Many of us stay with relationships thinking that we do not want to hurt someone else. In doing so, we only end up hurting those that are the closest to us. The people in our lives that truly do care about us.
I write this then to help the person or people that have tried absolutely everything, that they can think of, including counseling and sitting down and trying to talk to the person causing the pain, in their own lives, and the relationship still does not work.
No one on Earth was ever meant or intended to stay with a relationship that is both abusive or sells us short. One that leaves us feeling as a hypocrite, thinking less of ourselves, that is argumentative, and just in general leaves us feeling drained, stressed and unhappy.
Earlier I wrote about the cousin in my life who was both the drunk and the control freak. I didn’t tell you, that when she would tell me what we could and could not talk about, that the only conversations she was interested in was family gossip, geneology, weather and raising tomato plants. After about 7 years of these repeated conversations I had reached the point that I could no longer follow through on the conversations.There are those relationships that do get formed because they fill an interest or a need, but were never meant to last. That was one of them.
When I found myself, making excuses or lieing about not being here everytime this person called, as I said, I tried to e-mail in order to change the same repetetive conversations, and it only proved to be a greater mistake as she really lost control over me and what I talked about. It did become time to walk away. To stay only showed my children that it is o.k. to lie, by saying I wasn’t home or I was napping.
The longer we stay in these kinds of relationships they will ultimately end up blowing up in our face, anyway. I simply told her I enjoyed getting to know her but that I realized the misunderstandings were coming from the fact that the two of us had nothing in common and wished her well. Of course, that is the last thing that a person that needs to control wants. They are simply trying to get us back where they are more in control again.
What if it is a mother/father that did everything to turn her/his children against each other and now is trying to turn our children against us. I offer the same advice. Sometimes the only and best way to honor a Father and Mother, is to put distance between us This does not mean that the relationship has to end permanently. In my case I reached out time and time again, to only find out that the same sneaky behavior, now that she is older, is being played by my sister, her co-dependent. I will spare you all the details but I only use this as an example. There are any number of ways that parents can and do destroy an adult child’s happiness. I will always be grateful to her for my life and remember her on her birthday and Christmas, as I do truly love her, but putting distance between us, has become the only way that I can respect her.
As far as siblings go, I recommend the same thing. If you, yourself are not standing with your hand out to borrow money but they in return feel entitled to mooch, if they tell you they hold grudges but you have never done so, in your life, but they accuse you of being hateful,then at least acknowledge to yourself that they have a bad case of transference. I have yet to meet the person that does hold a grudge, that isn’t hateful to the object of their distain. There are truly people that can only look at reality, if they transfer their own negative behavior onto others, if you have a family member that has taken the truth and turned it into anything but the truth, and the lie is painful and you know this, do not ruin your own families’ life by remaining to argue with the sibling or siblings. Most are more interested in the arguement than they are with us, anyway.
Some people and families just agree to disagree and stay together by not talking about their childhood. This can work in families that do not enjoy particularly close relationships and are comfortable with that. It was the only thing that any of us had in common.
If you feel as I did, as I was very uncomfortable living this way. Then I would suggest that you do as I did and simply walk away. Arguing only makes a difficult situation worse, and again I repeat, that is what they want. They never get upset as they feel victorious while we feel both drained and hurt, and our families are left to deal with us. I send Christmas and birthday cards every so often. I remain friends with the members that do not live in denial. That are comfortable discussing our childhood, as it was, since we don’t hold grudges, and are able to laugh about some things, without turning it into apple pie and angels singing, when it never was. In the other instances telling them why, only made the matters worse as they are too far gone into judging and from reality for anything I say to make a difference. I tried to talk to them and all I got back was unfair accusations.
They love to argue as people living in denial find themselves doing a lot of this with people in general. People live in reality or should. In my case it is important for both my sanity and relationship with my husband and children. If you choose the route I did don’t beat yourself up over it. None of us should ever become comfortable with living our lives as a lie.
They may try everything, including blaming us for not leting Mom see their grandchildren, but our kids already know the truth and most, unless totally rebellious, will choose not to see Grandma because of the lack of respect shown to their mother/father. In my case, my daughters had to tell me that they were losing respect for me, because I would never let anyone, talk to them or treat them in that manner. I personally made a point to tell them when they were older to go see Grandma, and she was the last person they wanted to see. Yes I was unable to fool my family, when they themselves could sense and hear the pain that I was living.
The same is true of churches, groups or organizations. If you attend to find peace, or have been a member for life, and you are noticing that instead of finding the peace and enjoyment that you originally found ,or joined them for, and now it is totally different. Ask them their basis for their thinking and if it comes out the same answer from the entire group or the majority, and it is the answer that makes you doubt their reasoning, in the first place, then look elsewhere for the Church, group or organization that is more in keeping with your own belief. Some choose to take what they have learned and to live it, knowing that Christ and God, lives in all of us.
The Dear Lord put all of us here on earth to discover who we are and what our purpose to be here is, for us, as an individual ,to discover for ourselves why things happened to us and to learn to become better as a result of the experience. As long as we have people or organizations or Churches telling us who or what we are, and what to think, or how to vote and it is making us uncomfortable, it usually is because we are not relying on ourselves to discover what God’s intentions for us are,but instead allowing ourselves to be brainwashed by something or someone to the point we no longer even know who we are or what we stand for.
We all,regardless of our circumstances in life, have a duty to ourselves, to understand and know what it is that we believe in or stand for. The best way to know that if we do believe what we have been told, is to simply ask ourselves during times set aside to reflect or to do an examination of our conscience. No Church, organization, family, friend, is made whole by someone so weak that she/he are merely repeating what they think we want to hear or what they have learned by constant repeating of the message. Without sincerity, we all are fooling ourselves, in believing that our lives have become anything more than a lie.
Behind every crime that has ever been done, from serial killer, robbery,incest, adultery, to worshipping false gods, they all began with a lie. Usually when lieing to themselves that they were deserving of it.
Make sure that when it comes to making a decision in our/your own life that you are being totally honest with yourself, and have removed all excuses. Just like on judgement day, there are no excuses as to why we choose to go against what we know to be true, wrong or unfair to us. We will not be answering any questions in regard to other peoples’ responsibility. Not even our husbands’, wives’ parents’ childrens’. We all stand alone and answer for ourselves. As long as we are doing what we must do in order to make our own peace with life, it will be no different than judgement day when asked, “why were you not happy, when I gave you all the tools to be?”
Not a single one of us will be able to blame it on someone else other than ourselves. One thing that is certain, for all Christians, is that we will die and have a judgement day. It is never too late to become the best that we can be and find peace, contentment and joy in the process.