Symbiotic Relationships and Teenage Pregnancy

In cases of imagined or real persecution these relationships exist usually between a mother and her children. In 30 % of the cases they can also exist usually between a father and sons, for instance, if the father dreamt of being a Doctor or a sports star and failed to make it he will insist on his sons being a Doctor or a sports star or pay the consequences. Usually though men are more likely to form symbiotic relationships with their jobs.

Women that marry alcoholic or abusive men or suffer from persecution identity, can in some circumstances, form symbiotic relationships to varying degrees with their children. It is usually stronger in same-sex relationships. For instance when a symbiotic relationship is began with a mother’s children and a mother is being beaten she will promise her children protection against their father in exchange for their love exclusively.

If the mother suffers from both delusions of grandeur and persecution,or psychosis, and had great dreams for herself that were cut short because she got pregnant and had to marry,lacked the talent and ability, or simply could not afford her dream, she will try to gain her dream through usually her same-sex children or child if this disorder is present.

Sons are usually pressured just the same to take over the role of their fathers. She will promise her child or children protection against their father and do everything to provide them with their needs to achieve her goals in exchange for their love. It is understood that her children will excel and if not then she will abandon them. Next to living their mother’s dream their most important job on earth is to protect her and never do anything that will embarrass the family.

These relationships are not to be confused with normal relationships where all parents want their children to do their best and to be happy. In these relationships parents are protective in varying degrees by nature and never refuse this protection. Children are supported according to their own wants and healthy desires to choose according to their own maturity. The children grow up never questioning their parent’s love for them. Their parents are both disciplined and dependable.

The symbiotic relationships are formed before a child turns two in most cases. Mothers use their children as their confidants and usually the father as the enemy that ruined her dreams and she will protect her children against their own father so that he does not ruin the children’s dreams as well. In truth this is her second chance to live or relive her dream through her children rather than to allow the children their own dreams.The relationship between the spouses has broken down and the son (many times the eldest son) replaces his dad in the family whether the couple are married or divorced.

If a mother wanted to be a Beethoven, a redound dancer, or a beauty queen it will become the role of the daughter or daughters to achieve what she was never able to achieve. She will stop at nothing to make sure that happens as long as the daughters co-operates and do as they are told. It definitely is understood that the children will be the best and if not she will with hold her love or abandon them.

The mother will do what ever it takes and pay for any lessons it takes to make sure the children knows, that if she the mother, had not done everything that she did the children would never have been able to make it on their own. Even when the goal for them is her’s and her’s alone. On the other hand, any child that refuses to do as she or he are told or shares their love with another, are quickly sabotaged by the favored children that are agreeing with their mother. She also will with hold her love and ignore the child that refuses to co-operate in her dream. It becomes a very sick, sick family and as the children start rebelling the mother with holds her love from the ones that do not co-operate while she concentrates on the one or two that remain 100% loyal to her.

Because she does everything to make certain her children or child excel they become totally dependent and clinging on her and vulnerable to everything, every emotion or thought she has. Her goals become their goals and her dreams become their dreams. Their personalities, appearances, mannerisms, and thoughts all become enmeshed with her’s. The mother’s enemies are their enemies even when it is their father or sibling. The mother’s belief is their belief, and so-on-and-so-forth. They get straight A’s if that is important to her but it is not always a requirement,they are popular always,they are everything the mother wanted but could not achieve for herself.

She will go into a deep depression and spend days in her room,rages, and do anything to make the children vulnerable to pleasing her if they refuse to do as she tells them to do. Since the children are not living their dream but instead hers’ it becomes impossible for them to make any decisions on their own without checking with her first. If she has allowed them to or has hand-picked their spouses this will often lead to divorce. In short if she says “Jump they will jump”,literally.

These relationships are passed on from one generation to the next so are repeated from one generation to the next. The cycle only gets broken, as a rule, when something of a traumatic nature comes along in the life of the child that changes the path the next generation will take. Daughters or sons must be the best friend to their mothers. Always their mother is their best friend even when they do marry. The child or children will also lie when appropriate to make sure they keep their mother looking good and to protect her against all negative matters of life. The children or child that did not co-operate will be disowned and not included in family gatherings. All members that she deems that were loyal to her will remain a part of the family structure.

If young men and women do decide to rebell in the teenage years when it is normal with maturity to do so, it quite often makes their lives even more unbearable. Often times young girls will seek out that abusive man who her father was or seek out a man even worse since a good man sometimes is turned into evil by their mother’s imagination. She will get pregnant as a teenager just so that she can have some one in her life that loves her for being just herself. She has real resentment and can become very self-destructive for being turned into a mini-me. Young men will not marry in many cases until the mother dies and they are almost certain to be unmotivated. If a young male rebells he often times can become equally self-destructive and move miles away and even out of the country to get away from the control of his mother. If he does not rebel and the mother wants grandchildren then she may approve of a wife but the son will always turn to his mother rather than his wife when it comes to decision-making. These relationships are formed in all walks of lives and have nothing to do with class distinction, religion, or politics.

If we as a society could recognize the people who do suffer from mental illness and figure out some way to treat them more effectively than what we have done in the past then there would be far fewer people on drugs, in prison, or being hurt by dysfunctional families.

Until we do these families will all consider themselves normal because after all, they are only repeating what Mom did and she was a SAINT! Sadly then what is the sincere truth to the delusional or those in denial sometimes can be so far off base from reality that we feel as though we are being deliberately lied to when they think only they are telling the truth and it is we that are lieing.

