Do Women Make Men Lazy?

In my estimation yes, some do. It begins with young boys being babied by their mother’s way beyond the time that they should be doing for themselves. Many times it gets back to the stereo-typical nonsense of what is women’s work and what is men’s work. It stands to reason if the only thing that is considered men’s work in a home requires heavy moving or lifting that young boys are incapable of doing at an early age then boys will be much older than girls are before they start pitching in with household responsibilities. If they are not expected to clean their rooms, bake cookies or cake, dust or vacuum a house, do dishes, mow the lawn,babysit or do their laundry then they will be much too old before they are called on to handle any responsibility at all. Do not mistake activities like boy scouts, t-ball,play acting or soccer for responsibility or work. They are what they say they are in that they are activities.

Drive and motivation are taught they are not something that we are naturally born with. Boys are also much older than girls when they learn how to balance responsiblity with play time/activities. If the family owns a business or they grow up on a farm or ranch where responsibility begins at an early age then boys sometimes will be as motivated and driven at the same rate that girls are. When we ask nothing of our boys we spoil them sometimes for a lifetime.

There are a lot of people on the political right that feel that the equal rights amendment should be repealed as it is unfair to young white males but what they are failing to see is the lack of motivation and maturity that is missing in some of them today. This is not something new as for generations the males of the families have always been spoiled when it comes to household duties. Although it has been more of a societal thing than to blame it on women entirely, there certainly is no reason for it to continue today.Both minorities and women in my estimation would be hired over these men even without an equal opportunity act, simply because both are more motivated and grateful to accept entry-level and to work their way up with less pay, even with their college degrees. For years white males were the only ones with the college degrees, so these jobs went to them automatically and now they have to compete. Although they say it is unfair the real question really is where is their ambition and drive? They no longer can demand the high starting salaries and begin in middle management. As a result we do tend to see a higher unemployment rate in this area. Women going home to raise the children so these white males can have the jobs women are currently holding , as the right-wing would wish and is working towards changing the constitution on, will not solve the problem if they are too immature or lazy to put in the hours it takes and accept entry-level with less pay.

Men are born of a woman, raised by a woman, and marry a woman in our stereo-typical society so to deny the fact that women make men lazy would be to deny that the sun rises or there are no lazy men. Men get sick of women nagging them but in truth if they were taught that they are as responsible as girls are to maintain their own living space, do their laundry and help out in the kitchen women would not have to nag them. They would,just like women do, see a need and get up off the lazy boy and take care of it. This is not to suggest that there are not plenty of lazy women as well. Many girls are never taught to be self-sufficient at home either and they do grow up with the exact same lack of motivation and drive. It is always a mistake not to teach children responsibility to take care of their own needs from rising on their own at a reasonable hour of the morning to balancing a check book before they leave home at 18. The great majority of us should know and understand that but if the problem is that there is no drive or motivation in the mother or she has discovered it is easier to do it herself than to take the time to teach the child then wives and sometimes husbands will have to pay the consequence for it at a later date.

Too many times, as I wrote in my post yesterday, women will try to separate fathers from their children and then complain that the man in her life does not help out more with the children. If every attempt a man makes to father his children is met with the disapproval of his wife then many times he will just give up and let her do the job. This also applies to helping out in the kitchen, doing house work or laundry or balancing the check book. If each time he attempts to do something he is met with “You never do it right” then women can be certain that they will not do it, period. These are not the men I refer to as most of them do not start out lazy although this definitely is another way that women do make men lazy.

The men that I am talking about being lazy are the men that will deliberately claim to not be able to do something when in truth it is a job he could quite easily do and do well but simply does not like doing so claims incompetency. Also the men that were told as little boys it was women’s work but now that they are grown men they have no real excuse to not know that it is their job as well beyond the fact they are simply too lazy and do not even offer help and in both these cases it is no longer the blame of a woman but their own.

Since some girls learn to do housework which isn’t always pleasant and the fact that you take college courses that you do not like taking, they learn early that on a job things will be expected of them that they do not enjoy doing, and already have found that to be true throughout their life and are prepared to do so. They learn early training for the job that they will diligently work later in life.Also the men that truly do not have a clue and refuse to learn anyway as they grew up with the attitude that they were somehow privileged or exempt from doing it and feel it was not their place to do or learn. As a result when or if they do get and take the entry-level job later with less pay their attitude when required to do what they feel is beneath them comes out in a hurry, Employers do not have time to babysit and today a person has to be prepared to learn on their own and accept what ever the situation might hand them.They mooched off Mom and Dad past their teens and beyond because every job was somehow or some way beneath their great talent or education.

A motivated or driven man and woman do not wait to be told or taught how to do anything and this is what today’s companies are not only looking for but demanding of their employees. Most of them are self-taught through trial and error. They watched their parents fix broken objects rather than throw them out and they take the same principle to heart when they have their own homes or work on the job. What they can not learn on their own they will read and educate themselves on. Even on weekends they are up as early as they are during weekdays, Most get up with an enthusiasm to start the day and get something done or accomplished. These men are nemesis of the lazy man and most of them as well are white males that were willing to begin at entry-level as well. I am not trying to say that all white males are lazy because they are not. In this post though I do concentrate on the lazy white male since it is the title of my post.

If a son grew up only hearing bitching because their mother has to always do everything and a father is off doing a job that he knows nothing about beyond the father comes home and is waited on then he will also grow up with the principle that girls and women work and men lounge in lazy boys. The same is true on the other hand with girls and their mothers. If the mother spends a great deal of her time watching mom talk on the phone, shopping and napping and then Dad comes home to cook dinner and listen to how hard the mother claims she has been working all day, the girl will grow up thinking men work and women are waited on. Either way neither parent or child wins. It is what children see at home that they live out in adulthood.

There is a great deal of hope for both these men and women that were not taught self-sufficiency at an earlier age if they are attending school or making advances on a job or working towards owning their own shops at the time we meet them. If we marry and love them, are patient with them, establish goals to reach together by both working towards the same goal and we do not have parent interference where Dad is fixing and Mom is cleaning then laziness does not have to be nor is it a permanent condition. Many times with encouragement these same people can and will end up being CEO’s of major Companies and even Doctors. The age we get them and the motivation of the parent when they grow up and acknowledges the hours that went into the parent’s jobs that they did not see when they were young, sometimes is all they need. After all, behind every successful man is a woman. To change the constitution for the often inept and the always entitled white male(in their minds only) ,amongst us, in order to replace highly qualified minorities and women is just another insane attempt trying to find weight in the political agenda of the right-wing movement today,

When these adult children have no work history, are not a full-time student, or self motivated in any way when we are meeting them for the first time, the likelihood they ever will have ambition or motivation is fairly close to nil. Especially be aware of the adult that is living at home with mom and dad, getting their laundry done, and meals cooked and every job is just not right for them but they are looking. At the same token to what degree of a mooch they are past their teen years is good to look at as if they’re not working they are then mooching. We as a Nation seem to be using blinders to the degree in which the white middle class is being hit with the problem of drug use. It appears to begin with the abuse of prescription drugs taken from family medicine cabinets and then goes to the streets as well as the increase due to manufactured meth in our own borders. Some families get tired of them so they move on to mooch off of friends and other family members and more than likely will also clam onto you for a lifetime of financial support if you allow it to happen.

