,judgments, and truths. We parents do need to take responsibility for those entrusted into our care, who are under 18. Our job as parents does not end until they are mature enough to leave home. We can not tell them,” to do as we say and not as we do,” since all children watch before they listen.

The example we set them in our speech,behavior and action or lack of it, will always be the strongest teacher for their lifetime.A simple example of what I am talking about is:Ambition does not come from watching people who have little to none, complain about working too hard. Laziness shows its own lack of purpose. It does us all well to understand that all teenagers still need guidance and we are the parents.

When we get that part of their life right, many will ask for our help later. Other times, too many parents fail to realize that it is when we do raise them to be independent,self-sufficient, and responsible for their own needs they will not need to ask for our advice. It does us all well to remember this, so our own feelings do not get bruised, when they do fail to ask for our help. Too many times families find themselves upset over what should be taken as a compliment to our own parenting skills. We need to know the difference between giving aid because we wish to, as versus our own need to manipulate or to control their lives. It is always easier knowing we did not rear adult children, who place demands on us or try to guilt us into feeling needed, so that we assume their responsibility.

We also need to be honest with ourselves when the care of our child requires more than what we can give them and seek help from those trained to help. We neither do ourselves a favor nor them a favor when we both end up dependent on welfare and bitter. Adults and children alike learn through their own failures and successes in life. We can only learn through the earlier character building years of their life, to what extent they do require help by being honest with both them and ourselves, as to how well we did prepare them to succeed. We should not have to pass laws to make parents, parent.

We all have the duty as well as the right to make life count as nothing will ever be that important in our or their lives,again. We need to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes and accept the reasoning behind why we did what we did in order for us to be able to forgive ourselves.Joy of life comes from being able to look our, own selves, in a mirror knowing we did give life and mankind our best and in being the one person we would most want to spend our time with. Everyone else who loves us for being who we are, the way we are, is just more frosting on the cake. When we have the peace and comfort of mind, knowing we have both learned the importance of good behavior, as well as, taught it to others,through our own actions, then we will all find our own joy and peace of mind. It is that simple!

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Part 2-Shame-The Equalizer-The Destruction

Part 4 on the series of 5 posts

If you read my other 3 posts in this series, then you know I mentioned the serious mental disorders that lead to serial rape and murder. I also told you that we already have a law on the books that would allow us to treat addictions and remove a gun or knife from all minors in place, without anyone yelling,”Unconstitutional.” It is called” Reckless endangerment of a minor by an adult”. Once the law is enforced, parents,guardians, or adult buyers or pushers could be held or fined, while children received treatment for carrying a gun or knife,inebriation, or use of illegal substance that cause mental health issues to worsen, if left untreated or unenforced.

They would not have to nor would we want them to invade our privacy or business but arrests made on the streets would cut crime even more. Since the other 3 posts in this series, are more on what shame and lies are doing to our Country than on the specific diseases, I would like to go more into detail here on what we as a Nation already know about psychopaths and anti-social disorders.

Psychopaths and sociopaths (better known as anti-social personality disorder today, and are estimated to make up 4% of our Nation’s population) are a combination of mental disorders as versus just a single disorder. When America became disturbed in 1999 about the teenage shootings, Congress funded an extensive study on video games, the lack of prayer in school, working mothers, violent movies, and poor parenting as possible scapegoats for blame, as to the violence in our youth. They even canceled,” Buffy the Vampire Slayer” incase the show was leading the young people to kill.

It has become fodder for the Religious and Conservative Right to blame working mothers for years. If anything conclusive came out of it, I do not recall that it was announced. I do know that it couldn’t have found much in that regards, because the Religious and Conservative Right have said for years that single and working mothers are the cause for all social ills in America, and if they found anything significant we can all bet the media would have flooded us with the results if they found anything conclusive.We do know all other studies on working Mothers as versus stay-at-home Moms show there is no difference in the success or fail rate of children, except Mothers who do work out of the home do show that they are more satisfied and the children are better socially adapted.

This is the good news, Science does know; These disorders are possible to diagnose in children as young as 3 and 4 years of age and possibly even in the embryo in the womb, because there has been enough biological information found. For instance we know they have a lower serotonin level in the brain. If we treat children before the age of 14 then we have a possibility of a cure. These pathologies or disorders are readilly diagnosible by Forensic Psychiatrists and regular Psychiatrists. There have been smaller studies done that show head injuries during childhood may play a bigger role than some thought. That would explain why income or gender does not matter with these disorders.