I ask again–”Are Americans all insane”? Or have we just assigned our brains over to the ridiculous along with our common sense to the point we are no longer capable of thinking for ourselves? The lack of dedication, resources and commitment to the medical profession, granted to solving the problems, that go along with mental illness is a true tragedy in America. We need to find the compassion to help families that suffer from these diseases through research and science much in the same way we do for heart and cancer patients.

We Americans are better than what some families and the media are projecting us to be when it comes to both compassion and intelligence. We need to take back our brains and dust them off before they become like other muscles we do not use. We either need to use them or lose them.

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How Seriously Can Teenage Mothers Take Bristol Palin?

My first thought on this subject was that if Bristol could reach young women and discourage them from having babies then it would be worth perhaps the rumored price of $15,000 to $30,000 that she gets paid per speech. Then my Mother instincts and common sense kicked in and I couldn’t help but feel as though this might just be another attempt on the part of the Palin family to cash in. Only in America can a teenager get pregnant and then capitalize on it. Realistically I think we can all agree that it is a little insane.

When we give more thought to it, just how much can teenage moms relate to Bristol Palin? After all her pregnancy hasn’t stopped her from doing anything. If she does make $30,000 each speaking engagement then that means she only has to travel 3 times out of a year and stay at luxury hotels/motels with all expenses paid, and make more than 2/3 of what the Nation makes per household. $90,000.00 a year to be exact.

If she wants to go to college, buy diapers , buy formula and dress her child in nice clothing she can. She can afford a nice car and the expense as well as the insurance for it. She is simply like all Moms from the upper middle class, rather than a teenage mom, as she only needs to give up sleep for a year. She can afford day care, insurance,and baby sitters if she wishes to go to college, travel or socialize.

It strikes me, the thing that I forgot was, while she stands in front of a group of girls and tells them even with all she has, it is a major sacrifice, couldn’t it be like someone who breaks their toe or something equally minor, giving medical advice on how to succeed to a room of grade school and high school kids fighting ovarian cancer or leukemia? Doesn’t it then become a whole lot of whining in comparison to what other teen age moms will face in the real world?

What does she really know about parenting on the level of the kids she is speaking to? I would think that she would appear to be absurd, ridiculous, or a hypocrite for assuming that her life has the same boundaries as theirs’ or certainly is not some one in the position to advise anyone due to the extreme difference in her lifestyle. Certainly, teenagers who many times can see the obvious quicker than we can will recognize it as such.

As a Mom I know we all want to give the best to our children and along with not being able to buy formula, or affording diapers comes an altogether different stress of being a teen age Mom. I would think that these schools could find a better example to speak to the teenagers than someone who only needs to make a call to find a sitter if they really do want to go out and get a break from being a mother. Bristol will never experience anything that these girls will experience.

Many young girls living in a home of alcoholics, being prostituted out, with drug users for parents and dealing with incest have already learned that they cannot trust the people they should most likely be able to trust and that is their parents. Many are growing up in abusive circumstances and only want out. Would Bristol really have knowledge about how that feels?

Would she know what it would be like to dry a wet diaper and reuse it or have her toddler run around with a bare butt? Does she know anything about red tape and food stamps or aid to dependent mothers? Does she even know that there is powdered milk and even that will have to be diluted down to almost straight water until the next round of food stamps comes in?Would she know the fear of her parents or the apartments that harbor as many rats and cockroaches as tenets? Understand what drive by shootings feel like or to have a child rushed by the gangs? Does she know that many of them will not be able to afford transportation much less a car? Does she know the statistics of the boy friends hanging around or being abusive is both poor and great? Does she know that these young women that are trying to escape it all will still need to prostitute themselves, many times , in order to both feed and clothe the baby and their drug habit? Social service will enter their lives and often times if they do not have family to take the children the child will end up in foster care as the mother did?

Wouldn’t it sound like to these young mothers-to-be that Bristol does not have a clue? Many times these young girls have absolutely no hope left beyond believing that if they get pregnant their boyfriend will stay with them and they can get out. The baby will love them and for the first time in their lives they will feel loved by someone. It is a feeling that these young girls that spent time in foster care and juvenile detention have never felt or have any memory of feeling and that is, “how does it feel to be loved?”

Lets say that Bristol only speaks to those girls that do come from a middle class or wealthy background and they want a baby. Many times these young girls from a different background than their boy friends will foolishly think that if they get pregnant that will force their parents into accepting their boyfriends. Other times the subject of sex is hush hush in their homes and schools and they believe the methods that are false to prevent pregnancy, and other times they are having sex with the hopes of changing the life that they are living. A baby is exciting to them as a new puppy.If they have been shipped off to boarding schools or private schools they may very well be from a home with all the same problems when it comes to parents not having time for them. This very well could be someone who Bristol could relate to. None of us really know what the Palin environment has been like and if Bristol was on birth control and quite frankly it really is a private manner and none of our business. Even if she did grow up feeling as these girls did she still has nothing in common to advise them on unless maybe their parents are recognized around the World?

Even if that is the case the day that Sarah Palin accepted to run for vice-president on the McCain ticket didn’t she alter the life of her children forever? This would be no different or shouldn’t be if it was her father that did as well. Even if these teenagers are feeling unloved and want a baby to love them,are trying to get their parents to accept their boyfriends, are having sex carelessly, or are feeling bored and looking for an excuse to get out of the doldrums of their lives, isn’t Bristol Palin now way beyond anyone else in being able to relate to anyone when it comes to teenage mothers?

Doesn’t the name recognition totally change her perspective on how a normal life in a normal home would function? Isn’t she always going to have to live in a lime light and watch every move, much less every mistake she ever makes? Does this have anything at all to do with teen age pregnancy and being a parent? What can she possibly ever know again about what is normal for the common person?