As the great majority of us know and understand, throughout history, not all men have supported their families. Many mothers, even in homes where divorce does not happen, have over the centuries been the bread-winner of the family. I know beginning with my husband’s and my generation and going back two more to the late 1800′s in both our families 1 out of every 3 families, even when white males were the only ones that were educated and before the invent of today’s birth control, women were the bread winners of the family. That was and has been true whether the couples have remained married or divorced. I would not be surprised if the National average would show the same results or greater. It would be wise for mothers of sons that are being babied into their adult years and the right-wing to understand that as well.

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X-Nay On “The Good Wife” Books And Program

The mere fact that I am writing this will keep me shuffled off with the family announcements or worthless diatribe forever by word-press but in the early automated shuffle by word-press my last post on “Good Marriages That Last and Why” one of the picks were “The Good Wife.” That is why I see so much humor in life because if I have ever heard of a more pathetic program that got started to combat feminism, it has been that one. To get sorted out with it to me is hilarious!

An off shoot of the Baptist Church in Texas started this program as I said to combat feminism I believe in the 70′s and women still gather today to scrap-book and to learn “How to be a Good Wife.” To my knowledge it has now circulated world-wide. In my estimation it is one of the most degrading programs that I have yet to run across.Although there are many more almost identical to it in many of the other Churches. Not only are they an insult to women all over the world they also are to men.

It starts out with the belief that all women are born with innate properties and this program is only offered to enhance those properties. All wives are to bathe, put on their make-up, make sure their hair is well coiffed daily with the children occupied else where when hubby comes home. The wives are to greet their husbands at the door with a smile on their face and the pretense of having a perfect day. She is not to suggest or even hint about any kind of stress with the kids or with anything at all. He is to be allowed time and space from his children to just relax and wear off a stressful day. The meal is supposed to be cooking with good smells in the house. His favorite meals of course. To do so is to be a perfect wife.

Now for the reasoning of all this tripe. A wife has to look good and smell good after all her husband has been working all day around women that are so attired. The reasoning being that men are too irresponsible or trustworthy to keep their zippers up and the temptation too great for the poor helpless male gender to be able to fight off the temptation of putting his hands all over the women of the workforce if he comes home to a wife that is frazzled in her sweats from settling kids’ arguments, running errands, picking up and dropping off kids–well you get the message. Women are supposed to pretend that they are so delighted to be a phony since in return of doing so he makes the living. Instead of keeping their marriages real and sharing the truth of their day with their husbands it is preferable to lie to them as if the truth somehow would poison their marriages. Then it goes on to suggest that if we do not look our best not only will this poor helpless human not be able to restrain himself but he is such a louse that when he does get home he does not want to see anything but a happy wife and also wants to reject his own children outright. In other words, let this superior being have 20 minutes or so to pretend that he is both single and child-less.

Then the reasoning goes on to state that if the man of the house gets this time to relax and smells these good smells cooking he is going to be more inclined to want to help with the dishes and bathing of the children. Of course women would be totally out-of-place to suggest or heaven help her to imply that both might be his job anyway. Without a doubt meeting your husband at the door in your sweats and handing off a child with a dirty diaper while you grabbed the car keys to get away for a few minutes to regain your own sanity would definitely be grounds for accusing you of being a pathetic wife if it did not make them faint straight away to even think such a thought. The whole program follows this whole inane argument and I cannot believe the number of young women that actually show up at the homes of these older women to learn these so-called “Donna Reed” programs that never existed any where in reality other than on television.

At this point I think I have said enough on just how strongly I abhor this teaching of making young women subservient to their husbands and turning men into total stupid and helpless creatures. Over the years I have known men to be just as good nurturers as women. They look forward to the end of the day and getting home to spend time with their kids and many will even sell their homes just to shorten their commute so that they can spend more time with their children. Sorry girlfriend, but many of them can out cook us in a heartbeat and have the patience to spend time on the floor playing with the children at a time when we only want a hot bath. More times than not the kids are delighted and over joyed when Dad pulls into the drive way just as he is to see them. I remember 60 years ago getting so excited when my dad came home as he always brought home candy bars and that was long before the time that men took a more active role in child rearing as they do today.

Most men, who are not shallow to begin with, will tell their wives they prefer the way they look without their make-up on and they would prefer it if they did not wear make-up or would tone it down. A good father, which many men are will hand their wife the car keys and say”here Honey take a break and go somewhere I will watch the kids and start dinner while you get a break.”Honorable men do not need to be enticed,entrapped and be treated like mindless imbeciles to treat their wives kindly. To suggest game playing at all on any level in a marriage is one of the first things that will undermine a marriage. Just as women do not like men pulling con jobs on them, men do not like women playing games.

Clearly a woman had to come up with the idea of “The good Wife” and the fact that it got started in Texas where beauty pageants and cheerleading is a must do for any popular young woman somehow does not surprise me. My apology to all the down to earth people of Texas but surely you must understand when I say shallowness does exist as much in Texas as it does in Hollywood. Most decent men, when they get ready to settle down, want to be able to find a mother for his children and a wife for himself that compliments him both intellectually and in his belief system as well as share her’s. He abhors the idea of being treated as a superior with his wife being treated as a second class citizen. He wants love and respect as much as a woman wants the same, but certainly not to the exclusion of his wife. I realize that there are and always will be red necks that feel men are superior and do not want a wife that they think is smarter than they are as well as shallow men that want “arm candy”but thank God the world is not filled with them. If that is all you think is out there then you need to be widening your search, ladies.

Women if you want your marriages to succeed then read my previous post. Men that we are interested in fathering our children or just being with want the same thing we women want. They have control over their libido and to suggest otherwise makes them no further advanced than the ape. The statistics show that more women cheat than at any other time in history or perhaps it is more acknowledged than it has been in the past. Not all men are dirt bags. Many have a moral code that would never permit them to cheat anymore than the moral code of some women would never allow them to cheat. Just as men can be adulterers so can and are many women adulteresses. Doesn’t our common sense tell us that the majority of affairs that men have require the participation of a woman? Men want a wife that is honest, real, and trustworthy just as a woman wants a man who owns these same qualities. These crazy gender ideas or stereo-types have been so promoted over the years that even when fathers should clearly get custody of the children they are losing out not only to wives doing drugs and are alcoholics but also to grandparents. This constant labeling of the sexes can be and sometimes is just as destructive to an honorable man as it has been for generations against women.

I have always maintained and still do that the thing that will destroy religion is religion. It will never be the government. This movement to keep gays from their constitutional rights is just another precursor into the steps that have been taken to keep the division between the genders, in my estimation. This program along with the many other similar programs are a total insult to both the well-being of men as it is to women. It’s main purpose along with the others out there is to make sure it keeps women subservient and in doing so it also keeps the ideal afloat that all men will cheat because they cannot help themselves. Exactly who that helps, I’m not sure, but it does nothing towards promoting a good, strong and healthy marriage.