If we experience aggression or violence in our children and they are bullying others as well as, are discipline problems,and appear to be play acting through life, instead of showing any real emotions, and have the following symptoms then it is in our best interests, as well as theirs, to not to try to diagnose them ourselves or have the school counselor do so, but to be referred to a Psychiatrist or Forensic Pyschiatrist to have our children checked out.This then are the symptoms:

Emotional/Interpersonal
1.glib and superficial–they are not really serious about anything
2.egocentric and grandiose
3.lack of guilt or remorse
4.lack of empathy when someone else or a pet is hurt
5. they lie and manipulate people into what they want but will not do themselves
6.Shallow fake emotions

Social Deviance
1. impulsive
2. poor behavior control
3. need for excitement–as in carnival rides or adrenaline rushes
4. lack of responsibility
5. early behavior problems
6. adult anti-social behavior–they are very charming and have groups to entertain but do not get really emotionally close to anyone. Lying and bragging also is symptomatic. It is all about them and being the center of attention. They trade friends or are left by groups faster than most people change light bulbs.

I repeat: Please do not use this list to try to diagnose yourself. As many of these are also symptomatic of other psychotic diseases and if treated wrongly can be a disaster. It requires the specialties mentioned above along with blood workups and other screenings. Since the earlier it is caught the earlier it is possible to treat and give our child a normal life, to delay or go into denial is just too sad for the entire human race. Too many family Doctors will brush us aside as over concerned mothers, so do not hesitate to find another if that is the case. One of the worse problems we have with mental illness is the denial of parents and their refusal to get help. Mothers,especially, do know when something is not quite right with their child.

We know by 15 the results of it ever being treated is next to nil. Adults with aggression and violence who are psychopaths or have anti-social disorder are not all serial rapists and murderers but all serial rapists and murderers do suffer from these disorders.

We know once a child is 14 criminal activity does start showing up and counseling does not work as another symptom of the disease is complete and utter denial and delusion. Counselling does not work as they are not able to feel shame,remorse or empathy for others. In their minds they are the intelligent ones and everyone else is stupid and nuts. Rarely will many finish school or get jobs that last. Drugs and alcohol becomes a large part of their life, which only increases the effects of the disorder. The only way Society will ever be safe from those who have the criminal element of the disorder, is to shut them up for life so that Society remains safe.

We know that they come from every social-economic level and that poverty is not responsible. There is a genectic factor. We know when they come from homes with abuse in them, their offenses are more severe than in homes where they were loved and treated well. It effects both boys and girls, men and women. Parenting is not the total blame but poor parenting does play a role. In other words, if they are raised in homes where anger is shown and expressed through fists and beatings to both them and a parent there will be more savagery committed during their crimes.

We as a Society need to be working together to get rid of the stigmatism that is stuck to mental illness. We need to quit saying we are going to do something about it and then do nothing. We have a moral obligation to express the honesty and heart break of what mental illness does do to families and then treat it.

How can we call ourselves Christian and deny that mental illness is an affliction and illness of the mind that no one ask for or deserves. There is not a family in America that has not been afflicted with it and we still act as though it is a shame to acknowledge that truth. Its’ effects on families are ripping families apart and yet as a Nation, we deny that it is a real disease no different from that of cancer. The denial, itself is symptomatic of the effects of the disease. We are so hard on people who suffer from its destructive effects that some children would rather be drug addicts than be diagnosed of mental illness, not even realizing that drug and alcohol use can also be a form of psychosis. Children need to be treated and the disorders recognized when they are younger.

As a Society,parents, schools,churches,Doctors,business men,policemen,judges,politicians,lawyers,social services all need to be made aware of the fact that boys especially, are not just being boys or girls are not just taking after their Mothers. Many times. “we hear other women say that another woman is a bitch but her daughter is going to pay her back when she gets older,” without realizing that there may be more truth to that, than they realize. Too many adults are just passing the behavior off without realizing that these children are in serious need of all of us becoming adults and hearing their cries for help.

By the time law enforcement or the Courts are dealing with them, it is already too late for them to be able to help them or Society, either one. Unless Religion and Science work together for a solution, we will never be able to find our children the help they need. With 20 States putting them to death we should all be abhorred by the shame of it all.We owe our Nation’s children a whole lot more than that! A Nation is only as strong as the way it shows compassion to it’s most vulnerable who live amongst us.

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