The only thing that makes any sense to me, as far as Bristol Palin giving advise to anyone on any level , when it comes to parenting, is that she will be able to parrot the lines written for her by someone else. Her life, nor the life of her child, will never be one in which she can talk about how easy she has it in comparison to others and still finds it hard to be a teenage mother and be taken seriously, by people who deal in common sense and reality.

To do so will only evoke someone else or many others towards feeling resentful, jealous,aggitated,shocked,disgusted or any of the negative emotions that come from people who have had to earn their lively hood the old fashion way. Even the middle class and wealthy, and especially both, have had to earn their station in life through a great deal of hard work,commitment,sacrifice, doing the right thing,education, sweat and tears. For someone to earn more than they do by getting pregnant as a teenager might be understandable to some who do become irritated by this behavior.

I personally do not begrudge anyone an opportunity to have life easier than it was for the unwed mothers of our previous generations but there is somethig that seems offensive to the moral nature of this. If nothing else a little tacky and low class. Perhaps it is because the Palin name has become what it has because we as a society keeps buying into their cheesy attempts to stay in the public eye. Were we really that bored as a Nation that the name has become that significant to us or have we all just fallen for the sales pitch?

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Where Is The Common Sense?

1. A mother I knew complained that her 3-year-old was obese and couldn’t understand why as she never ate anything. The 3-year-old that should have been off the bottle was drinking 32 bottles of a high sugar drink a day.
2. Parents gave their two sons age 10 and 12 a beer each if they would dance at a barn dance. They are adults and now the parents cannot understand why they are alcoholics.
3. Hostesses and Maitre’ D’s are told to seat people in different sections according to the amount of people coming in. They follow the instructions to the point that people on a cane, a walker, or with a nasal canal for oxygen are taken all the way back rather than seated at the nearest possible seat even though walking is a struggle for them.
4. Women continually date men that have no character as they like the “bad boys” and then complain, “there are no good men left.”
5.Parents complain that their child is doing poorly in school and then send them to their room without supervision and tell them to do their homework. Why don’t they know that the television set and game boys are getting the child’s attention in their rooms over home work?
6. An adult child is not making their car payments on time or are not paying their bills but parents give them a down payment to buy their homes and then are puzzled as to why the bank is foreclosing on the same homes.
7. Parents lie to their kids and tell them “don’t tell Dad or Mom” and then can not understand why their children grow up and lie.
8. Parents pick up meals at fast food drive throughs and say they cannot afford to eat healthy. The same $20.00 bill that they leave at the fast food place to feed the family would have bought an inexpensive roast, potatoes, a bag of carrots and a head of broccoli and fed the family for 3 nights with the original meal and followed by the stews or casseroles that followed.
9. Parents give an excited child one of their valiums, tranqulizers, or sleeping pill and then cannot understand why their child grows up to be a drug addict.
10. parents encourage their children to be popular by giving them everything while teaching them through their own example, the lack of need to take responsibility for their own behavior and allowing them to date at 10 and 12 and then cannot understand why they are dealing with pregnancy at 16. Many of these same parents scream about schools offering both condoms and sex education.

This is such a small list of what is and has gone on in homes across America for years now, and is considered normal by those that live their lives in denial. It hasn’t a thing to do with a mother working at home or out of the home. It hasn’t a thing to do with which Church we attend. It hasn’t a thing to do with which political party we belong to. It hasn’t a thing to do with how much money we have in our purse or our wallet. It hasn’t a thing to do with if couples are married or not married. It has nothing to do with which nationality we belong to.

What it does have to do with is a total lack of common sense or an ability to reason about long-term results. Sadly it is only a drop in the bucket when it comes to what is and what has been going on in the homes across America for generations now. Don’t you think folks that it is time that we all stop and think before we act?

The herd mentality or flock mentality has distroyed our own individual ability to think for ourselves. Children do not have the ability to think for themselves when all they see are parents that never think for themselves or for the safety of their families. The future of our families depend on our ability to stand-alone and to think and reason for ourselves. Let’s get started changing our mind set today. The changes we make will change the future for our children tomorrow in a way that will be a Blessing to us all.

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My Aunt The Care Giver

To protect the anonymity of my aunt I will change the names in this post to reflect the same. I write about her today to point out the human frailty that often accompanies the perspective of the person that gives all their life over to others and is slow to ever accept or ask for help.

My Aunt Mary often spoke about the hardships she suffered being a care giver to her neighbor and was of the attitude that the children did not care. I’m not sure if the neighbor told her that or if she felt it to be true on her own. She and her husband would do everything for the neighbor that clearly should have been getting professional care as it included changing diapers for him. This is not nor should it ever be expected to be the job of a neighbor.

To know my aunt was to know a person that swept into a room and took total control of a situation while pushing others aside and taking charge. She was the true epitome of a control freak. She was very out spoken and many I’m sure was intimidated by her but she had a heart as big as the “whole outdoors’.

Her husband ran a business in a small California town and she raised their three children and did volunteer work all her life. When he retired the two of them took care of the neighbor. Whether it was a situation in this case of children not caring or of her doing it and leading them to believe that they were glad to do it, will always be up to debate. She was not the type that would have likely complained to them.

I do know as long as we do take care of the responsibility of others they’re always going to be people who will let us. To imagine that generation of dads would not be out of character to understand a good possibility did exist that he never spent time with his children. It would not be just a remote possibility but more likely a reality. There is great truth in “what goes around comes around.”