Sadly one of the shakers and movers in Austin,Texas in its beginning days of “The Good Wife” program was found murdered by her husband. I will not conclude it was because of the program but then on the other hand it obviously didn’t make for a good marriage. Keep it real folks, keep it real!

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Good Marriages That Last And Why?

If you were expecting me to write about a good marriage being about the husband bringing home flowers and bubble bath and being greeted at the door with the wife in a sexy outfit and looking like a million dollars then I am sorry as I am going to disappoint you. If people expect that in a marriage then perhaps the mistake is that they got married in the first place. Perhaps they should have continued dating. However if that is the couple’s idea of a perfect marriage then by all means, go for it. I think many of us will be amused to see how long it last before that too reaches a level of monotony. The facts are marriages spread over a life time will have moments of boredom with each other, arguing, and sometimes not look real pretty to other people looking in on it.

A good marriage that last is a marriage where the couple determine the ground rules for themselves. What makes each of them feel validated. As terrible as the marriages I wrote about yesterday sound to most of us they may be the marriage of choice that has been established by the couple. Some marriages work on “the don’t ask don’t tell” aspect of their marriage. One that comes to mind but none of us know it for sure perhaps is the Hiliary and Bill Clinton marriage. Perhaps there was an understanding if you get caught lie about it as long as I don’t know about it we will be o.k.? I’m certainly not starting a rumor here but only using it as the reason the couple I wrote about yesterday that live together in silence next to each other appear to be shocked when we ask them if they are o.k.?

People grow up sometimes feeling more comfortable in a dysfunctional setting than they do a healthy setting. Lets face it where are Bill and Hiliary Clinton going to find a mate who is more compatible to them when it comes to intelligence, competency, shared interests in both humanity and world affairs, that high of an energy level and mutual goals? Perhaps those are higher priorities in their marriage whereas monogamy is a higher importance to others. The other option would be that they have a higher tolerance level for mistakes and forgiveness. Marriages are made up of many avenues and not always just about the bedroom and the womb. Sometimes we lose out on way too much in life when all we expect from marriage is romance. It is a very high level of energy to maintain over a lifetime. Sometimes we need the support and understanding of our best friend sharing our lives with us in our homes and that sometimes looks like very different things to different people.

Some people deal in total awareness that marriages will not always last with the fervor they start out with. Not all people want the honeymoon stage to last forever. It becomes too high energy and too difficult to pull off 24/7 for most people. The couple themselves will settle into the marriage that works for them and they are comfortable with. People that communicate their wants and needs and argue sometimes will almost certainly maintain their marriages as long as one of them is not looking at fantasy or love being play acted from a movie or soap box as being reality.

People make mistakes, they are going to disappoint us and even hurt us sometimes. The important thing is going into marriages with our eyes wide open and still being objective enough to know that good marriages do not just happen. They take work, mutual respect and validation from each other. What that looks like for some will look totally different to others.

Most marriages end when family,friends, or outsiders are brought in by the couple themselves because daughter complains to mother or son complains to father. Sometimes the parents themselves see something they do not like and they interfere. I think every in-law and parent that are honest with themselves have at one point or time opened their mouth and had regrets later. People do not come with a manual nor do any of us know what life’s steps are until we live them. Most go down the wedding aisle with more knowledge on romance,sex, or lust than they have on love. Finally then a good marriage that last and the reason why it does is the couple themselves decide what they are comfortable with and are determined to make it work. Too many couples go into marriages with what the wedding is going to look like rather than laying down the ground rules of what their marriage will look like. Love isn’t something that simply dies instead it grows and gets stronger.

Will they have children? If so how many? Will they divide up the chores or responsibilities? do they make promises and then keep them? Who will get the cat or dog if they discover they are impossible to get along with and are unhappy living together? Will they tolerate abuse or adultery? Has it happened prior to marriage. What did it make you feel like? Do you want to live with that the rest of your life because the best determining factor of it happening again is the fact that it happened at all. People change and marriages change over time. Not always in the direction that we want them to so it is important that we never forget the significance of our marriage vows and their meaning. Don’t make or take vows that you cannot keep.

I cannot express it enough that we do need to take a good look at what is considered acceptable behavior in the marriages of the parents of the person that we are planning on marrying. The family cultural differences can show up and play a greater role later than what we think it will today. Is there any part of it that we want in our own marriages? Also that we do not own each other nor do we own our children, Both need the freedom that it takes to find their own path even when it may be disappointing to us. Although marriage is working for a common goal between two people it also has two separate and distinct people working together for that goal. Do they lie? Do they truly believe in anything or anyone or do they only agree with or parrot our beliefs?

Never make the mistake to assume that if you want something,no matter how large or small that may be that your future mate will want it too. If we truly love each other and play by the ground rules we establish then thousands and thousands if not millions and millions of us will die in the satisfaction of having known that we had a good marriage.

Marriages only fail when we meet that unfortunate person that lacks character, maturity, or hasn’t a clue of the value of a vow and that people do not march to the husbands’ or wives’ orders or expectations.In short, everything about them is lacking of both character and honor and they neither earn or deserve the privilege of being in our marriage or for that matter,our life. If there are children they do have a right to continue being their parent and to with hold that right only makes you as bad as the bum you just kicked out or left you because they were not capable of honoring their own word. On the other hand if it was/ is you who destroyed the marriage be honest enough to acknowlege it to your self without passing blame on to the innocent. Do not stoop to the level of lies,excuses and denial as all children deserve at least one honorable parent. Most marriages may not meet with our approval but it isn’t our job to determine that either. We are only responsible for our own behavior in our own marriages. Make it count!

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Are there Couples That Stay Together Out Of Hate?

Sometimes we wonder why some marriages last when we see how strange of relationship they have. Men spend time bitching about the old lady and some women that we know will never quit complaining about the man they are married to. It is impossible to have a conversation with these people without hearing about a problem with their mate.

It goes something like this:
How are you George?
I could be better, my old lady won’t give me a minutes peace!
How are You doing, Sally?
Are you kidding living with that worthless bastard I’m married to, how do you think I’m doing?
The odd thing about it ,when one of them get deathly sick or die they fall apart and never really quite recover from the loss of it.

I know there are couples that only remain together in name only and stay together because of their religious beliefs. These couples genuinely appear to hate each other. If they cannot divorce for fear of going to hell then they are going to make sure that their mates go through hell while here on earth.

They’re also the couples that stay together because “by God she is not going to get everything that I worked my butt off for, while she sit on her butt talking up her lady friends”. Or ” If he thinks he is going to get rid of me that easy after my spending years washing his dirty underwear and feeding his fat face, then he has another think coming.” It becomes some kind of a game for these couples that find it necessary to belittle and dehumanize each other all their married life.

I personally do not get it but it is almost a contest or their reason for getting up in the morning. In some ways it is the driving force that keeps them both going. They are waiting for the other one to die so they can dance on their grave and often say that or worse.