As her niece I do know after that experience my uncle passed on and prior to his doing so, they both had agreed that they would never again be a care giver to anyone. Anyone that has ever been a caregiver to the elderly does realize that many times the disabled person has a real resentment for the care giver.

No one wants to admit that they need help and instead some will even invent stories of living a life where they are very active doing their own work or socializing when they in truth are hiring or manipulating people to do what they claim to be doing. Sometimes they will claim to belong to a group or volunteering and go once or twice a year, if that, but claim to be going each week. Many times it is nothing more than a fantasy or delusion of their minds. It is important that family members, living a distance away,give as much if not more credibility to the mental health of their loved ones as they do to their physical health. Bickering between the disabled and care giver then is not unusual.

As life would have it and there being a great deal of truth in the old phrase,”never say never” once more aunt Mary felt the call to be a care giver. Her sister would have a stroke and require home and nursing care. This was a situation that Aunt Mary felt only she was capable of handling. Although there were many complaints by other nieces that my Aunt Helen’s daughter did not step up and take care of her mother there is no doubt in my mind that she would not have been able to fight off Aunt Mary to do so if she had tried.

Aunt Helen spent money to have a large bedroom and bath built onto Aunt Mary’s home and the two sisters would live together for 18 years. As is so often the truth this ended up being a situation where Aunt Mary took control thinking she had control over her life and would talk about when her sister passed on she would move closer to her own daughter and have a life of her own. She was well past her 90th birthday still talking in this manner.

The two sisters bickered constantly with each other but both spoke low knowing that neither could hear well so neither were as aware as others around them just how poorly the two did get along. No one ever doubted their love for each other but it was clearly a hardship on both of them. It was primarilly Aunt Helen that would complain about Aunt Mary but at the same time it was always obvious that Aunt Mary and Aunt Helen were grateful to have each other in their lives.

Both remained very up and positive towards life all of their life despite their living situation. My aunt Mary and Aunt Helen would bake for their neighbors up to the last days of their lives. Aunt Mary would even go defrost the refrigerator and clean the house for her grandson, who divorced, even when she was 92 years of age. This was a woman that was a millionaire and certainly could have hired help but in truth she never felt anyone could do it as well as she could.

She had COPD as well as had suffered a couple minor heart attacks and had congestive heart failure and yet she still talked about a life that she looked forward to, of just her own, once her sister passed on.

Clearly she adapted to denial well and lived with it comfortably in order to justify her being a care giver to her sister who was two years older. Her own daughter was well into her sixties before Aunt Mary would let her do the dishes following Aunt Mary and Aunt Helen cooking for the family of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren gathering. Aunt Mary would dole out the duties she would do and those that she would allow Aunt Helen to do.

Finally at the age of 91 with her sister being 93 and incontinent and on a walker, Aunt Mary decided she could no longer take care of Aunt Helen so she went to a convalescent home. Even then Aunt Mary would show up each day to make certain that Aunt Helen had a good lunch provided her and to give orders to the staff that she acknowledged was doing a good job. She made sure that Aunt Helen would spend the holidays at home with her and around family.

At 93 Aunt Mary suffered from congestive heart failure and was hospitalized in a retirement center barking out orders and sadly quite bitter for a life that she looked forward to but never got to live. Her sister Aunt Helen would out live her by 4 months.

My true story then is about the risk that the compassionate amongst us all take by always putting others before our own needs. Do we actually really serve our purpose when our lives are lived for others? Isn’t it human to give and then to complain about it? Although from the outside looking in my Aunt Mary may have looked like a Saint to many, one does need to remember the number of years she spent complaining about being a care giver,however, so that we do not repeat the mistake.

It certainly does not make loved ones feel good in their grieving when they know that a loved one was unhappy in their life and died bitter as a result of it. Did she defeat her own purpose of life or is she still controlling our thoughts from the grave? None of us ever knows the truth of another so why do we always speak as though we do? Perhaps that is the lesson that Aunt Mary taught us and is the one that would do us well to retain.

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To Care Givers Everywhere

This is not intended for those care givers that give unselfishly of themselves and have no strings attached to the dedication that you give time and time again. However if you are going to be the one that steps up to the plate and give care to the disabled I recommend that you educate yourself on the disorder that afflicts the family member or neighbor that you are offering to help. Also make certain that it is something that you wish to do without any expectation of staying if it does not work out with you’re doing so.

There is no crime in turning a loved one over to professional care when it works as a detriment to your own needs as well as your family needs. In some cases there are people who will be competent enough to take care of themselves and only require minimal care but have the attitude of entitlement and being waited on for their every need.

More times than not the family that shares the roof with this individual and understands their history prior to their needing care will know the patient best. Too many able-bodied people have the attitude that they are princesses or had a wife that waited on them and now have the right to be waited on by others.

Their entitlement out weighs another’s right to determine the difference between those needs. This may not be a problem unless the patient is inventing reality and then forcing others to live that reality. Many times the disability is more of a mental nature than a physical nature and if the caregiver does not understand the difference they can be bullied for years and totally drained by their good intention to help.

When this person ages then this entitlement increases. The mere fact that they are past an age gives them the entitlement to have anyone or anything at their disposal in the mind of the dependent. When they cannot manipulate a family member often times they will reach out and find a caregiver in their neighborhood.

When the neighbor falls for their stories of need it quite often will interfere with the longevity of the person wanting to be waited on when it comes to the need of long term home or health care. The well intentioned neighbor, friend, or family member can actually lead to the demise of the person living out old age in their own home. The longer a person can remain independent by their own right the longer they will be able to take care of themselves and live in their own homes. By manipulating someone to do the things they can do but simply do not want to do these people many times are not using the necessary muscles that keep all of us going into old age.