As difficult as it is to wonder why this couple stays together it is even more difficult to understand why the couple that has been suffering a 30 year pout stay together. They’re couples that will watch the same t.v. show on two different television sets in the next rooms from each other. They get up fix their own coffee or breakfast, leave the house and spend the day doing what ever it is that they are doing because they never communicate where they are going or what they are doing to each other.

They have been retired for 10 years since they were forced into early retirement in their 50′s, so she assumes he has a love interest and he assumes that she has one. As long as they never know for sure they are not going to ask and Lord help the person that does try to tell them the truth. When it comes time to making a major purchase they may discuss the finances otherwise they live along side of each other in silence. Usually she lives in her room upstairs and he downstairs or visa versa.

When we ask them if they are upset with each other usually the response on their part is one of disbelief because we would ask them such a question and the response is,”No. He just has his things to do that he likes to do and I have the things that I like to do.”

The other couple is the ones that are lovey-dovey when out in public that make everyone else jealous because they are always holding hands or on the dance floor dancing and would never be seen out of the company of each other. The spite and anger in these two people towards each other in their homes runs so deep that even their children refuse to visit them.

They each have an extra affair going on the side and they both know it and make no bones about what each are up to. They always leave town to have an affair as they are usually professional people, politically employed,own a business or hold a high rank in their churches where image is very important to their financial success.

I can’t believe that I almost forgot the couple that drinks too much or are hyped up on prescription drugs to the point they are abusing them and will fight so loud that neighbors pull up their chairs to listen to the arguments, on their own front porches two blocks down.

These are not the batterers but perhaps were when they were younger. They make their 911 calls to the cops over something as ridiculous as to who gets the remote control or who had it last. If we were not related to them and it was not such a sad way to live we could find humor in the silliness of it all.

They are not to be confused with the closet drunks that have their 2 or 3 night martinis in their basements or family room but refuse all alcohol other than the one or two limit social drink while in public. They drink silently together or are in the habit of out insulting each other with their smart-aleck remarks.This couple either stumbles off to bed or their children cover them with a blanket on the sofa if they pass out and shut off the lights.

I really have no answers for this behavior, beyond dysfunctional, but I offer it as a possible explanation as to why the people that we date do not get a clue when we tell them that the relationship is over. If we grew up in these homes wouldn’t we all have a problem with knowing what rejection looks like or how serious it should be taken?

I offer it as a possible explanation and certainly not as an excuse because we all need to empower ourselves with what it is that we will accept and what it is that we will refuse regardless of the situation. I for one believe that it is the nature of too many of my gender to discount and look past too many things while dating and then when they marry these men they spend the rest of their lives degrading the relationship as well.

It is always healthy, whether we are male or female, to take a good long look first, at what is considered normal in the family that we are going to marry into. We may think”oh well, I got the good one out of the bunch even she/he laugh about how weird their family is” but the truth is some of these things that hubby or wifey are now laughing at will become part of your own marriage as well. It is true that we marry the man or the woman and not the family but people in love and dating are all together different from people who marry.

We all change as we age and the greatest change of all, in my experience, may happen or I should say the greatest reversal back to the oddness in the family happens usually when you and your husband have plans for your children and they grow up and disappoint you. All of a sudden then, it is not all that unusual that couples will look back and say “well maybe Mom and Dad knew more than I thought they did” and then the weirdness becomes very real again, because

Mom and Dad are usually passed on and placed on a pedestal. Because no one sees themselves as the same failure they may see their children as then the strangeness gets repeated. The difference is the parents are gone and the two of you very well may be living the marriage you use to tell each other”that you hoped you were dead before you ever lived that way.”. There is a reason that it pays to be more mature and not to rush into marriage when we do pick our life time mates. If anyone ever tells you that marriage is easy then you my dear, are looking at a person knee-high,at least, in denial.
(please note–coming next,” Good Marriages that Last and Why?”)

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“I Don’t Hate YOU! I Loathe You!

It’s amazing to most of us how people can hear those words or similar words and still hang on to hope. I can not express it enough to all of you that read this–IT”S OVER! do not try to talk yourself into the old standby that there is a thin line between hate and love so as long as they hate you then they still have some feeling for you. It’s done,finished, over and please get the message. They are never going to come to their senses on your terms as they are not you.

Stalking them beating up their new love interest sending threatening messages or messages of endearment will not resurrect the relationship. There is not an apology or a gift that will change your chances of winning them back. Clearly they are sick of you. Now is a good time to ask yourself how you could have misjudged the relationship so badly. It is not going to make you feel better to get revenge or to retaliate. More than likely you will do jail time and I can’t imagine a soul that will ever want to date you once the word gets out that you are unstable. I don’t care where you live sooner or later the word will get out and you will be exposed as a real nut case. They are getting on with their lives and it is time that you do the same.

In writing this, I am well aware that the extreme people who need to hear this will not. If I can reach the borderline between you then I can offer hope. In every 5 people in America over the age of 25 there are 4 people who have met the person that they felt was perfect for them. Instead the relationship ended in broken or imagined promises,failed dreams.heartache,and assumptions that we made but in many cases they did or did not agree to. For some of us it is the worse emotional pain that we have suffered to date and the sooner we deal with the pain through professional guidance the better our recovery will be.

If we can not afford it counseling is offered free in every county through Human Health Services or there are a ton of books on the subject in our libraries, for those that can apply information to their own situation. We break up, we grieve, we swear off of all men or women and just when we are certain that we will live life single we meet the person that truly was meant for us.

That is if we have not behaved like some kind of possessive or controlling nut case in our past relationships. If you have so little faith in your own ability to both attract and keep a mate that you have to suffocate them by controlling them then expect none of your relationships to ever work out. The only difference between a control freak and bully is to the level that we end up loathing them. There might be a few teenage relationships that begin with “Oh we love each other so much that we cannot stand to be apart” but for those of us that mature that wears a thin line quick. Men need time bonding in male relationships just as women do in women relationships.

Now that you are no longer a couple it is an excellent time to get the professional help that you need to determine what you did wrong and why you felt it necessary to stay until the relationship reached that point. People do not just wake up one day and despise us. No matter how good we think we were to them we did something to help create those strong feelings against us. We may have picked someone who was only out to use us, someone who made it clear they did not want attachments, someone who is married and has no scruples or we met someone on the rebound themselves and they were not ready for the same level of intensity in a relationship as you were.

At any case we are as responsible for going into denial in regards to what we were told or for not wanting to believe them. We decided we could change their minds or that we would be the one that was different from all the others. Guess what? We weren’t. On some level we all play a role in the end of a relationship. As Mayou Angelo is quoted,”people will show you who they are and when they do believe them.”

If we are healthy, kind and capable of trust and understand the need for both genders to have an input into their own lives without smothering them or controlling them as well as understanding their right to make decisions then the person that we truly were meant to find is waiting for us. Do not screw things up so badly now that you never do end up with the person and character that you have been looking for all along.