Knee replacement and or hip replacement are both intended to let the elderly remain on their own longer. Many people will view it as a new lease on life and it will accomplish what it was intended to accomplish. It can be difficult to judge the level of the floor following these surgeries but getting comfortable using a cane will almost always alleviate the balance problem sometime tied to this. Others will definitely use it as a reason to become dependent on others. The main thing that a care giver needs to know before they do get involved is to what extent they will help this person. The risk of doing too much for them will more likely cause them to go into nursing care as verses their remaining independent and able to remain in their home longer.

Remember these people many times can talk a good story and keep pretenses going but it does not mean there is any truth to the statements they make. When there is a family member that not only believes this person’s lies but works as an enabler or co-dependent to enforce these lies on other family members then the ones trying to help make the manipulator remain independent and able to take care of their own needs will often times run head on into those that have a need to make or keep this person dependent.

It is not unusual for a care giver to feel that their own lives are more fulfilled if they offer help to their neighbor or their parent when many times that is the last thing anyone should be doing as it will ony quicken the person’s need to bully others to do the same or to lose physical ability to care for themselves.

Retirement like disability with aging works best when people view it as a way to re-invent themselves and look forward to a happy and an independent freedom to enjoy their life on their terms taking care of their own needs. For those that have spent their lives taking orders or giving orders sometimes instead of it being a “get out of jail free” card the person ends up being lost and without direction. This also happens in the case of widows and widowers so it is important that before we do reach out to help others that we do know both if not all three of the sides to the story and that we aren’t simply getting involved to serve our own need to feel better about ourselves over their needs.

Anything to do with health needs to be handled by the person that has the health problem. It is the only way that the person will understand the difficulty or lack of difficulty they are up against. If a person for instance insists on taking our arm instead of using a cane we only assist them in delaying their own need to be independent enough to go or take the direction that they want to take rather than have them give us orders to take the direction they wish to take. The care giver may prefer to use their arm over encouraging the use of the cane as a way to control the disabled as well.

As caregiver we need to encourage them to take care of their needs. If it is mental sometimes we do them a terrible disservice not to put them in a place where the staff is trained for their special needs. I am a firm believer in neighbor helping neighbor and family helping family unless a reality that never existed is being invented and then we are being forced to live in that reality with the person requiring care.

Our truth as our soul is what we will be called on to have judged on Judgement Day. For anyone to take that or for us to give it away is only to deny ourselves the right to our own truth and the existence of our soul. Many times the health of the care giver will worsen beyond that of the person being taken care of. It is a very intricate balance of sometimes taking on more than many are capable of doing.

In many cases it requires the need of professionals as verses neighbor,friend or family care. It is important that we as care givers do know our limits in cases where the person requiring care will abuse and mistreat the care giver in order to manipulate them and cause undo stress to worsen the care giver’s own health. It is always wise to understand that many times things are not as they appear.

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What Disability Allowed Me To Do

I did not give up easy when it came to both using a cane or accepting the use of a power chair. I continued doing as I always had and raised my levels of pain tolerance in the process. I redecorated another home and refinished furniture for my college age children’s apartment and became an expert at blocking pain. Eventually when 8 disc herniated at the same time along with the 25 years of pain I had already been dealing with,I was frozen to a stop.

I knew I needed to re-invent myself and the plans I made for my future were going to have to be ditched. Although I had spent many more years of continuing my life as I planned and being the parent in charge and my children graduated from highschool without my giving into the pain it was clear those days would need to end.

It would be the beginning of my new life and what a terrific life it would be. After having spent stubborn years of refusing to let go of my old way of doing things, no one felt more Blessed than I did to find I was now able to do things that I had never dreamt would be part of my life.

Both of our children were attending the University and with freed up time I was able to spend a week out of the month spending time with them and being the Mom that showed up to clean their apartment, to grocery shop and to cook for them. They were both carrying full college credits as well as waiting tables to pay for their own rent and personal expenses so I was not at all concern that my doing so would interfere with their independence as they had become self-sufficient while still at home.

I finally bought my red car just for me and in 7 months time managed to put on 32,000 miles of travel. If I didn’t visit every casino in the Nation over the next 10 years, then I came close to it. I saw parts of the Country and visited places I never dreamt I would. We visited San Juan, Povidences along the Canadanian border several times, and took a cruise of the Caribbean and Barbados along with the 48 States.

Some of the trips were taken between college breaks with my children others with my husband and some on my own to pick up my sisters to take trips from there. Before my new red car was a year old I traded it for my power chair and custom van in order to help relieve pain while walking and to expand my independence as well.

I did the complete geneology on my Fathers side and found the person that had done my Husbands family.I got interested in the stock market and just as with the casino I had beginners luck with my own trades, that would help pay for my trips. I read every book I ever wanted to read and am still an avid reader. I oil paint, read, and blog and look forward to spending the weekends with my husband of 41 years.

I collect antiques go to auctions and scout out small towns and antique shops on weekends. I also collect first edition books as well as signed copies and jewlery. On very special weekends I visit two of the most terrific children to ever be borne next to my own and they are our grandsons. On even more special occasions we are asked to babysit both and it fills our hearts with joy that knows no bounds.I spend much more time with my interests in both National as well as World affairs and have become an anonymous donor. On bad days, which we all will have, I rest without pangs of guilt or regret. On a typical year my medical expenses are less than my husband’s who still treats his health conditions with preventative medicines.