Your life is not over, it is just beginning, as once you learn the lesson of this hardship you will be prepared to deal with the rest of life’s challenges and hold your head high when you do, if you do not screw it up now. Please do allow yourself a time to grieve your lost so that you do not carry it into the next relationship that was meant to last. They’re a ton of us that have walked in your shoes that are cheering you on. Don’t let us or yourself down. Your’s was no more special than what we thought our’s was so keep in mind that we are waiting for you to join us as we are having the time of our life, and just as you now feel, is the same way we felt. Do not miss this opportunity that awaits you and Good Luck!

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Unfortunate Personality Traits Found In Women

Men can have traits that we all find disgusting at times, as well, but for the most part a man will say what he means and let the cards fall where they do. The following are less than desirable traits found primarily in women who go right over the head of most men. It also explains why nice guys do sometimes marry real bitches and do not have a clue as to why other people see them differently from what he does. This is certainly not written to suggest that men are the superior gender but to remind women of the knowledge that we all already know about our gender. It is time and then some to join forces and stop the pettiness in our gender for the future of both our sons and daughters as well as, ourselves.

My list would not be complete without the “judgemental queens” so I will add them to the list, now. These women know one way and one way only to raise a child, entertain a child, and to feed a child. The same is true when it comes to the job, worshiping, or dressing. Just in general, the thought that they hold the knowledge for the way people should live their lives and if it is not passed down or gladly accepted then there is no hope for the woman who feels it is a stilted way of living and even subservient but most certainly subjective.

There is only one way to worship, to stay married and teach anyone that would listen. Once in a while they may make a concession and many times even women do not always know who these types of personalities belong to as they’re people they share their one-sided belief system with if they feel them worthy of their attention where others are not. They are not to be faulted so much as they should be pitied as they have been so brainwashed by their belief that to even vote opposite of the way that they have for 6 decades would certainly put them into a crises mode. They are a combination of the brainwashed and phony.

Men can be just as stubborn when they are caregivers, since they’re fewer of them, it is more attributed to women. Neither really know why it has to be done this way so this is what makes them both phony and brainwashed. Their parents did it this way so they do it this way.

Next comes the innuendo queens. These are women as a rule who would never be found in a one on one relationship with anyone other than their mother or sister. They need their group to operate with their little jokes that they honestly believe go right over the heads of others except their own group. For instance instead of using a phrase like, “a Hill billy” or “a country hick” or some other demeaning analogy about a person they will use a word that they think only they and their little group will pick up on and get a good laugh about later.The sorry thing about these people is they never know just how big of a fool they do look like to the rest of us. Most women have enough class not to draw attention to it and go on with their lives or conversation as though the “innuendo queen” did not open her mouth. Because of this they really do believe that they are more clever than everyone else and can be found in their 70′s still using silly little innuendoes as a form of humor.

We have the reverse of that in the “paranoia queens” who regardless of who we are talking about automatically think we are talking about them and using innuendo when it is the farthest thing from our minds. We can be talking about our own lives or people who we know and do not particularly care for and immediately they think that we are making some derogatory statement against them. It is not uncommon that they will get up and leave or make some nasty remark or even attack because they are that convinced that we are talking about them. Most of us are not even aware that we are talking about something that she can relate to while she is sitting there doing a slow boil. This is very common in both sexes but more so in the women, that as a rule, also have a drinking problem.

Then they’re what I like to refer to as the “smirk queens” they are the ones who turn to someone else in the group and smirk,raise their eyebrows, or nudge them when someone else is talking about something that she does not agree with or is over her head, as though the person speaking can not see her do it. They are also the ones who talk behind their hands if one member of the group gets up to leave and are totally unaware, many times, they are sitting in front of a mirror where everyone including the person leaving the table can see them . Usually the person that they turn to are made to feel miserably uncomfortable because they see the person that is being made fun of looking right at them and of course the person turning their heads to demean another person, obviously does not.

Next is the “queen of mean”. This personality trait does not open their mouth without saying something nasty about another person. They usually also are the office gossip,small town gossip or the gossip in almost any place that we gather. For some reason this woman always knows who puts whiskey in their morning cups of coffee, who sleeps in twin beds, who has more than a passing interest in another person’s wife, etc. None of the rest of us know it but for some reason they are the self-appointed expert in other people’s lives. Many times when other women repeat her gossip they will start the sentence with. “I don’t know how true this is as it comes from such and such” as if that excuses them from being just as much of a gossip. Gossips are in truth liars and have been known to destroy entire neighborhoods as well as keep a work force upset from the beginning to the end of the day. They are attention seekers because when they talk too many listen.

The “shallow queen” ranks in the same group of very close to the “queen of mean” and hands out compliments and then as soon as the person leaves the room makes a remark to the others that goes something like”My Lord where did she get that dress, Goodwill?” and then gets a good laugh at her own humor. For the most part we can also lump in the mean-spirited in this group of women. They are the type that would let someone bleed to death before calling 911, turn and look and laugh at someone, who shares their humor, in watching a physically challenged person struggle to walk, or let another person strain at doing her job for fear she might break a nail. All her conversations are shallow and based around appearance only. She is found often in malls and bankruptcy courts unless she can find a man or her family foolish enough to pay off her bills and then she will start all over, shopping again.

It would be remiss of be not to mention the “snob phobia queens”women who constantly talk about how they can not stand a snob when they, themselves, are the worse snob over anyone else in the room. They only think they hide it when in truth they usually have at least a couple of the other above personality traits as well.

This is the women I call the “queens of Denial.” For some reason these women think if they profess to say they hate snobs then people will believe that they are not a snob. The funny part about it is that these type of women are simply hiding an inferiority complex many times and most of us would have to ask,”what in the world does they have to be a snob about” in the first place, that they feel they need to disguise it? These women are rarely if ever anyone who an independent, nurturing woman with self-confidence and credibility would really choose as a friend anyway.

Truly they’re people who hate snobs but they are working in soup kitchens,or for others out of concern and more times than not do not have a clue as to what other’s would want them to wear but dress according to their own likes and treat people always as well as they treat themselves.

We add the “men hater queens” to our list and we find women who are fairly self-explanatory. Their fathers deserted them many times so all men will desert them. They suffered through a bad marriage when they had been warned by many before they married the jerk. Also they never do anything wrong and their husbands never do anything right, even when they do marry a nice guy. If their children fail then it is only because their fathers were too selfish to take an interest even though there is little or no truth to the statement. These women in some instances are even less interested in the well-being of women or much of anything that goes on in the world. Their children are their focal point of life.

I will leave the list at this as I have a darling little grandson I want to spend some time with. I personally feel that women were blessed with so much talent,strength, inner beauty, and true humility that it is sad that these above mentioned personality types in women all exist and the women do not find the fault in themselves.

These behaviors need to be acknowledged and treated as they do so much damage to what being a woman really is meant to be. The view towards the negative too often is heard when it comes to the positive of a woman being someone who truly does hold so much compassion and empathy for their own as well as mankind as a whole.

The negatives are the number one reason, many times, why women do not support women and yet ask any woman alive and they will all agree that they all know these women by name. Sadly there are thousands and thousands of different names in all our knowledge. They are that prevalent in our society and yet so many men are unaware of their existence and marry them anyway.

We women do know the difference and have for years so perhaps it is time that we acknowledge that it isn’t just men who are slow to grow up but we could afford to do a little ourselves, before we find out there was more damaging effects to the right-wing movements than what they brainwashed us into believing. Most important of all though, our common sense should dictate that our children deserve parents that behave as adults should.

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continued…The Other Side–Entitlement

If you read my post from yesterday, entitled. “The best Days of our Lives” then just add the person to it that feels entitled to share everything that we work for to it, and you will understand the other major reason as to why families,friends, and neighbors end up with all the negative emotions and misunderstandings that they do towards each other.

As long as we are meeting their approval by sharing our assets with them, whether it be time, skill or money, doing as we are told in the neighborhood,family, and friendship then most of us are A-o.k. in their books, if not great. It is when we need space for our own endeavors that the negatives start piling up and the excuses as well as the judgements usually start. The control freaks in our lives simply cannot handle the word “No”. We can also throw the manipulators, those with a superiority complex, and the narcissists in the mix along with the self-appointed.

Since I wrote about all the ways that we can improve our own lives without finding fault and blame in others in that post I will simply ask you to read it and replace it with the above behaviors in people. Too many of us spend way too many years in our youths trying to win approval through popularity and then only end up disillusioned as to why it does not work. (“the Best Days of our Lives” is listed on the side of this post if you cannot find it elsewhere)

Charity begins at home and we cannot ignore our own lives at the expense of others and then think we can find joy. I believe that all of us do have an obligation to help others as well, but when we do it to the point that we deny our own well-being it is time to go back and reflect on why we got in the place that we have in the first place. I assure you that most of the things that we do for others will never be regretted as long as we did them without expectations of rewards for ourselves.

It is a common thread that runs amongst most of us to do too much or not enough or to assume and end up with neighbor not waving, family not speaking and arguments following judgements. Most of the behavior really is quite petty and most of us can and will find the humor in it. Once we can appreciate our own faults in assuming too much. It really is true that to assume, “makes an ass- out of -u- and -me-.”

It will take the courage to take a good look at ourselves realistically and honestly and look at our own action, reaction, or behavior instead of finding fault in their’s.

It always does all of us well, to remember, that no one is ever entitled to anything, including adult children from some one else, unless we have made a vow to forsake all others as we do in marriage and give birth to minor children that are totally reliant on us for the success of their future salvation.

Parents, big brothers and big sisters lose all control or rights over a married couple regardless of who they may be and especially when they never ask so much as an hour of your time other than to make your trip pleasant or a nickel of your money once they do marry.

The Mom and Pop rules become nil and void. Except of course when you are a guest or living under their roof and of course they are still entitled to the ground rules in their homes. Even if siblings do borrow money or need help it still does not give parents, big brother, or big sister any rights over the spouse on any issues other than the loan.

At the same token anyone who does borrow money from a sibling should know and understand that along with asking for the loan will come advice and explanation when the answer is both yes and no, just the same as if they were a neighbor,friend or stranger.

To loan money to someone close to us is always a mistake. Unless there is a drug,spending, gambling addiction or alcohol problem it is better to give them the money to prevent hard feelings in the future.

If it is someone who has made accusations against us or sabotaged us in the past, then it is never a good idea, to give money much less loan it, as the feelings, are already raw against this individual and there will be family interference ,as a rule, regardless of the situation at hand. At the same token it is wrong to accept gifts from them.

Otherwise absolutely everything done by us or for us is completely in the hands of the person who is doing us the favor and if we are not that person then we are not entitled, owed, or do we have a right to expect anything from anyone beyond what they are willing in their generosity to do for us or give to us.

Family are no different from friends or neighbors in that they do not get to treat us like crap, exclude us when convenient and then turn around and ask us for our help. If they have not learned that they do not get “their cake and eat it too” and they or your parents have not taught them that reality then perhaps it is our moral obligation to teach them.

The same goes for parents who try to interfere in our marriages. Nothing is more sacred than the marriage vows themselves. If the only way family can respect each other is to put distance between them then by all means do. Staying together,discounting feelings, refusing group counseling, and arguing amongst each other many times causes more pain and solves less than putting time and distance between us will. It sometimes is best to just exchange best wishes at Christmas and birthdays rather than to constantly badger each other.

We would all hope that we would assume responsibility for the aged or sick family members amongst us but not all families can or do and that too, sadly, is a realization. We must all bear in mind that they’re always extenuating circumstances that has nothing to do with our sitting in judgement as to why it is the way it is.

Sometimes family members that need help will reject our help unless they can control or bully the help we give them and mistreat or verbally abuse us in the process. When that happens it makes it impossible then to help them.

Professional people are trained with the knowledge in how to deal with these type of personalities. Most of them will not tolerate such behavior nor should we think it our duty to do so as well. It may take an extended search on our part to find the facilities best equipped to deal with them.

When siblings refuse to listen or believe parents are not co-operating and blame the sibling instead, then the problem becomes compounded. We are to figure out our own purpose in life and to allow others the same freedom. Maturity is acknowledging and accepting the truth of that realization. Again I wish you all the Best!

(Please note–This is intended for anyone that comes from either an extended dysfunctional family, lives in a dysfunctional neighborhood or has dysfunctional friends, I have been blessed with my inner-circle of family, great neighbors and friends ( well with the exception of 2 in the friend dept.who maybe a little questionable but who I love anyway:) and most of us will have 2 hopefully that goes well if not all three. If you have all three that goes poorly, then you REALLY need to evaluate your own behavior:)

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The Best Years Of Our Lives

Looking back sometimes is the secret of today. I don’t understand people who advise us, “to never look back.” Was their life or they so terrible that they think yesterday will immediately cause distress? My experience is if we never look back then we never take advantage of the greatest teacher of all in life and that is “Hindsight.”

It is when we look back that we can both learn what we did wrong as well as how far we have come. When we all learn that the challenges of life are to learn from is when we appreciate more the direction that we have taken or if we need to take another direction. If we would all work through the pain when it hits then we would be able to look back with wisdom and not pain or guilt. Way too many people turn to alcohol,drugs or go into denial and stay there and only hurt themselves along with the innocent people in their lives, instead. I wish more people would get that.

People that accept generalities such as life sucks, you can never win, or what a loser or other such negatives probably had an experience where they refused to realize their own connection to why they are disappointed now. It truly is such a relief when we are able to “woman/man up” and say to ourselves, “Oh now I get it.” Every disappointment in our lives rises from the assumption that we all have and that is health problems, trouble,hurt, crime, death, and pain happens to other people,not us.

The arrogance of the thinking itself will lead us to more unanswered questions than the truth we will ever learn from it. It is true,”that bad things happen to good people” but it is also true that we create the majority of both our own troubles as well as our own happiness. No one wants to admit their own blame but everyone wants credit for their joy.