I’m no longer so naive to trust every hard luck story I hear but at the same token not so paranoid not to listen when I hear them. I realize that many times things are not what they seem. I understand there are often times more than two sides to a story. I know that hating and judging only destroys us and I also know the joy of waking up with each new day or many times going to bed in the wee hours with each new day.

Whatever the day is like outdoors, it rarely has anything to do with me indoors as I am always involved in an interest of some type and do a great deal of research. I do not spend much time socializing as I feel that I have so much yet to learn myself and prefer to get the information from people who do know truth from gossip and lies. I have never fooled myself into believing that I could relate to my peers or they to me. Health problems that need to be turned into health successes do change us all and makes our priorities different.

Each minute of the day matters more to me as I do know that things change in a minute. I have learned the real value of gratitude and appreciation and cherish each day as if I knew it would be my last.I do believe that we all get tested on our own strengths and I feel how we deal with those crosses or tests will determine how we value our own worth. I have no room to think negatively of others on a personal level but instead a need to expose those that we give our own power to before we as well as others are hurt by their lies. I have never spent a full day in bed, unless hospitalized nor do I have a moment to waste feeling sorry for myself.

I could go on with my story but I have said enough at this point to hopefully show you or your loved ones that in no way will accepting the use of the wheel chair be the end of your lives. The wheel/power chair is a tool to replace legs that are no longer dependable and to that extent it has no other role. It’s only purpose is to give us our independence and certainly not to rob us of it.

Disability is no different from anything else in life as it is our choice to determine how we each individually will define it when it does happen. What worked for me are my experiences according to my disorders but I believe that we all have the same opportunity to find joy if we make it a priority. Each of us has to determine what that looks like for us. Please know that if you, no one else, want to take control of your own life, there is a lifetime of joy laying ahead of you and yet to be discovered. Be patient, be Wise, but don’t wait for it to come to you as you will need to find it. I wish you all Good Luck in finding it your way!

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Turning Disability To Ability

For many that suffer from paralysis disability is a reality as it is for those of us that are limited by pain bearing diseases. The difference between those of us that accept it as a reality as versus those that take being able-bodied for granted is that we need to learn somewhere in childhood or our young adult years to live life differently from what is seen as normal. This post applies then to the physically limited rather than all the other various limitations that humans either inherit or place on themselves. In some ways most of us do live limited lives by our own doing.

By the time people reach older age slowing down or needing help is seen as more normal. Clearly people accept older people on a cane, walker, or wheel chair much more gracefully than they do younger people who many times are viewed more harshly. Since I have lived both age groups this is based on my opinion and the route I took to find joy.

If we were independent before the injury that lead to our being limited we will remain independent after. It works the same with dependent people. Many times telling someone they must limit something when the person offering the advise has not a clue of what we are living with, appears to most of us as more confusion than reality. On the other hand being told we can do something when the pain levels are clearly above our ability to tolerate the same for any length of time can appear to be very callous.

Just because the x-rays or the medical profession says we will be limited it still gets down to what the individual views as being limited is. It is true that I could not stand and visit for long, take a shower, or do my hair or make-up or cook when standing but by using a stool or power chair I could/can still do all of the above so it was/is difficult for me to view that as a disability although it was necessary for me to do it differently from what others in their 30′s would have done. It should have also made it impossible for anyone else that knew me to think that I could then take care of another disabled person but in my case it never did.

Unless the arms are paralyzed pretty much anything that we did before the injury when it comes to taking care of ourselves is still possible as long as we look for and find a different way of doing it. I certainly will not lie to the permanently injured and tell them that it is possible to be totally free of pain or paralysis because it is not. The more that we can cope with the pain the less the destruction is to other parts of our bodies over time. Anyone can find a Dr. willing to write prescriptions but it is important that we realize that narcotic pain treatment does not treat the damaged or inflamed area that causes pain. Narcotics will wear off and require higher levels to the point that we end up drug addicts and still have pain in many cases.

It just becomes a matter as to if we the individual accepts pain or fights it. In my case it was much easier to accept it in much the same way that most would accept eating. It was going to be a part of my life so rather than give into it or fight it I felt it better to acknowledge it and then to get on with my life. With the combination of the power chair and the van lift I could participate in anything that required travel,standing in line or walking distances as well. The cane would not allow for such freedom or independence due to the fact that my pain increased with being on my legs or walking distances.

Denial and pain in my case did not work as to accept pain it becomes difficult to understand which is a way of life that needs to be ignored or which is a warning signal that requires medical attention. Until we do figure out which is which Doctor visits are very necessary. Obviously when life threatening conditions are associated with pain this is not an option. Many times when we are younger we still care too much about what people say and think and the remarks can be cruel. There is always an embarrassment tied into using a cane or wheel chair regardless of our age. The sooner we put that behind us the faster we begin to enjoy life again.

Although adapting our own system to tolerate living with pain becomes a delicate balance, there will be instincts with time, that will allow us to sort out the difference as long as we stay tuned in with the changes and yet tune out the pain. I taught myself my own bio-feedback as I was allergic to treatment and refused to take pain drugs until my children were married. In most cases it is wisest to work with a therapist to determine if acupuncture or massage or physical therapy would be better routes to take over drugs.

Anything of a negative value can cause pain to worsen if it is a person that loves to argue, name call, or just get under our skin. I found it best to eliminate anyone that viewed me as someone placed on earth to amuse them or for them to use or mistreat. None of this came easy or quickly. I often found that I could be in a fairly good mood thinking I could get information or help before going into a Dr.s office only coming back out having gained nothing other than being depressed as a result of being naive enough to think I could get answers or help.