Would any of us be so hateful and bitter as to wish what we have been challenged with in life on someone other than ourself? Did it even occur to us to ask, “If not us then who?”Those of us with compassion and empathy for our fellow-man, I think,would agree that we would not wish our hardship on our worse enemy. We realize that hardships are as much a part of this world as the joy of a new-born child is a part of life. I would think that all of us understand that we will be tested on some level and according to how we deal with the tests of life is how we will gain our ultimate success,strengths as well as our legacy for the next generations. We learn very little in our lives when everything is working according to plan. The real lessons are learned through our hardships.

There has never been a person in life,short of those with the criminal or sick deluded mind, that set out to deliberately screw up our or their lives. The good news about that is we can make the choice to walk away from rather than associate with those that would set out to destroy us. No one forces any of us to deal with the people who would wish us harm other than ourselves.

As pathetic of a job that we feel some people,parents, as well as ourselves do in life,most of us that hurt others are acting out of delusion,instinct,fear, or learned behavior. In short we are all humans and as such all of us will and do make mistakes that the great majority of us would take back if we could. When we recognize then the error of our thinking and reaction to other’s delusions or misunderstandings is the day that we learn the value of both yesterday and today. It is when we can both forgive our enemies as well as ourselves, that we learn peace of mind. There really are not any excuses not to as we are the ones that will gain from it if we do.

I don’t get the fact that for many, a yearly trek to their highschool reunion is going to be the highlight of their year even when they are in their 50′s or 60′s. I don’t get people looking back on their childhoods as the best years of their lives. I don’t get people thinking their 20′s were their best years. I remember all those years as being years of awkwardness,confusion,fear,uncertainties and naivety. I often ask myself what happened to these people once they became responsible towards making their own decisions that they can only find happiness in their irresponsible and incompetent years? No matter how great and responsible we think we are in our youth we will never be as responsible and competent then as we become later.

I remember being told that I should enjoy my highschool years as, “they would be the best years of my life.” “Lordy” am I glad that proved to be some of the most off centered advice I ever got. I would have missed out on the joy of my marriage and reaching our goals together, the birth of my children and the pride that goes along with their being successful members of society, both the sweethearts and asses that I meant since, the challenges that I look back on and ask”How did I survive that one”, my own self worth, sense of accomplishment over my personal struggles, all the trips I would take, the jackpots on the slots that I won, both the lessons learned as well as the wisdom rejected that did not work for me as I was getting it from someone who did not have a clue themselves, and without a doubt the sweet sweet laughter of my grandchildren.

Just as there are good times behind us there are equally good times ahead of us once we learn to see both the joy and humor in life. The greatest joy of all though is that happiness that we ourselves earn through both sacrifice and wisdom. Whatever you are dealing with today that makes life look so impossible just take a deep breath and give it your best. The real success of life is to be able to look at each decade of our lives in truth and to know and understand the value of it being the best days of our lives. If we can only look at them with sorrow or guilt then we need to change it today.

You will be amazed at how much comfort it will bring you tomorrow if you can look back and say, “hey I handled that well” instead of kicking yourself by making both yourself and loved ones around you feel even more miserable. Enjoy your day, your now and learn from your yesterday and tomorrow as we all are made up of all the ingredients that went into the recipe that made us the person that we will become. Who amongst us doesn’t want our legacy to count for us rather than against us because we earned it rather than a person in denial inventing it? There is no time like now to get started. I wish you the Best!

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Dismissing Siblings–Creating Black Sheep

For all who grew up in families where siblings fought with each other and their feelings were dismissed or laughed at to imagine when we grow up things will change and we will become one big happy family is fairly absurd. If we do get psychological help it will be possible but many do not even develope an awareness that their families were dysfunctional so only repeat the behavior generation after generations and accept that they will stay together and fight at family gatherings, because it is normal behavior to do so.

The headache in many families, where siblings fight, against each other can be huge. In functional homes parents can try to do all kinds of tricks to make their children play together and share without resentment or jealously. They take time out for siblings to give each other hugs or to apologize and to validate the feelings of all as well as each member of the family on an individual basis. It is important to these parents to stand back and not to interfere with outbreaks of jealously between the siblings that are vying for their mother’s time, attention and love. By not taking sides or putting one child in charge of another these siblings can and often do grow up with very close ties when they become adults and form a bond that lasts for life. Quite often we hear people using phrases like I just love him or her as, “they are like a brother or a sister to me.”

In dysfunctional homes parents can also turn siblings against each other by with holding love, attention, and devotion from one child and giving it to another child. As hard as it is for most to believe there are families where mothers and fathers will actually make no bones about it and tell the other siblings that their brother or sister is their favorite child. By making statements like Suzy is a doll or Johnny is my favorite child, I could never have made it without her or him.

Many times mothers actually weaken these children to parrot her own feelings or to pay her the 24 hour attention that she wants. In these cases we will find co-dependents, enablers, and symbiotic relationships sometimes individually and other times in partial aspect of several of the dysfunctions. This will always be the child that does as she/he are told and have been hand selected by the mother to be the patriarch or matriarch of the family once she dies.

Just as in the animal world where a runt is often born and a mother will refuse to nurture and feed it, so it ends up being pushed off by the siblings, and ends up dieing from starvation a dysfunctional mother can choose a child to turn the siblings against each other in the human world. Many times by excluding this child or these children from family meals, gatherings and later reunions a mother will accomplish her goal with the help of her favorite child or children.

The child that is the most abused or neglected will be picked while still very young as well, as the child that is/was the liar and impossible terror of the family. Because they become so unfairly treated they often times do become the person that they are being accused of being. Children do become what their parents say they are many times.If this child deserts the family as a teenager or young adult, then she/he will be dismissed for life by the entire family and another picked in the adult years to replace this child that dropped out of the family earlier.

The favored children or child will be called on by the mother while still just toddlers to fight her battles or to solve her problems, and in cases where it is a large family, to care for her children. For that reason then the favorite child is often times the oldest. In other cases where the mother is definitely the parent in charge or the father is absent the youngest child can be the favorite. By turning the oldest against the youngest then she can many times accomplish her goals as many children will vie for her attention in the number of things that they do to please her in order to feel loved by their mother. Fathers who play a role in nurturing or training their children can also do the same but since they are less the nurturer than the mother is they are fewer in number.

For years now the medical profession has known and understood that the child’s desire to gain the love of their parents is so strong that when they expect a case of abuse but do not know the certainty of which parent is abusing the child, the child will tell them. Even when a child is too young to talk they will reach out for the person that has been abusing them as they are so desperate for the love of the parent that has been mistreating them that they will choose to go to the abuser.

Younger children grow up being told to do what your older brother or sister do and if not being told that the older children are perfect they are at least to assume that they are. So by the time we become adults then if it is a family that hasn’t broken the bond formed by the mother through their own maturity, the older children will continue the role of being in charge or control and being the protector of the family from both real and imagined slights.

There may be a break in the bonds that were formed by the mother in childhood if members of the family become functional or independent and live distances from each other both physically and emotionally. When things really get out of whack is when a combination of oldest and youngest is used to fill the mother’s responsibility as parent.

In cases where the mother becomes a widow or a divorcee or there is a separation or distance formed between the spouse, both the oldest and youngest, will sometimes be used in replacement of the mother’s or parent’s inability or lack of desire to remain in charge. Especially when the oldest only role is to be the love child and accompany her while the youngest is called on to do any physical work or labor, the mother may wish to turn over her responsiblity to the youngest to house and feed the family members separate from the favored child or children as well as expect them to give the family a safe place to land or gather.

When there is no longer a need for the nurturer role in the family the person that has co-operated by taking care of the mother’s responsibility, often times with the mother’s manipulation and sometimes the favorite sibling’s manipulation this sibling or adult child will be chased out of the family in order to restore the original pecking order of childhood.

Thereby the black sheep of the family is formed. We are all familiar with these children becoming the drunk of the family or the drug user but very few know of the black sheep of the family that fails to live up to the family expectations and does not fail but instead exceeds their expectations.

The remarks begin with favorite aunt, favorite uncle, favorite sister, favorite brother, favorite sisters in the beginning while this person is co-operating with the favorite child’s or children’s wishes and then it will turn rapidly to hateful, spiteful, and renditions of their own feelings about themselves when this sibling is no longer needed.

Often times due to their own feelings of inadequacy because this brother or sister that was supposed to fail reversed the order and exceeded expectations of the perfect child or children in both moral and financial equity a deep ceded hate or jealousy will form. The reasoning then becomes that they exceeded because they were lucky so they owe us even more than they did before. In their minds this has been the real turkey of the family and there is no way she/he could possibly be as clever as they are and have been.

It then becomes a question as to if the black sheep of the family actually walks out and leaves the family or if they are chased out. In my own case I stayed and co-operated longer than I should have and as a result I suffered much more pain than I needed to but when it comes to being able to pass the test of life, and we excel at it, who is to say it was wrong of me to stay as long as I did?

The weird thing about all this behavior is the only people in the family that generally can rationalize this kind of behavior and know what is happening to the family is the mother and her co-dependent or co-dependents, as they are the ones that have been pulling the strings in the family from the beginning. I’m not sure just how conscious they are of what they are doing but none-the-less they’re people who function in this manner. Emotions can run deep and make people do strange things.

If the behavior of a mother behaving in this manner sounds weird to most of us it is because it is. Families have been hurting families in all kinds of ways since Caine and Abel in an effort to gain what ever it is that they feel entitled to. It’s not just men that get paranoid and do strange things or abuse in a family. It may be harder for us to accept that mothers do as well but the reality is that they do.

( Please note:this is an example and certainly not a rule as how and why dysfunctional families begin and end. Each family is uniquely their own)

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Mistaken Emotions

The most mistaken emotions in my estimation are frustration and resentment. People that display either or both quite often get thought of as being bitter or hateful. If we project a bad day on others and they respond back to us as frustrated because they are having a fairly good day and our bad day is reflecting negatively on their’s, often times, we can and do take their frustration towards our response to them as being bitter or hateful towards us. This is especially true with people who are depressed or in denial.

Think about it for a moment. Wouldn’t we all get frustrated or even resentful if the person that we have the most social contact with is always complaining about some one else or argumentative? How many of us can remain joyful or cheerful if we are talking to someone who is always negative? It doesn’t take much to project our frustration and even resentment back to a person who always feels as though they are getting the worse of life. A person that feels that their stress levels,complaints, time and in general their significance in life is much greater than ours will drive all of us to frustration.

People that we surround ourselves with can actually alter or change our own stability. If someone is a bigot and we foolishly think we can get through to them and they respond with a derogative remark when we do, often times that same person will think our frustration with their remarks are just down right hateful.

It is not uncommon at all for people to transfer their own negative emotions onto us. Certainly someone who feels that people who are lesser than themselves need to be listening to their great wisdom and we refuse to go along with their estimation on the subject at hand, will say we have a bad attitude. This is not uncommon for people who have their own opinions on everything that are opposite of our own.

I have yet to find a person that suffers from depression on a regular basis not misconstrue the emotions of others. It is not unusual or atypical of people who do to feel their own pain over that of the people that they are visiting with to be unable to grasp the emotions different from their own.

If any of us spend much time visiting with or in the house of a hoarder, compulsive obsessive person, alcoholic, argumentative person, arrogant person,abusive person,judgemental person,person steeped in bigotry, ungrateful person,drug addict,depressant, or the long list of entitled people in our lives and we are stable ourselves we will come back resentful and uncomfortable with the conversations that often go along with the behavior of the person. Especially if they are people that we really do care about and instead of trying to help themselves,even when we know that they are not always capable of doing so rationally, but they instead constantly are offering us criticism or advice it can lead to total distraction on our part.

Our frustration and resentment towards their feelings of both indifference and blaming others can go to an all time high. We know they are responsible for their own behavior but still it would be inhuman of us not to care that they are behaving in a manner that will only bring them more pain as it feels as though they are asking us to over look our own values. Is it any wonder then that there are feelings of frustration and resentment on our part?

I find that I cannot even watch the new show on compulsive obsessive disease on television without feeling uncomfortable for both myself as well as the person suffering from the horrible disabling diseases. This has to be a heart-break for loved ones as well, and certainly lead to misunderstanding amongst members of the family.

In years past I would have questioned my own degree of unconformability with a lack of caring but today I just know and understand that I am not ,as many aren’t, able to feel comfortable with something or someone who makes no sense to me. I actually feel blessed that I was not able to conform to the dysfunctions that do exist in too many homes, today.That is why we have trained people capable of dealing with these disorders. Logically I understand that they cannot handle it and I do feel empathy for them but at the same time I do understand the family frustration and resentment tied to it as well.

Not once do people who have these attitudes themselves ever think of what their requests of us, their attitude towards us,or their total lack of gratitude for what we generously give to them might have something to do with our attitudes towards them. This is the unfortunate part of trying to keep people that we do care about in our lives. Ultimately when their constant remarks,sense of entitlement,and feelings of grandeur wear us down there are bound to be misunderstandings on the part of both of us.

Unfortunately the day will never come in some cases that the people will ask themselves what it is they may have said or done that led to our developing attitude that reflected against their behavior. Two things happen when we reach an impasse in life with people who we do care about. We can and do either flee and run or we stay and confront. I have in my lifetime found that people who felt they are born to a position in our lives or have entitlement over us will rarely be people that we can confront and reason with. After numerous attempts I have found the list against me only grows and the lack of understanding for my point of view only gives them more ammunition to add to their own cause.

When that happens in our lives it can literally lead to health problems of our own. Professionally trained people need to work with people of this nature. None of us can help a person who always feels that they are right and we are wrong. I personally think it is much more healthy to end the relationship before either of us are hurt further.
Often times when we do, that too gets misinterpreted but sometimes the only way that we can remain sane ourselves,is to walk away.

People who always see us as hateful,bitter,uncaring and having an attitude seldom make the connect with their own misunderstanding of our frustration and resentment or their rude behavior towards us are not listening and never will. Therefore I feel I do both of us a favor when I make the break before we end up hurting each other further and before it reaches the point that it does worsen our own health. Sometimes we just have no choice but to,”Let Go–Let God.”

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