I got serious about just what I did need to see a Doctor about. I started falling and when I cracked open my head on the tenth fall, I bought a cane for balance. All that I was really ever told about my condition for the most part were the names of the diagnosis and the rest has come from my living with it and from my own research. When it comes to debilitating diseases most of us are on our own to discover for ourselves what will and what won’t work. This is why it is so important that both loved ones and care givers realize their job is to tune in and not to offer advise on something they neither know anything about nor live with.

The more that we can do for ourselves the more enjoyment we will get out of life and the more peace we will find. I guarantee you that nothing will teach gratitude more than being both all we can be for our loved ones while still being all we can be for ourselves.

The pain only needs to worsen when we have selfish individuals that have expectations from us in our lives and that too we are responsible for eliminating. I write this from the view of an independent person.

To those that were co-dependents, enjoyed leaning on others, or expected to be told how to deal with your life or in short dependent before injury, all I can say is Good Luck! I sincerely mean that as to have to learn independence at a time like this it seems to me will make the climb that much more difficult and it is without a doubt the climb that we all must make alone. We all have loved ones and medical personnel to support us but no one will be able to guide us other than ourselves. If we don’t take the opportunity and learn to be self sufficient we will end up in the position that we do become totally helpless and that is what none of us want for ourselves or our loved ones.

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Accepting the Fact That We Are Different

Today’s post is intended to educate loved ones on how the disabled person views their good intentions. Although I have asked very little of anyone over the years and take pride in the fact that I haven’t had to, I have had the experiences that causes the emotions that many in our situation deals with in life.

My heart goes out to all care givers as I know their intentions are well placed and I understand it is many ways easier to be the person that has limited abilities than it is to be the person that lives with us. After all, once the shock wears off and we have an understanding of our disability or disease we are in a better position to know and understand our own limits and many times we are not the best in being able to communicate our needs.

Accepting the fact that we are different once we become physically challenged is something that is easier for most of us to understand long before it is for our loved ones to understand that we are. Many times, it is easier for them to accept the fact that we could be doing more or should be doing less, than it is for them to accept the reality, and to get out of their denial long enough, to accept that we can not be doing more or should not be doing less .

It is also important that both loved ones and we who are physically challenged do go through a grieving period and recognize that depression many times is symptomatic of pain. To tell a person that they are too independent or not independent enough for their own good often times can do more harm than good. In many cases that call can be better determined by a physical therapist,Doctor, and especially the person themselves than by a care giver or loved one.

It is important that both loved ones and handicapped do know and understand that they can be right and the doctor wrong as well. Second opinions can make a difference between a mentally sedate lifestyle as versus a mentally active one when physical ability is limited. People who do not have a clue of how to deal with either roles will be giving you advise and the great majority of it can be discarded.

In my own case it was necessary to ask them to please quit sending me miracle surgeries or inviting me to miracle cure seminars that had nothing to do with my own health diagnosis. Be prepared for that. Not all people need to be out socializing as many of us can find hobbies/interests that we enjoy and never dreamt we would ever have time to do so much that does interest us. We are all capable of determining our own route of enjoyment when brain damage or mental health is not part of our diagnosis.

Trying to explain to loved ones sometimes is like trying to get a wall to understand. They get this glaze look over them like , “not this again” when we do try to explain or find it easier to tell us that we have done it to ourselves. That if we had taken better care of ourselves, or done as they have done, we would not now be living the way that we are. The simple truth is that if they did accept it then they would have to accept that the same could happen to them.

Many will demand that we continue doing all that they have become comfortable with us doing even though we no longer can and end up expressing their total lack of patience with us or they will hover over us as though we are incapable of doing anything. Sometimes it is much less frustrating to just smile and not to try to explain as no one will understand unless they do live the lifestyle, anyway.

Trying to find a happy medium with loved ones or even with the medical staff that is sometime employed to help us becomes a much harder frustration to us than the disease or accident that caused our disability does. It is very difficult to be in pain and frustrated by what feels like a lack of sensitivity while accepting the fact that we are different only to find our loved ones in denial about it as well.

Most people resent being given orders and so loved ones end up feeling very manipulated by the disabled and feel as though they are given little to no respect. It does not become uncommon that we end up with two people actually feeling very similar emotions but for opposite reasons.

The ideal solution is for a loved one to give us the time that we need to find out for ourselves what our own abilities are and what our own limits involve. Then, if we are lucky, they will really listen and accept those limits that we voice with the understanding there will always be some days that are worse than others and require more of them. Why is it so hard for them to understand that they will never know how to deal with it better than we know how to deal with the same? Like anything else in life, this would be an ideal solution if we lived in a perfect world. Many diseases change from day-to-day and are much more complicated by symptoms than what appears. What our needs are one day may be very different the next day. We can be just as surprised by the changes as our loved ones are.

All the able-bodied have to compare individuals with is their own experience or education with the handicapped. It is much easier for some of them to make assumptions than it is to listen and ask for what it is that we do need. There are people who are malingering or classic fakes and bitchers so sometimes when they really are in need it can be difficult to tell. We will also need to pay the cost for these people in both the mentality of the able bodied as in the Doctors’ offices so a sense of humor is important to maintain.

Unfortunately health problems are no different from anything else in life, in that the mentality exists that if it can be done on television in 30 minutes then it also should be done or cured in real life in the same amount of time. Also with all the miracle cures that we hear about until we get sick we assume that all health conditions can be cured. The real truth is if we can get treatment we are luckier than some. Even Doctors will many times give false information based on statistics rather than individual needs.

The great majority of people want to be in control of their life and able to plan the day according to their own needs or timing. To be asked to do something at a time when they are doing something else becomes very irritating to them and they feel as they are being controled by the person that requires help.

Never mind the fact that the person that is disabled very often resents having to ask anyone for their help and only asks when it becomes absolutely necessary. Sadly there are also those that have and will always take advantage of another’s good will. It should be the goal of the caregiver to diagnose which behavior the handicapped person is displaying. Instead, many people tend to get grouped together as being the same when they simply are not.

Since I have been both a caregiver as well as a disabled person I do know and understand that it will only work when both people are given the respect that they deserve. Many times loved ones will be willing, even eager,to help until they are verbally abused or mistreated by the physically challenged individual.

Many times the handicapped themselves refuse to accept the fact that they are different from others and have the intent to get someone else to take care of their responsibility by bullying them into doing so, while they claim to be doing it themselves. Other times the caregiver fails to know the urgency involved in making it to the rest room, taking pain pills, or other complications that developes.

The attitude that the disabled can take care of the disabled is the attitude of some people who feel since the handicapped are not working then they can take care of family. These people truly are refusing to deal with reality or are totally ignorant of the world of the disabled. Anytime one person is struggling to take care of their own health problems as well as serve in other capacities and is asked to take care of another disabled is simply nothing more than a refusal to acknowledge the truth or a deep denial on the part of the person asking.

In any case when this does happen, and it does more than most would realize, medical authorities should get involved if aged parents, siblings, husbands,wives,friends, neighbors and children refuse to listen to common sense. Unless of course they are able to hire or offer nursing care or use reasonable judgement in helping out the disabled person who they are asking or expecting to be the caregiver, themselves.

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Barton Exposes True Right-Wing Mentality

It is the nature of the Texan to take control and not to follow directions. Remember “Dubya’s” key word, “I’m the decider”? For Joe Barton to use the word “shakedown” to express what he thought Obama was doing to British Petroleum was no accident. Not anymore than Joe Wilson using the word Liar when expressing his views on Obama nor the message boards lighting up with the volunteers yelling mafia. Since the day that it looked like Obama could win the Presidency the right-wing conservative Republicans have made a conscious attempt to evoke the image of Obama being a Chicago thug and an outsider.

Yesterday’s action by Joe Barton was nothing more than exposure of the true belief of the right-wing conservative Republican mentality. They play the blame game and accuse Obama of the very thing that they themselves are guilty of having created. They bring in God and Country along with family values and expound virtue when their true role is as a protectionist. They no more care about American virtue nor practice it, than they care about the people who vote for them. Their real goal is to protect Corporate America at all cost to the people.

The white elephant in the room has always been Corporations that buy and pay for the Republican Party Protection. Make no mistakes about it. When the Republicans won taking the regulations off of Corporate America they shared in the greed as well. There was nothing greater to the damage done to American wealth of the middle class than what was done by deregulating American Banks and Corporations.

We as the public will be paying for that greed for decades and that is why there is such an effort being made to swing the perception of America over to the ideal that it is Obama who is the person that does not care while they fight tooth and nail to protect the interests of Corporate America. That was the true reason that no one Republican voted for the Healthcare bill and fought it “tooth and nail”.

The problem that the Republicans keep running into is that when “we the People’ elect the people who are protecting the corporations they sometimes are going to end up with elected officials that will expose their true belief system. Joe Barton did that yesterday. There is an old saying in, “water seeks its own level”. Simply put it means the corrupt will expose themselves. That is exactly what happened yesterday and is the reason the Republican Party was quick to put the pressure on Barton to apologize.

Once more I urge everyone to get acquainted with the voting records of their representatives both in their States and Washington DC. Be aware of the fact that there are right-wing conservatives amongst the members of the Democratic Party , as well, but not nearly to the extent that they are embedded in the Republican Party. With the internet it is rather easy to find the voting records and it eliminates any excuses to do so. Your vote does matter and will directly change the direction that the right-wing is trying to take in their dominance over the American workers. We owe it to the future generations to be able to share in the Democracy that we all have enjoyed.

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Now We Know Why They Like Stupid!

The Republican right-wing conservative Barton, from Texas, blasts Obama for a shake down of a poor innocent BP president and apologizes to him for the shake down he got from Obama. The messages that follow on the message boards are clearly from the stupid or those that have no ability left to register reality. The best of the stupid that I read was “It is Obama’s fault that the well blew as his energy policy would not let British Petroleum drill in shallow waters.”

These are the kinds of people who the Tea Party is getting elected. Is it any wonder that the right-wing wants the uneducated and the stupid and will do everything in their power to make home schools and their Religion only,not your’s, the way of life for all of us? In their way of thinking women belong at home and pregnant while the white males take back the jobs, women currently have, anyway.

The “no child left behind” program was without a doubt the most “dumbing up” of all programs to date on our children. Instead of bringing up the under-achievers amongst our students it pulled down the average to over-achievers and is still having the effect as the Democrats struggle to bring back the levels of education.

I have covered all the reasons in my posts as to why it is important for all of us to adapt a reason to educate ourselves in politics. The days when mom or grandma could use excuses like, “I vote like my husband does”, “I vote the way my daddy always did”, or “I just vote Party lines” are or should be way past being dead. We can’t simply sit back and think that surely no one would vote for someone who is that stupid anymore, because it is already happening.

Didn’t we just find out what a mess America can get into with just one stupid President and his greedy administration? We cannot afford to not learn from the mistakes of George “Dubya” and still survive another one. America deserves better as do we. If we are not a part of the solution then we most certainly will be part of the problem. That you can bank on.

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